Monday, June 30, 2014

30 Favorite Stand-Up Comedians

30 FAVORITE STAND-UP COMEDIANS


Several years ago, Comedy Central ranked "The 100 Greatest Standups of All Time", a list that was voted upon by fellow comedians and for the most part was pretty solid.  As these things go with my nerd-list brain though, a seed was planted.  "Hmmm", went my internal dialog, "Could I come up with those many?".  Well as the title of this post clearly gives away, no, no I could not.

I actually began this list several months ago, though it quickly became apparent that doing one hundred was going to be impossible, as much as I love that epic number where these things are concerned.  Then I figured fifty would be a good route to take.  Alas, neither number was meant to be.  I had fifty at one point and I liked every one of them, but that was just the thing.  Several of the bottom tier I just "liked".  Cutting it down to the thirty you see here meant I had to actually make some tough choices near the bottom and as any list goes, some even tougher ones near the top.  Well, not too tough to be honest, as once again my number one spot should be zero surprise to anyone who knows me or has heard said individual even once in his/her lifetime

I will give you a clue, it is NOT this guy/thing.

A number of honorable mentions are in order I would say.  Filth legends like Redd Foxx and Rudy Ray Moore, some of the slew of comedians who came up in the 80s and thrived like Gallagher and Dennis Miller, "alternative comics" like Brian Posehn, Eugene Mirman, and Blaine Capatch, and other household names like Ron White, Lewis Black, and Daniel Tosh were all considered at one point for inclusion here.  These guys all have great stuff but hell, twenty-nine other guys and one girl have greater.  About that, I had no intention to come off as a chauvinistic pig here, but ultimately only one lady made the cut.  No excuse really, it is just mostly a man's game I guess for whatever reason.  Well one part-time transvestite made the list too, so that almost counts right?

Stand-up comedy may be a bit farther down the list of nerd obsessions of mine from horror movies or how awesome Lionel Richie is, but not too far.  I actually listen to comedy albums of the stand-up variety on a regular basis.  The complete recordings of Richard Pryor as well as George Carlin and a slew of others make a go-round for me at least once each and every year as well.  I have actually written a handful of jokes, (or ideas for jokes at least), over the years yet to date I have not gathered up near the gall to actually get on a stage at an open mic somewhere and give any of my witty observations a legitimate go in front of an audience.  Perhaps someday, (or not).  As it is, the listening, watching, and admiring of stand-up comedians is just an intense passion of mine, something I have had for years which probably goes back to Bill Cosby and Sinbad but well, more on those details to come...

*Note - Be sure to click the name of each entry for a link to some examples and proof of said entry's greatness.  I mean you do not have to or anything.  I ain't your pa.


"Folks I've been straight for seventeen days...Not all in a row."

Stand-up comedy's greatest screamer?  You goddamn right.  Ye obviously, Sam Kinison had to deliver some brilliant jokes and musings in between his iconic banshee wail to still remain an absolutely beloved and terribly missed comedian.  Kinison was along the lines of fellow macho, chauvinistic male comics who hit unheard of levels of fame in the 80s like Andrew Dice Clay or even Eddie Murphy to an extent.  Though not as consistent as Murphy or as filthy and one-dimensional as the Dice Man obviously, Kinison was a good balance in the middle.  His raving rants on his exes were exquisite, but other rants on religion and politics, the usual comedic stuffs, were also totally on par.


 "I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people.  Between five, it's fantastic."

Any professional comedian and scholar of the stand-up medium is well aware that at one point decades ago, Woody Allen was near the top of the food chain where telling jokes into a microphone was concerned.  The rest of us pretty much only know him as that creepy, walking neurotic Jewish stereotype who just so happens to make fantastic films on a quasi-regular basis.  For the uninclined though, go back and check out Standup Comic, a compilation of Allen's very best 60's vinyl recordings and virtually the only document to the man's on-stage genius that is in print.  It is one of the best such albums ever made and will easily make a believer even out of the most steadfast Allen disapprover.


"I like to keep the laughs going even while I play."

Steve Martin is a legend unto himself.  His stand-up simply defines absurd.  The man could barely keep still for five seconds without spazing out into a bit of physical lunacy that is just as funny as his actual words.  As good as a banjo player as he is which he has since gone onto pursue seriously, he utilized it in his act for laughs and consistently got them.  Martin planned on going from television writing and appearances straight into films and in that regard, he has admitted that his career, (and in turn incredible success), as a standup was pure accident.  Thankfully, his knock-out performances on SNL kick-started his whole selling-out-stadiums with an arrow in his head act and his mark in comedy history was soundly made.


"Have you guys seen the new Garfield movie?  He wears sunglasses and eats lasagna.  And Ottie, he's up to his old tricks!"

I have only seen a random hodgepodge of Zach Galifianakis' "stand-up", which is so utterly odd that you can barely even call it stand-up.  His Comedy Central Presents was glorious, but the best shit I have so far seen was what was featured on the Comedians of Comedy mini-series.  This guy is fearless in the face of getting a chuckle out of head-scratching on-lookers and he goes for the most ludicrous laughs he can get in front of any audience.  Definitely a purveyor of the awkward style of humor, he rarely misses the mark.  Even if he does though, he still makes it hilarious.


"When you're big you don't need a reason to sweat.  My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept.  They come up to me all the time, 'Jeez, you jumpin rope in the attic?'.  Um...I peeled an orange.  An hour ago."

I have only seen Sweat the Small Stuff from Kevin James, his one-off Comedy Central special.  Plus I honestly loathe most everything else this man has done, (including all of his movies and one of the worst sitcoms of all time, King of Queens).  So yeah, otherwise he would be higher.  Certainly belongs though because Sweat is one of the very best comedy specials of all time.  Fat guys sweating, men and women buying cards, his girlfriend trying to get into a locked car door, etc.  It is all gold.


"The only downside about bacon is that it makes you thirsty...for more bacon."

Ah, Jim Gaffigan, the world's premier food comedian.  Gaffigan's gimmick to base at least seventy-five percent of his act on any and every edible substance we have is at once seemingly one-dimensional yet at the same time consistently hilarious.  "Bacon" and "Hot Pockets" are Gaffigan's "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions", signature dishes that will live on as two of the greatest comedic bits of all time.  There is oodles more though from this guy that also rank as classics.  Riffs on bowling, whales, at-home birth, and straight-up being lazy are all handled masterfully by this pale, would-be Mormon.

24.  TODD BARRY

"This woman actually said, and I quote, "I like Coke.  I hate Pepsi with a passion."  And it made me very sad for her.  Cause her body is telling her that she hates something that tastes exactly like something she loves."

A man "whose delivery level is one notch above hypnosis", (actual quote), Todd Barry almost has that Steven Wright thing going for him where he sounds like he is about to fall asleep at any moment.   That certainly does not stop his material from being laugh-out loud funny though.  All four of Barry's albums have in and around forty tracks on them and they all showcase an observational comic that is very dry, quick on his feet with the hecklers, egotistical, and occasionally filthy.  I keep coming back to said albums and never get bored with them.


"Baby look pretty now Mommy?"

There are odd comedians and there are also odd people.  Then there is both.  Enter Minnesota raised Maria Bamford.  On the surface, Bamford's "thing" seems to be the utilizing of a near limitless arsenal of silly voices, all of them hilarious.  Yet the material itself is left of center to be sure.  Jokes that on paper cater to single, neurotic women and are delivered by a real-life sufferer of bipolar disorder with a dysfunctional family, (or at least she is dysfunctional and her family is normal), it all has a surreal edge that always works to Bamford's advantage.  I became a fan from her Comedy Central Presents special which was the very first thing I ever saw of hers.  A fan I have remained.

22.  JOE ROGAN

"'Humans are the only species that drinks the milk from other animals'.  Yeah, you know what else only humans do?  Make movies!"

Like Joe Rogan himself said during his act, "Most people don't even know I do stand-up".  I have run into this when bringing Rogan up with people who just know him as "that Fear Factor guy", another joke Rogan happily pokes fun at.  His first album I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday is good but a little one-dimensional, yet from Shiny Happy Jihad till now, he has really been delivering.  A proud weed smoker who rips on all the idiocy of the human race, (and yes, men and women being stupid with each other), Rogan's stuff is smart, usually rambunctious, and most always filthy.  Also most always hilarious.


"Americans say "leisure", we say "li-zure-aye."

If Monty Python was a stand-up comedian, he/it would probably be Eddie Izzard.  I fell in love with this guys shtick, (which almost sounds rather dirty doesn't it?), from 1998's Dress To Kill, still this executive transvestite's best work I would say.  even when not rocking the fabulous duds as the world's foremost cross-dressing comic, (see 2009's Stripped), Izzard's surreal, "so...yeah", stream of consciousness musings go off without a hitch.  Bizarre humor naturally finds my fancy, so it is no surprise that I am a fan of Izzard's rambling, "where the hell is he going with this", utterly odd tales about everything that has happened in the history of humankind.

20.  SINBAD

"I never thought a dollar could mean so much in college.  A dollar!  You find a dollar in college you be like 'Yes!  Gotta a dollar I don't know what I'm gonna do this weekend.  Might buy something might just hang out with my dollar!'." 

I have never understood the flack that Sinbad has gotten throughout his career.  You cannot rip on the guy for being clean, because hundreds of comedians, (many of them legends), never used any four-letter words.  Cannot rip on him for his material since it is the same observational/men and women do this stuff that countless others tackle.  I saw Brian Damaged for the first time when I was nine years old and I have watched it numerous times into adult hood and yeah, it is still goddamn hilarious.  For whatever reason, his Keith Sweat impression gets me every time.  His latest, (and first in years), Where U Been, is also as solid as ever.

19.  BILL COSBY

"When I ask you a question you keep your trap shut!  Think I'm talking just to hear myself talk?  Answer me!"

Ask any professional comedian who they think belongs in the Holy Trinity of Comics and most every last one of them will give Bill Cosby a placement.  Though I do agree that comedy's greatest story teller deserves the utmost respect for the five plus decades on the job, as you can see, I would not quite go so far as to say he is the be-all/end-all of stand-ups.  I have honestly found some of his stuff, (especially his early albums), rather dull.  Yet there is no denying that there is some serious greatness to be found in the days worth of hours of material that this man has accumulated.  Himself, particularly, is quite possibly the best stand-up special in history and the very first one that I ever remember seeing/loving in my lifetime.


"'You mind taking your hat off sir?  It's disrespectful to the ladies'.  Sure I can shove a twenty up her ass, but I better not have a hat on when I do it."

Such a hoopla was made when Dave Chappelle up and left his own show on Comedy Central that for awhile there it seemed that people forgot how great of a standup he is.  Well, the fact that he virtually disappeared for a few years as well had something to do with the forgetting.  Chappelle's material was getting better and better by the time Chappelle Show first aired.  I have actually been meaning to look into what the man's been delivering since said program prematurely finished, but alas, I have not tracked down much yet.  For What It's Worth, Killing Them Softly, and his very first HBO Comedy Half Hour were all flawless and Chappelle is one of the very few comedians to tackle a large amount of "white people do this, black people do this" material and still make it brilliant.


"People say 'Hey Anthony, you can't make fun of retarded people'.  And I say "No...YOU can't make fun of retarded people.  I'm fucking awesome at it.'"

Right off the bat, I just love this guy's M.O.  Pittsburgh native Anthony Jeselnik's entire style is to be as unapologetically offensive as possible, all the while coming off as the most arrogant asshole on the planet.  Literally every single joke this guy has is a killer.  Every last one.  They are all straight up "jokes" as well, almost in the old school sense.  Quick set up, quick delivery, a line or two a piece and then it is right on to the next gasp-worthy piece of gold.  Jeselnik is relatively new on the scene, his CCP debut was only five years ago.  In that time though, he has dropped two of the best stand-up albums ever made and had a brief two season run on his own Comedy Central show The Jeselnik Offensive.  Cannot wait for everything else this guy has in store.
 

"I took 'no' for an answer every single time.  How could you not?  'Hey, do you need gourmet cake decorations?  No?  I totally understand'."

Another comparative noob to the scene is Chicago native Kyle Kinane.  His two albums Death of the Party and Whiskey Icarus, (both of which spout awesome track titles, dude's clearly a Kiss fan), are outstanding.  Kinane is one of the most meticulous wordsmiths in stand-up right now.  No doubt the man has spent hours memorizing the carefully chosen text that transcends all of his material from simply funny to incredibly funny and often poetic.  He is the type of self-loathing comic that lets everyone in the audience laugh right along AT him, all the while his flowing language never letting you forget that you are listening to a master at work.


"In Cirque Du Soleil, everything is wet and French and gay and on fire all at the same time."

The ultimate nerd comic that is not like, one of THOSE comics that you read and shit, is Mr. Patton Oswalt.  This guy has been on a roll for years and it has only been within the last ten or so that he has been pumping out albums and really building his comic-book-fans-with-a-sense-of-humor fanbase.  Actually, superhero jokes only make up about 3% of Oswalt's material and Star Wars jokes maybe another 10%.  The rest runs the gamut of bitching about Republicans, hipsters, being fat, and the silliness that goes along with parenthood.  Plus all kinds of other shit.  Oswalt is the torch-bearing and perhaps "leader" of the alternative comics scene, only his stuff sticks even harder and is arguably even funnier.


"And you know what hell is folks?  It's Andy Gibb, singing 'Shadow Dancing' for eons and eons.  And you have to wear orange plaid bell bottoms and sit next to the Bay City Rollers.  'How you guys doin?  This is gonna SUCK!'"

I will admit that there may be some merit to many's claims that Denis Leary stole at the very least some themes if not flat-out material from the great Bill Hicks at the turn of his career.  Yet nothing stealing at all along the lines of some Carlos' who shall remain nameless.  Plus Lock 'n Load, Leary's 1997 "borrowed jokes free" special, I love each and every minute of.  The both infamous and lauded No Cure For Cancer though is the one that broke Leary into the mainstream and I barely debate in calling the best stand-up special of all time.  Two of the top five hardest times I ever laughed in my life are in there, (men eating meat and Jesus Elvis), and I have adored Leary's near mouth-foaming/on-stage ranting ever since.


"'Here's a picture of me when I was younger'.  Every picture is of you when you were younger."

Coming dangerously close to giving Steven Wright a run for his money as the funniest random, everyday one-liner comedian of all time was Mitch Hedberg.  At only thirty-seven when he died, the stage-fright suffering, sunglasses indoors wearing, hipstrer-droll speaking Hedberg had only delivered two albums and one Comedy Central special.  It is frustrating to say the least since so much more hilarity was clearly destined for the man, given a few more decades.  The small amount of material left behind though is literally flawless.  Hedberg is one of the very few comedians that does not have anything close to a bad joke on his resume.


"Now they got the peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.  I don't understand that.  I mean, I'm lazy but...that means there's somebody out there going, 'Yeah, I could go for a sandwich but uh...I ain't gonna open TWO jars!"

The best observational comedian whose last name does not rhyme with "Rhymefeld", Brian Regan is good people.  Once again I saw this guy for the first time on Comedy Central Presents and even to this day, his is the funniest performance that show has ever had.  Regan himself once said that he likes to "scrape the barrel" of what is left for the observational humorist to use, but man, he just keeps finding gold after gold after gold.  His strong-man competition bit on the after mentioned CCP brings me to tears every time.  Tons more of his do the same.


"They say she's retarded but them titties ain't retarded!"

Dave Attell or, (as my brother would say "The Jewish Me"), is this high on this list mainly for Skanks For the Memories, which I am calling it right now is the funniest stand-up comedy album ever made.  Attell's style can be summed up by the word "relentless".  Every sentence he utters is a joke and every one of them kills.  The man leaves no space for you to recover from any of it.  His stuff needs to be listened to/watched multiple times simply for the fact that you will be laughing your ass off through so much of it that you will miss half of it the first time around.  The most hilarious alcoholic jokes amongst many others that you will ever hear.


"Gimme the maximum strength.  Give me the maximum allowable human dosage.  Figure out what will kill me...and then back it off a little bit."

The archetypical and far and away best "clean" stand-up comedian of all time is Jerry Seinfeld.  Without the use of any four-letter words so much as once in his thirty-odd years on the job, Seinfeld has accumulated a body of work that speaks for itself.  The I'm Telling You For the Last Time special which was made up of the cherry picked best stuff he amassed throughout his Seinfeld period, is as solid as it gets.  Guys holding a mattress on a moving vehicle, running out of milk, the Silver medal in the Olympics, and the rest of it is just greatness.  I have seen this man live within the last decade and he did an hour and a half of completely different material that was as good if not better.  It is a blessing really that Seinfeld has retired from television and movies more or less to simply dedicate his time to standup.  Continuing to do what he loves to do then, he is still clearly one of the very best at.


"'Me and my friend were having a dick sucking contest and we thought you might make a pretty good judge.'  You never got that call when you were single.  Now you get it every Tuesday."

On the one hand it is a shame that it takes Chris Rock so long to come out with a new special, (waiting on over six years at this writing), but when he does, goddamn is it worth it.  Rock's HBO specials and accompanying albums have almost gotten better and better.  Bigger and Blacker and Bring the Pain are classics, but Never Scared and Kill the Messenger are equally on par.  Rock's rants on race and relationships prove consistent to say the very least.  What most people seem to rightfully admire about the man though is how completely on-point he is in every observation.  The more serious the issue, the more hilarious he makes it.  Mr. Pryor may spin in his grave at Rock's insistence on keeping his beloved racial slur alive, but when it is that funny always, the ends justify the means.


"What's another word for 'thesaurus'?"

When it comes to one-liners, Steven Wright has pretty much ruined it for everybody else.  Meaning that he is the best that ever was and ever will be at them. It is one thing that his ultra-droll, zero-energy delivery matches the bizarre material so well.  It is yet another thing that the bizarre material itself is as great as it is.  I could make a list of my hundred favorite Steven Wright jokes.  Wright has told probably thousands of them, covering thousands of topics, themes, or sometimes just words.  It is not only a marvel he just keeps coming up with more and more, but also that nobody else thought of what he thought of first.  Sadly and kind of inexplicably actually, Wright only has two stand-up albums and one other non-album special floating around.  Still, even if we only get one special a decade, so long as this guy lives for another ten of them, I would be perfectly fine with that.


"I've had my share of pussy and even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman's ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth a hundred and fifty million dollars!"

It is coming up on thirty years now since Raw, the last time that Eddie Murphy took the stage.  In a way, this is even more sad than some comedians who have up and died, since Mr. Fuck You Man still walks the earth and theoretically can reclaim his crown any time he wishes.  It is very possible that in the 1980s, this guy was the funniest human being on earth.  The very single hardest I have probably ever laughed in my life was the first time that I saw him do James Brown in Delirious, a moment I still need my inhaler for when I watch it for the hundredth time now.  There was a era where I watched Raw literally every single night when I got home from work, to the point where I can recite almost the whole thing ala Monty Python and the Holy GrailRaw and Delirious may be just about all we have or will ever have of Murphy's stand-up output, but both are more than enough to rank him this high.


"I've read large parts of the Bible and I will say honestly that the Bible truly is...one of the funniest books I've ever read."

The closest torchbearer we have to the legendary Bill Hicks I would say is David Cross.  Along with both Hicks and George Carlin, no other comedian has accurately attacked real world issues, (particularly Republicans and religion), as good as Cross has and possibly no one has attacked them so vehemently.  As rigorous as his intent often seems, there is a very finely sharpened blade of sarcasm to Cross' material which softens the edge ever so much.  Unapologetically an atheist and swinging as far from the right as possible, such things are hardly his sole topics.  Attacking America's, (and occasionally his own),  ignorance and laziness is the overall theme.  Cross does at times suffer from "smartest guy in the room syndrome", (not as much as Bill Mauher mind you), but nigh any of his points can be truly argued with.  Of course all would be for nothing if he was not actually ludicrously funny, which he undoubtedly is.  The massive one-two punch of Shut Up You Fucking Baby and It's Not Funny both equal two of the all time greatest comedy albums ever made.  PlusThe Pride Is Back and Bigger and Blackerer are both equally flawless as well.


"I said 'Who told you you could fool around with my wife?'.  He said "Everybody!'" 

"I know a lot of fucking jokes alright!".  Boy did he ever.  It is really hard to put into words how much I love this man.  Ever since childhood really, since Caddyshack and Back To School are two of my favorite things ever.  Then let us not forget "Burns, Baby Burns", one of the very best Simpsons episodes of all time.  None of this was Rodney Dangerfield on stage mind you, but whatever the medium and whatever the gig, Rodney was always Rodney, (Natural Born Killers notwithstanding).  When it comes to the old school, lounge-act, raunchy zinger style of stand-up, Mr. Dangerfield is the be all, end all.  This man has brought me to tears countless times.  Every time I think that I have heard the best Rodney Dangerfield joke, I hear ten more that can just as easily take its place.  It is one of my great misfortunes that I never got a chance to see the man live in action as doing so easily would have been to witness one of the greatest performances I could ever see.  Joke for joke, Rodney Dangerfield was the most consistent stand-up comedian there will ever be.


"I'm not sure what you're supposed to weight but I'm pretty sure it's not 'your age plus two-hundred pounds'."

There are not many stand-up comedians in all of history that you cannot keep up with when listening to than Louis C.K.  I do not just mean the fact that he is so goddamn funny that you have to listen to his performances at least twice before you can catch everything in them from laughing too hard.  It is also the fact that no other actual COMEDIAN can keep up with Louis in the actual realm of coming up with stuff.  For the last several years now, Louis C.K. has written an hour of new material every year.  Which is  ignoring the fact that he is the sole writer and director of his own sitcom Louie, which also debuts a new season a year.  So basically, we are talking about a comedic beast here.  There have been other guys like Lewis Black that have pumped out a whole lot of stuff on a consistent basis, but not only does C.K. trump them all in sheer volume, but he is also the best at his job.  In all seriousness, (as opposed to silliness), Louis C.K. is the funniest comedian alive today.  You would honestly have to rank all of his material since at least 2001's Live In Houston as his best.  It just keeps getting better and seemingly will continue to miraculously do so.


"I've noticed man, I'm 42, I like younger women.  Not even younger women.  Girls.  My daughter's 16 man, she bring home her friends sometimes I go 'GODDAMN...look at the titties on that bitch!'."

It is kind of hard to argue with the fact that most "greatest comedians of all time" lists that you will ever see shall put Richard Pryor firmly at the top.  There is a boatload of reasons that he belongs there, even coming from a guy who has him just two spots short.  Up until multiple sclerosis ultimately stopped him during the last several years of his life, Richard Pryor was technically the best there was.  Fame, money, and especially cocaine abuse not only brought all of the ups and downs to the man's life, but also fueled most of his material.  His 70s albums are the stand-up comedy albums to judge all others by, and particularly Wanted: Live In Concert and Live On the Sunset Strip are pretty much the Sgt. Pepper's and "White Album" of comedy recordings.  Joking on the differences between white and black people has become a pathetic cliche for years now in my opinion, but Pryor for better or worse started all of that and easily was the funniest at it.  Yet it was the baring of his own soul and own set-backs and fuck-ups which he consistently managed to turn into some of the best comedy bits of all time that was so admiring.  Before MS took his speech, he still got on stage a few times and joked about even that, sharp and hilariously as ever.  Every comedian since has been influenced by Richard Pryor and this will continue to be the case as long as the material far outlives the man.


"A lot of Christians where crosses around their necks.  You think whenever Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross?"

Bill Hicks may be the only comedian whose material transcended the "art of making people laugh" and instead, (or in addition to I should say), went to a whole different place.  Bill Hicks was important.  His words were important.  George Carlin tackled the real serious stuff with an irrefutable logic, but that was only one of many, many themes to the man's work.  Hicks was something even more profound, mainly in the fact that virtually ALL of his work was dealing with the serious stuff.  Yes by the man's own admittance there were dick jokes and other vulgarity, but shit, there has never been another stand-up comic that really made you contemplate what we are all doing on this planet, hours after listening to him.  Hick's rants have swam through my head countless times and each time I have found myself laughing out loud even then, let alone when I am listening to Arizona Bay or Rant In E Minor for the fiftieth and sixtieth times.  I have amassed just about all of Bill Hick's albums and DVDs at this point, so I have committed a large part of it to memory.  He is one of probably two comedians who I can say helped shape many of the things I believe or do not believe I could say.  "Another dead hero" as Tool would proclaim whose life and work was cut short, Bill Hicks will probably forever remain the ultimate comedians comedian.


"And now they're thinking about banning toy guns...but they're gonna keep the fucking real ones!"

George Carlin has been my favorite comedian even before I started taking comedy more seriously.  I know that sentence sounds rather stupid, but I digress.  Along with Hicks, Carlin's work has done more for me than just made me laugh my fucking ass off.  Carlin said that he broke his material into three groups; language, observational, and the "big world".  He has countless legendary bits in those first two, ("my stuff", advertising lullaby, seven dirty words, etc), but it is really the latter; the big stuff on the cosmos, religion, and mankind's purpose or lack thereof that really did a number on me.  Carlin simply breaks shit down with, as he put it, his "usual flawless logic".  After hearing him talk about anything really, it is virtually impossible to not agree and furthermore, even live by the man's words.  No comedian has ever made as many irrefutable points as Carlin and probably never will.  Also along with Pryor, Carlin's decades on the job made him an absolute master of the comedic form.  As Bill Maher said, "He was the rabbit that no one could catch".  Best there ever was.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

100 Favorite Comic Book Characters 20 - 1

100 FAVORITE COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS

20 - 1

20.  COLOSSUS

The Marvel Universes' decades long running roster of big strong-guys has produced a whole lot of memorable ones.  When it comes to the big strong-guy X-Men roster in particular, Piotr Colossus Rasputin is top of the heap.  Me, my brother, and one of my oldest friends especially have always loved this guy, originally because he is big, turns into metal while smashing things, and looks cool as shit.  The very best of the new mutants to debut in Giant-Size X-Men #1, (along with the likes of Nightcrawler and Storm), Pete Rasputin is a quiet, shy, and mild-mannered Russian farmer whose mutant ability kicked in for the first time when saving his sister Illyana from an on-coming train.  Professor X caught wind of this, made Piotr the offer that most mutants cannot refuse, and well, here we are.  A common trait in comics is to give a character a personality that is at odds with his/her powers or physical appearance and at 6'7" un-metalled, Colossus could run around smashing through brick walls all day if he so desired.  Instead though, he only busts out his Hulk side in extreme combat situations, preferring to cuddle with Kitty Pride or quietly read and/or doodle in his spare time.  Of course us superhero fans ultimately hoot and holler when he lays the smack down on bad guys though.

19.  HARLEY QUINN

It was only a matter of time before the Joker got a love interest.  Actually a matter of five decades in this case.  Just like we have the 1960's Batman television series to thank for giving us Barbara Gordon's Batgirl, we have Batman the Animated Series to give props to for giving us Harley Quinn.  The awesome season one episode "Joker's Favor" was the very first appearance in any medium of Harley.  The writers initially just needed someone to jump out of a cake and nab a bunch of Gotham's finest.  Co-creator Paul Dini used friend and former Days of Our Lives actress Arleen Sorkin to voice the character as well as inspire her and thankfully they decided to keep her around and see what else they could get Miss Quinn into.  This included bringing her into the actual comics with the Dini and fellow BTAS co-mastermind/Bruce Timm penned The Batman Adventures #12.  Dr. Harleen Quinzel, (get it?), who is a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum falls hard prey to the Joker's fiendishly manipulative ways, becoming her Puddin's on/off accomplice and turbulent love interest.  The results of this have remained hilarious to be sure, but have furthermore brought a fascinating concept into the Batman mythos to further follow someone who could have such a highly disturbed, profound emotional attachment to comic book's greatest ever psychopath.

18.  MANDARIN

Why give your comic book creation one superpower when you can give him ten?  This is the long-short of what makes Iron Man's numero uno arch nemesis the Mandarin so fucking awesome. The Mandarin has so much going for him that it is downright silly that he has not succeeded in taking over the world yet, as he has always been determined to do.  The ten power rings that he is equipped with cover almost everything even a hack criminal could utilize in making the globe kneel before their feet.  Seriously, scroll down to the "powers and abilities" section.  Yet this guy here is no hack.  He has been hell bent on vengeance since early adult hood after being kicked out of his native land for being flat broke from squandering all of his inheritance on training himself in all things supervillainy.  This included mastery of the scientific and hand-to-hand combatic arts.  The Mandarin then stumbles upon long-abandoned alien technology which gives him the rings.  Enter more training, more mastery, more meglomaniacal desires festering within, and the do-badder that would forever come to blows with Tony Stark becomes firmly established.  On pure ability alone, few if any super villains deserve to rule all of us more than the Mandarin does.

17.  MR. FREEZE

Good ole Batman TV shows to the rescue yet again, this time both of them.  A stock gimmick villain originally called Mr. Zero when he debuted in Batman #121 in 1959, the "Zero" was changed to "Freeze" for the 1960s Batman show and so it forever remained.  Fast forward to Batman the Animated Series where Paul Dini re-wrote his origin for the phenomenal "Heart of Ice" episode which still ranks as probably the best one that show ever produced.  So much so that DC took their cue from an outside adaptation yet again and re-introduced said origin as canon.  A cryogenic scientist that suffered an accident while trying to cure his vegetated, terminally ill wife Nora, Dr. Victor Fries, (yeah the "real" name is still silly), gets his body shocked to freezing level temperatures.  Hence the armored astronaut from hell suite and hence the taste for vengeance.  In obvious ways, a cartoony bad guy with a silly schtick and name like Freeze would seem like one of the last ones to get such a successful second chance at awesome.  Low and behold though, lighting struck.  Also, I made it through this entire write-up without dropping one ice pun.  Suck it Arnold!

16.  LOKI

One of the most badass character designs in all of Jack Kirby's career, (which is saying something to be sure), Thor's arch-nemesis Loki is also just one of the best supervillains of all time.  For one, he cannot be killed due to a reincarnation power he picked up, which is a pretty awesome trick right off the bat.  Speaking of tricks, naturally the trickster god can pull of virtually limitless sorcerer shenanigans.  Astral projection, shape-shifting, conjuring, the casting of illusions, manipulation of all magical forces, flight, hypnosis, and a hoopla of other stuff is all at his beckon call.  Also being a descendant of Frost Giants yet at the same time maintaining the physical abilities of Asgardian Gods, he also has super strength, speed, durability, stamina, and immunity.  To almost solely be pitted against his stronger than anything adoptive brother Thor, he would have to have a plethora of powers to utilize and as you can see, boy does he ever.  He is of course also fiendishly clever and evil, as epic baddies most always are.  Two for two in excellence as far as Kirby and Stan Lee Norse God Marvel adaptations go.

15.  BEAST

Out of the original band of uncanny mutants that debuted in X-Men #1, the Beast Hank McCoy has remained my absolute favorite.  As a founding X-Men, he is also the one who has undergone the most dramatic and gradual physical change.  Originally just a big guy with over-sized hands and feet who ran around on all fours while being agile and strong like ape, Beast has become more and more well, beast-like over the decades.  Blue fur, claws, fangs, and an overall almost cat like appearance has taken over.  With the more ferocious appearance has come ever increasing mutant abilities too, namely strength, speed, and agility.  He also has had super healing and super senses at various points.  From the beginning though, Hank McCoy has had the brains to match the beastness.  A mathematical and scientific genius, doctor, and at the front line along with Charles Xavier himself in the quest to spread mutant awareness and acceptance via political means, McCoy is one of those "looks and abilities at odds with intellect and demeanor" type characters.  Always makes for a more compelling superhero which is certainly the case here.

14.  DREAM

Neil Gaiman's single greatest creation as well as the single greatest comic book series of all time is The Sandman.  Said book's title character Dream, (aka Morpheus), is the single SINGLE greatest of Gaiman's creations.  The book's personification of the seven Endless, (unfathomably powerful beings who have existed longer than any other concept or being in all of creation or before), is possibly the most epic concept in all of comic books.  Staring front and center in the series is Morpheus, Lord of the Dreaming.  A dead ringer for Robert Smith of the Cure, Morpheus is the living entity of all dreams and stories, all of "fiction" basically.  A tall, very brooding character who is slow to humor, deeply in-tuned with his all important responsibilities, and very, very long on forgiveness for those who have wronged him, he is as troubled a character as any in comicdom.  Being one of the Endless, he is also beyond omnipotently powerful.  Throwing these two ideas together, plus so many more that would take ages to get into here, is a testament to Gaiman's genius that this guy is as compelling and fantastic as it is.

13.  WONDER WOMAN

Originally created by psychologist and S&M enthusiast, (no joke), William Marston, Wonder Woman is and has always been the world's greatest female superhero.  Princess Diana of Themyscira, (let us just forget her utterly stupid "secret identity" Diana Prince shall we), is a warrior princess based on the Greek Amazons.  Her origin though has undergone both slight and major tweaks in continuity over the seventy-plus years.  Many elements stay the same, involving Diana's Queen of the Amazons mother Hippolyte forming her daughter from clay, American Captain Steve Trevor's plane crash on the women-only Paradise Island, and the contest which Diana enters against her mothers will to prove that she is the most heroic and badass of all the Island's women.  Her leaves-nothing-to-the-imagination costume has always retained its red, white, and blue colors as well, yet it is actually not as impractical as all logic points to.  For one thing, if you are invincibly strong and bullets/most other things do not harm your skin, then you do not need protection from much.  Also, the less you have on, the more freely you can move.  Also again, the less you have on and the more you look like the robo-babe that Diana does, the more the male would-be badguys that you are dueling it out with will be, well, distracted to say the least.  Easy-on-the-eyes-ness aside, it is Wonder Woman's nobility, god-like powers, and epic origin that really make her deserve her iconic status I would say.

12.  SWAMP THING

Alan Moore's six volume spreading run on DC's Swamp Thing is near the top of the vegetable chain as far as comic book excellence goes.  Though it is all that I have read thus far of the character, it is also more than enough to solidify Swampy's place this high on this list.  There is a borderline Frankenstein monster element here, though the scientist becomes the monster rather than creating it artificially.  Thing's origin has changed with the former humans that have become him/it, but it has essentially remained more abstract than any Marry Shelly creation.  It is basically someone's consciousness becoming absorbed into the swamp and a sentient being comprised of both emerging.  One of the elements that Moore brought into canon was that there have been many Swamp Things over the centuries and will continue to be many more no doubt.  As ST becomes older and wiser, his powers and control over them become more awesome as well.  A being that can travel its consciousness over any untold distances where there is even the most remote of vegetation, he can then emerge in said area which is a ridiculously useful power.  Then there is his seemingly limitless ability to control and furthermore create plant life virtually anywhere on earth or any other planet for that matter.  Also when Swampy gets pissed, you are not going stop him so do not even try.

11.  THOR

Wielding the single greatest weapon in the history of comic books is awesome enough, yet Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, (Stan's brother), and Jack Kirby's Norse Thunder God Thor is no one-trick pony.  Being the son of all-powerful Odin, Thor is the very strongest Asgardian and virtually the strongest being in the Marvel Universe.  His senses are so in tuned that he can hear people in trouble from across the universe, he can time travel, heal himself, withstand anything, fight forever, and never die basically.  It is a small wonder why every other Marvel superhero does not immediately holla at him when they need an extra hand or better yet, just feel like taking the day off by letting Thor handle it.  Good thing he is a founding Avenger then I suppose.  Yet the same as Superman who is also so invincible that he can easily become boring dramatically, Thor has remained relevant and has had some classic arcs through his decade-spanning existence in comics.  Walt Simonson's run in the 1980s in particular is probably the best the character has ever had.  Of course being based on Norse mythology, most of the Mighty Thor's stories are epically epic, huge sprawling battles between the forces of good and evil that feature vast armies, otherworldly realms, and even giants and dragons.  Thor and the unstoppable Mjolnir are right there at the forefront, pounding everything into dust that is in their way.

10.  SPIDER-MAN

We are getting to some predictability here since probably Marvel's very most popular superhero ever is up next, meaning of course the Spectacular Peter Spider-Man Parker.  Created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko in Amazing Fantasy #15, (a comic that if you owned a copy of, would pretty much mean you would never have to work again), Spidey has had more titles than any other Marvel character, as well as more movie adaptations to date.  There is good stuff here warranting such dedication to the web-slinger.  Lee envisioned Peter Parker as the type of teenager that he figured a good chunk of Marvel's readers actually were.  So, a puny nerd that gets picked on pretty much.  In that regard, Spider-Man was essentially a hero for the people or at the very least, a hero for the audience.  It was one of the many innovative and ultimately brilliant moves on Lee's part, and due to a continuous stream of top-notch writers and artists, (John Romita, Todd McFarlane, Brian Michael Bendis, not to mention Ditko himself), your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man has continued to thrive.  Many a legendary arc such as the death of Gwen Stacy, Norman and Harry Osborn becoming Green Goblins, the Venom suite, and his marriage to Mary-Jane Watson have been part of Spidey canon.  Plus his rogues gallery is the only in Marvel to rival that of Batman in quantity if not exactly in quality.

9.  RA'S AL GHUL

Batman's second greatest though perhaps most dangerous foe is the Demon's Head himself, the immortal Ra's Al Ghul.  Spawned by arguably Batman's first creative team that really mattered in Dennis O'Neil and Neal Adams, Ghul first appeared in Batman #232 in 1971.  Being a supervillain created three decades after Batman's debut and a few years after the 1960's TV show had come and gone, Ghul has never had an interpretation that resembles the least bit of silliness or obvious pun-related gimmickry.  He is more of an anti-villain really.  A centuries old mastermind and ruler of the international terrorist group the League of Shadows, Ghul seeks to purify the human race through biological warfare by wiping out all of the evil and unworthy in the process.  A perfect world would therefor thrive, but it is the cost of such a world that has consistently pitted Batman against him.  Well that and the family ties make their relationship complex to say the least.  He is the father of Talia Al Ghul and therefor grandfather to Bruce Wayne's son Damien.  Drama!  It is Ra's infinitely far-reaching empire, Lazarus Pit fueled immortality, ability to go hand in hand while standing his ground against Batman in a duel, overall brilliance, and twisted nobility that just make him utterly awesome.  No Batman villain could essentially end the world as we know it if not for the Dark Knight's interference and this puts Ra's Al Ghul at the top of Bat's Most Wanted list.

8.  IRON MAN

Iron Man has been around for over fifty years now and pretty much from his first appearance in Tales of Suspense #39, he has also been in the upper elite of Marvel good guys.  Four gentlemen are credited with ole Shell Head's creation, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby of course, plus Lee's brother and sometimes co-conspirator Larry Lieber as well as fellow stock Marvel house artist Don Heck.  It was Lee's concept to make a superhero based off Howard Hughes; a billionaire playboy industrialist and genius whose background could and often would far more stereotypically spawn as the origin for any number of supervillains.  Instead, Tony Stark took to the hero path after he found himself trapped in a Vietnamese jungle against his will with a near fatal heart injury in tow.  Forced to make a deadly weapon for his captors, he reasonably said "fuck that noise", (I am paraphrasing), and instead used the materials to build a suite of impenetrable armor and escape.  Metallic in color at first, then yellow, and then tweaked to the now iconic yellow and red ensemble, few comic book characters of any era or genre look as balls-droppingly awesome as Iron Man does.  When it comes to powers and abilities, Stark's tin can on steroids has consistently one-upped itself, making him one of the strongest and most powerful of earth-bound good guys.  Also of course there is the always compelling and long, long going story arc of Stark's fight with alcoholism, a realistic flaw to propel the character into much great, dramatic territory.

7.  CAPTAIN AMERICA

The saying "American as apple pie" I hereby vote should be forevermore changed to "American as Captain America".  Or fine, maybe "American as Steve Rogers".  Originally debuting WAY the hell back in 1941 for Timely Comics, (which pre-dated Marvel), and created by Jack Kirby and Joe Simon, Captain Steve Rogers came back into the public consciousness since Kirby and Stan Lee had the foresight to usher him into the Silver Age with The Avengers in 1964.  Cap was my favorite Marvel superhero for as long as I remember, mostly because Red Skull looked so cool that I therefore had to love his sworn enemy just as much.  So there are years of nostalgic drawing and reading and re-reading about my favorite red, white, and blue, Nazi-whooping patriot.  As I got older though and started reading back from the beginning of Cap's Silver Age period, I re-evaluating my former childhood fondness of guys that just looked awesome, In this case, I found myself enjoying the super soldier serum golden boy even more.  Steve Rogers just idealizes everything a superhero is supposed to be.  There is a type of good for the sake of good, justice for the sake of justice, and freedom-for-all code of living and dying that Cap just absolutely optimizes.  Old fashioned?  No doubt.  Yet Cap is the noblest and just of all comic book characters that has fought villainy and tyranny through five plus major wars over seventy years now.  You don't stick around that long if you are not fighting the good fight.

6.  WOLVERINE

I was in denial during my childhood and young adulthood as to the awesomeness of Wolverine.  "X-Men?  Bah, that Wolverine is too popular and I am too cool for that".  So I was a hipster before there were hipsters.  Sigh.  Honestly though, I have been a fan of Marvel's ultimate anti-hero for most of my life, be it secretly or for quite awhile now, most openly.  Pretty much if it has Wolverine in it and no matter what the medium, it will be good.  The Chris Claremont and John Buscema solo book that debuted in 1988 was instantly one of the best Marvel ever put out, as was the mini-series six years earlier by Claremont and Frank Miller.  There has been a bunch more since and before then too, (mmm...Old Man Logan).  What can you really say about this guy?  There is a reason that the dude with the claws is so popular.  A brooding anti-hero who debuted right at the perfect time when comics were getting more adult, he forever found a home in the Uncanny X-Men.  Plus lets face it, he has fucking awesome powers; super healing, super senses, super animalistic everything, and of course that adamantium skeleton and dem claws.  You really cannot lose when you throw all of this into a no-bull shit, not afraid to murder, wise-cracking, 5'3" Canadian that has lived longer than even Captain America and presumably always will thanks to that good ole healing factor/immortality mutant ability.
 
5.  MAGNETO

Time for some supervillains.  Well actually, Magneto has not really been a straight-forward bad guy since Stan Lee stopped writing his dialogue.  This is one of the chief things that makes him so fantastic and a very high favorite of mine.  Erik Lehnsherr/Max Eisenhardt, (depending on the writer or Mag's mood), is essentially the other side of the coin to Professor Charles Xavier.  The Prof wants mutants and humans to co-exist peacefully with each other, whereas Magneto wants to rule over them or at the very least, wipe out as many that get in his way or could pose a threat.  Both love their mutant brethren with the utmost sincerity and have each dedicated their lives to the betterment of their own race.  Yet polar opposite paths have pitted the two would-be close old friends countless times against each other.  That being said, Magneto has had numerous spells, (even more so over the last few decades), of cooperating and even leading the X-Men on the side of good.  Plus much of his hatred towards ignorant humankind is wholly justified.  This is due to the fact that he is a Holocaust survivor and having experienced firsthand the modern world's most severe real-life form of racial injustice, naturally his desire to not let the world's mutants undergo similar treatment is something to rally behind.  All the seriousness that makes Magneto such a "grey" and excellent character aside, Magneto is also straight-up ridiculously powerful.  Control of everything electromagnetic basically means that unless he is surrounded by nothing but plastic, he can do whatever the hell he wants.  Just try and drop a bomb on him or unload an arsenal of bullets his way and watch him rightfully laugh at you.

4.  THANOS

For most of my friends that grew up reading the Infinity Gauntlet when it was brand new, Thanos is and has remained our favorite thing ever.  By leaps and untold bounds, he is the greatest cosmic being in comic book history and just damn near the greatest supervillain in comic book history as well.  So says I and anyone who knows what they are talking about.  Why is Thanos so awesome?  Well mostly because of that nifty Gauntlet.  Yes I know Thanos' omnipotence with the Soul Gems was ultimately short lived and I know the Infinity arc has stretched beyond the early nineties and is still being explored today.  Yet when the Mad Titan finally got his hands on all six Gems and set about pleasing his Mistress Death, he instantaneously pulled off the greatest feat of any supervillain past or present.  Has anyone else ever simply snapped his fingers and immediately made half of the beings in the galaxy no longer exist?  Exactly.  Thanos was doomed to fail of course, but for ever so short a moment, he was the most powerful anything ever.  That naturally made me a fan forever, but even without the supreme-being/evil god powers, Thanos can still destroy almost anything.  Being born a mutant Titanian Eternal already naturally enhanced his abilities over his own race, but then his scientific mastery of all things and worship of Death bumped his skills up even more.  His never ending quest to please his Mistress with destruction and chaos while ruling over all makes him easily the most feared and unstoppable force in the cosmos.

3.  RED SKULL

Apparently inspired by a hot fudge sundae, (seriously, I had to read it twice myself to make sure I was not high), the Jack Kirby, Joe Simon, and France Herron-created arch villain for Captain America is my absolute favorite Marvel character.  This has been firmly rooted in my brain since childhood when I took one look at a bad guy with a literal red skull for a face and immediately understood that yes, that was the coolest looking thing I had ever seen.  It still is.  Skull has been around exactly as long as Cap himself since they both share the same first appearance, Captain America Comics #1.  So the two completely opposing forces of good and evil, justice and tyranny have been forever linked since day one.  Originally a Nazi henchmen and a top dog answerable only to Hitler himself, Johann Schmidt has long outlived the hate-fueled ideology of his old boss.  He has since set about his own mission of world domination and as always, the destruction once and for all of Captain Steve Rogers.  Something I have always admired about the Red Skull is in fact the opposite of what I usually love about most other characters.  That is that he is superpower-less for the most part.  His long stint utilizing a Captain America clone body notwithstanding, he was originally just a German dude and as of late, he is an android.  Comics get confusing I know.  Really though, all that he has had going for him is just his unapologetical evil, some fighting skills, firearms, henchmen, the Cosmic Cube, (be it briefly), and his brilliant strategics.  Sometimes just being a wicked old Nazi who refuses to die or give up on killing the living embodiment of all that is good about America is all you need to be a benchmark supervillain.

2.  JOKER

Well here he is.  Any greatest villains/comic book characters/fictional anything list that does not have the Joker in it/topping it is a list that deserves to go sit in the corner.  He is the single greatest super villain of all time and the most perfectly constructed arch-nemesis to his chosen adversary, of course meaning Batman.  Just like Bats, the Joker has been around for seven decades and there is little you can say about him that is not common knowledge at this point.  After all those years in comic book form as well as appearances in every other Batman related medium, we all know the lowdown on the Clown Prince of Crime.  He is a living symbol of anarchy.  An absolute psychotic nutbar, as dangerously crazy as he is straight up dangerous, the Joker is at once three steps ahead of everyone and completely unpredictable.  He is just as likely to kill his own henchmen on a whim, ditch one of his masterfully arranged, long term schemes on a whim, or spew a never ending thread of convoluted lies and tricks on a whim as he is to stick to his plan.  This makes him the perfect criminal, meaning no M.O. and just all chaos and laughs at all times.  Mr. J has pulled off at least two of the most iconic crimes in comic book history, the crippling of Barbara Gordon and the death of Robin number two Jason Todd.  Being the nerd I am, I would say that his never ending run-ins with Batman all equal the most satisfying stalemate in all of fiction.  As Heath Ledger perfectly uttered to Bats at the climax of The Dark Knight, "You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness and I won't kill you because you're just too much fun.  I think you and I are destined to do this forever".  Truth.

1.  BATMAN

Behold, the most predictable number-one spot in the history of list making!  Well, maybe the Beatles topping a "Greatest Bands of All Time" list would be more predictable, but just by a hair.  I really have no profound words of explanation here because really, Batman is the best of all time.  Pure and fucking simple.  Everything about the character's origin, personality, self-honed abilities, and motivation works.  Plus no superhero has a greater supporting cast than Batman, be it the Rogue's Gallery to rule all others or the tight network of help that Bruce Wayne has round up over the decades.  Then there is Gotham City, (the best and most iconic setting in all of comics), as well as Arkham Asylum, (the best "can't contain a psychotic criminal to save it's bricks" resident nuthouse in all of comics).  Countless Batman-related arcs rank as some of the best that the comic book medium has ever had, (Bane breaking his back, the Joker killing Jason Todd and putting Barbara Gordon in a wheelchair, Ra's Al Ghul's appearance on the scene, and the on-again/off-again romances with both Ra's daughter Talia and Selina Kyle).  No other comic book character has more or better graphic novels under his title than Batman as well.  The Dark Knight Returns, Year One, Hush, The Long Halloween, The Killing Joke, Arkham Asylum: A Serious House On Serious Earth, and A Death In the Family all just barely scratch the surface of greatness.  My very first memories of Batman were of watching the 1960s TV show, which I still adore.  Then when Tim Burton's first Batman film came out, it was all over; he has never been topped since.  So this has been a life-long thing as well as a very current thing, since I am still on a quest to own every Batman graphic novel ever put out and will pretty much love everything with his face in it.  I even think Batman & Robin is one of the greatest movies ever made.  For completely silly reasons of course but still, that has got to say something right there.