80's Asian Horror Part Four

WE'RE GOING TO EAT YOU
(1980)
Dir - Tsui Hark
Overall: MEH

The sophomore effort from Chinese filmmaker Tsui Hark, We're Going to Eat You, (as the title rather easily demonstrates), is a horror comedy about cannibals because yes.  It was not a hit in its native Hong Kong and that is not too surprising upon viewing.  The structure is both tedious and inconsistent.  All of the characters are either bumbling, limp-willed jackasses or supernaturally dexterous kung-fu warriors depending on who is supposed to escape or get killed in a particular fight.  As far as those fights go, there are way too many of them.  It gets to the point where the dialog in between scenes of people constantly avoiding machete blows seems to fly by in an instant, leaving an unheralded amount of screen time to more and more boringly choreographed chase and fight scenes.  Worse yet, the movie is not very funny.  Repeated attempts at humor are made at the expense of a large, alarmingly ugly transvestite who wants to rape the two main guys.  Also, the film manages to throw in hi-jinks involving barely fleshed-out secondary characters, including one utterly random scene where a blind guy we do not know almost pees on someone.  Before the gags run out of steam and the premise overstays its welcome, it is mildly dumb and unworthy of one's scorn at least.

SUDDENLY AT MIDNIGHT
(1981)
Dir - Ko Young-nam
Overall: GOOD

This low-key, psychological horror outing from prolific director Ko Young-nam, (and scripted by the equally busy Sam-yuk Yoon), is somewhat of a throwback to the British supernatural films of the late 60s and early 70s with a knowing nod to Italian giallos as well.  Stylistically, this is a slow boil, perhaps too slow for some tastes as its rather repetitive nature and largely barren soundtrack rev up so gradually that the plausibility of some character's behavior comes into question.  On that note, Suddenly At Midnight, (Suddenly in the Dark, Suddenly in Dark Night), has a persistent theme of a housewife whose mental stability is either illogically disregarded or seen as a pestering annoyance for those that expect such women in modern society to behave complacently.  Though it arguably pushes this "it is all in your imagination" cliche a little too far, it is still expertly done.  As the best of these film's often do, the viewer is never 100% let in on the "reality" of the situation, even during the wonderfully tense and creepy finale.  This one is a study of a modern woman's anxiety overwhelming them in a disturbing way, how preoccupied husbands and friends can consistently be unsympathetic, and at the same time, it is a good ole spooky ghost story that has the utmost patience to deliver its chills.

A CHINESE GHOST STORY
(1987)
Dir - Ching Siu-tung
Overall: MEH

Following in the popular tradition of other such supernatural horror comedies from Hong Kong except utilizing a larger budget, A Chinese Ghost Story became one of the best-regarded movies of its kind.  A combination of several works from Qing dynasty author Pu Songling's Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio, the film spawned a few sequels, (including an animated one), and remake since no profitable horror franchise can ever be left alone.  While fun and over the top in several instances, it is still imperfect.  Only the third film from Ching Siu-tung, the pacing is actually too brisk, as set pieces cruise by so fast that hardly any of the mythology gets a chance to be explained.  Still, viewers who are already familiar with much of the cinematic folklore about evil, Chinese spirits via the likes of say Mr. Vampire will be able to follow along without any issues.  Unlike Category III exploitation movies from the era, gore and macabre visuals instead give way to a lighthearted fairy-tale framework, even though a giant demon tongue does attack some characters for one of its most memorable moments.  Ineffective and incessant musical cues also become off-putting and downright bizarre in one instance when Wu Ma's Taost swordsman spontaneously turns the movie into a musical for one scene and one scene only.

80's Asian Horror Part Three

HUMAN LANTERNS
(1982)
Dir - Chung Sun
Overall: GOOD

Another Hong Kong horror/martial arts hybrid produced by the Shaw brothers, Human Lanterns packs in a plethora of physics-defining kung-fu battles and cocksure, laughing bad guys, neither of which is a bad thing.  If you are not the biggest martial arts movie fan, generally the highly choreographed, drawn-out fight scenes can easily bog down everything, which of course begs the question "Why watch such a movie in the first place?".  Yet here, all of the jumping, flipping, superhumanly acrobatic swordplay accompanied by ridiculous sound effects are pretty excellency paced, as is the entire film.  This is impressive since the audience is let in on the mystery fairly early and the structure could be seen as somewhat monotonous, but it still manages to rev up to a satisfactory conclusion.  Along the way, a cackling monkey man wearing a skull mask abducts several women in a creepy enough way and the premise, (as the title easily suggests), of making lanterns out of human skin effectively fits the "horror" tag quite nicely.  It is not reinventing any rules and one can giggle at some of its silly plot points fairly enough, but it gets the job done all the same.

EVIL DEAD TRAP
(1988)
Dir - Toshiharu Ikeda
Overall: MEH

A few things contribute to how astronomically boring the first in the Evil Dead Trap series is.  Director Toshiharu Ikeda seems to be making his Japanese answer to Italian giallos in some respects, particularly with the use of a reoccurring musical theme and a slasher framework where the masked killer's identity reveal is meant to be as cockamamie as possible.  He even manages to pull off a few creepy, be they illogical moments such as said killer flashing a Polaroid camera that one of his victims dropped to announce his presence.  There is also a scene that the Saw franchise stole, (either intentionally or not), which is obviously a shortcoming.  While it does not help how predictable the plot plays out and Masaki Tamura's cinematography is uneven with some scenes being atmospherically staged while others are too brightly lit, (which only highlights the actual low film quality), the film's pacing is enormously poor.  Lots and lots and lots of scenes seem to never end and it becomes increasingly comedic how Ikeda either seemed incapable of yelling "cut" in an orderly fashion or his editor was just hell-bent on getting the whole thing past the ninety-minute mark.  It would have ended up being a cliche-ridden slasher dud with an unnecessarily stupid ending anyway, but since it also flows like molasses, it is best left alone.

MEN BEHIND THE SUN
(1988)
Dir - T. F. Mou
Overall: WOOF

What can easily be described as torture porn disguised as a historical war film, Men Behind the Sun is questionably unnecessary by its very design.  If one feels so compelled to read pages upon pages of historical text, books, and documents that divulge all of the horrific details of Japan's Unit 731 and their atrocious war crimes committed until the end of the second world war, why watch a nearly two-hour exploitation movie that unflinchingly portrays a small handful of such atrocities?  This takes some of the educational merit away from the film as well as any artistic merit since it is so thoroughly unpleasant to sit through.  Besides the nauseating violence and human suffering shown, alleged autopsy footage and animal murder, (as well as child nudity), also helped make it enormously controversial and heavily censored in most countries.  It is positively more uncomfortable due to how the Japanese military is portrayed.  Going far beyond being simply desensitized to their duties, the fact that they seem generally pleased and enthusiastic about torturing and murdering so many people makes the entire movie sit very unwell with virtually any audience.  Not to say that the images and scenarios brought to the screen here are inaccurate or even glorified, but it still does not change that one would prefer watching almost anything else instead. 

80's Asian Horror Part Two

SAMURAI REINCARNATION
(1981)
Dir - Kinji Fukasaku
Overall: GOOD

A bit meandering in the middle, Kinji Fukasaku's Samurai Reincarnation, (Makai Tenshō), is still rather wild and enjoyable.  Utilizing the 17th century Shimabara Rebellion where Christian peasants rose up against the Tokugawa military government as a historical backdrop and then throwing a whole bunch of supernatural hoopla on top of it, the film's primary focus on bloody revenge gives way to many a memorable set piece.  At first it seems like a small be it formidable army of resurrected nobles and warriors turned devils are going to take down the non-Christian regime which ushers in an interesting paradox where the Christians are the devils and ergo, the bad guys.  Yet once they all start going about their own business in challenging and manipulated whoever they see fit, the film gets a bit unfocused as the larger arc takes a backseat to a somewhat confused series of side plots.  Along the way though, it still manages to be darkly engrossing in a deliberately excessive manner while also being downright spooky in enough instances.  The opening and ending scenes with a massive display of slaughtered Christians and then an entire capital engrossed in flames are visually striking, successfully bookending all of the sword fights, blasphemy, and mayhem in between.

MR. VAMPIRE
(1985)
Dir - Ricky Lau
Overall: GOOD

The first in the Mr. Vampire series and one that furthered the popularity for the jiangshi genre, (resulting in several sequels, copy cat films, a similarly themed television show also staring Lam Ching-ying, a stage play, toys, and even a Nintendo game), holds up as one of the better horror comedies probably of the entire decade.  First time director Ricky Lau and a list of screenwriting collaborators both official and otherwise make excellent and funny use of the jumping vampire zombie ghost tropes and it is easy to see the appeal for both horror fans or otherwise.  The pacing is brisk, the comedy is quite goofy yet intelligently done in a slapsticky way, the supernatural mythology is continually inventive, it does not shy completely away from a few gross-out, low brow moments, and the fight scenes are few enough in number to not bog the movie down as other such martial arts films routinely did.  Casting wise, Ching-ying was already a star in his native Hong Kong and would go on to have a career in such films both in and outside of this franchise, collaborating further with producer Sammo Hung in more punching, jumping, kicking projects.  His very deadpan performance compliments all of the ridiculous that is going on around him and he is hard not to root for as a wonderful action hero with a cornucopia of occult knowledge at his beck and call.

THE SEVENTH CURSE
(1986)
Dir - Lam Ngai Kai
Overall: GOOD

It is not too clear from watching just how knowingly silly The Seventh Curse is supposed to be.  Probably a significant amount silly.  Based on the Dr. Yuen series of pulp novels by Ni Kuang and also featuring Chow Yun-fat as the main protagonists from Yuen's other Wisely Series of novels, this is essentially a Hong Kong Indiana Jones movie except revolving around black, tribal magic.  The characters travel to foreign, mysterious lands, there is a race against time, an annoying female reporter who moronically keeps getting into danger, an evil, cackling sorcerer, mystical artifacts and rituals, a brilliant and suave occult expert, and hilarious toy skeletons and unconvincing puppet monsters.  Coming from the director of Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky, it is also understandably heavy on the gore and gruesomeness, with children getting pulverized into a pool of blood, maggots exploding from the inside of bodies, and creatures ripping each others limbs and organs out.  With all of these details in tow, it would be nearly impossible for the movie not to be entertaining and it is indeed wacky enough to please any admirer of over the top action movies or fans of pre-CGI practical effects that leaned heavy on the goofy side.  Both of which the 1980s where rather prominent in producing.

80's Asian Horror Part One

ENCOUNTERS OF THE SPOOKY KIND
(1980)
Dir - Sammo Hung
Overall: GOOD

Martial arts movies are inherently silly, so when you have one that is designed to be a comedy, a great deal of fun can be had laughing with the finished product.  Encounters of the Spooky Kind, (Gui da gui, Spooky Encounters, Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind), is the only horror comedy from martial arts filmmaker/choreographer Sammo Hung and one that helped spawn a number of similar, genre mishmashes throughout the 80s.  This one gets increasingly off the rails as rivaling brother wizards seem to make up magical rituals on the fly as a chubby goofball played by Hung himself, (who here knows how to hold his own in a kung-fu bash as much as everyone else), keeps getting into ridiculously choreographed battles while zombies, ghosts, vampires, and whatever else routinely joins the party.  It is stupid plot wise, but not any more absurd than others like it.  Depending on one's penchant for such movies, the infinite fight scenes may bore you more than they are supposed to, but the horror set pieces are thankfully wonderful and unapologetically lighthearted in a ghoulish way.  While it is often more culturally odd than funny, a few jokes do hit the mark like a "Y.M.C.A" reference and the ending where a husband and wife reunite with genuinely hilarious results.

SEX BEYOND THE GRAVE

(1984)

Dir - Chun Keung Chiu/Tai-Heng Li

Overall: MEH

The Shaw Brothers sleazy and ridiculous take on Poltergeist is the fetchingly titled Sex Beyond the Grave, (Fung lau yuen gwai), which has many of the usual stylistic motifs from the studio.  While there is still a good amount of unintentional humor to be found stemming from wacky supernatural activity that has no rhyme or reason attached to it, the tone is more consistent than one would expect from something combining ghosts, rape and revenge, and eroticism.  These elements are juggled in a frantically paced manner, (another common trait in such movies where the editor seems hellbent on trimming as much fat as possible by rapidly cutting between scenes), and it makes for a goofy watch even with harrowing narrative elements taking place.  A woman has her husband and child brutally killed right in front of her and is then back-to-back raped by both the murder and a greedy yet already exponentially wealthy slime-ball, plus a child is abducted by vengeful spirits which prompts a gambling addict and former friend to take advantage of the situation by staging a ransom drop off.  Wholesome stuff for something that is also borrowing bullet points left and right from Tobe Hooper and Stephen Spielberg's family-friendly haunted house blockbuster.  When the movie is not being too miserable or goofy to take seriously though, directors Chun Keung Chie and Tai-Heng Li create some effective atmosphere and macabre visuals.

DEATH POWDER
(1986)
Dir - Shigeru Izumiya
Overall: WOOF

Actor/poet/folk singer Shigeru Izumiya has only made two films and the longest of them at a mere sixty-two minutes also serves as the first Japanese cyberpunk movie.  Cyberpunk has its own niche to be sure, but watching Death Powder, (Desu Paudā), is a miserable, frustrating waste of time in any regard.  It is probably one of the most nonsensical movies ever made, forgoing even setting up who its characters are or what they are doing before it spends more than half of its short running time slowly and very, very boringly throwing a bunch of unrelated nonsense on screen without even a minute shred of context.  Occasionally, the only thing that avant-garde cinema needs in order to work is just some interesting visuals or a captivating tone, but the piss-pour, low-budget, video aesthetic here coupled with how random and aggravatingly unexplained every set piece is offers up nothing engaging.  Attempting to make heads or tails from what can possibly be going on in here is fruitless, so all that leaves you with is trying to enjoy the baffling, incoherent drivel.  Maybe the piss-pour technical aspects and disregard for rationality enhances the experience for some, but others may like their hour back.

80's Foreign Horror Shorts Part One

FISHEYE
(1980)
Dir - Joško Marušić
Overall: GOOD

A noteworthy short from famed Croatian animator Joško Marušić, Fisheye, (Riblje oko), is less than ten minutes, dialog-less, and rather to the point.  Its simplicity in look and structure is due to Marušić being part of the Zagreb School of Animation which is meant to more heavily emphasize style through its limitations.  This works well here where the lack of anatomically realistic bodies appear more blobby than anything.  The humans have tiny heads with too many lines in their faces and the rest of them often seems massive in comparison, while the fish all vary in size depending on how menacing they are meant to appear.  Utilizing a small array of colors, (mostly diluted greens, greys, and blues), the tiny fishing village is void of detail which helps make it both otherworldly and relatable as it could be happening virtually anywhere.  If any humor is indeed present, it is dark enough to not notice, but still expressively done.

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER
(1982)
Dir - Jan Svankmajer
Overall: MEH

Czech surrealist stop-motion animator and filmmaker Jan Svankmajer's vast filmography includes more than one foray into horror and this adaptation of The Fall of the House of Usher from the genre's most celebrated writer Edgar Alan Poe certainly qualifies.  Featuring no on-screen actors, (only the narration of Petr Cepek), and deliberately grainy black and white photography, Zánik domu Usherú, (its original title), is a fairly interesting experience though not necessarily the most ideal one for the famous source material.  Not that yet another adaptation of Poe's story need be made in a conventional sense, but most of the images in this fifteen-minute long interpretation seem unrelated to the actual story and are just kind of there to put something on screen besides any actual people.  It works better when the narration does jive perfectly with the visuals, but elsewhere it is rather avant-garde for the sake of it and kind of distracting to follow the voice-over along with it.

THE PHANTOM OF REGULAR SIZE
(1986)
Dir - Shin'ya Tsukamoto
Overall: MEH

Some things are difficult to understand.  While Futsû saizu no kaijin, (The Phantom of Regular Size), was not the first short or otherwise-lengthed film from Shin'ya Tsukamoto, it was the precursor to his most famous work Tetsuo: The Iron Man.  Shot on 8 mm film and primitive in all of its technical details, this is essentially the exact same movie as Tetsuo, (down to even featuring the same lead actor Tomorô Taguchi), except mercifully condensed to a mere eighteen minutes.  Hyper-fast, utterly nonsensical, poorly photographed, and above all else boring, it wastes no time in being a waste of time.  Tsukamoto is well-respected in bizarro-world cinema, but his scatterbrained, bizarre, steampunk vision simply can easily go right over one's head.  Being so identically styled as Tetsuo whose appeal is likewise tricky to wrap one's head around, this one here is equally for an acquired taste.

THE LAST THEFT
(1987)
Dir - Jiří Barta
Overall: GOOD

Another project from a prominent Czech animator, The Last Thefis is in fact the only live action film from Jiří Barta.  Equal parts Gothic horror and silent film with a macabre twist right out of EC comics and some of the most atmospheric creepy mansion/creepy cemetery cinematography you are likely to see anywhere, The Last Theft has no need for dialog as the story makes its protagonist a caricature of cartoonish greed; one whose intentions are crystal clear via the wonderfully stylish way that Barta portrays everything.  Primarily black and white with various color tints used throughout, (most of which give clues as to the emotional state of who is on screen as well as the significance of what objects are on screen), parts of the film are slowed down or sped up.  This helps emphasize the strange setting which is both still like an old photograph and alive in only a ghostly fashion all at once.  The film is also rather consistently amusing, intentionally so as the fate of our chubby, mustached thief can really only end up one way.  Once the audience is let in on the spooky joke, it is a successful one to say the least.

80's Foreign Horror Part Seven

CURTAINS
(1983)
Dir - Richard Ciupka/Peter R. Simpson
Overall: MEH

Wrought with production problems for three years around initial director Richard Ciupka clashing with producer Peter R. Simpsons, (who subsequently took the helm), it is rather sad that Curtains ends up being so bland after all of the trouble.  It was conceived from the beginning to be a slasher film that focused around adults instead of teenagers or college students and Ciupka wanted to go one further from the trend of the day by steering it in a more arthouse direction.  This never came to pass and what was eventually released is a tired rehash of another masked killer mystery with a ludicrous, unnecessary twist.  The story comes off a bit messy as well, setting up some interesting avenues to go down but then never really establishing its characters enough to work.  Instead, it just cruises along to the next illogical death scene.  There are numerous set pieces that seem like they would be unnerving such as a slow motion attack on ice skates in broad daylight, a random doll standing in the middle of the road, and a cat and mouse chase through a prop house.  Yet these are all accompanied by typical, "dumb horror movie" logic that regrettably is attributed almost exclusively to women who behave only the way textbook horror movie victims do.

RAWHEAD REX
(1987)
Dir - George Pavlou
Overall: MEH

Released the same year as Hellraiser, Rawhead Rex was technically the second film whose screenplay Clive Barker had written, based off of the short story that had appeared in his third Books of Blood volume.  Similar to the British film Underworld, (Transmutations), which came out two years prior, the Irish production Rawhead Rex is plagued by budgetary problems.  The titular demon/pagan god monster looks exceptionally dumb and no attempt is made to disguise the rubber suite and ridiculous Halloween mask, making the character unintentionally goofy each and every time he is on screen.  While this effectively robs the movie's star creature of all of its menace, what is left is some hammy acting, cliche dialog, and a rather unremarkable plot about a small Irish village trying to stop him.  The violent set pieces are not particularly that great, several of the monster's victims are people that we do not care about anyway, and a lame and kind of silly ending does not help much either.  As is often the case unfortunately, Barker's written work provokes far more chills and captivation so when brought to the screen in a B-movie fashion with such a meager budget like this, it becomes a more frivolous experience.

BLACK PAST
(1989)
Dir - Olaf Ittenbach
Overall: MEH

This shot-on-video debut from German gore maestro Olaf Ittenbach can be seen as the country's answer to The Evil Dead and at the same time, 80s slasher/splatter films in general.  Though this one revels more in its supernatural aspects, to be fair.  As impressive as the relentless violence is which is clearly the main selling point, (and some of the sound design effectively channels the aforementioned first Evil Dead), Black Past cannot muster up any enjoyment beyond how painfully amateurish all of the other aspects are.  Frumpy, non-actors and sets that have got to be nothing more than the homes of the filmmakers, plus being a S.O.V production, the technical limitations easily dwarf any other perverse upsides the movie may have.  Some of the other cliches used like a kid getting picked on in high school and misunderstood by his family are quite hacky, with some montages over absolutely horrible music being unintentionally laughable.  This is also the case with Olaf Ittenbach himself in the lead who with his mullet fully in tow and often posing on his bed in his underwear in a curiously and probably accidentally feminine manner, makes for some goofy visuals.  The lame story and incompetent cinematic elements aside, it is a solid showcase for Ittenbach's gruesome special effects skills and something to take note of for gore aficionados at least.

80's Foreign Horror Part Six

VISITING HOURS
(1982)
Dir - Jean-Claude Lord
Overall: MEH

Some of the lazy slasher tropes are thankfully dismissed in Jean-Claude Lord's Visiting Hours, but it is still a movie that manages to underwhelm quite heavily in the end.  There is a quite solid performance from Michael Ironside, looking like Canada's answer to Jack Nicholson yet delivering a comparatively more low-key performance as a knife-wielding sociopath with daddy issues.  Revealing the killer within the first scene and periodically giving us flashback answers as to his psychotic nature, Visiting Hours has no mystery which while refreshing to not routinely mislead us with red herrings, leaves very little else for the movie to do besides plod along until Ironside's Colt Hawker is ultimately done-in by his targeted victim.  This happens after one-hundred and five minutes and the route to get there is anything but heart-racing.  The story simply backs itself into a corner where if it blindly pandered to the slasher framework and was another umpteenth example of insulting the viewer in such a manner, it would have to be over-the-top ridiculous to have any hope of sticking with its audience long after the credits rolled.  Instead, it is played very straight and virtually humorless.  Even with its feminist themes in tow, the story ultimately has no momentum to make it that compelling.

MAD MUTILATOR
(1983)
Dir - N.G. Mount
Overall: WOOF

If there is a positive to be found in N.G. Mount's face-slappingly absurd Mad Mutilator, (aka Ogroff), it is that it takes all of the "Oh, no..." expectations you get within the first few frames and manages to get even more terrible than you could have predicted.  As soon as the "movie" starts, you could do the logical, sane thing and cut your losses immediately and move on.  Yet if you are a glutton for punishment, you can instead proceed with an unhealthy amount of self-loathing.  This particular example from France is the sort that fiercely makes anyone watching it question why they are bothering.  As far as the actual, (not), film goes, what can you really say?  There is actually no plot, the guy who made it was a video store owner and fanzine publisher who lacks every ability there is when it comes to movie making, there are zombies for no reason, a vampire for even more no reason, and it is powerfully boring.  There is nothing to complain about when it comes to the gore which is relentless and unconvincing, the performances which are non-existent, or the completely random way it throws anything it wants into frame with a daring disregard for purpose or coherency.  Yet at just shy of ninety-minutes, it is way too long to waste one's time with and why such a thing exists at all is a mystery best left to time and space.

CELIA
(1989)
Dir - Ann Turner
Overall: MEH

Too impenetrable for its own good, Ann Turner's debut Celia, (aka Celia: Child of Terror), is a Cold War drama with some bizarre, occasionally horror-esque sprinklings here or there.  Taking place during the 1950's Red Scare and rabbit plague in suburban Melbourne, the film follows around its weird, nine-year old title character who cannot get a break in her home life while continuing to behave more and more morbidly, gradually losing the audience's sympathy for her along the way.  It is not to the film's benefit that the screenplay, (also by Turner), is frequently difficult to follow.  A number of adults and different kids come and go at such a rate that it is a bit tricky to keep track of even whose parents are whose.  In addition, we are dropped right in a backdrop of middle class citizens caught up in the communism scare without any user-friendly context and it honestly becomes difficult to understand what exactly all the hubbub is about.  The spooky moments are reduced to a few brief hallucinations which are infrequent enough to not really carry that much weight.  It mostly just becomes a chore to get invested in what is going on while trying to discern your feelings for the main character whose life stays steady on the traumatic side.  There are some interesting ideas here about a child's confusion and over active imagination getting the better of them, but again, the film itself is just too murky to connect with.

80's Foreign Horror Part Five

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
(1981)
Dir - J. Lee Thompson
Overall: WOOF

When does it end?  Once again again, yet another Canadian-produced slasher movie cashing in on the trend that production studios were apparently legally obligated to churn out, Happy Birthday to Me scraped the barrel to get another holiday to check off as a premise, this time why not someone's birthday?  While this one has a more classy production and look than others, make no mistake; it is just as moronic and stock in every last detail.  The entire film focuses on red herrings and as we get closer and closer to the conclusion, more and more plot holes erupt with more and more laughable consequences.  As you can clearly tell, the appeal of these movies is altogether a befuddlement.  They hit the same beats in the same fashion over and over and the fact that so many where vomited out to theaters, (not counting the hundreds more that did nott even make it that far and gasp, even continue to be made ad nausem), the slasher film is a sub-genre so set in its uninspired ways that it is futile to go anywhere remotely interesting with it.  The only pleasantry with here is that the characters are not the most obnoxious possible and it is only insulting in its laziness, at least until the ending practically goes Scooby-Doo stupid and beats you in the face mercilessly with how asinine it is.

NEKROMANTIK
(1987)
Dir - Jörg Buttgereit
Overall: MEH

This infamous, no budget exploitation film that Alex Webster for one has long championed is primarily what you would expect from its intentionally gross-out title.  Nekromantik is meant to be as shocking as possible, aggressively showcasing taboos that are queasy to watch to say the least.  Sex with corpses, animal mutilation, rape, and a guy committing suicide by stabbing himself in the gut while his rock-hard dick orgasms with massive amounts of blood and semen are all shown in brightly-lit detail.  None are meant to be the least bit tasteful either, as doing so would obviously be impossible.  First time filmmaker Jörg Buttgereit is glorifying nothing here and though the goal positively seems to be in repulsing and appalling his audience, it is not necessarily a brain-dead and obnoxious splatter movie completely void of merit.  Buttgereit seems to be examining human desensitization where his impotent and wimpish main character can only come alive through such cartoonishly vile acts and fantasies.  That said, watching the movie is no joy ride even from a curiosity standpoint.  Movies like Nekromantik generally suffer the same problem in how unpleasant they are to experience and basically once you have seen it, re-visiting such unapologetic nastiness is something only a comparative few would indulge in.

AMSTERDAMNED
(1988)
Dir - Dick Maas
Overall: MEH

Despite being a somewhat rare offering from the Netherlands that barely qualifies as something of note to horror enthusiasts, the fittingly titled Amsterdamned is slow and lackluster in most regards.  The backdrop of a scuba-diving serial killer sounds more fun on paper than it ends up being here, primarily due to the serious pacing issues on hand.  It does not just fail to deliver an interesting payoff after so long of a wait, but it also does not make for a compelling story in the first place.  The film meanders around, boringly going from day to day and predictable kill to kill while the police force remains incapable of catching a guy who is ultimately killing people for a lame reason anyway.  This is not even taking into account the stock love interest angle and sub-plot around two uninteresting kids, one of whom pretends to have psychic powers.  The ending seems like a downright cheat, quickly unloading expository dialog and then wrapping up right before any kind of exciting confrontation can be made.  We actually KIND of get one of those with a drawn-out boat chase sequence throughout the canals of Amsterdam, but that basically shows up twenty minutes too early.  Even though the whole thing still feels like an hour and some change too late.  A few gruesome moments and light chuckles here or there is all that it is ultimately worth.