Masters of Horror Season Two Part Three

RIGHT TO DIE
(2007)
Dir - Rob Schmidt
Overall: MEH

The comedic through-line runs rather murky as well as bloody in Right to Die, the only Masters of Horror entry from Rob Schmidt, (Wrong Turn, Crime and Punishment in Suburbia).  Focusing around Martin Donovan's softly mumbling, increasingly unlikable protagonist and beginning with a patented "They are going to crash aren't they?" car scene, it quickly presents itself as an EC Comics comeuppance tale.  While it is sexy and gory at frequent instances, the story seems more ripe for humor which it does not indulge in nearly enough.  A good job is done in making the victim's demises wholly justifiable as Julia Anderson's supernaturally-willed vengeance has its way with them, but for once, a more over the top approach would seem more justifiable.  Instead it is just mediocre, only coming close to delivering on its more silly than ominous premise.

WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
(2007)
Dir - Tom Holland
Overall: MEH

The simple "boogeyman out for vengeance" premise in Tom Holland's We All Scream for Ice Cream is a bit too goofy to merit its often straight-faced presentation.  Based on John Farris' story You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream, the dialog is full of eyeball rolling groaners, particularly from William Forsythe's typically hammy Buster the clown.  For any supernaturally-charged, murderous villain to be formidable, they need to pull off a couple of gooey and violent kills and thankfully this is the case here.  While the schlock is appreciated and wholly necessary, the tone is a bit dull and ill-fittingly serious in other areas.  The material deserving more ridiculousness than what it brings then, it is only partially successful because of this.

THE BLACK CAT
(2007)
Dir - Stuart Gordon
Overall: GOOD

A great number of Edgar Allan Poe adaptations have come and gone in the wake of horror cinema being invented and Stuart Gordon's semi-version of The Black Cat is unique in that it is not an adaptation at all.  Instead, it stars a heavily made-up and rather unrecognizable Jeffrey Combs as Poe himself, the film then dipping its toes both into biopic and psychological horror all at once.  While Combs' performance is particularly strong, the occasionally confused and monotonous script by Gordon and Dennis Paoli suffers a bit.  That said, there are some fun nods to a few of the author's famous works as well as some nice gross-out gore to further compliment things.  It gets by enough as a clever homage, a wonderful showcase for Combs, and a nice penultimate entry for Gordon to almost go out on.

THE WASHINGTONIANS
(2007)
Dir - Peter Medak
Overall: MEH

Unintentional (and some intentional) goofiness ultimately undermines (or makes better) Peter Medak's The Washingtonians, an adaptation of Bentley Little's short story of the same name.  The premise is so absurd that it becomes impossible to make it creepy, try as everyone involved does.  Camped-up performances by a horde of cannibals dressed in powdered wigs, white make-up, and Revolutionary War attire dumping expository dialog for the audience's convenience and lines like "Tastes like chicken", "Don't touch them!  Eat ME you sons a bitches!", and "They ALL like...virgin...meat" provide both chuckles and eye-ball rolling in equal measures.  Things mostly suffer when Medak tries to create more chilling moments as the comedic aspects work far better when heavily leaned into.  Pretty ridiculous stuff.

DREAM CRUISE
(2007)
Dir - Norio Tsuruta
Overall: MEH

The final episode of Masters of Horror unfortunately ends with a mangled full-length film, Norio Tsuruta's Dream Cruise which was condensed from its initial ninety-minute running to just under an hour for air on Showtime.  It seems rushed right from the get-go, diving head on into multiple, rather lame nightmare sequences one after the other.  Filmed in Japan with a mostly Japanese cast speaking in English, the heavy accents oddly are not limited to the locals; Canadian-born New Zealand actor Daniel Gillies' inconsistent Bronx slips also become quite comical after awhile.  Regardless of the dialect, the performances and dialog are rather poor and with the arbitrary supernatural moments failing to provide much effective atmosphere, it is rather a dud all around.

Masters of Horror Season Two Part Two

PRO-LIFE
(2006)
Dir - John Carpenter
Overall: MEH

 

For his to-date penultimate film Pro-Life, John Carpenter chose to fuse the sensitive topic of abortion with Christian fanaticism and demonic monsters.  It is a dark, occasionally over the top thriller that is both hit and miss in execution.  Outside of the rather impressive creature design that comes near the finish line, this is the most visually bland of Carpenter's works.  A women's health clinic's lights being shut off on a pleasant, warm-weathered morning basically provides the only means of atmospheric scenery.  The script by Drew McWeeny and Scott Swan as well as the musical score by Carpenter's son Cody are just as unremarkable, though Ron Perlman makes for an imposing, calmly mannered villain.  There is a couple of memorable moments and the tone is kept rather grounded and serious, but it is all not as exciting as it otherwise could be.

PELTS
(2006)
Dir - Dario Argento
Overall: GOOD

The third television film in a row from Dario Argento and the last before making the hilariously over the top trainwreck Mother of Tears the following year, Pelts may rank as one of the most curiously strange entries in the once mighty filmmaker's career.  As anyone with even a passing familiarity with Argento's work can attest to, this is saying something.  It is once again unclear how ridiculous the director's intentions were as the cartoon level gore, overt sleaze, Meat Loaf's bombastically silly performance, and the very peculiar premise all lend themselves to bursts of head scratching laughter for the audience.  As a critique on the fur industry of all things, it is played both dark and schlocky all at once and certainly a hoot if anything else.

THE SCREWFLY SOLUTION
(2006)
Dir - Joe Dante
Overall: MEH

 

Round two for Joe Dante in the Masters of Horror series is a similar social commentary essay as Homecoming was from the previous season.  Instead of being anti-war/anti- right wing propaganda essentially, the Alice Sheldon adaptation The Screwfly Solution turns violent, toxic masculinity and Christian zealousness into a virus while throwing a quite random curve-ball at the audience during its closing minutes.  Stripping away his usual knack for humor, Dante's straight-fisted approach does not particularly stick as numerous moments dip their toes into unintended silliness.  The film seems both heavy handed and quite rushed, with lukewarm performances and an amateur quality look that is due to it being shot on digital cameras.  

VALERIE ON THE STAIRS
(2006)
Dir - Mick Garris
Overall: MEH

Arguably the dullest entry in the series, Masters of Horror creator Mick Garris' Clive Barker adaptation Valerie on the Stairs has certain compelling ingredients at play, but manages to mangle them in an incredibly lackluster fashion.  Some excessive gore, nudity, and scenery chewing performances from Christopher Lloyd and Tony Toddd, (the later as a wildly made-up demon), occasionally provide a heartbeat or two, but the story itself is stagnant to a fault.  The first half is incredibly tedious as the main protagonist does nothing except sit down to write in his room, hear knocks at his door, go out to find a nude woman calling for him, get yelled at by the other tenants, make friendly with the bro out of the bunch, and then it all repeats almost exactly as such several times over.  Once things start getting more unholy and actually exciting, the boredom has taken too strong of a hold and it ends confusing and ham-fisted.

Masters of Horror Season Two Part One

THE DAMNED THING
(2006)
Dir - Tobe Hooper
Overall: MEH

The second season of Masters of Horror kicks off to a similarly lackluster extent with Tobe Hooper's The Damned Thing.  Once again working with Richard Christian Matheson, (this time adapting the Ambrose Bierce short story of the same name), it is graciously miles and miles away from the heavy metal schlock stupidity of their abysmal Dance of the Dead collaboration the previous season at least.  Though Hooper shows more restraint than usual, it still becomes a bit clumsy as it goes on with some loud, hammy performances, lazy plotting, bad CGI, and dizzying editing.  It is not insulting or obnoxious, but that is also probably the best thing one can say about it.

FAMILY
(2006)
Dir - John Landis
Overall: GOOD

 

For his follow-up to the routinely silly Deer Woman from season one, John Landis takes a certainly quirky yet less overtly comedic, Tales from the Crypt-esque route with Family.  The cast is solid, with George Wendt making a convincingly unhinged suburbanite neighbor whose grasp on reality is both humorous and concerning.  While the premise is plenty ridiculous on paper and goes to some macabre places, Landis maintains the right balance throughout as it never goes too far in either direction.  The twist makes a few plot holes readily apparent and there is one or two lousy digital effects moments that represent about the only complaints one can throw at it. 

THE V WORD
(2006)
Dir - Ernest Dickerson
Overall: MEH

Written by series creator Mick Garris and directed by Ernest Dickerson, (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Night, Bones), The V Word has some tensely creepy set pieces in its first act as well as some convincing gore which carries it through some of the more egregious cliches that it fails to bypass.  These would include a couple foreseeable psyche-outs and 911 responders failing to do their job because the script tells them to.  Said script by Garris also relies on some lame dialog choices and Dickerson loves his Dutch angles a bit too much.  Michael Ironside makes for an effective if hammy villain and it all does go in a rather schlocky direction by the end.  While this is not necessarily a bad thing, it is too inconsistent overall to bring everything together.

SOUNDS LIKE
(2006)
Dir - Brad Anderson
Overall: MEH

For his one Masters of Horror installment, Brad Anderson, (Session 9, The Machinist), chose to adapt Mike O'Driscoll's short story Sounds Like and the result is somewhat subpar.  As a stuffy, quality control supervisor who is suffering from a bizarre condition after going through an extreme tragedy, Chris Bauer seems hopelessly unhinged, making his multiple breakdowns rather inevitable.  While the performances are adequate and the tone is appropriate for the material, it gets extremely repetitive and ultimately not that compelling because of this.  It is more sad and uncomfortable than creepy, representing one of the more mediocre entries in the series.

Masters of Horror Season One Part Three

FAIR-HAIRED CHILD
(2006)
Dir - William Malone
Overall: GOOD

The sole Masters of Horror entry from William Malone, (Scared to Death, Feardotcom), is possibly the most stark, humorless one in the season.  Scripted by Matt Greenberg, (Halloween H20, 1408), Fair-Haired Child presents a strange premise where an eccentric, grieving family turns to the occult and it is all played consistently straight, without any cornball acting or over the top set pieces.  That said, Lori Petty is a bit stiff as the troubled mother and there is at least one gruesome moment that comes off a little intentionally silly.  Elsewhere though, it features a genuinely disturbing monster design with Malone using the same herky-jerky, spastic editing technique he indulged in his House on Haunted Hill remake.  The more serious tone is a welcome change to the series and overall it delivers enough creepiness to recommend.

SICK GIRL
(2006)
Dir - Lucky McKee
Overall: GOOD

Throughout the majority of Sick Girl, director Lucky Mckee manages to have concocted something seemingly impossible which is an adorable horror movie.  Working again with Angela Bettis after their impressive collaboration in May, a similarly quirky, darkly comedic tone is maintained and the actress once more shows a remarkable talent for playing hilariously eccentric, socially awkward characters.  Essentially a love story that only briefly goes sinister before unveiling some freakish visuals at the end, it is that rarest of instances where something in the horror genre makes oddball cuteness actually rather heartwarming.  Deliberately silly and gross with some wonderful profanity sprinkled in for good measure, it is probably the most fun entry in the Masters of Horror's debut season.

PICK ME UP
(2006)
Dir - Larry Cohen
Overall: MEH

In what would be his final directorial effort, Larry Cohen's Pick Me Up is rather typical of the director's work.  Featuring yet another eccentric performance from character actor Michael Moriarty whose bizarre mannerisms and line readings helped to further ruin earlier Cohen entries The Stuff and Q: The Winged Serpent, the film is likewise morbidly humorous yet darker and more suspenseful in tone.  While certain slasher stereotypes are upheld and characters occasionally speak in lame cliches, the story by genre author David Schow does have a singular premise which is rather interesting.  Cohen's quirkiness and botching of tone is comparatively subdued though it still makes for an odd offering that is only partially enjoyable.

HAECKEL'S TALE
(2006)
Dir - John McNaughton
Overall: MEH

Originally slated for George A. Romero to be behind the lens, scheduling conflicts brought John McNaughton, (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer), on board instead for the Clive Barker adaptation Haeckel's Tale.  Essentially the author's more nasty re-telling of Frankenstein with a black magic/necromancy angle thrown in for good measure, its ending at least is appropriately perverse and borders on absurdity.  McNaughton plays things rather straight though and even as it all goes over the top, it does so in a controlled manner.  It is regrettable then that the middle section is a slog, dragging the whole thing down considerably.  The disturbingly macabre finish may be worth the wait for some viewers, but the sluggish trek to get there does undermine things just a bit too much.

IMPRINT
(2006)
Dir - Takashi Miike
Overall: GOOD

Japan's most prolific genre filmmaker, (by a mile), Takashi Miike's lone contribution to Masters of Horror was the only one in the series to be rejected by Showtime due to the director's usual practice of jacking up the violence to uncomfortably disturbing degrees.  Imprint certainly goes there with some eye-wincing torture segments and shots of aborted fetuses, but the film is not exclusively gratuitous.  Technically a traditional kaidan story, the pacing is gradual and Miike sprinkles some atmospheric and bizarre creepiness here and there.  Performance wise, it is uneven with the almost exclusively Japanese cast speaking in rough English and villainous character actor Billy Drago overdoing it quite a bit.  Impressively otherworldly and bold, it is worth examining for those that can stomach its unflinching components though.

Masters of Horror Season One Part Two

CHOCOLATE
(2005)
Dir - Mick Garris
Overall: MEH

The first Masters of Horror entry to be helmed by the series creator Mick Garris, (Sleepwalkers, the television miniseries version of The Shining), Chocolate has a somewhat ambitious and strange premise that unfortunately falls a bit flat.  Familiar faces Henry Thomas and Matt Frewer are present, with the former being besieged by uncomfortably strange, violent, and horny visions, the latter an aging punk rock musician, and both are artificial food chemical scientists because why not?  Though it is comparatively void of the at least aggressive schlock present in some of the bigger name director's installments, it is still clunky due to a less than tight script, some B-movie acting, and the modest TV budget. 

HOMECOMING

(2005)
Dir - Joe Dante
Overall: MEH

Joe Dante's loose adaptation of Dale Bailey's 2002 short story Death & Suffrage is a strongly potent zombie film for the Bush Jr. era.  As a political satire, Homecoming is incessantly on the nose, depicting right wing warmongers as sub-human, cartoon character villains who are in black and white contrast to the sympathetic undead soldiers that have come back to vote non-Republican.  The contrast of sentimentality and goofy, zombie high jinks is jarring to say the least and Dante never quite establishes the right tonal balance between them.  This mixed with the nonchalant way that the characters react to the extraordinary situation on hand makes for a bizarre end result that loses its footing as humorous parody, coming off more confused than anything.

DEER WOMAN
(2005)
Dir - John Landis
Overall: GOOD

Returning to horror after a thirteen year break, John Landis' Deer Woman is quite typical of the director's output.  Meaning it is violent, features Easter eggs to his previous works, and is overtly comedic.  Co-written by his son Max and featuring Dream On's Brian Benben in the lead, the humor is very hit or miss.  It is mostly an issue of timing and some odd performances, with several moments lingering awkwardly for laughs that never quite land.  On the plus side though, the light tone is appropriate and just as he did in the seminal An American Werewolf in London, more time is spent teasing the title monster than properly showing it.  Messy and flawed to be fair, but it is also not taken very seriously and ends up rather enduring because of this.

CIGARETTE BURNS
(2005)
Dir - John Carpenter
Overall: GOOD

No series called Masters of Horror could exist on admirable footing without an inclusion from John Carpenter and his Cigarette Burns entry is appropriately satisfying.  Stepping noticeably away from the more over-the-top tendencies of his later movies, Carpenter goes for a more eerie and gradual mood here.  As a story about a legendarily infamous bit of celluloid, it is a slow boil that grows increasingly more sinister and strange along the way.  The gory end result is fittingly eye-wincing and the impending madness that has been built up is largely fulfilled.  It is ultimately not as visually captivating as the filmmaker's most lauded work and a mistake is made in showing too much of the cursed film within a film which comes off like a parody of a student art-house movie that is trying way too hard to be disturbing.  Still, it is a strong effort with enough skillful Carpenter flourishes to make it essential viewing for fans of the director's largely excellent filmography.

Masters of Horror Season One Part One

INCIDENT ON AND OFF A MOUNTAIN ROAD
(2005)
Dir - Don Coscarelli
Overall: MEH

The Showtime series Masters of Horror gets off to a mediocre start with Don Coscarelli's Incident On and Off a Mountain Road.  Co-scripted by Joe R. Lansdale and based off of his own short story of the same name, it goes for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe with a giant, creepy looking mute boogeyman living in the middle of the woods who likes to kidnap and torture women because horror movies.  Coscarelli brings the Tall Man Angus Scrimm on board as a demented old redneck spouting nonsense and a bulked-up Ethan Embry plays a narcissistic, ex-military piece of shit scumbag for what it is worth.  The story tries to make the concept interesting of a woman overcoming, well, being a woman in order to survive and then turning into a badass, but the presentation is enormously hokey and amatuerish.

H.P. LOVECRAFT'S DREAMS IN THE WITCH-HOUSE
(2005)
Dir - Stuart Gordon
Overall: GOOD

Stuart Gordon returns to his usual source of inspiration for what would be the final time in his career, yet again adapting H.P. Lovecraft with Dreams in the Witch-House.  Also working with his frequent screenwriting collaborator Dennis Paoli, it is a typically dark, straightforward work from the director.  Though it minimizes the schlock to a significant degree, there is a human-faced rat that is equal parts amusing and alarming during its appearances.  Elsewhere, there are boobs and blood and in typical Lovecraftian fashion, the main protagonist Walter Gilman, (Ezra Godden standing in for Jeffrey Combs who would have worked perfectly here if the film was made two decades earlier), ends up in a padded cell with no one believing his otherworldly tale.  It is low on surprises, but high on fun and genre-pandering atmosphere.

DANCE OF THE DEAD
(2005)
Dir - Tobe Hooper
Overall: WOOF

The penultimate work from Tobe "No subtlety anywhere to be found" Hooper sadly continues his wretchedly schlocky stock and trade.  Though Dance of the Dead was scripted by Richard Matheson's son and based off of one of his own short stories, its dialog is wretchedly abysmal and good luck knowing or caring about much of what is even going on.  Hooper's frenzied, loud, ugly, heavy metal B-movie directorial approach absolutely does not help though.  Besides Robert Englund hamming it up as naturally as ever, the film's villains are pathetic versions of Near Dark's vampires, replacing any charm or menace with obnoxious, "I'm a badass/fuck you cunt!" line readings and mannerisms.  Throw in a stock, industrial score from Billy Corgan of all people and crap digital effects and it is a trainwreck best left utterly ignored.

JENIFER
(2005)
Dir - Dario Argento
Overall: MEH

By 2004, Dario Argento was hardly turning out masterpieces anymore and his first Masters of Horror entry Jenifer explicitly proves this.  Adapted by actor Steven Weber from a 1974 Creepy story by Bruce Jones and legendary illustrator Bernie Wrightson, it is consistently lame-brained and unintentionally comedic.  The plotting is haphazard, the dialog is as embarrassing as the performances, Goblin mainman and frequent Argento collaborator Claudio Simonetti's score is whimsical instead of menacing, and the cheap presentation reeks of television movie production values.  Argento crams in a fair amount of sleaze and uncomfortable gore, but he cannot properly compensate for the pedestrian look which is miles and miles away from his stylistic, vibrantly nightmarish heyday.  It is not bad enough to be insulting, but it is...pretty bad.