INCIDENT ON AND OFF A MOUNTAIN ROAD
(2005)
Dir - Don Coscarelli
Overall: MEH
The Showtime series Masters of Horror gets off to a mediocre start with Don Coscarelli's Incident On and Off a Mountain Road. Co-scripted by Joe R. Lansdale and based off of his own short story of the same name, it goes for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe with a giant, creepy looking mute boogeyman living in the middle of the woods who likes to kidnap and torture women because horror movies. Coscarelli brings the Tall Man Angus Scrimm on board as a demented old redneck spouting nonsense and a bulked-up Ethan Embry plays a narcissistic, ex-military piece of shit scumbag for what it is worth. The story tries to make the concept interesting of a woman overcoming, well, being a woman in order to survive and then turning into a badass, but the presentation is enormously hokey and amatuerish.
(2005)
Dir - Stuart Gordon
Overall: GOOD
Stuart Gordon returns to his usual source of inspiration for what would be the final time in his career, yet again adapting H.P. Lovecraft with Dreams in the Witch-House. Also working with his frequent screenwriting collaborator Dennis Paoli, it is a typically dark, straightforward work from the director. Though it minimizes the schlock to a significant degree, there is a human-faced rat that is equal parts amusing and alarming during its appearances. Elsewhere, there are boobs and blood and in typical Lovecraftian fashion, the main protagonist Walter Gilman, (Ezra Godden standing in for Jeffrey Combs who would have worked perfectly here if the film was made two decades earlier), ends up in a padded cell with no one believing his otherworldly tale. It is low on surprises, but high on fun and genre-pandering atmosphere.
(2005)
Dir - Tobe Hooper
Overall: WOOF
The penultimate work from Tobe "No subtlety anywhere to be found" Hooper sadly continues his wretchedly schlocky stock and trade. Though Dance of the Dead was scripted by Richard Matheson's son and based off of one of his own short stories, its dialog is wretchedly abysmal and good luck knowing or caring about much of what is even going on. Hooper's frenzied, loud, ugly, heavy metal B-movie directorial approach absolutely does not help though. Besides Robert Englund hamming it up as naturally as ever, the film's villains are pathetic versions of Near Dark's vampires, replacing any charm or menace with obnoxious, "I'm a badass/fuck you cunt!" line readings and mannerisms. Throw in a stock, industrial score from Billy Corgan of all people and crap digital effects and it is a trainwreck best left utterly ignored.
(2005)
Dir - Dario Argento
Overall: MEH
By 2004, Dario Argento was hardly turning out masterpieces anymore and his first Masters of Horror entry Jenifer explicitly proves this. Adapted by actor Steven Weber from a 1974 Creepy story by Bruce Jones and legendary illustrator Bernie Wrightson, it is consistently lame-brained and unintentionally comedic. The plotting is haphazard, the dialog is as embarrassing as the performances, Goblin mainman and frequent Argento collaborator Claudio Simonetti's score is whimsical instead of menacing, and the cheap presentation reeks of television movie production values. Argento crams in a fair amount of sleaze and uncomfortable gore, but he cannot properly compensate for the pedestrian look which is miles and miles away from his stylistic, vibrantly nightmarish heyday. It is not bad enough to be insulting, but it is...pretty bad.
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