(1991)
Dir - Larry Fessenden
Overall: MEH
Coming from the authorship of genre purist Larry Fessenden and judging by the fact that one of the protagonists does mad scientist-adjacent work in his locked up laboratory, one would assume that No Telling belongs in the horror camp. In actuality though, it is an increasingly uncomfortable domestic drama, one that mixes forced emotion with indie filmmaking tactics like being shot on 16 mm, in actual locations, with an unknown cast, and with plenty of intimate handheld camera work. Throughout his directorial career, Fessenden has made it a point to channel his classic monster movie influences into a contemporary and low-key setting, but this one strays far enough from the Frankenstein path to make those influences undetectable. Miriam Healy-Louie and Stephen Ramsey's marriage falls apart while the later becomes a reckless asshole who is frustrated that he cannot experiment on enough animals in a hurried fashion, while the former nearly has a fling with a smirking local douchebag and occasionally paints dead things. There is little else to it than that, and because the stakes are so small, the performances are frequently unconvincing, and the dialog stilted despite the actor's going into a rage here or there, the movie falls flat.
(1994)
Dir - Wrye Martin/Barry Poltermann
Overall: MEH
An ultra low-budget debut from filmmakers Wrye Martin and Barry Poltermann, Aswang, (The Unearthing), is equally impressive and embarrassing on account of the meager production. Utilizing the Philippine monster of the title, (one that is vampire-like with a comically long tongue that sucks the blood from its victims), it was shot on location in various Wisconsin areas and with local actors, all delivering uneven performances that occasionally go for heightened gusto while other times feeling amateurish. That is the end result of the entire movie actually, one that is imbalanced at best with solid practical gore effects and some eerie sound design, but ruined by an awful and steadfast keyboard score and tons of obnoxious jump scares. Martin and Poltermann's script, (which was collaborated upon by Frank L. Anderson, someone who had apparently grown up in the actual Philippines and could provide some first hand input on the film's chosen creature), is bare-bones and would probably have worked better as a short vignette in an anthology movie instead of being stretched out to eighty-two minutes. Such elongating of the material only enhances the technical flaws, as well as making the unlikable and/or underwritten characters that much more of a chore to endure.
(1995)
Dir - Mark Jones
Overall: WOOF
Trying and succeeding in making terrible lighting strike twice, Mark Jones' Leprechaun follow-up Rumpelstiltskin is just as awful and idiotic, despite how awful and idiotic it knows that it is. The title goblin is portrayed by Max Grodénchik from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine fame, and he knows the assignment by hobbling around, chewing the scenery, and quipping away as much as Warwick Davis' Leprhecaun does. Rumpelstiltskin also speaks in modern vernacular, effortlessly can ride a motorcycle and a Class A heavy truck, can shapeshift only when the script needs him to, and has a New York accent despite the fact that his character is at least several centuries older than New York is. Jones must have gotten a deal on various vehicles since cars, a go-kart, and a bulldozer are also used, Rumpelstiltskin referring to them as steeds and whatnot because "funny". Tone, production values, and performance wise, it is on the level of schlocky Charles Band nonsense, deliberately playing up its stupidity while obnoxious dialog, dipshit characters, lazy and monotonous plotting, and brutal violence fly at the screen in equal measures. Anyone coming into such proceedings will know what they are going to get, but the best that this can do is to be at the bottom of anyone's "bad movie night" pile, which is where it belongs.
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