80's American Horror Part Thirty-Three

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2
(1981)
Dir - Steve Miner
Overall: MEH

With the case of 80s slasher films, generally you do not even need to see one to know how it is going to play out.  With the case of Friday the 13th films specifically, this rings even more true.  Well, at least that is the case for the second installment, which went into production rather quickly after the first one dropped the year before and is almost hilariously the exact same movie.  Original director Sean S. Cunningham stepped down with associate producer Steve Miner stepping in both here and for the following year's Part 3.  This was after Paramount's initial idea to have each entry in the franchise be a stand-alone one was tossed aside in place of making that kid who popped up out of Crystal Lake for five seconds the main antagonist from here on out, sans hockey mask at this point.  A few of the cast and crew returned, though Tom Savini bailed as he thought a machete-wielding Jason was a stupid idea.  Plus he was busy making the abomination that is John Russo's Midnight anyway.  The stock, retreaded script of another crop of school counselors taking their clothes off, getting spied on, and then murdered is horrifically boring to endure yet again.  To make it even more of a pain in the ass, there is an insulting amount of psych-out jump scares just to up the cliche count even more.  Is it any worse than the other twenty-to-thirty slasher movies that came out the same year?  No, but why compare the texture and feel of piece of shit to other pieces of shit?  It is all shit.

THE MONSTER SQUAD
(1987)
Dir - Fred Dekker
Overall: GOOD

One of the best kid-friendly horror comedies certainly of the 80s and possibly ever, The Monster Squad is fun, tight, silly, and in on its own charm.  As the direct follow-up to his Night of the Creeps, Fred Dekker, (and co-screenwriter Shane Black who also wrote Lethal Weapon the same year), concoct a part-homage to Universal's classic monsters and horror movie logic in general, but if the film was nothing sans nostalgic nods then it would not be nearly as successful.  The fact that the movie is genuinely funny and moving outside of its sentimental horror geek service essentially makes it work as a quick-paced, Goonies-style kids vs. bad guys excursion.  While the well-equipped child actors get the most screen time, Duncan Regehr makes for a solid Count Dracula and as Frankenstein's monster, Tom Noonan honestly does the best job since Boris Karloff and his could rank as the most humane of any such portrayal.  There is some dated, political incorrectness and the script while entertaining makes no attempt to ground a single solitary plot point in any semblance of plausibility.  Yet for a movie specifically designed to be light-weight popcorn fare, it does more than enough things right to get by on charisma alone.  Charisma which it thankfully has in spades.

PUPPET MASTER
(1989)
Dir - David Schmoeller
Overall: MEH

Installment number one in a whopping thirteen film deep franchise to date, Puppet Master is another that comes from the hands of writer/director David Schmoeller who has made horror films practically his entire career.  Though to his credit, he would bow out creatively after this one.  Many hallmarks of straight to video horror fare are present, including flat, inexpressive lighting, laughably poor acting by unfamiliar actors, dated special effects, and an incessant keyboard soundtrack that hardly ever shuts up.  While some of this is amusingly hokey at least in small doses, matters are further complicated by the, well, complicated plot.  The first act is oddly unforgiving.  Instead of creating an air of proper intrigue, it seems amateurish with all of the other subpar elements of the production at play.  Any movie where tiny toys are the monsters is bound to come off a bit or a lot ridiculous anyway, so in this regard it cannot really afford such shortcomings unless a full blown, schlocky approach is taken.  While it does venture into such terrain at times, the slow build and foggy narrative is quite hindering.  Even when the little puppet people do start finally running around playing stabby stabby, we are mostly treated to boring POV shots of them while inter-cutting with more lame characters and dialog.

80's American Horror Part Thirty-Two

FORBIDDEN WORLD
(1982)
Dir - Allan Holzman
Overall: MEH

With a tag line such as "Part Alien...Part Human...All Nightmare", a nifty painting that combines Frank Frazetta tantalization with sci-fi bug monsters, and the text "Produced by Roger Corman" hovering over the R rating, the cover art for Forbidden World, (Mutant, Subject 20), gives you all the information you need.  Meaning it is much lamer than it looks and fulfills all expectations that a typical B-rent Corman movie would have.  It was shot on existing sets from the previous year's Galaxy of Terror, (also produced by Corman), utilizes footage from Battle Beyond the Stars, (also also produced by Corman), and allegedly went into production with no script and nothing more than a few notes from Corman.  The cast is far from A-list and far from good, with the women being nothing more than vacant-expression boobs to look at and the guys being mostly macho cliches.  Plot wise, it is Alien without any of the atmosphere, any of the budget, and any of the brains.  If it was not for all of the exploitative nudity and gore, the film would fit right at home with any 50s drive-in, monster B-movie.  Whether or not that is a good, bad, or laughable thing is up to the individual of course.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
(1984)
Dir - Charles E. Sellier Jr.
Overall: MEH

One of the more lucrative entries in the Holiday horror sub-genre that spawned four sequels and a remake, Silent Night, Deadly Night was also one of the most notorious.  Successful protests were launched, complaining about its add campaign that took the film out of theaters only a week after its release.  The almost unanimously appalled reviews did not help much either.  While the premise of a kid whose parents were murdered by a guy in a Santa Clause costume right in front of him is solid, all of the future problems he faces seem easily avoidable.  If all of the nuns who proceed to raise him are aware of this, why would they torture him about it so mercilessly?  Then as an adult, why on earth would he get a job at a toy store and furthermore, why on earth would he agree to be their resident mall Santa when the normal guy cannot make it?  How 'bout just telling your boss, "Um, I'd love to, but you see my parents were killed and raped by a lunatic in a Santa costume so I'm a little touchy about the whole St. Nicolas thing".  The film is pretty consistently in poor taste, which is a problem in that it also plays itself very seriously instead of leaning more on its camp appeal, which would have maybe lightened the nastiness.  Linnea Quigley runs around naked and there are several shots of Star Wars and Masters of the Universe merch on the shelves so that is something at least.

TERRORVISION
(1986)
Dir - Ted Nicolaou
Overall: WOOF

Made by the founding creative team behind the production company Full Moon Features, (including writer/director Ted Nicolaou, producers Albert and Charles Band, and composer Richard Band), TerrorVision could be one of the dumbest and least amusing horror comedies that you are hopefully never likely to see.  Deliberately schlocky and juvenile, it takes quite an in-your-face approach to its moronic, B-movie subject manner.  This would be tolerable if any and I do mean ANY of the jokes actually connected, but boy do they never.  Each character is more obnoxious than the next from the horny, gun-toting grandpa, to the horny guy fixing a satellite, to the horny mom and dad swingers, to the horny Cyndi Lauper-clad teenage daughter, to her horny "woah, gnarly bro" metalhead boyfriend, to the horny Greek gay dude, to the horny kid that no one believes when monsters start showing up.  There is even an Elvira stand-in with giant hooters who is about a million times less funny than Elvira ever was.  Complaining about the plot, dialog, or character motivation for a movie as braindead as this is probably unnecessary since its entire purpose is to be the antithesis of clever.  Trying too hard and failing even harder, it is definitely best not remembered.

80's American Horror Part Thirty-One

NIGHTMARE
(1981)
Dir - Romano Scavolini
Overall: WOOF

An overly pretentious trash film with amateur production qualities, Italian writer/director Romano Scavolini's Nightmare, (Nightmares In a Damaged Brain), became one of the most notorious video nasties of the early 80s.  It was the only film on the U.K.'s naughty list during its time of being enforced where the distributor was actually jailed, garnishing it a place in film history whether the movie's quality or lack-thereof is deserving of such a thing or not.  Further controversy exists as to whether or not the legendary Tom Savini was involved with the special effects, a claim that the director and others involved insist on but one that Savini himself has consistently denied.  Scavolini, (who comes from a hardcore pornography background), tries desperately to match his story ambitions about a schizophrenic mental patient with his meager budget, bad actors, bad script and an overabundance of sleaze and gore meant to convey something more psychologically profound than it can ever hope to.  The movie is just more of a mess than anything, bouncing between laughable incoherence, annoyance, and (lots of) boringness from scene to scene.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW
(1982)
Dir - Mark Rosman
Overall: MEH

Stacked up against the gallons of other slasher films to emerge in the early 80s, Mark Rosman's The House on Sorority Row, (House of Evil), is still mostly a hum-drum offering despite its small handful of divergent aspects.  From a gore perspective, it is relatively restrained, but packs a few memorable visuals when it indulges in such things, (a severed head in a toilet is of particular note).  It is shot rather well by prolific cinematographer Tim Suhrstedt, (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Office Space), and at least none of the characters are annoying stereotypes even if they are still a combination of horny, nerdy, noble, and bitchy college girls on paper.  It is by-the-books slasher nonsense everywhere else though.  Psyche-outs and red herrings, jump scares, victims practically with giant red targets on their faces when they are about to be killed, a masked bad guy who withstands bodily damage that would kill Hercules, a final girl, etc.  The usual problem with such films that are so derivative in style is that all moments of supposed tension-building are rendered boring and predictable.  Case in point here.  It is not as seedy or insulting as the title would suggest, but you are not likely to remember much of anything after finishing it either.  For what it is worth though, the band you never heard of 4 Out of 5 Doctors does make an appearance for extra, 80s power pop nostalgia.

MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE
(1986)
Dir - Stephen King
Overall: MEH

It was somewhat a wise move that Stephen King had the good sense to realize his short story "Trucks" about machinery coming to life and murdering people would probably work better as a comedy if brought to the big screen.  Now whether or not King has the directing or even screenwriting chops to make his lone effort behind the lens in Maximum Overdrive actually work as a comedy is another matter entirely.  Arguably the most infamous stain in King's entire career and one of the 80s "so bad it's...still bad" novelties, the world's most famous horror author was by his own admittance coked out of his mind while behind the lens.  The finished product easily supports this claim.  On the plus side, the movie is easy to laugh at with hilariously terrible dialog right out the gate, ("This machine just called me an asshole!"), goofy action set pieces, and a nonsensical plot every step of the way.  Unfortunately though, King's filmmaking inexperience also leads to frequent interruptions of stagnancy.  Basically, when people are not yelling profanities in bad southern accents at trucks that are trying to kill them, the movie becomes an embarrassing snooze.  That said, it ends up having a lot of people yelling profanities in bad southern accents at trucks that are trying to kill them anyway and AC/DC provided the soundtrack for some reason so all things considered, it could be a lot lamer.

80's American Horror Part Thirty

HELL NIGHT
(1981)
Dir - Tom DeSimone
Overall: MEH

While its heart is in the right place, the slasher goof fest Hell Night ultimately provides more snores than tongue-in-cheek, macabre chuckles.  Released at the turn of the 80s when there seemed to be more slasher movies being made than potatoes in Idaho, the script by Randy Feldman, (Tango & Cash), is as derivative as any of them.   Thankfully though, he and director Tom DeSimone, (Reform School Girls), had the good sense to not take the project all that seriously to begin with.  It is shamelessly horny and has a premise where fratboys and girls deliberately try and scare new inductees in a textbook creepy, allegedly haunted house.  They use recordings of screams, rigged doors, and ghostly projections and of course the house has an elaborately ghastly backstory to spook them.  The creative team and cast seem to be having fun with the material, but as far as the audience is concerned, that is a different story.  The problem is that the movie is cripplingly boring.  Every kill scene is set up in so obvious of a manner that we are simply waiting and waiting and waiting for moments of quietness where characters say things out loud like "Hey, is that you?" or "Hey quite fooling around?" to get interrupted by loud jump scares.  Linda Blair's performance is also honestly quite deserving of the Razzie she was nominated for, pour girl.  At least it is a movie that you can take a bathroom break several times during and still have no problem following the nothing going on in it.

THE KINDRED
(1987)
Dir - Jeffery Obrow/Stephen Carpenter
Overall: MEH

Too many cooks in the kitchen could be a theory as to why Jeffery Obrow and Stephen Carpenter's The Kindred is such a flawed offering.  Besides there being two directors and both of them having worked on the script as well, so did three more people on top of even that.  With five different individuals pen in hand then, the story itself is not so much a jumbled mess, but instead completely unengaging.  Something about doctors conducting experiments and the son of one of them having a literal monster brother, which is an easy enough concept to grasp but boy, what a lame one.  It does not help that the pacing is dreadful, which makes all attempts to flesh out the already mundane plot troublesome.  Performance wise, it is almost entirely actors that you have never heard of delivering poor dialog, save for a toupee-donning Rod Steiger of all people who is somewhat washed up and delivering poor dialog.  Same as the writing, how two heads in collaboration behind the lens were able to present such flat, often embarrassing results is quite disappointing.  There are some silly, gross-out special effects and nifty makeup that is a hoot, but a lot of arduous effort is needed to tolerate the D-rent presentation and all of the boring characters filling up screen time while nothing is happening.

VAMPIRE'S KISS
(1989)
Dir - Robert Bierman
Overall: GOOD

Perhaps the very first instance where Nicolas Cage went full Nicolas Cage, his performance in Vampire's Kiss is one of the most gleefully absurd in all of method acting history.  While the film was written by Joseph Minion while he was struggling with depression and his failing relationship with producer Barbara Zitwer, the end result here is less about any real world, potent, life-to-screen turmoil and instead becomes an utter showcase for Cage's off the rails overacting.  Put any other performer in the role and it would be a completely different movie and most likely, not nearly as entertaining of one.  By dominating the entire production with such eccentric behavior like doing a bizarre yuppy accent, leaping on furniture, gesturing his body and hands as if Bob Fossee is directing him, morphing his posture, comically widening his eyes, delivering dialog in cheap plastic vampire fangs, screaming the alphabet, screaming "I'm a vampire!" to anyone who will listen, trashing his apartment, and of course eating a live cockroach, anything else of possible importance happening in the film pretty much goes right out the window.  It is therefor difficult to tell if this is a wildly strange, dark comedy by intentional design or if Cage just brought the crazy so full-tilt that it is a wildly strange dark comedy simply because of his doing.  In either event, it is something to see alright.

80's American Horror Part Twenty-Nine

MOTHER'S DAY
(1980)
Dir - Charles Kaufman
Overall: MEH

The second film by Troma Entertainment, Mothers Day is certainly trashy and in vile, despicable taste, but at this early stage it is also far less ridiculously comedic and schlocky in tone.  Meant to be a satire of television violence, misguided parenting, and probably some other things by Troma founder and producer Lloyd Kaufman and his brother Charles behind the lens, it falls a bit short of providing any well-intended chuckles.  It is certainly high on unpleasantness and boredom though.  Truthfully, the movie could be a lot more nasty than it is as its indulgences in torture porn run a bit tame by contemporary standards, (this is a good thing), but since it is not that funny and is not winking hard enough at its audience, it spends a lot of time just meandering in its bush-league presentation.  That is until the final act where the victims turn on their tormentors and things like groins getting brutally hammered in and television sets getting slammed on heads become difficult not to find humor in.  At the same time though, the film gradually switches its tone and becomes a lot more dark which kind of further complicates matters as to how silly the whole thing was supposed to be in the first place.  Maybe it deserves a deeper dive into its themes which is odd since we are talking about a Troma movie here, but on the other hand, maybe it is just an amateurish mess of a film.

THE HIDDEN
(1987)
Dir - Jack Sholder
Overall: GOOD

This surprisingly solid, somewhat oddball sci-fi/horror/action hybrid from Jack Sholder, (Alone in the Dark, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge), and comedy screenwriter Jim Kouf, (credited as Bob Hunt here and on 1981's The Boogens), is the first yet only second weirdest project where Kyle MacLauchlan plays a young, eccentric FBI agent.  Right out of the gate, The Hidden has quite a fetching opening where a guy nonchalantly shoots up a bank and leads a high speed car chase in a Ferrari while headbanging to punk music and seeming genuinely pleased with himself for doing so.  Proper explanations come quite a bit later, but by that point the audience can make an educated guess as to what might be going down.  Moving at a steady enough pace to not bother with tightening up some loose logical gaps, (in typical, 80s action movie fashion), the script wisely maintains a borderline humorous edge which makes such moments successfully forgiving.  The tone changes may be a bit odd at times on account of the film's ambitions, but they're also regularly enjoyable.  As are appearances from Claudia Christian, Lin Shaye, and a not famous yet Danny Trejo for one line and about three seconds.

HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II
(1988)
Dir - Tony Randel
Overall: MEH

Round two in the Hellraiser series, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, is more poorly structured than its modest yet still over the top and schlocky predecessor though it bares those qualities as well unfortunately.  Giving up the directors chair, Clive Barker at least penned the story for Peter Atkins to write the screenplay from, though from here on out, his role in the franchise would grow increasingly minimal as he would usually just serve as a non-creative, executive producer if that.  Picking up where the last one finished and with its two main female cast members returning, one of the problems is that they are both underwritten.  The better stuff instead are the visions of the labyrinth-like, Cenobite hellworld which are expanded upon and impressively surreal.  The movie is also still deliciously gory for fans of skinless, ultra-bloody mayhem.  Outside of all the macabre window dressing though, its story is very weak and the camp value once again becomes inescapable with some half-baked performances and lame dialog.  With a still humble budget to work with and attempting the standard "go bigger" sequel approach, the film does occasionally come off as if its reach exceeds its grasp.  If one can forgive and/or find amusement in its inconsistencies while basking in the violence and diabolical weirdness though, it is an adequate second installment you can say.

80's American Horror Part Twenty-Eight

THE HAND
(1981)
Dir - Oliver Stone
Overall: MEH

Oliver Stone oddly enough in retrospect began his directing career with two horror films, The Hand being the second and to date last one he would ever make.  Based off of Marc Brandell's novel The Lizard's Tail, it also has contributions from Stan Winston, Barry Windsor-Smith, and James Horner with Michael Caine collecting a paycheck in the lead though doing as admirable a job as he is regularly accustomed to.  With all of the notable talent on hand, (har, har), no one would confuse the film for a masterpiece, but it is not a complete dud either.  Before spending the rest of his career with political conspiracies serving as his main muse, Stone, (who also wrote the script as usual), is in rare, straightforward, conventional thriller mode here.  Thankfully though, the screenplay and direction are still controlled and tight.  On paper, it is a bit of a frivolous premise, (comic book artist is haunted by his severed hand, sort of), but it is played consistently straight and spends way more time getting in the increasingly disturbed head of Caine's character than allowing for genre-pandering horror moments.  When "the hand" does show up though, Stone has a bit of a demanding time making it not come off kind of silly.  On that note, watch out for his cameo as a stumbling bum who falls into a pile of garbage while screaming at the title "thing".

MIDNIGHT
(1982)
Dir - John Russo
Overall: WOOF

The directorial debut by George A. Romero collaborator John Russo, Midnight is an atrociously amateurish trainwreck.  Based off of his own novel of the same name, every production aspect of the film sans Tom Savini's regularly competent make-up effects is embarrassingly wretched.  It really cannot be understated how truly, truly bad the performances are.  Even a veteran like Lawrence Tierney puts in a D-rent effort, but he comes off like peak Marlon Brando compared to the unprofessional actors who glaringly deliver every preposterous line of dialog in almost an insultingly cringe-worthy manner.  It does not help that Russo's script is inept and it is difficult to tell if the dialog is so horrendously awful because it was written that way or if the actors are so incredibly bad that it sounds improvised and therefor incompetent.  Behind the lens, Russo has absolutely zero chops as well.  The film looks as boring as it plays out; flat, dull, uneven, and tortuously slow.  There is even a schmaltzy soft rock theme song that shows up a handful of times that is as hilariously awkward as everything else happening on the screen.  By the time the movie finally, FINALLY gets to its last act and tries to go all torture-porn disturbing, it falls flat on its face and miraculously grows even more boring.  A hall of fame crud rock that is for damn sure.

THE CURSE
(1987)
Dir - David Keith
Overall: MEH

The second film adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space, (and differing wildly from the American International Pictures distributed, Boris Karloff-starred Die, Monster, Die! from twenty-two years prior), The Curse is a bit jumbly and uneven at best, borderline lousy at worst.  While Lovecraft's initial story was a bit more straightforward, this one bounces back between too many characters, none of which are that interesting and several of which are rather obnoxious.  Some technical mistakes like one of the actresses hilariously calling Wil Wheaton by his actual name instead of his character's name in one scene make it a bit amateurish, but maybe that is on account of this being the debut of actor turned director David Keith behind the lens.  The camp value gets turned up a bit high during the end once a Bible-quoting, shithead farmer and his hillbilly family start turning into green puss-drooling monsters, but the film does not embrace how goofy it comes across.  Instead, it tries to stay dark and atmospheric even as it grows more visually and narratively unfocused.  For what it is worth, the musical score from Italian composer Franco Micalizzi is quite good though, mixing typical 80s synths with twangy banjos.

80's American Horror Part Twenty-Seven

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW
(1981)
Dir - Frank De Felitta
Overall: GOOD

Probably one of the overall strongest made-for-television horror movies, Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a patiently slow, EC comics-esque tale of supernatural revenge and comeuppance.  Premiering on CBS in October of 1981, screenwriter J.D. Feigelson initially penned it with the idea that it would be a theatrical release, but the TV format thankfully does not hinder the end result at all.  That is so long as you do not mind the camera shying away from overt gore and fading to black at regular intervals for commercials.  Directed by author and fellow screenwriter Frank De Felitta, a tremendous amount of mileage is gotten out of its elementary premise.  As a statement about ignorance and fearful delusion turning men into villains, it is certainly on the nose, but the suspenseful, brooding presentation takes center stage above any overt preachiness.  The first act wastes no time in setting up who the bad guys are and what most likely is going to happen to them at the hands of the title "monster" so to speak.  Such predictability is not a drawback at all; on the contrary, it gives the movie a menacing edge as paranoia gradually overcomes those who wronged who they wronged.  The performances are solid top from to bottom, but the eerie set pieces that work their power more on suggestion than anything are the true highlights.

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH
(1986)
Dir - Richard W. Haines/Michael Herz/Lloyd Kaufman
Overall: MEH

This staple for Troma Entertainment which has spawned four sequels to date is as low-brow and moronic as any from the company.  Which is something they would certainly be most proud of.  Continuing the theme set by The Toxic Avenger with nuclear waste providing the source for gross, mutated shenanigans, Class of Nuke 'Em High, (Atomic High School), certainly fulfills its green puss quota and then some.  Monsters, boobs, drugs, gross-out gags, gore, and horndog nonsense ensue and for the most part it keeps the immature disgustingness flying at a breakneck pace.  Given the film's setting, on top of all the barf-out, infantile details, it also acts as a parody of high school comedies.  Think like a Rock 'n' Roll Highschool/The Warriors hybrid except with knowingly worse acting and dialog than either and in far, far more despicable taste.  The film is oozing, (literally), with a level of classless sleaze that may be ideally satisfying for some viewers and tortuously annoying for others.  In any event, Troma does loud, measly-budgeted trash as loud, measly-budgeted, and trashy as anyone and this is a textbook example to be sure.

CHILD'S PLAY
(1988)
Dir - Tom Holland
Overall: MEH

The first in the quite successful Chucky franchise, Child's Play might not be as strong as Tom Holland's fantastic debut Fright Night, but it certainly fairs better than his Stephen King adaptation Thinner at least.  Comparisons from the directors other horror works aside, he takes an unavoidably goofy premise yet balances the schlock value quite expertly and surprisingly.  While Brad Douriff could not underact if the life of himself and his loved ones depended on it, as the black magic meddling criminal-turned living Good Guy doll, he is rather ideally cast.  It is no wonder that he stuck around for the entire franchise until Mark Hamill took over in the 2019 remake.  While Chucky never genuinely comes off as scary and is more laughable than anything, it is all done in a knowing way which helps the movie avoid being embarrassingly misguided.  What is also a bit unexpected and lacking in all future installments, the doll is not given all too much screen time, but this may not exactly be to the film's benefit as there is no doubt for any viewer under any circumstances that Chucky is NOT behind all of the evilness.  So why under utilize him then?  Still, it is another example of an initial movie in a series being less over the top than the ones that would follow in its wake, if not altogether better depending on the camp value that one is more interested in.

80's American Horror Part Twenty-Six

THE FUNHOUSE
(1981)
Dir - Tobe Hooper
Overall: WOOF

After closing out the 70s with the Salem's Lot miniseries, Tobe Hooper returned to the dingy, hillbilly horror themes of his seminal The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and rather lackluster follow-up Eaten Alive with the even more abysmal The Funhouse, (Carnival of Terror).  The most paramount problem is that despite a few southern accents and some lunatic family loyalty rhetoric, all other semblance of the gritty, wildly unsettling guerilla-style horror displayed in Hooper's 1974 masterpiece are completely replaced by slasher-by-numbers nonsense.  While it could be seen as unfair to continuously compare all of the director's future work to what he accomplished with Chainsaw, it really becomes remarkable and rather sad how utterly far off the mark nearly all of his other films stem from what he helped revolutionize.  Here, unsympathetic, dipshit "teenagers" are horny and naked, a grunting, howling creep in a mask is after them, cat and mouse shenanigans ensue, the killers keep being dead then not being dead, the final girl is established from the very first scene, and it could not be more catastrophically boring if it tried.  The set up is way too long and the pay off way too little.  The amount of slasher films that adhered so strictly to this formula simply gets unforgivable after awhile and considering that this came out the same year about a billion others did, was followed by about a billion more, and Hooper was so blandly at the helm, it is just a regrettable snore through and through.

THE HITCHER
(1986)
Dir - Robert Harmon
Overall: MEH

If road horror was a thing, its quintessential poster boy would probably be The Hitcher.  Written by Eric Red, (Near Dark) and directed by Robert Harmon, (about forty-seven Jesse Stone movies with Tom Selleck), it has got an intense enough premise at least of a homicidal maniac consistently ruining a guy's day that  kicked him out of his car while hitchhiking.  Suspension of disbelief is stretched quite a bit beyond what is commonly excepted though.  While Rutger Hauer made a dandy career for himself playing villains and he is effortlessly sinister here, the way he manages to be ten steps ahead of C. Thomas Howell gets a bit silly after awhile, not to mention kind of annoying.  Then again, the movie would probably only be about twenty minutes otherwise and Howell was all about not getting a break in 1986 as that lovable, coming of age comedy Soul Man that aged ever so well also came out the same year.  The film switches from a tense thriller to a shoot em up, on the run action movie in its last act, but Harmon maintains a formidable pace the whole way through.  Regrettably, the improbable moments continue to mount up dramatically towards the finish line in a laughable way.  If it threw caution to the wind and was just a knowingly ridiculous 80s action movie, it might get away with such things, but the grim tone in effect actually works against itself in this setting.  The committed performances nearly save it, but it misses the mark in too many essential areas.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS
(1988)
Dir - Kevin S. Tenney
Overall: MEH

Night of the Cliche...I mean, Night of the Demons is one of the many thoroughly unapologetic 80s horror movies that not only plays to every beat it is expected to, but does so with a consistent nod and a wink towards its audience.  As the second feature from Kevin S. Tenney, (who has made a career for himself exclusively making B-grade, direct to video horror movies), this one has endured as well as any, spawning a few sequels and a remake; something that is just as predictable as anything in the actual movie.  With deliberately genre-pandering horror comedies, it works well when delivering on the necessary components for both camps.  While Night of the Demons is certainly gory and relentlessly stupid, it drops the ball with its detrimentally slow boil and hackneyed approach.  Fun stuff does start happening, but it starts happening past the halfway point.  Up until then we spend eons getting to know too many characters no one should ever get to know.  Right out of the gate, every male present is the most obnoxiously horny, pushing-thirty looking douchebage and for the most part the women are just as vapid if not more so, sans the clear, goody two shoes final girl and son of a preacher dude who is the only guy present that is not simply a terribly unfunny, wisecracking hard-on with clothes.  It plays its cards way too straight, becoming less of a parody and more of a groan-worthy laundry list of annoying and played out Evil Dead-inspired tropes.

80's American Horror Part Twenty-Five

FADE TO BLACK
(1980)
Dir - Vernon Zimmerman
Overall: MEH

With the concept in tow of a lonely, disturbed cinephile run amok, writer/director Vernon Zimmerman's Fade to Black does not quite reach its on paper potential.  The script kind of breezily moves along, playing itself rather seriously while failing to set up enough believably to make the elaborate kill scenes overcome their clumsiness.  Speaking of said scenes, how Dennis Christopher's Eric Binford manages to be too lazy to hold a job or not borrow money from his Aunt even when he does, yet at the same time has access to a wealth of costumes, makeup, and weapons to turn into his own version of Hollywood screen villains is left for the audience to frustratingly theorize.  It is also a problem that the entire film revolves around such an unlikable character in the first place and one that is never properly developed enough to garnish any sympathy for.  He is not the only one on screen with this issue though; everyone else is just as underwritten with Marilyn Monroe stand-in Linda Kerridge and Tim Thomerson as a police psychologist either being unnecessary to the plot or behaving in a nonchalantly irrational manner.  A small role by a fresh-faced, twenty-eight year old Mickey Rourke is worth taking note of though.

FIRESTARTER
(1984)
Dir - Mark L. Lester
Overall: MEH

Hot off of E.T. and a year before appearing in the far more enjoyable Cat's Eye, nine-year old Drew Barrymore got to be the lead in the Stephen King adaptation Firestarter.  While John Carpenter was initially on board to direct, after the financial disappointment that was The Thing, Universal replaced him with Mark L. Lester whose experience with horror was nil before coming on board here.  Whether or not Carpenter being behind the lens would have produced more memorable results is open to speculation, but the resulting film falls adequately in the mediocre range of ones based off of King's written works.  The ever reliable George C. Scott as a weird, diabolical ex-Vietnam vet with disturbing intentions towards Barrymore's character is a villainous highlight and Martin Sheen likewise does a competent job as a sleazy, experimental government agent.  The movie's rather mundane structure is what undoes it though.  Each act is kind of monotonous, (dad and daughter on the run, dad and daughter locked up by a secret society, dad and daughter trying to escape), and at regular intervals they are all just interrupted with Barrymore making serious faces and igniting things while her hair blows around wildly.  It is fun at spots, but nothing to excitedly recommend.

LADY IN WHITE
(1988)
Dir - Frank LaLoggia
Overall: MEH

There is a blundering of tone issues at play with Frank LaLoggia's Lady in White, his second of three directorial efforts, all of which where horror movies.  It is an ambitious enough script with racial injustice, supernatural shenanigans based off of the ghost legend of the title, 60's suburban, Normal Rockwell-esque nostalgia, slasher elements, and whimsical comedy all competing with each other for screen time.  Perhaps biting off more than he can chew then, LaLoggia does not quite balance all of these components successfully.  The horror moments are not that scary, the funny moments certainly not that funny, (many of which revolve around an elderly couple serving as eye-ball rolling Italian stereotypes), the twist not that twisty, and the often jubilant musical score keeps most of the proceedings in almost Disney-esque mode.  Sadly there are dated special effects which are heavily utilized, only becoming a problem really during the final, unconvincing looking set piece.  The performances are all around strong though, with eight year-old Lukas Haas and The Godfather's Alex Rocco being particularly good as father and son.  Trimming some of its length and omitting some sub-plots might have help, but it is a bit of a jumble as is.

80's American Horror Part Twenty-Four

CHILDREN OF THE CORN
(1984)
Dir - Fritz Kiersch
Overall: MEH

The most, (somewhat), inexplicably prosperous of any cinematic Stephen King franchise was the one that spawned after the initial 1984 version of Children of the Corn, based off the short story of the same name.  While King himself initially penned a screenplay, it was rejected by Hal Roach Studios for being too wordy and coming from King, this is quite the believable criticism.  The project was in turn sold to New World Pictures after George Goldsmith was hired to re-write it.  In any event, the resulting, low-budget affair is both sluggish and embarrassingly corny, (har, har).  The film's premise of a town besieged by fanatical, malevolent-entity-worshiping youths gives way to an awful lot of scenes with obnoxious child actors ranting ominous mumbo jumbo to each other.  It is also a case of a conventional plot structure being less fitting than a comparatively more experimental one.  Bouncing back and forth between the kids and the grownups, the mystery is not as engaging as if, say for instance, we never saw the children until the very end and the majority of the film was instead just the adults exploring the deserted, ultra-creepy Nebraska town with corn crucifixes scattered all over the place.  Then again that might also get a bit boring if it went on for too long.  Perhaps it is simply a case of being one of the many short King stories that does not really work when fleshed-out into a full-length film then.

SPOOKIES
(1986)
Dir - Eugenie Joseph/Thomas Doran/Brendan Faulkner
Overall: MEH

Despite its relative obscurity, Spookies has still garnished a reputation as one of the most laughably incomprehensible 80s horror movies ever produced.  An entire film titled Twisted Souls was initially shot, but quarrels between producers and financiers halted it from being completed in post production.  A year later and for no conceivable reason, additional footage was shot by a different director with different actors and a different story line to boot, at which point said footage was mixed with the Twisted Souls stuff to make for one absolute mess of a finished product.  One has to give up immediately as the disorienting editing starts right out of the gate, leaving the viewer no choice but to sit back and try and be entertained with the barrage of horror cliche nonsense that throws proper narrative structure recklessly to the wind.  Wildly uneven make-up and special effects, nonsensically tripe dialog, stereotypical, dipshit characters arguing with each other, venomously inept acting, fart zombies, and one illogical amusement park haunted house set piece after the other, yup its got all of that.  Some of it is amusing in a knowing way, some of it is awkward and boring, some of it is embarrassingly funny, and a whole lot of it is just embarrassing. 

ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK
(1988)
Dir - James Signorelli
Overall: MEH

After a few years of being a horror hostess for L.A.'s KCAL-TV station, Cassandra Peterson brought her Morticia Adams with giant hooters hybrid Elvira to the big screen in Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.  Written by Peterson along with Sam Egan and John Paragon, (Jambi from Pee-wee's Playhouse), and helmed by frequent Saturday Night Live director James Signorelli, it is your typical, feel-good, fish out of water comedy except with an endless stream of rawdy puns and boob jokes.  Taking anything in this movie remotely serious is a grievous error, but its relentless stupidity does get a bit much.  Considering that three people are credited with writing the screenplay, it is rather remarkable that it comes off as if it was penned in about five minutes by a single horny twelve year old.  While this is surely meant to be part of the charm, it is frequently about as funny as a baby seal with ass cancer as it tries a whole lot harder to be a whole lot funnier than that.  In the title role, Peterson is likeable yet tiring at times and a small handful of other familiar 80s character actors get to ham it up in the spirit befitting to the movie, most notably Ferris Bueller's Day Off's Edie McClurg as a stereotypical, uppity, gossipy, village council member.  Boobs are always hilarious though right guys?