(1972)
Dir - Amando de Ossorio
Overall: MEH
The Blind Dead film that started it all, (La noche del terror ciego as it was titled in it's native country), Tombs of the Blind Dead still stands as the absolute definitive example of having a page long plot dragged out to around ninety minutes by way of atrociously plodding pacing. This is really such a painfully unforgivable quality as it nearly could have been avoided. Amado de Ossorio, (who would write and direct all four films in the series), has a genuinely ideal premise at his disposal as well as some fantastic sets, music, monster design, and cinematography to work with. All of these valuable elements nearly warrant the film being recognized as favorably as it often is. Yet hardly any horror franchise has aggravatingly made its steadfast component one in which every character at every opportunity moves as slowly and illogically as possible while their pursuers move just as sluggish. Add to this some insulting "horror movie logic" that would be too embracing even for a Goosebumps episode, (a door gets easily locked from the inside only to find that thirty seconds later it is impossible to open from the inside by the same person for one), and completely pointless, awful characters acting equally as moronic and you get the idea. The amount of dedication made to make the good stuff work only to have the complete opposite amount of effort spent on making all the bad stuff at least competent puts this very sadly in the "what could have been" heap.
(1973)
Dir - Amando de Ossorio
Overall: MEH
For the second molasses-leaking installment in the Blind Dead series, Amando de Ossorio basically slightly twisted his monster's cannon and threw them into a Night of the Living Dead-type scenario. For Return of the Blind Dead, (Return of the Evil Dead, El ataque de los muertos sin ojos), the undead, blood obsessed, skeletal Knights Templar once again look and act exactly as slowly as they always do and once again everyone they come in contact with is a textbook horror movie moron who makes the worst, most foreseeable, asinine decisions at every opportunity. Also rest assured, the laws of physics are continually ignored. A chase scene transpires where people speed off away from the horseback riding Knights only to inexplicably get overcome by them a few miles away because we need the last act to take place while everyone is held up in a church. Completely lazy storytelling mechanics like this make up every plot point where there is also a laughably untrustworthy hunchback who, (with virtually no effort), convinces a woman to abandon everyone and follow him into a tunnel. Also, everyone assumes everyone is drunk on the phone and the fat corrupt Mayor of course tries to fuck over whoever he can to get away. These are all just a scant few such annoying moments. The gore level is amped up a bit more, (particularly in the non-English cut), and there is some nudity for this go round, but neither of these factors make the film anything more than a bottom barrel, pathetic genre excuse.
(1974)
Dir - Amando de Ossorio
Overall: MEH
Continuing to retcon his own mythos with each film, Amando de Ossorio ditched the crypts for a ghost ship in the third Blind Dead entry, reasonably titled The Ghost Galleon, (The Blind Dead 3, Horror of the Zombies, Ship of Zombies, The Ghost Ship of the Swimming Corpses). As appropriate as it was to see the lackadaisically maneuvering Knights Templar emerge from their stone tombs and terrorize whoever stumbled upon them, utilizing that exact set up once again would have been very ill-advised. So, thankfully the location at least has changed and what a marvelously horror-worthy one it is. The ultra spooky pirate ship is laced with an unnatural fog and void of both sun and moonlight, has cobwebs galore, and even a giant skeleton head with horns mounted on a wall because why would you not have one of those? Little to no backstory is given this time as that would hardly be necessary and also thankfully, the ending is rather splendidly if predictably done. Yet since this is a Blind Dead movie, christ is it sluggish. The first two acts are even slower to get over with than usual and the "plot" this time complies with no logic whatsoever. Above even the first two installments though, the characters here are MORE obnoxious and make some of the dumbest decisions yet. All of this complies with cliches left and right, with scantily clad women nonchalantly roaming the most macabre areas, (and preferring to stand still and scream as opposed to run away at full speed), the most deceitful character succumbing to his doom due to his treasure stealing greed, opposing sides using the words "superstition" and "nonsense" in the same argument, etc. So basically the same shit...just now on a boat!
(1975)
Dir - Amando de Ossorio
Overall: MEH
Well finally everything is wrapped up in a nice, (boring), package with the conclusion to the Blind Dead series Night of the Seagulls, (La noche de las gaviotas, Don't Go Out at Night, and Night of the Death Cult). Identical to all the other segments, there is good and not good to be found. It is expected that the Knights Templar's backstory will be redone to fit the setting and it is basically only given a minor tweak. Yet it is also rather a nifty one at that, with the Knights feeding a fresh heart to a Lovecraftian deity statue as they feast on the blood of their victims, only to terrify the inhabitants of a village, (who of course will not just pack up and move to another village), every seven years with a specific set of horror movie rules that totally work. The monsters still look cool, still sound cool, and still ride cool-looking horses in slow motion. They are also still so slothlike that even a cripple could skip past them with little trouble. Alas, the actual plot, though perfectly suited and familiar to such fair, is repetitive and wearisome and very, very tiring to actually watch. It is in part Blind Dead fatigue simply setting in as we know all the beats, but the combination of a new couple moving to a town where everyone is a scared, superstitious, and rude asshole, nobody coming right out and actually saying what is going on even though that would save so much trouble, a creepy village idiot, (again), and girls being willingly then screamingly sacrificed all just feels like a wasted time. Also the ending is pretty silly as the boring "hero" couple just accidentally knock a statue down and whelp, that is all she wrote for the Knights Templar who then collapse to the floor and barf all the blood they ate. Roll credits.
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