THE TEN WORST OF KISS
In reality, there's very few Kiss songs I legitimately hate. Coming from a band with twenty studio albums and four solo albums that's been around for over forty years now, this is saying something impressive. But it's also just scientific that there's bound to be some crap floating around in that there pile of songs. And it's also scientific that most of them are not Paul Stanley songs. Which should go without saying.
Now as opposed to other such "worst" lists that I've done on this blog, none of these entries ignite my anger like a "Firehouse" finale. After hearing about my 100 favorite list from this band, a fellow Kiss fanatic friend of mine simply decided to rank ALL of their songs from best to worst. Which is both hilarious and awesome. And you thought I had tons of free time. But it got me thinking of what would end up at the bottom of the barrel if I got to choose.
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| And also thinking about who's fucking idea that Pepsi commercial was. Probably Gene. Yeah, I'm going with Gene. |
I knew a few such placements automatically, (including my "top" two spots), but otherwise I had to think a little bit more. Some songs have horrid lyrics but musically are great, (enter every Ace Frehley song ever). Some aren't bad, but just are overplayed, ("I Love It Loud" comes to mind). The last three Kiss studio albums to date I've listened to the least and easily contain their weakest material overall. But even then, it takes some deciphering to separate the simply forgettable from the stuff that really should be horsewhipped. At least a few lashes.
So this is what I came up with. A combination of overplayed, undeserving of their popularity Kiss songs and stuff that most Kiss fans and even members of the band themselves probably and logically don't care for. And if anyone wishes to argue with me on a few, by all means do so, and also remember that I hate with love in this here case. Kiss at their worst are usually still worth at least an unintentional chuckle.
You'll notice that most of these choices are here for particularly bad lyrics and the chorus to "Mr. Blackwell" just stinks. "You're not well for Mr. Blackwell, why don't you go to hell" makes me cringe every time. But even musically, "Blackwell" is easily the weak spot to Music from "The Elder" which is as great of a Kiss album as Kiss, critics, and idiots think it's not. The solo is lame, there's a bunch of dead air at various points, and the "riff" just sounds lazy.
I've honestly only heard this song I think twice. This is a simple case of Bruce Kulick simply not being a lead vocalist. As a guitarist and asset to the band, (especially in the later years and on the album this track stems from, Carnival of Souls), Kulick's importance can't be understated. He wrote nearly all of this album and has oodles of fantastic guitar solos, including this one. And generally speaking, he seems to be a very down-to-earth, stand-up guy. But dude can't really sang is all.
This Gene dud has a reputation that's not entirely deserving. Yeah it's dumb, (ok REALLY dumb), the lyrics are the kinda stuffs that would make feminists burn Gene Simmons at the stake several times over just to make sure he's done, and out of all the Gene-by-numbers moments on every Kiss album in the 80s, "Burn Bitch Burn" explains more than words why Paul always got the singles for most of that decade. But other hair metal bands have done light years worse at least. So I'll give it that.
One of the band's most popular anthems that I used to have no opinion on whatsoever that slowly morphed into a song that just annoys me. I've heard "Shout It Out Loud" as much if not more than most Kiss songs and I haven't voluntarily listened to it in years. I at least used to like "Rock and Roll All Nite", but this one never did shit for me. Now it does less than shit. A handful of "no Kiss show can end without it" songs I'd gladly permanently remove and this one just about trumps them...
...but then we have THIS one. As I previously mentioned, "Cock and Balls All Nite" I used to dig. In fact the live version of this w/Ace solo was the first Kiss song I admitted to digging. And now it's the last I ever feel like hearing. Overplayed to the point that I'll never listen to it willingly in my life again, much of what makes it so is not the song's fault per se. It provided the band with their first hit single which they desperately needed at the time, but it's really not that great of a song. For this to be the one that everyone knows who've never heard a single other Kiss song is simply not fair. But eh, whattayagonnado?
I don't particularly dislike Tommy Thayer. Dude is a consummate professional, can play any Kiss song spot-on by memory alone, and is the perfect yes man to Gene and Paul. All that said, he's also easily the most boring guitarist the band has ever had. Hell, at least Mark St. John had a busy-bee style that stood out from every other lead axeman in Kisstory. Thayer has to date penned zero memorable solos and also zero memorable songs that he's sung on. "Outta This World" is just dullsville in song form, generic and forgettable, pure and simple.
And so is this fucking song. Thayer's first lead vocal contribution to a Kiss album, Sonic Boom's "When Lightning Strikes" is lame for all the same reasons Monster's "Outta This World" is. But above all else, it offers up perfect justification for any haters out there who are annoyed by Thayer not being allowed to have his own persona. Both of these songs are nothing more than, "Hey Tommy, you're the Spaceman now so write some songs that the Spaceman would write". To which Mr. Thayer naturally replied "Sure thing Skip". Can't blame him really, a pay check is a pay check. But don't blame me for hitting the skip button every time these songs come on. Which isn't often mind you.
Ooo, woof. Even when I was a wee-lad and just getting into Kiss in Jr. High, I couldn't help but notice how crappy "Hooligan" was. Shit, where to begin? Many a Peter song has been about growing up in Brooklyn and being, well, a hooligan. But sometimes autobiographical lyrics don't necessarily equal good. Sometimes they're terrible. The words in this song put together are on par with Ace at his worst and that's saying something. You can pick out almost any line and baffle at it's lame-ness. "Dropped out of school when I was 22", "Can't even spell my name", "I went down to the candy store, if I had a nickel I'd buy some more", "Won't go to school again". And it goes on like this.
I counted covers in my 100 Favorite Kiss songs list, so it's only fair that I count them here as well. Was there ever a person, (Kiss fan or not), who heard Gene Simmon's solo album version of "When You Wish Upon A Star" and didn't immediately make some kind of "Da fuck?" face? I mean yeah, we can all read it on the track listing but surely none of us REALLY thought Gene just simply did a straight-as-an-arrow, no humor intended at all interpretation of it. This is basically just a karaoke version of the Disney song, glorious string section and all, with Gene belting out the words. At which point the Demon officially became less cool than he ever was or would be again.
Nearly everything about this song is deplorable. Yes Paul Stanley wrote it, but only under a "Hey I hate playing with Peter and I don't like any of his own songs but fans need a Peter ballad on our reunion album that he's not even playing on, so I'll just toss this one at him" template. According to Pete, he sang this song originally his way and had no problems with it until Paul insisted he sing each syllable exactly to his own specifications. According to Paul, Peter sucks so he had to show him how to sing. Regardless of which scenario rings true, "I Finally Found My Way" is undoubtedly the worst Kiss song of all time. Psycho Circus in general is oodles of not-good and this song is just the go-to example of all that was ill-advised about it. You could give it to anybody to sing and it would still stink up the joint something fierce. Listen for proof at your own risk.
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