60's Hammer Horror Part One

THE GORGON
(1964)
Dir - Terrence Fisher
Overall:  GOOD

Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and Terrence Fisher reunited yet again for a Greek mythology based horror outing that unsurprisingly is quite expertly made.  (Very) minor complaints can be found in that both Lee and the title monster are rather underused, though the latter is effectively teased at least.  Written by Plague of the Zombies and The Reptile director and frequent Hammer screenwriter John Gilling, he certainly deserves props for taking a concept like the Gorgon sisters and fitting it into an early 20th Century tale of possession.  It still takes place in a small village with a lot of angry and terrified townsfolk though of course.  Cushing and Lee's characters are both a little grey in the fact that Lee is rather off-putting though ultimately a bigger hero and more noble a protagonist than Cushing's foolish doctor.  Patrick Troughton also makes a minor appearance for classic Doctor Who fans to rejoice over.  It is ultimately rather beautifully directed, acted, and scripted, making it one of Hammer's several, non-Universal monster remakes that were quite solid in their own right.

THE REPTILE
(1966)
Dir - John Gilling
Overall: GOOD

John Gilling's The Reptile is another one of Hammer's excellent "one and done" horror films that is not based off a book of any kind, just a solid, classy creature feature.  Filmed at the same time as the also superb The Plague of the Zombies and using the same sets, location, and one or two cast members, the formula of "outsiders move into small village, murders have been accruing, and the townsfolk are all suspicious and quiet about it" is done to a tee here.  While unavoidably silly at times, the creepy mystery unfolds rather well and is adequately surprising in its reveals.  It also easily features some of the best makeup effects for any such monster movie from the studio, arguably only surpassed by Roy Ashton's work in 1961's The Curse of the Werewolf.  The film is definitely slow in parts and while the cast is more than adequate, (particularly Jacqueline Pearce), it is noticeably void of the more recognizable players in Hammer's usual pool of actors.  Still, it is a top-notch production, one of the many from the studio that was still very much in their heyday at the time.

THE WITCHES
(1966)
Dir - Cyril Frankel
Overall:  GOOD

Adapted by Nigel Kneale from Norah Lots' 1960 novel The Devil's Own, The Witches, is one of Hammer Studios' better, slightly lesser-known films.  Kneal's script takes a great deal of time to lay all of its cards on the table.  Clues and tidbits of information are given to us for well over half of the movie as to the sinister underlinings in the rural English village of Heddaby before anything really goes down.  We are then given a brief slight-of-hand as to what we have been watching, only to have it all laid out in layman's terms for the finale.  Speaking of which, the movie's legacy has somewhat been compromised due to that very same finale where the pagan proceedings inexplicably turn into a choreographed routine of jazz hands practice.  It is also rather cartoonish that the "witches" all dress in tattered rags with filth all over them for no other reason than just...well, because that is what witches do?  Unintentional tone issues aside, director Cyril Frankel, (in one of his few Hammer productions), still manages to create a wonderfully foreboding sense of dread.  Former Alfred Hitchcock leading lady Joan Fontaine is great as well, also making a rare appearance in a straight horror movie.

60's Jesús Franco

THE AWFUL DR. ORLOFF
(1961)
Overall:  MEH

Historically important for basically being the first Spanish horror film and it does have one or two creepy moments, but The Awful Dr. Orloff, (Gritos en la noche, Screams in the Night), is really nothing more than a sub-par homage/rip-off of the much lauded Eyes Without a Face.  While this one may have its cult following as its director Jesús Franco surely does, it also pales in comparison to the film whose footsteps it is clearly trying to follow in.  For one, our male hero played by Conrado San Martin makes one of the most mind-numbingly idiotic yet convenient for the plot decisions near the finale that both reeks of cheapness and inept screenwriting.  There is also a throw-away scene at the same moment where he and his partner, (who have been desperately trying to catch the man responsible for kidnapping and murdering so many women), both have a hysterical young girl run up to them in the street saying she was chased by a lunatic with a knife to which the inspector's logical response of course is to say "Ah get outta here will ya.  This whole town's gone crazy."  Besides the stupidity, the film is your standard, "mad doctor kidnaps girls for experiments" stuff where we are just waiting for the inevitable moment where his mute and deformed assistant with a heart of gold turns on him, the main female protagonist outsmarts him, and the hero male comes dashing in.

THE DIABOLICAL DR. Z
(1965)
Overall: MEH

Yet another evil doctor titled horror outing from Jesús Franco emerged in The Diabolical Dr. Z, (Miss Muerte, Dans les griffes du maniaque).  The opening is a bit rough with Antonio Jiménez Escribano appearing as what a five year old would draw if you asked them what a mad scientist looks like, (huge goggles, crazy Gene Wilder white hair, wheelchair, etc).  He rushes into a room full of scientist having some sort of meeting and proceeds to not only get scoffed and threatened for spouting his "crazy but of course correct" theories of good and evil being curable, but he also dies from all the stress right then and there which is pure silliness.  After that though, things become far more interesting and Franco executes them very well.  Mabel Karr is a formidable evil female lead as Doctor Zimmer's deranged daughter and it is a pleasant "twist" to have her be the actual title character.  We even have a surprisingly exciting man-on-man fight to the death near the end, surprising because it is not the ole "one punch to knock em out" stuff.  Estilla Blain is also excellent as the sultry-dancer come unwilling living instrument of revenge.  There are more goofs in the form of several plot points that are just too advantageous to be convincing, but it all remains compelling enough to ultimately work.

SUCCUBUS
(1968)
Overall: WOOF

Succubus, (Necronomicon - Geträumte Sünden), is the first movie that Jesús Franco made outside of his native Spain, at last fully fed-up with said country's strict censorship laws.  A curiosity then in that respect and ripe with many of the elements that Franco would continue to explore throughout the following decade, namely naked women and gore, though the latter is very tame this go around.  It is also an incredibly difficult film to follow.  The opening scene is well executed enough and tips us off appropriately that all is not what it seems, but once the foggy-lensed dream sequences take over for seemingly the rest of the durration, it becomes an unfollowable mess.  Lead Janine Reynaud floats around one setting to another, has interactions with numerous people who call her different names and may or may not have previously known her, there is some guy's eyes we keep seeing who is apparently supposed to be Satan, (which you would never guess), there is a castle she maybe lives in, there is a psychiatrist she talks to, the narration changes characters, and then she starts killing people.  Well, or something.  All this would make for a nice, surreal horror outing if not for the undeniable fact that it is so painstakingly sluggish and boring. Sadly, Franco movies are routinely this humdrum so it is hardly an isolated case.

70's Italian Horror Part One

BEYOND THE DOOR
(1974)
Dir - Ovidio G. Assonitis
Overall: MEH

It is hard to tell this is one of the best or worst rip-offs of The Exorcist, though it probably steers closer to the latter.  Beyond the Door, (Chi sei?, Devil Within Her), is an infamous Italian/American co-production that went under a different title in almost every country it was released in, the most hilarious being Greece's To Sperma Tou Antichristou, (Sperm of the Antichrist).  There are one or two solid scenes, (wait for when the rocking chair in the two little brat's room starts rocking by itself for the best of them), though most of the other horrific moments are too derivative of the film this is clearly inspired by.  So blatant was the case that Warner Bros. actually filed a lawsuit to claim copyright infringement which was settled five years later.  As far as the story goes, it an incoherent mess that is likely due to the whopping seven credited screenwriters on board who are clearly going for a "just have a girl use profanity and spit bile on people, plus something about the antichrist" box office cash grab here.

NUDE FOR SATAN

(1974)

Dir - Luigi Batzella

Overall:  MEH

Hack-maker Luigi Batzella, (who had a hodgepodge of other on-screen aliases as well, so much to the point where there is debate as to what his real name was), is apparently known as the Italian Ed Wood.  After seeing Nude for Satan, (Nuda per Satana), one can very clearly see the comparison and not just because he looked remarkably like him.  Just substitute Wood's "not knowing where to put the camera" for Batzella's surprisingly competent cinematography in the hands of Antonio Maccoppi and then substitute Wood's fondness for stock footage for Batzella's inter-splicing of hardcore porn.  Twenty seconds in we see a woman running naked in slow motion and twenty minutes in we are greeted with a blowjob scene, so, you cannot say it does not deliver on the title.  As an actual film though, it is unsurprisingly and completely ridiculous.  The dubbing is typically horrid, there is a spider that would make Wood look as competent as Stanley Kubrick, porn doubles are embarrassingly and noticeably used for the hardcore scenes, (down to hair color, breasts size, the physical setting, and their actual faces being completely different), and there truly is no plot.  The plan seemed to be just throwing some words together for other actors to later dub, shooting a bunch of stuff in a creepy castle, and then inserting, (huh huh), the fornication.  It is occult and porno trash under the guise of avant-garde pretentiousness, which in this case may as well be a compliment.

 

DIABOLICAMENTE... LETIZIA

(1975)

Dir - Salvatore Bugnatelli

Overall: MEH

One of only seven softcore sleaze movies made by sporadic director Salvatore Bugnatelli, Diabolicamente...Letizia, (Sex, Demons, and Death), is a nonsensical and sluggish one that still provides some unintentional chuckles for Euro trash enthusiasts.  Franca Gonella plays a wide-eyed, pushing-thirty teenager with vague, malevolent superpowers who recently shows up at her aunts house to make everyone there horny while fighting with each other.  Such a bare-bones premise is sufficient enough to hang a series of naked, silly set pieces on and one of the more memorable ones involves Gonella turning into a shewolf for a split second to scare the shit out of the household's maid.  For the rest of the time, she utilizes telekinesis, voodoo, and hypnotism to reap her family revenge for a previous crime that is not entirely explained.  While the nudity and ridiculousness is amusing in an exploitative fashion, the pacing is dreadful and the plot structure is tedious as it spins in circles with Gonella dragging out her scheme for no other reason than for the movie to reach the ninety-odd minute mark.

70's Mexican Horror Part One - (Juan López Moctezuma Edition)

THE MANSION OF MADNESS

(1972)

Overall:  GOOD

Juan López Moctezuma's directorial debut The Mansion of Madness, (La mansión de la locura, House of Madness, Dr. Tarr's Torture Dungeon), is an absurd affair as only it should be, both for being about a lunatic asylum and being helmed by an Alejandro Jodorowsky alumni, (Moctezuma was one of the producers on El Topo).  The tour we get of Dr. Maillard's vast abode that openly houses a wealth of certifiably insane "patients" are the best, most striking moments.  We meet people dressed and acting like soldiers, others building inventions out of scrap metal, others keeping guard in smoke-stacks, and a man who thinks he is a chicken.  After that, it gets weird.  There is a high priest fellow who is made to look remarkably like Aleister Crowley and such a Crowley reference is hardly an isolated incident as Dr. Maillard quotes "Do what thou wilt".  Also, the entire "mansion" of the title acts as a heathens den of unsupervised maniacs running amok and doing just that; "what they wilt".  Also, there is some naked dancing, farm animals, and occult ceremonies as well there should be.  The problems can easily be justified, (if one is feeling generous), as enhancing the surreal tone.  Goofy music accompanies random scenes that are scattered around otherwise horrific ones and Cladio Brook gives an overtly eccentric yet borderline annoying performance.  Pacing wise, it dips a bit too often as well, but the overall wacky nature is enjoyable to be sure.

MARY, MARY, BLOODY MARY

(1975)

Overall: MEH

The first American co-production and English language film from Mexican director Juan López Moctezuma, Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary is a contemporary set, exploitation vampire movie with none of the surreal insanity of his other two cinematic works that surrounded it.  The story involves a painter who is genetically prone to blood-drinking, embarking on a killing spree that moronic police detectives never trace back to her, though to their credit, another lunatic is also running around at the same time draining bodies of blood.  Unfortunately the movie feels its length, meandering with drawn-out scenes set to daft soundtrack choices that range from lush, romantic soft jazz to California light rock to generic horror movie music.  The demise of each victim is predictable in a slasher film sense, such kills scenes are small in number as well as mostly minimal in their violence, and the story itself is a snore.  For genre fans, poor John Carradine collects another easy paycheck within the last five minutes, (assuming a body double was used for his character's minuscule amount of prior scenes where his face is completely disguised), and he does get to gulp down dark red blood with pathetic, patchy makeup on his face in the movie's goriest scene, so that is at least something.

ALUCARDA
(1978)
Overall:  GOOD

Unique in an over-the-top, gnashing of teeth way,  Juan López Moctezuma's Alucarda, (Alucarda, la hija de las tinieblas, Alucarda, the Daughter of Darkness), arguably contains the most screaming per-second in any horror film. The Mexican convent setting exists in the caves and the bedrooms therein are simply large enough holes to house a bed and give you some leg room to thrash your body around, Devil-possession style.  The penance room looks like a dungeon or a catacomb and the actual church is the most disturbing location of all which is almost pitch black save for numerous, eerily lighted, life-sized crucifixes that are realistically detailed.  Then there is the comparatively brighter lit crypt where Satan and his demon lot are laying around in coffins, statues, or the very walls, just waiting for some poor orphan girls to stumble upon it.  Let us not forget the gypsies who appear out of nowhere and dance around in a naked, demon-raising ceremony.  Back to the screaming, every female character either spends all of their scenes or ninety percent of them foaming at the mouth while praying to the Lord, (or in the case of the two leads), praying to the Dark Lord.  Also, the nuns are wrapped up head to foot like mummies in bloody bandages, being extra bloody in the crotch area, (whatever that is all about).  So kind of like Ken Russell's The Devils meets anything by Alejandro Jodorowsky.

30's Bela Lugosi Part One

MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE
(1932)
Dir Robert Florey
Overall:  GOOD

The very first full-length film adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's The Murders In the Rue Morgue was the Universal version made a year after Dracula and Frankenstein and it remains one of the better non-monster horror films from said studio.  Bela Lugosi gets the chance to play his first mad scientist Dr. Mirakle who is hell bent on mixing the blood of his savage "pet" ape Erik with that of a woman because that is just something you do.  This would not even be Lugosi's sole on-screen pairing with a primate since Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla also exists.  As silly as this loose interpretation of Poe's source material sounds on paper, it is mostly successful.  Dracula cinematographer/The Mummy director Karl Freund is back again, doing wonders as the film looks a whole lot creepier than it actually is.  It is also typically slow for the time period though sinisterly atmospheric.  Images of women being tied up crucifixion-style and left hanging upside down in a fireplace are plenty gruesome for pre-code Hollywood.  The edits between a real life chimp and "King of the Gorilla Men" Charles Gemora in a monkey suite are hardly convincing, but they are hardly Ed Wood ridiculous looking either.  In his first but not last unibrow-sporting villain role in one year, it is Lugosi that naturally steals the show.  Equal parts bat-shit crazy and charming, (OK probably more parts bat-shit crazy), the Hungarian legend is his usual, superbly menacing self. 

WHITE ZOMBIE

(1932)

Dir - Victor Halperin

Overall: MEH

 

When originally released and for still several decades afterwards, most of the complaints with Victor Halperin's White Zombie revolved around the plot and non-Bela Lugosi performances.  Such complaints are indeed still warranted.  Lugosi is great even when he is being a cartoon character version of himself, (which actually happened quite often), so no surprise that he is the best thing here.  Those soul piercing eyes and that Dracula-with-a-unibrow look, as well as the sinister body language and of course the accent, all make Lugosi's Murder Legendre one of his finest screen roles.  Once you get past his scene steeling scenes though, there is really not much to appreciate.  Some of the atmosphere conveyed is well done, but that is mostly due to the borrowed Universal Studios set pieces, (previously used in everything from Dracula, Frankenstein, and even Lon Chaney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame).  Otherwise, the pacing is horribly dull and the plot is ridiculous.  Laughably melodramatic acting from the rest of the cast has also aged the film rather poorly.  Good at least for Lugosi and his sinister hand gestures, but still admittingly shy of its somewhat admired reputation.

 

MARK OF THE VAMPIRE
(1935)
Dir - Tod Browning
Overall: MEH

Since London After Midnight has been certifiably "lost" for almost a century now, not a prayer is left that anyone will ever see said Lon Chaney Sir's sole vampire film.  Even as utterly awesome as the few stills and pictures of Chaney in full fang-toothed glory have always looked.  1935's Mark of the Vampire however has remained very much in print and is MGM's talkie remake of Midnight.  Coming four years after Universal's Dracula, it makes sense that MGM would not only hire Bela Lugosi to be the undead fiend in this one, but also Dracula's director Tod Browning to helm.  The "twist" here is hardly surprising this day in age to any horror buffs who know that this film exists, but this fact certainly does not ruin the whole.  Even though the running time is just barely an hour long, it does comes off as heavily padded.  It is understandable then to skip all the parts that do not have Lugosi and Carol Borland slowly creeping around their cobweb infested castle or fog shrouded graveyard, as those are easily and arguably the only satisfying moments herein.

70's Spanish Horror Part One

THE BLOOD SPATTERED BRIDE
(1972)
Dir - Vicente Aranda
Overall:  GOOD

While the word "tasteful" would hardly be accurate in describing Vicente Aranda's The Blood Spattered Bride, (La Novia Ensangrentada lit, The Bloody Bride) is also hardly the exploitative gore-fest it sounds like and is actually more story-centered than anything else.  There are some heavy and in-your face themes being explored here in the very dialog alone, with misogynistic fears morphing into twisted feminist empowerment via lesbian vampirism.  Cleverly still, much is left debatable.  Was there actually a vampire afoot or were the psychiatrist's more rational theories really what was at play?  Normally in about a hundred out of a hundred and one horror movies, the voice of skepticism is the one the audience groans at because we know we are watching a horror movie.  In the case, such things are more debatable than usual for such Euro-horror fare. On that note, typical bizarreness including an excellent scene on the beach and the genre-standard dream sequences are also present.  The pacing is sluggish and only interrupted by by rather brutal violence and nudity.  Script wise, only a few things do not add up, including the ending and the mysterious dagger that for whatever reason no one can figure out can just be driven out of town or thrown into the ocean at any time to be rid of it.  Out of the many horror films inspired by the Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu story Carmilla though, this is easily one of the most unique and in turn better ones.

A BELL FROM HELL
(1973)
Dir - Claudio Guerín
Overall:  GOOD

A Bell From Hell, (La campana del infierno), was tragically director Claudio Guerín's last film as he died on the last day of shooting by falling from the very bell tower featured herein.  It is a very stylized, borderline giallo affair, be it far more ambiguous though.  Renaud Verley is fantastic as our main protagonist Juan.  That is assuming that we the viewer are not meant to know if we are supposed to root for him or not.  Far from conventionally sympathetic even after performing a handful of heroic deeds, he still comes off as the most untrustworthy, conniving, dangerous, and certainly insane inhabitant of this here Spanish village.  He also appears to be the film's hero and is surrounded by no shortage of equally morale-ugly family members and neighbors.  This morally grey area is certainly intentional and makes for an interesting and strange experience to transpire.  Made a few years shy of the end of Francisco Franco's fascist regime, A Bell From Hell therefor still fell under said reigns censorship laws and does not delve into full-on gore or sexual depravity.  Truth be told though, we are given some wincing real-life slaughter house footage to be warned about.  As can often be the case and certainly the case in the hands of a skilled director like Guerín, such limitations on presentable visuals does in fact produce a more clever and intellectually satisfying result of sorts.  The end of Bell may leave one turning their head like a pug when it hears a funny noise, but as elaborate and far reaching as it may seem, it fits the tone and complements the relative dementia of the whole.

SATAN'S BLOOD
(1978)
Dir - Carlos Puerto/Juan Piquer Simón
Overall:  GOOD

Quick, what's the most natural thing in the world to do after being hypnotized into a Satanic orgy in the wee-hours of the night?  If you answered never mention it again and continue pretending that it was a scene from a totally different movie you were just in then, well, congrats.  You would therefor feel right at home in Satan's Blood, (Escalofrío).  This deliciously 70s and deliciously Euro-horror treat about the Horned-One's loyal minions having their way with a susceptible couple in a creepy house in the middle of nowhere, (where of course the car breaks down, it storms outside, and the phone does not work), is goblet-full of all the cliches occult cinema in this decade often has.  There is male and female nudity, hot oil rub-downs, tons of spoken prayers to the Great Deceiver, occult books, an Ouija board, creepy guys in robes, cartoonishly out-of-key organ music, and fuck it, even a creepy doll.  Also, a good deal of nothing at all makes any sense.  Mostly over the top mess, it is also rather a riot because of it.  Writer/director team Carlos Puerto and Juan Piquer Simón, (the latter of which also co-wrote the even more ridiculous Pieces), crafted a film here that just spirals along into evil and naked, popcorn-munching nonsense.  Which in this case, is a fine thing.

70's American Horror Part One

THE DUNWICH HORROR
(1970)
Dir - Daniel Haller
Overall: MEH

An early H.P. Lovecraft adaptation of the book of the same name, The Dunwich Horror was produced by American International Pictures who were behind the virtually flawless Roger Corman/Vincent Price/Edgar Allan Poe films from the 1960s amongst many others.  In fact, Corman's name got thrown onto this one as well, in executive producer form.  The source material is fool proof enough, but it has some pacing issues, (as well as a random angry mob), during its finale that kind of drag things down while Dean Stockwell seems to take FOREVER to summon the Old Ones on top of demon cliff.  Also, Sandra Dee spends about 80% of her screen time moving her sleepy head black and forth and moaning whilst under Wilbur Whateley's spell.  Speaking of Stockwell's Whateley, he is so goofy and creepy from our very first meeting with him that the fact that everybody does not just back away and leave well enough alone is rather a hard pill to swallow.  There are multiple close ups of his eyes so I guess he was using some kinda Old One's power to keep people thinking he is charming instead of an eccentric nerd?  Sure why not.

FRANKENSTEIN
(1973)
Dir - Glenn Jordan
Overall: MEH

The second Gothic literary adaptation from producer Dan Curtis, Frankenstein was an early installment in season one of ABC's Wide World of Mystery series, debuting the same year that England also aired their own television version of Mary Shelley's famed source material with Frankenstein: The True Story.  This one also has Curtis serving as co-writer and it premiered on the same evening as The Night Strangler, signifying an era where Curtis' productions were all over the small screen.  Taking as many liberties as any variation of the novel, this one maintains the idea of Frankenstein's creation living in hiding for a number of months where he observes the behavior of others to pick up speech, only to demand a female companion once he is reunited with his maker.   As far as the monster goes, this has a typically pitiful portrayal from Bo Svenson, with the usual motifs of everyone running away or attacking him in terror and all of his early murders being accidental in nature.  Robert Foxworth also makes for a pathetic title character who frustrates everyone around him with his stubborn, obsessive insistence on keeping his experiments on the down-low.  The over two-hour running time is excessive and the shot-on-video presentation allows for no convincing cinematic atmosphere, making this an adequate yet redundant interpretation amongst many.

TOURIST TRAP
(1979)
Dir - David Schmoeller
Overall: GOOD

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre/House of Wax rip-off/homage Tourist Trap was produced by the short-lived company that also put out Halloween the previous year and is a perfect example of a horror film that never loses sight of its tone.  There are a number of things, (make that most things), going on here that are just impossible to take seriously and the film clearly knows this.  Everything from the score, acting, and camera work all contribute to make the viewer feel a bit uncomfortable while simultaneously amused.  The opening scene is quite effective and further creepy moments follow, though everything grows increasingly more bizarre than scary.  There are flaws to be sure as well though.  Every single line of dialog from our main villain Leatherface or whatever he is called is absolutely terrible.  The movie would have benefited if he was mute, considering that many of his actions would seem far more unsettling instead of just weird and laugh out loud funny.  Again though, much of this humor seems intended.  There are also budget detriments that sell many of the effects short and of course every character makes mostly moronic decisions that only characters in horror movies do.  The film was overlooked when originally released, but as is the case with many of these low-budget horror gems, its reputation has aged most well and deservedly so.

70's Hammer Horror Part One - The Karnstein Trilogy

THE VAMPIRE LOVERS

(1970)

Dir - Roy Ward Baker

Overall:  GOOD

 

Directed by Roy Ward Baker and based on the J Sheridan Le Fanu novella Carmilla, (though given the more "get the people to the multiplex" title The Vampire Lovers), the first entry in Hammer Film Production's Karnstein Trilogy is typical Gothic era British horror.  Besides them fairing perfectly fine in the daylight, this pretty much offers up the same vampire tropes you get each and every time from such movies.  The peasant villagers are the only ones who know what is going on and take their undead very seriously, (mostly) women disappear and occasionally get found with bite marks in their necks, crypts, castles, and cleavage are all present, there are stakes through the hearts, beheadings, garlic, crosses, etc.  Everything in its right place in other words.  The plot is the most coherent out of the trilogy and the ending the most satisfying as well.  Plus, one of the era's premier scream queens Ingrid Pitt makes her career defining appearance here along with that in the following year's Countess Dracula.

LUST FOR A VAMPIRE

(1971)

Dir - Jimmy Sangster

Overall: MEH

 

Most universally regarded as the weakest in the Karnstein Trilogy, Lust for a Vampire, (Love of a Vampire, To Love a Vampire), is more promising than successful.  Interestingly, Peter Cushing was set to appear as the neurotic, would-be-pervert creeper Giles Barton, though he bowed out at the last minute due to ill health.  This makes this the only entry in the trilogy he does not appear in.  Also, the studio's most prestigious director Terrance Fisher was set to be behind the lens, but he also got replaced at the 11th hour by Jimmy Sangster who had done the previous year's The Horror of Frankenstein.  Sangster's work is adequate as is that of Ralph Bates' who took over the planned Cushing role, but even for a hastily made lesbian vampire sequel, the film is a bit silly and contains the lamest and most haphazardly assembled excuse for an angry villager mob you are likely to see.  This also has by far the largest number of bountiful maidens in probably any Hammer film.  Though the lesbianism was intentionally toned down from the previous year's Vampire Lovers due to censorship issues, there are still many sensual moments to be found, to the point of bordering on softcore porn.  Some gruesome deaths, fun "O hear me Lord Satan" speeches, and plenty of blood-soaked women are present, but there is just too much daftness in the script department.

TWINS OF EVIL
(1971)
Dir - John Hough
Overall: GOOD

Witches burning at the stake, vampires, Satanism, torture, and boobies, Twins of Evil, (Twins of Dracula), certainly has all that one would expect.  The tone is set quite assuredly from the get go and blood-sucking evil takes center stage once Damien "looks exactly like Jimmy Fallon" Thomas's Count Karnstein shows up.  The most ambitious of these three films, it has also held up probably the best.  Over the top pretty much by design, it almost exclusively borders on campy fun, but the script is surprisingly well layered.  The duel personality theme of the title characters, (real life Playmate twins Mary and Madoline Collinson), mirrors the conflicting nature of Peter Cushing's Brotherhood-leading Gustav Weil who ultimately attempts to redeem himself of all those innocent peasant girls he burned by trying to rid his village of evil.  The angry mob finale here is solid in motivation at least, as opposed to the "we need this in the script so make it happen" one in the previous entry Lust for a Vampire, but it does get a little goofy in the last few moments.  It is hard not to laugh when a vampire is cackling and boasting as he is surrounded by hundreds of well-armed villagers hell bent and capable of doing him in.  Out of the three films depicting the Karnstein Family's never-ceasing wickedness, Twins of Evil is the most rowdy and fun.  The fact that it also manages to have some depth is damn near a miracle.

70's British Horror Part One

THE BLOOD ON SATAN'S CLAW
(1970)
Dir - Piers Haggard
Overall: GOOD

Piers Haggard's The Blood on Satan's Claw, (Satan's Skin), sees an English peasant village in the early 1700s besieged by evil in the form of some supposedly demonic bones that randomly appear in a dirt patch.  How the events unfold raise far more questions than provide any answers.  Where did these demonic bones come from?  Why do some people who touch them turn evil and others just grow patches of hair?  Why was there a demon claw hand in the attic?  Why did one guy go right back to bed in said attic after getting attacked by said demon claw hand?  Why did no one round up the kids who openly admitted to murdering that one other kid?  Why does the demon who is clearly fully formed from early on need to be resurrected in a new body?   Is that even what his cult is trying to do?   How did the judge go from being a pompous skeptic to the be-all-end-all authority on witchcraft-slaying just from borrowing a book?  What was that sword at the end all about?  Was it magic?  Was it holy?  Originally planned to be an anthology movie, all the proposed separate stories were lumped into one near the last minute.  Having garnished a more lauded reputation over the years even with all the scripting problems aside, it is unique not just for its numerous flaws, but for its realistic, on-location shooting, inventive camera work, and some excellently dreadful scenes.

VIRGIN WITCH

(1972)

Dir - Ray Austin

Overall:  MEH

 

Directed by Ray Austin, (who had and would continue to have a very prolific career in television), Virgin Witch is brim full of voluptuous women in their birthday suites.  Fitting snugly into the era of exploitative occult movies, hardly any character keeps their clothes on and none of them come off as anything resembling a real person.  For the most part, they all seem to do things just because things need to happen.  Real life sisters and "stars" Vicki and Anne Michelle follow the trope of "one of them is evil for no reason, one of them is good for no reason" and the pagan cult that they find themselves sucked into pretty much just enjoy dancing naked to sinister tribal music, waving their arms around, and groping and penetrating each other while their High Priest performs a sex ritual.  In other words, typical hippy-era occult posing that comes off as more silly than remotely frightening by today's standards.  Beryl Vertue's script offers up some sinister plot points and black magic makes a legitimate appearance eventually, but even for the times, there is nothing the least bit disturbing or even creepy that happens throughout the movie's eighty-eight minute running time.  It does have a lot of boobs and a lot of Satan for those jiving for such things though.

THE CREEPING FLESH
(1973)
Dir - Freddie Francis
Overall:  MEH

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing made so many movies together that it is actually easier to count the ones they did NOT make together than the ones they did.  Even at their worst, (the film's worst, not the actor's), the amount of class, respect, and dedication these two real life close friends brought to every role they had was second to none.  That said, Hammer mainstay Freddie Francis' The Creeping Flesh is ultimately one of the lower ranked entries in each man's filmography.  The horror elements are underplayed to such an extent that not only does it make Flesh honestly rather boring, but also barely a horror movie.  Cushing's down-on-his-luck scientist seems several sandwiches short of a picnic from the opening scene and nothing that transpires for the next ninety-so minutes does anything to dispute this.  Very little of interest happens sans something with an escaped mental patient, Cushing's daughter going crazy, and some tedious "scientists doing scientist shit" stuff.  The last act is rather stupid and sloppy from a logic standpoint, but also pretty, well, creepy.  Minus some obvious pacing problems, Flesh is hardly a bad film and Francis mostly does a fine enough job with the material at hand.  The material itself just could of used a lot more oompf is all.

60's Italian Horror Part One

GOLIATH AND THE VAMPIRES
(1961)
Dir - Sergio Corbucci/Giacomo Gentilomo
Overall: GOOD

Switching to Italy after his five year run as Tarzan in as many film, muscle-bound actor Gordon Scott took on another frequented cinematic property as Maciste in Goliath and the Vampires, (Maciste contro il vampiro, The Vampires).  The name change in the American International Pictures dub is hardly of importance since Masiste/Goliath is the same infallible hero with superhuman strength, here squaring off against an undead tyrant who controls sultans, destroys villages, and kidnaps the women to harness their blood.  Standard bad guy stuff and along the way we witness a pit of scorpion monsters, an army of blue men, and mannequin robot zombies.  There are also some gruesome set pieces like women being fed to sharks, prisoners forced to climb a pole only to fall onto a pile of spikes, and Goliath getting tortured by a giant bell being rung while he is standing inside of it.  Scott's lean physique may not be as Herculean as one would expect, but he makes a charming, one-note good guy, plus directors Sergio Corbucci and Giacomo Gentilomo keep the pacing brisk while utilizing well-decorated sets and some inventive costume/creature design.  It may not be as weird or unintentionally hilarious as other peplum spectacles, but it gets the job done.

LIBIDO
(1965)
Dir - Ernesto Gastaldi/Vittorio Salerno
Overall: MEH

The directorial debut from screenwriters Vittorio Salerno and Ernesto Gastaldi, (the latter who specialized in a number of horror films throughout the 1960s), Libido is a standard, manipulative thriller with sluggish pacing despite some decent atmosphere here or there.  The story was conceived of by Gastaldi's wife Mara Maryl, (who also appears as one of only four actors on screen), and the results were allegedly shot in eighteen days, making sufficient use out of a spacious mansion and a rocky, seaside cliff which of course spells doom for at least someone to plummet to their death by.  As one could guess judging by the premise of a young married man with a traumatic past who is set to inherent his sadistic father's wealth, the plot throws suspicion on the small amount of characters on screen since it is likely that all of them are after the money.  Things grow more convoluted than that with the cliche thrown in of making one of them grow insane, where every unnatural thing that he witnesses can be logically explained once other people rush into the room to see all evidence having disappeared.  Well shot with a handful of tense moments, the performances are mostly stiff and Gastaldi and Salerno fail to keep up the momentum as things progress to their melodramatic, back-stabbing conclusion.

A HYENA IN THE SAFE
(1968)
Dir - Cesare Canevari
Overall: GOOD

A stylish crime-caper giallo from filmmaker Cesare Canevari, A Hyena in the Safe, (Una jena in cassaforte), turns a formulaic set-up of a bunch of diamond thieves who have reconvened in a spacious mansion to retrieve the loot, all into a stylish romp with endlessly engaging cinematography from Claudio Catozzo.  Many of the personnel involved have few if any other movies on their resumes, including most of the cast which is unusual for international genre cinema that frequented the same recognizable players. Maria Luisa Geisberger is a dead-ringer for Ingrid Pitt and turns in the most memorable performance as a seducing widow, constantly in motion with her borderline outrageous costumes and glammed-out makeup.  Every character is shady to the tilt which renders none of them as "likeable", but this is hardly a problem as Catozzo rarely lets the camera sit still and each shot is maximized for the best possible engagement.  Style over substance perhaps, but the substance itself is of a knowingly campy variety which is extenuated by Gian Piero Reverberi's ridiculously catchy musical score that bounces between sinister, romantic, and up-tempo jazz that seems squarely fit for a comedy.  This is appropriate though since the movie delivers its humor in a dark fashion and has a convoluted pay-off full of double-crosses and whatnot, as any self-respecting giallo should.

100 FAVORITE SONGS 10 - 1

10.  "Mississippi Queen" - Mountain

The mother of all riffs?  Shit, it's gotta be right?  I think it's fair to say that Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" is the most ass kicking song in the history of either ass kicking or songs or history.  It is physically impossible to hear this song anywhere and not turn the volume up on whatever devise these glorious sounds are emitting from.  I love many a classic rock band and many of them a lot more than Mountain as a whole, but "Queen" is the ultimate classic rock jam.  Bar none.  The band composed it together, drummer Corky Laing, (how I wish that was my name), and legendary axe-slinger Leslie West fleshing out the lyrics and bassist/producer Felix Pappalardi throwing down on some of the awesome as well.  Whoever happened to be channeling the gods for that riff to emerge, (my money's on West), shit mother of fuck dick is it glorious.  Though many a band has covered it over the eras, including one of my own in basement band form, it's almost sacrilegious for anyone else to attempt to rawk it as well.  Especially for 1970, long before metal became a legitimate genre, Mountain straight-up had the heaviest song anyone had ever heard.

9.  "Adore" - Prince

All that talk in the last post about how stoner jam "Let's Go Crazy" was the Prince song that willingly keeps getting played to death by yours truly, that all be true.  But at the end of the week when all's said and done, "Adore" is the Purple One's masterpiece.  This is all anybody needs to hear to put any confoundedly ignorant claims well to rest that Prince is one of the greatest vocalists who ever uttered a sound, as the multiple vocal tracks hit every panty-moistening note humanly possible.  This is Prince doing Al Green more or less.  It's the ultimate slow-fuck jam and delivered by a man who has probably liquified more birth canals with his godlike sex powers than any other being in any dimension.  Sexual chocolate has a song and it tis "Adore".  Sign "O" the Times is the best album Prince ever made and the third greatest double album of all time.  "Adore" closes it because no song could've possibly followed it.  After hearing it you either immediately need to get laid or take a cold shower.  Prince has all the respect he deserves and though never released as a single, "Adore" still gets played regularly on the radio and still ranks very high for many as the ultimate of his jams.  I will agree 100% I shall.

8.  "Who Wants To Be Lonely" - Kiss

Mmm...'80s Kiss.  For me, the legacy of Asylum's "Who Wants To Be Lonely" begins with the music video which I first saw in the Kiss Exposed VHS.  It is easily one of the most unintentionally brilliant and hilarious music videos ever made.  If Spanish Fly actually worked and the entire decade of the '80s took all of it and then hair metal, sluts, and blindingly bright highlighted colors all got together for an orgy in a steamy and moist factory, the video for this song is exactly what it would look like.  But all these years now listening to Kiss on repeat as well as regularly going back to the music video for all the chuckles I need, I have made the revelation that it is in fact the best fucking Kiss song ever.  Actually, it's always been one of my favorites and with each list I've made, it's just continued to climb the ranks to where it not must only sit in the top ten and dwarfing all other Kiss jams.  I love and defend '80s hair metal Kiss almost solely because of this song.  Stanley as well as his partner in crime during that decade Desmond Child constructed "Lonely" along with musician Jean Beauvoir, (who also co-wrote "Uh! All Night" another brilliant piece of awesome off the same album).  Whenever the Kiss camp got together and made sweet love to a song with Child on board the results were always top notch.

7.  "untitled 8 ("Popplagið")" - Sigur Rós

I'm not sure if this counts as my favorite instrumental of all time since Sigur Rós's music technically features the human voice.  Jón Þór Birgisson is not your typical vocalist though, as he uses that voice as an instrument above all else and wails away in a soaring falsetto of made up language.  The melody is used as just another sonic layer, Birgisson's own bow playing guitar work yet another ingredient.  I haven't been keeping up with this band as I should, but the albums Ágætis byrjun, ( ), and Takk... I do own and greatly enjoy.  Especially the former two and especially more 2002's ( ), which features eight at the time untitled tracks, culminating with this one.  The band included no text or information with the ( ) album but unofficial titles eventually emerged.  "Popplagið" translates to "the pop song", though this isn't anything you're likely to hear on the radio.  At nearly twelve minutes long, "untitled 8" is typical for the band, a very slow building repetitive melody that sounds like the soundtrack for the most wonderful dream you've ever had.  Most Rós songs at least of this period rarely moved away from a single theme throughout, but "8" has two sections and the one that shows up near the halfway point starts a whole other slow boil and is the most epic sounding piece of music I've heard besides Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana".  Both shiver me spine most wonderfully.

6.  "Dear Friends" - Queen

In the forward for this list I mentioned that I play no popular favorites worship with a band's songs.  I don't care if it's been played on the radio every hour on the hour somewhere for decades or if I find the one and only copy of a song by a band and keep it to myself.  If it's my favorite of their songs, then so it be.  "Dear Friends" is an interlude track on the very best Queen album Sheer Heart Attack.  Though if anyone were to tell me that any other Queen album between Queen II and News of the World was in fact their best, I would argue not at all.  But anyway, "Friends" was composed by Brian May, with May himself making a rare appearance on piano.  Besides that, it's just Freddie singing the words and May, Taylor, and Freddie again doing the three-part harmonies of the gods during the second verse.  Oh, and the song is just barely over a minute long.  So why is this my favorite Queen song?  All I can say is to just listen to it.  It is incredibly beautiful.  And I think it speaks volumes that a band as good as Queen with as many hits as they had and as many stellar albums as they had, (all of them really), and then again as many fantastic album tracks and non-singles as they had, that such a simple and short lullaby such as "Dear Friends" can end up so very, very enduring.

5.  "Unchained Melody" - The Righteous Brothers

Last post I said that "Hey Jude" was probably the most popular song I had on this list.  I stand corrected.  "Unchained Melody" is one of the most covered songs of all time and the Righteous Brothers version specifically has spent decades in the public consciousness and heard by millions of folk most likely millions of time.  So yeah, we all know this one.  Originally written in 1955 by songwriters Alex North and tin pan alley lyricists Hy Zaret, "Unchained" is a love song to the later's wife and is probably the best straight-up love song ever written.  I wouldn't call myself a Righteous Brothers fan per se, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" is pretty appropriately righteous though.  "Melody" is the only of their songs that I far more than dig let alone regularly listen to.  Oddly enough it was a 1965 b-side originally, the flip to "Hung On You" which most of us have probably never heard ironically, and produced by none other than everyone's favorite electric socket hairdo, gun toting, wife murdering lunatic producer Phil Spector.  Ultimately, it's but one thing that places this song this high on my personal favorites list.  That is the solo vocal performance by Bobby Hatfield which is the best vocal in all of pop music.

4.  "Mannish Boy" - Muddy Waters

Yeah son.  "Mannish Boy" lyrically might not be the most definitive blues song since Muddy Waters is hardly hootin and holla'in about having the blues here.  Quite the opposite.  Basically, Muddy Waters is Conan the Barbarian and wants you all to goddamn know it.  The women's vaginas hath been torn asunder from this man's man-ness.  Recorded a whole mess of times by not only Waters himself but I think literally every other blues artist since, it's the Hard Again version from 1977 that is the masterpiece.  For just under five and a half minutes, Waters delivers the most devastating vocal performance in the genre's long history over but one riff the entire time.  And it's THE blues riff.  The one that even people who are completely ignorant to this kind of music can instantly recognize.  Muddy, who's left just doing the sangin' and at the mercy of his wholly competent backing band, also has the one and only Johnny Winter on fuck-tasty leads and those answer-back "Yeahs!" every time the word "man" is uttered, (and that's a lot).  "Mannish Boy" is the most slammin, loin-quivering blues monster ever and all the other versions and covers of it can continue to pop up for all the more decades, but this here be the top of Mount Fuckmore.

3.  "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" - U2

When it comes to songs that have gradually grown on me, there is no more profound example than U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".  Never before in my long time as a U2 fan has "ISHFWILF" been my favorite of their songs.  It's been over the last two years really that inexplicably a song that I've heard countless times for most of my life has just eased it's way to where I now think it stands.  Not the radio, not anything can ruin this song for me.  The origin for "Still Haven't Found" is rather daft.  The band developed many of the tunes that ended up on The Joshua Tree out of jam sessions, and one such demo tape featured a bunch of stuff they never used except a drum part from Larry Mullen Jr.  It's odd I think cause the drums are the least interesting part of the song, yet a creative fire was lit off of them nevertheless.  They then proceeded to build what became the rest of the music in the studio, (utilizing a standard 12-bar blues backdrop), and producer Daniel Lanois inspired Bono to go all gospel with the lyrics.  The result is the best song of the 80s and the best song U2 has.  And the best gospel tinged pop song of all time as well.  Bono became the ultimate singer in rock music by the time the band dropped the monster that was The Joshua Tree and this is his finest four-minutes and thirty-seven seconds.  Surging, powerful, and emotional glory on full display.

2.  "A Change of Seasons" - Dream Theater

Dream Theater had been kicking around pieces of their definitive epic for several years by the time they finally got around to recording it with then noob Derek Sherinian on keyboards taking over for founder Kevin Moore who up and left as soon as Awake was in the can recording wise. It was apparently mostly ready to go when the band cut Images and Words and good Satan of dick, I can't imagine an album that brilliant also including a song this brilliant.  All the good that can possibly be achieved by Dream Theater was achieved in "A Change of Seasons".  It is the prog-anything song of the century and contains the best arrangement any piece of music has ever had.  At just over twenty-three minutes, it effortlessly and seamlessly morphs through seven sections, (all pretentiously sub-titled of course), and it flows so well and keeps pummeling you with it's amazingness that before you know it, it's done and over with.  It feels quicker than a three minute pop song.  Mike Portnoy penned the lyrics being inspired by his mother's death when he was a teenager and they are without question the best lyrics he's ever written.  One could say that's not saying much since most of Portnoy's lyrics are terrible at best, especially in his later years with the band, but they are outstanding here.  The circle of one's life runs through all four seasons and it's as epic a concept as prog-rock dictates it must be and nothing more optimizes or does justice to the genre than this.

1.  "Lover, You Should've Come Over" - Jeff Buckley

My number one hath changed.  How about that?  For probably ten plus years now, I've always considered Dream Theater's "A Change of Seasons" to be my favorite song ever.  And since I first heard Jeff Buckley's Grace, "Lover, You Should've Come Over" has rapidly climbed the ranks to be in the top ten for awhile now.  But well, the truth is out there.  This is my very favorite song.  I have grown to adore Jeff Buckley's music more and more each and ever year that goes by.  Perhaps it's because it's just one more year that he's no longer with us and the very minuscule amount of material left behind for us to listen to stays just as minuscule and in effect, becomes more and more precious.  But I'd say it has more to do with just how amazing of an artist Buckley really was.  Along with Freddie Mercury, he is the best singer of all time and everything he recorded is instantly made better because of this.  But "Lover" as a song is just everything a song should be.  The lyrics have a longing in them that is undeniable, the vocal is Buckley at his best, (especially during the feverish finale), and it's another slow build that takes it's sweet time to get to the chorus and is over with before you realize it.  Close to seven minutes long, it could be seven hours long as far as I'm concerned.  I've prided myself with learning the entire thing on guitar, badly mind you, and half the chords in it I had never heard of before.  I am envious as all get out as to the song's construction and existence.  If I can ever in my days come up with something that just grazes the surface of "Lover's" greatness, than I shall die a happy soul.

100 FAVORITE SONGS 20 - 11

20.  "Forever" - Kiss

Paul Stanley and Michael Bolton with their powers combined?  Why the dick not?  I would never think that a singer in my 100 favorites of all time and a singer in my 10 worst of all time would both knock heads and pen one of my favorite songs of all time.  But I guess stranger things have happened.  Kiss' last top ten Billboard single thus far "Forever" stems from their final album of the 80s, Hot In the Shade.  Said album isn't necessarily one of the band's strongest, but up until Psycho Circus, Kiss hadn't released anything close to a bad album yet.  "Forever" is the type of maple syrupy balladry that every rock band was required by law to produce at least once per album during that decade but it unquestionably destroys all in the same vein.  Paul's soaring vocal and sexcellent songwriting skills certainly help, and whatever the hell Mr. "Please, Inside Voice" Bolton contributed must've been worth something as well.  He must've brought the syrup.  But yeah, this is the finest power ballad ever recorded and I usually love me some power ballads.

19.  "Easy" - The Commodores

Does this count as a power ballad as well?  Not so much "power" mayhaps but certainly the ballad part.  I guess just substitute the "power" for "sexual dynamite" courtesy of the demon in the sack Lord Lionel Richie at the helm as vocalist and composer of the quintessential Commodores jam.  "Easy" is actually the best song the Richie or darn near anybody ever wrote, either with the band he got famous with or flying solo.  Faith No More does a well known enough cover of "Easy" as well, though they cut the second verse out for some unfortunate reason.  Mike Patton still devastates the vocal so it's hardly worth missing.  But the guitar solo here by Thomas McClary is appropriately easy to play and might also be in the top ten of all time.  It's the piano and vocal melody though that are impossible not to fall for.  This is a song you can hear anywhere at any time and just ease back and sway uncontrollably to.  Even if it's blizzarding outside on a Monday at 6 in the AM on your way to a full week of work.  There can be no denying the superpowers that Lionel Richie most assuredly possesses.

18.  "Hey Jude" - The Beatles

I might not have a more famous song on this list than "Hey Jude".  It was the first single the Beatles released on their own Apple label and proceeded to sell all the copies ever.  It broke chart records in both their native UK as well as the US, (both as the longest single track length wise and longest position at number uno, respectively).  And I don't think a "greatest songs of all time" list has yet come out in any professional medium where it doesn't place, more often than not, about as high if not higher than I'm putting it here.  Like I said in the forward, sometimes I agree with a band's most popular song deserving the acolytes, or one of the many, many most popular songs where the Beatles are concerned.  This is arguably the best song Paul McCartney ever wrote.  Even John Lennon thought so.  Written as a lullaby to Julian Lennon regarding his parents current break-up at the time, "Hey Jude" is the ultimate piano ballad and perhaps it's most famous sing along finale, (still the longest fade-out in pop history I'd reckon), is pure greatness.  It's the Beatles doing what they simple couldn't help but do.  Being innovative and delivering a pop masterpiece that will endure long after anyone who was alive at the time, including them, is even with us.

17.  "In Your Eyes" - Peter Gabriel

My love for Peter Gabriel's music is as intense as it can possibly be for anyone's but I am hard pressed if ever in my life to believe that he has a better song in his catalog than "In Your Eyes".  So is an album that is in the higher running for the best ever made and there is perfection on display in every sound therein.  It makes all the sense then that said album would contain the ultimate Peter Gabriel song and "Eyes" is just the creme de le creme.  Gabriel's utilization of world music is about second to none where Westernized pop music is concerned and this is a beautiful-in-every-way representation of this.  The multi-layered percussion track, featuring both Manu Katché and Jerry Marotta on drums as well as numerous other acoustic and electronic flourishes, provides the perfect coloring for that simple keyboard "riff" and memorable 12-string guitar lick.  And of course Gabriel's exquisite lyrics.  Few better love songs exist than this and if anyone needs further proof that PG is an outstanding vocalist, this here is exhibit A.  The free-form vocal improvisation by both Gabriel and Youssou N'Dour at the end is a glorious send-home for "Eyes" as well.

16.  "Let's Go Crazy (Jam)" - Prince

How this song came to exist in it's seemingly present form I have yet to decipher.  For whatever thank-the-gods reason, at some point within the last few years, Prince put together an all-female group called 3rdEyeGirl and up and decided to use them to turn "Let's Go Crazy" into the sickest fucking stoner rock song of all time.  I've spent all the same years the rest of you have listening and loving the normal version of "Crazy" off the legendary Purple Rain album, but never in any of my years would I have the faintest idea that the song contained arguably the greatest guitar riff not written by Tony Iommi.  Since I was turned onto stoner "Crazy" by a band mate of mine last year, I have listened to it probably more times than any other Prince song.  Actually, I've probably been listening to this jam more than any song by anybody this whole time.  This guitar solo has always been what big floppy tittays would sound like if big floppy tittays were a guitar solo, but in this setting it just rips even harder.  Then we have one of the riffs from Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein"borrowed for good measure and then a brand new riff that is just destroyed for several minutes before bringing it back to home base for that recognizable, stop-everything-else ending lead rippage.  I'm just throwing this out there, but is there any possibility we can all just convince the Purple One to re-vamp every song in his catalog just like this?  I'll wait.

15.  "Do You Wanna Dance?" - The Ramones

You can balk all you want that no one in their right mind would put a random, less than two minute, Ramones cover of a Bobby Freeman song as not only their highest and only Ramones song on a list like this, but also a song that ended up in the top fifteen.  Satan damn it though, I stand proudly by it's inclusion where it belongs.  My buddy Shawn Reilly is my one and only ally in this, at least that I can say.  But anyshit, yeah, I just can't pretend there's another song in the book of Ramones that I ever feel like hearing more than Rocket To Russia's "Do You Wanna Dance?".  Or that there's a song by anybody that's stuck in my head more often.  Every time I hear it I just keep saying to myself "You know, this really is the greatest song of all time".  And judging by the fact that this is the first time it's made my favorite song list even though I've been a Ramones fan for years now, I can only imagine it may very well take the very top spot as routinely prophesied in me head.  Also, Rock and Roll High School is a delightfully stupid ass movie and you'd be right to bet the farm that the school hallway riot scene set to "Do You Wanna Dance?" is everything musical numbers in films should be.  See clip above for irrefutable evidence.

14.  "Kentucky Avenue" - Tom Waits

Any self-respecting songwriter or lover of music at that would have to be broken as a human being not to recognize that Tom Waits is one of the best song-slingers we've ever seen.  I understand Waits' McGruff the Crime Dog vocals often put a number of people off to his greatness, (though not I said the fly), but regardless, there is a never ceasing list of phenomenal songs that this man has penned over the decades.  Waits' most critically lauded albums Swordfishtrombones and Rain Dogs I agree are his finest offerings in album form, but as far as a single shining tune that dwarfs all others, it's Blue Valentine's "Kentucky Avenue" for the win.  One of if not thee most autobiographical song he has, the linear lyrics for "Ave" flow like a laundry list of childhood memories.  Waits' grew up on a street in California that bares the song's name and pretty much everything described in "Kentucky Ave" went down in some form or another accordingly.  This is another example, and I've had a few if you've noticed, of a song that just does one thing for it's duration.  The chord progression here changes but once, and we're never given a chorus.  Few songs build so gorgeously as does this one though and by the time the strings come in and the vocals pick up in intensity, it's just the best goddamn sounding thing on earth.

13.  "Let It Be" - The Beatles

And the piano loveliness moves ever forward.  Four songs in on this list now, it should be undeniable to anyone reading this that the Beatles are my favorite band.  Always have and always shall be.  And speaking of always, "Let It Be" has never not been my favorite Beatles song.  I usually re-evaluate any number of Beatles tunes at any given time since I listen to all their albums multiple times a year, certain ones hitting a particular spot for certain periods.  But nothing ever gets re-evaluated to the degree of overthrowing the title track off the band's last released studio album.  "Let It Be" has the only use in the Beatles discography of the "magic chord progression", (see U2's "With or Without You" plus a billion other pop songs for reference), though it's expanded upon here a bit if we're going to split hairs.  Lyrically, it follows a long line of up-lifting McCartney gems and the almost somber, certainly gospel tinged mood melds word to music splendidly.  The first verse and chorus of this song is my favorite thing the Beatles ever did, especially when those first background "oooo's" come in.  Just gorgeousness.  But when the song kicks into pre-power ballad gear, George Harrison gets to bust out the guitar solo of his career, the album version of the song most specifically, (two released solos exist, check the Blue Album for the other one).  The best song by the best ever group, straight-up.

12.  "Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley

No song ever has had such a successful one-hundred and eighty degree re-interpretation than Jeff Buckley's version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah".  Not only is Cohen's own version off of his Various Positions album completely unrecognizable from Buckley's, but it's unarguably completely inferior.  It's common practice to take a song you like and go somewhere very different with it when playing or recording your own version, but I wonder if Buckley had any idea at the time that he was ultimately taking ownership of "Hallelujah" when he took it to it's now legendary place.  Above any of his originals, "Hallelujah" has become JB's signature song, even though in his tragically short career he penned no shortage of phenomenal songs of his own.  Everything about Buckley's legacy can be heard here.  The vocal performance is just... fuckin hell can you even describe it?  The man's entire range is on display here and then there's that ethereal quality that's impossible to duplicate even if you're fortunate enough to have half of Buckley's technical vocal skills.  It is without question one of the most beautifully performed songs of all time and I can keep showering it with praise till I'm blue in the tits, but alas, the song doth speak for itself.

11.  "With or Without You" - U2

U2's The Joshua Tree has an unprecedented distinction.  That is that the opening three tracks on it are just about the best three tracks the band ever cut.  And all of them almost made this list.  On many a previous list I had "Where the Streets Have No Name" present and if I would've extended this here list just to the 110 mark, you would've read my words on it several entries ago.  But yeah, once again the masses are far from incorrect in placing "With Or Without You" on the pedestal that it's on.  It's been THE U2 song since it came out and the band has played it live at every single concert they've given since.  It'd be like Kiss not playing "Rock and Roll All Night" or Nickelback not getting rocks thrown at them mid-performance.  It's just gotta happen.  When I hear the "magic chord progression" in virtually ninety-nine out of a hundred pop songs on the radio, I think of "With Or Without You" every single time.  That is because this is the best and most unwavering example of said chord progression there be.  Adam Clayton never strays from playing it in straight four/four time and the rest of the band just continues to build layers of haunting beauty over it's foundation.  Bono has knocked it into outer space with many a vocal performance in his career and this is as good as he gets, the "OH OH OH OOOOHHH" part representing the perfect orgasm before it all simmers back down to my favorite part of the song, the fade-out.  It's the best thing the Edge ever did at that point, simplicity delivering the goods.