Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE
(2016)
Dir - Zack Synder
Overall: WOOF

Oh dear me word.  This is simply a sad, textbook case of a massively budgeted and promoted superhero movie that was doomed to fail and ended up being shockingly worse, (not exactly WHAT, but WORSE), than we all expected.  The signs were multiple.  It was nearly three years in the making, the release date kept being changed, the first trailer arrived a year early, it was put out before the usual "summer blockbuster" season, it followed-up a generally disliked Superman reboot, it re-envisions the already iconic and incredibly successful Christopher Nolan Batverse trilogy from only four years earlier, more characters kept being added, actors signed on to multiple picture deals to rush-kick-off a Justice League franchise because Marvel and The Avengers, Jesse Eisenberg, the list goes way on and on.

There is a lot to go over with this debacle, too much in fact.  Yet everything that was expected are the obvious criticisms, being that it was too over-stuffed with characters, literally and thematically too dark and humorless, and it did virtually everything wrong with developing a multi-superhero universe that Marvel did and continues to do right with theirs.  We all knew all this would be the case going in.  Still, I like to have faith in comic book movies.  Call it my own nostalgic admiration for such superheroes and villains, (I know I had Superman and Batman regularly duke it out in Super Powers action figure form back in the 80s when I was a wee lad), my current liking for almost every comic book movie adaptation being made in the last ten plus years, or my continued nerdiness for actually reading boatloads of graphic novels.  I want these movies to succeed, as do most of us I reckon.  That said, this certainly does not make Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice an easy pill to get down.

I also like Zack Snyder.  I still do not understand The Watchmen hate as I thoroughly loved Synder's very faithful adaptation and I can laugh at his compulsive, slow-motion nervous twitch instead of getting irritated by it.  I also actually liked Man of Steel.  I was on board with a realistic look at what a Superman would be like in real life and modern times.  How his arrival would change everything, effecting and ushering in the future age of superheroes.  That and the whole God vs Man angle, (the key thing attempted in BvS btw).  Good themes there with oodles of potential.  It has been done in the comics and there is no logical reason that it should not have worked here.  Chris Terrio, (Argo), and David S. Goyer (Dark City, The Dark Knight Trilogy), both helmed the script.  Cannot do better than that right?  Yet Batman v Superman's loathsome result can really only be chalked up to good ole studio interference and dollar sign pressure making this a classic "too many cooks in the kitchen" type deal.

AAAANNNDDD this goes here

Marvel, (DC's natural competitors since long before film adaptations of their properties became a thing), is making all the money and getting all the praise for their over-lapping celluloid universe, with uniquely themed, compelling solo films and TV shows tried out first and then characters merging into each others movies.  It works because the fucks are given to make it work.  Despite the megatron success of the Nolan Batman films and the decades of dominance that the earlier Bat franchise and Superman ones had over Marvel's non-existent ones, (Dolph Lundgren's Punisher anyone?), this is 2016 and DC/Warner Brother's are not going to sit back and not have an "everybody in the pool" franchise of their own, not by damn sight.  These movies make money because of all the CGI and guys and gals in costumes in them right?  Yeah that's the ticket.  Quick, give the Flash a dream sequence cameo, (see what I did there?).

Meaning of course that Mr. Synder, Mr. Goyer, and Mr. Terrio all did not have a chance.  Neither did anybody else involved.  Which brings us to Eisenberg.  Much has rightfully been said about the way-the-fuck-off Lex Luthor interpretation and I equally do not blame Mr. Eisenberg.  Hey, everybody went ape-shit for Heath Ledger's Joker and he was an insane, chaotic loving genius, right?  Super, manipulative bad guy must equal wacky, coked-out, mumbling, clearly unhinged Jim Carey's Riddler right?  "So just do that" went the higher-ups who gave Eisenberg his orders, I would bet dollar for donuts was the case.  Also Luthor's motivation, (or more lack-thereof), and grand "huh?" scheme are not Eisenberg's fault.  They are the result of incredibly poor, unfocused writing, all brought on by a "clowns are menacing = Joker" misguided viewpoint from the higher-ups.  Besides, we all know that Lex hates Superman right?  Fuck it then, everyone in the audience will fill in the rest and be fine with it.

Never said I was the first, (or last), to notice.

So it goes on like this.  Henry Cavill's Superman has maybe twenty-odd words of dialog and maybe the same number of actual screen time minutes when he is not in slow motion or smashing opponents through buildings at speeding bullet speed.  His and Lois Lane's love story arc is blink-and-you'll-miss-it there and Cavill has not a prayer of coming off as anything but a piece of cardboard in the process.  A chiselled, Hollywood sculpted, perfect-hair and complexion at all times piece of cardboard, but cardboard none-the-less.  Same goes for Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman, though to be fair she is a very minor player for this round and her up and coming solo film will do the arc developing thing that could not fit here.  Well, one would assume at least, right?

Which brings everything back to "DC is fucking this up" homebase.  We need a solo Wonder Woman movie first.  We need to establish Ben Affleck's older, veteran Batman first.  Keep ignoring Aquaman.  Etc, etc.  Here though, everything is either crammed or just alluded to for future use, doing nothing to compel us.  I gave less than no shits about any one or any thing going on.  No shits at all.  We need an entire focused plot on each major player to get everyone's motivations on track and characters developed, yes.  In addition to that problem, it also has to do with what else makes up a gargantuan amount of screen time here.  Meaning horridly boring, computer generated action sequences.  Each new movie that comes out, (christ even Guillermo Del Toro's tragic Crimson Peak), makes me more and more burnt out and numb to CGI.  These movies all just look too much like...too much.  With BvS, so many bad guys get pummeled, so many things blow up, so much lightning, so much fire, so many explosions, earth shattering destruction, cars flipping everywhere, glass smashing, the ground itself erupting, buildings, explosions, more buildings, more fire, explosions, even more fire, lightning again, and explosions.  Ooo, and before I forget, also some explosions.

It is hard to realize what I care less about, all that shit or all the scenes of people talking to each other super serious like.  I believe there is exactly three jokes in this movie.  Three.  That is three jokes in a hundred and fifty-one minute long movie about grown men who put on tights and punch things.  The eventual director's cut will be oodles longer no doubt and rated R.  Seriously.  It still probably will not have any establishing shots before all those close-ups because fuck, ain't no one got time for that.  Explosions!  For asses sake, I bet Schindler's List has more funny than this.  So yeah, kind of hard to "enjoy" what is going on here.  I appreciate bleakness.  I appreciate real world adaptations of costume comic book goings-ons.  Yet when ALL we are given is cowling, angry, and tense close-ups of characters being all cowling and angry OR everything go cartoon smashy-smashy, I tune out.  Bigger is not better, nor is seriousness more better.  There needs to be a story.  There needs to be motivation across the board.  Things need to gel and make sense.  All the pieces need to fit.  We need time and then we have to keep eating our popcorn, going "That was damn good.  The movie too" once it is all done and over with.

Ben Affleck though is in fact good.  Good under such hopeless circumstances that is, but good.  The idea of a tired, worn-down Bruce Wayne who has been at the game for twenty years and has already gone through numerous arcs is indeed intriguing.  There is set to be an Affleck written/directed/starred solo Batman movie after this and it will probably be really damn good.  Affleck is good when he is on screen.  He is good when he is doing detective stuff, when he is training, when he is conversing with Alfred, (Jeremy Irons, also good), and when he is pretending to eye-hump Diana Prince.  He is good even when there is randomly some broad in his bed, whatever that was about.  Also, his costume looks great.  Both of 'em.  His calculated plan to take down Superman actually has a tad of some motivation behind it and the way he executes it?  Not half shabby.

"I must break you" - Actual quote

Still, there is so much missing.  Like so much.  As viewers, (be it comic book fans or not), we are simply left to assume...lots.  People in the South American jungle who do not know what planet we live on know that Bruce Wayne's parents were shot in front of him and that is why he beats up bad guys.  Yet the film opens with this because it is actually illegal to have any Batman story whatsoever NOT depict his parent's murder.  Trust me, I looked it up.  Yet this is honestly the one backstory element that we did not need at all yet it is the only one we get.  We see Robin's old costume, vandalized by the Joker in a display case in the Batcave.  I mean, at least I know what that was referencing because I have read a lot of Batman comics, but does the casual movie goer know what that means?  We also have the line to Clark Kent about guys dressed as clowns being a pain in his ass, but really, what has Batman been up to?  Why is Wayne Manor abandoned?  Where is the cave's present location?  Where's the rest of Gotham and its other important characters?  Does Perry White honestly think that reporting on Batman who is decades into his career ISN'T a news worthy story?  Really?  Logic would also dictate that Batman had to have been a long established vigilante the whole time Man of Steel was transpiring then right?  Wouldn't he kind of be a real big deal in THAT film too or at least casually brought up?  Seriously though, who the fuck was the dame in Bruce Wayne's bed?

Also, dream sequences.  This is high on the list of missteps.  Why is Bruce Wayne plagued by them you may ask?  So do all of us.  This is not explained, it just is.  This is the story of Batman v Superman's life in a nutshell.  These nightmares would have made far more sense for Superman to be having don't you think?  He had his own movie directly before this.  We have a backstory to his burden.  His coming is the spark that lights all the other super people emerging from their hiding places.  Why are they hiding exactly?  You bet; you are on your own again as to why.  Shouldn't Superman be the one to essentially dawn the Justice League?  Rally everyone together and show the world that super beings are here to help people and do what is right?  Wouldn't that be yet another arc to push Kal-El out of his lonesomeness, now that there are others like him.?  Yet Flash and Parademons do not visit him when he sleeps.  He remains completely oblivious though the end to Luthor's findings on all the other guys with symbols by their respective computer folders.

Not only is this a daft choice but it is a sloppy one.  Batman has had tragic loss in his life.  Too much.  Judging by the Robin costume display, he would be reluctant to work with others again.  Too many people to endanger, too much guilt.  Superman on the other hand is the last of his kind on a planet he is not born on and everybody is always picking on him.  He would want some goddamn Super Friends.  A proper understanding as well as a proper filmatic introduction to all these other characters would have helped us understand what was happening.  It also would have helped the people who made this movie.

Then we have Batman killing people.  Along with Carrot Top/Lex Luthor, this is the thing to piss off the most number of comic book fans.  Why is Batman killing people you may be wondering?  Correct again; who the fuck knows?  If I am sounding like a broken record at this point, that is the point.  This movie is broken.  There are moments, (both in dreams and in not), where this is either the most haphazard depiction of Batman since the beginning of ever in trying to only injure his opponents or in fact he is totally fine with ending peoples lives.  A car with criminals in it is flips over multiple times and then is dumped upside down on another car.  A main baddie is blown up by his own flame thrower.  All of this is Batman's deliberate doing.  Oh, and he uses guns a few times.  Not in a Punisher way but in an occasionally not killing people on purpose and occasionally yes, killing people I guess on purpose way.  It is all mighty hard if not impossible to decipher from the non-existent amount of info we the viewer are presented with.

"Why the hell are they giving me guns?  I'm Batman!" - from a reading of Ben Affleck Talks to His Agent - the Movie.

There are a number of stills you can seek out and brief scenes you can watch in this movie that are visually pleasing enough.  A small handful of things are done comic book-accurate.  Frank Miller fans can certainly appreciate these.  The opening scene that directly addresses everyone's biggest uprising against Man of Steele is pleasant.  Bruce Wayne's point of view against seeing Superman recklessly use the buildings of Metropolis as a wrestling mat is a good way to begin.  Yet these stand-alone moments do not make a good movie.  They do not come close.  Most of the worst comic book film adaptations are such for obvious reasons.  They stink from front to back.  Yet even Batman & Robin got its tone consistent for fucks sake and in the process is a ridiculously enjoyable train-wreck ala Troll 2 or Battlefield Earth if viewed under the right eyes.  Batman v Superman on the other hand fails in a more unfortunate and heartbreaking way.  This movie on premise alone should have been idiot-proof to deliver.  The God vs Man theme is perfect.  Superman is dark now, Batman by nature is and has been in the movies since Tim Burton proved it.  This world should work.  Yet the sum of all the countless missteps and very occasional ok-ness do in fact make this one of the worst superhero movies ever made.

Alas though, there is a silver lining to be found and it is not in the reality that this film's 29% Rotten Tomatoes score is going to mean that DC is going to pull the plug on everything it is doing and get a time-out to behave itself before trying it again.  As we speak, this movie is tearing the box office a new asshole.  Panned, hated, despised, laughed-at; it matters not.  Nor did it ever.  This was as preordained to make all the money as it was to fall on its ass as an actual film.  There will be a lot more of these is what I am saying.

No, the good part comes in a personal experience for me.  I took my six year old daughter to see this.  She is my date for seeing comic book movies in the theater now until she reaches teenage years and I am officially not her cool dad anymore.  This was the third such superhero film she saw on the big screen...and she loved it.  As did my fiance's respective six and nine year olds when they saw it.  In fact at this very moment, I am listening to the lot of them debate parts of the movie, (apparently Amy Adams having red hair meant that she was Poison Ivy and "wasn't a bad guy yet" in the mind of a kindergartner).

As shitty, depressing, and disappointing-isn't-a-strong-enough-word as Batman v Superman actually is, my child's appreciation for it warms my heart.  This is their generation's Tim Burton's Batman or Christopher Reeves' Superman.  This is the movie that they will be adults and hanging out with their friends, drinking beer, getting high, and being nostalgic for as they watch it for the two-hundredth time.  Just as all of us born in the 1980s can hear Danny Elfman's score and immediately a smile will spring forth from our faces.  Batman v Superman makes my kids smile.  Because costumes and explosions and oo look, it's Wonder Woman's lasso!  Such is the way it goes on, for as long as comic book movies are made.  It sucks getting old when the innocence is lost and the cynical-ness hopelessly takes over doesn't it?  But hey, at least I can count Arnold's ice puns in Batman & Robin and the drinking games can continue.  All is never lost folks.  Even here.