2012 Horror Part Seven

ANTIVIRAL
Dir - Brandon Cronenberg
Overall: GOOD

Sometimes the apple does not fall very far from the tree.  Brandon Cronenberg is, (you guessed it), the spawn of none other than David Cronenberg: The Godfather of Body Horror and Brandon's own filmmaking debut Antiviral clearly proves that father and son are artistically tickled by very similar interests.  It is indeed difficult not to compare this movie to those of Cronenberg Senior and also a bit unfair to do so as Brandon is following in such large, lingering footsteps.  Yet simply acknowledging that Antiviral is a similar beast to Videodrome, eXistenZ, Crash, or Dead Ringers to name a few is enough so moving on from that, you can look at the movie on its own turf.  Brandon Cronenberg certainly cultivates a persistent mood here.  In fact, one could argue that it may even be TOO consistent as we watch a mumbling Caleb Landry Jones, (who is already naturally creepy to behold), be violently sick for nearly two hours in a dystopian setting where celebrity worship has been perverted beyond anything sexual and into something even more bleak and unsettling.  The concept is strong and though the execution may be a bit too relentlessly cold for some, it is an impressive outing that shows more than enough promise for future works.

GRABBERS
Dir - Jon Wright
Overall: GOOD

Big, dumb monster movies usually have a hard time standing out enough amongst the herd.  Which is what makes Irish filmmaker Jon Wright's sophomore full-length Grabbers all the more impressive.  It has a small coastal town getting besieged by an alien menace and two main characters who are nothing alike that initially despise each other only to of course find true love in each other's arms.  Yet it is that rare occasion where the premise has a hilarious enough twist and then actually delivers on it to kind of make the stock bits not an issue.  If the movie did not continue to bust out funny, exciting monster battle gags after it introduced that the best defense against it was for everyone to get pissed since alcohol seems to be deadly to said blood sucking, giant octopus things, then all would be for naught.  Even before it gets laugh out loud funny in its third act though, the small crop of characters are made both incredibly likeable and interesting with Wright cruising things along the whole way through.  It has got to be one of the better movies to playfully toy with the "working class Irish folk sure love to drink" stereotype and pitting it against squishy tentacled sea creatures ends up being quite the hoot.

JOHN DIES AT THE END
Dir - Don Coscarelli
Overall: GOOD

Dropping a Masters of Horror episode in between, Don Coscarelli's otherwise follow-up to the solid Bubba Ho-Tep is the ludicrous adaptation of David Wong's webserial-turned-novel John Dies at the End.  An almost tireless headtrip, it is recommendable to give up on following the incessant, arbitrary weirdness from the get-go and simply give into it instead.  Striving on pure imagination, Wong's story is not about coherence or really anything at all besides just having fun with as many insane, hallucinatory, time and dimension-bending shenanigans as possible.  The fact that the narrative is told primarily in flashbacks and that the title makes as much sense as anything else happening, (meaning none), is all part of the charm, playing further with the audience every step of the way.  Even the Troma-level, laughably bad green screen and CGI seems to be there on purpose and fits right at home with a hot dog cell phone, a naked totalitarian society wearing animal masks, alien bugs, an amputee ghost hand, and Paul Giamatti thinking he is black.  It is yet another example that when Coscarelli is not making his appallingly terrible Phantasm movies, he does some pretty damn good work.

2013 Horror Part Seven

WITCHING & BITCHING
Dir - Álex de la Iglesia
Overall: GOOD

An over the top, tour de force for Spanish filmmaker Álex de la Iglesia, (possibly his most over the top), Witching & Burning, (Las brujas de Zugarramurdi), piles on the ridiculous for a rather enjoyable end result.  The script by he and frequent collaborator Jorge Guerricaechevarría tosses even the most minimal amount of plausibility to the wind, but who needs believable characters or the laws of physics to be upheld when it is so much more fun to have them survive body-breaking damage or randomly fall in love with each other instead?  This is not even taking into account the wild witch mythology which climaxes with a hundred plus strong, break out in song and dance, human sacrificing, cannibalistic sabbat and a giant, naked ogre mama who stops around like King Kong.  Routinely hilarious, de la Iglesia has great delight in making all of his characters prattle on about how much of a pain in the ass the opposite sex is, a battle that fuels everything from a botched pawn shop heist to the aforementioned, unholy finale.  The film may be a bit too arbitrarily silly for some, but its goofy and gruesome indulgence is certainly intentional and expertly delivered.

A FIELD IN ENGLAND
Dir - Ben Wheatley
Overall: MEH

Overwrought with a disregard for coherence that borders on irritation, Ben Wheatley's A Field in England is a very pretentious and ultimately vacant experiment.  Scripted by Amy Jump, (who also edited the film with Wheatley), it bares many surface level hallmarks of black and white arthouse cinema including hallucinatory editing, slow motion shots that go on too long, people posing as paintings or something for no reason, and dialog that is barely comprehensible.  It does not help that the actor's accents are routinely too think for most people to probably discern, but the period-accurate words they are saying further baffles the experience, an experience that is surely meant to be baffling.  Wheatley seems to be ecstatic with the mystifying ideas that he is working with, hellbent on presenting them in as complex and surreal a fashion as possible.  Yet it lacks any emotional weight due to this presentation, making it a tiring chore to sit through.  It is just scene after scene of weird stuff and a perpetual, one-note feeling of confusion.  The film may look superb, but it also goes too far off the rails with nothing to say.

THE HOUSE AT THE END OF TIME
Dir - Alejandro Hidalgo
Overall: GOOD

The debut and to date only effort from writer/director Alejandro Hidalgo, (who also edited the movie), The House at the End of Time is an impressive offering, so much so that it has become the highest grossing horror film in Venezuelan history.  Admittingly, it is not without its faults as it regrettably succumbs to a large amount of incredibly obnoxious jump scares, each one derailing the engrossing story more than the last.  Besides this unfortunate, genre-pandering faux pas, the movie presents an ambitious narrative that fantastically delivers its twists in the most emotionally impactful way.  The performances could not be better from former Miss Venenzuala World Ruddy Rodriguez on down.  Hidalgo manages to both tie up every last loose end he introduces while at the same time letting his script work at its own challenging pace, bouncing between time frames effortlessly without any audience spoonfeeding.  It is actually all the more remarkable though in that the attempts at mounting, ghost movie terror are too derivative to be up to par yes, but it still ends up being a unique enough work to warrant recommendation.

2014 Horror Part Ten

DEAD SNOW: RED VS. DEAD
Dir - Tommy Wirkola
Overall: GOOD

The refreshing, (and most immediately noticeable), part about Tommy Wirkola's return to his Dead Snow franchise with the second installment Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead is that it goes full comedy.  There is no pussyfooting around with obnoxious jump scares or unnecessary "unequipped people holding off in a small building against the undead" cliches.  This one is all about being asinine and hilarious.  A number of laugh out loud moments are liberally utilized, such as not one but two CPR scenes, a woman getting abandoned in a wheel chair, mid-zombie pursuit, and a very preposterous sex scene.  The story understandably tries to one-up that of its predecessor since what is more ridiculous than having a bunch of Nazi zombies in the first place?  Having them fight a bunch of Russian zombies of course.  The same problems though are present as before, meaning a disregard for easily avoidable be they minor plot malfunctions and physics-defying details.  Characters walk around a frozen mountain landscape at night with no winter apparel on, the zombies are equipped with a tank but prefer to stare motionless at their prey for minutes on end without using it, they also surround and then attack two lone characters one at a time, and more dumb shit that is just in there since who cares, it is a stupid zombie movie.  Would it kill them, (pun intended), to put on a winter jacket for one scene though?

THE QUIET ONES
Dir - John Pogue
Overall: MEH

Following up the wildly unmemorable The Woman in Black remake, resurrected Hammer Film Productions' The Quiet Ones takes a semi-stab at the found footage sub-genre while still utilizing a throw-back approach to its look.  These can each be seen as two strikes against it right out of the gate, but surprisingly each element is used to ideal effect and actually make up the most interesting aspects about the movie overall.  It is pretty much everywhere else besides how grainy the 1974 setting looks and how plausible the idea of a cameraman capturing such supernatural occurrences on film is that the movie routinely fumbles.  First and certainly foremost, the jump scares are so absolutely rampant that the film seems to be intentionally trying to once and for all ruin said cliche.  How any audience member could be anything but completely annoyed by how often the soundtrack drops to pure silence if not a whisper, only to blow out your ear drums exactly where you know it will is anybody's guess.  The screenplay though which is credited to four people, (not a good sign), is sloppy and lame, once again featuring an old, stubborn asshole of a scientist this time losing his grant to take a bunch of young students with him to cure a possessed schizophrenic.  Also, seances, solving mysteries in a library, and who cares.

WOLFCOP
Dir - Lowell Dean
Overall: MEH

Another shameless, part-throwback horror comedy that goes the practical effects route and might as well be set in the 1980s, Canadian writer/director Lowell Dean's Wolfcop is meant to be loud, dumb, and bloody and that is exactly what it is.  The script is formidable and pits Satanic shapeshifters against werewolves, which is a nifty enough tweak to get behind.  As always, pretty much any make-up and prosthetic effects at this point look better than cartoony CGI or at the very least fit the B-movie approach here just fine.  Unfortunately though, the movie is not funny.  The dialog falls flat and is routinely even embarrassing, the over the top set pieces are more obnoxious than cute, and most of the performances are amateurish at best.  Dean is clearly trying his hardest to make a schlocky cult movie, but it kind of just goes through the motions of "fuck yeah/bad ass" scenes like pimping a cop car, ripping peoples faces off, starting a werewolf transformation with a dick pissing blood and going hairy, a sex scene that is supposed to be amusing since it crosses into bestiality sort of, and original songs on the soundtrack that reference exactly what the movie is about.  It is certainly harmless fun, but just lacking too much of the "fun" part despite its sincere intentions.

2015 Horror Part Eight

HIGH-RISE
Dir - Ben Wheatley
Overall: MEH

As far as bringing hopeless chaos to the screen, Ben Wheatley's adaptation of J. G. Ballard's 1975 novel High-Rise assuredly succeeds.  Comically and brutally portraying the increasing collapse of the British class structure represented by the residents in an ultra-modern and posh tower block, the movie opens with madness and only briefly lingers in a bit of normalcy before the focus is primarily right back to that madness.  While its themes may be crystal clear to those who have not even read the source material, the narrative itself is a bit impenetrable.  The entire ensemble cast adapts any level of hedonistic behavior, blurring the lines between all of them.  While this is no doubt intentional, it does make it difficult to follow everyone's motives and acceptance of the lunacy they envelop themselves in.  The film feels its length as well, growing monotonous as everything goes in circles with dystopia reigning.  An adequate representation of the book it certainly is, but as a viewing experience, it is more like a one-note foray into squalor and pandemonium that beats, (and eats), a dead horse a little too much.

THE BOY
Dir - Craig Macneill
Overall: MEH

Making your themes positively obvious and having your narrative crawl along are not each exclusively poor choices to utilize when it comes to movie making.  They both slightly get in the way of The Boy though, not the first or last film with such a generic title to be released not even within a year of each other.  This is the one with Rainn Wilson, hot dogs, and spaghetti.  The first solo feature from Craig William Macneill, (who collaborated with Alexei Kaleina on 2009's The Afterlight), The Boy is very much about child neglect and not really anything else.  It can also be said that the proper mood of monotony and boredom is conveyed.  The day to day toil of having nothing to do except clean the same unused motel rooms ad nauseum and collect road kill, young Jared Breeze's title character mutters to himself and gets immediately attached to the very few strangers that come passing through.  None of this ends up for the better of course and you can see where things are going almost from the instant the movie starts.  It is adequately made in some respects, but it  is also the kind of film where you can simply read the synopsis, save yourself a hundred and five minutes of actually watching it, and come away with basically the same experience.

THE LURE
Dir - Agnieszka Smoczyńska
Overall: GOOD

More of an interesting, stylized melding of genres and folklore than a powerful or even accessible story, Agnieszka Smoczyńska's feature-length debut The Lure, (Córki dancingu - Daughters of Dancing in Polish), is probably the only 1980s-set horror musical about mermaids that will ever be made.  The film could examine any number of things besides the obvious concept of how people are both fascinated and repulsed by emerging womanhood, but it could also just be a fun, often wildly inventive indulgence of song, dance, nudity, and gore.  Smoczyńska presents a large number of musical sequences, some shown as live performances in a nightclub where the context seems more down to earth, but most being burst into song sections where everyone on screen seems to compulsively be participating.  The passage of time is portrayed liberally and the mythology of the fishfolk is reduced to a few old wives tales, (most of which are proven to be true), being tossed around.  Even during its most somber moments, the emphasis is more on beauty than anything else, (both visually and in song), all of which just enhances The Lure's whimsical quality more and more.

2016 Horror Part Eight

I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER
Dir - Billy O'Brien
Overall: MEH

This adaptation of the Dan Wells novel of the same name, (which was the first in the John Wayne Cleaver series), suffers unfortunately from too extreme of a logical leap on the part of the audience.  Nearly all of the events that transpire in it are hinged upon the believably that a person would witness a wanted serial killer in action and then proceed to tell absolutely nobody about it, (least of all any authority figures, for months.  Granted it is established that said character is a diagnosed schizophrenic with an already existing fascination with murders, but he still seems horrified, concerned, and makes a number of attempts to stop him.  Sooooooo why exactly are you just quietly profiling him instead of turning him in?  Granted the serial killer in question is not "normal" in more ways than one, but it is still an aggravating nag that gets in the way.  The tone doe not really work either as more moments are awkward than darkly amusing as intended and most of it is played deadly serious.  Making the supernatural mythology of what is actually happening more of an afterthought than a primary focus does not really work since the main character we spend the entire movie with still comes off as underwritten in the end.  This just kind of leaves I Am Not a Serial Killer in a murky, conflicting state.

THE WAILING
Dir - Na Hong-jin
Overall: MEH

Quite a bold offering from South Korean writer/director Na Hong-jin, The Wailing, (Gokseong), gets a bit messy and not just from the amount of blood and filth that it routinely throws onto the screen.  Surpassing the two and a half hour mark, juggling tones somewhat clumsily at times, and very gradually shrouding its narrative in ambiguity, it leaves a lingering impression that is equal parts frustration and confusion as well as fascination over its construction.  The extensive running time is certainly felt with bothersome dialog involving practically every character not giving straight answers to any questions.  This brings a level of monotony to the proceedings where the plot stagnates instead of moving forward.  The fact that much of the earlier half is awkwardly comedic and even one scene near the end involving a battle with a zombie, (or something), comes off as slapsticky both make for a confusing clash against incredibly tense and heart-wrenching moments everywhere else.  It is not so much that the film is more problematic than successful, it is just that its issues are complex and make for an end product whose strangeness cannot be positively classified as intentional.

A CURE FOR WELLNESS
Dir - Gore Verbinski
Overall: MEH

Returning to horror after a decade and a half of several blockbusters, (including three in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise), Gore Verbinski's A Cure for Wellness is an over-long smorgasbord of various films that reference everything from classic mad scientist romps, to Roger Corman's Gothic works of the 60s, to The Marathon Man, to some of the elaborate visual design on Guillermo del Toro, to good ole despicable torture porn.  Even as the script revs up and gets more and more ambitious as it goes on, it is still a lot to take at a hundred and forty-six minutes.  As you could guess, the set-up is more intriguing than the pay off; a lot more in fact.  By the time the third act starts, the monotony of stumbling around a clearly diabolical wellness retreat whose mostly elderly and filthy rich residents cannot/will not leave is ultimately revealed to have been pointlessly dragged out.  It certainly does not help that the twists are predictable virtually the whole way through.  Since there keeps being lots of minutes left whenever the film tries to sway you, any tension evaporates as we grow tired of waiting for it all to actually wrap up.  It is a very common structure with a very common, underwhelming outcome, all of which you could admit at least looks sleek and fancy along the way.

2017 Horror Part Seven

LIFE
Dir - Daniel Espinosa
Overall: MEH

Taking zero gambles and borrowing its twists from either other notable films or just offering them up in a way that is alarmingly easy to spot, Life would appear too simple and stock for its own good.  On this note, perhaps it is.  The minute, somewhat A-list cast are given just the bare minimum of individual characteristics and Ryan Reynolds pretty much plays Ryan Reynolds as he always does, providing the movie with its only occasional chuckles.  These would-be funny bits clash with the rest of the tone which is either dower or intense, at least once the second act kicks into gear sufficiently enough.  Despite its blanket presentation and surprisingly vanilla-flavored script, (by Deadpool creative team Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick no less), Swedish director Daniel Espinosa handles the material as good as can be expected.  The monster attacks are intense, the pacing sturdy, and he even indulges in an opening seven-minute take that both lays out the surroundings and helps psychologically convey the proper level of claustrophobia.  It is not that all of the pieces do not work together since they generally do, but more that nearly every aspect could use a little more oomph to transcend it above the well-worn cinematic vehicles that it is openly channeling.  The argument can be made that it gets the job done just like a moderately-priced, convenient car would though.  So by that token, Life is certainly not a waste.  At least depending on what your expectations may be.

KUSO
Dir - Steven Ellison
Overall: WOOF

Theoretically, it is a good thing that anybody anywhere can make a movie about anything they want.  In reality though, the unleashing of something like Kuso would probably best serve as the equivalent to a war crime.  The directorial debut from producer/rapper/DJ/musician Flying Lotus, (Steve Ellison who just goes under the name Steve here), attempts and succeeds at being the most disgusting movie ever made.  The sheer lengths that Ellison and his creative team, (which also includes David Firth and Zack Fox), go to in not letting a single minute go by without puss, feces, flatulence, seminal fluid and all levels of bodily repugnance bombard the screen brings the movie to A Serbian Film-level obnoxiousness.  It is a "victory" in that the entire purpose is nothing more than to one-up any gross-out cinema that has ever been made.  Yet the victory itself must be questioned since what is the goddamn point at being so sufficient making something so insufferable?  To stomach the entire thing is a feat in and of itself and it is entirely acceptable afterwards to despise both yourself and the people who made it for having made you suffer through such vomit-inducing bullshit.

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN'S CURSE
Dir - Lukas Feigelfeld
Overall: MEH

Made as a graduation project for film school with the help of a crowdfunding campaign and therefor serving as the debut from Lukas Feigelfeld, Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse is a seriously lackadaisical snore that should by all accounts work far better.  On the one hand, it is imaginative in how Feigelfeld was able to research 15th century paganism, concocting something with a number of highly peculiar set pieces that are thoroughly unpleasant for the most part.  The droning, subdued music by the ambient group MMMD sets a very unnerving tone and when the cinematography is not too dark to penetrate, it is utterly gorgeous even when disgusting things are being portrayed.  Yet the film is impossibly slow, almost unwatchable even.  By only hinting at having a story as opposed to actually having one and lingering painstakingly on every shot, the movie loses you repeatedly along the way.  The moments of unsettling strangeness simply cannot make their proper impact when the pacing around them is so detrimentally sluggish.  It is a significant shame that the passive execution makes it too challenging for its own good since otherwise it possesses such ominous potential to be truly memorable.

2017 Horror Part Six

THE HERETICS
Dir - Chad Archibald
Overall: WOOF

Sometimes a movie comes along with no redeemable qualities.  It can certainly be as common in horror as it can anywhere else and The Heretics from Canadian genre filmmaker Chad Archibald does in fact staunchly adhere to having no redeemable qualities.  From the opening nightmare sequence to the final, pathetic psyche-out ending, it is a non-stop barrage of appalling cliches, appalling dialog, appalling acting, and a script that could have feasibly been written by a six year old who thought weirdos with robes and masks were scary, simply filling in the blanks with pick your horror movie trope in between that one-note premise.  The presentation of all of this lazy, uninspired nonsense never stops being annoying.  Hallucinations or something are all arbitrary, no one's behavior is remotely believable, the horror movie 101 musical score only pauses for boo scares, and you get the idea.  Despite how horribly lazy all of this sounds, it is really only a problem that the movie takes itself so seriously instead of just utilizing its ridiculously tired ingredients to either go full schlock or just make fun of itself along the way.  The Heretics does no such thing and just insultingly bores you instead.  Enough of this shit, please.

THELMA
Dir - Joachim Trier
Overall: MEH

Mindfully enigmatic and frequently beautiful, Thelma is the first effort from Norwegian filmmaker Joachim Trier that mildly dances with elements of horror.  It does not really come all that close though to qualify, which is great in that it is positively unnecessary to dwell in any cliches for the mere sake of doing so.  For a film that deals with repression and the trauma caused by detrimentally draconian parenting, Thelma seems rather straightforward on surface level.  The title character's mom and dad are strict Christians, spy on her school activities and social media account, freak out when she does not answer their persistent cell phone check ins, and the dad in particular seems to have a zero tolerance for even the most minute intellectual thought she might bring to the table.  How this all seems to effect her is manifested rather troublingly, but it also unfortunately leaves a few too many rather irrational questions dangling.  The supernatural elements seem lazily handled and properly understanding the parent's behavior gets kind of bypassed to instead almost exclusively focus on the film being an emotionally impactful experience.  It offers a lot to appreciate, but still falls short of being a complete success.

THE SHAPE OF WATER
Dir - Guillermo del Toro
Overall: GREAT

Back on top after the creative, hugely lackluster supernatural slump that was Crimson Peak, The Shape of Water is more Guillermo del Toro's romantic love letter to a specific horror film than a horror film itself.  Essentially re-writing The Creature from the Black Lagoon as a proper romance between two isolated characters, del Toro plays to his strengths in once again bringing a dark fairytale to vivid, often bloody and adult-oriented life while breathing in all of the emotional hues that his best work always offers.  Set during the Cold War and unflinchingly showing the dismissive treatment of the disenfranchised amongst other things, the backdrop is ideal for a rather classic story about how those in power can be bullying towards what they do not understand.  Meanwhile, those who are more unassuming and benevolent can truly blossom in the face of something so mystical.  Thankfully, another hallmark of del Toro's work which is the stylized, grandiose, visual flair he brings to the table is also on display.  Fitting the Gill-man admiration, the movie is seeped in numerous shades of green and even indulges itself in a lone, black and white musical segment that would seem distractingly out of place in a lesser filmmaker's hands.  Yet really, this is a rather singular work that is all del Toro's vision from frame one to frame last.  Thankfully so mind you.

2017 Neill Blomkamp Shorts

RAKKA
Overall: GOOD

The first release from South African filmmaker Neill Blomkamp's Oats Studios is Rakka; a post-apocalyptic, alien takeover sci-fi vehicle randomly staring Sigourney Weaver.  Set up to make short films for potential expansion into feature length ones or a full series, Oats dropped its first batch in the summer of 2017.  This one seems notably akin to Bloomkamp's District 9 with the whole humans vs. aliens concept, even if this time the aliens are very clearly coming up on top and look like snakemen instead of bugmen.  More of a teaser or introduction for any growing number of spin-off ideas than any kind of well-rounded story, Rakka does not bring anything unique or wheel-changing to the table, but it is nevertheless well done with adequate CGI in pretty much every shot and a nice, gritty war-ravaged look.

FIREBASE
Overall: MEH

Structured almost identically to Oats Studios' first release Rakka, Firebase is another extended trailer where badass soldiers walk in slow motion and square off against an unknown, CGI-designed foe while the soundtrack swells and builds dramatically without a single break.  Naturally, the premise is slightly different of course; as opposed to hostile aliens formulating the earth with militant force, something that could be alien, interdimensional, or just balls out supernatural seemingly sprouts into existence here during the Vietnam War.  Then gritty, grimacing soldiers want to fuck it up because action movies are cool.  Once again, the film looks fantastic and Neil Blomkamp's style of fusing faux-documentary footage with convincing on-location shooting creates the right atmosphere, but the dialog, line-readings, and entire presentation really are too derivative of so much that we have seen before, including Blomkamp's own work which could perhaps afford to stretch out a bit farther from his obvious comfort zone.

ZYGOTE
Overall: GOOD

Technically the fifth installment in the first volume of Neil Blomkamp's Oats Studios projects, Zygote is the first one that is either not essentially a comedy sketch or styled as an extended trailer for an alien war film.  While it still certainly fits right at home with both Rakka and Firebase by having some sort of combat team, (or what is left of one), doing desperate battle with a monster/alien thing, it is more simple, linear, and stripped down with only two characters on screen essentially making a run for it.  In that regard, this is easily the most horror movie-esque out of this batch, not at all squandered by the fact that the monster is genuinely horrifying both to behold and listen to.  Wisely, Blomkamp keeps it comparatively more in the shadows, thus hiding its CGI nature even though it still moves too smoothly to appear completely convincing, as is common.  The actual plot is barely decipherable due to Jose Pablo Cantillo's mumbled enunciation, (Dakota Fanning says about three words and just looks scared), but for a heart-racing chase sequence which is practically all that it is designed as, job well done.

2018 Horror Part Three

APOSTLE
Dir - Gareth Evans
Overall: MEH

Primarily known for some renowned Indonesian action films, Garth Evans builds on his stellar "Safe Haven" segment in V/H/S/2 with Apostle by expanding the concept of a weird cult that does stuff.  The result though is a mess of incoherence with poor character development and some overacting on the side.  There is a slew of would-be interesting ideas here involving the mythology of Evans' bizarre, goddess-worshiping pilgrims or at least there would be if it was fleshed-out more.  A whole lot of incredibly gruesome trouble befalls a number of these people and it is unclear as to what exactly is motivating them.  Why are they blindly following who they are, then not blindly following who they are, why is their goddess held captive yet also seen wandering around, why are they still quoting the bible, why is one guy a cartoonishly over the top villain all of a sudden, wait now he is going to shoot someone, no wait now he is not, no wait now he is, no wait something or someone is going to save someone in the nick of time, and so on and so on.  Even the main protagonist gets pushed to the side for more under-explored subplots.  More questions are left floating than answers and it could be a simple, (or not so simple), case of Evans biting off more than he can chew.  With all of the chaotic plot points as well as somewhat trendy horror quirks on the soundtrack and pushing a little too close into torture porn territory at times, Apostle does not really get it together.

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT
Dir - Lars von Trier
Overall: GOOD

At this point in his endlessly polarizing career, it is a safe assumption that Lars von Trier is gleefully fucking with people.  If one was a betting man, you could surmise that his latest nihilistic musing The House That Jack Built is a deliberate comedy, not least of all because it is revealed to be taking place in the same universe as Dante Alighieri's The Divine Comedy itself.  It is actually surprising that it took von Trier this long to make a movie about a full-blown serial killer as venting about how meaningless human life is through such a perfectly narcissistic main character of the like seems to be the kind of movie von Trier should have always been making.  Since the subject matter is so bleak and comically fitting for the director, he has fun annoying the audience with long passages of philosophizing as well as the typical, nasty acts of passionless violence.  It is as much a parody of von Trier films as anything else.  Since it is also comparatively less ridiculous than his last trilogy of miserableness and more in on its own joke than ever before, if you were to sample a von Trier movie in an attempt to understand the filmmaker's stubborn, obnoxious, and cold take on humanity, this would probably be the least uncomfortable offering.

OVERLORD
Dir - Julius Avery
Overall: MEH

This is something that does not even sound that interesting on paper or at least that "original".  Then again though, what is these days?  Overlord is an action-horror film set right before D-Day where the Nazis are the bad guys of course, there is a tough female character, a no bullshit hard-ass, a wise-cracker to provide comic relief, a cartoonishly simple villain, and a wimpish hero who serves as the film's emotional compass.  There is also obnoxiously loud, bangy, and moist sound design, some jumps and plot turns a blind person could see coming, awful cinematography that is pitch black more often than not, poor CGI, and jerky editing.  So in other words, everything one would expect from a well-budgeted, J.J. Abrams produced action movie.  As far as the good aspects go, Wyatt Russell does an amusing and accurate impression of his famous action hero dad, there are some OK practical effects, two impressive and well orchestrated single takes, and a Nazi gets tortured by 'Merica which is always nice.  To say this is formulaic would be a moot point since who gives a shit really plus, explosions!  It sure does tread awful safe waters though, but if you want something noisy and bloody that you can check your phone while watching and not miss a solitary, predictable beat, Overlord will adequately suffice.

2018 Horror Part Two

MANDY
Dir - Panos Casmatos
Overall: GOOD

The second effort from Italian-born/Greek/Canadian filmmaker Panos Cosmatos, (son of director Geore P. Cosmatos), Mandy is about as singular as they come, for better or worse.  It may be complete style over substance as the movie is so arcane that deciphering any profound meaning held within is probably a futile undertaking.  Yet Cosmatos sure as shit knows how to concoct a certifiable head trip that is downright spellbinding to look at.  Practically every shot of the film is a melding of cosmic fantasy and retro, backwoods grime and beauty, all of which is presented in the most cinematically spectacular, anamorphic fashion.  The soundtrack is likewise ceaselessly fascinating.  Even as characters are mumbling, whispering, or so purposely distorted to not even be uttering human words, it is a cacophony of visually and sonically unique elements through and through.  Utilizing the powers of Nicolas Cage for absolute, ideal effect, the now iconically gonzo actor gets to do what he is best suited for, screaming, breaking down, and doing some random ninja moves, one-liners, and drugs to heighten the Nicolas Cage-ness.  For bizarre, deliberately paced, and highly challenging art house fare that is also wickedly violent and possibly all-along vacant, Mandy assuredly fits the bill.

WILDLING
Dir - Fritz Böhm
Overall: MEH

The debut from German-born writer/director Fritz Böhm has some earnest performances and visually striking moments, but it is poorly put together in an alarming way.  Wildling is set up in a very fairytale manner with a premise that is not altogether interesting, but also not altogether bad.  Nearly every plot point though is downright absurd and the rushed editing hugely hinders any potential logic that could be had.  At its core, this is a familiar story where animalistic qualities are attributed to blossoming womanhood, but it does not survive on these themes nor suspend the viewer's disbelief when the characters are barely written and the plot holes are borderline incessant.  Most of this revolves around Brad Dourif's character who is a mess.  Being part of said wildling hunting squad, he decides to raise one in secret, then decides to shoot himself instead of the wildling that he has sworn to kill, then survives and gets another chance to kill said wildling, then yells at a guy who let her escape when he raised her into adolescence in the first place, then hunts said wildling some more, then instead of killing it AGAIN when he has yet ANOTHER chance, he tries to take its baby out to raise one AGAIN.  There is no deep dive given to the werewolf-esque mythos in the first place which in and of itself is fine, but the history of law enforcement and townspeople hunting them seems unnecessarily vague as does a number of other details.  Too many details really.

ANNIHILATION
Dir - Alex Garland
Overall: GOOD

More inspired by Jeff VanderMeer's first novel in his Southern Reach Trilogy than being a straight adaption of it, screenwriter/director Alex Garland's Annihilation is a bold and ambitious film that owes a lingering debt to many other landmark science fiction dramas that came before it.  Every movie that deals with making contact with an alien presence and how it shapes humanity can be directly traced back to 2001: A Space Odyssey, but Annihilation is also strikingly similar to Andrei Tarkovsky's Solaris and Stalker as well as Lovecraftian themes of succumbing to madness.  The film also dips its toes into body horror and has some rather heart-racing, monstery moments as well, but it sidesteps any pandering genre conventions rather efficiently.  Judging by the entire cast being a bit aloof and calm about the fantastical scenario that they are presented with, the tone is very interestingly tranquil as if the biologically-morphing spell brought on by the otherworldly aura has seeped into everyone's psyche as well.  Despite some very cartoony CGI creatures here or there, it is visually complimentary to its own hypnotizing nature.  By dealing with loss, guilt, and inevitability, it offers up virtually no answers and leaves the viewer with an exhausted acceptance of the unknown, just as the characters seem to possess at film's end. 

2019 Horror Part Three

THE HOLE IN THE GROUND
Dir - Lee Cronin
Overall: MEH

Adhering to a large number of generic checkmarks, (too many in fact), the full-length debut from Dublin-born filmmaker Lee Cronin The Hole in the Ground is another where a single mother and her quiet son move into a huge, isolated house in a small town, a doctor prescribes sleeping pills, the kid starts acting weird, the mother is made to look crazy, and then other stuff.  It even opens with swelling noises on the soundtrack over the production and distribution credits before it goes black and reaches its crescendo.  Then the movie begins proper, followed of course by a psyche-out car accident and a creepy person standing in the middle of the road in a robe.  Some may argue that Cronin uses such a very safe, contemporary horror movie structure in a sufficient manner that benefits the story, but the story is as tripe as the rest of it.  The lack of originality in the premise is enough to sink the sufficient atmosphere, consistent tone, and solid performances unfortunately and the only really interesting narrative element is that very hole referenced in the title which provides a decent, ambiguous supernatural foothold.  Elsewhere, we have been to this rodeo many, many times before, especially as of late.

BRIGHTBURN
Dir - David Yarovesky
Overall: MEH

The James Gunn-produced project Brightburn is one of the many that boasts an interesting premise on paper, but fails to bring its warped concept to life in a consistently successful manner.  Written by Gunn's brothers Brian and Mark and directed by David Yarovesky, (2014's The Hive), it is a solid set-up of "What if Superman went evil when he was twelve-years old?".  What follows is a movie that thinks it can skirt by on a few "cool" or even "creepy" scenes, but at the same time boasts a near terrible script and an uninspired presentation.  As for the sound design, people are either whispering at barely-audible levels or ear-splitting jump scares are popping up every couple of minutes, every last one of which can be seen coming miles away.  It also clumsily balances its tone, mostly trying to be straight, emotionally-driven horror, yet setting itself up to become a fun franchise with some ridiculous moments of gore tossed in along the way that come off as comical.  Every plot point is just there to get us to the next thing that the screenwriters wanted to do as opposed to say, actually contemplating what the characters in the movie would believably do.  It is not dumb enough to be schlocky, but still pretty dumb which possibly could have been avoided, but eh, trying is hard sometimes

THE LIGHTHOUSE
Dir - Robert Eggers
Overall: GREAT

The highly anticipation follow-up to Robert Eggers' The Witch, (that ultra, ultra rare instant masterpiece that has only since become more rightfully renowned), The Lighthouse hit Cannes about a year after it wrapped up shooting and then still only saw a limited theatrical run on its scheduled release date.  This only caused more of a stir for those who had to hunt down a convenient enough place to see it.  Impressively, there is virtually no comparing it to The Witch as it is a unique, complex beast all its own.  Liberal on the humor and myth-heavy symbolism, there is a lot to weave through in The Lighthouse.  The plight of loneliness, toxic masculinity, the negative effects of alcoholism, the pitfalls of both seeking forbidden knowledge and withholding it, the futility of trying to escape one's past, longing for identity, and how all of this and probably some other things can lead to inevitable madness, the speculation is ideally fascinating.  It seems to be about so much simultaneously and how remarkably photographed and acted it is, (cinematographer Jarin Blaschke and Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattison deserving so much credit), only further magnifies the movie's intensity.  While it never really bothers to go for gut-wrenching horror and once again embellishes virtually no tired cliches, none of this ultimately matters in the slightest.  Eggers' reach is clearly a bold one and the meticulous nature of his work here is once again as captivating as it comes.

2019 Horror Part Two

THE DEAD DON'T DIE
Dir - Jim Jarmusch
Overall: GOOD

Dipping his toes into horror more often than not as of late, Jim Jarmusch returns with a zombie film this time that very Jim Jarmuschingly rips a hole in the entire fabric of the "dead people chomping on alive people to make more dead people chomping on alive people" formula.  It would logically seem that Jarmusch is late to the party here with zombies being worn-out to the point of utter aggravation, but this is wonderfully a saving grace in and of itself.  The very themes of humanity being powerless to stop nature and all of us humans basically being shallow shells just waiting to turn into braindead ghouls are offered up very on the nose like, being just as funny as all of the suffocatingly dry humor that is in every nuance of the script.  So even as Jarmusch may be appearing to make a smart, social commentary here, he is probably just taking the piss out of everything about zombie movies in the knowingly smirky way he knows how.  This could make The Dead Don't Die annoying, but the wonderful, consistently recognizable cast seems positively delighted to be here and the film never once stops being amusing.  One or two unresolved plot threads aside, it is about as good of a horror parody as can be made by a guy who is rightfully adept at making one.

MIDSOMMAR
Dir - Ari Aster
Overall: GOOD

As a follow up to the utterly outstanding Hereditary, writer/director Ari Aster's sophomore effort Midsommar is excellent though imperfect.  Comparing the two films is inevitable, but Aster brings a lot of this upon his own work as one of the complaints one could find is the perhaps too similar nature of both.  Centralizing the story on an emotionally distraught character that is suffering from a hugely traumatic event and then fusing that with pagan rituals both factual and dramatized, Aster clearly has a fetish for a rather specific type of material.  In this respect, it cannot help but to make the end product consistently predictable.  On the plus side though, he has a knack for delivering his shtick strikingly well.  Perhaps even more than Hereditary, Midsommar works outside of its horror elements as a powerful exploration of grief.  This complements the folkloric, communal cult backdrop perfectly, exposing in an exaggerated fashion of course how one damaged person can become sucked into such a thing.  There is even more going on than that though and none of it seems sloppy.  The not quite up to par elements are more minor details like how believability is stretched a little too far when people start disappearing and acting suspicious, stiff dialog at times, the pacing which drags just a hair, and some minor sub-plot details that seem a little half-baked.  There is likely a method to even these presumable missteps judging by how intelligently made and wonderfully genre-defying the rest of the film is though.  Aster is still two for two, hopefully setting the stage for something a little more outside of his chosen comfort box that will take a few more chances next time.

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK
Dir - André Øvreda
Overall: WOOF

For something that makes absolutely no attempts to break any rules, has all the weight of a decently funded studio project behind it, checks off every currently trendy horror trope there is including being something nostalgic, wraps itself up in a nice, glossy little package and puts all of the pieces in place for a franchise to blossom out of it, there is probably still an audience out there for the big screen adaptation of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.  Namely blind followers of anything with the horror tag attacked to it or teenagers who do not know any better.  Based off of author Alvin Schwartz and artists Stephen Gammell's much beloved children's books from the 1980s and 90s and the third feature from Norwegian filmmaker André Øvreda, the version here represents absolutely everything hack about modern, PG-13 horror movies.  Øvreda's Trollhunter is quite excellent as is Schwartz' and Gammell's source material of course, but no amount of nostalgia or admiration for anyone's previous work can make the spell cast by such a completely safe, uninspired and stock product like this do anything more than rile the blood.  At least for those who have little to no patience on tripe nonsense.  Horror movies do not all need to reinvent the wheel and many enjoyable ones make no such attempt, yes.  This particular example is just insulting to the audience though and top to bottom disappointing because of it.

2019 Horror Part One

GLASS
Dir - M. Night Shyamalan
Overall: MEH

Another botched effort from the perpetually flawed filmography of M. Night Shyamalan, Glass is the sequel to both Unbreakable and Split.  Coming nineteen years after the former and three after the latter, it is hardly the conventional way to go about establishing a cinematic universe and wrapping up a trilogy.  Yet Shyamalan did have a lot of embarrassing to utterly terrible movies to make in the meantime.  Glass is akin to Unbreakable far more than it is Split in tone as there is not really a single horror-esque moment to be found here.  That is not the problem though.  Once again, M. Night cannot quite juggle his good ideas and in the process throws some very unnecessary and sloppy ones in instead.  No movies of his are void of plot holes and the fact that there are more than even usual for him here gets quite distracting.  The circumstances that bring James McAvoy, Bruce Willis, and Samuel L. Jackson together in the very same building with only the flimsiest of security measures that are easily thwarted, one of the most forced twists in any of Shyamalan's movies, and arguably the very most lackluster ending make for a highly unsatisfactory result.  McAvoy is positively brilliant once again as a lunatic with too many multi-personalities to count and as always, Shyamalan proves himself a way better director than writer with a multitude of well structured, stylistic shots.  Still, Glass is a disappointment in every other way.

US
Dir - Jordan Peele
Overall: MEH

There is a frequently used saying regarding horror movies in particular that "less is more".  Though it is a simplification of course to suggest that explaining as little as possible automatically means that the movie is going be better, but there are times when you can overstuff your film with exposition, twists, and themes on top of themes to the point where the weight of it all completely collapses upon itself.  With Us, that is precisely what happens.  There are few filmmakers out there embracing the horror film more than Jordan Peele.  Coming out of being a Mad TV writer and performer, (nobody's perfect), to the highly successful and hilarious Key and Peele, to taking a hefty enough gamble with his directorial debut Get Out, Peele pleasantly surprised many.  While Get Out was also flawed and similarly wracked up the plot holes, Us reeks of overcompensating while desperately trying to both appeal to whoever it can and challenge whoever it can at the same time.  Because Us was sufficiently funded and Get Out was such a roaring success, Peele is unfortunately stuck in this position where either studio heads or he himself feels he cannot be too ambiguous as to alienate his whole audience so instead, he goes the complete opposite route and drowns his movie with ideas that have no payoff.  Throw in some trendy, terrible details like boo scares and supernaturally strong, agile bad guys standing still and tilting their heads and there is way too much here to aggravate and undue it.  A movie, (no matter what genre), does not get by on its clever premise, good performances, and a few well done scenes.  Not when the filmmakers cannot stop throwing shit in there with no possible hope of it adding up.  Taken as a whole which is only fair, Us is a regrettable mess.

EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE
Dir - Joe Berlinger
Overall: MEH

Making a serial killer biopic has to be one of the most monumentally difficult cinematic tasks there is.  So the conflicting nature of Joe Berlinger's Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile is troubled in more ways than one.  The positives to point out are in the structure of the film, which shows almost none of the deplorable acts of Ted Bundy and instead looks at the most notorious amongst too many of America's serial killers primarily through the eyes of two women; his one time girlfriend and later wife.  Giving us a view from just two of the people he manipulated and not focusing on the things a monster like Bundy himself would be most proud of is the admirable way to go to be sure.   That being said, the usual biopic problems are numerous.  With a case so incredibly infamous as Bundy's and one that carries so much unbelievably tragic weight, taking such eye-ball rollingly dramatic liberties is a bad move.  Perhaps this softens the blow a bit and helps the whole ordeal to be more "movie-like" as to dilute the viewer from what really went down.  Using embarrassingly on the nose pop music cues, re-ordering real life events, and simply making up others might take the edge off, but it does so in an annoying and somewhat disrespecting way.  A movie about Ted Bundy simply should not be entertaining is the long-short of it, but then why watch it if that is the case?  Also, Zac Efron forgoes most of Bundy's actual mannerisms, ditches the slight-southern accent, and conveys hardly any of the sociopath's smirking narcissism and is more just giving a straight, competent performance here.  It is difficult to surmise what the movie could have done "better", but it gets probably a C+ to a B for effort at least.

2000's British Horror Part Three

DEATHWATCH
(2002)
Dir - Michael J. Bassett
Overall: MEH

Writer/director Michael J. Bassett's debut Deathwatch is an ambitious, somewhat interesting psychological yarn that fumbles a bit too much along its way.  Some of the presentation brings it awfully close to B-movie schlock, particularly a good amount of the dialog, the swelling, dramatic musical score that never shuts the fuck up, and how every character routinely screams all of their lines.  Set during an exasperatingly cold, wet, and muddy World War I backdrop, some of the macho behavior seems appropriate, but as the movie continues to spiral into more ambiguous terrain, these details become a bit irksome when they probably should not be.  Bassett concocts a small handful of creepy moments, (more so earlier on), and he utilizes the modest budget to good enough effect to stage a harsh setting with some brutal battle sequences.  Yet a lot of it unfortunately rambles along with a host of underwritten characters, the spooky mystery never picking up a compelling enough momentum.

SEVERANCE
(2006)
Dir - Christopher Smith
Overall: MEH

There are only a few scant moments of unpredictable humor scattered about Christopher Smith's Severance, another thriller parody that is pretty standard and mediocre.  Smith and his co-screenwriter James Moran being rather avid genre fans judging by their filmography, utilize a few too many cliches all around, like loud noises on the soundtrack every time something scary happens and thematic red herrings.  On that note, the earlier scenes are far more intriguing than what ultimately transpires, with psychological and supernatural elements introduced, all of which end up being a mere tease.  Once we find out what is actually going on and it turns into just another cat and mouse game with some kind of vague military undercurrent, it becomes easy to check out of the story.  Tone-wise it is also inconsistent as it plays like a straight slasher movie and borders on torture porn once or twice while still continuing to bust out random gags on the regular.  The humor is certainly a preferable ingredient, otherwise it would be generically drab, but it is just not all that memorable of an end result.

EDEN LAKE
(2008)
Dir - James Watkins
Overall: WOOF

You know what is fun, meaning not the fuck fun at all?  Getting to know a nice, normal couple on the brink of starting the rest of their lives together who instead meet an entire town full of appalling douchebags who have the worst teenagers ever birthed who proceed to terrorize and murder them for ninety-minutes.  Eden Lake, the debut from James Watkins, is the worst kind of torture porn bullshit.  It is miserable enough when you are watching a bunch of exaggerated, horror movie-level psychopaths do awful things to people for their own warped reasons.  Yet when you change the evil-doers to just a crop of bullies who should have all been drowned right out of the womb and your big finish then is to show that it all comes down from their parents who also should have been drowned right out of the womb, the unrelenting miserableness is just comically obnoxious.  It is the same question posed by all of this garbage, being "Who the fuck wants to watch this shit?"  Poor Michael Fassbender certainly does not deserve to be here and neither do we.  As little Elizabeth Cronin would say, "What a pile of shit!".

2000's British Horror Part Two

THE DARK
(2005)
Dir - John Fawcett
Overall: WOOF

Based off of the Simon Maginn novel Sheep which hopefully is not as dreadful, The Dark is a wretchedly formulaic and highly confused, supernatural horror trainwreck.  It is bad enough that the movie plays like it is trying to check off every last "daughter goes missing, people going through old newspaper reels at a library, grungy kids who whisper cryptic dialog, old locals who can explain legends and spooky stuff, let's try and overcome something traumatic in our lives at the end, oh never mind it is a plot twist" trope.  It is another thing that the script by Canadian playwright Stephen Massicotte comes off at least like the pages got mixed up and they decided to shoot it that way regardless.  Things become increasingly off the rails as the film tries to deliver the ghost story goods near the last act, with random foreshadowing, reoccurring, (and awful), dialog, and sloppy editing all contributing to the disastrous whole.  It is as far a cry from director John Fawcett's landmark Ginger Snaps as can be expected and even though Sean Bean amazingly does not die in this one, it is still a pretty embarrassing entry on his resume, as well as everyone else's involved.

THE COTTAGE
(2008)
Dir - Paul Andrew Williams
Overall: GOOD

The sophomore effort from British writer/director Paul Andrew Williams swings for being over the top both in its humor and it's nastiness.  There are many moments that pull this off, particularly in the first two thirds where a botched kidnapping consistently and hilariously goes more and more off the rails.  It is in the last act where the movie indulges in full-on slasher parody that things regrettably get a bit lazy.  The about-face, thematic shift is appreciated as is the fact that the mayhem never stops, but once an isolated farm house with a deformed maniac playing cat and mouse with everyone who trespasses on his land is introduced, it unfortunately goes through all of the standard motions.  Even though everything is still played primarily for laughs, it still comes off a bit too dumb while riding such cliches to the ground.  The cast who mostly yells "Fuck!" at each other a lot is pretty strong and Laura Rossi's blatantly Danny Elfman-inspired score sets the comedic tone right out of the gate.  Even though the last horror movie section is less-inventive, the rest of it just gets by enough on its vulgar, bloody charm.

PANDORUM
(2009)
Dir - Christian Alvart
Overall: MEH

Technically a German production with British producers and an international cast, Pandorum is visually impressive with expertly designed, grimy, lived-in sets and sufficient enough effects, but it is also as stock and generic of a science fiction film as has ever been made.  Melding two scripts from Travis Milloy and director Christian Alvart together, it is a shame how disastrously mundane it is.  Astronauts waking up from hyper-sleep on an arc vessel to try and relocate humanity and then having to deal with hostile aliens aboard as a basic premise is fighting quite an uphill battle to offer up anything remotely unique to such cliches and indeed, there are none.  It is further unfortunate that the presentation is more obnoxious than not with loud, screechy monsters, unintelligible dialog often mumbled, grumbled, or whispered and at least one character, (Ben Foster), getting tossed and dropped around like a rag doll without even so much as a broken pinky toe to show for it.  The dialog itself is as tripe as everything else and it is all spoken/screamed by people being macho and miserable simultaneously.  As a strict, by the books and gritty, contemporary outer space action movie, it fits the mold a little too well.