10 WORST HORROR MOVIES
Tis the season yet again. Three years ago around this very same festive time of year, I started this blog to post my "100 Favorite Horror Movies" list. Watching, re-watching, ranking, and writing about all hundred of them was much fun. Horror movies are the subject that most tickles my fancy so blabbing on and on about the crème de la crème of them got me on many a discussion with many a friend of mine as we argued and agreed away on my choices. Which is what these dumb-ass lists are for after all.
So of course, whist spending so much time thinking about the very best of them, many a thought during many a time entered me brain about the not-so-good ones. In fact during my research for that list, I came across a few of the genre's wrongly-called "classics" that instead of hitting the spot for me, they went and garnished a spot in my head for a potential and eventual WORST horror movies list. Well the time for such a list hath come!
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| *Cue evil Willem Dafoe pantyhose face laugh! |
Now I didn't wanna call this list "10 Horror Movies That People Like That I Hate and Are Overrated Shit", though I accurately could have. See usually when you see a list of the worst horror movies ever made, stuff like Plan 9 from Outer Space, Manos: the Hands of Fate, or Troll 2 are guaranteed entrees. And yeah, obviously they all technically belong. But they're also varying levels of fun. Shit, Troll 2 itself is a masterpiece on par with Batman & Robin as far as the entertainment factor is concerned. And really, how many direct to video, Z level, no budget, and/or amateur awful-fests have been put out in this genre since the creation of film stock? Billions most likely.
So yeah, I didn't wanna rank those. Furthermore, most horrible horror movies I haven't even seen yet and most I hopefully never will. And I won't even waste my time with the majority of slasher and torture porn joints, as I know in advance that ten times out of ten I will loathe them. But what has happened to me over my years of watching mostly horror movies is that I've come across a lot of ones that really pissed me off. And usually the fact that they're actually considered good by many a folk out there makes me hate them even more. Cause sometimes they truly are astronomically bad. And they make me ponder endlessly what in the hell I'm missing by not doing any drugs and possibly getting the appeal of some mind-numbingly awful "gems". Gems such as...
10. THE VIRGIN OF NUREMBERG (1965)
Dir - Antonio Margheriti
We can start this list off with this liver spot of 60's Italian horror. Christopher Lee is unfortunately in this, (and dubbed no less, da fuck?), and as I said elsewhere on this blog when I originally reviewed it, this saddens me no end to say. Lee does his best, but good Lord of Darkness is this script unfathomably bad. From the opening scene I was annoyed as the music announced the scary at every predictable moment, but this was far from what puts The Virgin of Nuremberg here. You know when you watch these movies and characters keep doing dumb stuff and dumb stuff keeps happening that pisses you off? Well one of this movie's foreign market titles should've been Le Movie Where Only Dumb Stuff Happens.
9. BEGOTTEN (1990)
Dir - E. Elias Merhige
Critic fans out there I'm sure know and love Jay Sherman's student film that he made in college, L'Artiste este Morte. Think of E. Elias Merhige's Begotten as the really, really, really, really fucking awful version of that. I saw this movie on a bunch of "weirdest/most disturbing horror movies ever" lists as you can too after hitting the googles. And yeah, it's weird alright. The same way shit just happens to be brown. At seventy-two minutes long, Begotten feels like it's still going on. This has gotta be the most boring anything movie ever made. And I appreciate plotless weirdness, (mmm...Inland Empire), but in the hands of an amateur who likes to intentionally ruin the film print, have a bunch of gross sounds as the soundtrack, and shoot bloody things violently twitching around and calling it experimental, it's all a big pile of celluloid rectum.
8. DEMONS (1985)
Dir - Lamberto Bava
"Believe me we gotta stop the movie!". If only everybody listened to the badly dubbed pimp before making this. Speaking of badly dubbed and well, badly everythinged, Lamberto Bava's baffilingly cult following appreciated Demons blows one away with it's awfulness. Everything loud, obnoxious, and asinine about shit horror movies is pummeling you here. Besides being the Citizen Kane of horrible Italian horror, Demons is also one of the most sexist. Every single woman in this movie is helplessly screaming hysterically, acting retarded, being yelled at, bossed around, and shaken by a man, and ultimately getting themselves killed by cliched "dumb broad in horror movie" means. This also has the most random helicopter in film history. Which is a sentence I never thought I'd write.
7. HALLOWEEN (2007)
Dir - Rob Zombie
Yes you read right, NOT Rob Zombie's sequel, but his original botching of the Halloween franchise. See, when Halloween 2 came out, I called all of my friends, (and I do mean all of them), idiots for wanting to go see it on opening day. They all did and came back crying with anger over how bad it was. And I laughed my tits off with one of the most satisfying "I told you sos" in all my days. I finally did check out 2 and I was highly amused from beginning to end, thoroughly enjoying the awful. Cause I knew what I was getting into. Zombie's first Halloween though came after The Devil's Rejects which was great, yet what the ass happened here? Pointless and terribly scripted hoopla.
Dir - Rob Zombie
Yes you read right, NOT Rob Zombie's sequel, but his original botching of the Halloween franchise. See, when Halloween 2 came out, I called all of my friends, (and I do mean all of them), idiots for wanting to go see it on opening day. They all did and came back crying with anger over how bad it was. And I laughed my tits off with one of the most satisfying "I told you sos" in all my days. I finally did check out 2 and I was highly amused from beginning to end, thoroughly enjoying the awful. Cause I knew what I was getting into. Zombie's first Halloween though came after The Devil's Rejects which was great, yet what the ass happened here? Pointless and terribly scripted hoopla.
Dir - Alexandre Aja
This one makes many a "must see horror movies" or even "best horror movies" list and it's enough to make you wanna shoot people as to why. Most of Haute Tension is just boring, depressing New French Extremity, which is a sub-genre I like literally nothing in. But easily, without any rivals now or ever, this film has the worst and most insulting twist ending of all time. Bar absolutely none. It's almost impressive how badly Aja throws his own story miles out the window here, truly astounding in how much it completely doesn't add up. Take the ending out of the equation and you just have a forgettable slasher dud. With the ending in, it's legendary garbage!
5. PHANTASM (1979)
Dir - Don Coscarelli
One of the most disappointing horror "classics" I couldn't wait to see was the original Phantasm, which I finally got around to catching during the research for my 100 favorite horror movies list three years ago. Needless to say, it didn't make the cut. Few horror movies of any kind are as equally confusing and terrible as this one. I was simply baffled watching this and not in a "Oh my god I'm gonna cum in my pants this is so awesome" David Lynch kinda way but more in a "What the fuck is this director doing?!?" kinda way. One of the worst teenagers in any movie, (saying something), and dream logic, (I guess?), that defies all the laws of everything.
Dir - Don Coscarelli
One of the most disappointing horror "classics" I couldn't wait to see was the original Phantasm, which I finally got around to catching during the research for my 100 favorite horror movies list three years ago. Needless to say, it didn't make the cut. Few horror movies of any kind are as equally confusing and terrible as this one. I was simply baffled watching this and not in a "Oh my god I'm gonna cum in my pants this is so awesome" David Lynch kinda way but more in a "What the fuck is this director doing?!?" kinda way. One of the worst teenagers in any movie, (saying something), and dream logic, (I guess?), that defies all the laws of everything.
Dir - Patrick Brice
I am still cascading with anger over this fucking piece of shit. A bandmate of mine who I just may end up mailing to Abu Dhabi recommended I watch this recently and now I hate everyone for doing so. Rarely has my intelligence been more insulted with a chain of events that transpire in a movie. It might be a bold statement yes, but "boo scares" have never been more annoyingly overdone than in Creep and the main protagonist, (who also directed this load of ass), gets himself done in only by assuming that the audience is as hair-pullingly moronic as he is. Creep doesn't just ask way too much of the viewer; it throws pies in our faces and pulls our pants down on national television. Everything about this movie needs to die a slow and very painful death.
3. DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007)
Dir - George Romero
Woof how the mighty hath fallen. George Romero's thankfully sole hand-held camera outing Diary of the Dead has the distinction for me as being the worst movie I ever saw in the theater. Previously I thought Land of the Dead had this honor, but Diary makes that one look like Apocalypse Now. Romero's second slip in a row, Diary has unbelievably unlikable characters even for a Romero movie. The faculty adviser and his speech to the camera about voyeurism was a rare, confoundingly awful movie moment where I actually looked around the theater to see if someone was playing a joke on me. Turns out it was just Romero.
Dir - George Romero
Woof how the mighty hath fallen. George Romero's thankfully sole hand-held camera outing Diary of the Dead has the distinction for me as being the worst movie I ever saw in the theater. Previously I thought Land of the Dead had this honor, but Diary makes that one look like Apocalypse Now. Romero's second slip in a row, Diary has unbelievably unlikable characters even for a Romero movie. The faculty adviser and his speech to the camera about voyeurism was a rare, confoundingly awful movie moment where I actually looked around the theater to see if someone was playing a joke on me. Turns out it was just Romero.
Dir - Srđan Spasojević
A Serbian Film is the real life equivalent of when a serial or spree killer murders a bunch of people as their claim to fame and can't wait to get in the papers and get showered with negative attention. But then sometimes once they get caught, (when there truly is beauty in the world), the authorities and general public instead go, "You know what, no. You don't get to be famous or talked about. We're never gonna mention your name. Fuck this guy". So let's continue to not talk about this movie. It doesn't even deserve to be ranked as the piece of shit I'm ranking it as.
1. THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)
Dir - Wes Craven
Dir - Wes Craven
Ah, now we come to the King Crap of Shit Mountain. Wes Craven, (who sadly recently passed on to that great nightmare in the sky), even more sadly I have to say made the worst horror movie ever made. I was really stoked to check out Last House On the Left some fifteen or so years ago when I kept hearing about how groundbreaking and brutal it was. Craven was a household name after all, how could it miss? Boy does it ever. No movie in any genre gets the tone more light years off than Craven does here. Yeah there's the pre-curser to torture porn stuff that everyone who ranks this as a classic will only talk about, but it's funny how so many people just fail to mention the rest of it. Namely the bumbling sheriff and his wacky side kick and all the "yee-haw" hi-jinks they find themselves neck-deep in. When the chicken lady showed up, I officially threw my hands up in defeat. Don't believe a word of the hype; this is as bad as it gets folks.
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