(1990)
Dir - Dirk Campbell
Overall: GOOD
The only non-television full-length from director Dirk Campbell, I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is a delightfully grimy and ridiculous horror comedy as the title clearly dictates it would be. Conceived of and starring several Central Television alumni, the basic premise was somehow inspired by Sam Raimi's Evil Dead, (Aren't they all?), and Campbell chose to underplay the comedic aspects as much as possible from an aesthetic perspective. Instead, he rooted the movie with an unassuming and harsh look where all of the characters are schlubby working class folk. This somehow makes the outrageous premise that much more amusing as it could be happening in any non-glamorous, blue collar town. Besides a narratively and disgustingly unnecessary nightmare sequence where Neil Morrissey's protagonist takes a shit and then it starts talking to him and trying to force itself into his mouth, the rest of the set pieces are more agreeable, over-the-top fun. The motorbike of the title becomes possessed by a demon early on; a demon that is treated as a member of the blood-sucking undead with all of the appropriate cliches in tow. Throw in Anthony Daniels as a cock-sure priest who is savvy both in the ways of exorcism and motorcycles and such silliness hits the spot.
(1992)
Dir - Shimako Sato
Overall: MEH
Though it sticks to the romantic undead cliches like super glue sticks to anything, Tale of a Vampire has a perfectly cast Julian Sands in the bloodsucking lead and is handled with proper, contemporary Gothic style by Japanese director Shimako Sato. A co-production between the UK and Japan, this was Sato's first effort from behind the lens and though it was done on a small enough budget that could only afford on-location shooting and unassuming gore effects, this is forgivable as the emphasis is on Sand's melancholic plight through the century and a half where he of course becomes infatuated with his lost love's doppelgänger, all as a Van Helsing stand-in creeps around interfering. The story offers up no surprises, detrimentally so as it is easy to check out during the running time since the premise has been done to death and also most obviously was utilized in Bram Stoker's Dracula from the very same year. Still, Sands makes an ideal, mopey, and dashingly handsome vampire who prefers to slice his victims open and let their blood spray all over his face as much as he does getting in close to not make a mess of his food. Suzanna Hamilton also meets Sands' low-key energy in a dual role as the object of his affection, even if their chemistry is half-baked at best.
(1995)
Dir - Bob Keen
Overall: WOOF
Relentlessly stupid schlock courtesy of special effects man-turned filmmaker Bob Keen, Proteus is the type of bottom-barrel, Roger Corman-esque nonsense that goes for high-octane monster spectacle with only about an eighth of the budget to do so. Muscle bound action man Craig Fairbrass is in the lead and he does all of the appropriate macho stuff like be an asshole, point guns at things, jump in slow motion away from explosions, and have a couple of wise-ass quips at his disposal when need be. The movie takes a painfully long time to unveil its mutated creature who has the ability to defy the laws of physics while shapeshifting into human size, (with the appropriate amount of clothes on per character that it is jumping to of course), when nowhere near the spot that it just got firearmed into oblivion. This is the type of campy silliness that makes up and then breaks its own rules as it goes on, so one could write an essay deconstructing the plot inconsistencies which are running amok every which way. Most of the running time is spent with one obnoxious shithead after the other trading tough-guy/gal mannerisms while asking such diverse questions as "What is going on?", "What the hell is going on?", or, (when they are really agitated), "What the fuck is going on?". It all ends in a big loud explody set piece after Doug Bradley's cameo happens where he is in unrecognizable old person make-up, (presumably because he was embarrassed to appear in such tripe), but bad movie fans might enjoy enough of the stupidity here.
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