2000's Asian Horror Part Thirteen

TALES OF THE UNUSUAL
(2000)
Dir - Masayuki Suzuki/Mamoru Hoshi/Hisao Ogura/Masayuki Ochiai
Overall: GOOD

 

A feature-length installment of Fuji TV's, 1990's run Twilight Zone-esque series of the same name which remains relatively obscure outside of its native Japan, Tales of the Unusual, (Yo nimo kimyō na monogatari - Eiga no tokubetsuhen), features four different stories and as many directors, each told in conjunction with a framing narrative of a mysterious guy in sunglasses and a suite who smiles while people at a train station ask him to spin some yarns, which is totally a thing that folks do.  The selections are pretty eclectic from each other with the opening "One Snowy Night" being the only straight horror one in the bunch.  "Samurai Cellular" is primarily comedic, "Chess" is psychologically outlandish, and the closing "The Marriage Simulator" is a quite touching love story, though the three of these have a somewhat interesting, near future, science fiction element to them as well.  Like many anthology movies, the length is a bit excessive to flesh-out the stories enough to work, but the results are mostly satisfying due to their differentiating qualities which makes the entire production more surprising than it otherwise would have been if it stuck to a single tone.

 

ART OF THE DEVIL
(2004)
Dir - Tanit Jitnukul
Overall: MEH

 

With its sterile, TV movie presentation in tow, Art of the Devil, (Khon len khong), is hardly the most satisfyingly atmospheric black magic revenge film out there.  Thai director Tanit Jitnukul does manage to throw a bizarre, creepy kid into the mix who inexplicably looks like the albino trucker in Messiah of Evil, plus there are some stylistic touches like black and white sequences and a couple of standard supernatural camera gags.  Set piece wise, a fiendishly squeamish moment also occurs where a guy's torso spews enough live snakes and worms to cover an entire floor, which poor Arisa Wills then has to actually interact with.  Elsewhere though, this is unremarkable stuff that is largely shot in fully-lit, contemporarily decorated areas that a couple of Dutch angles fail to disguise as being anything but banal to look at.  The narrative structure also makes the mistake of abusing dramatic irony since most of the characters spend the whole movie trying to figure out what is going on while there is zero mystery for the audience, an audience that is fully aware of what is going on at all times.  This makes the film monotonous and yawn-inducing in its pacing, which would not be so much of an issue if it had more wildly inventive components to spice-up the proceedings along the way.  Again, the wormy hospital room and the disturbing looking ghost kid are fun, but that is about it.

THIRST

(2009)

Dir - Park Chan-wook

Overall: GREAT

The American/South Korean co-production Thirst, (Bakjawi), is probably one of the most inventive and exceptionally refreshing vampire films in quite some time.  A contemporary reworking of Thérèse Raquin by French novelist Émile Zola, this doomed love triangle story unfolds steadily over more than two hours, but never overstays its welcome as it balances hilarious, dark humor, perversity, horror, and the touching, romantic connection between its two disturbed, central characters.  As has often been explored in other vampire stories, (particularly Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles), the undead's struggle with a loss of humanity, spiritual connection with a higher power, and acceptance of newfound animalistic tendencies and superiority to their prey all play a central theme here.  The repressed urges of Song Kong-ho's benevolent Priest and Kim Ok-bin's unwillingly docile, orphaned housewife come to the forefront in opposite ways, yet their dependent, deeply sincere passion for each other is both heartbreaking and funny in equal measures.  Chan-wook largely allows for the material to speak for itself, letting things play out calmly when necessary and providing more expressive, fun camerawork and editing flourishes along the way.  The film is neither overbearing in its melodrama to turn off strict genre enthusiasts or too gruesome to turn off the squeamish, finding an engrossing way for both to coexist that is quite commendable.

2000's Asian Horror Part Twelve

RING 0: BIRTHDAY

(2000)

Dir - Norio Tsuruta

Overall: MEH

The forth entry in the Ringu series, (not counting the 1995 television adaptation which was remade theatrically only three years later), Ring 0: Birthday, (Ringu Zero: Bāsudei, Ring-O: The Birthday), is an incredibly mood-heavy work that stumbles through its destination to link up to the other films in the franchise.  This was the first proper full-length for director Norio Tsuruta, taking over for Hideo Nakata who declined to return as he had already been behind the lens for two of the previous installments.  Screenwriter Hiroshi Takahashi stuck around though, adapting the "Lemon Heart" story from Koji Suzuki's Birthday anthology series.  The most striking aspect here is Tsuruta's highly restrained approach to the material which is deliberately paced almost to fault where the narrative gets rather muddled due to scares that are barely noticeable, scaled-back performances, and a sparse musical score.  Such a hypnotic, unassuming atmosphere is definitely refreshing, but oddly the movie becomes less interesting and more confusing as it tries to do its actual job which is adding a backstory to the vengeful Sadako Yamamura ghost.  As is almost always the case, such supernatural aspects are more frightening when they are left ambiguous and the "clearing up loose ends" proponent here is sadly both unnecessary and unsatisfying.

BANGKOK HAUNTED
(2001)
Dir - Oxide Pang/Pisut Praesangeam
Overall: MEH

 

A Thai, contemporary-set anthology film from Pisut Praesangeam and Pang brother Oxide, Bangkok Haunted has the misfortune of featuring three different segments that are both A) not interesting and B) too long.  They are also told in sort of a back and forth manner, mixing flashbacks and the like somewhat unconvincingly which may cause a bit of confusion for those that are struggling to pay attention.  The mere concept of three attractive women sitting in a bar telling ghost stories while critiquing each others endings is more silly than plausible and directors Pang and Praesangeam pile on equal amounts of softcore sleaze, icky gore, and persistent scary music that kick up the camp.  Said ingredients can certainly make for something fun, sexy, and/or spooky in the right context, but there is not one single moment here that is likely to impress or even stick with an audience member.  The B-movie production is passable at least, with the mostly attractive cast doing their best, CGI effects like some swirly, supernatural vapors and creepy specter makeup getting the job done, and some nasty close-ups of vomit and human organs to appease gore hounds.

SIGSAW

(2004)

Dir - Yam Laranas

Overall: WOOF

The increased usage of jump scares in 21st century horror films may have its grand champion in Yam Laranas' Sigsaw, (The Echo internationally); a movie that inexplicably makes it a point to punctuate about ninety percent of its potentially "scary" scenes by the loudest noise humanly possible.  In a way, such a tactic is almost impressive in its absolute stubbornness, which makes one wonder if the film could in fact be some sort of parody of the genre's most overused and obnoxious gimmick.  The alternative to such a theory of course is that Laranas actually thought that placing deafening noise on the soundtrack only every forty-five seconds over the course of nearly two hours somehow would defy all sense and logic in making the movie not only watchable, but actually frightening.  Worse yet, the script is hilariously monotonous with the same characters saying the same things to the same characters over and over again until the pathetic "twist" arrives in a dramatic exposition dump that makes said characters seem even more stupid for putting up with their current, (and it cannot be stressed enough), blarringly loud situation.  In either event and whatever Laranas was smoking, the results represent something so persistently annoying that it should be avoided at all costs for anyone without a set of earplugs at their disposal.

2000's Asian Horror Part Eleven

THREE

(2002)

Dir - Kim Jee-woon/Nonzee Nimibutr/Peter Ho-Sun Chan

Overall: MEH

 

The initial, international anthology film Three, (SSeuli, Sāngēng, 3...Extremes II), is a Korean/Thai/Mandarin/Cantonese co-production in the similar vein of the following Three...Extremes released two years later, featuring three filmmakers from different countries providing a less than full-length short.  While the premises are sufficient in each entry, (a man haunted by his dead wife, cursed puppets, a couple with a ghost daughter who revive themselves after three years to cure cancer), each one suffers from a bloated running time and therefor, the collection feels its over two-hour length more than is agreeable.  The opening "Memories" from Kim Jee-woon is easily the most subdued, atmospheric, and best, with Nonzee Nimibutr's "The Wheel" the weakest, and Peter Ho-Sun Chan's "Going Home" having the most unique angle yet still falling somewhat in the middle.  This is unsurprising in a way as Jee-woon has thus far been the most versed in the horror genre and he is the only director here to have also penned his own screenplay.  Each segment is interesting on its own merits and it is an adequate showcase for those involved, but it ultimately underwhelms as a whole.

SUKOB

(2006)

Dir - Chito S. Roño

Overall: MEH

 

Filipino filmmaker Chito S. Roño's Sukob, (The Wedding Curse), is too bog-standard to leave a lasting impression, yet its story is emotionally sound at least.  Based on the Filipino superstition that two siblings should not be married within the same year lest tragedy befall them, the specifics of the otherworldly logic here may be singular to the region, yet they routinely cross paths with vengeful spirit motifs that have been seen countless times before.  Roño is prone to use cheap genre tactics throughout the entire movie, (namely quick flashes of a filthy bride ghost that is always accompanied by a screechy noise on the soundtrack), and every horror movie set piece is as predictably staged as the last.  The film is far from subtle, with persistently scary music that makes everything only look and feel frightening on paper yet being derivative popcorn fodder in reality.  Performance wise though, the cast brings their A game, particularly Ronalda Valdez as a disgraced father and Kris Aquino and Claudine Barretto as his devastated daughters.  This family dynamic and the clever build-up between them which follows two parallel timelines is well done, yet one has to ignore the hum-drum horror elements to consider it a success.

ONECHANBARA
(2008)
Dir - Yōhei Fukuda
Overall: WOOF
 
The only things that distinguish this low-budget zombie movie from all of the others that were done on any financial scale is the abundance of embarrassing CGI and one of the characters engaging in sword-slicing mayhem while half-naked and in a cowboy hat.  An adaptation of the fighting video game series of the same name, OneChanbara, (OneChanbara: The Movie, Onee Chanbara, Chanbara Beauty), is a painfully boring and cheap smash-em-up whose sense of melodrama relies on derivative tropes where people struggle to cope with the emotional trauma of their loved ones joining the mindless legion of slow-walking ghouls.  Well to be fair, there is some sibling rivalry to mildly spice things up, which leads to the closing battle sequence where the horrendous special effects really take center stage.  The entirely of the movie was shot in open, dilapidated locations and the only other practical production qualities are the D-rent zombie make-up and Chise Nakamura's aforementioned scant wardrobe.  Director/co-writer Yōhei Fukuda goes for high-octane, physics-defying action, but the endless battle sequences are mind-numbing and poorly staged, made more ridiculous by the digital enhancement of fake blood, fake limbs, and fake energy color-bursts.  All would be forgiven if the whole thing leaned into its camp instead of playing itself so daftly straight, but alas, this is not the case.

2000's Asian Horror Part Ten - ( Kōji Shiraishi Edition)

NOROI: THE CURSE 

(2005)
Overall: GREAT

The production companies that helped make Kōji Shiraishi's Noroi: The Curse have both ceased to be due to bankruptcy, as has an American outfit that likewise planned on pushing the film on DVD in 2009.  Ultimately meaning that it has lingered in some obscurity since 2005, which is a shame since the resulting movie represents an exemplary mark in found footage.  A mockumantery on a mockumentary, it logically affords for editing, creepy music, and the ghost hunter crew's motivations to keep on shooting.  There are no, "who would keep filming all of this?" or "who is compiling all this footage together?" questions to distract you in other words, though the footage that they do capture would certainly make headlines.  There are several characters and locations to keep track of due to the multi-layered plot, with every new detail becoming more interesting and supernaturally unsettling. An argument can be made that tin-foil man may have been a bit much as we the viewer come awfully close to laughing at him when we are probably not supposed to, but his appearance is just another curious and disturbing detail to an already satisfying abundance of them.

 

CARVED: THE SLIT-MOUTHED WOMAN
(2007)
Overall: MEH

 

Kōji Shiraishi's Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman, (Kuchisake-onna, A Slit-Mouthed Woman), is his follow-up to the exceptional found footage film Noroi: The Curse and it fits squarely in the Japanese, vengeful spirit mold.  Playing by the rules fairly enough for fans of conventional J-horror aesthetics, the story is based on the urban legend about the Kuchisake-onna, a very specific form of ghost that confronts people with a pair of large scissors while wearing a long coat, surgical mask, and of course donning extensive black hair.  Oh and she also has a Glasgow smile and yellow eyes because creepy.  This is a comparatively more nasty horror movie than those aimed at a teenage, younger adult audience as the title monster engages in child abducting and abusing, with several uncomfortable scenes of the latter being shown in an unflinching manner.  She is an effectively unsettling bogey-woman to be sure, but Shiraishi sticks too close to the formula to truly elevate it above the heard.

 

GROTESQUE
(2009)
Overall: WOOF

 

Very regrettably, Kōji Shiraishi took a detour from bone-chilling found footage and bog-standard J-horror into deliberately off-putting torture porn with his third full-length Grotesque, (Gurotesuku).  If one was to be, (very), generous, this can be seen as a parody of horror's most unnecessary sub-genre since the "story" consists of nothing more than some asshole physically, sexually, and psychologically torturing two people throughout the entire running time.  That is all that happens and that is all it is.  Thankfully, that running time is only seventy-three minutes which is a sort of mild saving grace, but that seventy-three minutes is so comically relentless that it bypasses being disturbing and is just childishly obnoxious.  Maybe there was a point to this besides just utter stupidity but if there was, who cares?  It is probably the only instance where the British Board of Film Classification's banning of a movie was justified.  If only every other country and Shiraishi himself had the same idea to just stop this thing from existing in the first place.

 

TEKETEKE

(2009)

Overall: MEH

 

The second film from Kōji Shiraishi to be released in 2009, Teketeke is typical, vengeful spirit J-horror of the minuscule budget variety.  Nearly every element to the rudimentary story is a well-worn trope; an urban legend set up, schoolgirl protagonists, characters uncovering the ghost's mystery and trying to adjust something regarding their final resting place that of course does absolutely nothing to stop the supernatural activity, etc.  The only thing really distinguishing it from the bigger named movies which it is directly channeling is the noticeably low production values that force Shiraishi to engage in very few frightening set pieces while keeping the length at a mere seventy-minutes.  That said, the title spectre does look pretty unique when it finally emerges, bypassing the standard "long black hair hanging in front of its face" female and instead being a weird, half-torso homeless demon thing.  The movie is pretty unoffensive overall and does not overstay its welcome at least so fans of such familiarity will probably get enough kicks out of what is here.

OCCULT
(2009)
Dir - Kōji Shiraishi
Overall: MEH

No Japanese, (or otherwise), director champions the found footage sub-genre as much as Kōji Shiraishi and his second yet by no means last example Occult, (Okaruto), explicitly adheres to the mockumentary presentation he offered up with his first, Noroi: The Curse.  While the similarities in presentation are incidental and one could even see this as existing in the same universe, it falls short of the overall excellence that its superb predecessor offered up.  The supernatural story here is too vague, mostly being a collection of barely noticeable coincidences that are sporadically spread apart over the running time; a running time that overstays its welcome at nearly two hours long.  Large portions of the film go by with little of interest happening and when something finally does, such revelations merely come off with a shrug.  By making the details so equivocal and filling up everything in between with uninteresting nonsense, Shiraishi loses the viewer almost completely, with other things such as the embarrassingly bad visual effects and head-scratchingly stupid character behavior standing out even more.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-Seven

DAHMER

(2002)

Dir - David Jacobson

Overall: GOOD

 

Though it fails to provide any proper insight into its famously deranged subject matter, David Jacobson's take on the story of Jeffrey Dahmer casts a coldly restrained and detached spell that works within its own confines.  Promoted as Dahmer: The Mind is a Place of its Own, (wisely shortened to just Dahmer), Jacobson struggled to garnish much producer interest in the project which was primarily inspired by Court TV's coverage of the serial killer's trial and his father Lionel's book A Father's Story.  Shot on the cheap in merely eighteen days, the director takes a very eerie approach by ignoring proper chronology and keeping Dahmer's most gruesome acts off-screen, (including all references to his cannibalism), yet focusing on an ambiguous aloofness to the murderer that is perfectly encapsulated by Jeremy Renner's performance.  Supporting roles by Bruce Davidson as his dad and Artel Great as a fictionalized version of perhaps his final, survived victim Tracy Edwards are also quite strong.  The film may not satisfy true crime buffs who are exclusively interested in historical accuracy or the extreme nature of Dahmer's abominations, but for those curious to live in an impenetrable void of one of modern history's worst human beings for ninety-minutes, this delivers such a chilling experience.

POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD

(2006)

Dir - Lloyd Kaufman/Gabriel Friedman

Overall: MEH

For the dumbest Night of the Living Dead parody of all time Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, Lloyd Kaufman and company go really hard in the gross-out department, detrimentally so.  It took about six years to be completed with various production problems on set and a crew made up almost entirely of unpaid volunteers.  This includes the film's composer Duggie Banas who liters the first act with way too many goddamn musical numbers that are oddly, (and mercifully), abandoned throughout the entire middle of the proceedings.  Amongst all other forms of rotten taste, Troma movies are inherently disgusting and this one has more close-ups of diarrhea, projectile vomiting, body parts/appendages getting ripped off, and fake-blood splatter than possibly every other piece of garbage that the production company ever produced.  Also, mutant chickens getting hatched out of people's assholes, crotches, stomachs, and tits which is just lovely.  It is an outrageous, knowingly offensive, juvenile mayhem-fest from front to back, but there are a couple of funny gags for those that can stomach all of the vile, greasy, nausea-inducing sound effects and visual foulness.

100 FEET

(2008)

Dir - Eric Red

Overall: MEH

Boasting a clever premise and a likeable, intense performance from Famke Janssen, writer/director Eric Red's 100 Feet is otherwise unremarkable at best and embarrassingly dumb at worst.  Setting things up with a woman under house arrest at the very abode where she murdered her physically abusive husband, (who has of course stuck around in spectral form), the spooky, dramatic stakes are immediately established.  After that though, Red adapts a curious tone that occasionally seems to be taking its subject matter seriously while either laughing at it or daring the audience to laugh at it just as frequently.  This could possibly be due to some deleted footage or something since Janssen's protagonist appears terrified and borderline suicidal at her predicament one minute, only to be playful during the next as she tries to rid her home of her deceased ex with pretty hackneyed tactics like throwing his clothes away and rubbing sage around everywhere.  The digital effects are so bad that they are legitimately hilarious and whatever universe this story exists in may have the flimsiest, most random supernatural logic of all time.  There are enough significant plot holes to suggest that this is Red's attempt at something comical, but with its dour undercurrent of spousal abuse and Janssen's character being ostracized by her community, it hardly works consistently as a piece of schlock or anything else for that matter. 

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-Six

WENDIGO

(2001)

Dir - Larry Fessenden

Overall: MEH

 

The directorial follow-up to the low-key, urban vampire film Habit from Larry Fessenden is a movie whose heart is in the right place, yet it is also one that does not reach any of its potential.  Wendigo sets itself up like it will unfold like a typical werewolf movie, opening with the age old cliche of people driving through the remote countryside which can only mean that they will get in an car accident, which they of course do.  Fessenden unfortunately spends the entire movie meandering without any perceivable purpose, focusing on a likeable family while teasing at backwoods bad guys, a lonely kid's overactive imagination, and Native American superstition with completely uninteresting plotting.  The performances are unnatural at times without being altogether bad and there are a handful of accidentally dopey B-movie blunders like too much hacky tribal music on the soundtrack, awkwardly arty editing, a lame looking title monster, silly call backs, and one ridiculous scene where a mysterious local randomly drops all of the supernatural exposition in the middle of a gift shop.  All of this mangles the tone when things finally get a bit more dire, which does not happen until well into the third act anyway.

WIND CHILL

(2007)

Dir - Gregory Jacobs

Overall: MEH

 

Though Gregory Jacobs' second directorial effort Wind Chill boasts a unique premise and a solid, mostly two person cast, a handful of minor blunders add up to undue it.  Things begin innocently enough as the script teases a few kidnapper/rude, rural locals/trapped in the wilderness expectations, with lots of obvious set ups thrown in that eventually reveal their pay-offs.  Emily Blunt makes a nice, quasi-bitch college student and Ashton Holmes aka Not-Jessie Eisenberg has an interesting ark of an awkard creep with a heart of gold.  As is often the case with horror material, (particularly of the supernatural variety), things are much more successful before the mystery is explained and this unfortunately rings true here.  The theme of eternal recurrence plays a major role yet not for any other reason than to move the plot along and provide for some topsy-turvy moments, moments that become less interesting as things go along.  By the time CGI frostbitten effects start becoming more prominent even though they quite often forget to add digital breath to characters that are literally freezing to death, it becomes difficult to stay invested in a story that is running out of places to go besides recycling a few spooky motifs and trying not to make Blunt look anything but gorgeous no matter how in peril her character gets.

 

THE SHORTCUT

(2009)

Dir - Nicholaus Goossen

Overall: MEH

The first entry for the horror division Scary Madison of Adam Sandler's Happy Madison production company, The Shortcut is a mildly amusing thriller with its fair share of "high schoolers doing stupid things" stereotypes partly for chuckles and partly for suspenseful set piece purposes.  As director Nicholaus Goosen's follow-up to Grandma's Boy, the tone and agenda here are quite obviously different even though there is still a substantial amount of humor sprinkled throughout.  The backstory, (which the script frequently detours into), is certainly easy to follow, yet it is also not that fleshed-out.  The way that it links up to the lackluster twist ending comes off as more eyeball rolling, "OK, sure whatever" stupid than anything else.  Part of the issue may be that Dan Hannon and Scott Sandler's script was apparently re-written boatloads of times and co-producers Leomax only agreed to provide financing if the initial R-rated material was neutered down to PG-13.  By 2009, the world certainly does not need any more PG-13 horror films with wise-cracking teenagers and while this particular entry into that well over-saturated market is less insulting than usual, it is still probably worth skipping.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-Five - (Larry Blamire Edition)

THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA

(2001)

Overall: GOOD

Answering the question of what Plan 9 from Outer Space would be like if it was a deliberate comedy and was directed by somebody who knew what pacing was, independent filmmaker Larry Blamire established his 1950's B-movie spoofing aesthetic right out of the gate with his debut The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.  There is a level of brilliance to Blamire's work here as he has essentially crafted something that is impervious to negative criticism as any "flaws" in the production are entirely there by design.  Perhaps the only complaint one can lodge at the movie is that besides the fact that it is in back and white, it is clearly shot digitally and lacks both the editing and cinematography of the Z-grade, drive-in cheapies that it is modeled after.  Not that flawless, throw-back authenticity matters though as the stock music, grade school play production values, juvenile plotting, wooden performances, and over-explainy dialog is non-stop hilarious.  Often times, movies like this can lean too far into mere stupidity where the jokes fail to land under a forced presentation.  Thankfully though, Blamire concocted just the right amount of dumb here and it ultimately surpasses itself as a mere parody since even people who are completely oblivious to the films that it is lampooning can easily laugh out loud the entire way though.

TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD

(2007)

Overall: GOOD

Essentially the same exact shtick except not in black and white, Larry Blamire's Trail of the Screaming Forehead is a stupendous follow-up to The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.  For this round of 1950s-set, B-movie buffoonery, the cast is much larger, the plot is more ambitious as well as arguably even more stupid, there is a title theme song that makes more than one appearance, and it adds film noir cliches into its "scientists doing science" ones.  James Karen, Dick Miller, and a very last minute Kevin McCarthy join the fun in minor cameos, yet most of the heavy lifting is once again handled by Cadavra's cast who are just as tuned-in to Blamire's hilariously straight-faced spoofing as before.  Much of the dialog still has character's repeating the same words in each sentence, but there is a bigger meta emphasis where they often comment on how nonsensical it all is, letting the audience in even more blatantly on the fact that this is seriously not-serious business.  Basically, if you are not laughing immediately at a premise like an alien race of silly putty trying to pass off as foreheads, (while simultaneously, scientists do science about what mysteries the forehead truly holds), then this is probably not your cup of goofball tea.

THE LOST SKELETON RETURNS AGAIN

(2008)

Overall: GOOD

 

Spoof filmmaker extraordinaire Larry Blamire continues his momentum from the previous year's Trail of the Screaming Forehead with an equally infections sequel to his debut, deliberate anti-masterpiece The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra with The Lost Skeleton Returns Again.  The whole gang is back with several of them playing identical twins to their deceased characters which is just one of many specific genre gags that is lampooned with abandon.  Characters repeat the same words in each sentence to such a point this time that an entire subplot involves Alison Martin's Queen of the Cantaloupe People learning "the art of the double negative".  Various other word play antics are hilariously unleashed again and every performer plays things as stiff as a board for a consistent, ninety-minute in joke of ridiculousness.  Speaking of which, three different purposely cheap looking creatures show up once the unnecessarily large assortment of characters enter the Valley of the Monsters at which point the movie switches to color to further emphasize the wonderfully low-rent visuals.  It all follows Blamire's now well-established style to a tee so for those that are already on board, this delivers exactly what one would gleefully expect.

DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

(2009)

Overall: GOOD

Dark and Stormy Night, (the forth full-length, old school genre spoof from Larry Blamire), goes back a few more decades from his previous, 1950s sci-fi farces.  This one is a delightfully absurd old dark house send-up with all of the reading of the will, mysterious hooded figure, gorilla for no reason, washed-out bridge, hands coming out of bed frames, and dozens of other tropes properly in tow for a large ensemble cast of characters to both partake and make fun of along the way.  As usual, a great deal of the humor stems from ridiculous dialog full of cliches that Blamire dissects with a microscope, often times dragging out particular phases as if he is wringing a wet towel for every bit of goofy moisture allowed.  The cornball tone is obviously intentional so the more groan-worthy it gets, the more Blamire and his dedicated team of players can be applauded for their commitment to such silliness.  Particular highlights are Andrew Parks prattling on as a dandy Englishman, Daniel Roebuck and Jennifer Blaire as two banter-trading reporters, Susan McConnell as a batty, family stowaway with a Scottish accent, Allison Martin as a howling mystic, and Blamire himself as a seemingly aloof "random motorist".  It certainty helps if those watching are familiar with the bygone era being lovingly lampooned here, but even for the uninitiated, it delivers the sillies quite effectively.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-Four

THE GIFT

(2000)

Dir - Sam Raimi
Overall: MEH

 

Just before embarking on his Spider-Man trilogy, Sam Raimi was behind the lens for the understated, quasi-supernatural thriller The Gift.  The screenplay was co-written by Billy Bob Thornton several years earlier and the cast is made up of top to bottom familiar faces, (sans Thortnton himself), all doing their best Southern drawls.  Standing out is Cate Blanchett who is predictably great in the psychic, single mother lead and Keanu Reeves playing probably the most unrepentant scumbag in his entire career.  Though usually good as well, Giovani Ribisi's way on the spectrum, traumatized mechanic does go a bit too hard in comparison.  Also of note is Katie Holmes who was still in her Dawson's Creek run, turning some heads in a minor though pivotal role as a topless adulteress.  While the plotting is pretty hokey, it does have an intense agenda to depict women in highly troubled, vulnerable positions and Raimi's uncharacteristically flash-less presentation treats the material in a respectful manner, as it should.

 

THE HAUNTED MANSION

(2003)

Dir - Rob Minkoff

Overall: MEH

 

Cookie-cutter from top to bottom, The Haunted Mansion brings the famed Disney amusement park attraction to digitally enhanced, grandiose, massive budgeted life with a story that hits all of the kid-friendly, utterly unoffensive marks that it possibly can.  Star Eddie Murphy was about a decade into his PG phase by the time he appeared as the workaholic, wise-crackin' realtor dad here, but his unmistakable comedic chops still manage to creep up to the surface even under such predictable, pedestrian writing.  Though it is primarily a CGI wet dream, nothing here is meant to look remotely palpable so it gets a pass for its lush, over-the-top, cartoony visuals which are thankfully enhanced by some of the most fantastic skeleton zombie makeup ever seen, courtesy of Rick Baker of course.  The hum-drum plot is barely worth paying attention to as well as impossible to get lost in, plus the best thing you can say about the dialog and handful of cliche-ridden characters, (including a smart-ass thirteen year-old, a scaredy cat ten-year old, Jennifer Tilly's crypticly rhyming Madam Leota, and Terence Stamp as a stone-faced, creepy butler), is that they are not AS obnoxious as they otherwise could be.

BAD BIOLOGY

(2008)

Dir - Frank Henenlotter

Overall: GOOD

The outrageous collaboration Bad Biology between Frank Henenlotter and rapper R.A. the Rugged Man Thorburn is the type of movie that revels in its quirky bad taste while being pretty damn hilarious in the process.  For anyone familiar with Henenlotter's filmography, this follows the trajectory to a tee.  Clearly made well outside of the confines of any studio interference whatsoever, Henenlotter is allowed to be indulgently ridiculous, just with amateur actors and no production values.  Self-financed by Thorburn, it is highly unlikely that a sex romp about a guy with a drug addicted, sentient dick plus a murderous nymphomaniac with seven clitorises who gives "birth" to disposable, crying fetuses within two hours of intercourse could have even gotten made any other way.  Most of the absurdity stems from the premise, but the fact that it looks more like a YouTube video than a proper movie does give an extra laugh-out-loud weight to many of the scenes, particularly the finale where the junkie appendage somehow separates from the rest of its body and flops around several naked women, orgasming them to death on a rampage.  It is interesting to imaging what this could have been with more than about $40 thrown into its budget, but it is certainly worth seeing for those who champion midnight movie madness.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-Three

JEEPERS CREEPERS

(2001)

Dir - Victor Salva

Overall: WOOF

 

"Remember those parts in scary movies where somebody does something really stupid and everyone hates them for it?"  Dropped within the first act, said line of dialog epitomizes exactly what Victor Salva's Jeepers Creepers is too wretchedly idiotic to do anything remotely clever with.  The only reason a movie like this does not end after fifteen minutes is because these characters make the most asinine decisions they possible can, decisions that no one with even half a brain cell would make under any circumstances of any kind, ever.  Salva possibly could redeem such stupidity if the movie exclusively leaned into its slasher parody tendencies as it continued to pile on the cliches with reckless abandon.  Instead though, this makes the unforgivably lazy mistake that most horror movies with such a rightfully dismissed reputation do, which is that it thinks that simply referencing how unforgivably lazy it is in effect makes it not only clever, but even worth anybody's time.  Nope.  Go sit in the corner, think about what you did, and try again.  Better yet, just forget the "try again" part entirely.

PRIMER
(2004)
Dir - Shane Carruth
Overall: MEH
 
Unquestionably unique amongst science fiction thrillers yet also unwatchably befuddling by nature, Shane Carruth's DIY debut Primer is a bold work that deserves its dictators for the same reason that it garnishes its praise.  Shot for a mere seven thousand dollars on the outskirts of Texas with Carruth appearing in the lead along with David Sullivan and a small crop of friends and family, it is a painstakingly researched home movie that tackles quantum physics and casual loop theory in a purposely naturalistic fashion.  Containing relentless technical jargon, overlapping dialog, and zero expository spoon-feeding for any audience member who is not an advanced-level electromagnetic engineer or scientist, the bare bones production aspects make this the antithesis of conventional Hollywood sci-fi.  While the sincere, stripped-down approach is refreshing for the genre that has long been established on pseudo-science simplicity, million dollar laboratories, and neon-lit contraptions, the choice to mirror the narrative on the hopelessly confusing ordeal faced by the characters who try to manipulate their own lives via time travel is one of the most frustrating in any movie.  In layman's terms, (terms of which the film makes every effort to bypass), it is incessantly incomprehensible and should only be approached if one wants a splitting headache afterwards.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT

(2007)

Dir - David Slade

Overall: MEH

 

Originally conceived of as a comic book, then as a film, then becoming a comic book before becoming a film anyway, (long story), 30 Days of Night boasts a nifty premise and some solidly entertaining ideas, but its execution is only partially on point.  Director David Slade chose to adapt the graphic novel as his immediate follow-up to 2005's Hard Candy, with the series creator Steve Niles penning the screenplay along with studio mandated rewrites by Stuart Beattie and Brian Nelson.  Setting a vampire film during a month-long polar night in Alaska is such a no-brainer concept that even Danny Huston's head undead proclaims that they "should have done this years ago".  The primitive, click consonants language that the vampires utilize plus their tar-eyed, jagged teethed look are both evocative and gnarly.  Save Ben Foster's "trying too hard Renfield", the performances are ideally good, with Huston especially making a pretty freaky, blood-sucking pact leader.  Once the movie settles in after its iron-clad set up though, it becomes a bit monotonous.  There are also minor to major annoyances like the fact that 90% of they time, the filmmakers did not bother to add digital breath to anybody even though they are dealing with sub-zero temperatures, plus the screechy monster noises grow as obnoxious as the ADD-riddled, nausea-inducing editing does.  Even for what is essentially a silly genre movie, the finale comes off as both half-baked and borderline preposterous as well, something that probably sounded much more bad-ass on paper than it does on screen.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-Two

WHAT LIES BENEATH

(2000)

Dir - Robert Zemeckis

Overall: MEH

 

Taking a stab at an overtly conventional, supernatural thriller with some Alfred Hitchcock references sprinkled in, Robert Zemeckis' What Lies Beneath is unfortunately everything one would expect from something played so strategically by the books.  The story by Sarah Kernochan and Clark Gregg focuses heavily on the domestic nightmare that gradually unfolds between Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford and it works largely due to the top-notch performances of the two leads.  Both A-listers have a likeable, natural chemistry between them, at least before things fall apart.  They still convey a level of plausible sympathy at that point which could have easily went awry in lesser actor's hands.  The ghostly details involving the central mystery are taken right out of so, so many other movies though to the point of parody.  Outside of a couple of patiently staged, spooky moments, Zemeckis maintains a very formulaic approach that is to the film's detriment.  Dropping the predictable jump scares with few more genuine surprises, perhaps a shorter running time, and some stylistic tweaks could have elevated it to a memorable level, but it is merely a well-produced, mediocre chiller as is.

THE GINGERDEAD MAN

(2005)

Dir - Charles Band

Overall: WOOF

 

"Boy that Charles Band sure can direct a movie" said no one ever.  In order for something like The Gingerdead Man to achieve its intended, stupid-by-design cult status, the presentation has to lean into the ridiculous premise rather hard and rather relentlessly.  Proving that Band and company have no idea what they are actually dealing with then, they spend a truly alarming amount of screen time fleshing out the most forgettable characters imaginable who are played by some of the most forgettable actors imaginable, all trying to tell some sort of actual "story" while Gary Busey's title pastry of doom is delegated to a small handful of shots.  The fact that nothing works plot-wise is to be expected so on that note, this can hardly be seen as a legitimate complaint, but pushing Busey so far to the sidelines when his involvement in such stupidity is the main, (cough, only, cough), attraction is a baffling, inept choice for all of those responsible.  Further bottom-barrel sequels followed this one because of course they did, but without the use of psychedelic drugs to enhance what the filmmakers failed to provide for us themselves, one can fairly chalk this up to an embarrassing failure that drops the ball on its idiot-proof, trash potential in virtually every respect.

CARRIERS

(2009)

Dir - Àlex Pastor/David Pastor

Overall: MEH

 

Filmed in 2006 though not released until three years later after star Chris Pine's A-list turn as Capt. Kirk in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot, Carriers is one of countless post-apocalyptic, zombie-esque films to emerge within the turn of the 21st century and largely because of that, it is quite forgettable.  Writer/director/brother team Àlex and David Pastor offer up a particularly dour as well as utterly hopeless take on the tired formula where a rag-tag group of people try to survive a contagious outbreak while suffering the traumatic loss of their loved ones.  It is an "everyone out for themselves" scenario that is particularly miserable without having anything insightful to say as it recalls a whole lot of stuff that has been seen before, particularly various plot points in 28 Days Later to name an obvious source of then current inspiration/plagiarism.  For anyone who is absolutely jonesing to see innocent, well-meaning characters consistently getting killed, infected, and/or left behind in a persistently heart-breaking manner, look no further than here.  For the rest of us that unfortunately stumble across what this movie has to offer, Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland would provide a much needed pallet cleanser.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty-One

HAIR HIGH

(2004)

Dir - Bill Plympton

Overall: GOOD

 

An early rock and roll era, high school comedy send-up with eccentric animation and a back from the dead finale, Bill Plympton's Hair High is deliriously deranged "cult movie" material due to its sheer singularity alone.  Plympton's quirky style truly embraces the limitless, exaggerated potential inherent in the animated medium and had already won an Oscar as well as been featured on MTV's Animania and Liquid Television by the time he got around to this particular full-length.  The humor is so utterly bizarre that it is likely to delight avant-garde fans who are already fond of Grease, the macabre, juvenile sex jokes, and Ren & Stimpy tinged absurdity.  Another interesting aspect is the all-star cast, even down to the most minor of roles with Justin Long, Sarah Silverman, Tom Noonan, Matt Groening, Beverley D'Angelo, Ed Begley Jr., and both Keith and David Carradine all making an appearance.  The musical soundtrack by Hank Bones, (a frequent collaborator with Plympton), is a convincing pastiche of late 50s surfer rock with a hilarious, school-rallying cheerleader anthem thrown in as well.

 

SPLINTER

(2008)

Dir - Toby Wilkins

Overall: MEH

 

Shot in Oklahoma with a small cast and on a tight budget that nevertheless produces some passable special effects, (even if most of them are barely noticeable due to the hyper-cut, twitchy editing), a movie like Toby Wilkins' second full-length Splinter still largely hinges on idiotic behavior amongst its characters to move the plot along, which is a set-back that many a horror movie throughout the last century has proven incapable of bypassing.  By the time the second act is winding down, we have been introduced to our main characters, half of whom are despicable scumbags that are effortlessly holding the other half hostage.  When unforeseen circumstances escalate and they find all parties involved not only cooperating but also bonding together, a small yet crucial amount of moronic decisions that got them in such a predicament makes everyone on screen come across like an annoying dumb-dumb who is not likely to garnish enough sympathy from anyone watching.  The second act stalls when everyone gets trapped and they contemplate their scenario, which ultimately comes down to hiding from a pair of severed hands that run around like a hyped-up spider.  Some of the humor is intended in what is essentially a gritted up B-movie, but just as much seems accidental and the entire affair never becomes all that interesting.

GRACE

(2009)

Dir - Paul Solet

Overall: MEH

 

Writer/director Paul Solet's Grace is a gross, somewhat compelling, and ultimately uneven musing on obsessive maternal attachment that does not really answer any of the questions it raises.  A full-length debut for Solet and one that was based off of a short film of the same name, some of the issues lie in the underwritten characters who exhibit questionable behavior that is logically off-putting in perhaps unintentional ways.  While the traumatized plight of Jordan Ladd's protagonist is firmly established, her loony tunes, unsympathetically possessive mother in law and overtly concerned midwife come across as if large sections of their backstory are essential to what transpires, yet we are given no such backstories.  A zombie/vampire baby delivers the creeps on a conceptual level and Solet wisely steers away from depicting the newborn as a Spirit Halloween yard decoration, which makes it more naturally unsettling.  Still, other elements like New Age alternate lifestyles and veganism are kind of tossed into the mix without any proper footing, coming off as mere haphazard concepts that seem irrelevant when everything reaches its violent, nasty climax.  There is either a more brazen, camped-up B-movie here or a better, sincere examination of motherhood to be respectfully dealt with.  Unfortunately though, it drops the ball in both potential respects.

2000's American Horror Part Twenty

THE WOODS

(2006)

Dir - Lucky McKee

Overall: MEH

 

Lucky McKee's next full-length directorial effort The Woods follows his fantastic, quirky breakout May and is one of the countless horror films to use the "orphanages/boarding schools are inherently creepy" motif.  Sadly, it does so in a highly conventional, bog-standard manner where teenage bully dynamics, romantically flowing music, a parody-worthy montage of a spooky old legend that is of course true, lots of floaty whispers on the soundtrack, and characters being unnecessarily cryptic are all played in an equally boring and serious manner.  Speaking of serious manner, it is highly unusual to see Bruce Campbell here in a minor, straight man role, but he does get to puke up green goo and a bit of a tree branch for chuckles.  Narratively, obvious connections can be drawn to Suspiria as far as the bare-bones premise goes, but the supernatural occurrences in David Ross' script are not particularly strange enough to warrant their arbitrary nature.  Coupled with the very generic presentation, everything in effect seems half-baked and far less atmospheric than it should be.

HOME SICK
(2007)
Dir - Adam Wingard
Overall: WOOF
 
An ugly, abysmal, and thematically incompetent debut from director Adam Wingrad and writer/producer E.L. Katz, Home Sick apparently took six years to be released because somebody must have owed someone a favor in that it did not take SEVEN years to be released.  Shot on what looks like half the budget of Andrew Jordan's notorious anti-masterpiece Things, it inexplicably features Tom Towles, a cameo from Bill Moseley, and not so surprisingly Troma "star" Tiffany Shepis, yet everyone else on board are people who you have rightfully never heard of.  While Towles and Mosely seem to be enjoying themselves for the half day that the production was able to hire them, everyone else on screen gives unbearably insufferable performances which at least seem appropriate due to the asinine material that they have to work with.  The whole thing is as tonally askew as any from a first time filmmaker, simultaneously going for disturbed, David Lynch weirdness, SOV splatter, and heavy metal skuzz.  With top-to-bottom awful characters who mug, scream, mope, and chew the scenery, its demon psycho killer whatever story-line is pathetically plotted, answering none of the questions that it raises in place of allowing everyone to rant and rave like cartoon characters instead.

CLOVERFIELD

(2008)

Dir - Matt Reeves

Overall: GOOD

 

The post Paranormal Activity found footage resurgence was in solid swing a year later when director Matt Reeves, screenwriter Drew Goddard, and producer J.J. Abrams utilized the framework for a "giant monster destroys a city" story in Cloverfirled.  Historically speaking, such Godzilla styled movies are inherently boring when the skyscraper sized beast is not on camera, mostly due to the fact that the bulk of the running time revolves around scientists and military personal standing around and discussing what is going on, (or in the best case scenario) also going out in the trenches to deal first hand with the destruction.  A wise move was taken here to exclusively focus on the "out in the trenches" part, catching an intimate view of a possible Lovecraftian entity showing up out of absolutely nowhere and turning Manhattan into a chaos-ridden no man's land within mere moments.  As is often unavoidable, the found footage presentation begs the question as to who is editing all of this and presenting it in such a user-friendly, three act structure, but despite T.J. Miller's mostly obnoxious, comic relief cameraman, the simplistic drama between the young, attractive, upper class characters is tolerable due to the amount of riveting, heart-racing set pieces that keep taking center stage.

2000's American Horror Part Nineteen

BONES

(2001)

Dir - Ernest Dickerson

Overall: MEH

 

As a modern day blaxploitation horror outing from director Ernest Dickerson, Bones has a persistently formulaic presentation that still manages to be fun either in spite of or because of its campy homage aesthetics.  The story from Adam Simon and Tim Metcalfe follows the supernatural revenge framework to a tee, with the audience being completely behind Snoop Dogg's resurrected title character as he invokes mostly deserving comeuppance upon his wrong-doers.  Tone-wise, it is identical to the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise; a steady melding of freaky and violent imagery, frightened, straight performances, and unabashed schlock.  Dickerson even throws some references to Dario Argento's Surpiria in as well, with bright red blood and maggots falling from the ceiling because why not?  Despite the novelty of the inner city setting and seeing Snoop in the diabolical lead, it is a pretty textbook affair that is not likely to wow anyone who is expecting some sort of potent, social critique of disenfranchised neighborhoods and corruption.  Yet for those who simply want to see Snoop Dogg toss some still-speaking severed heads into a wall that is made up of icky, tarred souls who are screaming in damnation, this movie has you covered.

ALTERED

(2006)

Dir - Eduardo Sánchez

Overall: MEH

For his first solo directorial venture following The Blair Witch Project, Eduardo Sánchez dropped the found footage angle entirely, making the more conventional if still modestly budgeted Altered.  As far as a concept goes, a story about alien abduction survivors out for revenge is not one that has been done too many times, but Jamie Nash's script botches most of its potential with hare-brained plotting.  Right from the get go, the testosterone-ridden characters practically foam at the mouth while screaming "mother fucker" at each other in southern accents and for various reasons, the movie turns into more of an unintentional comedy as it goes on.  The villainous extraterrestrial looks halfway decent, but he gets enough screen time in standard lighting to make the "guy in a rubber suite" appearance a bit too goofy to buy into.  Particular rules are established between the aliens and their telepathic linkage and transformative relationships with humans, but such rules are kind of half-baked and all of the angry, machismo posturing from everyone taking things oh so seriously does not help the audience from chuckling when they probably should be both intrigued and spooked out.  If it is indeed purposeful schlock, then it could use a few more nods and winks to the viewer, but as a sincere bit of emotionally intense horror, it drops the ball.

 

I SELL THE DEAD

(2008)

Dir - Glenn McQuaid

Overall: GOOD

After collaborating with horror renascence man Larry Fessenden on two previous projects, special effects guy turned writer/director Glenn McQuaid delivered his full-length debut with the efficiently comedic I Sell the Dead.  A fleshed-out version of his 2005 short film The Resurrection Apprentice which had a more serious tone, the presentation here is anything but.  Mildly goofy high jinks plus jaunty music play throughout a grave-robbing buddy story that goes for and achieves a number of macabre laughs along the way.  Ron Pearlman makes a mysterious, intimidating presence and Angus Scrimm gets to play the violin in one of his small handful of scenes, but the movie primarily hinges on the likeability and chemistry between Fesseden and Dominic Monaghan as the more slapsticky, alcohol-pickled Burke and Hare duo.  McQuaid's love for the genre is unmistakable in every scene, yet it wisely does not adhere to strict throwback rules even if the period setting and various details are absolutely nothing new to horror movies from decades past.  It works due to the lighthearted nature of the homage material so things like Creepshow-styled animated transitions and vampires sit right at home with Monaghan and Fesseden having a pint-drinking contest while gleefully abusing their cockney accents.