80's Foreign Horror Part Four

MY BLOODY VALENTINE
(1981)
Dir - George Mihalka
Overall: WOOF

One of the gorier Canadian slasher movies to come out of the gratuitous wave of them in the 1980s, My Bloody Valentine is part of the lazy, horrendously uninspired trend of Holiday-themed horror films that were exploited mercilessly by every two-bit producer looking to make another quick buck off of morons who find this stuff entertaining.  Morons or just people with questionable taste, either/or.  This particular snore-fest is particularly irksome.  Things collapse right about the time that we get the single most forced, exposition-dropping flashback sequence in any of these stupid ass movies.  In it, a "I'm warning you kids" bartender right out of the cliche book interrupts all of his drunk guests by telling them a story everyone in the town has long memorized, just so us viewers can hear it.  Isn't that nice of the screenwriters?  Elsewhere, every character sucks, they are all idiots, there is a twist and blah, blah, blah same shit different slasher movie.  If you condense this film down to the handful of hilariously violent death sequences and get it over with in a couple of minutes then great, but otherwise what another colossal waste of nintey-ish minutes.

DER FAN
(1982)
Dir - Eckhart Schmidt
Overall: MEH

This intentionally cold and very low-key thriller from Eckhart Schmidt, (who adapted it from his own novel), stews a little too long in its eccentric juices to be as satisfying as it could be.  The premise for Der Fan is amazingly simple, though Schmidt takes it into unforeseen territory halfway through which is good in that it refocuses the viewer from the rather one-note beginning.  Things continue to drag though even from there and it is a relatively simple matter of editing a number of scenes far shorter to get the pacing to a point where it stays both captivating and nail-biting.  While this is the only unfortunate attribute one can find here, it is still an impossible one to look past.  Seventeen year old Désirée Nosbusch is miles away from reality in every nuance of her excellent performance, ignoring all of the activities and men who are openly interested in her besides her Kraut-pop obsession R, (Bodo Steiger).  Still, she grows even more aloof and unsympathetic once their inevitable meeting takes place.  Which is not a bad thing.  The strange fate of both of them plays out just as deliberately as the rest of the film and no one can accuse Schmidt with making anything crowd-pleasing here.  That is ultimately just a more interesting route to take than an altogether good one though.

RAZORBACK
(1984)
Dir - Russell Mulcahy
Overall: MEH

Serving as the non-documentary debut from future Highlander director Russell Mulcahy, Razorback suffers from the usual ailments of other nature horror outings as well as offering up further outback genre cliches such as wild, kangaroo murdering yokels who are portrayed as just a hair above Neanderthal-level savages.  Usually with these movies, the best case scenario is that the animal monster looks cool and poses a believable threat while the characters and subplots do not bore you too terribly and Razorback more or less delivers in this low-expectation capacity.  The film is benefited from moody cinematography which frames rusted factories and the desolate Australian deserts in many ominous shadows, while the soundtrack features the morphed screams of its titular wild boar that is honing in on its victims.  Mulcahy had the good sense to mostly show his giant, animatronic hog in quick and dark flashes or closeups, which makes it appropriately menacing and convincing enough as it rips walls out and bulldozes through every structure it can.  The actual humans here are either pretty bland and somewhat underwritten though, while others are so unlikable they become obnoxious to watch.  Story-wise, it does not equal anything more than "giant animal is killing people so let's stop it" so the premise cannot help but feel stretched due to how generic it is. 

80's Foreign Horror Part Three

DOCTOR JEKYLL ET LES FEMMES
(1981)
Dir - Walerian Borowczyk
Overall: MEH

Known erotic filmmaker Walerian Borowczyk's unintentionally goofy adaptation of Robert Lewis Stevenson's tirelessly retreaded The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a highly flawed and aggravating one.  Some scenes are effectively disturbing, moody, or technically impressive, (such as the eerie opening, some twisted violence, and Udo Kier's one-shot transformation into another actor), but often they are just as easily undone by ridiculous acting, boring and pretentious dialog, and distracting cinematography.  Much of the movie, (particularly the last act), is filmed by hand-held cameras in increasingly poor lighting and while it seems like it might produce some interesting, voyeuristic results at first, it just becomes a pain in the ass to watch before too long.  The bigger problem though is how laughably and perhaps accidentally the tones clash throughout.  It would be one thing if Dr. Jekyll was just running amok as Mr. Hyde and willingly giving him more free reign to terrorize his house guests, but it is another when so many other characters without an excuse succumb to random bursts of brutality as well, further delighting in just as much evil shenanigans.  All the while, no one in the crew turned enough lights on to even see anything.  The overtly visceral and bizarre finale is probably fitting, but its sloppy course to get there is hard to jump on board with.

NEXT OF KIN
(1982)
Dir - Tony Williams
Overall: MEH

The second and last non-documentary full-length from New Zealander Tony Williams is an annoying one that drops the ball in some places while being rather inventive in others.  Next of Kin plays with its audience in more ways than just the method in which it utilizes vague haunted house cliches and red herrings for its mystery.  It is detrimental that the film is tremendously boring and moves at such a crawl, removing what impact would be had by the well-photographed and stylish, macabre sequences.  Taken out of context, several scenes are impressively done, including a corpse being found and removed from a bathtub, plus the lead protagonist running away from her pursuer in slow motion while the soundtrack disturbingly blares and distorts her screams.  Yet in the framework of the mediocre at best story and how lackadaisically paced it is, it becomes troublesome to stay even remotely invested enough to notice the good bits.  This is a common occurrence unfortunately for many non-pandering horror films that try and fail to successfully break the mold and do something unique with the genre.  Next of Kin overstays its welcome in this respect while not providing an interesting enough footing to build on.

MEDIUM
(1985)
Dir - Jacek Koprowicz
Overall: MEH

While certainly moody enough, Medium is a bit too impenetrable to get under one's skin.  A period piece set during 1933 in the German-occupied city of Sopot, it was the debut from Polish filmmaker Jacek Koprowicz and uses an interesting though aggravatingly unexplained premise revolving around psychic abilities, immortality, and mind control.  There are a number of reveals that would have been pretty creepy had Koprowicz structured his story in a more fleshed-out way.  Instead, we are thrust head-first into the confusing goings-ons from the very beginning, sp the viewer's brains are trying to play catch-up to all pf the information that we are consistently not given.  Medium simply goes too far in this regard, losing its audience early on and not delivering a satisfying enough pay-off, even in a mystifying, ambiguous sense.  It just seems underwritten instead.  Most of the characters are so poorly introduced that it is difficult to decipher what their motivation is, whether it is deliberate or manipulated by the movie's unseen title-villain.  If this was intentional, then it makes the narrative all the more sloppy and unforgiving.  The cinematography and sound design are excellent, but they definitely would have suited a more solid overall film.

80's Foreign Horror Part Two

THE TERRITORY
(1981)
Dir - Raúl Ruiz
Overall: WOOF

Wha...umm...huh?  It is difficult to tell if Raúl Ruiz' The Territory became an incomprehensible art film by default since the production was supposedly treacherous and brimful of problems.  The resulting footage that was left after the hazardous shooting conditions were endured is almost fascinatingly terrible.  So many aspects of the movie are so bizarre that at least some of them have to be intentional.  Whether they are or not though, it is an incredibly aggravating ordeal to sit through.  We witness several completely unrelatable characters boringly get lost in the woods and exchange some of the most asinine dialog imaginable, delivered in an overlapping, improvisational manner that remains more annoying than curious from the get go.  Every plot point that happens is made even more confusing by how unnatural and again, obnoxious everyone is acting.  Then when you add inappropriate music, (used at utterly random intervals no less), and an editing job that leaves out numerous instances only to bulldoze the whole trainwreck into the next confounding scene, it is quite the mess.  Apparently the movie is about disregarding nature, civilization, class, languages, and geographical borders or something, but whatever.  It is just nonsense and the wrong, wrong kind of weird from start to finish.

VARIOLA VERA
(1982)
Dir - Goran Marković
Overall: GOOD

This part-horror dramatization of the Yugoslavian smallpox outbreak of 1972 handles its simple, occasionally indifferent story well enough, mostly due to its steady performances.  The multi-cultural cast play up their unfortunate situation rather realistically, slowly submitting to the cabin fever of their government-sanctioned quarantine in different ways.  Serbian filmmaker Goran Marković finds room for both humor and some fitting, outbreak horror genre sequences, sparsely utilizing an ominous score, darkness, and almost zombie-like make-up on those poor souls caught with the highly infectious disease.  Variola Vera is not particularly dramatic which may or may not be a problem depending on how one likes their "based on a true story" movies.  Yet the controlled pace does afford Marković the chance to stay grounded to reality and not overemphasize any would-be unnecessary plot twists.  It still presents itself as a harrowing enough ordeal for the hospital full of people who had to very patiently wait nearly a month for the virus to run its course, while at the same time trying to steer clear of anyone with it in such a claustrophobic environment.  Does it rattle your bones and make your skin crawl as an eerie, mysterious horror movie?  Not so much, but that is not its agenda anyway.

HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II
(1987)
Dir - Bruce Pittman
Overall: GOOD

Another victim of the once common practice of re-titling or re-shooting, (both in this case), a finished film to piggyback off the success of an already successful one, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II has absolutely nothing to do with the forgettable, Jamie Lee Curtis-stared Prom Night from seven years prior.  Tossing any preconceived sequel notions aside then, this can be taken in as the knowingly ridiculous and often amusing Carrie/Nightmare on Elm Street hybrid it is.  While it is ultimately too derivative of countless high school comedy/horror movies to be all that memorable, it is surprisingly well done for how silly it is.  Bruce Pittman never lets his audience forget that they are watching a nonsensical horror movie where all of the supernatural occurrences are as random as they are numerous, assigning his revenge-seeking, demon-prom-queen-ghost-whatever the type of arbitrary powers that would look cool for that particular scene.  This element is hammered home early on and becomes the main focus throughout, so complaining about it in a way is like complaining about wet paint being wet.  Tone wise, it is more well-balanced than most.  There are still groan-worthy one-liners and popcorn-crowd pandering cliches a plenty, but the set pieces are both schlocky and relatively spooky at times and it seems in on its joke while not blatantly hitting you over the head with it.

80's Foreign Horror Part One

ANGST
(1983) Dir - Gerald Kargl

Overall: GOOD

Putting the viewer right smack in the uncomfortable seat throughout its entire run time, Gerald Kargl's Angst, (Fear), serves as Austrian's precursor to Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.  Following around a violently deranged lunatic for an hour and some change as we get to witness every detail of him being violent and deranged, the premise is as cut and dry as it gets.  Kargl makes some intriguing stylistic choices though, such as using multiple SnorriCam shots and shooting all of the violence and action in an awkward fashion, all the while having his main, psychopathic character calmly narrate his own history and fantasies.  Erwin Leder's performance is perfect as he loses more and more control over himself and his circumstances, plus the score by German electronic composer Klaus Schulze is both eerie and hypnotic.  It eventually becomes a problem that the movie is shot in real time since we are treated to a long post-killing spree sequence in which bodies are merely moved around for about twenty minutes, thus deflating the tension.  The bleak presentation does not go fully into torture-porn though and this remains an effectively provocative and uncompromising look into the psyche of an inhuman, malevolent murderer for those curious to see something so knowingly unpleasant.

 

GOSPODIN OFORMITEL
(1987)
Dir - Oleg Teptsov
Overall: MEH

Based off of a short story by Russian writer Alexander Grin, Gospodin Oformitel, (Mister Designer), is an unforgivingly pretentious art film that is so stagnantly paced that it barely qualifies as the horror film that it is routinely labeled as.  While it is remarkably photographed and the set and costume designs are wonderfully picturesque, it is ultimately a lot of hot air with nothing concrete to latch on to.  The small lot of characters are so unemotive that they barely come off as characters at all, even in an intentionally aloof sense.  This is most apparent with the lead protagonist, (played by theater actor Viktor Anilov), who has the hardest of times not looking like he is just as bored as we are confused.  In his debut, director Teptsov, (who has only made two movies to this day), makes it a priority to be as ambiguous as possible, drenching every moment of the film in pompous and stylistic touches.  It does not wallow in the surreal in an engaging fashion though and while the care was taken to make it a gorgeously looking film, it does not amount to much more than a whole lot of vapid arthouse pandering for the sake of it, which in and of itself may be enough for some adventurous viewers.

 

FREAKSHOW
(1989)
Dir - Constantino Magnatta
Overall: WOOF

The second of only two movies to be directed by Constantino Magnatta, Freakshow is an example of anthology horror done in an embarrassing and strictly clumsy manner.  Given a limited theatrical release which is far more than it deserves, it gets off to a clunky start and remains off the rails throughout, strictly in an incompetent sense.  Some asshole guns down a bunch of movie theater patrons because his girlfriend dumped him, prompting a famous female reporter to upset her cameraman who drives off and leaves her to wonder around fog-laded, sketchy streets while trying to hail a cab.  Such head-scratching details would imply that the entire movie exists in some soft of dream logic and in a sense it does, once bitchy protagonist Audrey Landers runs into a weirdo with a freakshow exhibit, (hence the film's title), who shows her Belial from Basket Case floating in a glass compartment which somehow allows for her to imagine the following four stories.  Each one exhibits exclusively unconvincing human behavior and plot maneuvers that insult the audience's intelligence and even though it occasionally becomes so bizarre to warrant laughing at, the wretched acting, wretched soundtrack, wretched writing, and wretched production values make it an unforgivably lame watch.

80's Vincent Price Part Two

THE MONSTER CLUB
(1981)
Dir - Roy Ward Baker
Overall: GOOD

The last theatrical release from director Roy Ward Baker, (Scars of Dracula, Asylum, The Vault of Horror), The Monster Club is a rather fun be it honestly flawed anthology outing.  Though there is no mistaking the very lighthearted nature of it, the most significant problem is the fact that it is a part musical and the song breaks are hugely obnoxious due to how noxiously terrible the actual songs are, (even if known British bands such as The Pretty Things are performing them).  It is worse yet to see both Vincent Price and John Carradine awkwardly dancing to them by the finale, all while a club full of monsters in laughably stupid Halloween masks party around them.  Again, this is childish stuff, but it still comes off a bit too embarrassing to work.  Outside of that though, the stories themselves from author Ronald Chetwynd-Hayes are pretty good, with only "The Vampires" segment slagging behind a bit in quality.  "The Shadmock" and "The Ghouls" are both successfully creepy while still being on the more kid-friendly side and it is an added bonus that comic book artist John Bolton's illustrations are used in the latter.   Of course Price is having all the fun in the world as usual, this time being a very polite vampire who fangirls out over Carradine playing an onscreen version of R. Chetwynd-Hayes himself.

HOUSE OF LONG SHADOWS
(1983)
Dir - Pete Walker
Overall: MEH

Vincent Price and John Carradine reunited again, (along with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing), for House of Long Shadows, the seventh film adaptation of Earl Derr Biggers' Seven Keys to Baldpate and the last from Pete Walker before he would hang up his directorial hat for good.  The main selling point is indeed the featuring of all of the elderly horror icons together for the first and last go-round before most of them would start dying off.  Plus Walker being on board who had a relatively impressive filmography of his own while bringing along his trusty on screen sidekick Sheila Keith.  It is not a particularly renowned movie though for clear reasons.  The pacing is cumbersome for so long that by the time things finally start moving at a comfortable rate, it is then time for the plot holes to take over and there are a generous amount of them.  The twist is not all that difficult to spot and the "aw shucks" final tag throws unnecessary confusion on an already disappointing story.  Seeing Price, Cushing, Lee, Keith, and Carradine taking the material seriously and being effortlessly likeable even as supporting characters is the film's one saving grace as Long Shadows is lovingly done while weak everywhere else.  As a near send-off to some of the personnel, (aside from Lee whose career would continue for another three decades and even go A-list again), it is more of a "what could have been" affair than anything else.

FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM
(1987)
Dir - Jeff Burr
Overall: GOOD

This anthology debut from Jeff Burr, (who would later have a somewhat odd career as a go-to, direct to video horror sequel director), is a decently macabre one.  Vincent Price came on board for the framing segment where he mostly just gets to sit in a chair and drink wine, but he still does his professional best in a role that was allegedly offered to him at his own home by Burr in person.  Even without Price there to class up the conservatively-budgeted film, it is still a success due to how gruesome and creepy the individual segments are.  There is voodoo, dismemberment, necrophilia, incest, and circus freaks, but it is all surprisingly taken seriously enough to actually be a little nerve-wracking, with most tongue-in-cheek elements kept at bay.  Also, none of the stories are conceptually weak and any of them would have fit right at home on Tales from the Crypt just a few years later where awful people getting their comeuppance was the general rule of thumb.  Cameron Mitchell, Susan Tyrell, Martine Beswick, and Angelo Rossitto in his final screen appearance further round out more of the genre players and it is also amusing to see Bernie himself Terry Kiser as a guy who gets the short end of the stick while simultaneously gaining immortality.

80's Vincent Price Part One

VINCENT
(1982)
Dir - Tim Burton
Overall: GOOD

The third short film from Tim Burton and first to be produced by Disney while Burton was working there as a conceptual artist, Vincent ended up being a landmark work for the filmmaker.  Clocking in at under six minutes, nearly all his hallmarks are here; weird creature and set designs, German Expressionist cinematography, an outcast protagonist, dark humor, and an unspecified, suburban era setting.  These would all be expanded upon in later, now very famous feature length works, (most obviously with the stop-motion The Nightmare Before Christmas with which it bares the closest resemblance), and such frequently visited themes find a wonderful, whimsical home here.  Of course, it is a very deliberate homage to Vincent Price who Burton not only got to narrate, but he also went on to have a close friendship with the iconic actor until his death eleven years later.  Price is right at home with the material, reciting Burton's poem to him with the kind of gleefully macabre delivery that he was a longtime veteran at by this point.  Both Price and Burton considered Vincent to be a crowning achievement in each of their careers and it is rather easy to see why.

BLOODBATH AT THE HOUSE OF DEATH
(1983)
Dir - Ray Cameron
Overall: MEH

This infamously stupid spoof from Ray Cameron and British comedian/DJ Kenny Everett, (who is about as funny as a buss full of children crashing into another buss full of children), would go down as one that Vincent Price was not all together that proud of.  Not only does most of the comedy fall flat and come off terribly forced if not just altogether terrible, but the barrage of juvenile jokes and overall bad taste sticks out even more awkwardly being in such a poor, incomprehensible script.  As well as being edited to the point where it legitimately seems like someone mixed up the reels, Bloodbath at the House of Death is so asinine and intentionally moronic that there is bound to be a few legitimately humorous bits.  Most of these come from Price prattling off some of the most ridiculous and low-brow dialog he would ever utter, (including but not limited to him using profanity and making a joke about burning "faggots" that is so classless that it is actually kind of great).  It is still rather a failure in trying to send up the handful of horror cliches at its disposal since the set pieces are so nonsensical and random while the jokes are so routinely amateurish.  It is no surprise really that both Cameron and Everett would never, (be allowed to), make another film again, but for the diligent Vincent Price completest, this is fairly one of the farthest down the list to get to.

DEAD HEAT
(1988)
Dir - Mike Goldblatt
Overall: MEH

Implausible and well, rather stupid in more ways than one, Dead Heat was the directorial debut from editor Mike Goldblatt and it is a movie that is probably too dumb to fully enjoy though it does have some redeemable qualities all the same.  It was one of the last non-voice over screen appearances from Vincent Price who though reduced to practically a mere cameo, is still lovably campy in a respectable way that only he could be.  It is also a joy to see Darren McGavin having so much fun as a goofy villain, though his role is also regrettably too small.  As a parody of violent, 80s buddy cop movies where bullets fly as casually as adverbs, there is not a single frame that is possible to take seriously.  Now and again, the moronic dialog and plot twists are worth a chuckle or two, but more often than not, Dead Heat is just as braindead as its zombie henchmen are.  Joe Piscopo and Treat Williams are mostly obnoxious as two smirking, endlessly quipping loose cannon cops whose answer to everything is to recklessly shoot at it.  Meanwhile the story bulldozes through several details and comes out a bit sloppy in the end to say the least.  It could certainly afford some tweaking in the script department and perhaps a director who could keep the buffoonery of the two leads more in check, but it is an OK example of how ridiculous these kinds of movies could get.

80's British Horror Part Three

UNDERWORLD
(1985)
Dir - George Pavlou
Overall: MEH

The first full-length screenplay credit of Clive Barker's career was Underworld, (aka Transmutations), a film that has most of Barker's less desirable quirks in tow while forgoing his better ones.  The aggressively B-movie quality is impossible to take seriously.  Every aspect of the production from the set design, make-up,  and special effects cannot hide the meager budget.  That said, the synth-pop score from Welsh band Freur is kind of fun if also quite dated.  Though it is certainly nice to see people like Ingrid Pitt or Denholm Elliott doing something on screen, the performances are universally hammy, theirs included.  It is always odd that Barker's novels and short stories are virtually void of schlock when it comes to the dialog, but for whatever reason the hokiness rises to the surface when he is writing for the screen.  That is certainly the case here.  The plot is not particularly engaging anyway as it is meant to be kind of a sci-fi noir in tongue-in-cheek, somewhat bad taste.  Barker would get to direct his next film vehicle with Hellraiser two years later, a movie that still showcased some of the author's more silly mannerisms but is an astronomically superior story at least.  This one is really only of interest to Barker enthusiasts.

GOTHIC
(1986)
Dir - Ken Russell
Overall: GOOD

Ken Russell proved highly adequate at crafting high-octane, feverish nightmares on screen at various times throughout his career and Gothic is a textbook example of the filmmaker's trademark, visceral style.  Utilizing the historical context of Mary Shelley, her husband Percy Bysshe Shelley, Dr. John William Polidori, and Lord Byron all vacationing and losing their minds on opium at the latter's estate, Russell depicts their complicated, horror-fueled imaginations as one trippy set piece after the other.  Naturally, some of the images are gleefully grotesque and bizarre, (like Byron performing fellatio on a pregnant woman who miscarriages while he is down there, a set of animated armor with a giant, horned dildo, eyeball nipples, and Polidori trying to kill himself by drinking cyanide and then having insects frantically crawl out of his mouth), but these are usually the high water marks of Ken Russell horror movies anyway.  Gothic has no room to be subtle and the performances, music, dialog, and cinematography border on parody, taking genre cliches to over the top heights.  With any kind of caution to the audience's comfort thrown to the wind, it is an amusing and satisfyingly insane excursion that is clearly having fun with its macabre subject matter.

EDGE OF SANITY
(1989)
Dir - Gérard Kikoïne
Overall: MEH

When watching any Jack the Ripper based movie, it is always laughable both A) how many prostitutes there are in London apparently and B) how many of them openly push for business when a madman is exclusively targeting them night after night.  This cliche gets aggressively exploited in Edge of Sanity, a Ripper/Jekyll and Hyde combo that is equally clever and brutal in some instances while remaining just a bit over the top to a fault.  Anthony Perkins is typecast once again playing a lunatic and he makes a splendid Hyde the Ripper while his Jekyll is the usual, overly passionate zealot who gets more and more difficult to sympathize with as things go on.  The violent treatment towards women is more emphasized here than in most previous versions of these stories, with Hyde's physical and mental abusiveness getting kicked up the point where he even gets some opium-hooked accomplices to terrorize his wife and indulge in such vileness.  Besides these more modern and nasty hooks plus an extra level of schlock brought to the proceedings, it is otherwise the same old story that we have seen dozens of times since the silent era.  It is also bleak and goofy enough to approve of to a certain extent.

80's British Horror Part Two

VENOM
(1981)
Dir - Piers Haggard
Overall: MEH

Though director Piers Haggard did not have the most prolific career as far as theatrical releases went, he did make the exceptional The Blood on Satan's Claw and joined by both Klaus Kinski and Oliver Reed here, one would logically assume that the results would be much better.  It is a bummer then that Venom does not play to its own strengths.  Haggard was brought in late in the game with none other than Tobe Hooper taking a crack at the material first, (which for whatever reason was abandoned at some point), and apparently it was a rushed effort in the end.  Surprising to absolutely no one, Kinski and Reed practically, (or probably), came to blows during the entire shooting schedule, both actors having the utmost reputation of being impossible lunatics on most film sets let alone ones where they were forced to shoot scenes together.  Some of this tension comes through on screen and Kinski is as menacing and creepy as Reed is sweaty and cartoonishly intense.  So essentially, both actors do what they always do.  The one-note story is a dud though and feels stretched throughout its entire running time so despite the potential on and behind the screen, Venom is just a sub-par thriller/animal horror outing at best.

LIFEFORCE
(1985)
Dir - Tobe Hooper
Overall: MEH

Indulging himself with a twenty-five million dollar budget which he would never have again, Tobe Hooper's lone British production Lifeforce is as absurd on paper as it is on screen.  Aliens, vampires, zombies, boobs, yelling, explosions, and Patrick Stewart all make up a bonafide slopstacle course that flies more and more off the rails as it goes on.  Scored by none other than Henry Mancini, co-scripted by none other than Dan O'Bannon, and featuring the main guy behind Star Wars John Dykstra handling the special effects, this would be Hooper's direct follow-up to the mega successful Poltergeist, hence the generous budget, A-list behind the scenes talent, and Cannon Films giving him free reign to go as overboard as he liked.  Lifeforce is essentially a remake of Hammer's Quartermass films, no doubt deliberately so as Hooper pays loving homage to the famous British series.  Outside of an embarrassing toy model London set and some hilariously unconvincing dummies, the effects are solid from the time period, with spaceships, swirly blue lights, and blood-and-guts-drained, animatronic humanoids straight out of Return of the Living Dead all looking rather excellent.  The plot, dialog, and the performances are as ham-fisted as they get and there is so much yelling, blaring music, fire, and chaos in the last act that you are bound to start laughing at how many cliches are shamelessly piled on top of one another to overload your senses.

THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM
(1988)
Dir - Ken Russell
Overall: MEH

Wildly fusing tones, Ken Russell's The Lair of the White Worm is a typically strange production from the typically strange filmmaker.  An adaptation of Bram Stoker's novel of the same way in only the loosest sense, the movie jumps from black comedy to horror parody to student avant-garde film to a random hoedown all with some of the least convincing special effects known to man.  While the snake-like vampire make-up is actually rather good, (and kind of creepy to boot), frantically cut, spontaneous hallucination sequences over chroma key green screens look hilariously awful.  They also jive curiously with the droll pace of the rest of the film which lingers on several long takes that often fail to go anywhere.  Russell can still pack his movies with bizarre flare, this time including giant horned dildos that snake cultists wear for a reason and Amanda Donohoe's Lady Silvia Marsh who does any number of strange things like chilling in a wicker basket, (because snakes), spitting green venom on a crucifix, (because blasphemous snakes?), cutting off teenage boy's wangs while bathing them, or just being naked and blue sometimes without shaving her armpits.  The script which was also penned by Russell is not the tightest out there, with characters going off on their own for curious periods and reaching rather far fetched, (be they correct), conclusions a little too casually.  The flimsy structure in some ways enhances the weirdness, but it is still too poorly made in too many areas to really applause how wacky it all is.

80's British Horror Part One

XTRO
(1982)
Dir - Harry Bromley Davenport
Overall: MEH

If there were not so many other dumb ones, (meaning in the slasher sub-genre), then the Xtro franchise could easily qualify as the dumbest the 1980s ever produced.  Co-written and directed by Harry Bromley Davenport, (who made two more sequels after this, poor chap), Xtro is a film with a bizarre agenda.  It could have been made to capitalize on the gargantuan popularity of E.T., but that certainly would not account for all of the boobs and ugly violence.  The premise comes of as an after thought, just having a kid's dad get abducted and then return three years later by way of getting reborn through a woman that another alien attacks/impregnates.  The rest of what happens is a reckless hodgepodge of whatever ridiculous, nasty set pieces they could come up with.  The dad sucks some blood out of his son and then the son's toys come to life to murder every other character before the dad eventually changes form again to another grotesque alien creature different than the one seen in the beginning.  Then it ends with a dream sequence or something maybe?  Who knows and who cares.  The movie would be fun due to how aggressively illogical it is, but the pacing is terrible to the point where you are too busy waiting for it to be over so you can laugh at how awful it is.

THE COMPANY OF WOLVES
(1984)
Dir - Neil Jordan
Overall: MEH

Due to its deliberately impenetrable nature, Neil Jordan's equally whimsical and nasty adaptation of Angela Carter's The Company of Wolves does not successfully offer up that much aside from its exciting visuals.  The stories-within-stories framework is initially off-putting and confusing, but after awhile it becomes so relentless that trying to follow it as a cohesive narrative proves futile.  It is certainly not meant to be a run of the mill fairytale, but more of a conglomerate of multiple ones under the banner of a loss of innocence/girls reaching their sexual awakening theme.  The performances are rather daft at times as characters seem either too blasé when guys are rather brutally turning into werewolves before their very eyes or too excitable, bursting into fits of rage at the drop of a dime.  It is also difficult to get a beat on Sarah Patterson's Little Red Riding Hood stand in Rosaleen, who often seems scared, confused, and playful all at the same time.   Again though, from a pure optical standpoint, The Company of Wolves is impressive with excellent be it dated monster effects and gorgeous, very fog-drenched scenery that seems perpetually dreamlike and outside of any specific time.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK
(1989)
Dir - Herbert Wise
Overall: MEH

One of the rare Nigel Kneale teleplays that is exceptionally poor, The Woman in Black was based off of Susan Hill's novel of the same name where perhaps a good amount of the blame should also be laid.  Actually, this is a failure from many angles.  Austrian-born director Herbert Wise worked primarily in television and his results here are plodding and problematically slow.  The fact that very, very little happens to begin with is not so much of a headache as is the fact that its presentation is about an hour and some change too long.  This would make for a far superior half-hour segment, perhaps something more akin to the A Ghost Story for Christmas series, seeing as how it premiered on Christmas Eve in the standard, British tradition anyway.  Stretched out the way it is without nearly enough suspenseful set pieces though, it is destined to tune-out its own audience.  There is not much to recommend really as the ending is also lousy and when it does kick into creepy mode, it fails to pack nearly enough of a punch as the aforementioned pacing issues do everything they can to not keep you on the edge of your seat.  Improved direction and writing, a much more brisk running time, and a more generous emphasis on spookiness were all needed in spades to make it anything but forgettable.

My 10 Least Favorite Game of Thrones Characters

MY 10 LEAST FAVORITE GAME OF THRONES CHARACTERS

The world's all about balance.  As my previous entry demonstrated, many characters on Game of Thrones contributed greatly to the show's success.  It is only natural that well-written, complex, funny, compelling, or just badass men and women on this program routinely faced off against well, terrible ones. Some of my choices here were not necessarily poorly presented by the writers.  Most of them kind of needed to be awful to propel the series along, but that does not mean that they still were not rather grating to endure.

Coming up with the criteria for a "worst" or "least favorite" character took some contemplating.  These ten choices are people whose presence was often unbearable yes, but Game of Thrones had a solid handful of villains who did unbearable things.  Per example, I excluded Ramsay Bolton from this group because though he was nearly as atrocious as Joffrey in many respects, he was also a necessary evil that was even dare I say enjoyable in a deliciously "love to hate" way.  Joffrey's face alone was too stomach-churning to look at so it really did not matter how "good" of a bad guy he was.

The following entries annoyed me to no end, did dumb-ass and/or terrible things too much, or just happened to be Sam.  So in other words, a solid combination of all things awful and lame.  Essentially meaning everything the Hound was not, but hey, at least almost all of them are fucking dead so...horrah!

10. Euron Greyjoy

What made this guy even more of a prick than he otherwise already appeared to be was the level of blatant annoyance that accompanied him.  He did not truly emerge until more than halfway through the series once we already had to endure both Ramsay Bolton and Joffrey.  By that time, enough was enough with the smug, obnoxious, begging to be hated villains with no grey area attached to them.  That said, Euron Greyjoy served his purpose to a tee to be the next asshole everyone was supposed to despise.  Everything he did was horrible and then Jaime awesomely beat him in a fight even without using his trusty right hand.  Euron still died smirking though so fuck this guy all the same.

9.  Alliser Thorne

Though not entirely without plausible motivation, one of the biggest assholes amongst many in the Night's Watch Alliser Thorne still made me really uncomfortable when he was on screen.  Not in an "oh, this guy's an awesome villain" Ramsay Bolton kind of way, but more in a, "man, this guy just needs to die soon" kind of way.  He orchestrated Jon Snow's would-be death so lots of fuckwad points for that, but his non-stop bitching, bullying, and smart-assed being difficult-ness was irksome all the same.  I will say that I did like his last words before being hung to death.  They almost made me forget how much of a schmuck he was up until then.

8. Shae

Tyrion Lannister's ole fling started off rather fine, but she became relentlessly obnoxious by the time she was hidden away in Kings Landing.  Bored, jealous, ungrateful, and above all else very unreasonable, Shae became the whore every Game of Thrones fan loved to hate once her lying ass gave the false testimony that seemed to doom the dwarf every Game of Throne fan loves to love.  Then she slept with the same asshole Tywin, (who I still like mind you), who forbade her presence in King's Landing to begin with and Tyrian satisfyingly did both of them in.  By that point all sympathy for her was long lost.

7. Tommen Baratheon

Baby Baratheon was as embarrassingly spineless and inept at being King as his brother Joffrey was phenomenal at being the worst person who ever lived in Westeros.  Pussy-whipped by virtually every elder in his life, King Tommen had nigh a thought of his own during his brief reign and if he did manage to come up with something, it was always stupid.  Just as pathetically, he seemed to realize all of this eventually by nonchalantly stepping right out of the window and plummeting to his doom at the end of season six.  Good for him.

6. Olly

This stupid little shit got on everyone's nerves for his "wah-wah, some wildlings killed my parents so I hate all of them and am gonna angry-stare Jon Snow now for letting the cool ones in, wah-wah" bitching yes.  Yet he also killed Ygritte for said reason and then of course, also killed Jon Snow for that reason.  At least that last part came back to bite him in the ass, (or would that be neck?), and our final glimpse of him dangling from a rope with his face all bloated was indeed a tasty treat.   Not that I advocate hanging kids mind you.  Just this one.

5. The Waif

When it seemed like Jaqen H'ghar actually had a reason to continually send his increasingly annoying lackey the Waif after Arya Stark to train her to be a Faceless Girl, this character was a necessary pain in the ass.  Yet the more time went on, it just seemed abundantly clear that the Waif in actuality was JUST a pain in the ass.  Who knows if ole H'ghar had a master-plan all along and was simply hoping for Arya to do away with this one once she "finally had no name", but sadly we were denied such a detailed death scene.  Instead, the Waif's bloody face just represented all of the justification we would ever get.  I will still take it, but an entire episode dedicated to her getting her punk-ass killed by Arya would have been most preferable.

4. Robin Arryn

Ramsay tortured the wrong son of a Lord that is for damn sure.  I kept waiting for this thoroughly horrible brat to emerge again post season six, but thankfully all we got was him silently sitting at the council meeting to crown Bran Stark as King where he did not even get any dialog.  Robin Arryn's suckiness was entirely the fault of his even worse mother Lyssa, but everything about him sucked all the same.  Sheltered and breastfed waaaaaay past the logical age, Robin was hopelessly dimwitted and sadistic and at the same time he made as terrible of a swords and bowman as Samwell Tarly did.  The little wiener never saw any real battle and if he did he would probably soil his armor while accidentally killing himself with a sword.  At least he was used rather sparingly.

3. Lyssa Arryn

Now onto the idiot we have to blame for Robin being a thing in the first place.  This bitch was a mess. Though we cannot logically fault her with her perpetual Little Finger infatuation, (who would not fall for that charming snake?), by playing into his hands, she willingly was the imp to some of Lord Baelish's brilliant scheming.  On the shitty end though, she wins the "worst mother of ever" award for raising one of the few people in Westeros who is about as terrible as she is.  Titty-feeding her near adolescent only child is one of those numerous Game of Thrones reveals tailor-made to make us feel both very uncomfortable and very much not like the person making us feel very uncomfortable.  Mission accomplished.  At least the actress Kate Dickie was amazing in The Witch.

2. Samwell Tarly/Gilly

The longer that Game of Thrones went on, the more I had to realistically brace myself that Samwell Tarly and his stupid wildling girlfriend Gilly were going to survive it all.  They were the most annoying of all characters, particularly Sam who inexplicably kept being a thing.  Worse yet, he kept being important too and even ended up Grand Fucking Maester despite the innumerable chances he had to die a horrible and deserving death.  How this fat, cry baby wuss lived through literally piles of White Walkers trying to murder him is anybody's guess.  Every time he had a sword in his hand he looked like he was about to burst into tears and even when he was walking around being boring, he either looked just as pitiful or was saying something somebody else would then rightfully make fun of.  We were thankfully spared Gilly more than Sam, but no couple in all of Westeros made me audibly groan when either was on screen.

1. Joffrey Baratheon

I mean, obviously right?  King Joffrey the Cunt was without any rivals the worst villain in all of Game of Thrones and probably all of television history.  Worst in both ways.  The actual character of Joffrey was all the awful.  He gave the words "spoiled", "moronic", and "sadistic" an even far worse name.  Yet again, the character was so "good" at being terrible that it did not matter how much we were supposed to hate him.  The hatred was nearly suffocating.   Every time this pile of horseshit was on screen, it was physically painful to watch.  Thankfully though, GoT saved its most out-of-nowhere death scene out of all of them for Joffrey.  Is there a fan of this show that did not immediately start shouting with blissful satisfaction when the camera stayed on his rotten, purple fucking face chocking on poison?   It was better than your favorite sportsball team winning a championship.  Ooo, I can still taste it.  So, so satisfying.