Wednesday, December 24, 2025

100 Favorite Rolling Stones Songs: 100 - 81

 
Opening up the UK version of Between the Buttons, "Yesterday's Papers" was authored solely by Mick Jagger and it is one of several Rolling Stones songs that indulges in misogynistic lyrics.  Allegedly inspired by the frontman's then recent ex Chrissie Shrimpton, one hardly needs to guess what the chorus line "Who wants yesterday's papers?" refers to, but at least this one is more sly with its intent as opposed to say "Stupid Girl" per metaphor-free example.  As he was wont to do, Brian Jones plays something besides guitar on here, providing the vibraphone while non-Stones member Jack Nitzsche lays down the harpsichord.  It represents one of several examples where the band was experimenting with different pop forms during their earlier days, this baring none of their patented blues or R&B influences.
 
 
The first and best single released off of one of the Rolling Stones' less admired albums Dirty Work, "Harlem Shuffle" is also one of several covers that got released as such, the original being done by the R&B duo Bob & Earl back in 1963, (that intro of which was later sampled in House of Pain's "Jump").  It has a notable music video that combined the band miming along with animation from The Ren & Stimpy Show's problematic creator John Kricfalusi, the live-action portion ironically directed by another known animator, Ralph Bakshi of Fritz the Cat fame.  The Stones' interpretation is unique enough to justify its existence, stripping the horns away to be played on guitar and organ, the band delivering it in their standard loose and dirty fashion, even if the whole record was one of their few to suffer from some dated 1980s production.
 
 
A tongue-in-cheek title track, "Some Girls" raised a few eyebrows when it was initially released due to the line "Black girls just want to get fucked all night," followed by Mick Jagger's own Caucasian proclamation "I just don't have that much jam".  It is easy to see the humor in such objectifying silliness though, as Jagger is admittingly taking the piss out of such chauvinistic observations.  The lyrics read as a list of such things, inspired by Jagger strolling into the Paris recording sessions with two African girls that he had been up all night rolling in ze hay with, trying to make them and everyone else laugh with whatever self-deflating machismo he could come up with.  With a lazy swamped-out feel, the song is textbook for the band's vibe which they had solidified by the late 1970s, Sugar Blue's guest harmonica providing a welcomed accompaniment.
 
97.  Star Star
 
Opening and continuing with a blatant Chuck Berry riff, (Berry long being recognized as Keith Richards' biggest axe-slinging idol), Goat Heads Soup's closer "Star Star" is one of the raunchiest 70s Stones song, which is saying something.  The chorus is merely Mick Jagger singing "Starfucker" over and over again, with further lyrics addressing missing a woman's legs wrapped around him tight, wanting to make her scream all night, getting tongues beneath her hood, how clean her pussy is, and well, you get the idea.  It exemplifies this era of the band, where the drugs and ladies were both in excessive amounts and the name of the game was rock and roll decadence.  Considering the fact that The Rolling Stones were the roaring statesmen for such behavior by their own design, why not have a song that addresses such things in crystal clear detail?
 
 
For their to-date final studio album Hackney Diamonds and first to be done after Charlie Watts' death, The Rolling Stones brought in a number of A-list guests more in a celebratory fashion than in any attempt to boost sales.  That said, the inclusion of Lady Gaga on the penultimate track "Sweet Sounds of Heaven" and the fact that it was put out as a single hardly screams accidental, not least of all because it also features Stevie Wonder on keys.  Star-studded line-up aside, the nearly seven and a half minute track is epic in the classical slow R&B sense, with Gaga coming in around the two-minute mark like a sweet soul sister, vamping with and echoing Jagger's lyric throughout, the latter reaching some of his highest screeches in years.  Simple in structure, the song builds in intensity like a glorious gospel hymn, simmering back down after five and a half minutes only to rise back up again, hands to the lord presumably.

 
Lead guitarist Mick Taylor lends some of his virtuosic abilities to the bass with the It's Only Rock 'n Roll closer "Fingerprint File".  A deliberate slow funk song that points towards the direction which the band would indulge in more prominently with their next few releases, Taylor lays down an infections four-string hook around the two minute mark that he continues to play the shit out of, with the Stones' official bassist Bill Wyman hoping on synthesizer.  Billy Preston and Nicky Hopkins, (both frequent collaborators with the band), are tickling the ivories on clavinet and piano respectively, with Keith Richards appropriately leaning on the wah pedal throughout.  Lyrically, Mick Jagger gives it a sinister edge by musing about government monitoring, delivering some of his whispery spoken word improvisations towards the end.
 
 
The second Rolling Stones single that was not a cover, "Heart of Stones' is an early songwriting effort from Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, and one that is noticeably derivative of the type of American R&B/lamenting love ballads that the band was clearly found of.  Yet when it comes to authoring your own material, hey, write what you know.  Phil Spector collaborator Jack Nitzsche shows up on piano and tambourine, which is fitting since the mix has a cavernous aura to it that is adjacent to Spector's famous "Wall of Sound", if not as excessive by comparison.  Also appearing on Out of Our Heads in the UK and The Rolling Stones Now in the US, it showed that the band were capable of delivering their own hits without relying on Chuck Berry or other influences for material.
 
 
This Bridges to Babylon single is unique in that it is the only Rolling Stones song to feature a sample, (hence Biz Markie's random appearance just over halfway in), as well as for the band throwing k.d. lang and her songwriting partner Ben Mink a bone with a credit since the chorus bares a resemblance to her 1992 mega hit "Constant Craving".  To be honest, there have been much closer acts of either deliberate or accidental plagiarism that have come down the pop music pike, but Jagger and Richards clearly had enough publishing royalties of their own at this point, so why not share the wealth as to avoid a potential law suit.  A dark, groove-oriented ballad that is a clear example of the Stones trying to stay hip from a production standpoint, (with Charlie Watts' hip-hop ready beat and an accompanying music video starring Angelina Jolie to boot), the band was never afraid of dabbling in contemporary styles, and this is the best example of such an attempt on said album.
 
 
Reminiscent of their late 1970s period where dance elements were prominently explored, "Rain Fall Down" was the second single off of 2005's A Bigger Bang.  Its accompanying record was their most consistent in some time, the Stones settling back into their strengths here with a track that would have fit perfectly in with some of the loose funk/reggae hybrids on Black and Blue.  Whereas that record sounded all hot, messy and bothered, the elder statesmen come off as chill and tight here within a similar groove-based framework.  The one chord guitar hook is right out of James Brown or Kool and the Gang, the rhythm section thumping along as Mick Jagger regales us with some dingy atmosphere around a rainy night hook up while the phone keeps ringing.  We can presume adultery was afoot.
 
 
Initially written for his 2001 solo album Goddess in the Doorway, Mick Jagger said that he kept "Don't Stop" to the side as he found it to have more potential as a future Rolling Stones song.  The finished results wound up serving as the lead off single to Forty Licks, their greatest hits compilation the following year.  This was the best of the four new songs recorded for said project, a simple two-chord, upbeat yet chill track that stomps more than grooves.  It also features guitar not only from Ron Wood, (providing the leads), and Keith Richards providing the hook, but also Jagger himself on rhythm as he has been wont to lay down from time to time.  Considering the title, it was a perfectly sly addition to a retrospective album and tour, signifying that indeed the Stones are not likely to stop until each and every one of them drops dead.
 
90.  Tell Me
 
The first Jagger/Richards A-side that The Rolling Stones released, (and in turn proved successful enough to grant them the confidence to further pursue the whole songwriting thing), 1964's "Tell Me" is a typical pop ballad in the vein of American Motown and 50s era rock and roll.  This makes senses of course since the band was already well-versed in such material, this early stab at an original showing their roots and lining up with the other Buddy Holly or Marvin Gaye songs that they were fond of doing at the time.  Along with "Jumpin' Jack Flash", it was also the first of many Stones songs to show up in a Martin Scorsese movie, both appearing in Mean Streets.  While the production is primitive compared to later recordings, it still has a forlorn and roomy sound which is fitting for a broken heart lyric about wanting a woman to come back to you.
 
89.  You Got Me Rocking
 
The first three singles put out from The Rolling Stones' 1994 "comeback album", (and first without Billy Wyman), Voodoo Lounge were the obvious highlights, "You Got Me Rocking" remaining a live staple for years afterwards since it sounds as if it was concocted for a crowd to groove and shout along to.  Yet in fact, the song's beginning was far removed from its eventual upbeat form, originally being a bluesy piano number with Keith Richards on lead vocals as well as ivories.  Thankfully for commercial purposes, he and Jagger eventually polished it and increased the tempo, the lyrics fittingly dealing with oneself being picked up and motivated from an outside force.  Knowing Jagger, it was probably a supermodel who was three times younger than he was.
 
88.  Little T&A
 
Of course The Rolling Stones would have a song about tits and ass, and of course it would be sung by their poster boy for rock and roll hedonism, Keith Richards.  Like the majority of Tattoo You, "Little T&A" originally stemmed from an earlier recording session, Richards largely composing it on his lonesome for their previous record Emotional Rescue.  He performed most of the guitar, the lead vocals, and the bass, with the rest of the band providing handclaps and Jagger joining him on the "She's my little rock and roll" choruses.  There is not much to the song conceptually or musically, but that is exactly what makes it great.  It is a textbook sleaze anthem for the band, reveling in Richard's highly publicized and aloof decadence and womanizing which was still in full swing as the band entered the 1980s.
 
 
Perhaps the most amazing thing about The Rolling Stones' first bona fide masterpiece Beggars Banquet, (amongst many amazing things), is that it was their best album up to that point to indulged in their eclectic musical tastes, "Factory Girl" being an acoustic Appalachian-via Celtic folk jig equipped with fiddle and mandolin.  It also has Rocky Dijon on congas and Charlie Watts playing Indian tabla drums incorrectly, meaning with sticks.  This makes it the perfect melding of styles, such clashing influences jiving beautifully within a song that barely extends beyond the two minute mark and seems as if it was birthed out of nowhere, yet with roots in more antiqued and earthy music than mere American blues, country, rock, and R&B.
 
 
Ron Wood was the driving force behind the best song on the less appreciated Undercover album, the non-single "Pretty Beat Up".  Keith Richards conceived of the title and also played bass on it, (Bill Wyman switching to electric piano), and Wood authored the riff and chord sequence.  Aside from that lowdown, funk-inspired guitar hook, the other element that pops most is David Sanborn's excellent saxophone work, which runs appropriately rampant as the song progresses.  This also has another in a then steady line of four-on-the-floor dance grooves from the always exemplary Charlie Watts, with Mick Jagger's lyrics fitting the record's heavy-handed, dirty and dingy vibe.  After all, this is the Rolling Stones album with their ode to serial killers and slasher movies "Too Much Blood" on it.  This track is at least comparatively easier to dance to that than one.
 
85.  Dance Little Sister
 
Sounding like the world's greatest and most infections bar band, (which they would often sound like), The Rolling Stones do little more with the It's Only Rock 'n Roll highlight "Dance Little Sister" than getting some asses to shake.  Mick Jagger was soon to be making the official disco rounds in New York City around the time, this track propping up the type of excessive partying and letting loose that the 1970s would in turn become infamous for.  The Stones of course reveled in this infamy as much as any rock band during such an era, but the lyrics here are overall more jovial than overtly sleazed-out.  It is one of those textbook songs for the group, or perhaps more appropriately a textbook Jagger song, the frontman long renowned for his limber, duck-faced rug-cutting on stage.
 
84.  Connection
 
A Between the Buttons non-single highlight, "Connection" mostly stems from the mind of Keith Richards who shares a majority of the lead vocals with his frontman Mick Jagger.  Being the second Stones album to feature all Jagger/Richards originals, this track showcases the group's increasing penchant for experimentation with different styles, be it of a more stripped down and less psychedelic variety.  It is in and out in just over two minutes, a jaunty and driving pop tune that references some of the annoyances that the ever busy touring group faced during their travels.  Airport security check-ins, fans trying to get a piece of them, doctors sticking needles in them, all keeping the song's author from getting back to his baby or whoever is waiting for him back home.  
 
83.  Jigsaw Puzzle
 
Another Beggars Banquet gem that has to date never been performed live by the band, "Jigsaw Puzzle" is the second longest song on the record, clocking in at over six minutes.  Monotonous in structure with a Mellotron whine performed by Brian Jones, as well as Keith Richards providing an equally droney slide guitar throughout, (Mick Jagger being on acoustic guitar), it can be seen as the Stones' answer to a meandering Bob Dylan song, with elusive lyrics about mentholated sandwiches, religious looking gangsters, twenty-thousand grandmas waving their handkerchiefs, and the singer just trying to solve his jigsaw puzzle before it rains some more.  The fun is how it all poetically delights in the absurd, a misfit country blues anthem that just plods along with one of those countless top-notch Charlie Watts grooves.
 
 
With Bill Wyman out of the picture, The Rolling Stones soldiered on with Darryl Jones in the non-official member position as their new bass player, "Love Is Strong" being the opening track and opening single from their first post-Wyman album Voodoo Lounge.  Anyone who watched either MTV or VH1 at the time will remember its accompanying black and white, David Fincher-directed music video being played numerous times a day, where they were giants amongst New York skyscrapers.  Keith Richards was mostly behind the song which was worked on while Mick Jagger was touring for his 1993 solo album Wandering Spirit.  The singer eventually came in, added some fantastic harmonica phrasing, tweaked the lyrics, (the title originally being "Love Is Strange"), and dropping the vocal down an octave to give it the right kind of Jagger-via-Barry White sexual intensity.
 
 
"100 Years Ago" is an interesting Goats Head Soup track in that it features Mick Taylor on background vocals as well as providing all of the guitar, (including of course the wonderful fade-out wah-wah solo), with Keith Richards switching to bass while Bill Wyman probably had his eyes on teenage groupies or something.  Authored primarily by Mick Jagger, it was allegedly a few years old by the time that the band got to properly working on it, the singer lamenting getting older and how long ago certain moments felt, all at the spry-by-comparison age of thirty mind you.  It is broken up into three sections, a mid-tempo ballad, the soul "Call me Lazybones" breakdown, and a faster jam vamp, all of which are dominated by Billy Preston's funky clavinet which he played frequently with the band at this point.

100 Favorite Rolling Stones Songs


100 Favorite Rolling Stones Songs

It has been over eight years since I ranked the material from a particular artist, this latest venture therefor being long overdue.  Having gotten The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, and Kiss out of the way, next up is England's newest hit makers, the often described greatest rock and roll band of all time, (and as John Lennon would say, "Your hosts for this evening..."), The Rolling Stones.
 
Everyone reading this, (plus trillions of other people who never will), have obviously heard of The Rolling Stones and ergo hardly need an introductory history lesson on them.  That being said, here is one anyway.  On top of consistently maintaining legendary status for their lingering influence having come up shortly after The Beatles emergence in the mainstream, (thus being the next biggest fellow English group to usher in the British Invasion), the Stones may be the longest running of any such band ever.  Having stayed active for over six decades, some members have left, some have died, some records are more revered than others, and some eras were more prolific and consistently brilliant than others.  Their humble beginnings as a blues/early rock 'n roll/R&B combo established a lingering focal point, even as they quickly morphed into a more eclectic outfit, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger becoming formidable songwriters who tapped into everything from pop music, to country, to psychedelia, to reggae, to disco, to punk throughout their many years.
 
They also dabbled in hilariously loud and bad 80s attire, as did many.

As should go without saying but shall be said anyway, this list is a personal ranking and is not beholden to any public discourse.  I have my own favorites, and there are certain songs here that will be obvious and are enormously popular even amongst non-Stones cultists.  There will also be glaring omissions of other household name songs.  Warning up front and per example, "Satisfaction" is not on here since A) it defines the term "overplayed" and B ) I agree with its author Keith Richards in never being a fan of it to begin with.  I also did not put "We Will Rock Your" or "We Are the Champions" on my 100 Favorite Queens Songs list for similar reasons, namely that Keith is not wild about them either, (said statement needs verification).
 
What is here though covers each era of the band, though like many people, I too am partial to their late 1960s-early 70s run of flawless material.  Beginning with Beggar's Banquet through their masterpiece Exile on Main Street, The Rolling Stones were just delivering some of the most amazing music possible, and these songs take up a significant majority, (as well as the upper spots), of what is here.  That said, there were standouts from their earliest records all the way up until their most recent at this writing and first since Charlie Watts' passing, 2023's Hackney Diamonds.  Every studio album is represented sans their 2016 blues cover release Blue & Lonesome, (which is still damn good mind you), as I primarily focused on the band's original compositions, though there are exceptions to this preference.  Anyway, enough of this gay banter, and as Mr. Burns would say, "Have The Rolling Stones killed!".  Oh, wait, that's no good.  I mean, as Keith would say, "I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police."  Haven't we all Keith, haven't we all.

Tuesday, December 23, 2025

A Ghost Story for Christmas Part Four

MARTIN'S CLOSE
(2019)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: MEH
 
For anyone assuming that A Ghost Story for Christmas was going to get back on the slow boil and moody aesthetic of its bygone era when returning to M.R. James for the source material, (as opposed to the previous year's contemporary-set original segment The Dead Room), the ruinous tone of Martin's Close will squash those hopes.  This is the program's most overtly comedic episode yet, at least in comparison to everything that came before.  Writer/director Mark Gatiss tries to balance characters taking things seriously while others take them not at all seriously, always in the same scene and always causing a jarring viewing experience.  Elliot Levey's eccentric performance of a judge who cannot stop amusing himself while a young man is on trial for murder, (all while Peter Capaldi melodramatically prosecutes said young man and we infrequently cut to Simon Williams narrating things with a bit of Vincent Price campiness at his disposal), kills any and all atmospheric spookiness.  That is until the finale which drops one eerie showstopper, or at least it would be an eerie showstopper if the rest of the presentation was not so inconsistent.  Gatiss seems to be having fun by turning this into "The Cloak" segment from The House That Dripped Blood, so for anyone who does not mind the misplaced nyuck nyucks, knock yourself out.
 
THE MEZZOTINT
(2021)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: GOOD
 
It took seven episodes in sixteen years for the annual, resurrected A Ghost Story for Christmas program to deliver something that was not undone by its faults.  While 2021's M.R. James adaptation The Mezzotint still does not come close to the 1970s run of the author's reworkings in overall quality, it keeps its Amicus/Hammer camp at arm's length enough to achieve the proper menace that the source material relies on.  Mark Gatiss had been running the show for four entries at this time, and he wisely omits the glaring tonal issues that plagued his other installments while still offering up some throwback popcorn horror vibes, such as a ghoulish monster reveal and a hammed-up performance from Frances Barber.  The premise about a 19th century mezzotint with a mind of its own recalls the celebrated Night Gallery pilot episode, but Gatiss makes some well-suited additions to James' narrative.  These alterations raise the stakes and enhance an inevitable finish where not just Rory Kinnear's typical and scholarly James protagonist grows concerned over the supernatural predicament at hand, but his colleagues do as well, subverting the trope where only our main character is getting spooked while everyone else merely grows concerned for their friend's mental stability.
 
COUNT MAGNUS
(2022)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: MEH
 
While not aggressively goofy, Count Magnus does feature an eccentrically jovial protagonist played by Jason Watkins, one who allows for writer/director Mark Gatiss to keep things more on the popcorn entertainment side, be it of the still ghoulish variety.  This is not a bad thing, as A Ghost Story for Christmas had been cruising in such a lane through its modern incarnation, at least ever since Gatiss took the wheel.  It is just something to come to terms with if one is to engage in these annual spookshow yarns on their own terms while not endlessly comparing them to the stylistically different 1970s incarnations.  On that note, the show's original director Lawrence Gordon Clark had wanted to do this particular yarn during his tenure, but the BBC and their steadfast insistence on spending as little money as possible prevented the location shooting in Sweden.  No matter since this version was shot in England anyway.  Gatiss may love his M.R. James tales as much as he enjoys getting to adapt them in such a format after the BBC's small screen tradition had been retired for decades, but he has both a modern sensibility and an unavoidable itch to wink at the audience along the way.  Embracing such a tactic then, this one is acceptable if not remarkable.
 
LOT NO. 249
(2023)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: GOOD
 
The first A Ghost Story for Christmas segment to be based on a work from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lot No. 249 nevertheless follows the pattern that Mark Gatiss has consistently set for the program ever since the writer/director took it over some years and entries before.  Gatiss is unapologetically making his own Amicus horror shorts with each of these annual throwbacks, yet the tale chosen here was also adapted in Tales from the Darkside: The Movie in a similar vein that mixes schlock and the macabre.  This interpretation sticks to the period setting of Doyle's original, emphasizes the gay subtext, and throws in a reference to Sherlock Holmes because the author apparently can never escape the shadow cast by his most famous creation, even in this case when resurrected Egyptian mummies are concerned.  Said monster looks fantastic, especially considering the fact that this was a typically tight-budgeted BBC production that was allegedly shot in only four days.  Kit Harrington makes a fine protagonist who tries to get to the bottom of and then stop the ghastly shenanigans that are going down at Oxford University, but Freddie Fox wears his villainous intentions on his sleeve in a performance that pushes things into camp terrain.  Even those unfamiliar with the source material will be able to predict every beat before it happens, but it is fine popcorn fodder for those who are not looking for anything wheel-inventing.
 
WOMAN OF STONE
(2024)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: MEH
 
Four years straight brought forth just as many annual A Ghost Story for Christmas installments, the most steady run since the program's 1970s heyday.  Woman of Stone once again steps away from the works of M.R. James, this time adapting Edith Nesbit's 19th century short story "Man-Size in Marble" which writer/director Mark Gatiss has gone on record as stating was the first supernatural tale that he ever read.  It fits the period and throwback agenda for the series, making it a logical addition as opposed to merely a passion project for Gatiss to shoehorn in.  The structure is faulty where Celia Imrie plays Nesbit herself, regaling her fanboy doctor with this particular tale which features yet another character regaling two other people with yet another tale.  Each timeline is bounced back and forth, giving this a disjointed and rushed feel on top of the predictable and macabre outcome.  Gatiss is still presenting these episodes with more tongue-in-cheek glee than any desire, (or ability, if one is to be cynical), to create an intoxicating mood of supernatural suggestion and mounting dread.  Some of his other to-date seven segments are more goofy, but this one is just underwhelming, proving that either some more evocative material or a new approach is needed to elevate these above being merely half-hour time fillers.

Monday, December 22, 2025

A Ghost Story for Christmas Part Three

A VIEW FROM A HILL
(2005)
Dir - Luke Watson
Overall: MEH
 
After over two decades, A Ghost Story for Christmas returns with A View from a Hill.  The long wait for a revival should at least appease fans of the original series in the fact that it seems to pick up where it left off, adopting a still and flashless approach that is heavy on mood and deliberate pacing.  It is also of course an adaptation of another M.R. James tale as most of the 1970's BBC run was, period set and concerning a mild-mannered protagonist whose curiosity in supernatural affairs causes some unwanted shenanigans.  Director Luke Watson seems to have done his homework, offering up the kind of vintage and chilled scares that work on drawn-out dread instead of jumps or busy editing.  First time screenwriter Peter Harness' script throws in some humor early on to make the unhurried presentation go down easier, but regrettably, it fails to unsettle the bones as much as would be preferred.  It is in keeping with the previous James adaptations whereas things wrap up just as they are getting going, but there is not enough meat on this story's bones to warrant the wait.  If in the proper and forgiving mood though, viewers may find that it scratches a nostalgic itch well enough to recommend.
 
NUMBER 13
(2006)
Dir - Pier Wilkie
Overall: MEH
 
Sticking to the traditional one episode per year structure as did the original A Ghost Story for Christmas program, (until they would take sporadic breaks from here on out), Number 13 emerges as another throwback M.R. James adaptation.  Unfortunately though, it is front-to-back poor.  As far as the source material goes, it sticks to James' chosen forte of pitting unassuming scholars up against the supernatural, but director Pier Wilkie adapts an incorrect tone that seems like it is a hurry to get to its embarrassingly executed ghost activity instead of gradually building a foreboding and chill mood.  Modern day horror hacks such as scary music accommodating every would-be spooky scene robs them of the type of nerve-wracking intimacy that was usually achieved for the program.  It also has a doofy tone, where Greg Wise's antagonist is an unlikable smirking fellow and Tom Burke plays his annoying hotel neighbor who drinks and womanizes too much for the former's liking.  Also, the digital production is cheap and has none of the rustic authenticity to match its period setting.  So in other words, it makes one mistake after the other and may ward potential viewers off who were afraid that the modern day relaunch would do everything wrong that it used to do right.
 
WHISTLE AND I'LL COME TO YOU
(2010)
Dir - Andy De Emmony
Overall: MEH
 
Officially bringing M.R. James' celebrated "Whistle and I'll Come to You" into the A Ghost Story for Christmas catalog, (the originally broadcasted 1968 adaptation helped inspire the series yet was technically part of the BBC documentary strand Omnibus), this version is significantly tweaked from its source material by screenwriter Neil Cross.  This is hardly a bad thing on paper, since it differentiates itself from its popular counterpart, justifying its existence more than just being a contemporary-set retread of the exact same beats.  Also not a bad thing is John Hurt's wonderful performance as a man who has cared for his invalid wife of many decades, only recently delegating that responsibility to a rest home where he finally has the solitude to contemplate his past, morn for his vegetable-like spouse, and come to terms with the remaining years that he has left.  He chooses to do this in a remote coastline town during the off season of a hotel that he is practically the only occupant of, or so it would seem.  While director Andy De Emmony maintains an exceptional low-key mood that channels the very same tactics used by Lawrence Gordon Clark in the original series, the entire "whistling" angle is gone, leaving just a small series of arbitrary ghost activity to provide a deflating climax.

THE TRACTATE MIDDOTH
(2013)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: MEH

The first relaunched A Ghost Story for Christmas installment to be both written and directed by Mark Gatiss, (who has so far handled each duty for the program since), The Tractate Middoth is a mixed bag of sorts.  Another M.R. James adaptation which had been brought to the small screen a handful of times going back to the 1950s, Gatiss "updates" the tale to that very decade, tweaking further elements like new characters and an ending that leaves itself hanging for further malevolence to unfold.  The presentation is too pristine and digital to convey anything besides pedestrian scares, (plus it teeters on having a schlocky tone, especially where David Ryall's portrayal of a cartoonish and cackling grump is concerned), but one can still make out some channeling on Gatiss' part of the original program's director Lawrence Gordon Clark who would cut the sound during the intense bits without reverting to cheap jump scares.  Perhaps due to the compact thirty-six minute running time, this lacks the lingering pacing that enhances the suggestive spookiness in James' source material, another thing that Clark consistently delivered during the show's 1970s run.  It all makes for a glossy yet sterile watch, one that is done with love yet seems to have its tongue in its cheek when it should be taking itself more seriously.
 
THE DEAD ROOM
(2018)
Dir - Mark Gatiss
Overall: MEH
 
After a five year break and taking over the series with the traditional M.R. James reworking "The Tractate Middoth" in 2013, writer/director Mark Gatiss offered up his first original A Ghost Story for Christmas tale with The Dead Room.  Serving as a modern day reworking of the 1978 Irish short film A Child's Voice, the camp element is more pronounced than the program ever allowed in either of its incarnations, as Simon Callow plays a crotchety "back in my day" thespian who has been the bellowing voice of a horror radio program for five decades running.  In between lamenting the good ole days and scoffing at the more self-aware yarns that he is employed to read now, (mirroring the nod and a wink tone maintained by Gatiss himself), Callow also experiences random bouts of unexplained phenomena when back at his old recording studio, all of which points to a dark secret that he has lived with for some time.  Callow's silly protagonist seems to be "on" whether he is channeling his inner-hambone with the digital tape running or conversing with his humoring millennial producer, but this seems to be an intentional choice that puts the tongue in the cheek of the whole affair.  Sadly, the finale and the scare tactics are uninspired tripe, plus the presentation is farther away from the show's roots than ever.  Still, it is a charming attempt at tweaking the formula if one is in the mood for such a thing.

Sunday, December 21, 2025

2022 Horror Part Twenty-Nine

EVERYBODY DIES BY THE END
Dir - Ian Tripp/Ryan Schafer
Overall: MEH
 
Too bland to be egregious, the full-length debut Everybody Dies by the End from the filmmaking duo of Ian Tripp and Ryan Schafer is detrimentally predictable and has few if any redeemable qualities.  Issues arise immediately with Vinny Curran's quirky and pretentious B-movie director protagonist; an obnoxious and burly blowhard who utilizes jolly intimidation at top volume as if nobody can hear him.  At one point early on he apologizes for being so intense, but the intensity never stops as he comes out of retirement to make his self proclaimed magnum opus with a two-man skeleton documentary crew, (which includes director Tripp), who are brought on to capture the bizarre ordeal.  To say that Curran is a bit much would be an understatement, but his entire staff are similar levels of eccentric, and much of the movie's humor seems to stem from the odd situation.  As the title clearly spells out, the problem is that there is no mystery even though the film pretends that there is, so watching Tripp and his cameraman go through the motions as everything is plainly laid out, (with undercooked occult and/or supernatural elements thrown in), is a continuous bore.  In order for any of the nyuck nyucks to land, there needs to be characters to care about and sinister details to intrigue.  Instead, we just have an awkward waste of time.
 
KISARAGI STATION
Dir - Jirô Nagae
Overall: MEH
 
The 2004 2channel urban legend about a woman mystery winding up in a seemingly non-existent area via train ride and posting about her experience in real time before vanishing all makes for ideal J-horror material in filmmaker Jirô Nagae's Kisaragi Station.  While the pre-creepypasta story of the same name is more unsettling than the resulting movie which tweaks and fleshes-out many of the details, there is still enough bizarreness here as well as a persistently eerie mood to appease genre fans who are unfamiliar with the source material.  Nagae and co-screenwriter Takeshi Miyamoto take an adventurous approach, telling the initial tale in a hazy, blue/green-filtered flashback and mostly from a POV perspective where university student Yuri Tsunematsu is interviewing a fictionalized version of the initial 2channel poster about her experience.  Tsunematsu then of course takes it upon herself to see if the story is legit, at which point the third act retreads the same events as a series of checkpoints, many of which are bypassed to achieve a different yet still ambiguous outcome.  Nothing is resolved in any satisfying sense and the entire thing has the feel of being made up as it goes along, (plus the CGI effects are unforgivably poor for 2022), which makes this a missed opportunity despite its sinister aspirations.
 
MATRIARCH
Dir - Ben Steiner
Overall: MEH

It is difficult to pull off a movie with no redeemable or even likeable characters, and the protagonist in Ben Steiner's full-length debut Matriarch is problematic from the moment that we meet her, which does not bode well for her even more unsympathetic mother that enters the picture before too long.  A film that fails to deliver on what it builds up, (which is such a common ailment in horror that it is nearly a prerequisite), just as many things work as do not.  Both Jemima Rooper and the always rock-solid Kate Dickie are wonderful in their respective roles as a ludicrously dysfunctional mother/daughter duo, Rooper returning to her home village after twenty years with a nine ton chip on her shoulder.  Dickie was allegedly not the world's greatest mom, and we believe both the direct and indirect evidence judging by her curious behavior, not to mention the equally alarming way in which seemingly everyone else in Rooper's ole traumatic stomping grounds is behaving.  A folk horror aura hangs over the entire thing, and Steiner's script gives us many curious bits along the way, several of which are left lingering in order to indulge in some icky pagan strangeness that is more head-scratching than satisfying.  The third act falls apart spectacularly, biting off a lot to chew on in a rushed fashion that underwhelms despite its sincere attempts to shock.  This is a shame since the performances are so good and the mystery is so compelling, at least until a point where the gloves fly off, the old people get naked, the black bile spews, and the unconvincing CGI takes over.

Saturday, December 20, 2025

2021 Horror Part Thirty

BLACK AS NIGHT
Dir - Maritte Lee Go
Overall: MEH
 
Why, after over a century of them, do vampire films have to keep explaining the rules?  While individual tweaks to well-established mythos are appreciated and honestly necessary this far into the game, we do not need to endlessly rehash the prerequisite scene where characters find themselves gobsmacked by the existence of real-life bloodsuckers only so they can hit the library, the internet, or consult a conveniently local expert on how vampires are spawned, how they are killed, etc.  We have all seen one, (or hundreds), of these movies, we get it.  Unfortunately, this and other formulaic tropes litter Black As Night, the full-length debut from director Maritte Lee Go, which is an otherwise likeable if unnecessary horror comedy with its heart in the right place.  It has an identical tone, premise, and structure as Oz Rodriguez' Vampires vs. the Bronx from the previous year, making it even more redundant than it already inherently is.  Here we are in a post-Katrina New Orleans where citizens are still struggling to keep their heads up in an impoverished community, ravenous blood-suckers thrown into the mix via an elaborate and long-running scheme to overpower long-standing oppression only complicating matters.  The vampires growl, (loudly), and scream, (loudly), like all humanoid monsters in any contemporary horror film are seemingly required to do, relative youngsters decide to go up against them single-handedly without even bothering to notify the authorities, characters suffer harrowing loss while the tone steers vaguely towards the humorous, the cinematography is too dark to see what is going on during the night scenes, the jump scares are predictable and stupid, and it is all too safe and rigid to avoid being anything but forgettable.
 
DEATH VALLEY
Dir - Matthew Ninaber
Overall: MEH
 
A schlocky Canadian action movie with screeching zombie monsters and zero distinguishing factors, Death Valley is the latest from actor/occasional filmmaker Matthew Ninaber.  The film steers clear of looking like a straight-to-Redbox cheapie, digitally and professionally photographed with a dark and earthy color pallet, lots of slow motion, dirt and grime, exploding firepower, and both mounted and drone shots, with gruff actors doing their best to act macho and occasionally engage in some mild quips with each other.  Ninaber keeps up a kinetic pace as indistinguishable mercenaries yell, trade cliche mannerisms, shoot things, and yell some more, but the tripe dialog comes off as even more pedestrian with B-level thespians who look the part yet never exude any charisma.  This is necessary for any Predator-style shenanigans to connect, and one could imagine a stable of A-level actors or even some established WWE personalities being able to elevate the by-numbers material.  It is not that anyone on screen here is bad at their job, it is just that the script which they are presented with is so formulaic and so soulless that it seems AI-generated, giving them nothing interesting to work with.  There are no sparks of creativity, no inventive shifts from the straight-and-narrow, testosterone-ridden monster shoot-em-up framework that has been done in various forms so many times.  It never becomes obnoxious or embarrassing, and all of the pieces are there that one would expect, but that is the problem.  Throw in some curve-balls, dodge some foreseeable avenues, and then maybe the results will be more than merely competent.
 
AMANUDA
Dir - S.S. Jishnu Dev
Overall: WOOF
 
Visibly bored actors who are supposed to be amateur paranormal investigators, (very, very), slowly walking around the forest and frequently stopping to do either nothing or deliver mere variations of the same bare-bones expository dialog is nearly the majority of the excruciatingly stagnant hour and forty-five minutes that is Amanuda.  At one point the heavy-set character actually tells everyone to slow down even more because he cannot walk that fast, thus providing narrative justification for the pacing to slog ever further.  Adding more minutes still, the film is bookended by yet another paranormal documentary crew watching the comically meandering footage of the first crew, all of which is shown in its entirety until the literal first sings of any production budget hit the screen when one of the characters has freaky contact lenses on and some blood trickles down a hole in a door.  It is not an exaggeration to say that the rest of the movie looks like it was shot for zero dollars in a single day since no supernatural anything is captured on screen, only generic "scary" sound effects added in post which these poor people on screen obviously had to merely pretend that they were hearing during shooting.  This helps to explain their alarming lack of emoting or agency at any point, and the whole thing has the feel of a scam that was done with an insulting lack of effort in order to get a streaming deal to dupe people who generally are intrigued by found footage properties.  It hits a new low for the genre and should be avoided at all costs.

Friday, December 19, 2025

2021 Horror Part Twenty-Nine

FOLLOWERS
Dir - Marcus Harben
Overall: WOOF
 
One of the worst found footage movies ever made, (which is saying a lot), Followers also tragically doubles as the lone full-length from writer/director Marcus Harben who died shortly after its completion.  Any mockumentary about purposely grating influencers is bound to alienate its audience by design, and this one adheres to all the mistakes that a trend of recent "social media personality + ghosts = likes" movies do.  More than just the fact that it has top to bottom insufferable characters, scary music, cheap jump scares, and is edited in a kinetic fashion that is horrendously ill-fitting for found footage, it is also so poorly written and bafflingly executed that it borders on incompetence.  The story is aggressively rushed, establishing none of our moronic and obnoxious characters, just barreling through so many aggressively loud and spastic freaky moments that viewers are bound to be insulted by its glaring narrative handicaps.  Footage is captured from a slew of cameras that we never see, (frequently with multiple angles for each scene), much of it is aesthetically of a professional movie quality as if Harben forgot that he was going for "raw" footage, there are reaction clips from fans that apparently span fifty days yet everyone in them is wearing the same clothes and shooting from the same location in each one, (signifying that they were all actually filmed at the same time), and the movie's ghost even does an impromptu rave dance for everyone.
 
GLASSHOUSE
Dir - Kelsey Egan
Overall: MEH
 
The first of three full-length dystopian sci-fi films from writer/director Kelsey Egan, Glasshouse is floaty and pretentious in its mannerisms, but it offers up an interesting variant on societal collapse in cinema.  With a good amount of CGI in the areal establishing shots, it turns the St. George's Park in Gqeberha, South Africa into an isolated Victorian-esque hothouse sanctuary against an immediate-acting airborne virus that deprives people of their memories and has also seemingly wiped out the entire animal population.  The specifics are herky-jerky at best, (a mysterious stranger shows up who is naturally immune to the disease, and the family that he infiltrates suffers varying symptoms when exposed), but this is not crucial information to the narrative which is exclusively concerned with its individuals and how they deal with their own perceptions of happiness in a world that has robbed everyone of so much.  Besides Adrienne Pearce who turns in an often ridiculous performances as the pontificating matriarch of the family, the rest of the cast do solid work.  Hilton Pelser's stranger is not to be trusted and proves this eventually, but he makes for a protagonist with plenty of gray area, since we can sympathize with his desperation and scheming when given the chance to belong somewhere again, even if his actions are unsavory.
 
NIGHTBOOKS
Dir - David Yarovesky
Overall: MEH
 
A big, glossy, and loud dark fantasy romp aimed at children who are at the age to find Goosebumps frightening, Nightbooks sees director David Yarkovesky and the screenwriting duo of Mikki Daughtry and Tobias Iaconis adapting J. A. White's novel of the same name.  Sam Raimi also attached his name as producer, and the horror icon's influence of screaming crones and bodily fluid spewing is unmistakable in several instances, be it in a PG-rated vein that is more akin to Drag Me to Hell than Evil Dead.  While Krysten Ritter hams it up as the villainous neon witch who lures children to her apartment in order for them to regale her with sorrowful tales, (all of which is explained in an appropriately silly twist-reveal climax), little Lidya Jewett and Winslow Fegley are the ones tasked with the heavy emotional lifting as her prisoners.  Both youngsters turn in fine performances even as the presentation cranks things up to ridiculous and groan-worthy extremes, with cartoonish CGI set pieces and a pristine sheen brightly coloring every last digital frame.  Plot wise it is a cliche-fest, but there is enough of a balance between high stakes Brothers Grimm macabreness and cutesy storytelling to fit the targeted family demographic.

Thursday, December 18, 2025

2021 Horror Part Twenty-Eight

THE RETREAT
Dir - Pat Mills
Overall: WOOF
 
On paper at least, a noble attempt is made with director Pat Mills and screenwriter Alyson Richards' The Retreat, a Canadian slasher movie that sets about subverting "gay and lesbian as victim" tropes by pitting such a couple against a motley crew of redneck serial murderers who specifically target members of the LGBTQ community.  Worse yet, they broadcast their slayings on a dark web streaming service with just as odious of a clientele chomping at the bit to see more and more people with "unconventional" lifestyles brutalized and killed in front of the camera.  It is a sick premise that one can argue is nothing more than exploitative torture porn, with one-note, non-written bigots as villains doing the most deplorable things imaginable to a demographic of people who have long suffered discrimination and abuse in various forms.  Because the film eventually morphs into a revenge action romp with its two badass lesbian protagonists turning the tables, it undermines its severe subject matter.  Instead of drawing attention to an all too real problem that LGBTQ folks face on the daily, (all out hatred), the movie goes for cheap jump scares and R-rated slasher schlock, making this a miserable and stupid genre excursion, except just with good intentions.
 
UNTITLED HORROR MOVIE
Dir - Nick Simon
Overall: WOOF
 
One of a handful of screenlife horror films that was slapped together during the COVID-19 pandemic, Untitled Horror Movie is probably the most insulting, lazy, and obnoxious of them.  The bar is so low concerning found footage movies that it actually takes an impressive amount of effort to stand out horribly, and the only reason that this one is done in such a format is because all of the parties involved were quarantined at home, like many others were at the time.  In other words, this has no business being a found footage movie since it behaves in the complete opposite manner of one.  Scary music runs continuously and the editing is hyper-kinetic, giving it a conventional flow to emphasize nyuck nyucks and tripe scare tactics.  Every narrative aspect is as generic as they get, but that is OK apparently since we have yet another horror movie where the characters endlessly rip on how stupid horror movies are while behaving exactly like stupid people in horror movies.  This stuff is rarely cute and it is excruciating here, largely because each person on screen is a caricature of an annoying, narcissistic young actor with interchangeable personalities that make them unsympathetic, boring, underwritten, and grating enough that they practically dare the viewer to shut the whole thing off within the first ten minutes.  If anyone does so, worry not, you will miss absolutely nothing.
 
SUPERHOST
Dir - Brandon Christensen
Overall:WOOF
 
The only breath of fresh air in Brandon Christensen's Superhost is that it easily could have been another influencer-themed found footage movie since it is indeed about a Youtube couple filming their latest entry and complaining about the lack of likes and subscribers that they are getting.  Instead though, the film is played straight, but it still stumbles down the stairs in too many areas.  This has one of those horror screenplays where in order for the whole thing to hit the eighty-four minute mark, the people in it must do things that normal human beings in their situation would never do.  This leads to insulting behavior, particularly in the third act when Osric Chau and Sara Canning have multiple opportunities to escape their suspicious to deadly scenario, yet consistently make asinine choices to stay put.  It grates on the nerves steadily throughout though, playing a long waiting game on the audience where we know from her first appearance, (let alone the movie's poster art), that Grace Phipps is going to go full maniac at some point.  Yet the pathetically implausible way that everything gets there ruins such a gloves-flying-off moment, not to mention evaporating any sympathy we may have for the hapless dumb-dumbs that are caught in her path.  Barbara Crampton shows up which is always nice, but as usual, she deserves better material.