Wednesday, December 30, 2020

2000's Foreign Horror Shorts

WARD 13

(2003)
Dir - Peter Cornwell
Overall: GOOD
 
The debut from Australian filmmaker Peter Cornwell, (The Haunting in Connecticut), Ward 13 is an amusing, dialog-less stop-motion nightmare that finds an unwilling patient trying to desperately escape the rather unwholesome hospital that he has found himself in after a car wreck.  The claymation is slightly crude, but it also benefits the movie's somewhat amusing tone; a tone which is enhanced by macabre things like disturbing looking medical instruments, a nurse in a Jason Voorhees mask, and one patient being turned into a Cthulhu monster.  There is also a nod to a Simpsons gag with a dog with two heads and a cloned sibling with two rear-ends.  Cornwell's direction is moody, funny, and rather suspenseful, unfolding more like a Looney Tunes cartoon than anything else.
 
GREEN VINYL
(2004)
Dir - Kleber Mendonça Filho
Overall: GOOD
 
This stylized, spooky short from Brazilian filmmaker Kleber Mendonça Filho was based off a Russian folktale called "Green Gloves", here modernized somewhat to Green Vinyl, (Vinil Verde).  Told over narration and still photographs, it follows a mysterious, fairytale like logic which is more curiously compelling due to the film's contemporary setting.  A central theme is eventually revealed of passing one's own fears and eccentricities down to your children and the very stark, singular presentation makes the journey to get there more mesmerizing and eerie than downright frightening.  Expertly moody and quite rewarding because of it, it is a unique and memorable quasi-supernatural short film to take proper notice of.
 
THE LOST SPIDER PIT SEQUENCE
(2005)
Dir - Peter Jackson
Overall: MEH
 
During the making of his own gargantuan-budgeted remake and for shits and giggles, Peter Jackson and his special effects team decided to recreate the alleged "lost" spider pit sequence in the original King Kong.  Splicing together footage from other films that used the same models and going off of artwork and a script that detailed the segment, the split-screen work is a bit rough, but otherwise it rather seamlessly fuses with the 1933 version.  Considering that the stop-motion, prehistoric monster bits from King Kong are arguably the most enduring besides the iconic Empire State Building finale, Jackson's work here is a nice, gruesome addition.  Still, it is primarily of interest to cinephiles and just a minor curiosity on its own.
 
THE TORCHBEARER
(2005)
Dir - Václav Švankmajer
Overall: GOOD
 
The third short from Václav Švankmajer, (son of filmmaker Jan Švankmajer), is an ambitious piece that took five years to make and combines medieval fantasy and steampunk motifs, quite memorably at that.  The Torchbearer, (Světlonoš), seems to detail the perpetual rise and fall of power as an unnamed soldier withstands the trials of a mysterious castle where female statues test his wits and determination.  The film is visually captivating, almost exclusively composed of stark reds, bone, marble, stone, and metal with grinding gears, backwards whispers, some beastly cries from rats and a dragon, and a very subdued musical score by Ondřej Ježek as its only audio accompaniments.  It stretches its length a bit at times, but otherwise it is an excellently moody, mystical, and impressive bit of stop-motion animation.

THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF MISTER HOLLOW
(2008)
Dir - Rodrigo Gudiño/Vincent Marcone
Overall: GOOD

This chilling and effective collaboration between Rue Morgue magazine founder/filmmaker Rodrigo Gudiño and web designer/illustrator/Johnny Hollow member Vincent Marcone, (the band of which also composed the eerie soundtrack), takes a very deep look at a single, old-timey photograph with quite a lot becoming more apparent therein.  The Facts in the Case of Mister Hollow, (which sounds like something Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft would write, no doubt intended as such), stretches its premise for an acceptable amount of time, revealing numerous, sinister details before abruptly ending with plenty of questions still left on the table.  Mysterious and clearly occult-themed in nature, it is quite creepy and intriguing.

ALMA
(2009)
Dir - Rodrigo Blaas
Overall: GOOD

The only non-television, directorial effort from Spanish Pixar animator Rodrigo Blaas, Alma is foreseeable yet still impressively done.  A dark fantasy film where the doomed title character innocently writes her name on a stonewall only to be then immediately captivated into a mysterious doll shop right across the street, the viewer is hip to the story's outcome rather quickly.  The beauty then may be in how Blaas makes the predictable narrative still enchanting to watch; the animation is very clean and efficiently rendered and its secretive setting could wield a slew of intriguing options if further expanded upon.  On that note, a full-length version of Alma is one of a handful of projects stuck in development hell that Guillermo del Toro has been attached to executive producing, so who knows if we will ever get any proper answers as to the secrets withheld here.

Monday, December 28, 2020

2000's British Horror Shorts

SPOILSBURY TOAST BOY
(2004-2005)
Dir - David Firth
Overall: GOOD

A series of three short animations from the comically disturbed mind of English animator and filmmaker David Firth, Spoilsbury Toast Boy is as wacked-out and hilarious as any of his other works. The segments play in reverse chronology, (probably?), but this hardly matters. The title character is essentially terrorized by a society of malevolent beetles who like to pretend that they are helpful to children, only to use them as slave labor to make toast for their giant beetle king. Either that or it is all a hallucination or some combination of the two. The haunting, ambient soundtrack and quite funny, distorted voices enhance many scenes that are equally unnerving yet laugh out loud strange.
 
RUBBER JOHNNY

(2005)
Dir - Chris Cunningham
Overall: GOOD
 
Another collaboration between avant-garde music video director Chris Cunningham and Aphex Twin, Rubber Johnny is a short film set to the song "Afx237 v.7" off of Aphex Twin's Drukqx album.  In it, a largely deformed boy/man confined, (or so it would seem), to a wheelchair spontaneously dances when his doctors and nurses are not yelling at him to stop.  It is also filmed in infrared and there is cocaine, a chihuahua, and indistinguishable "dialog" just to enhance the unnerving experience.  For those familiar with the filmmaker's work, it is disturbing and bizarre in Cunningham's textbook fashion.  It looks like what it is; something made by the same team that brought us the "Come to Daddy" music video.
 
CROOKED ROT

(2008)
Dir - David Firth
Overall: GOOD

More pure, nightmare fuel from David Firth, Crooked Rot is nothing more than creepy mannequin heads, creepy pig heads, creepy hands, and overall uncomfortableness for about four unflinching minutes.  All of which is the animators usual stock and trade and none of which is a bad thing.  The red curtain backdrop could be seen as a direct link to David Lynch, (whom Firth collaborated with on his comparatively weird, later short Flying Lotus Feat. David Lynch), and its disturbing qualities are not limited to its visuals; the indistinguishable, screamy dialog and squishy sound design are just as unforgivingly avant-garde.
 
DOG OF MAN
(2008)
Dir - David Firth
Overall: GOOD
 
The second short of five released in 2008 from David Firth, Dog of Man is a somewhat crudely animated, introspective one about loneliness where a man with no friends finds comfort via some grotesque means.  It is assuredly strange, with a dog speaking through a megaphone that emerges from its own mouth once a chord is plugged into its head, (whatever that is about), but this is probably the least weird detail herein.  The film's tone is ambiguous as it may seem oddly funny to some and, well, just plain odd to others.  There is an emotional undercurrent though that gives it some interesting context.  What that context is, who is to directly say, but that is certainly part of its curious appeal.
 
CURIOSITY
(2009)
Dir - Toby Spanton
Overall: MEH

A mediocre at best premise with a mediocre at best execution, Toby Spanton's debut Curiosity features future A-lister Emily Blunt as a typically stupid, female horror movie victim, but her illogical behavior is not exclusive nor the biggest offender.  Her significant other does the textbook, "You stay here and lock the door while I go outside to investigate something dangerous that's none of our business" move and the results are of course bad both from a narrative perspective and as a viewing experience.  It is so pedestrian that no tension is successfully built and though it is thankfully over almost as soon as it starts, the ending is quite abrupt and unsatisfying because of this.  Still, if it was stretched out to feature-length then the film would be even more unremarkable, so, count your blessings.

Saturday, December 26, 2020

2000's American Horror Shorts

DOOM HOUSE
(2003)
Dir - Kevin Bowen/Richard Kyanka
Overall: MEH

A rare "movie" from Richard Kyanka of Something Awful fame, Doom House is an intentionally no budget parody of bad horror films, itself far worse than anything it is overtly taking the piss out of.  Made up of relentlessly bad cinematography and continuity errors, it crams as many haunted house cliches as it can muster into its fifteen-minute running time.  While the overtly ridiculous nature is occasionally amusing, (anything trying this hard is bound to be worth a chuckle or two), sadly one of the bad movie tropes it also takes on is tedious pacing.  All the amateur-hour quirks beating you over the head withstanding, it still gets pretty boring pretty quick.  For something meant to be as deliberately dumb as humanly possible though, it certainly has that going for it so one cannot really complain with the results.
 
9
(2005)
Dir - Shane Acker
Overall: GOOD
 
The third short film by animator Shane Acker, (who had worked on The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King), 9 was impressive enough to be nominated for an Academy Award and garnish the interest of Tim Burton who produced the full-length version which was released four years later.  Several years in production itself during his stint at UCLA, 9 presents a dark yet cleverly designed post apocalyptic world where robotic cat/spider monsters seem to be hunting rag dolls for some undisclosed, soul-draining purpose.  In its roughly eleven minute running time here, it comes off as more of a teaser for the eventually made feature.  This gives it an ambiguous nature, though not one that suffers due to it.  The short works best as a visual showpiece for Acker, though the themes that it merely teases are intriguing enough to enhance its fantastical tone.
 
THE AMAZING SCREW-ON HEAD
(2006)
Dir - Mike Mignola
Overall: GOOD

A one-shot comic book adapted into a not-picked-up pilot for the Sci-Fi Channel, it is a shame that Hellboy creator Mike Mignola's The Amazing Screw-On Head never went anywhere further than this.  Scripted by Mignola and prolific television writer Bryan Fuller, (Hannibal, Heroes, American Gods, numerous Star Treks), and staring Patton Oswalt, Paul Giamatti, Molly Shannon, and David Hyde Pierce, it crams vampires, zombies, robots, demigod monsters, werewolves, an evil monkey, a hero dog, and, of course, Abraham Lincoln all into its brisk, twenty-two minute length.  There is enough backstory here to properly engage as a teaser and it is consistently hilarious, leisurely making fun of its ridiculous premise while simultaneously pretending to be a serious, multi-layered saga.  This might be all we'll get, but its minute, singular nature is the only complaint one can have with it.

THE HORRIBLY SLOW MURDERER WITH THE EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT WEAPON
(2008)
Dir - Richard Gale
Overall: GOOD
 
Kicking off a series of short films which inspired four sequels and one as yet to go into production feature length, The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon is a pretty amusing one-note gag.  Made by filmmaker Richard Gale, (who also narrates it in his best movie announcer voice), it is a ten minute long mock-trailer that drags out the ridiculous premise to a pretty well-executed degree.  Just when it becomes stagnant, the joke just keeps pushing further.  Once it promises to be over nine hours in length and claims to have been filmed over several years and multiple continents, (twenty-two days and only in California actually), the tie-in with how utterly horrible such a fate would be is rather convincingly conveyed.  Whether or not multiple, further entries were necessary is debatable, but as a one-off spoof, it is rather delightful.
 
SEBASTIAN'S VOODOO
(2008)
Dir - Jaoquin Baldwin
Overall: GOOD
 
This UCLA film project from Paraguay-born animator Jaoquin Baldwin is elementary in premise yet quite effective in execution.  A series of voodoo dolls awake to discover tthat they are all being suspended on hooks with a creepy, shirtless guy sticking needles in them until they become lifeless by getting pinned in the heart.  Baldwin and composer Nick Fevola manage to jointly create a tense atmosphere in so brief a running time and it is even a bit heartwarming, (no pun intended), in the final, heroic moments concerning our sympathetic and rather adorable doll friend.  It is then understandable that Disney came a-calling for Baldwin as Sebastian's Voodoo shows some solid skill in crafting something dark yet ultimately uplifting.

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

90's American Horror Part Twenty

THE FIRST POWER
(1990)
Dir - Robert Resinikoff
Overall: MEH
 
Certainly not a top-shelf entry into the occult/police detective hybrid genre, The First Power is also not a total waste of ninety-eight minutes, as close as it may come. The usual late 80s/early 90s action movie staples are present of police detectives getting away with behavior that would permanently make sure they never worked in law enforcement again, tough guy dialog front to back, and an absolutely comical car wreck sequence that Lou Diamond Phillips literally just stumbles out and walks away from.  On the horror cliche end of the spectrum, it takes pentagrams seriously, nuns and psychics speak in unnecessarily cryptic terms, and all supernatural powers are completely arbitrary depending on what the particular scene calls for.  It is a predictability fest every step of the way though with obvious foreshadowing, obvious psyche-outs, a forced romance, and one unmemorable, contrived scene after the other.  Naturally, villainous-faced Jeff Kober makes for a sufficient, demon-possessed bad guy and Bill Mosely shows up for a couple seconds if that is worth anything to anyone.  It is all harmlessly mundane, but mundane all the same.

SLEEPWALKERS
(1992)
Dir - Mick Garris
Overall: WOOF

The first film that Stephen King penned a screenplay for that was not based off of one of his pre-existing works, Sleepwalkers is a sure-fire trainwreck.  Directed by Mick Garris who has made a career of mostly B-grade, straight-to-video and/or made-for-TV horror movies, it at least introduces a typically intriguing premise from King about proto-vampire/werecat hybrids.  Things quickly crumble into absurdity though with atrociously random and ill-timed comic relief, "huh?" behavior from certain characters, cars blowing up with a single handgun blast, and inconsistent physical quips ranging from totally lame ones like knocking two guys heads together or just pushing someone to the ground, to much more schlocky ones like stabbing a cop in the back with an ear of corn or biting Ron Perlman's fingers off.  King's script is littered with a mix of plot holes, cliches, and conveniences which all assuredly affect the major tone issues at play.  When your title monsters have superhuman strength and can make cars disappear or change their make and model, yet a single house cat can scratch up their face and put them on their deathbed or set them on fire, good luck making anything else that happens not come off equally as silly.

FALLEN
(1998)
Dir - Gregory Hoblit
Overall: MEH

Mediocre yet acceptable from top to bottom, the supernatural thriller Fallen is as conventional as they come yet it gets by on a few saving graces.  Not surprisingly, the premise of a formless demon that can effortlessly jump bodies merely by brushing up against one goes a lot longer a way than the execution.  While there are a few moments where such a concept is sinisterly conveyed, (one where The Rolling Stones' "Time is On My Side" is turned into a sing along in a police station and a tense standoff near the end being chief among them), eventually everything gets bogged down by the evil antagonist toying with people for no other reason than to get the movie to the two hour mark.  Performance wise, it is strong though with a brief, typically unnerving appearance by Elias Koteas and particularly Denzel Washington in the lead who is just as typically stellar as always.  It gets a tad groan-worthy in its final moments, but the prolonged resistance to hamming it up from director Gregory Hoblit, (Primal Fear, Frequency), is admirable as it mostly benefits by its more dark, somewhat weighty nature.

Saturday, November 21, 2020

90's American Horror Part Nineteen

FLATLINERS
(1990)     
Dir - Joel Schumacher
Overall: GOOD
 
After taking a slight detour with the romantic comedy Cousins, Joel Schumacher's near-follow-up to his seminal vampire yarn The Lost Boys was the Brat Pack-esque, psychological horror film Flatliners.  Reunited with Keifer Sutherland once more in addition to Julia Roberts, Billy Baldwin, Kevin Bacon, and Oliver Platt, the cast is solid enough to elevate the at times flat, (har, har), material to a higher plane.  The script by Peter Filardi poses some interesting questions about life after death, but they end up being just questions as answers are bypassed in place of some very different concepts getting thrown into the mix about reckoning with one's dark, past grievances.  These details are a bit vague yet not so much in a detrimental way as Schumacher first and foremost maintains a vibrantly eerie tone even with the minor comedic jabs sprinkled in for good measure.  The ending is not the most satisfying in the world, but even with the last act not quite holding up to the first two, it is a memorable, evocative enough work for the duration.
 
BASKET CASE 3: THE PROGENY
(1992)
Dir - Frank Henenlotter
Overall: MEH
 
The third and last installment in Frank Henenlotter's increasingly absurd Basket Case series, Basket Case 3: The Progeny picks up right where the last one left off, even opening with said film's final moments just in case anyone watching may have inexplicably stumbled in uninitiated.  The practical effects budget seems to have been entirely blown on making the evil title twin look better than ever as no effort was made to even hide the seam-lines on the wigs and masks of the returning assortment of freaks.  This, the cartoon level, exaggerated performances, and the purposely moronic script, (this one co-authored by Fangoria editor Robert Martin), all go a long way in making this easily the least horror-tinged and most comedically-focused entry in the franchise.  Not that any of the other installment nor really any of Henenlotter's works prided themselves at all on anything less garish in nature or execution, but there is no denying that the lid has particularly flown off here.  The humor is so prominent yet the story so exasperatingly odd that many of the jokes are bound to miss their mark, but it is still a hoot by many measures.
 
APT PUPIL
(1998)
Dir - Bryan Singer
Overall: MEH
 
One of the rare Stephen King stories that qualifies as a horror entry without having any supernatural components, Apt Pupil doubly serves as Bryan Singer's follow-up to the crowd-pleasing The Usual Suspects from three years prior.  It had undergone production setbacks from within only a few years of being initially published as a novella in King's Different Seasons collection, finally getting green-lit after both Singer and Ian McKellen enthusiastically became involved.  While there are a few intense, well staged sequences and its subject matter is sufficiently skin-crawling, some fundamentals with the plotting itself inevitably bring it down a bit in its final act.  Up until that point, the audience can stay on board with an overly arrogant, morbidly curious highschooler taking advantage of an even less sympathetic Nazi war criminal, but eventually some eyeball-rolling coincidences stretch the plausibility factor a bit too thin to make the rather stagy finale deliver as well as it should.  The characters are not particularly fleshed-out enough to work either, though McKellen and fourteen year-old Brad Renfro give quite evenly matched performances as the disturbed, co-dependent teacher/student duo.

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

90's American Horror Part Eighteen

THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM
(1991)
Dir - Stuart Gordon
Overall: MEH
 
Director Stuart Gordon and frequent screenwriter collaborator Dennis Paoli's The Pit and the Pendulum, (The Inquisitor), is straightforward, witch trial horror that goes through the motions as many other films of its kind had before it.  The title of course comes from the famous Edgar Allan Poe story, one that has been adapted in name only to the screen numerous times throughout the decades.  The story here is interchangeable with any other set during the Spanish Inquisition, where terrified and innocent peasants were tortured with the kind of laughably disturbing "damned if they do, damned if they don't" logic.  Also, the main Inquisitor once again falls in love with one of these accused beauties which goes about as well as it does in any other such movie from the 70s that uses an identical plot devise.  Assuredly lacking in originality then, Gordon is a solid enough filmmaker to at least make such an excursion darkly entertaining.  Lance Henrikson is an efficiently hammy, one-note villain and familiar genre faces such as Mark Margolis, Jeffrey Combs, Tom Towles, Frances Bay, and even Oliver Reed in a sweaty cameo all do an equally admirable job.  It is by the books to a fault, but innocently so.

SAFE
(1995)
Dir - Todd Haynes
Overall: GOOD

Notable for featuring one of the first leading roles for Julianne Moore who delivers a delicate, transformative performance as a San Fernando homemaker who succumbs to multiple chemical sensitivity and its pseudo-science, New Age treatment program, Safe doubles as filmmaker Todd Haynes most chilling examination of psychological detachment.  One in a long line of films that takes dark inspiration from society's growing complacency and reliance on frivolous domestic concerns, it specifically looks at the emotional trauma that is suffered by those who struggle with their newfound ailment, even if it can be fairly described as detrimentally influenced by those who wish to "cure" it.  Haynes manages to stage everything with deliberate distance, avoiding closeups and putting the viewer in a fly-on-the-wall seat where we can only witness what is going on without being spoon-fed any direct answers as to what Moore's frail protagonist is truly suffering.  This emphasizes that the point is not what she is going through but how it is effecting her, turning her from one form of a sheepish existence into another where she has traded her clean and superficial housewife persona for one as a debilitated victim amongst a commune of others who both support and enable her.

THE RELIC
(1997)
Dir - Peter Hyams
Overall: MEH

This textbook reptilian/monster/nature horror movie from Peter Hyams was an adaptation of Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child's novel Relic, with the adjective "The" added to the cinematic version here presumably just to give the theatrical poster artists more letters to work with.  Besides the derivative and uncompelling narrative that is all too easy to tune-out of, another problem is one that was probably is the consistently dark cinematography which not only obscures the murderous, half CGI/half puppet creature, (party for the better as the digital effects are primitive and lousy), but also many, many other shots that are unnecessarily pitch-black.  The frenzied editing job is another typical feature coming from late 90s, sufficiently budgeted action films and it also goes a long way in making the movie just as frustrating to view as the "What the hell am I even looking at?" lack of lighting.  The cast is not bad, but they are also interchangeable as any character actor could have handled yelling the tough-guy dialog or screaming at the scary thing that are chasing them.  It is a mediocre effort all around; dark, loud, and wet with some explody-ness to keep its popcorn-munching nature in line.

Sunday, November 15, 2020

90's American Horror Part Seventeen

TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE
(1990)     
Dir - John Harrison
Overall: GOOD
 
Unofficially belonging in the Creepshow franchise as both Stephen King and George A. Romero were involved with either contributing stories or screenplays and itself based on the television series of the same name that Romero created, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie is a knowingly fun anthology outing that is more consistent than most.  Another connection to the Father of the Zombie Film is in director John Harrison who worked as either a composer or actor in Dawn of the Dead, Knightriders, and Day of the Dead.  Behind the lens here, Harrison maintains a lighthearted, generally amusing tone throughout every segment until the final "Lover's Vow" which is a modern, Western adaptation of the Yuki-onna legend in Lafcadio Hearn's collection Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things.  The consistently recognizable cast is fun, with a young Steve Busemi as a slimy graduate student and David Johansen as a slimy hit man being particularly hoot-worthy.  An adequate amount of gore and unpleasantness goes a long way too, with a cat crawling into a guys mouth and a young boy trying to delay being cooked in a conventional oven by a suburban witch being just two examples.
 
BRAINSCAN
(1994)
Dir -  John Flynn
Overall: MEH
 
Occasionally awkward and uneven, Rolling Thunder and Out for Justice director John Flynn's lone horror film Brainscan boasts a premise that can only exist because the 90s.  Well, even though it has a CD-ROM video game advertised in Fangoria that promises the ultimate experience in horror, a bunch of grunge and metal pops up on the soundtrack, and a flannel-clad, perpetually high looking Edward Furlong is the lead, it all still plays off the same tired, Satanic panic tropes of lonely, horny, adolescent boys being negatively influenced by monster movies and obnoxious music that had already been a cliche for a decade prior.  Also typical of the era, it has a ham-fisted villain non-cleverly called The Trickster who just as easily could have popped up in any untold number of increasingly ridiculous sequels, yet inexplicably never did.  While the tone suffers from clumsy humor at times and the story is anything but unpredictable, it offers up some innocent if disturbed fun.  The dated special effects are amusing, Frank Langella is uncharacteristically understated as an emotionally cold police detective, and everything wraps itself up nice and tiddy like.  It is certainly not anything to blow many minds with originality or by challenge its audience, but it is mild, likeable schlock all the same.

END OF DAYS
(1999)
Dir - Peter Hyams
Overall: MEH

As Arnold Schwarzenegger's would-be come-back from the movie that killed the Caped Crusader's franchise Batman & Robin, End of Days is a pretty abysmal effort front to back.  Several directors and actors were attached to the project at one point or another, (including Sam Raimi, Guillermo del Toro, Tom Cruise, Kate Winslet, and Liv Tyler), and apparently James Cameron had some sort of role in getting the director job to Peter Hyams, (2010: The Year We Make Contact, Timecop, Sudden Death, The Relic).  In any event, it is front loaded with mountains of both horror and action film cliches from every kind of antichrist-ushering, demonic apocalypse, broken down tough guy with a heart of gold, comedic sidekick-paired, save the girl movie that came before it.  For a Schwarzenegger vehicle, it is pretty low on one-liners and intended schlock, but it makes up for that with an all around pedestrian presentation and plenty of groan-worthy, unoriginal dialog to laugh at.  Because it is all played too seriously for its own good, unfortunately that means the future Governor of California's thespian shortcomings are more noticeable than usual and he is rather uncomfortably stiff here.  It is a pretty stupid, loud mess and easily one of the most forgettable films of its kind with so many cookie-cutter elements making up its DNA.

Thursday, November 12, 2020

90's British Horror Part Four

DARK WATERS
(1994)
Dir - Mariano Baino
Overall: GOOD

The curious entry Dark Waters, (Dead Waters), from Italian filmmaker Mariano Baino also serves as his to date only full-length movie.  As one of the first non-local films to be shot in the Ukraine after the collapse of the Soviet Union, it is equal parts unforgivingly baffling and macabre as well as cinematically clumsy at irregular intervals, creating an odd atmosphere in the process.  The pacing issues and perhaps unintentionally goofy moments are difficult to come to terms with since the movie also seems assuredly serious.  Music by Igor Clark and unearthly sound design which features indistinguishable growls and moans throughout, (as well as nearly incessant rain), generally go along memorably with a hodgepodge of nonsensical yet confidently evil visuals like gratuitously candlelit catacombs, blind, ancient looking nuns, people eating raw things, burn victims, creepy kids, disturbing paintings with album-cover worthy demons on them, bubbling gore, and almost everything on screen looking wet, cold, and on fire all at once.  Good luck trying to stay invested in the actual story, but with such a barrage of uniquely strange horror movie eye candy to gawk at, the film certainly leaves an impression.

THE HAUNTING OF HELEN WALKER
(1995)
Dir - Tom McLoughlin
Overall: MEH
 
Yet another retelling of Henry James' The Turn of the Screw, The Haunting of Helen Walker inescapably does not compare to the original, 1961, Jack Clayton film version The Innocents, but it is as mediocre as any other such adaptation.  Originally airing on CBS in December of 1995 and shot in England with a cast including Diana Rigg, Michael Gough, and Valerie Bertinelli in the lead, genre director Tom McLoughlin never gets it past the Lifetime movie presentation to create anything all that visually or otherwise remarkable.  While the seasoned adults are surely competent, a smirking performance from child actor Aled Roberts gets rather annoying even if he is playing a brat who is possessed by a creep.  As far as psychological horror goes, it forgoes creating a slow, brooding atmosphere sans a small handful of somewhat creepy set pieces and in place of that, some wordy exchanges rush the plot a bit to its finish line.  Speaking of a finish, the ending is laughably weak and one that is entirely due to characters reaching conclusions that they only could have reached because they read the script.  It is fine for what it is of course, but the pedestrian presentation as well as familiarity of the source material does not really go too far.

TALE OF THE MUMMY
(1998)
Dir -  Russell Mulcahy
Overall: MEH
 
A few months after Stephen Sommers' mega hit The Mummy dropped, prolific, Australian music video director Russell Mulcahy, (also of Highlander fame), delivered his own ode to Hammer monster movies with Tale of the Mummy.  Though it received a theatrical release and its production schedule could be seen as a mere coincidence, it nevertheless comes off as the lower-rent, straight-to-video mummy movie from that year.  The cast is mostly recognizable though hardly A-list, with brief appearances from Gerard Butler, Shelley Duvall, and Christopher Lee, all of whom appear for about a grand total of maybe six and a half minutes of screen time.  In any event, the schlock is laid on massively thick, with cliches in every scene, macho performances, frantic editing, and textbook early digital effects that are wretchedly embarrassing.  That said, the practical effects and set design are acceptable enough.  As far as the movie's title villain goes, there is not a more lame mummy in all of cinema history as most of his scenes simply revolve around dirty, CGI toilet paper whipping around and making people scream to death.  Eventually he does take on a conventional form, but by that point the ham-fisted presentation is laughable enough to undo, well, the whole movie.

Monday, November 9, 2020

90's British Horror Part Three

THE REFLECTING SKIN
(1990)
Dir - Philip Ridley
Overall: MEH

For his full-length debut, English artist/novelist/filmmaker Philip Ridley was inspired by American prairie lands, American Gothic artwork, American films, and American literature to make The Reflecting Skin.  Ironically shot in Alberta Canada then, it is a stylized piece of Americana cinema all the same and one that portrays some horrific elements through the imaginative eyes of a young boy while the sun shines brightly, the birds chirp, and the farmhouses are decorated in plain colors of yellow, brown, and white.  While moments in it are certainly bizarre and it follows a sort of childlike, nightmare logic at times, it is so lushly photographed and even whimsical in nature that it makes for a bit of a clashing experience.  The characters are not easily relatable and some are even downright off-putting, but the movie gets by on Ridley's somewhat eccentric vision or at least it tries to.  Ultimately, the story is not particularly engaging enough to work though, save for a few interesting ideas scattered about.
 
MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN
(1994)
Dir - Kenneth Branagh
Overall: MEH
 
Two years after Francis Ford Coppola artistically and commercial updated Dracula for the big screen, Shakespeare enthusiast Kenneth Branagh attempted the same thing with the other big, classic cinema monster in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.  While it is likewise far more faithful to its source material than virtually any other version before or since and goes for the same over the top, melodramatic flare that Coppola did, (at least on paper), Branagh misses the mark in a pretty consistent manner.  Cranked up to eleven, it is incessantly loud with hardly a solitary moment of subtlety.  For a two hour long movie, the story is bulldozed through in a typical, blockbuster-style, ADD manner.  Since it never stops to catch its breath then, instead it bombards the screen with Romantic era set pieces, grime and nastiness, things being both soaking wet and laughably combustible, dutch angles, rapid-fire editing, and characters overacting to the very best of their abilities, all of which are set to lush, dramatic music that never lets up.  Branagh does not show a quirky or even remotely avant-style; it is just a blaring, grandiose mess.  For straight-up monster movie fans though, Robert De Niro's turn as the creature and Helena Bonham Carter's briefly as his bride are relatively memorable and some of the artistic details can be seen as a nice addition to the Frankenstein mythos overall.

I, ZOMBIE: THE CHRONICLES OF PAIN
(1998)
Dir - Andrew Parkinson
Overall: MEH
 
Distributed by Fangoria Films and serving as the debut from writer/director/editor Andrew Parkinson, I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain is a simple yet ambitious walking corpse yarn.  Shot very primitively on 16 mm film which gives it a somewhat unfortunate SOV quality, it is not the most visually compelling movie in the world.  It does win points for its earnest attempt at being a far more tragic and thoughtful zombie film, one whose entire premise is exploring the slow, emotional as well as physical deterioration of its subject; an average Joe that is randomly bitten by a woman and then goes on to rot as he holds off his flesh-eating urges.  A unique idea on paper, but the execution is a bit dull beyond its poor look.  It is presented as a part documentary, but also one that is narrated by the main protagonist who is presumed missing by everyone the entire movie.  The concept is also a little TOO simple as it becomes predictably monotonous.  Ultimately, it is a rather depressing experience as well.  Probably better for zombies to turn as quickly as possible and then get a bullet in the head just as hastily than watch them mentally deteriorate and jerk off to their girlfriend.

Friday, November 6, 2020

90's Italian Horror Part Two

THE MASK OF SATAN
(1990)
Dir - Lamberto Bava
Overall: MEH

A quasi-remake of Mario Bava's seminal Black Sunday from his son Lamberto, The Mask of Satan, (La maschera del demonio, Demons 5, Demons V: The Devil's Veil, La Mascara del Satan), is a somewhat charming though ultimately mediocre retelling of its source material.  It was made for the European television series Sabbath, debuting in the summer of 1990 where it inevitably got lumped in with Lamberto's own Demons franchise, becoming one of the several non-official sequels in it.  Fusing the loose, Black Sunday concept of a condemned witch in an iron mask coming back to wreak her vengeance with a contemporary setting where dumb-dumb, horned-up, attractive characters get possessed and run around laughing a lot, it cruises along at a solid enough trot to not become too concerned with the humdrum script.  Despite some inconsistent character behavior and a comparative lack of gore, it is well decorated and has a consistent, mostly non-schlocky tone until about the last five minutes at least.  The story really is not dense enough to keep numerous moments from growing repetitive though, especially the third act where it tries to get more psychologically ambitious and clever.

THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER
(1991)
Dir - Michele Soavi
Overall: MEH
 
Another stylish collaboration between Dario Argento and Michele Soavi which acts rather as a Euro-Rosemary's Baby, The Devil's Daughter, (The Sect, La Setta), becomes inescapably messy, but has some charm to it nonetheless.  The story is not particularly strong, struggling as most Italian horror films do to maintain coherency while primarily being concerned with macabre set pieces that are often fun and ghastly, yet almost comically arbitrary as well.  In the lead, Kelly Curtis' performance is uneven as is the score by Pino Donaggio which gets a little too over the top at times.  That said, at least genre regular Herbert Lom delivers the creepy as a mysterious, hobo-esque Satan enthusiast.  Tone wise, Soavi plays it very serious, something which occasionally enhances the inherent bizarreness, particularly during a moment where a woman's face gets ripped off ceremoniously by hooks and then when Curtis is attacked sexually by a bird and forced to give birth in a pool surrounded by weird women egging her on.  Sadly though, the cumbersome running time and inadvertently laughable qualities do undermine its potential to actually be frightening, which it assuredly is not.  Interesting at times yes, but that is about it.

WAX MASK
(1997)
Dir - Sergio Stivaletti
Overall: GOOD
 
This quasi-remake of House of Wax doubles as a rare collaboration between Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci, indented as a directorial effort for the latter who ended up dying before shooting began.  Handed off to special effects artist Sergio Stivaletti to be behind the lens then with a story by Argento and a screenplay co-written by Fulci, Wax Mask, (M.D.C. - Maschera di cera), is a gory, fun, and sloppily plotted update of the standard, Italian-flavored variety.  Visually, Stivaletti's steampunk version of the horror classic has rusted medical equipment, brightly colored liquid bubbling in gigantic tubes, skeletal, Terminator-esque monsters, and elaborate needles and masks which seem old fashioned and futuristic all at once.  This all goes along with the usual ingredients of an ugly assistant, the secretly deformed mad genius, a dramatic soundtrack that plays incessantly and obnoxiously throughout, the dashing hero, women who cannot keep their boobs covered for very long, and a story that is as predictable as they come.  Its combination of mundane and inventive qualities somewhat cancel each other out, but it is briskly paced enough with just the right amount of schlock to comfortably please genre fans.

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

90's Italian Horror Part One

NIGHTMARE CONCERT: A CAT IN THE BRAIN

(1990)
Dir - Lucio Fulci
Overall: MEH

A thoroughly bizarre, late entry in Lucio Fulci's increasingly inconsistent filmography, Nightmare Concert: A Cat in the Brain, (Un gatto nel cervello (I volti del terrore)), finds the director not only appearing as himself, but also top billed for the first and only time in his career.  A meta-film which desperately cobbles together footage from some of Fulci's older works as well as those from various other filmmakers, the linking story and entire presentation is rather lame and uninteresting.  It is not just the sequences of previous movies included that give it an out of date feel, but the liberal use of zooms, piss-pour dubbing, and the giallo-flavored story line are anything but contemporary.  To the film's credit, the mix mash of footage is not as consistently jarring as it could have been, though solo shots of Fulci simply reacting to things that are taken from different movies while never sharing the same screen space with anything in them is still pretty ridiculous let alone incredibly monotonous.  It might be the easiest entry in Fulci's repertoire to tune out of while watching and sadly, a pretty embarrassing one to nearly go out on.
 
CEMETERY MAN
(1994)
Dir - Michele Soavi
Overall: GOOD
 
Director Michele Soavi's first attempt at comedy be it of the dark, off-kilter variety was this adaptation of Tiziano Sclavi’s novel Dellamorte Dellamore, here also given the English title Cemetery Man.  It is a bizarre mix of genres, some co-mingling more inconsistently than others.  As the title character whose aim with a handgun is uncannily accurate, Rupert Everett seems all at once perpetually horny, easily love-stricken, cynical, cut-off from reality, and self-loathing in his desperately lonely job as a graveyard caretaker who also "takes care" of its inhabitants.  Meaning inhabitants that routinely rise up as zombies for reasons the script spends literally zero time explaining.  While it is often wildly unorthodox and bordering on incoherence because of it, this also serves as a large part of the film's charm.  The absurdness is more subtle than overtly over the top, almost as if its messy lack of plotting is unintentional, though this is likely not the case.  Throw in tone issues and inconsistent character behavior and it all makes for quite a unique, avant-garde finished product that is certainly headscratching, yet also entertaining enough for the same reasons.

THE MYSTERIOUS ENCHANTER
(1996)
Dir - Pupi Avati
Overall: GOOD

A return to the horror genre and probably the best work in it form Italian filmmaker Pupi Avati, The Mysterious Enchanter, (L'arcano incantatore, Arcane Sorcerer), is a different beast than his more well-known giallos.  That said, it does bare similarities to The House with Laughing Windows from twenty years prior as it takes place in a remote location, focuses on a character that is employed by an excommunicated monsignor, and features a diabolical twist.  Plenty of other bizarre details are scattered about as well, though it is essentially a mood piece, with Avati, cinematographer Cesare Bastelli, and composer Pino Donaggio creating a menacing mood out of the large, run-down, candle-lit estate that is home to an enormous library presumably full of mysterious, supernatural enchanting volumes.  As far as most Euro-horror which it is in part a throwback to, the story is more streamlined if not still intentionally ambiguous.  There is no emphasis on outrageous set pieces or logic-defying silliness in other words; instead it is genuinely creepy and subdued, thankfully with no pacing lulls despite the small cast of characters and isolated setting.

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Night of the Living Dead

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
(1968)
Dir - George A. Romero
Overall: GREAT

Fifty-two years and some days ago, George A. Romero and a devoted collection of Pittsburgh natives all chipped in, (and without realizing it at the time), changed the horror film forever with Night of the Living Dead.  Is there anything left to say after all these decades later concerning possibly the most written about and critically examined movie that the genre ever produced?  It is cherished and beloved.  It is hugely influential.  It is culturally significant as much today as it was during the era of civil unrest and the Vietnam War in which it was produced.  It is one of the most inspiring and successful independent movies ever made.  Really, if you have not seen it by now, why would you even be reading this or be on a blog like this in the first place?

There are many aspects then to Romero's undead masterpiece, (and truly one of the best American movies of any kind to emerge from the 1960s), that make it remarkable.  Romero and his company The Latent Image was formed along with friends John Russo and Russell Streiner, both of whom appeared in the film.  As well as being the co-screenwriter on the finished product, Russo shows up as a random zombie; Streiner as Johnny aka the "They're Coming to Get You Barbara" guy.  Having tooled away making commercials and even Mister Rogers' Neighborhood shorts, they eventually acquired a 35 mm camera for the job of an elaborate, Fantastic Voyage spoof for Calgon soap.  With this new piece of fancy gear at their disposal, the crew got restless and wanted to attempt making an actual full-length movie with it.  They quickly abandoned an Ingmar Bergman-esque, introspective period drama called Whine of the Fawn which Romero had penned a script for and instead went with the more crowd pleasing genre of horror.
 
There can be no modern zombie culture without...soap!

A new production company called Image Ten was then formed with the Latent Image guys along with Karl Hardman, (Mr. Cooper), and Marilyn Eastman, (Helen Cooper).  After various other investors came on board, (many of whom also appeared in the finished film), a budget of a hundred and fourteen thousand dollars was eventually raised.  Small potatoes indeed to put a movie together, primarily with non actors and no legitimate studio backing.  It got made on sheer will power alone it seemed, with nearly everyone on screen also serving some other behind the scene duties to get the job done.
 
By the time that it was completed and shopped around for a distributor, everyone passed on it or if not, Romero passed on them for wanting the ending changed to something more conventionally uplifting.  Sticking to their guns and almost having wasted their time and resources with no one willing to get it shown in theaters, the Manhattan-based company Walter Read Organization finally agreed to distribute it, but again under a condition.  Thankfully, this one ended up being for the best as they wanted to change the more misleadingly schlocky title of Night of the Flesh Eaters to the comparatively more eerie Night of the Living Dead.  Of course in the process they also forgot to add a copyright indication to the new title on all of the prints, thus ensuring that the movie remained in the public domain until this day.  That is another story entirely though.
 
The less that's spoken about the 30th Anniversary abomination that only exists because any asshole can legally add their own footage to Night of the Living Dead, the better.

When finally unleashed upon an audience, the initial critical response was lukewarm since the film was pared with hokey B-movies for the drive-in crowd, as was common of such low-budget fare of the day.  Before too long and particularly due to the more positive recognition it received in Europe though, NOTLD was re-released back home and truly began making its undeniable mark and finding its audience in the process.
 
No hyperbole is necessary in considering it a legitimate game changer.  For the most part, the horror film up until this point had changed with the times as far as cultural interest, but they were still formulaic in their approach.  Whether dealing with Gothic literary and folklore tropes based around vampires, ghosts, werewolves, mummies, or man-made monsters, all the way to the more atomic age of the 50s and 60s where giant, behemoth-like creatures or Communist stand-in aliens from neighboring planets besieged the human race, nothing like what was show in Night of the Living Dead resembled anything of the sort.  Certainly the outcome of the film was far more desolate and bleak than any Godzilla or Universal monster movie had been.

Behold, true bleakness in its most cinematic of forms.

The "zombies" here are not referred to as such, only as "ghouls".  This was because the traditional film zombie was a resurrected body under mystical, voodoo hypnotism with some diabolical master pulling the strings.  In Romero's film, people inexplicably come back to life and even more inexplicably seek to CONSUME life by attacking and eating any living specimen that they can get their hands on.  The monsters in this case are regular, once normal people.  They are not under a curse, bitten by a supernatural being, existing ethereally between two worlds, sent from outer space, caused by radiation, or made in a lab; they are just the recently dead who no longer are going to stay that way.  There is a simplicity there that is unnerving.  Romero offers no explanation because none was necessary.  The void left by giving any such details to the audience is in turn far more frightening and concerning than anything that a screenplay could have divulged to us.

The fear of the unknown is a prominent component to most of the best horror stories out there and certainly to this one.  Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, (released six years prior), likewise presents its threat as a random occurrence, simply throwing its characters in the midst of unexplainable chaos for the duration of two hours.  Perhaps in both films, a Biblical parallel can be drawn.  Mankind has lost its humanity and as the equally brilliant sequel Dawn of the Dead would proclaim as a possible "answer", there is simply "no more room in hell".
 
Always room for fat juicy bugs though amiright?

Romero deliberately wanted to present his ghoul-outbreak from ground zero, yet he wastes no time in getting right to the good stuff as the industry executives would say.  The opening scene in an unassuming cemetery in broad daylight begins innocently enough, sans for the stock, scary music that signifies in a subtle yet assured way that something is already awry in what we are seeing.  Within minutes, that concerned feeling we already have is justified as a man randomly begins attacking the only two speaking characters we have thus far met.  One of them is presumably killed in an instant; so much for that guy being a main player.  This leaves Barbara who just in the minuscule amount of dialog that we are given, is already proven to be on-edge by being sensitive to her surroundings that once scared her as a kid.  Now the scary stuff is real; now it is unexplained.  It will remain that way for the rest of the movie.

The bulk of Night of the Living Dead takes place in an abandoned farmhouse, one that the crew were able to rent on the cheap as it was fit to be demolished soon afterwards.  This proves not to be a detriment since Romero even as a twenty-seven year old, first-time filmmaker was already primarily interested in presenting social commentary to go along with the horror.  It is an ideal location for such a thing.  With the utterly random realization that the dead are no longer going to stay dead let alone leave the living alone, there is also the realization that society itself will collapse along with it in such a claustrophobic environment no less.
 
In many ways, creepier than any haunted mansion would ever be.

The characters cooped up in that farmhouse are from all different walks of life; Barbara is an immediately traumatized, young attractive white woman, Ben is a strong-willed, practical oriented black man, Mr. Cooper is a scared, bald, stubborn suburban dad with an uneasy relationship with his frustrated and equally frightened wife, Tom and Judy are a young, optimistic couple from the country.  None of them are proven to be right or wrong in their actions.  Some may have more likable or benevolent qualities than others, but Romero and Russo's script wisely make them all flawed to some extent.  These characters are as textbook as anything else in the movie, meaning they are not textbook at all.  They are presented as real, unremarkable people who are caught in a very real, unexplained, and horrifically deadly scenario.  They mean well, but they also make that scenario worse and in the process, the dead keep on coming.

The film's relentless quality then is made more so by all the people on screen not being able to get along.  No matter what they agree on, disagree on, no matter what they do or refuse to do, the rules have changed and none of it matters.  It is a grim film in every respect though arguably, it is never more grim than in its final moments.
 
After enduring the night of the title only by frantically giving in to the one reality that he violently riled against Mr. Cooper about the whole film, (that the cellar really was the safest place to hide out), Ben emerges the next morning in a daze, yet still cautious.  The ghouls have dispersed.  The audience knows what Ben does not know though; that a militia of local good ole boys strapped to the gills with firearms and what would otherwise be drug-sniffing dogs are taking out all of the walking corpses that they can find, adding them "to the fire" as they do so.  We see what is coming and after the ordeal that we have just witnessed and then briefly feeling optimistic for Ben's future as the one character who is going to survive, it is even more visceral how that optimism is broken.  Especially for audiences of the time, their brains were wired not to expect the worst.  Ben's emergence from the cellar to a house full of no zombies clearly indicates that he is going to be OK and there is now some semblance of hope right?  Of course we know the answer to that and Romero and company had no intention of ending their tiny, "little engine that could", indie horror movie on any such buoyant note.

That combination look of "Oh shit" and "I've been up all goddamn night listening to dead people wanting to eat me".

As a piece of social commentary, Night of the Living Dead is viably potent.  Romero and Russo chose not to change any part of their script concerning Ben being an African American.  Actor Duane Jones was simply the best candidate for the part.  Much praise has been given to the movie and rightfully so over no mention at any time by any character as to the fact that Ben is black.  Once again, it does not matter.  In this universe, this earth-shattering, safety-shattering, conventional horror film shattering world, no one makes it out alive, their skin color be damned.  The only ones that are shown to have been spared becoming flesh-eating ghouls are the hillbilly "saviors" with riffles who do not even bother to make sure that Ben is not all dead and all messed up before they shoot him.  He is shot anyway and the film ends with the titles shown over disturbing still photographs of his body being dragged away and the rounding up of the undead continuing as just a new thing to be taken care of.  There is no emotion to these images.  They are instead presented matter of factly.
 
In 1968, the first ever televised war was the one in Vietnam.  Pictures from both that and the race riots in major metropolitan areas were being shown across the country.  The final, unapologetically relevant images at the end of the movie present this fictional world as a mere stones throw away from the actual one of the time.  On that note, to hell with the "of the time" nonsense.  In 2020, these images still hit home as they did at the end of the 1960s.  Much has changed, but clearly much remains the same.  War and racial inequality are still very much a thing and perhaps the only saving grace that Romero's landmark film leaves us with is that well, at least the dead have not come back to eat us alive.  Yet.

Another saving grace is that at least we know to shoot 'em in the head now.


There would be more Living Dead movies under Romero's direction in the decades to come.  One of them was on par with its predecessor here, one was flawed yet still damn enjoyable, and the last three, well, Romero is no longer with us so let us not speak ill of the actual dead.  In any event, Night of the Living Dead begat what is now the conventionally regarded film zombie.  What started as an intentional deviation from the previously established, cinematic walking corpse in turn came to define it.  This was a movie that made no apologies for its unforgiving finale and whose relatively crude production qualities, cinematography, and performances made it seem less like a popcorn-ready product and more like an unflinching glimpse into a disheartening world, as far as possible from the kind that Hollywood was frequently presenting.  It ushered in new possibilities for what the horror film could do and set an unreachable hallmark for regional filmmaking.
 
The American New Wave found its first poster boy for the horror genre here.  Just as unexpected as the actual goings on in the movie itself is how unexpected it was that such a film came out of Pittsburgh of all places by a Bronx native with a TV commercial background who scrapped up enough cash with his friends and eager local business men and women to make it.  It is one of the best and enduring examples of how the studio system can be avoided with the right film at the right time made by the right people with the right agenda and frame of mind.  Romero and his band of misfits may have innocently just wanted to make a horror movie because they could do it affordably and it would be a nice little bit of fun, but the perfect storm of ingenuity, conventional cinematic defiance, and luck paved the way for an entire new crop of filmmakers to break more rules.  Everything that came in its wake owes it a considerable amount of gratitude.  It will stand as a paramount work so long as humanity can crumble into a storm of flesh-eating chaos and so long as unsuspecting people just trying to visit a graveyard at a cemetery can get freaked out by that guy walking kind of strange towards them in the distance.

It is bad enough that they had a three hour drive back, now they gotta do it with a broken window.  Sigh.