A Ghost Story for Christmas Part Four

MARTIN'S CLOSE

(2019)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

 

For anyone assuming that A Ghost Story for Christmas was going to get back on the slow boil and moody aesthetic of its bygone era when returning to M.R. James for the source material, (as opposed to the previous year's contemporary-set original segment The Dead Room), the ruinous tone of Martin's Close will squash those hopes.  This is the program's most overtly comedic episode yet, at least in comparison to everything that came before.  Writer/director Mark Gatiss tries to balance characters taking things seriously while others take them not at all seriously, always in the same scene and always causing a jarring viewing experience.  Elliot Levey's eccentric performance of a judge who cannot stop amusing himself while a young man is on trial for murder, (all while Peter Capaldi melodramatically prosecutes said young man and we infrequently cut to Simon Williams narrating things with a bit of Vincent Price campiness at his disposal), kills any and all atmospheric spookiness.  That is until the finale which drops one eerie showstopper, or at least it would be an eerie showstopper if the rest of the presentation was not so inconsistent.  Gatiss seems to be having fun by turning this into "The Cloak" segment from The House That Dripped Blood, so for anyone who does not mind the misplaced nyuck nyucks, knock yourself out.

 

THE MEZZOTINT

(2021)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: GOOD

 

It took seven episodes in sixteen years for the annual, resurrected A Ghost Story for Christmas program to deliver something that was not undone by its faults.  While 2021's M.R. James adaptation The Mezzotint still does not come close to the 1970s run of the author's reworkings in overall quality, it keeps its Amicus/Hammer camp at arm's length enough to achieve the proper menace that the source material relies on.  Mark Gatiss had been running the show for four entries at this time, and he wisely omits the glaring tonal issues that plagued his other installments while still offering up some throwback popcorn horror vibes, such as a ghoulish monster reveal and a hammed-up performance from Frances Barber.  The premise about a 19th century mezzotint with a mind of its own recalls the celebrated Night Gallery pilot episode, but Gatiss makes some well-suited additions to James' narrative.  These alterations raise the stakes and enhance an inevitable finish where not just Rory Kinnear's typical and scholarly James protagonist grows concerned over the supernatural predicament at hand, but his colleagues do as well, subverting the trope where only our main character is getting spooked while everyone else merely grows concerned for their friend's mental stability.

 

COUNT MAGNUS

(2022)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

 

While not aggressively goofy, Count Magnus does feature an eccentrically jovial protagonist played by Jason Watkins, one who allows for writer/director Mark Gatiss to keep things more on the popcorn entertainment side, be it of the still ghoulish variety.  This is not a bad thing, as A Ghost Story for Christmas had been cruising in such a lane through its modern incarnation, at least ever since Gatiss took the wheel.  It is just something to come to terms with if one is to engage in these annual spookshow yarns on their own terms while not endlessly comparing them to the stylistically different 1970s incarnations.  On that note, the show's original director Lawrence Gordon Clark had wanted to do this particular yarn during his tenure, but the BBC and their steadfast insistence on spending as little money as possible prevented the location shooting in Sweden.  No matter since this version was shot in England anyway.  Gatiss may love his M.R. James tales as much as he enjoys getting to adapt them in such a format after the BBC's small screen tradition had been retired for decades, but he has both a modern sensibility and an unavoidable itch to wink at the audience along the way.  Embracing such a tactic then, this one is acceptable if not remarkable.

 

LOT NO. 249

(2023)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: GOOD

 

The first A Ghost Story for Christmas segment to be based on a work from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lot No. 249 nevertheless follows the pattern that Mark Gatiss has consistently set for the program ever since the writer/director took it over some years and entries before.  Gatiss is unapologetically making his own Amicus horror shorts with each of these annual throwbacks, yet the tale chosen here was also adapted in Tales from the Darkside: The Movie in a similar vein that mixes schlock and the macabre.  This interpretation sticks to the period setting of Doyle's original, emphasizes the gay subtext, and throws in a reference to Sherlock Holmes because the author apparently can never escape the shadow cast by his most famous creation, even in this case when resurrected Egyptian mummies are concerned.  Said monster looks fantastic, especially considering the fact that this was a typically tight-budgeted BBC production that was allegedly shot in only four days.  Kit Harrington makes a fine protagonist who tries to get to the bottom of and then stop the ghastly shenanigans that are going down at Oxford University, but Freddie Fox wears his villainous intentions on his sleeve in a performance that pushes things into camp terrain.  Even those unfamiliar with the source material will be able to predict every beat before it happens, but it is fine popcorn fodder for those who are not looking for anything wheel-inventing.

 

WOMAN OF STONE

(2024)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

 

Four years straight brought forth just as many annual A Ghost Story for Christmas installments, the most steady run since the program's 1970s heyday.  Woman of Stone once again steps away from the works of M.R. James, this time adapting Edith Nesbit's 19th century short story "Man-Size in Marble" which writer/director Mark Gatiss has gone on record as stating was the first supernatural tale that he ever read.  It fits the period and throwback agenda for the series, making it a logical addition as opposed to merely a passion project for Gatiss to shoehorn in.  The structure is faulty where Celia Imrie plays Nesbit herself, regaling her fanboy doctor with this particular tale which features yet another character regaling two other people with yet another tale.  Each timeline is bounced back and forth, giving this a disjointed and rushed feel on top of the predictable and macabre outcome.  Gatiss is still presenting these episodes with more tongue-in-cheek glee than any desire, (or ability, if one is to be cynical), to create an intoxicating mood of supernatural suggestion and mounting dread.  Some of his other to-date seven segments are more goofy, but this one is just underwhelming, proving that either some more evocative material or a new approach is needed to elevate these above being merely half-hour time fillers.

A Ghost Story for Christmas Part Three

A VIEW FROM A HILL

(2005)

Dir - Luke Watson

Overall: MEH

 

After over two decades, A Ghost Story for Christmas returns with A View from a Hill.  The long wait for a revival should at least appease fans of the original series in the fact that it seems to pick up where it left off, adopting a still and flashless approach that is heavy on mood and deliberate pacing.  It is also of course an adaptation of another M.R. James tale as most of the 1970's BBC run was, period set and concerning a mild-mannered protagonist whose curiosity in supernatural affairs causes some unwanted shenanigans.  Director Luke Watson seems to have done his homework, offering up the kind of vintage and chilled scares that work on drawn-out dread instead of jumps or busy editing.  First time screenwriter Peter Harness' script throws in some humor early on to make the unhurried presentation go down easier, but regrettably, it fails to unsettle the bones as much as would be preferred.  It is in keeping with the previous James adaptations whereas things wrap up just as they are getting going, but there is not enough meat on this story's bones to warrant the wait.  If in the proper and forgiving mood though, viewers may find that it scratches a nostalgic itch well enough to recommend.

 

NUMBER 13

(2006)

Dir - Pier Wilkie

Overall: MEH

 

Sticking to the traditional one episode per year structure as did the original A Ghost Story for Christmas program, (until they would take sporadic breaks from here on out), Number 13 emerges as another throwback M.R. James adaptation.  Unfortunately though, it is front-to-back poor.  As far as the source material goes, it sticks to James' chosen forte of pitting unassuming scholars up against the supernatural, but director Pier Wilkie adapts an incorrect tone that seems like it is a hurry to get to its embarrassingly executed ghost activity instead of gradually building a foreboding and chill mood.  Modern day horror hacks such as scary music accommodating every would-be spooky scene robs them of the type of nerve-wracking intimacy that was usually achieved for the program.  It also has a doofy tone, where Greg Wise's antagonist is an unlikable smirking fellow and Tom Burke plays his annoying hotel neighbor who drinks and womanizes too much for the former's liking.  Also, the digital production is cheap and has none of the rustic authenticity to match its period setting.  So in other words, it makes one mistake after the other and may ward potential viewers off who were afraid that the modern day relaunch would do everything wrong that it used to do right.

 

WHISTLE AND I'LL COME TO YOU

(2010)

Dir - Andy De Emmony

Overall: MEH

 

Officially bringing M.R. James' celebrated "Whistle and I'll Come to You" into the A Ghost Story for Christmas catalog, (the originally broadcasted 1968 adaptation helped inspire the series yet was technically part of the BBC documentary strand Omnibus), this version is significantly tweaked from its source material by screenwriter Neil Cross.  This is hardly a bad thing on paper, since it differentiates itself from its popular counterpart, justifying its existence more than just being a contemporary-set retread of the exact same beats.  Also not a bad thing is John Hurt's wonderful performance as a man who has cared for his invalid wife of many decades, only recently delegating that responsibility to a rest home where he finally has the solitude to contemplate his past, morn for his vegetable-like spouse, and come to terms with the remaining years that he has left.  He chooses to do this in a remote coastline town during the off season of a hotel that he is practically the only occupant of, or so it would seem.  While director Andy De Emmony maintains an exceptional low-key mood that channels the very same tactics used by Lawrence Gordon Clark in the original series, the entire "whistling" angle is gone, leaving just a small series of arbitrary ghost activity to provide a deflating climax.

THE TRACTATE MIDDOTH

(2013)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

The first relaunched A Ghost Story for Christmas installment to be both written and directed by Mark Gatiss, (who has so far handled each duty for the program since), The Tractate Middoth is a mixed bag of sorts.  Another M.R. James adaptation which had been brought to the small screen a handful of times going back to the 1950s, Gatiss "updates" the tale to that very decade, tweaking further elements like new characters and an ending that leaves itself hanging for further malevolence to unfold.  The presentation is too pristine and digital to convey anything besides pedestrian scares, (plus it teeters on having a schlocky tone, especially where David Ryall's portrayal of a cartoonish and cackling grump is concerned), but one can still make out some channeling on Gatiss' part of the original program's director Lawrence Gordon Clark who would cut the sound during the intense bits without reverting to cheap jump scares.  Perhaps due to the compact thirty-six minute running time, this lacks the lingering pacing that enhances the suggestive spookiness in James' source material, another thing that Clark consistently delivered during the show's 1970s run.  It all makes for a glossy yet sterile watch, one that is done with love yet seems to have its tongue in its cheek when it should be taking itself more seriously.

 

THE DEAD ROOM

(2018)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

 

After a five year break and taking over the series with the traditional M.R. James reworking "The Tractate Middoth" in 2013, writer/director Mark Gatiss offered up his first original A Ghost Story for Christmas tale with The Dead Room.  Serving as a modern day reworking of the 1978 Irish short film A Child's Voice, the camp element is more pronounced than the program ever allowed in either of its incarnations, as Simon Callow plays a crotchety "back in my day" thespian who has been the bellowing voice of a horror radio program for five decades running.  In between lamenting the good ole days and scoffing at the more self-aware yarns that he is employed to read now, (mirroring the nod and a wink tone maintained by Gatiss himself), Callow also experiences random bouts of unexplained phenomena when back at his old recording studio, all of which points to a dark secret that he has lived with for some time.  Callow's silly protagonist seems to be "on" whether he is channeling his inner-hambone with the digital tape running or conversing with his humoring millennial producer, but this seems to be an intentional choice that puts the tongue in the cheek of the whole affair.  Sadly, the finale and the scare tactics are uninspired tripe, plus the presentation is farther away from the show's roots than ever.  Still, it is a charming attempt at tweaking the formula if one is in the mood for such a thing.

1970s British Horror Shorts Part Three

THE RETURN
(1973)
Dir - Sture Rydman
Overall: GOOD

There is little information out there on The Return; a thirty-minute long film that was presumably shown as a double feature in cinemas as opposed to being produced by the BBC or an equivalent thereof.  Sture Rydman only has two writer/director credits, (both of them shorts), and he is successfully joined here by cinematographer Douglas Slocombe, who would go on to shoot the first three Indiana Jones movies, amongst others.  The two person cast consists of Rosalie Crutchley and Peter Vaughan, and the narrative is a conglomerate of two short stories; "Nobody's House" by AM Burrage and "The Middle Toe of the Right Foot" by Ambrose Bierce, respectively.  The result is appropriately spooky, Slocombe shooting in natural lighting where virtually any supernatural spectre can be lurking in a multitude of shadows.  Predictable to a point, but its simplicity and brisk running time present a fat-trimmed and atmospheric trek into the supernatural.

 

THE CONTRAPTION

(1977)

Dir - James Dearden

Overall: GOOD

The debut from screenwriter/filmmaker James Dearden was the theatrical-supporting feature The Contraption.  Also on board is none other than The Rocky Horror Picture Show's Richard O'Brien in the lone staring role as a quite man who spends the entire seven-ish minute running time building...something.  That is about it, but stay for the finale as it is a hoot.  Clearly a black comedy, Dearden edited it as something more closely resembling an advertisement in style, though the tone remains dark and mysterious.  Without uttering a word, O'Brien gets the job done as he seems genuinely pleased with his progress, and even in such a short amount of time, he cannot help but to come off as menacing.  Dearden would follow this up with the more straight-forward though equally solid Panic the following year, and then Diversion the year after that, the latter of which would famously be remade by Adrian Lyn as Fatal Attraction.

 

THE FORBIDDEN
(1978)
Dir - Clive Barker
Overall: MEH

Clive Barker's second independent, amateur film The Forbidden was his knowingly pretentious avant-garde interpretation of the Faust legend.  Nearly twice as long as the eighteen minute Salome that proceeded it, this is equally bizarre.  Once again dialog-less and in black and white, the print is shown almost exclusively in negative.  This gives Barker and his small art crew the chance to stage creative visuals, painting the sets, costumes, and actors themselves while experimenting with the inverted images.  From a technical and visually pleasing standpoint, it is close to a triumph, as well as a solid improvement over Barker's previous film.  Yet the problems come in the movie's elongated running time.  Scenes involving shadowy nails hammered into wooden squares, (a clear pre-curser to Pinhead), a naked man dancing with a full-on erection, and another naked dude getting flayed as he lays heavily breathing on a slab all overstay their welcome.  In a more condensed form though, it would be an agreeable watch.

1970s British Horror Shorts Part Two

THE SPIRIT OF DARK AND LONELY WATER
(1973)
Dir - Jeff Grant
Overall: GOOD

This famous Public Information short commissioned by the UK's COI, (Central Office of Information), was played frequently during children's programing over a number of years,, and it took a strikingly darker tone to such material which was usually more humorous and kid friendly.  Serious this time about scaring kids away from the dangers of playing near bodies of water, The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water, (sometimes just referenced as Lonely Water), was narrated by none other than Donald Pleasence and shot outside in broad daylight over two days.  Running less than two minutes in length, it still manages to come off as chilling due to the calm and effectively eerie voice-over, as well as the hooded grim reaper-like black figure that slowly walks or stands still while children play carelessly around him.  For a genuinely spooky commercial, (which there are few if any of), it gets the job done.

 

MR. HUMPHREYS AND HIS INHERITANCE

(1975)

Dir - Tony Scull

Overall: MEH

 

Done as an installment of the Yorkshire Television ITV schools' program strand Music Scene, "Mr. Humphreys and His Inheritance" adapts M.R. James' 1911 short story of the same name and is one of the few surviving installments to the obscure show.  Though it runs less than seventeen minutes, it stays faithful enough to the source material which hardly required a hefty run time to pack in its plot points, which are sparse to begin with.  As the title would suggest, a man called Humphreys inherits his uncle's house, a house that happens to come equipped with a hedge maze that has some curious occurrences attributed to it.  It wraps up after presenting a lone supernatural moment, one that is creepy enough visually yet is ruined, (as is the entire episode), by a jaunty musical score that never shuts the hell up.

 

THE LAKE

(1978)

Dir - Lindsey C. Vickers

Overall: GOOD

 

One of two directorial works for Lindsey C. Vickers, (the other being 1981's outstanding and similarly structured The Appointment), The Lake may be too slow moving for most viewers since it essentially amounts to one thirty minute build up to convince us that our two person cast is doomed, but it is an expertly staged build up.  A dread-fueled mood is established straight away as we get several still establishing shots of a barn and its surrounding area, all filmed deadly quiet and in broad daylight.  The entire film plays in such a setting, putting us in the fly on the wall seat where Julie Peasgood and Gene Foad have a picnic, relieve their old childhood stomping ground, and get to some hanky panky before their dog becomes the first to sense that something is amiss in this isolated and seemingly tranquil locale.  Little happens until a lot happens all at once, with no explanation given to slam home the encroaching fear of the unknown.  Both we and our hapless protagonists begin to feel that something is wrong, but we are left with no answers, only questions.

1960s American Horror Part Twenty-Seven

DOG STAR MAN

(1961-1964)
Dir - Stan Brakhage
Overall: MEH

The most known of experimental filmmaker Stan Brakhage's works, Dog Star Man is a series of silent shorts that were made over the course of four years and are collectively linked despite having no decipherable narrative.  For those that are either inexperience with or have an adverse reaction to deliberately unconventional cinema, this will be a confounding endeavor since the entirety of the project is nothing more than heavily manipulated images which are exposed on top of each other with no sound design whatsoever.  Most of these visuals are illegible and meant for reactionary interpretation, creating a subjective viewing experience that is more akin to a moving and kinetic form abstract art that can only be seen as having a "story" if one's own imagination is engaged along with what is presented on screen.  As far as the shots themselves, they range from Brakhage and a dog climbing a mounting, to a baby being born, naked bodies, outdoor scenery, and various scratches, deliberate film imperfections, and morphed images that can be grotesque, haunting, beautiful, and always stupefying.   Certainly not for everyone and sitting through the entire seventy-eight minute collection will offer no further insight than simply witnessing one of the five sections on their own, but it is as good of a place to start as any when venturing into the world of experimental movie-making.

DEATH CURSE OF TARTU

(1966)
Dir - William Grefé
Overall: MEH

A typically sluggish crud rock from regional exploitation filmmaker William Grefé, Death Curse of Tartu, (Curse of Death), pits a teenage archeologist team against a dead voodoo priest that can turn into animals and unleash stock footage on people when his grave is disturbed.  Shot in the Everglades, the jungle setting is at least authentic, actor Frank Weed provided the animals that actually interact with the characters on screen, and there is some accidental mood-setting when the library-cued music shuts up and we get a couple of shots of Doug Hobart in zombie makeup.  The story is so rudimentary and unimaginative that it is almost impossible to pay attention to, something that is not helped by Grefé's wretched sense of pacing and the poor no-name actors who have to embarrass themselves with such tripe.  As a gripping bit of "boring white people vs supernatural jungle forces" action, the movie is an unmitigated failure, but as an accidental documentary about how dangerous the Florida wilderness is, it achieves some semblance of success.

 

HILLBILLYS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE
(1967)
Dir - Jean Yarbrough
Overall: WOOF

With a title like Hillbillys in a Haunted House, one's expectations should be set before a single frame is viewed. In this regard, it "delivers" on being a dopey genre mash-up, but whether or not anyone with half a brain cell would find it entertaining, that is another matter.  Sadly, this was the final screen performance of Basil Rathbone that was released in his lifetime and it also features other former genre heavyweights Lon Chaney Jr. and John Carradine, both of whom were well into the "anything for a paycheck" phase of their careers.  Seeing these three gentleman try and save face in such a lame-brained horror comedy is a painful experience, not because the movie beats you over the head with how stupid it is, but more by how lazy it is.  Both Ferlin Husky and Don Bowman, (who reprise their roles from the previous year's The Las Vegas Hillbillys, which this is a sequel to), have insufficient charisma to be the two leads and the plot seems like it was concocted within five minutes.  It revolves around cookie-cutter country singers who stay the night in a house where spies are doing something about a rocked fuel formula and also have a caged guy in a gorilla suit because apparently a goal of this movie was for Rathbone, Carradine, and Chaney Jr. to join Boris Karloff and Béla Lugosi in sharing screen time with a primate.  Besides Merle Haggard showing up twice, the rest of the many country music interludes, (including the entire last fifteen minutes), just slow down an already lifeless B-movie that should probably be the last one in anyone's filmography here that you should get to.

2021 Horror Part Thirteen

MONA LISA AND THE BLOOD MOON

Dir - Ana Lily Amirpour

Overall: GOOD

Another unique genre hybrid from filmmaker Ana Lily Amirpour, Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon is a black comedy, odd-ball thriller with strippers, cops, mental asylum escapees, and racially co-opting white boys.  Shot on location in New Orleans, it has a purposely seedy aesthetic that fuses neon tackiness with the grimier aspects of the French Quarter, plus the hip, techno-heavy soundtrack by Daniele Luppi and Italian DJ Bottin helps to create the appropriate atmosphere for a fish-out-of-water story.  Jeon Jong-seo in her first English-speaking role plays the mysterious ex-mental patient of the title who randomly garnishes the ability to mind control people that either get in her way or get in the way of those that egg her on into utilizing her newfound superpowers.  While these sequences are usually played for laughs, they are also done out of a desperation that puts us in the sympathetic seat, even if Jeon's backstory is purposely left murky.  When Kate Hudson's stereotypically down-on-her-luck stripper enters the picture and uses Jeon to make a financial killing at the literal expense of some deserving and some not so deserving bystanders, Amirpour's script toys with the concept of karma and still presents her characters with a nuanced enough brush to condone their actions.  Hudson probably steals the show, but Ed Skrein and a very Craig Robinsony Craig Robinson are great as well, plus the relatively happy ending makes some of the more unflinching aspects go down that much smoother along with the fantastical ones.

MUPPETS HAUNTED MANSION

Dir - Kirk Thatcher

Overall: GOOD

In on-again/off-again development for roughly thirty years, Muppets Haunted Mansion is the ensemble's first Halloween special, debuting on Disney+ in early October of 2021.  Directed and co-written by long-time Muppets contributor Kirk Thatcher, it has the usual pun-heavy gags, meta nods and winks, and overall silliness that the puppet ensemble has always embellished in.  Fusing The Muppets usual shtick with Disney's lighthearted dark ride proves to be an idiot-proof concept and something far better achieved than the studio's infamous Eddie Murphy-started vehicle from 2003.  The story focuses on Gonzo the Great's fearless nature as he walks around the title mansion like a kid in a candy store, all while Will Arnett hams it up as a creepy butler and Gonzo's pal Pepe the King Prawn falls under the spell of Taraji P. Henson's husband-beheading Constance Hatchaway.  It is enough of a plot to keep things moving to the next ghoulish, kid-friendly set piece, with a few tolerable musical numbers and recognizable cameos thrown in.  The obvious use of a green screen in many of the scenes, (including all of Arnett's), is distracting, but the meager production values are actually played for laughs with a few jokes here and there as to the insufficient budget.  It does not make room for all of the Muppet players to get the top-billed treatment and there is regrettably no Animal drum solo, but at only forty-nine minutes, it delivers the chuckles in a brisk enough fashion.

THE RIGHTEOUS

Dir - Mark O'Brien

Overall: MEH

A monologue-heavy performance showcase from writer/director/actor Mark O'Brien, The Righteous casts an impressive and persistent aura of dread, yet mangles some of its themes along the way.  Shot in black and white as a means to perhaps stylistically cover up the minuscule budget, the film largely plays out at a single farmhouse with a minimal amount of speaking roles, though speak they do.  In typical dramatic fashion, the characters get to unwind uninterrupted with a series of musings on regret, faith, and heartfelt justifications for both past and current actions.  Henry Czerny, Mimi Kuzyk, and Kate Corbett give weighty portrayals as two adopted parents and a biological mother of a young girl who has recently been taken from them; a traumatic experience that suffocates the entire proceedings and begs the question of whose side any sort of god is actually on.  This is further complicated with the arrival of O'Brien's suspicious drifter who is brought in by the family, only to reveal his otherworldly purpose as an answer to Czerny's penance.  The ideas are interesting, plus the tone is humorless and sincere, yet its weaving of end of days dogma and the nature of its supernatural components via psychological torment lead to a murky finish that only gets by on the strength of the movie's style and committed performances.  This gives it enough to recommend, but it could still afford to bring itself together more to deliver on its potential.

ABC Weekend Special Horror Part Two

HENRY HAMILTON GRADUATE GHOST

(1984)

Dir - Noam Pitlik
Overall: MEH

 

Season eight of the ABC Weekend Special series kicked off with Henry Hamilton Graduate Ghost based on the 1982 book of the same name by Marilyn Redmond.  Though the presentation is borderline embarrassing in its cheapness and the whole thing is about as cinimatically spectacular as a box of Raisin Brand, the story itself concerns a Confederate soldier returned from the grave who is tasked with scaring a suburban family out of their home in order to graduate from ghost school, plus there is an amusing side arc where an African American, supernatural fanboy neighbor conducts a spell to exorcise him.  Naturally, all real life Civil War atrocities are glossed-over and aside from several questionable moments where a grown man-specter kisses children that are not his own, it has a harmless, dopey agenda with one or two clever laughs present for those who can stomach the syrup.

THE ADVENTURES OF A TWO-MINUTE WEREWOLF

(1985)

Dir - Pamela Pettler

Overall: MEH

 

Coincidentally released the same year as the Michal J. Fox comedy Teen Wolf, The Adventures of a Two-Minute Werewolf utilizes an almost identical premise, exploring the themes of male adolescence via lycanthropy.  It even throws in the angle of such coming-of-age transformations being hereditary in their literal hairiness, though the tone is appropriately more suited for pre-teens than high schoolers, with it being a children's program and all.  Continuing in the tradition established by Joe Dante whereas a werewolf movie most have werewolf movies playing in the background, little Knowl Johnson and his buddy Julia Reardon watch Universal's The Wolf Man in a movie theater and one or two other Easter eggs are scattered about as well.  The source material by Gene DeWeese is tame stuff by any standards since the most ferocious thing that Johnson's character does while wolfed-out is partake of some spontaneous gymnastic practice and sit on top of a bully while playfully making gruff noises until the police arrive.

CAP'N O.G. READMORE MEETS DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE

(1986)

Dir - Rick Reinert

Overall: MEH

 

Season ten of the ABC Weekend Special opened with the second full episode to feature the series' master of ceremonies Cap'n O.G. Readmore with the accurately titled Cap'n O.G. Readmore Meets Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Besides hosting the show since 1984, the character had been primarily featured in the previous year's Cap'n O. G. Readmore's Jack and the Beanstalk and would go on to get three more such appearances where he enters into the novel chosen for his all-feline Friday Night Book Club.  Naturally they jump into the Robert Louis Stevenson classic here, interfering with the story to the point where Stevenson himself has to appear to set things right.  As one could guess, the horrific exploits of Mr. Hyde are neutered to the point of unrecognizablity as the most fiendish of his acts is throwing a bunch of cabbages around and interrupting a play with his horrendous singing, which is all fine for the kiddos of course as not to scare them with prostitute tormenting and murder.

THE MONSTER BED

(1989)

Dir - Carole Beers/Andy Kim/Ray Lee

Overall: MEH

 

A reworked adaptation of Jeanne Willis and Susan Varley's hit children's book of the same name that is not to be confused with the similarly premised, Fred Savage/Howie Mandel vehicle Little Monsters from the same year, The Monster Bed closed out the twelfth season of ABC Weekend Special in typical lighthearted fashion.  Both this and the aforementioned source material were aimed at four year olds and played off of the "there's a monster under my bed" cliche of nighttime anxieties, so the lack of any nods or winks towards adults means that any viewers from preschool on up will find little to latch onto here.  This is not helped by three cutesy musical numbers in about twenty-five minutes, one of which is rap-adjacent for extra datedness.  There are some clever gags where a human boy ventures into a monster dimension and drive-in B-movies with titles like People from the Blue Lagoon are meant to be scary, but this is otherwise forgettable stuff.

MONSTER IN MY POCKET: THE BIG SCREAM

(1992)

Dir - Don Lusk/Ray Patterson
Overall: GOOD

 

This Hanna-Barbara produced television pilot found its home in the fifteenth season of the ABC Weekend Special and was a tie-in to the briefly popular Monster in My Pocket toy-line from Matchbox.  Airing on Halloween in 1992 and appropriately titled Monster in My Pocket: The Big Scream, it has a proper English Invisible Man, a Rastafarian Werewolf, a dim-witted Frankenstein monster, and a mummy squaring-off as the good guys against a vampire with a ponytail, Medusa, and a swamp monster who represent the villains.  All parties involved have been shrunken to one inch size due to a spell gone wrong and now they run around trying to get back to their normal form with the help of a famous horror novel writer's daughter and a scream queen actor.  There is hardly enough here to hinge an entire series on hence it being a one-off, but the animation is solid, the voice cast seem to be enjoying themselves, and it makes for an amusing addition to the largely forgotten franchise as well as some fun holiday view for now-grown 90s kids.

ABC Weekend Specials Horror - Part One

THE GHOST OF THOMAS KEMPE 

(1979)

Dir - Robert Chenault

Overall: MEH

This season three episode of the ABC Weekend Specials series is an adaptation of Penelope Lively's children novel The Ghost of Thomas Kempe, which concerns a particularly annoying poltergeist who gets a young boy into an endless barrage of trouble.  Thus a long-established staple of the horror genre is beaten into the ground where someone witnessing supernatural activity is never believed by anyone, which is commonly reserved for women or kids to be at the butt-end of such unwavering prejudice.  Considering the the title spirit is a centuries old sorcerer, it is ridiculous that everyone endlessly blames little James Harrison for mischief that defies the laws of physics, several such grown-ups even doing so just because he is seen walking his dog in the vicinity of vandalism or objects being thrown around.  Even though it is a kids program first and foremost, nothing that transpires here is remotely frightening let alone spooky, plus a missed opportunity was taken in expanding upon the backstory of the title spectre besides just making him a pesky asshole.

 

THE TROUBLE WITH MISS SWITCH

(1980)

Dir- Charles A. Nichols

Overall: MEH

The first of two children's films based off of author Barbara Brooks Wallace's Miss Switch character, The Trouble with Miss Switch aired on Saturday morning as part of ABC Weekend Specials which regularly adapted literary material aimed at younger teens.  A Ruby-Spears production with the company's frequent director Charles A. Nichols in tow, it has a fun, slightly spooky musical score and lighthearted antics like witches flying around on broomsticks who brew up spells in their cauldron and cause high school quarterbacks to disappear.  This particular story presents the concept of a witch's council that utilizes a Compute-O-Witch to tally its members magical accomplishments, a concept that is as silly in animated form as it sounds on paper.  Unfortunately, it is about as funny as it is scary and since it focuses on two adorable, nerdy kids helping their favorite sorcery-practicing teacher around, it is definitely for younger audiences only and not something to be marveled at besides its innocent, nostalgic appeal.

BUNNICULA, THE VAMPIRE RABBIT

(1982)

Dir - Charles A. Nichols

Overall: GOOD

A loose adaptation of Deborah and James Howe's initial novel in their Bunnicula series, Bunnicula The Vampire Rabbit was the first of two horror-tinged installments in the fifth season of the ABC Weekend Specials program, both of which were animated.  The story is largely unfaithful to the book, only maintaining the basic premise of the vegetable juice-sucking title critter being found in a shoe box with a note written in Romanian also inside of it.  Whereas in the novel said bunny was never proven to be an actual member of the undead, here he is shown to have explicit vampiric abilities, flying around in a cape with glowing red eyes while he magically levitates three ravenous wolves in a food processing plant.  Granted said shenanigans were reveled to have happened outside of Harold the dog's vision, (Harold being the narrator of the story and ergo not a hundred percent certain of what transpired in this particular instance), but even the story's plot here has a unique trajectory to what it is based upon.  Still, it is an amusing romp that anyone familiar with the source material may get an innocent enough kick out of.

MISS SWITCH TO THE RESCUE

(1982)

Dir - Charles A. Nichols

Overall: MEH

 

Ruby Spears Production's The Trouble with Miss Switch sequel Miss Switch the the Rescue features the same main voice cast and personnel while adapting another of Barbara Brooks Wallace's books with identical, purely kid-friendly results.  Comparatively, this is a more elaborate story involving time travel, a character getting turned into a troll, and flying pirate ships.  That said, it still revolves around the good-natured title character pitting her wits against her nemesis Saturna who was banished to the inhospitable Island of Fire and Ice after their previous encounter with each other.  This also serves as the final project that frequent voice actor Hans Conried, (from Dudley Do-Right and Disney's Peter Pan fame), ever appeared on, voicing a seventeenth century Warlock.  Oddly, the one-two punch of each ABC Weekend Specials episode did not result in at least a season long series to capitalize on their moderate success, but they collectively make a harmless, mildly spooky double-feature.

 

THE HAUNTED MANSION MYSTERY

(1983)

Dir - Larry Elikann

Overall: MEH

 

The sixth season opener of ABC Weekend Specials was an adaptation of Virginia Masterman-Smith's 1979 novel The Treasure Trap, here changed to the somewhat misleading title of The Haunted Mansion Mystery.  Notable for containing an early performance from a thirteen-year old Christian Slater, it features he and Tristine Skyler investigating the whereabouts of a crotchety old, child-hating miser who lived in the latter's house and presumably hid away his vast fortune before mysteriously disappearing.  Standard stuff which is anchored well enough by the likeability of the two young leads, but there are only vague supernatural teases thrown in and it ultimately leads to a low-stakes finale where everyone gets to laugh and smile about how safe everything turned out.  Perfectly fine entertainment for the youngster demographic that it is aimed at, but hardly memorable and only of passing interest to anyone coming across it all of these decades later.

Rankin/Bass Productions Horror

JACK O'LANTERN

(1972)

Overall: GOOD

For their Halloween installment in the Festival of Family Classics anthology series that aired throughout a late 1972-early 1973 season, Rankin/Bass produced Jack O'Lantern which takes the Irish tradition of caving up vegetables and turns it into a kid-friendly tale of a helpful Leprechaun who rids a well-meaning farmer, his children, and their talking livestock of a pesky witch and her effeminate warlock husband.  Such a narrative route was likely taken in that instead adapting the Irish legend of Stingy Jack, (a drunkard who makes a deal with Satan and ends up roaming the earth as an animated pumpkin), would have been too macabre for the kid-targeted audience of such a program.  Even with the cackling villainess flying around on her broomstick while threatening children and commanding a legion of demons to do her bidding, this is still tame stuff that is not likely to deliver the chills for anyone watching.  What it lacks in ghoulish atmosphere or even half-baked chuckles though is forgivable for its charming voice cast and whimsical be it simple, fable-esque storytelling.

 

MAD MAD MAD MONSTERS

(1972)

Overall: GOOD

A lighthearted companion piece to 1967's Mad Monster Party?, Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin Jr.'s Mad Mad Mad Monsters is not as enduring as its predecessor, yet it delivers the ghoulish nyuck nyucks just fine.  Released in late September of 1972 as part of The ABC Saturday Superstar Movie series, sadly Rankin and Bass' excellently stylized stop-motion animation is replaced by the tradition variety which is akin the CBS's Groovie Goolies cartoon that aired for a single season the following year, perhaps purposely so.  Once again Baron von Frankenstein, (here changed to Henry instead of Boris as Mr. Karloff was replaced by Bob McFadden in the voice department), finds an excuse to gather the usual monster suspects together for a bash, this time as he marries off his hulking Creation to the Bride.  Impressionist extraordinaire Allen Swift returns to handle every male monster in the lot, including but not limited to Count Dracula, Claude the Invisible Man, Igor, and Ron Chaney the Werewolf, with Rhoda Mann stepping in taking the female roles, including Nagatha the Invisible Woman whose nagging banter with her husband is the highlight of the entire affair.  Most of the jokes are groan-worthy and/or fit for a three year old, but it is still hard for monster kids young and old not to fall for such campy charm.

 

THE LAST UNICORN

(1982)

Overall: MEH

One of the final theatrically released films from Rankin/Bass and yet another collaboration between them and the Japanese animation studio Topcraft, The Last Unicorn brings Peter S. Beagle's fantasy novel of the same name to well-crafted life.  Realism is purposely skewed in order to give each character and creature on screen a unique design which fits the mystical setting full of wizards, harpies, dragons, talking skeletons, blazing fire bulls, and of course forest-dwelling unicorns who in this particular story have been banished to the sea by Christopher Lee's distraught King Haggard.  Besides Lee whose voice is the most instantly recognizable, the cast is full of heavy hitters such as Mia Farrow in the title role, Alan Arkin as the second-rate magician with a heart of gold, Angela Lansbury as a wicked crone, Jeff Bridges as the heroic Prince, and Robert Klein as a singing butterfly.  Though Beagle penned the screenplay and remained faithful to his own source material, the story regularly meanders with most of the characters endlessly repeating themselves and speaking in either platitudes or riddles.  Also the soundtrack composed by Jimmy Webb and performed by America is lousy and because of this, the fact that several songs are stacked on top of each other in the running time becomes a problem, though Farrow, Bridges, and Klein prove to have adequate, unique enough singing voices for what the material calls for.

2000s American Horror Part Seventeen

THE CELL

(2000)

Dir - Tarsem Singh
Overall: GOOD

 

The full-length debut from music video director Tarsem Singh and screenwriter Mark Protosevich, The Cell takes a visually ambitious, surreal route in its FBI procedural framework.  Literally diving into the mind of a schizophrenic killer through virtual reality neuroscience, thankfully a great deal of the film takes place in the fantastically designed bizzaro world which is inspired by various, evocative artworks.  The production is top-notch in this regard and Singh makes ideal use out of the hefty budget with something that both Alejandro Jodorowsky and Salvador Dali would probably be proud of.  As far as the actual story goes, it does not hold up to the exceptional, tripped-out sequences of course, but it serves its purpose in a more conventional sense.  Vincent D'Onofrio is not the most unique of cinema's deranged psycho killers, but his performance is still plenty captivating and A-listers Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughan are likewise sufficient in less showy roles.  Gorgeous and disturbing to look at in equal measures, everything else holds together well enough to recommend it.

THE CALL OF CTHULHU

(2005)

Dir - Andrew Leman

Overall: MEH

 

A charming labor of love if not an altogether flawless endeavor, The Call of Cthulhu is the first cinematic adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's most famous literary work done as a throwback silent film by the Historical Society that bares the author's name.  Cheaply and independently financed, there is great attention to detail in the presentation which calls upon German Expressionism most noticeably, featuring atmospheric cinematography, exaggerated performances, costumes, and makeup of the era.  It also utilizes various, more modern filmmaking techniques that break the retro spell throughout.  In this regard, the movie never quite feels like an authentic work from the 1920s as it is missing that hand-cranked camera aesthetic and relies on certain editing techniques and shots that were nowhere to be found in such a period.  Tossing such minor criticisms aside though, the often presumed "unfilmable" story indeed does not quite work within such a framework as Lovecraft's specific blend of unexplainable madness is limited by the production values.  The musical score is certainly a highlight though as is the admirable agenda here, so it is easily worth taking a look at for curiosity's sake if anything else.

ZOMBIELAND

(2009)

Dir - Ruben Fleischer

Overall: GOOD

Taking a page directly out of the Shaun of the Dead playbook with rapid speed flesh-eaters directly out of 28 Days Later, Zombieland surprisingly squeezes a little bit of worthwhile life from the problematically over-saturated sub-genre.  The first feature from music video director Ruben Fleischer with a spec script by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, it quickly makes a point to poke fun at stereotypes associated with such movies as Jesse Eisenberg's ever expanding list of "rules" for surviving the zombie apocalypse covers the usual dos and especially dont's that we usually see.  Once Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin join the proceedings, there is just enough character development to make everyone likeable as the actual plot introduces no conventional "villains", just a series of amusing set pieces with a conventional, be-it self-mocking "coming of age" slant.  The R rating is appreciated more for the occasional profanity than the gore, plus quirky details like Harrelson's aggressive search for Twinkies, Eisenberg's fear of everything, and of course Bill Murray's cameo are pretty irresistibly charming.

1980s American Halloween Shorts

THE CROWN OF BOGG

(1981)

Dir - Bruce Murray

Overall: MEH

 

Future Alf creator Paul Fusco's The Crown of Bogg aired on Showtime in 1981 and it is a rather bizarre, Muppets-styled special that comes off like a poor man's Fraggle Rock.  Both director Bruce Murray and co-writer Tony Basilicato have very few cinematic credits on their resumes and though Fusco would obviously go on to an adequate level of success with his wise-cracking alien puppet sitcom, everyone's creative powers combined here do not produce the most clever of stories.  It only has one lousy song, (which is appreciated), but bad jokes, silly/quasi-racist accents, utterly flat direction, and primitive production values make it is no surprise that most people alive at the time have failed to remember that this ever existed in the first place.  Yet considering that its sole purpose was likely nothing more than to amuse three-year olds, it gets an innocent pass.

GARFIELD'S HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE

(1985)

Dir - Phil Roman

Overall: GREAT

The first of three Garfield holiday specials that aired during the 1980s and one of two that came out before the Saturday morning Garfield and Friends series was launched, Garfield's Halloween Adventure, (Garfield in Disguise), is a typically excellent one.  The usual personnel is on board, including director Phil Roman, creator/writer Jim Davis, music composers Ed Bogas and Desirée Goyette, singer Lou Rawls, and voice actors Lorenzo Music, Gregg Berger, and Thom Huge.  Since much of the Garfield persona revolves around him loving to eat, the story is a no-brainer as it sends he and Odie off on a trick or treating adventure to snag as much candy as possible, only they also run into a mysterious old man in a creepy island house, (voiced by veteran character/television actor C. Lindsay Workman), and some pirate ghosts that come back for their buried treasure.  There is a sea shanty song, a "dressing up in costumes is fun" song, Binky the Clown is obnoxious, Garfield breaks the forth-wall, and it is all awesome, as well as frequently hilarious.

 

MR. BOOGEDY

(1986)

Dir - Oz Scott

Overall: MEH

Shot as a pilot that garnished a full-length sequel the following year, Mr. Boogedy aired as The Disney Sunday Movie, oddly enough in April though its reputation as a standard, Halloween viewing experience settled in after the fact.  A purposeful cliche fest that is quite high on the cutesy, family-friendly charm, it is about a hundred times tamer than even the tamest Goosebumps episode since Disney was hardly in the market for making kids shit their pants in uncontrollable terror.  This has early performances from both Kristy Swanson and David Faustino, with John Astin showing up as a comically ghoulish realtor and character actor Richard Masur playing the clueless, novelty gag salesman father.  Some of the joke are not too terribly insulting and the title character looks nasty enough, but this is pretty dopey stuff.  It is in and out in about forty-five minutes and has the good will to not include any horrendous musical numbers at least, so if you are simply burnt out on the awesome that is Disney's Halloween Treat and its several variations, then sure, go ahead and put this on as well.

1970s Halloween Shorts Part Two

THE HALLOWEEN THAT ALMOST WASN'T

(1979)

Dir - Bruce Bilson

Overall: MEH

 

The live action monster mash The Halloween That Almost Wasn't, (The Night Dracula Saved the World), was one of several festive television specials from 1979 and it is pretty low on both budget and laughs while also qualifying as silly enough to be harmless.  It was filmed at the ole Dark Shadows abode the Lyndhurst house in Tarrytown, New York by veteran TV director Bruce Bilson with a couple of familiar faces making up the ghoulish cast.  Henry Gibson plays a typical bafoony Igor, John Schuck plays a typical bafoony Frankenstein Monster, and Judd Hirsch does one of the most solid Béla Lugosi impressions ever as a slightly less bafoony Count Dracula.  The plot is kid-friendly nonsense and hardly important, but sadly the weak production values have aged about as well as the hammy jokes, all of which makes the whole thing a pretty tame, cornball relic.  It also ends with a disco song because 1979.

 

CASPER'S HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

(1979)

Dir - Carl Urbano

Overall: MEH

 

Hanna-Barbera's first of two Casper holiday specials, Casper's Halloween Special, (Casper Saves Halloween, Casper the Friendly Ghost: He Ain't Scary, He's Our Brother), is a sufficiently charming one that is aimed solely at younger audience members.  This, the same year's Casper's First Christmas, and the television series Casper and the Angles all share the identical production personnel and voice cast, though this particular story stays far more grounded than some of the show's episodes which inexplicably featured outer space romps amongst other things.  Casper and an adorable gang of orphan kids try and trick or treat, Casper's asshole roommates keep getting in the way, Hairy Scary has a change of heart and helps them out, everybody wins in the end.  It is certainly way too kid friendly to delight any level of horror buff and barely attempts to tell a single joke, but it also all gets in and out with only two musical numbers, both of which are tolerable.  Thankfully, Hanna-Barbera's penchant for abysmal laugh tracks are nowhere to be found as well.

 

ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT SCARY

(1979)

Dir - Nell Cox

Overall: MEH

 

CBC Library was an educational children's anthology series that showcased either live-action or animated interpretations of literary works and the very first episode of its three season run was Once Upon a Midnight Scary which initially aired on October 21st, 1979.  While the program itself is of mediocre quality at best and wears its low budget values on its sleeve, this particular entry is notable for containing none other than Vincent Price who narrates and introduces each segment in his usual campy, "in on the ghoulish fun" style.  Price is clearly the highlight since the lame first story "The Ghost Belonged to Me" is more of a teaser for a proper one than anything else, "The Legend of Sleepy Hallow" is low on atmospherics and contains an annoying performance from the usually good Rene Auberjonois, and the final and longest "The House with a Clock in Its Walls" focuses on a dumb wiener kid who "aw shucks" all of his lines.  So yeah, pretty skipable stuff save for Price's always delightful involvement.

RAGGEDY ANN AND ANDY IN THE PUMPKIN WHO COULDN'T SMILE

(1979)

Dir - Chuck Jones

Overall: MEH

 

Following up the previous year's Raggedy Ann and Andy in the Great Santa Clause Caper, Chuck Jones delivered the Halloween equivalent with Raggedy Ann and Andy in the Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile.  While Jones' animation here is not as showy as his legendary Looney Tunes work, there are still several signature traces of his style that pop up in the character design and facial expressions.  The story is essentially a Grinch variation as the title dolls convince a crotchy lady to lighten up on the holiday in question by merely whispering nostalgic musing to her in bed.  Also, Les Tremayne delivers a borderline obnoxious performance as the pumpkin who wines and wails miserably in most of his scenes.  The whole thing barely even qualifies as a comedy so any parents watching will have no choice but to bask in the syrupy cuteness and hope that their children are mildly entertained enough for twenty-three minutes.  It is not as bad as all that really, it is just easily forgettable for anyone who was not five years old and/or has nostalgic memories from when it originally aired.