(2004)
Dir - Takashi Shimizu
Overall: MEH
After four Ju-on entries in his native Japan, filmmaker Takashi Shimizu was tasked with the inevitable American remake from Sam Raimi's production company Ghost House Pictures, here simply titled The Grudge. Garnishing a recently Buffy-free Sarah Michell Gellar in the lead as well as a slew of other recognizable faces to varying degrees, (including Ted Raimi, Grace Zabriskie, William Mapother, Clea DuVall, Ryo Ishibashi, and Bill Pullman who should always be in more movies), it is a slicker production than its counterparts from across the Pacific and is the first not to be penned by Shimizu himself. Stephen Susco's script sticks to the previously established bullet points and adds a couple of fresh set pieces, but the entire film seems to be oddly stuck in an unenthusiastic haze. The performances come off as phoned-in, the franchise's disjointed narrative structure is not broken into chapters this time and is ergo more off-putting than interesting, and the Westernized approach lacks the eerie subtly that Shimizu had become adept at delivering. Instead, the movie is only creepy on paper, with stock scary music, stock jump scares, crappy CGI effects, and no sense of paranormal urgency to an already over-trotted story.
(2007)
Dir - Chris Stokes
Overall: WOOF
The novelty of a horror film premiering on BET of all places quickly wears off when viewing the atrocious Somebody Help Me; easily one of the most insultingly lazy and embarrassing horror movies of the entire decade. Written and directed by record executive filmmaker Chris Stokes, all of the details would render this a Scary Movie-styled parody, with a stunning amount of braindead narrative cliches, dialog, performances, and scare tactics that are all played stunningly straight. The first act is cringey enough, with several young couples throwing a birthday party for one of their friends who all act like caricatures out of a non-threatening hip hop video or a white executive's version of a commercial that is aimed at urban America. Once some generic, mask-wearing psycho starts picking them all off with implausible ease, we are then treated to torture porn segments, characters endlessly debating if they should stay put, leave, or look for their friends some more, and even a little girl on a swing who sings "Ring Around the Rosey" for Christ's sake. There are too many other nauseatingly hack details to mention and never once does Stokes present his bombardment of formulaic tripe as anything unique, fun, suspenseful, or even tongue in cheek. It is movies like this that make people who hate horror movies be 100% correct in their opinion.
(2009)
Dir - Luis Berdejo
Overall: MEH
A formulaic and uninspired horror movie that is about as scary as an expired pack of spearmint gum, The New Daughter doubles as a dud follow-up to Swing Vote for star Kevin Costner. The full-length debut from Spanish filmmaker Luiso Berdejo, it adapts John Connolly's novel of the same name which has a handful of familiar trappings that are served up without any flare or intrigue. A single parent moving into a giant old house in the country with a brat teenage daughter who hates everything about such an arrangement, Native American mysticism about a chosen one, a folklore expert with a British accent, a kid starting a new school in a small town who immediately come in contact with a bully, stock screechy monster noises, a frustrated dad who literally googles "crazy daughter" and "bad parenting", and of course a cockamamie, supernatural scheme that takes its sweet ass time for no reason besides stretching the movie out until at least the ninety minute mark. Costner is reliably solid in the lead, plus actor Ivana Baquero and composer Javier Navarrete, (both of whom did lauded work in Guillermo del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth), are appreciated, but the story and presentation here is too pedestrian to remember, even mere moments after the credits roll.
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