90's American Horror Part Twenty-Three

THE GUARDIAN
(1990)
Dir - William Friedkin
Overall: MEH

 

On paper, The Guardian is notable as being William Friedkin's full-length return to horror, his first go at it since making the most lauded film of all time in the genre with The Exorcist.  Judging by this movie's relative obscurity and lukewarm at best reputation, obviously it is remarkably feeble in comparison.  Part of the reason may be that Friedkin only came on board after Sam Raimi dropped out to make Darkman, Raimi having previously constructed it as a part comedy as he is wont to do.  The end result here bares no such qualities, at least intentionally.  Another issue could be the production problems and on-set script reworkings, further muddling the affair.  Friedkin pulls off some jump scares and goes for nudity and nasty gore once or twice, but any attempted atmosphere is botched by a bland, TV movie-esque presentation.  Wooden and/or hammy performances, obvious ADR readings, and pedestrian dialog give it an unintended camp quality, which is unfortunately about the only "compliment" the movie really deserves.  It is probably best just to forget this one was made and move on accordingly.

 

CANDYMAN 2: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH

(1995)

Dir - Bill Condon

Overall: MEH

The second theatrically released film from director Bill Condon as well as the second installment in the Candyman series, Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh is a typically unsatisfying sequel.  The story switches everything from Cabrini-Green Chicago to New Orleans and plays upon similar, impoverished racial conflicts as well as classicism.  Sadly, it does this in a far less clever and engrossing way than the first film did, using its Cajun setting more for accented gumbo and Mardi Gras references than anything substantially potent. This is empathized by an obnoxious radio personality narration that comes up nearly every time there is a location change.  Condon makes the movie a schlocky, loud mess, criminally indulging in what feels like hundreds of jump scares, each one of which is accompanied by a deafeningly loud screechy noise.  The only moments of silence are right before such boisterous cliche abuse as Philip Glass' choir-heavy score barely ever shuts up as well.  Campy and rushed with a script that is pedestrian at best and nonsensical at worst, it makes the all too common mistake that half-baked horror films do.  This is that it plays itself way too dark and serious to justify its many ridiculous attributes.

THE CRAFT
(1996)
Dir - Andrew Fleming

Overall: MEH

 

Hot Topic - The Movie...I mean The Craft was one of a handful of teenage-centered horror films produced in the 1990s.  Similar to how Joel Schumacher made vampires undeniably hip nine years earlier with The Lost Boys, director Andrew Fleming attempts the same thing with witches here.  He essentially achieves this, at least in a schlocky, B-movie type way.  The script by Fleming and Peter Filardi is rather predictable and plays on the standard "high school outsiders" cliches long established for such films.  It also does not treat its supernatural magic any more or less seriously than say Buffy the Vampire Slayer would, per obvious example.  As far as the cast is concerned, this and Scream released the same year arguably solidified Neve Campbell as the decade's premier scream queen, (no pun intended), but Fairuza Balk and her textbook, Goth-girl features make the most naturally sinister of the four leads.  Besides the conventional structure which is easy to only half pay attention to, a bigger drawback is the awful alt-pop soundtrack that gets off to such a start with one of the worst Beatles covers ever done in Our Lady Peace's "Tomorrow Never Knows".  The clear feminism angle is charming enough and there are some fun, dark set pieces scattered throughout, so as an occasionally inconsistent bit of Gen X camp, it suffices.

90's American Horror Part Twenty-Two

ARMY OF DARKNESS

(1992)

Dir - Sam Raimi

Overall: MEH

The tone shift to full-tilt, aggressively schlock-fueled comedy was complete with Sam Raimi's third Evil Dead installment Army of Darkness.  For those lamenting the genuinely creepy, DIY aesthetics of The Evil Dead uno, this film exists in a completely different universe as well as a completely different historical setting.  At least Raimi built up to such an about-face with the purposely more ridiculous semi-remake The Evil Dead 2 and there can be no mistaking right out of the gate here that bombastic chuckles are solely on the menu.  The humor is certainly an acquired taste, mainly striving on being purposely stupid and exclusively campy.  Bruce Campbell thrives in such a setting, making Ash Williams a yelling, falling down, live-action cartoon character.  From the director's chair, this may be the most Sam Raimi Sam Raimi has ever gotten.  Using his eleven million dollar budget like a caffeine-ridden kid who just got access to his parent's credit card, he goes all out with (occasionally) dated special effects, frantic camera work, medieval fantasy cliches duking it out with each other, and deafening sound design and musical accompaniment.  Though it attempts to be far funnier than it ever gets, it remains essential viewing for anyone jonesing for an R-rated, Looney Tunes version of Jason and the Argonauts.

THINNER

(1996)

Dir - Tom Holland

Overall: MEH

 

Though not as awful as its reputation dictates, Tom Holland's adaptation of Stephen King's Thinner is a downer of a movie that simultaneously indulges in some unintended schlock at times.  Co-scripted by Michael McDowell of Beetlejuice fame, the film has the usual King issue of the premise being stronger than the cinematic execution.  Watching an obese man's body slowly deteriorate due to a gypsy curse does not consistently come off as creepy as it should and often gives way to goofy moments and campy performances.  Robert John Burke is one such uneven casualty of this and Joe Mantegna's crime boss Richie "The Hammer" Ginelli is Fat Tony down to a tee.  The film's biggest issue though is its victimizing main character Billy Halleck whose physical transformation never results in any sort of personal growth.  He is unlikable from the get go and the dark ending slams home such unlikability.  King's initial novel is somewhat to blame for this anti-arc, but the tone Tom Holland sets seems aimed at garnishing sympathy for a self-absorbed narcissist who ultimately deserves none.  Yet if the end result was to present a story where almost everyone in it is different levels of horrible and then balancing that with both macabre and tongue-in-cheek aesthetics, Thinner can be seen as a success.

TERROR FIRMER

(1999)

Dir - Lloyd Kaufman

Overall: GOOD

Troma goes meta with Terror Firmer, a film shamelessly celebrating the production and distribution company.  Directed by Troma founder Lloyd Kaufman and co-written by James Gunn, the premise of a sexually deranged serial killer terrorizing a D-rent movie set allows for endless in-house references to The Toxic Avenger, Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D., and Tromeo and Juliet.  Kaufman plays a blind version of himself and as usual, all other mental and physical handicaps are properly and tastelessly made fun of.  Puss, snot, piss, diarrhea, puke, gay and trans jokes, rape and molestation jokes, innuendos, a punk or metal song playing in nearly every scene, preposterous gore, male and female nudity, inappropriate appearances by actual children, and overall juvenile stupidity check off all the Troma boxes.  In its own ridiculous way, the movie seems to be spoofing filmmaking pretentiousness.  It is certainly no accident that the quest of Kaufman's blind director is to jokingly make some sort of art out of trash and that his attempts are routinely thwarted in doing so.  Mostly though, it is all about laugh out loud moments like a Seinfeld sitcom segment, Lemmy appearing as a news reporter, and most hilarious of all, a fat guy with bandages around his head running around naked in Manhattan.

90's American Horror Part Twenty-One

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

(1990)

Dir- Tom Savini

Overall: GOOD

 

Partly due to the initial film accidentally getting lumped into the public domain, George A. Romero tried to beat the crowd to any remake rights continuing to fall into other's hands which led to the 1990, updated Night of the Living Dead.  Romero penned the script and his frequent collaborator and "king of splatter" Tom Savini took on directing duties as well as his usual special makeup effects.  Up until the last act which detours in a few significant ways, the plot adheres closely to the original which is hardly surprising due to Romero's involvement.  The most noticeable change is the arc of Barbara, (Patricia Tallman), who keeps her wits about her this time and goes the empowered, bad ass final girl route.   Otherwise, the gore is a bit more prominent, there is profanity, and the overall presentation is comparatively more over the top, making it fit in more with the times.  As respectfully and professionally done as it is with all around solid performances to boot, obviously the film cannot dream of comparing to the original in terms of ingenuity or cultural significance.  It still manages to be memorable in a number of ways though.

 

MATINEE

(1993)

Dir - Joe Dante

Overall: GOOD

Blatant nostalgia from front to back yet cleverly structured blatant nostalgia at that, Joe Dante's Matinee is his ultimate B-movie love letter.  Once again teaming up with screenwriter Charles S. Haas after their proceeding and quite ridiculous Gremlins 2: The New Batch, the tone is unmistakably comedic here as well, while the story is genuinely heartfelt.  Set against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis in Key West, Florida, John Goodman's William Castle stand-in Lawrence Woolsey seems gleefully indifferent to such real world events.  He instead delights in putting on a schlock spectacle for the locale crowd, most of whom are high school kids caught up in drama of their own.  Though it gets a bit messy as things grow more over the top and complex, it thankfully manage to stay light and humorous throughout.  Besides Goodman who is excellent as always, the equally strong, young cast is complimented by a hilariously unimpressed scream queen in Cathy Moriarty and fun bit parts from Kevin McCarthy and an unknown Naomi Watts in the two films-within-a-film.  Speaking of which, the radioactive man/ant hybrid premise in Mant becomes quite a convincing genre parody and if there are any complaints to be had, it is that we do not get to see more than a handful of snippets from it.

ALIEN RESURRECTION

(1997)

Dir - Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Overall: MEH

 

The forth and final installment in the initial Alien franchise before Xenomorphs would go on to do battle with Predators and Ridley Scott would return with two prequels, Alien Resurrection also concludes the cinematic arc of Sigourney Weaver's Ripley.  Serving as co-producer again as she had with the previous Alien 3, Weaver is joined by Winona Ryder, (perhaps the least convincing bad ass mercenary in any movie), and fun genre regulars Brad Dourif and Ron Pearlman.  For this round, Joss Whedon was brought on as screenwriter whose seminal Buffy the Vampire Slayer debuted earlier that same year.  Whedon hammered out a handful of scripts before producers were finally satisfied and originally worked it around a clone of Newt from Aliens before the focus once again shifted that concept back to Ripley.  The "haunted house movie in space" tone from the initial film had long been replaced with full-throttle action and this transforms into full-throttle schlock here.  French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet brings in a solid design team and the practical effects are outstanding.  Though things are kept relatively tame during the first act, such restraint does not last long as the entire film degenerates into awful one-liners, laughably implausible set pieces, and loud, wet, explody nonsense.

80's Paul Naschy Part Two

THE BEASTS' CARNIVAL

(1980)

Dir - Paul Naschy

Overall: MEH

A year after serving as producer only for the Japanese film Amor Blanco, (Howaito rabu), Paul Naschy's first proper co-production between that country and his native Spain was the giallo-adjacent The Beasts' Carnival, (El carnaval de las bestias, Human Beasts).  The movie wastes little time, beginning as if they forgot to put the first hour in beforehand.  This in and of itself is a nice change of pace from Naschy's usual insistence on loading the first act up with endless expository dialog exchanges.  The inclusion of an off-screen killer, the semi-rock based theme song, close-ups of eyes, and horny, back-stabbing nature of the characters give it a number of stylistically giallo flourishes.  A few nightmare sequences and the rather nasty ending bring it closer to pure horror territory and the film is quite pessimistic in its overall depiction of human beings.  Clear illusions are drawn between pigs who are bred to be slaughtered and humans who behave in a swine-like fashion.  This is most clear during a comedically grotesque banquet sequence near the end, where house guests dressed in costumes drunkenly gorge themselves.  Though many of the ingredients make for a bizarre finished product, Naschy's pacing is rather dreadful and it ultimately indulges too little in its quirky qualities to keep the viewer steadily engaged.

THE BEAST AND THE MAGIC SWORD
(1983)
Dir - Paul Naschy
Overall: GOOD

The ninth or tenth entry in Paul Naschy's long-running Waldemar Daninsky series and the only one to be a co-production between his native Spain and Japan is The Beast and the Magic Sword, (La Bestia y la Espada Magica).  The dual setting makes it unique as the film begins with a hefty prologue before switching to 16th century Europe and then Japan, where once again Daninsky is desperate for a cure from his lycanthropian curse and seeks out an alleged specialist there.  Never dubbed into English, the film is also rather singular for featuring a slew of Japanese actors dubbed in Spanish.  Despite the Eastern locale, the story is interchangeable with most of the other Daninsky entries and for better or worse, it treats the viewer as if they are coming in completely new to the formula.  It takes nearly thirty minutes to get to any proper werewolf action and as is usually the case, the running time is heavily padded with characters sitting around explaining the same things over and over again, things that most of the audience are already well aware of since we know how these movies work.  Still, it makes excellent, atmospheric use of the period setting, plus ninja battles and probably the only werewolf vs tiger fight in cinema history are both welcome additions to Nashy's usual blood-soaked, hairy carnage.

 

HOWL OF THE DEVIL

(1987)

Dir - Paul Naschy

Overall: MEH

Though it was never theatrically released and still lingers in comparative obscurity amongst the majority of Paul Naschy's major works that have become readily available, Howl of the Devil, (El aullido del diablo), is a fascinating vanity project.  Written, directed, and staring Naschy in the most roles ever in his career, it was made after the collapse of his production company Aconito Films and the death of his father, both events putting the Spanish Wolfman on hiatus for a number of years.  Meant as a no-holds-barred return to the horror genre most beloved by him, Howl of the Devil has an "everything but the kitchen sink" feel to it and is an unmistakable mess in the process.  Also staring Caroline Munro, Howard Vernon, and Nashy's son Sergio Molina, it is at once a bonafide love letter to classic Hollywood monsters as nearly all of his horror films were, but it also tries to be a contemporary slasher movie.  Even by Paul Naschy standards, the plotting is so atrocious that it becomes surreal.  With almost no exceptions, every speaking character delivers the exact same lines between each other in every scene and never before was Naschy's bitterness pushed further to the forefront.  All women at all times are considered life-ruining whores and as a quasi-biographical story where he plays two identical thespian brothers, (one who does horror movies, the other proper theater), with both of them misunderstood losers, it is as nihilistic of a project as the man would ever get made.

80's Paul Naschy Part One

EL RETORNO DEL HOMBRE LOBO

(1980)

Dir - Paul Naschy

Overall: GOOD

 

A strong contender for the most quintessential and all-around best werewolf movie Paul Naschy ever made, El Retorno del Hombre Lobo, (The Return of the Wolf Man, The Craving, Night of the Werewolf), has many attributes coming together in the film's favor.  Most prominently of all is the production itself.  Cinematographer Alejandro Ulloa's photography is top-notch, endlessly drenching most frames in eerie, Gothic atmosphere.  The visual excellence is not limited to the camerawork though as Naschy's Waldemar Daninsky's werewolf makeup easily sets the benchmark not just for his many lycanthropian screen appearances, but wolfman movies in general.  Though many entries in the Daninsky series boasted numerous similarities between them, this is the only one that can be seen as a proper remake, updating 1971's La Noche de Walpurgis with the larger budget and a more classy, polished presentation.  Unfortunately, the pacing drags even as certain plot points are glossed over, which is also common with Nashy's works.  Still, this is undeniably a high, creative watermark for the Spanish wolfman and probably the last approaching-great film he would ever make.

 

MYSTERY ON MONSTER ISLAND
(1981)
Dir - Juan Piquer Simón
Overall: WOOF

Spanish schlock-master Juan Piquer Simón's Mystery on Monster Island, (Misterio en la isla de los monstruos), is a sort-of adaption of Jules Verne's Godfrey Morgan: A Californian Mystery.  A co-production between the US and Spain, it barely features Terence Stamp, Peter Cushing, and Paul Naschy within the first five minutes and is an unabashedly goofy adventure film with hilariously bad rubber suite monsters in place of terribly unfunny intended comedy.  Much of the latter problem falls on the shoulders of David Hatton, who plays a tortuously grating, bumbling professor who falls down and screams like a child in all of his scenes and is in a predominant amount of them.  Then they get a pet monkey and a savage, he tries to teach them proper etiquette, he screams at everything a whole lot more, and it is all about as endurable as you could imagine.  As they all get perpetually besieged by monsters and never run out of bullets until the plot tells them to, (bullets which never harm anything anyway), the film reuses about three pieces of stock music over and over again, occasionally at randomly inappropriate times.  At over an hour and forty minutes, the movie absolutely feels its length that is for sure.

PANIC BEATS

(1983)

Dir - Paul Naschy

Overall: MEH

A quasi-sequel of sorts to 1972's Horror Rises from the Tomb in that it features the same medieval warlock Alaric de Marnac, Paul Naschy took to the director chair this round with Panic Beats, (Latidos de Pánico).  In some ways it can be seen as almost a parody of Naschy films.  This time, three different women are either madly in love with him or pretending to be and the topsy-turvy, backstabbing adultery going on reaches comical levels.  Thankfully it all results in fun, gruesome comeuppance set pieces even though no gore is shown until a full hour and fifteen minutes in.  Naschy's knack for macabre visuals is limited in quantity here though high in quality, especially in the very Tales from the Crypt-esque ending.  The plot is pure nonsense, which is not uncommon in many of the man's works.  Lines like "We're both evil but I'm more evil than you, idiot!" will unmistakably garnish laughter, but the film itself is played both seriously and melodramatically.  It has the usual, silly Euro-horror charm in this respect, just less than would be preferable as most of the screen time is dedicated to endless expository dialog and characters complaining about not being able to wait to kill whoever they are married to in order to get all their inheritance.

80's Jean Rollin

THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTED

(1980)

Overall: GOOD

One of Jean Rollin's most beautiful if still largely impenetrable films, La Nuit des Traquées, (The Night of the Hunted), was made on virtually nothing within a nine day shooting schedule.  Rollin had done a number of adult films at the time and growing bored with such work, he convinced producer Lionel Wallmann to let him make a quasi-horror movie with pornographic actors, once again including the always alluring Brigitte Lahaie.  The result is an incredibly lethargic-paced meditation, relatively low on both nudity and gore but overwhelming with comatose-inducing atmosphere.  As one of Rollin's cinematic trademarks had always been quiet, hypnotic, and very slow moving scenes, a film about victims of an environmental accident whose brain cells deteriorate to the point of becoming zombie-like, human vegetables is perfectly fitting.  Music and dialog are used equally sparingly and switching to a contemporary, urban setting instead of dilapidated chateaus and graveyards, Rollin's ability to evoke a chilling mood is still unwavering.  While appropriate for the material, the film is still too stagnant to recommend to anyone but the most devout Rollin fans, (ideally ones that are loaded up on caffeine as to stay awake), but its setting and haunting themes of succumbing to mental illness are a welcome departure.

ZOMBIE LAKE

(1981)

Dir - Jean Rollin/Julian de Laserna

Overall: WOOF

 

One of the most boring zombie films ever made was the rushed hack-job Zombie Lake, (Le lac des morts vivants).  A French/Spanish co-production that was originally to be directed by Jesus Franco, (and stars one of his mainstays Howard Vernon), Jean Rollin came in with virtually no notice once Franco had a falling out with the distributor.  With the same basic Nazi zombie premise as Ken Wiederhorn's 1977 film Shock Waves except done on a piss poor budget, the entire production seems noticeably uninspired.  Though its arduous pacing may be obvious due to Rollin being behind the lens, the move in fact has none of the filmmaker's strange, dreamlike style.  It is just atrociously dull.  Stilted dubbing, awful makeup effects, a stagnant plot that frequently stops cold in addition to never picking up momentum in the first place, random, stock music; the whole thing feels like it was pieced together while everyone involved was busy doing something else at the same time.  A topless woman runs into a bar screaming "Lake! Lake!", Rollin makes a small appearance where he appears to be kissed to death by zombies, and another wide-eyed zombie makes friends with a small girl, so there are at least a few chuckles to be found if you can stay awake through everything else.

LA MORTE VIVANTE

(1982)

Overall: MEH

 

Returning to his primary theme of beautiful, aloof women succumbing to vampirism or something, Jean Rollin's La Morte Vivante, (The Living Dead Girl), also ups the gore level considerably.  The very opening scene features the undead, zombie-fied blood fiend of the title, (Françoise Blanchard, working with Rollin for the first time here), poking a man's eyeballs out and slicing another one's throat open with her nails, both in fully-lit, close-up detail.  Later on, a woman gets set on fire and another one gets her stomach torn open so there is plenty of nastiness to be sure.  There are some unfortunately annoying characters present as well with a half-American couple eating up screen time while arguing with each other.  Though nudity is still liberally present, the emphasis is less on eroticism than usual for the filmmaker.  The result is more repulsive at regular instances than haunting, which is a shame in that it still flows sluggishly without consistently creating the right mesmerizing mood.  There are still moments that are strangely enticing though and the ending in particular finds the right balance of eeriness and grotesqueness.  It is just a shame that the rest of the film often fails to live up to such a finale.

80's Foreign Horror Part Eleven

GHOSTKEEPER

(1981)

Dir - James Makichuk

Overall: MEH

 

The debut and only theatrically released full-length from Canadian writer/director Jim Makichuk, Ghostkeeper offers a unique twist on the slasher genre, at least on paper.  Set at an empty, (or so they think), isolated, snow-bound location with a minimal cast stranded there, the fundamental premise was utilized either intentionally or not in the 2006 Norwegian film Cold Prey.  The first act is the standard slow-boil which inevitably introduces the unnecessarily cryptic old person of the title who spouts vague warnings and is generally unpleasant.  It continues on as a snore-fest though, giving way to wooden performances, boring characterizations, and the viewer just sitting around waiting for something to happen.  Budgetary problems forced the second half of production to be rushed in fear of abandoning the entire project, so the lackluster ending in particular is understandable to a degree.  Makichuk does emphasis an eerie atmosphere at times, which is helped by Paul Zaza's score and cinematographer John Holbrook who makes good use out of the darkly lit scenery at night.  It is a shame it ends up being so predominantly unremarkable despite such efforts.

DEATH WARMED UP

(1984)

Dir - David Blyth

Overall: MEH

 

An adequate though ultimately forgettable bio-zombie film from New Zealand-born writer/director David Blyth, Death Warmed Up, (Dr. Evil: Part II in the Philippines for some reason), might still be of interest to gore hounds at least.  Two gooey, unflinching brain surgery scenes are present and characters are brutally stabbed, shot, and impaled in motorcycle accidents.  It never goes the full splatter/exploitation route though and plays its dark, occasionally homoerotic undertones rather seriously.  While the performances are uniformly decent and Blyth gets atmospheric use out some borderline cyber punk costume and set designs in the final act, the mostly schlock-free approach to such silly material is a bit off-putting.  The menacing tone still cannot hide the low-budget, B-movie qualities or wildly uninteresting story which haphazardly goes apocalyptic in the end, offering up more head scratches from the audience than anything else.  It is a messy ordeal in more ways than just the blood amount, but also an honorable effort for what it may have set out to achieve.

BAXTER

(1989)
Dir - Jérôme Boivin
Overall: GOOD

Based on Ken Greenhall's novel Hell Hound and serving as the full-length debut from French filmmaker Jérôme Boivin, Baxter manages to be dark and moody while simultaneously veering mildly towards comedy.  The premise itself is amusing where a Bull Terrier provides his own narration as he persists on finding the perfect human companion that mirrors his dispassionate mindset.  Though the story goes to some shocking places, it always steps back from the edge and remains chilling instead of exploitative.  Boivin creates a steady tone this way, keeping an emotional distance from the materiel just as the title K9 and his eventual, highly disturbed master, (a young boy with clear sociopathic tendencies and an unhealthy fixation on Hitler and Eva Braun) seem to possess.  The narrative framework breaks things up into chapters yet regularly introduces characters before they become significant, giving it all a tight construction.  While some moments may be psychologically uncomfortable to sit through, (particularly for parents and dog lovers), it is an interesting and uniquely made work that explores the budding, concerning behavior of youths while humorously making us wonder what our household pets might really be thinking.

80's American Horror Documentaries

COMING SOON

(1982)

Dir - John Landis
Overall: MEH

Serving as both a love letter to and an effective enough promotional tool for Universal Pictures, John Landis' Coming Soon scratches that nostalgia for nostalgia's sake itch effectively enough.  Landis was on a role at the time, having come right off of An American Werewolf in London and recruited Mick Garris here for his first writing gig alongside The Making of The Thing which was produced the same year.  Yes this collection of trailers does feature dialog as it is hosted by Jamie Lee Curtis who was in peak, scream queen form as well in 1982.  The selections are rather standard for the most part.  Pretty much every Universal monster movie is represented as well as Alfred Hitchcok's inventive sneak previews which instead of showing any actual footage from his films, featured the director walking around the set and almost giving away plot points before catching himself.   Some 50s sci-fi and a few more forgettable B-movies get their due as well and the only section that does not fit is some behind the scenes footage from E.T. shoehorned in at the very end.

TERROR IN THE AISLES

(1984)

Dir - Andrew J. Kuehn

Overall: MEH

 

Released theatrically and a commercial success at that, Terror in the Aisles is a cinematic greatest hits of horror movies.  It is fitting that it was directed by Andrew J. Kuehn, the man who contemporized movie trailers in the early 60s.  Cherry picking from eighty thriller and horror films ranging from 1935's Bride of Frankenstein to 1984's Firestarter, Kuehn crafts a kaleidoscope of images by quickly inner-cutting between various works the way a hip-hop producer would use samples.  At least this is when Terror in the Aisles works best, focusing on a particular trope at a time and jumbling up its appropriate clips accordingly.  On the other hand, the narration from hosts Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen gets silly and heavy-handed, especially when it cuts back to the movie theater setting where we get to see the audience member's forced, exaggerated reactions as well.  It is a hit or miss affair in this regard, but for those who have seem many of the films present, this collection may work on a nostalgic level and for film editing aficionados, Kuehn's style is admirable.

MAD RON'S PREVUES FROM HELL

(1987)

Dir - Jim Monaco

Overall: MEH

Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell has some abysmally amatuerish S.O.V. charm to it, but is it essentially another predominantly boring collection of horror trailers, most of which are shown in their entirety.  The premise is too stupid not to laugh at, (or maybe too stupid TO laugh at), and features a dorky ventriloquist and his outrageously unfunny zombie dummy as our hosts.  Mad Ron himself is a dim-witted projectionist and the whole thing takes place in a contemporary movie theater that gradually gets overrun by other rather loud zombies.  The gags are horrendously lame and lowbrow enough to match rather well with the series of exploitation grindhouse previews.  There lies the collection's biggest draw as everything from influential works like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Last House on the Left co-mingle with quire obscure trash like The Undertaker and His Pals and Wildcat Women.  Focusing on such horror works, it provides a sort of checklist for those movies that are primarily living out on the fringes of the mainstream.  The whole thing could probably do without puppets making jokes about their wieners, but who is to say for certain?

80's American Horror Part Forty-Five

FUTURE-KILL
(1985)
Dir - Ronald W. Moore
Overall: MEH

A daft pairing of dystopian sci-fi action and college boner comedy, Future-Kill, (Night of the Alien), is the only directorial effort from Ronald W. Moore and may be of interest to genre fans for containing both Edwin Neal and Marilyn Burns from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Also, H.R. Giger did the poster art because money is a necessary evil in Switzerland too.  Otherwise, we have a cast of nobodies roaming around Austin, Texas who are getting picked off by a toxic-poisoned protestor named Splatter who is dressed like a Mad Max villain, has a penchant for reckless and anti-authoritarian murder, plus he calls a prostitute a "worthless shit cunt" for having the audacity of wanting to give him head.  Because 1985, there is liberal use of the word "faggot", a musical sequence in a punk rock club, and if one is generous, they can see this as a timely commentary on the class struggles inherent in the Reagan era where privileged frat boys ultimately team up with the less fortunate city folk who use theatricality and tattered costumes to make a statement against...something.  Though Moore tries to interject a little post-apocalyptic atmosphere with rubbery armor, colorful fog, people with Lone Ranger-worthy mascara on, and streets littered with trash, the minuscule budget sticks out every step of the way and it comes off as a dopey and sluggish exorcise in D-rent exploitation.

PSYCHO III

(1986)

Dir - Anthony Perkins

Overall: GOOD

 

The first of only two directorial efforts from Anthony Perkins, Psycho III naturally finds him reprising his role as Norman Bates in full-blown cuckoo mode.  Fresh off the moderately well-received Psycho II from four years prior, Perkins is still effortlessly disturbed, be it less sympathetically than before and Jeff Fahey makes for a charming and genuinely amusing scumbag as well.  As far as Perkins' directorial skills go, they are admirable and flashy, ultimately providing a more interesting selling point than simply furthering the franchise with yet another excuse to have a bunch more murders go down at the Bates Motel.  There are some fun, ambitious camera angles and stylized visuals, making it is a shame that the film garnished such a lukewarm box office reception as to limit Perkins' future chances to prove himself from the director's chair.  He and screenwriter Charles Edward Pogue throw some dark humor into the mix, like early on during Bates' first scene where he uses the same spoon to stuff sawdust into a dead bird as he does peanut-butter onto a cracker, as well as later where he tries to nonchalantly hide a dead body in an ice cooler.  It gets heavy handed at times with religious themes, plus the script's attempts at deepening the mythology are unfortunate at best, yet the film is well realized for what could have been instantly forgettable at best.

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

(1988)

Dir - Stephen Chiodo

Overall: GOOD

One of the 1980's best of many deliberately campy, tailor-made cult films was the Chiodo brothers' Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  The only full-length project that was written, directed and produced by the special effects brother team of Stephen, Edward, and Charles Chiodo, it parodies many of the drive-in sci-fi and monster movie tropes from the 50s and 60s.  This includes the predictable plot structure and formulaic characters who fall victim to one clown-related gag after the other.  The title tells one everything that they need to know in this regard, plus endless mileage is gotten out of wacky set pieces like human cotton candy cocoons, a balloon animal sniffing dog, deadly popcorn guns, a flying saucer shaped like a circus tent, killer shadow puppets, and a police chief turned into a ventriloquist dummy, to name but a few.  Coming from a creative team who worked on everything from Pee-wee's Big Adventure, to Critters, to Team America: World Police, the design work is endlessly inventive.  Each title alien is uniquely and grotesquely stylized and along with the It miniseries from two years later, it was probably enough to help permanently transform clowns into the things of nightmares. As they should be.

80's American Horror Part Forty-Four

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

(1982)

Dir - Tommy Lee Wallace

Overall: MEH

Though it was not a financially viable move and ultimately did not stick, it is at least an interesting one to make the third installment in the Halloween franchise a stand-alone entry which was meant to establish the series as an anthology.  Halloween III: Season of the Witch infamously has no Michael Myers and thankfully is not a slasher movie.  Instead, it concocts a truly bizarre story originally conceived by prolific British science fiction writer Nigel Kneale, who had his name removed after script tampering took place.  Director Tommy Lee Wallace then stepped into to rework it and the result mixes Celtic witchcraft, robots, brainwashing, and Jack-o'-lantern masks or something.  It gets as many points as possible for being unique and Wallace even manages to stage a few genuinely creepy as well as inventive and weird gross-out moments throughout.  Much of this is helped by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth's typically fantastic synth score which sets a deliberately eerie mood.  Genre favorite Tom Atkins is compelling enough in the lead, especially in the third act when the film becomes a frantic race against the clock.  Sadly, the script is ridiculous and the large bulk of the movie is poorly paced.  The consistently low-key approach, though admirable, simply does not carry it through and the plot holes jive all the more because of this.

DEADTIME STORIES

(1986)

Dir - Jeffrey Delman

Overall: WOOF

Inconsistently is usually a given with anthology movies as the quality of each individual narrative can fluctuate even within the best of them.  Rarer and much worse is when these films are front-to-back terrible and such is the case with Jeffrey Delman's directorial debut Deadtime Stories, (Freaky Fairy-Tales, The Griebels from Deadtime Stories).  A horror comedy that is tonally askew, things start off straight-forward yet boringly enough with a segment about Scott Valentine being used as an errand boy for two witches, followed by two contemporary reworkings of "Little Red Riding Hood" and "Goldilocks" respectfully.  The zaniness is awkwardly escalated to the point where the aforementioned "Goldi Lox and the Three Baers" is equipped with fast-forward shenanigans and cartoon noises when characters make goofy faces and fall down.  The whole thing is structured around some annoying kid who refuses to go to bed, with his even more idiotic uncle thinking that telling him scary stories will somehow make his nephew's fears of there being a monster in his room go away.  Even with some mild nudity, boner humor, a skeleton oozing back to fleshy life, a werewolf, and a puppet goblin thing, it is all an embarrassing mess that manages to be persistently dull.

HIGH SPIRITS

(1988)

Dir - Neil Jordan

Overall: GOOD

 

The first foray into comedy from filmmaker Neil Jordan, High Spirits was allegedly manhandled in the editing room, which Jordan and many others involved have blamed on the movie's poor box office and critical reception.  It does have a disjointed feel, but the duel-premise of a wife-swapping love story mixed with a scam, Irish haunted castle turning into a real one is solid enough.  Jordan and Michael McDowell's script does a rather poor job of establishing its supernatural rules though.  Things increasingly go off the rails and many of the set pieces would be funnier if not for how nonsensical and random they are.  Part of the charm is indeed how loud and goofy everything gets and the solid, largely recognizable cast helps said charm along.  Peter O'Toole is delightful as the perpetually shitfaced castle owner Peter Plunkett and Steve Guttenberg, Daryl Hannah, Liam Neeson, and Beverely D'Angelo are just a few of the bigger names that are in top form.  For horror fans, there is plenty of fun, Gothic atmosphere and some solid, ghoulish makeup and laughably dated special effects.  The story-line is an absolute mess and so is the entire film really, but it is an entertaining mess to be sure.

80's American Horror Part Forty-Three

SATURDAY THE 14TH

(1981)

Dir - Howard R. Cohen

Overall: WOOF

 

The only thing really worse than a horror movie with no scares is a comedy with no laughs.  Writer/director Howard R. Cohen's debut Saturday the 14th rather miraculously pulls off dropping the ball in such a way where both genres are concerned.  Produced by Julie Corman and staring husband and wife team Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss, the movie plays a one-note, would-be gag of a family not noticing that their house is overrun by an endless stream of supernatural occurrences and creatures.  Except when they do notice it, no one believes them, they convince themselves they were dreaming, or just do not say anything to anyone for no decipherable reason.  While it spoofs a random hodgepodge of horror tropes, Cohen's particular style of humor is groan-inducing in its simplicity.  Jokes are attempted at an aggressive rate, but they all rely on both the audience and the characters to be operating at the lowest possible brain capacity.  Even the makeup and costume designs are as D-rent as you would expect and provide probably the only chuckles in the whole film, be it of the unintended variety.  It all gets old before it even gets going and though it is a brisk seventy-six minutes in length, one is likely to wish it was seventy-six minutes shorter.

THE BEING

(1983)

Dir - Jackie Kong

Overall: MEH

 

The filmmaking debut from a fresh out of college Jackie Kong, The Being has some mild references to the comedic hallmarks apparent in her future work.  That said, one could hardly mistake this as coming from the same person who brought us Blood Diner.  Made in 1981 though it did not see a release until two years later, it is a cheap monster movie from top to bottom yet also one that somehow snagged Martin Landau, Dorothy Malone, and José Ferrer.  In typical fashion, said monster looks pretty unconvincing and is primarily kept off screen until the last twenty minutes, though it comes off as more effective when lurking in heavy shadows and in close-ups.  The film is largely unremarkable to look at as Kong this early in her career does not showcase a keen eye for visuals or pacing for that matter.  Featuring poorly-lit, standard shot construction coupled with the highly generic story line and uninteresting characters, there is very little present to keep the viewer's thoughts from persistently drifting.  Other amatuerish qualities such as an abandoned narration track halfway through help make it more of an unorthodox curiosity really.  Though incidental music is used sparingly, this unfortunately does not create an engaging, suspenseful atmosphere either, as perhaps was intended.  Commendable maybe as a first try, but quite forgettable all the same.

GHOULIES

(1985)

Dir - Luca Bercovici

Overall: MEH

Somehow, actor-turned-director Luca Bercovici's behind the lens debut manages to be both camp-fueled and boring at the same time.  Though it was part of the tiny monster boom that began with the previous year's Gremlins, (and went into production around the same time), Ghoulies hardly emphasizes such mini-creatures.  They instead appear more as an afterthought, showing up halfway through the movie and ultimately only attacking about two characters.  It is more of an occult film really and a botched one at that.  The premise is quite simple, but the story breaks its own rules frequently and is hardly that interesting to begin with.  Though it stickily adheres to a very silly tone, most of the characters are more obnoxious than funny, which makes the persistent over-acting something which fails to deliver its intended chuckles.  On paper, summoning small puppet demons and two midgets, having your eyes glow green while you yell demonic chants, and resurrecting your dead and equally demonic dad who wants to kiss you to suck out all your life-force or something should be far more of a hoot that this.  At least Jack Nance makes a small appearance and narrates occasionally so there is that.

80's American Horror Part Forty-Two

THE BEAST WITHIN

(1982)

Dir - Philippe Mora

Overall: MEH

For a horror movie, forgoing story and character development for gruesomeness and making the death scenes as memorable as possible is a common route to take.  The Beast Within was rushed into production before Edward Levy's novel that it was supposed to be based on was even finished, with future filmmaker Tom Holland here screenwriting to the best of his abilities by basically only being able to go off of the title.  There is a beast and he does seem to lurk within one of the characters so, job well done there.  Director Philippe Mora digs up some textbook atmosphere throughout, but the plotting is meandering.  Everyone on screen is either boring or unlikable, so nothing that they are engaged in is all that interesting.  It is basically people going missing, other people going to look for them, violently murdered bodies being found, then rinse and repeat.  It does not help much when up until the last twenty minutes, your villain is just a sweaty teenager who opens his eyes wide and yells really loud.  When he does go full air bladder monster transformation, it is a fun scene even if logically it is ridiculous that a room full of people just stand there watching it when one of them is armed and was fully intent on shooting him beforehand anyway.

GHOST FEVER
(1987)
Dir - Lee Madden
Overall: WOOF

Lee Madden's final directorial effort was one of many that was credited to Alan Smithee which as history usually dictates, is not a good sign.  Another lighthearted horror comedy from the era, Ghost Fever has a wacky enough premise of television mainstays Sherman Hemsley and Luis Ávalos buddy-copping it through a haunted Southern mansion, but the humor itself leaves everything to be desired.  A low budget production to begin with that was kept from being released for two years allegedly due to various re-edits and re-shoots, the finished product is coherent yet also relentlessly lousy.  The novelty of seeing an African American and a Latino man square-off against a bigoted plantation owner from beyond the grave means that racism is played for laughs, but so is slavery torture, groin humor, mild profanity, an embarrassing dance-off, and lots of people falling down.  As far as ghoulish elements go, there is a voodoo curse, a vampire, some ghosts that are visible for no reason, ghosts that are invisible for no reason and have to dress as a mummy to be seen, zombies, a séance, fog, a dungeon, crumbling catacombs, and ectoplasm pills.  Also, heavyweight champ Joe Frazier.  The whole thing is neither spooky enough to be fun, dumb enough to be funny, or funny enough to be funny.

HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS

(1988)

Dir - Fred Olen Ray

Overall: GOOD

Prolific B-movie maverick Fred Olen Ray delivered one of the most truth-in-advertising exploitation films of the decade with the gleefully stupid Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, (Hollywood Hookers in the UK since the word "chainsaw" was outlawed by censors).  Made on a budget that looks like some pocket change at best, the entire premise is ridiculous on paper and just as ridiculous on camera.  The cast is delightfully in on it and features scream queens Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer as well as Leatherface himself Gunnar Hansen as a mild-mannered, chainsaw cult leader because that is a thing in this movie.  Ray keeps the proceedings bloody, naked, and silly throughout, stylizing everything as an classic noir, with Jay Richardson's hard boiled private eye, (or private "dick" which gets as many jokes out of it as you would guess), narrating everything.  It drags in a few places and many of the gags are more funny due to how purposely groan-worthy they are than anything else, but the movie basks in its absurdity and juvenile sleaze.  Naked ladies of the evening eagerly chop up their clients with a generous amount of blood-splatter and limb-tossing carnage, plus the movie spoofs multiple genres in the most intentionally low-rent way possible.  What more could anyone want based on such ingredients?  Not bloody well much.

80's American Horror Part Forty-One

NIGHTBEAST

(1982)

Dir - Don Dohler

Overall: WOOF

 

This no budget, no talent crap-job from amateur filmmaker Don Dohler acts as a part remake to his debut The Alien Factor.  Done with some of the same "actors" and about ten thousand extra dollars, (not that you would notice), Nightbeast is embarrassing from top to bottom.  Dohler has absolutely no sense of pacing or staging and not one line reading from his unprofessional, unphotogenic, and uncharasmatic cast comes off as anything except unintentionally hilarious.  The cinematography is exclusively flat and made up of nothing except stock wide shots and closeups, all of which garnish no atmosphere whatsoever.  When the movie does try and spice things up with a strobe-light and some slow motion, the results are just as laughably pathetic.  Same goes for some limb-ripping gore and occasional nudity, including a sex scene that is just as laugh-out-loud awkward as it is random.  The creature design is also quite lame, but the movie may be of some interest for having a musical score done by a sixteen year-old J.J. Abrams which is probably the only moderately acceptable production aspect present.

VAMP

(1986)

Dir - Richard Wenk

Overall: MEH

 

The first full-length from writer/director Richard Wenk, Vamp is an average, occasionally clever vampire comedy from a decade ripe with them.  The premise of an undead-infested strip club would be put to far more outrageous and better use in Robert Rodriguez' From Dusk till Dawn ten years later, but Wenk gets some solid mileage out of it here, (even if this fits into that rather silly category of strippers who never actually get naked).  The art direction and set design is fantastic, with fog-drenched, vivid greens and purples constantly playing against each other.  There is hardly a shot in the film that is not atmospheric and stylized, plus Grace Jones as the non-speaking, head vampiress is perfectly cast in such a regard.  While some of the jokes land and most of the horror set pieces deliver, the script just as frequently loses its footing.  Things meander a bit in the third act, some characters are given underdeveloped quirks, plot holes are present, and there are a handful of would-be funny gags that instead lean on the side of groan-worthy.  It is frequently entertaining, but nevertheless falls short of the seminal status your Fright Nights and Lost Boys far more prominently achieve.

NIGHTMARE AT NOON

(1988)

Dir - Nico Mastorakis

Overall: MEH

 

Another half-baked genre attempt from co-writer/director Nico Mastorakis, Nightmare at Noon, (Death Street USA), has some nice, rural Utah location shooting, a hilariously forced "case of the not-gays", Brion James as an albino/government agent mute, Wings Hauser being an asshole, and green slime that shoots out of people when bullets hit them.  Despite such factors making it all sound like a hoot, it is actually a monotonous slog, with one of the least exciting final acts in B-movie history that sees Bo Hopkins venturing into the desert to have a shoot-out which is boring enough to sleep through, followed by a helicopter chase that is equally as stodgy.  George Kennedy seemed hellbent on appearing in as many horror movies as he was offered during the 1980s and he fits the small town sheriff tag well enough here, but he and rest of the cast are powerless against such a bare-bones story that never picks up momentum and blows its initial premise where random citizens start turning into rage zombies.  Characters seem to hate each other until they do not, Hopskins is frustratingly aloof as a drifter ex-cop who is too old fashioned to settle down, (and is also apparently irresistible to women who look half his age), James is completely wasted, and it all ends as if the creative parties involved hardly cared about what they were making in the first place.

80's American Horror Part Forty

THE BOOGENS

(1981)

Dir - James L. Conway

Overall: GOOD

 

A movie like The Boogens probably should not be as decent as it is.  Boasting a silly premise of unleashed, cave-dwelling puppet monsters, made on a small budget with no A-listers, and having the look and feel of a made-for-television movie, it has enough low-rent hallmarks to make it a pretty forgettable affair.  As it stands though, the film has two primary things going for it.  One, the characters are all likeable and two, the performances are all strong.  Neither of these things would really matter if the ninety-five minute running time was squarely focused on the title creatures running amok.  Such is not that case though as James L. Conway keeps them off camera up until about the last ten minutes, which leaves the overwhelming bulk of the proceedings to familiarizing us with the small crop of men and women who ultimately fall victim to/face-off against said boogens.  Teasing the monsters for so long may irk many horror fans waiting for the good stuff, but their mostly clandestine appearances are effectively staged and an effective level of dread is built up.  The creature design is rather lame, (which could explain their minimal screen time), and cliches such as women falling down and doors inexplicably being locked from the inside unfortunately dumb things up a bit.  It is fun though and impressively makes things work what would otherwise be limitations.

HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF

(1985)

Dir - Philippe Mora

Overall: WOOF

 

Something truly bizarre happened with Philippe Mora's first follow-up to Joe Dante's The Howling, a sequel that laughably implodes under multiple, horrendous attributes.  With a title like Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, it clearly does not pretend to be anything but a camp-fueled comedy.  While this sounds good on paper, the results are far more unintentional in their hilarity than not.  Rob Bottin's era-defining special effects are gone and instead we get Sybil Danning growling and doing jazz hands in a chair while covered in yak hair.  The script, (co-written by Gary Brandner, who authored the original The Howling novel), mishmashes vampire and werewolf cliches haphazardly and the film is just as jarringly edited by Charles Bornstein who comically cuts to the same random shots on the regular.  Christopher Lee's respectable presence is quite baffling, made more so by the straight-up appalling performances everywhere else.  Annie McEnroe may be the worst actress of all time and her boytoy Reb Brown lays on the same level of Big McLargehuge "charm" that he did in Space Mutiny three years later.  The sound design is composed of terrible ADR line-readings, snorts and howls, stereotypical Eastern European music, and a song called "The Howling" by Goth band Babel that shows up half a dozen times within the first twenty minutes alone.  Entertainingly awful, but awful all the same.

CELLAR DWELLER

(1988)

Dir - John Carl Buechler

Overall: MEH

 

The 1980s produced a slew of silly creature features and John Carl Buechler's Cellar Dweller is one of the silliest indeed.  Written by Don Mancini, (who would go on to pen every single movie in the Child's Play franchise sans the 2019 reboot), the film takes an already goofy premise of a comic book drawing coming to life and enhances such absurdity with a moronic script.  It all takes place in the regular old house of a mysterious artist, now turned into an art institute with a small crop of completely random dingbats including a woman who videotapes things, one who does performance art, an older gentleman who writes pulp novels, and an idiot who does expressionist "art" that looks like child drawings.  Haunted house noises regularly omit from the easily unlocked, off-limits-basement and any rules established by the flimsy mythology are regularly broken just to provide more limb-munching, screaming set pieces.  Fortunately, such bloody moments are kind of fun and Buechler's monster design work is quite excellent.  The movie does not take itself remotely serious and an opening cameo from none other than Jeffery Combs is a wonderful addition, one that is only hampered by the fact that he has no further screen time.  If one can turn their brain off, much giggles can be had at the violent nonsense on full display here.