2012 Horror Part Eight

DEAD SUSHI

Dir - Noboru Iguchi

Overall: MEH

 

Essentially if Lloyd Kaufman and John De Bellow went to Japan and indulged in their natural, non-artistic artistic inclinations, Dead Sushi, (Deddo sushi), would most likely be the result.  Written and directed by former adult video filmmaker Noboru Iguchi, (Mutant Girls Squad, Zombie Ass), it is an indulgently silly, messy, juvenile-centered movie where just the title alone spells things out rather plainly.  A premise about killer sushi that also features zombies, a talking egg, some of the worst digital effects ever committed to celluloid, random kung-fu break outs, horny businessmen, and a guy who turns himself into a were-tuna is nothing to take serious and is nothing taken seriously by anyone involved.  Tone issues not even remotely being a problem then, the film gets to bask in its gross-out goofiness.  It is harmlessly dumb and for those looking for something with enough wacky and very exclusively Japanese ingredients on display, this is a logical pit stop to make.

 

THE PACT

Dir - Nicholas McCarthy

Overall: MEH

The first full-length from writer/director Nicholas McCarthy who is primarily stuck with the horror genre throughout his career thus far, The Pact is an adequately made outing that does not quite overcome its still highly derivative nature.  Too many conventional horror hallmarks are overused including but not limited to a blind spiritual medium, internet research, nightmare sequences, a makeshift Ouija board meant to be a very serious/no going back tool for communicating with the dead, faulty electricity, cameras catching supernatural phenomena, a woman that no one believes, and just about every single last frightening nuance being accompanied by a sudden and loud noise on the soundtrack.  While the comic relief is nil, the film's trite components get overwhelming enough that it dips its toes unintentionally into cornball terrain anyway.  McCarthy's clearly a fan of the genre as he pulls no punches in adhering so closely to it, though this is precisely the problem as the movie has not a solitary chance of rising above any other mediocre film so similar to it.

PARANORMAN

Dir - Sam Fell/Chris Buttler

Overall: GOOD

This collaboration between English filmmakers/animators Sam Fell and Chris Buttler is yet another generally fun horror film aimed at both parents and children in equal measures.  Starting off with a deliberate "Feature Presentation" ode to grindhouse cinema and going the stop-motion route instead of being exclusively constructed on computers, ParaNorman takes some retro approaches without succumbing to straight throwback nostalgics.  This is a plus.  Even though the computer and practical animation hybrid still feels too clean and has that unfortunate, over-digitized smoothness, it also has that grounded and weighty quality that shooting actual objects with actual cameras brings to stop-motion.  As far as the story goes, it is plenty moving and has a rather singular theme of unchecked fear resulting in regrettable actions with painful consequences.  This never becomes too heavy-handed though as the visual aesthetics remain engaging and the predictable yet effective narrative is highly user-friendly to follow.  The only downside is that much of the humor falls flat and certain scenes hit a brick wall because of it.  Things never stumble for too long though and there are enough redeemable qualities to enjoy.

2011 Horror Part Seven

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN

Dir - Lynne Ramsay

Overall: MEH

 

Lynne Ramsay's adaptation of Lionel Shriver's novel We Need to Talk About Kevin is a relentless nightmare that both works and is unsuccessful due to its overbearingness.  The one-hundred and twelve minute running time feels its length, but not because the film forgoes a linear narrative and painstakingly unveils its layers.  As far as structure goes, Ramsay exhibits a level of taut control that bombards us with highly concerning moments while deliberately dishing out their inevitably horrific outcome.  Tilda Swinton is her usual outstanding self, playing a woman who has made to feel that her entire motherhood is nothing more than the universe taking itself out on her and making her feel that she is the least sane person in it.  As her plight becomes more and more hopeless, Swinton becomes more and more numb as well as frustratingly empathetic.  Speaking of frustrating, that is where the movie ultimately falls apart as its subject matter is highly unpleasant to watch.  Any story is fighting an uphill battle to be relatable where a child is allowed to behave so appallingly as to set off incessant red flags while one of their parents thinks nothing is remotely amiss.  This may be the point to show the danger in such a dysfunctional family dynamic, but said danger is all too obvious and annoyingly disregarded for the audience to really stay with.

 

SUPER 8

Dir - J.J. Abrams

Overall: MEH

In between his two Star Trek reboots, J.J. Abrams got a chance to blatantly channel his inner Stephen Spielberg, (who also produces here, so the admiration seems to have been greenlit from the source), with Super 8.  Drenched in the type of nostalgia that has run rampant with horror throwbacks in a post Stranger Things cinematic landscape, Abrams' work here will unmistakably get compared to Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E.T., and The Goonies to name simply the most obvious ones.  Throw in lens fairs in nearly every frame, unnaturally smooth, cartoony CGI, and jump scares interrupting all moments that stop to breath and those are basically the only new things Abrams offers up to distract you from how much the movie is trying to beat you over the head with fond feelings of the good ole days of child-centric, mega blockbusters.  On the plus side, the performances from predominantly unknown child actors and no A-list major ones are universally solid and when it comes to compelling character arcs, at least the humans present are plenty well-written enough to care about.  The same cannot be said for the main alien monster though whose entire backstory and arc are resolved in a poorly rushed fashion.

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS

Dir - Colin Minihan/Stuart Oritz

Overall: MEH

Jumping on the found footage bandwagon for their debut Grave Encounters, the Vicious Brothers Colin Minihan and Stuart Oritz exhibit a level of unoriginality that borders on sheer plagiarism.  The idea here is not all together bad, though it is proven to be a monumentally difficult one to pull off.  The first act is an adequately amusing Ghost Adventures parody, equipped with their own version of the walking paranormal bro cartoon character Zak Bagans, here called Lance Rogerson.  There is also a pretentious psychic, a pretty, female "occult specialist" and a black cameraman who provides nearly all of the "Dude fuck this shit" comic relief.  Such things only scratch the surface as far as cliches though.  The location is a closed down mental hospital with its own physics-defying, labyrinth-like layout, supernatural entities merely toy with people for no logical reason and take their sweet time in doing so, every idea anyone suggests does not work exactly as the viewer can predict, there is screaming, bloody CGI ghost faces, said ghosts stand in corners, a laundry list of obvious foreshadowing is utilized, jump scares are every-which-a-way, sadistic surgeons perform experiments, and while we are at it, an occult alter makes an appearance too.  You could probably construct a boring and trite comedy at least out of what is here, but sadly they abandoned the comedy part early on so all that you are left with is the boring and trite part.

2000's Anime Horror

BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE

(2000)

Dir - Hiroyuki Kitakubo

Overall: MEH

 

Spawning manga sequels, a video game, three light novel adaptations, and two separate anime series in alternate timelines, the initial Blood: The Last Vampire is oddly uncompelling for something with such a rich franchise following in its wake.  Hiroyuki Kitakubo's direction is effectively stylish at times, creating artful transitions and maintaining a flowing enough pace, all things considered.  It is more the story itself that does not gain any interesting footing or follow through enough with the elements it offers up.  Acting more like a teaser than anything, the forty-eight minute length is ill-suited considering how little is done with it.  We are introduced to a mysterious, demon-hunting society and given a brief glimpse into but one of their missions before a character that was barely established takes over as narrator and the credits role just as quickly as we got in.  As the set pieces are nothing more than a brooding, enigmatic young woman being highly proficient with a katana against generic monsters and schoolgirls sporting sharp teeth, it is hardly offering up any wheel-inventing concepts.  Its fine, just barely warranting the deeper dive it was inevitably given.

VAMPIRE HUNTER D: BLOODLUST

(2000)

Dir - Yoshiaki Kawajiri

Overall: GOOD

Fifteen years later, a sequel was finally unveiled for 1985's rather landmark anime Vampire Hunter D in the form of Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust.  Based off of the third novel Demon Deathchase in Hideyuki Kikuchi's series for the character with a new creative team including director Yoshiaki Kawajiri, (Wicked City, Ninja Scroll), the story pits D not only against a more benevolent, vampiric foe, but also his bodyguards which include a werewolf with a mouth in his chest, a shapeshifter, and a shadow sorcerer.  On top of even that, a competing group of mercenaries with their own superhuman skills are after the same prize and it all ends up going down in a haunted castle so elaborately mammoth that it can only result in lifelong wet dreams for any Gothic undead fan.  The design work is exceptional here and the settings and numerous battle sequences are consistently inventive and beautifully done.  While most of the characters are present to merely showcase their individual quirks, the main ones are given plenty of backstory to raise the stakes and make for a more compelling ordeal than just a bunch of gory, over the top monster throw-downs.

KING OF THORN

(2009)

Dir - Kazuyoshi Katayama

Overall: MEH

 

An adaptation of Yūji Iwahara's manga series of the same name, the full-length, anime film King of Thorn, (Ibara no Ou), takes considerable narrative liberties with the plotline, including a different ending amongst other things.  Directed and co-written by Kazuyoshi Katayama, it carries quite an ambitious arc and is exquisitely animated and designed.  After an intriguing set up, the second act is straight-forward and ultimately the most rewarding as a group of survivors try to simultaneously outrun and make sense of their dangerous, thorn and monster infested surroundings, with more layers being pulled back as to each of their purposes in some kind of post apocalyptic, virus-infected conspiracy.  Sadly, the last section of the movie spirals into mind-melting extravagance and becomes annoyingly impenetrable.  Characters keep hallucinating, re-living flashbacks, or not doing either for all the viewer can decipher.  It rapidly bounces between such topsy-turvy situations with incessant expository dialog dumps that only make things more ill-defined.  In a more surreal context, this could have been rewarding instead of merely looking quite fantastic yet also being hopelessly challenging. 

2000's Asian Horror Part Nine

DUMPLINGS

(2004)

Dir - Fruit Chan

Overall: MEH

 

Released the same year as the anthology outing Three... Extremes, Dumplings, (Jiǎozi, Gaau2zi2), is a mere full-length expansion of the short segment baring its name from the other film.  It differs naturally from its more condensed version by adding subplots which expand upon the arcs and backstories of certain characters.  The ending is also different and may or may not be preferable to the already acceptably macabre one from Three... Extremes.  While it retains the same level of uncomfortable creepiness, it is a bit of a shame that things do not quite come together in a more satisfying way.  The extended story elements do not really add anything too interesting overall as no darkly compelling lore is brought into the proceedings to make the outcome any more engaging than it already was in its shortened form.  The finish here is more disappointingly open-ended than ambiguous as well.  Though it has an extra hour or so to play with its material, it does not particularly do so to any more rewarding of an end.

SHUTTER

(2004)

Dir - Banjong Pisanthanakun/Parkpoom Wongpoom

Overall: MEH

 

Remade three different times in as many countries, Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom's Shutter, (Chattoe: Kot Tit Winyan), is a typical J-horror entry even though it is technically from Thailand.  Typical in the fact that ghosts once again inhabit technology; cameras in this case where vengeful spirits show up as blurry images or blink and you will miss them faces buried behind other people.  It is atmospheric in parts and gives its story plenty of time to unveil its layers.  There is a hefty reliance on genre cliches though, too many to make the film stand out from the hordes of similar movies out there.  A female spectre in a schoolgirls uniform with blood pouring from her whited-out eyes with a weird mother living out in the boonies, characters witnessing spooky things and not mentioning them to anyone, an expert on the supernatural showing up to drop some expository dialog, nightmare sequences, obligatory plot twists, and the standard amount of jump scares are all present amongst other such tropes.  It might not be all that clever or unique, but it is adequately well made in a pedestrian fashion at least.

 

13 BELOVED

(2006)

Dir - Chookiat Sakveerakul

Overall: MEH

The ambitious, enormously dark comedy 13 Beloved, (13 Game Sayong), is the sophomore effort from Thai filmmaker Chookiate Sakveerakul, here credited as Matthew Chukiat Sakwirakul.  A bit of Twilight Zone meets Saw meets Falling Down, the movie is an adaptation of the "13 Quiz Show" episode of the My Mania graphic novel by Eakasit Thairaat.  It is also clearly a commentary on reality TV, sadistic voyeurism, and horrific human capabilities brought on by desperation and a severely mangled childhood.  The premise is successfully unnerving and Sakveerakul makes it through the entire, exhausting ordeal without losing any momentum.  One or two of the set pieces are too gruesome or nauseating to enjoy, which regrettably pushes the movie into torture porn terrain even while it is doing so in a somewhat sly and amusing fashion.  It is not until the final act that the tone shifts more noticeably, dropping the comedic angle and going for something quite grim and serious.  Sadly, the conclusion does not really live up to the nerve-wracking build as it comes off more pretentious than profound.  The movie has a handful of interesting moments and even some genuinely funny ones, but it is also too unpleasant and unfocused to result in anything close enough to satisfying.

2000's American Horror Part Eleven

FRAILTY
(2001)
Dir - Bill Paxton
Overall: MEH

The first of two directorial efforts from Bill Paxton, (and his first time behind the lens since Barnes & Barnes' "Fish Heads" music video, arguably the weirdest ever made outside of whatever the hell Cecelia Condit's Possibly in Michigan is), Frailty is conventionally structured yet still disturbing enough to work throughout parts of it.  Mathew McConaughey gets his obligatory shirtless scene out of the way early on and then provides the role of solemn expository dialog man while Paxton, Powers Boothe, and child actors Matt O'Leary and Jeremy Sumpter play things just as straight.  Behind the lens, Paxton creates a consistent, serious tone, which is impressive considering that the subject matter approaches being too implausible for the viewer to become invested in.  That said, it is a bit too clean and pedestrian looking and the atmosphere never rises above that of an adequately made if not all too frightening TV movie.  Also, a handful of plot twists within the final fifteen or so minutes come off a bit forced.  It is fine work for what it is, but does not take enough exciting chances with the material, at least not enough successfully exciting ones.

MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN
(2005)
Dir - Bruce Campbell
Overall: GOOD
 
Charm goes a long way in Bruce Campbell's non-documentary, full-length debut Man with the Screaming Brain; a Roger Corman B-movie parody that is purposely stupid and would only be half as watchable without its writer/director/star's involvement.  Initially distributed by Syfy and shot in Bulgaria to save on what are clearly already minuscule production costs, it takes full advantage of the setting with Stacy Keach and Ted Raimi rocking Russian accents and a plot line that involves Campbell's American businessman literally sharing a brain with a local taxi driver after both are murdered by a jealous gypsy.  Mayhem ensues of course with a handful of other ridiculous side-arcs that are happening simultaneously, none of which are taken seriously by anyone on board.  This is a plus as the cast sells a series of gags that are groan-worthy on paper, yet Campbell's long career in campy genre fare makes him a logical person to be calling the shots here, even if he has an awkward sense of staging at times.  It would no doubt lose its dopey camp appeal if it was a slicker production, so the crude makeup effects, set design, and clumsy execution is not only enduring, but also essential to such a throwback that is in on its own joke.

TEETH
(2007)
Dir - Mitchell Lichtenstein
Overall: GOOD

This amusing full-length debut from Mitchell Lichtenstein rides a razor-thin line, approaching its sensitive subject matter from a multitude of angles.  It can technically be seen as a dark comedy and it both gets very dark and very comedic at various intervals.  As a film dealing with teenage sexuality and the vagina dentata folk tale while poking fun at stereotypes associated with Bible-quoting abstinence groups, metalhead rejects, horny high schoolers, and middle class suburbia, it has a lot on its plate to work with.  The tone is occasionally awkward, but this is not necessarily unfitting as many of the plot points are just as uncomfortable.  Lichtenstein goes for laughs when he can, using the story's inherent absurdity as well as some very graphic set pieces to provide gross-out chuckles while in effect contrast other far more harrowing events that take place.  In the lead, Jess Weixler carries the bulk of the film's complex weight and she is routinely fantastic on screen with such a burden.  While the story does not adhere to logic per se, things make a whole lot more sense if looked at from a fairytale perspective and the some of its conflicting parts uniquely fit into each other.

2000's American Horror Part Ten

FINAL DESTINATION

(2000)

Dir - James Wong

Overall: MEH

 

No better and no worse than any of the umpteenth teenager-popcorn-crowd-targeted horror films that regularly drop every year is The X Files alumni James Wong's directorial debut Final Destination.  Initially penned by screenwriter Jeffrey Riddick as a spec script for potential X Files use, one could argue if it would have suited a more condensed television format better than launching a five-deep franchise.  With a cast comprised of almost exclusively clean, attractive, made-up young Caucasian actors, everyone gets a chance to deliver laughable dialog in an idiotic attempt to make the proceedings seem more profound.  It is this straight-faced tone that works profoundly to the movie's disadvantage.  As the real hook is in seeing characters succumb to their ridiculously elaborate demise, how serious the moronic plot and "logic" is taken cannot help but to become unintentionally embarrassing.  If the entire film played up the schlock instead of trying to balance it with a multitude of sincere monologues about Death's plan set to sorrowful music, then it would have been more fun than annoying.

 

THE LAST WINTER

(2006)

Dir - Larry Fessenden

Overall: MEH

Regular B-movie horror mainstay Larry Fessenden offers up another directorial effort with The Last Winter, a sort of psychological version of John Carpenter's The Thing if it had an environmental angle woven into it as well.  Written by Fessenden and Robert Leaver, it plays far less on conventional horror tropes than it does on character dynamics, only unveiling its genre-centric makings in sparing doses and well into the film.  While this and some solid performances effectively make the plight of the people in the story properly engaging, things unfortunately come to a muddled, ill-focused conclusion.  It is unclear what questions are being asked or even what issues are on the table.  On top of that, the supernatural components are perplexing and vague, giving it a very rushed feel in the final act.  Forgiving some minor CGI blunders, the production is professionally up to par though, marking an improvement over Fessenden's previous two excursions behind the lens in Wendigo and Habit which at least looked a bit on the amateurish side.  

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN

(2008)

Dir - Ryuhei Kitamura

Overall: WOOF

 

Clive Barker's second production credit through he and Jorge Saralegui's Midnight Picture Show company, The Midnight Meat Train is a wildly poor-scripted mess.  An adaptation of Barker's own story of the same name by Japanese filmmaker Ryuhei Kitamura and written by Jeff Buhler, it is not altogether terrible throughout the first two acts outside of some downright laughable CGI effects which remain glaringly distracting throughout the entire film.  Not as glaringly distracting as the astronomical plot holes and moronic character behavior that take center stage once the movie is revving up to its nonsensical finish line.  Dracula Dead and Loving It amounts of blood spew out of bodies, levels of bodily harm are inflicted that could not possibly be survived yet are, characters get from point A to B as if scenes are missing or they completely forgot what just happened to them, and Bradley Cooper and Leslie Bibb make the poorest, most illogical choices that could possibly be made for people in their situation.  All would be a hoot if not for the fact that everyone involved seems absolutely oblivious to the level of schlock going off the rails and by playing it straight, the end result could not be more embarrassing.

2000's American Horror Part Nine

SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE

(2000)

Dir - E. Elias Merhige

Overall: MEH

 

While certainly entertaining in parts, E. Elias Merhige's Shadow of the Vampire is more curious than anything.  Co-produced by Nicolas Cage for his Saturn Films company and written by Steven Katz, it is never quite clear what the true motive behind the movie is which can be seen as either a detriment or part of the charm.  As a film about a film, it offers up a compelling look into the silent era, particularly German Expressionism and the obsessiveness and pretentiousness of movie-making in general.  Choosing one of the most lauded works of its time period in F.W. Murnau's Nosferatu to look at, the behind the scenes dramatizations are legitimately intriguing.  It is when things step outside of this into its own horror movie terrain that it falls apart or at the very least becomes puzzling and mildly uncomfortable because of it.  Willem Dafoe's eccentric performance as Max Schreck via an actual member of the undead is wonderfully fun, but the story never seems to find a strong enough footing for his place or even purpose in being such a thing in the presented context.  If it was a bit more penetrable, then the humor could have connected more effortlessly instead of challengingly.

SLITHER
(2006)
Dir - James Gunn
Overall: GOOD

 

Troma alumni James Gunn with his full-length writer/director debut Slither chose to throwback to the good ole "alien menace takes over a small town" days.  While it is purposely similar to known, cult-followed works such as The Blob, Night of the Creeps, Society, and Shivers, Gunn's script is routinely funny if not particularly concerned with being all that fear-inducing.  It does have skin-crawling charm in spades though and the entire cast is thankfully very much in on the nasty fun.  The always likable Nathan Fillion and Elizabeth Banks make solid leads, but Michael Rooker was rarely funnier than as a mutated, horned-up hillbilly who kick-starts the whole slimy, bug-infested zombie fest.  Both the dialog and gross-out gore benefits wonderfully from the R rating as the movie incessantly goes for and gets laughs amongst all of its slimy filth and leisure vulgarity.  Naturally, the CGI effects are awful compared to the practical ones, but there are enough of the latter to forgive the former, particularly in the globby, splattery finale.  As far as horror movies being knowingly derivative with a solid nod and wink, this is about as adequate as they get.

SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
(2007)
Dir - Tim Burton
Overall: MEH

 

Tim Burton's third musical in a row and another in a long line of adaptations and/or remakes of other works for the increasingly stagnant director, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street is the dark, dreary, mega-budgeted cinematic version of Stephen Sodenheim's stage musical of the same name.  Both the most sing-songy and most gory of Burton's works, the film will be a near torturous chore for those appreciative of either.  Likewise, for those who have long grown tired of the filmmaker's lack of original scripts, whimsically Gothic indulgences, and now comical insistence of working exclusively with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, this will also sit as uncomfortably as ever.  Burton takes his penchant for gloom to extremes here as the movie's color pallet is saturated to look a stone's throw away from Ed Wood.  The liberal amounts of splattery, crimson blood and Sacha Baron Cohen's circus performer-esque wardrobe are about the only exceptions to the depressing, muted tones and Depp and Carter look like Hot Topic emo kids donning period costumes for Halloween.  On the plus side, the music from the celebrated play is strong as are the vocal chops of the cast, even Depp who had to undergo singing lessons to catch up to his contemporaries here.  Otherwise, it is mostly a bombastic pass though.

2000's American Horror Part Eight

SESSION 9

(2001)

Dir - Brad Anderson

Overall: GOOD

For the majority of Brad Anderson's first break from romantic comedies in Session 9, things go off without a hitch.  The cast is strong and save for one or two very scripty monologues near the beginning and some textbook, horror movie phrases at the end, the dude-centric dialog is convincing.  The screenplay by Anderson and Stephen Gevedon, (who also appears as Mike in the film), is well-structured and uses the effortlessly creepy setting of the real life Danvers State Mental Hospital in Massachusetts, (as well as numerous scenes of characters listening to old tape recordings of split-personality inmates), rather engagingly.  That the movie does not manage to come off as generic as it probably should remains its most impressive quality, making the story itself more interesting than its spooky, well-executed if familiar set pieces.  The subversive presentation ultimately bypasses the somewhat lackluster finale and one or two hokey moments such as David Curoso's famous "Hey...fuck you!" meme per example.  With more missteps avoided than not, it is genuinely an admirable offering.

 

MURDER PARTY

(2007)

Dir - Jeremy Saulnier

Overall: GOOD

 

The first non-short, directorial effort from filmmaker Jeremy Saulnier and he and his friend's makeshift, somewhat unofficial production company Lab of Madness, Murder Party is about as dark as dark comedies get.  The premise is funny enough on paper which is always a good sign, but the way the film escalates its disturbingness in such a controlled manner that nevertheless manages to reach off-the-walls wackiness is quite impressive, especially for a full-length, indie debut.  As the title would suggest, there is a party (or two) and a whole lot of murder.  Pulling no punches whatsoever with the abundant amount of gore and throwing in little details like a cranked-out dog, a woman having an allergic reaction to non-organic raisins, and a werewolf mask catching on fire and getting fused to a guy's screaming face, there is a level of glee to be had by how much hilariously alarming set pieces keep popping up.  Much of the film is so ridiculous that no one could possibly mistake it for anything but a comedy, though Saulnier somehow never manages to make such absurdity come off as corny or cheap.  Instead, it is as enjoyable as a bulldozing experience can be for something so equally upsetting and hilarious.

 

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS

(2008)

Dir -  Jay Lee

Overall: MEH

 

D-rent and proudly so, writer/director/cinematographer/editor Jay Lee's Zombie Strippers is truth in advertising 101.  There are strippers, there are zombies, the end.  Paying any mind to the embarrassing social commentary or dumb-ass plot would be a waste of anyone's time.  Since the movie is positively idiotic and its only goal is to show boobs and gore while being idiotic, it achieves such a thing entertainingly for those who feel the one-note joke of the title can sustain itself for ninety-minutes in any context, let alone this one.  The combination of straight to late night cable soft-core-ness, Troma-adjacent splatter, and jokes that are meant to be funny because of how not funny they are, it certainly tests the threshold of exhaustability.  A small handful of moments are worth a chuckle, but the execution is so predominantly cheap and lame-brained that it is quite natural to yawn-out during the proceedings.  Thus is the case even when Jenna Jameson is battling a fellow naked zombie in a strip-off while shooting billiard balls out of her vagina.

2000's American Horror Part Seven

CITIZEN TOXIE: THE TOXIC AVENGER IV

(2000)

Dir - Lloyd Kaufman

Overall: MEH

 

In many ways a contender for the most Troma of all Troma movies, Lloyd Kaufman and his band of shameless misfits go to all the extremes conceivably possible in Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV.  As Stan Lee of all people announces at the beginning, this installment disregards the last two "rotten sequels", but canon concerns are hardly of importance.  What is important to all parties involved is cramming fart noises, body liquids, and offensively juvenile jokes in every possible frame and line of dialog.  Dialog such as "Somehow your wiener has miraculously turned into a vagina", "I have become...the Retarded Revenger", "Fill my chocolate starfish with your chunky chunky dick snot", and "Oh gross, this whisky tastes like pregnant lady piss".  Kaufman keeps things moving at a frenzy, forcing any opportunity to make fun of the movie's own way off-color stupidity, as well as retarded people, minorities, racists, and homosexuals.  For fans of Troma's unabashed, gross-out shtick, this one has everything to disgust, appall, and please.  For everyone else, just leave out the please part and you get the idea.

 

MONSTER HOUSE

(2006)

Dir - Gil Kenan

Overall: GOOD

 

This full-length debut from animator/director Gil Kenan, backed by the production studios formed by both Robert Zemeckis and Stephen Spielberg is a conventionally charming and witty family movie with enough macabre elements to please horror fans.  Monster House features the same motion capture animation used in Zemekis' The Polar Express from two years prior and it is innocently cartoony and as effective as any Pixar property currently being made.  The well-known supporting cast of Steve Buscemi, Kevin James, Maggie Gylennhaul, and Jason Lee fare well and funny enough against the three leads in Mitchel Musso, Sam Lerner, and Spencer Locke, though Nick Cannon is a bit obnoxious as a stereotypical, skittish police rookie.  The story while not intricate or mysterious is kept engaging due to Kenan's flowing direction and pacing, plus the script by Dan Harmon, Rob Schrab, and Pamela Pettler, (all of whom have noteworthy resumes of their own), has enough amusing components and mild sprinklings of adult humor present to keep older age demographics tuned in.  It is nothing too astonishing, but it achieves its goal as fun, expertly crafted popcorn fare.

THE SIGNAL

(2007)

Dir - David Bruckner/Dan Bush/Jacob Gently

Overall: MEH

Boasting a promising enough creative team behind it, (including one of the Southbound and V/H/S directors David Bruckner), The Signal has an excellent premise and some very funny moments, but does not bring its working elements together by the end.  Broken up into three segments, (each handled by one of the three filmmakers), The Signal can be reviewed more as an anthology horror movie even if it tells a single story.  Beginning on a creepy and interesting note, the second act goes a jarringly different route and the film becomes a full blown comedy for about thirty minutes.  Though it is still certainly enjoyable, the tone shift is very harsh and arguably a little sloppy.  So whether or not it was a good idea to make it more episodic is really up to the viewer's particular taste.  The final act though kicks right back into serious gear and by that point, things unfortunately becomes a bit tedious, (this is another movie where characters get the ever loving shit beat out of them to the point that they should be crippled, brain dead, or dead dead and instead keep dramatically reemerging with all of their strength and speed).  There are a few too many elements that tarnish the experience, though it is impressive enough in most respects.

2000's Foreign Horror Part Twelve

FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED

(2000)

Dir - Brian Yuzna

Overall: WOOF

 

Pure, unmitigated, gleefully gross-out, wackadoo garbage for the sheer sake of it, Brian Yuzna's laughable, filthy, ultra-violent, extreme-metal schlock-fest Faust: Love the the Damned is a shamelessly neanderthal-brained adaptation of Tim Vigil and David Quinn's comic book character of the same name.  There is not a solitary ounce of subtlety anywhere in the proceedings.  Mark Frost in the lead seems to be going for some kind of over acting award, crossing his eyes, constantly slipping his accent, and bouncing between inexplicably silly Nicolas Cage via Jim Carey mannerisms like someone desperate to gorge on every ounce of scenery at his disposal.  That is all before he even turns into a rubber suit-wearing Wolverine/Batman/Spawn hybrid that would rather implode than stop making "Somebody stop me!" one-liners.  Elsewhere, B-movie regulars Jeffrey Combs and Andrew Divoff seem downright restrained in comparison, even though their and everyone else's dialog has got to be parodying every lame action/horror hybrid movie that come before to warrant its atrociousness.  Just to make sure it crosses even more "Satan, blood, fire, and yelling" cliches off the list, the soundtrack by Roadrunner Records is full of groove, industrial, death, and nu metal bands making the pathetic attempt at bad-assery even more embarrassing.  It was made for bad movie night that is for damn sure.

LINKEROEVER

(2008)

Dir - Pieter Van Hees

Overall:  MEH

The debut full-length Linkeroever, (Left Bank), from Flemish filmmaker Pieter Van Hees is technically well made, well acted, and has a consistency grounded tone, but it falls short of its would-be eerie potential.  While the occult-themed components are certainly sprinkled throughout, they are routinely glossed over to the point of bare minimal importance.  Because of this, it barely feels like it isa horror film for large portions of it, that is until its rather abrupt genre shift in the final ten minutes.  While this is not problematic on paper, the whole thing comes off awkwardly clumsy under these circumstances.  The puzzling clues simply do not appear all that menacing, so there is not a slow-boil type dread built up.  When then movie does finally reveal its true motives, it is both confusing from a narrative perspective and very jarring in how rushed the final moments come off with questions left unanswered just as quickly as they are raised in the first place.  There are many other films of a similar nature that take a more naturalistic or even "gritty" approach to such material heading in this direction, but Van Hees fails to provide enough if really any suspense here and that is a ultimately a bit of a shame.

PONTYPOOL
(2008)
Dir - Bruce McDonald
Overall: GOOD

The phrase “jump the shark” is used primarily to describe that moment where a television show takes a sharp or even subtle turn in an ill-advised direction that never again steers it back to what originally made it work.  Bruce McDonald's nearly faultless Pontypool does the horror movie equivalent of that exact same thing.  The first two thirds of the film, all hyperbole aside, are astonishingly well done.  The level of mystery the film ominously builds up is increasingly strange, plus the unsettling set pieces are captivating in a way only very few genre films are ever able to achieve.  This ends up being the movie's downfall though as McDonald unfortunately builds up so much to a would-be satisfying conclusion that he insurmountably cannot deliver on such a thing.  It comes so close yet ultimately, so far.  What is great here is unbelievably great, so much so that it bypasses the enormously disappointing last chapter.  The discussion afterwards may be unavoidably tied into what went horribly, horribly wrong, but for many, that may be a worthwhile price to pay for how profound of a near landmark it could have been.

2000's Foreign Horror Part Eleven

SAINT ANGE
(2004)
Dir - Pascal Laugier
Overall: MEH
 
French director Pascal Laugier started off his full-length career with the bog-standard, creepy orphanage movie Saint Ange, (House of Voices).  Everything here from the beaten down location, somber performances, haunting piano music, and vague supernatural occurrences are presented in an identical way that various other such films have presented them.  This is all perfectly fine if any number of things like a sufficiently eerie mood, intriguing mystery, or skin-crawling scares are also thrown into the mix.  Sadly, none of the above are on display here.  Virginie Ledoyen's protagonist is terribly underwritten and seems perpetually bored to be on camera, while Lou Doillon takes every aspect of her portrayal right out of the "crazy people off of their meds with a wild, unkempt haircut" rulebook.  Not to exclusively hark on the the movie's unoriginality, but it really cannot be understated how problematic it is in elevating so much as a single scene into something that will be remembered mere seconds after the credits roll.  When things do try and get trippy, the completely uninteresting story makes such moments seem more random and incoherent than anything else.  Lucio Fulci's favorite leading lady Catriona MacColl shows up for a couple of scenes though so at least it has that going for it.

ANTIBODIES
(2005)
Dir - Christian Alvart
Overall: GOOD

Filmmaker Christian Alvart has delivered a steady stream of thriller/horror/sci-fi outings since around the turn of the century, (both in and out of his home country), and his second entry Antibodies, (Antikörper), is in many ways a German Silence of the Lambs.  There is even a joke made early on where the psychotic pedophile murderer, (an appropriately vile André Hennicke), proclaims "What did you expect, Hannibal Lecter?".  That is not the only nod to arguably the most well-known and respected "interview a serial killer behind bars who plays mind games with you" FBI profiling thriller ever made and in many respects, this one ups the unpleasantness while still successfully adhering to the formula.  The conventional structure and familiar plot points do not end up jeopardizing the whole though, as it is still exciting to witness a wrap-up that successfully gets under one's skin.  While it certainly will not be for all tastes in this respect, most of the uncomfortable moments are delivered through dialog as opposed to being explicitly shown in an irritating, torture-porn shock value way; something that is always nice for a change.
 

FIDO
(2006)
Dir - Andrew Currie
Overall: GOOD

Throwing domesticated zombies into Leave It to Beaver suburbia proves to be quite an enjoyably silly pastiche in Canadian filmmaker Andrew Currie's Fido.  The initial script by Currie, Robert Chomiak, and Dennis Heaton was written twelve years earlier, finally emerging somewhat unfortunately when both serious zombie movies and parodies of them were a dime a dozen.  Despite the walking corpse over-saturation, this one takes an angle that is pretty distinguishable from the rest.  It is not like you are going to see a zombie milkman accompanied by an exaggerated, whimsical, G-rated musical score anywhere else.  The detailed, sugar-coated set design and throwback newsreel footage are flawlessly convincing for the 1950s, alternate reality setting and they mix hilariously with both the gore and simply bizarre elements like Carrie-Anne Moss's textbook housewife gaining genuine feelings for Billy Connolly's undead title character.  It all has a macabre, quasi-perversity to it that puts thing squarely in the spoof category and Currie knows just how to maximize the amount of goofy joy to be had out of such a juxtaposition that by all logical means, should never work on paper.

2000's Foriegn Horror Part Ten

DARKNESS
(2002)
Dir - Jaume Balagueró
Overall: MEH

Front and back loaded with practically every "family moves into an old isolated haunted house in the country and starts arguing" cliche known to man, Jaume Balagueró's Darkness is impossibly derivative.  The formulaic nature is not limited to the dark mystery revolving around the spooky setting and things like electricity not working, toys turning on by themselves, laughably creepy pictures being found, photographs showing things naked to the eye, phone lines being blocked by ghostly voices, kids making disturbing drawings, forlorn and ominous characters lingering around for expository dialog dumps, etc. People see unexplained things and either do not mention them, are not believed by anyone if they do, or such things simply are not taken seriously.  Nearly every supernatural occurrence on screen is accompanied by the same stock sound effects or musical cues in every other such movie to the point where you could die of alcohol poising having a drinking contest over how many violin screeches and loud bangy noises show up.  The issue with the sheer, overwhelming number of unoriginal components is that the story which is not very interesting to begin with has absolutely no chance of being engaging.  Which leaves only a checklist of crap seen a billion times by now.

 

DEAD END
(2003)
Dir - Jean Paptise Andrea/Fabrice Canepa
Overall: WOOF

There is a nifty, otherworldly premise utilized in French filmmakers Jean Paptise Andrea and Fabrice Canepa's debut Dead End that very tragically gets handled in a multitude of awful ways.  First off, the choice to make the film comedic is a terrible move both in how obnoxious all of the characters are, (particularly Mick Cain who is a parody of a smart-ass teenager that in any realistic situation would have gotten the ever loving shit beat out of him numerous times over to stop him talking to his parents the way that he does), and also because this clashes very poorly with the often severe and creepy mood the movie simultaneously goes for.  Traumatic things happen to the family in this movie, emotional breakdowns transpire, and when characters smoke a joint and dance around soon afterwards or start talking like people with Alzheimer's disease for laughs, it is a messy contrast.  The tone issues are the biggest detriment and it is also not helped by the crummy, second-rate performances, sadly including Ray Wise who seems to be overdoing it most of the time.  The piss-poor script though is really to blame while a dysfunctional family unloads cliches at each other as they mentally deteriorate when instead there is much more interesting and frightening things taking place that are given far too little screen time in comparison.

 

REQUIEM
(2006)
Dir - Hans-Christian Schmid
Overall: MEH

 

While not a horror film in any conventional or otherwise sense, German filmmaker Hans-Christian Schmid's Requiem finds inspiration from the infamous, real life case of Anneliese Michel who died at the age of twenty-three from malnourishment and dehydration after undergoing sixty-seven exorcisms.  The film gets by on its bare-bones presentation which favors handheld camerawork and very little incidental music.  The lead performance by Sandra Hüller as Michaela Klingeler, (a young woman struggling with epilepsy and a dysfunctional dynamic with her strongly religious parents), is also quite strong.  It is a shame then that the film seems oddly rushed, particularly in its final act and very abrupt ending.  Klingeler's overall relationships and eccentric personality are ill-defined and it is not quite clear to the viewer how either she or the ones trying to help her are processing her particular ailments.  There are plenty of redeemable qualities to be sure, but they do not quite elevate it above the murky narrative.

2000's British Horror Part Four

DOG SOLDIERS
(2002)
Dir - Neil Marshall
Overall: MEH

Neil Marshall's full-length debut Dog Soldiers is basically Predator and Night of the Living Dead thrown into a blender, except sillier and more gory than either.  Oh, and also with werewolves.  Marshall is not so much interested in creating a slow-boil level of dread and then unleashing it in an aggressively terrifying manner here as he did superbly with his follow up The Descent.  Instead, this is overtly comedic and over the top, with British, military badasses screaming and swearing some pretty funny dialog at each other while shooting off gallons of ammo.  There is also plenty of absolutely ridiculous set pieces, (a human and a werewolf engaging in a fist fight anyone?), all sorts of things getting blown up, and even some organs literally pouring out of a man's stomach.  Davos Seaworth is an asshole in it as well.  Good times!  All that said, it is overall less engaging than it sounds and more a combination of action movie hijinks dialed to eleven than a consistently solid movie.  It is worth a chuckle or two though.

DONKEY PUNCH
(2008)
Dir - Olly Blackburn
Overall: MEH

The somewhat ambitious Donkey Punch from Olly Blackburn, (who also made the unbelievably awful Kristy as his second and to date last full-length), ultimately bites off more than it can chew.  Large parts of the film are grounded in reality; the violence is awkward and messy and exclusively brought on by extreme acts of panic and desperation.  As things go on though, the script has an impossible task of making the rash choices that its characters engage in seem plausible.  Too many moments dip their toes into schlock while trying to simultaneously ground them in reality.  Characters at one moment seem believably remorseful only to switch to almost cartoon-villain levels of scumbaggery.  Once it becomes clear that everyone will be doomed and that the "final girl" has been established from the opening scene, it falls into the trap of conventional slasher movies where it is just a boring waiting game for increasingly awful people to get picked off.  Even though Blackburn tries a different approach here, it does not avoid enough genre pratfalls to work as well as intended.

BOOK OF BLOOD
(2009)
Dir - John Harrison
Overall: MEH

This rather loose adaptation of the linking segment to Clive Barker's "The Book of Blood" and "On Jerusalem Street (A Postscript)" from his Books of Blood collection has an acceptable amount of gore and eroticism, but does not offer much else.  John Harrison's first non-television full-length since 1990's Tales from the Darkside, it is remarkably low on schlock and plays its hand rather seriously. While this keeps the tone tightly consistent, the screenplay by Harrison and Darin Silverman does not offer much beyond typical horror movie tropes and sub-par dialog.  The diluted color pallet, generic Spirit Halloween looking ghosts, poor CGI, stock score, and stock sound effects keep it grimy and gloomy, but everything that happens plot wise is also a predictable mishmash of supernatural ghost hunter cliches.   It is worse though that the characters never become properly fleshed-out even as we spend a great deal of time trying to get to know them.  The film just continues to escalate to a skin-crawling, (and removing), finish line while falling pretty flat in the process.  It is nowhere near the worst bit of celluloid to be based on Barker's works, but it is also nowhere near the best.

2000's Robert Morgan Shorts

THE SEPARATION

(2003)

Overall: GOOD

 

This heartfelt tale of two conjoined twins seemingly removed from each other's physical bodies against their will plays out against Claude Debussy's "Claire de lune" movement.  A clear metaphor of the overall longing for the comfort that the past can offer, the entirety of said twin's lives seems to be summed up in The Separation's running time that is just shy of ten minutes as they are content when together and forlorn when apart.  Robert Morgan's animation is unsettling, but its most gruesome set piece is more emotionally tragic than horrifying.  Thus can be said for the entire film really.

MONSTERS

(2004)

Overall: GOOD

 

Both the first live action film by Robert Morgan and first not to use any stop motion animation, Monsters is a puzzling look into a disturbed child's head and what can manifest inside and out of it.  Ridiculed and threatened by his older sister and primarily brushed-off by his parents, an over active imagination starts blurring the lines of what may or may not be actually happening.  As far as presenting disturbed visuals from a kid's mind, Morgan does quite a job in tapping into such visceral fears.  It is not quite clear what to make of things at the end as it has all been too murky up until then to have the seemingly narrative left-turn appear plausible, but it is effective as a whole all the same.

 

THE CAT WITH HANDS

(2007)

Overall: GOOD

 

Two versions of Robert Morgan's The Cat with Hands exist; one made in 2001 as a "pilot" of sorts to secure funding for future projects and another, more fleshed-out one that was released in 2007.  While the initial installment which showcases but one scene is a bit darker and void of dialog, its ambiguity makes it somewhat more unsettling than its future counterpart.  That said, the latter, (which is presented more as a dark fairytale and features live actors as well as stop motion animation), is satisfyingly creepy in its own right.  It is also more gleefully macabre, with Morgan presumably having a bit more fun with the material the second time around.

OVER TAKEN

(2009)

Overall: MEH

 

Robert Morgan's entry in the Branchage Film Festival's 2009 48-Hour Film Challenge, Over Taken is unapologetically baffling, most likely for the mere sake of it.  A woman prances around a beach as a claymation stick figure ogles her with almost completely indecipherable dialog.  Meanwhile, a melancholy piano pieces plays throughout and at one point another woman shows up, laughs a bit, then gets beaten and stepped on by the first woman.  As it was made so quickly under the predetermined confines of the festival, attaching much meaning to the proceedings is a bit of a grasping-at-straws endeavor.  For those that enjoy pure, avant-garde befuddlement though, Morgan assuredly delivers it here that is for sure.

2000's Asian Horror Shorts

COMEDY
(2002)
Dir - Kazuto Nakazawa
Overall: GOOD

Part of Studio 4°C's shorts collection Sweat Punch, Comedy, (Kigeki), was directed by Kazuto Nakazawa who Westerners might be familiar with as the guy that did the anime segment in Quintin Tarantino's Kill Bill as well as doing the animation for Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit" video.  Essentially a vampire story though it deliberately does not come out and officially proclaim it, the presentation is that of a dark, mysterious fairytale that is told in flashback by a young woman.  Even with some massive bloodshed near the end, it is all beautifully done and mostly plays out to the tune of Franz Schurbert's famous "Ave Maria", giving it a highly romantic feel.

 

HAZE
(2005)
Dir - Shinya Tsukamoto
Overall: MEH

 

Two versions exist of Shinya Tsukamoto's Haze; a twenty-five minute one initially released and a more unforgiving forty-nine minute one that indulges in torture porn a bit more than is comfortable.  In fact there is very little comfort if any to be found here as it is one of the most brutally claustrophobic works in horror there is.  Tsukamoto's cinematography is relentlessly harsh; it rarely breaks from close-ups lit in a manner one notch above "complete blackness".  Because of this, it is irritatingly difficult to tell what is happening for large portions, though this is no doubt completely intentional.  The ending is curious in a different, less visceral fashion and if anything else, Tsukamoto stays the course for virtually all of his work in challenging his audience in an assuredly confident manner that is quite meritable if not altogether enjoyable.

 

CHAINSAW MAID

(2007)

Dir - Takena Nagao

Overall: GOOD

 

If anyone wanted to know what a scene in Peter Jackson's Braindead might look like if it was done in claymation, Chainsaw Maid would probably satisfy such curiosity.  Simple, silly, and gore-ridden, animator Takena Nagao's second short is exactly what the title suggest.  Some hanky-panky between the title character and the man of the house that she is taking care of, (whatever that is about), gets interrupted by zombies and as you would predict, bloody mayhem ensues.  Nagao's design work is quite crude yet stylized with stark, brightly painted paper sets and zombies getting hacked in half and puking up piles of intestines that look like Play-Doh.  The intertitles are another humorous touch as there is barely any need for dialog save one moment anyway; it is primarily just hacking and slashing at colorful corpses.