Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi Series - Part One

SENRITSU KAIKI FILE KOWASUGI FILE 01: OPERATION CAPTURE THE SLIT-MOUTHED WOMAN

(2012)

Dir - Kōji Shiraishi

Overall: MEH

 

Kōji Shiraishi's on-going Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi series kicks off with the first of a two-parter of sorts that dropped in 2012, the elaborately-titled Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi File 01: Operation Capture the Slit-Mouthed Woman.  The formula is established where Shigeo Ôsako and Chika Kuboyama each play videographer ghost hunters who investigate paranormal videos that are sent to them, hooking up with the original footage shooters, replaying the scary bits in slow motion, returning to the scene of the otherworldly incidents, and editing it all together in a conventional formula.  Before the series would go further into outrageousness and all-out mockumentary parody, it adhered to the more sincere and unnerving tone of Shiraishi's seminal Noroi: The Curse, as well as the other multitudes of found footage movies on his resume.  Fans of his particular J-horror brand of the sub-genre will have enough here to be interested in, even if much of the logic is flimsy and Ôsako's character frequently ruins things with his inexplicable rage-fueled outbursts that everyone else just nonchalantly puts up with.

 

SENRITSU KAIKI FILE KOWASUGI FILE 02: SHIVERING GHOST

(2012)

Dir - Kōji Shiraishi

Overall: MEH

 

Released a month after Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi File 01: Operation Capture the Slit-Mouthed Woman, the follow-up Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi File 02: Shivering Ghost follows an identical route and carries over a plot point or two while exploring a singular narrative of an all new supernatural mystery.  The story is more interesting than that in the first installment, as well as less redundant considering that Shiraishi already tackled the slit-mouthed woman urban legend five years earlier in Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman.  Here we have something that alludes to outer space, other dimensions, characters getting possessed and convulsing on the ground, protoplasm outbursts with flowers in them, people disappearing, mysterious buildings, and weird guys who do not answer any questions that you ask them.  These are motifs that Shiraishi had and would continue to explore with varying success, and a few moments here are effectively creepy, but once again Shigeo Ôsako portrays one of the worst characters in any found footage project.  He hardly says much and when he does, he is bound to go from zero to sixty on the rage scale, physically beating men and women alike while screaming at them and simultaneously putting them in continuous danger.  It is a baffling choice to take with an entire series' main character, but if one can stomach his unnecessary and obnoxious outbursts, this is otherwise a worthy outing.

 

SENRITSU KAIKI FILE KOWASUGI FILE 03: LEGEND OF A HUMAN-EATING KAPPA

(2013)

Dir - Kōji Shiraishi

Overall: MEH

 

For the third Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi series installment Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi File 03: Legend of a Human-Eating Kappa, it at first seems like we are going to be sparred Shigeo Ôsako hot-tempered director character since he is still in a coma and his partner and cameraman are soldiering on with a new case.  Regrettably, it turns out that Ôsako merely has to walk around with a cane for awhile and is otherwise just fine and ready to spring back into action.  That said, he comparatively behaves himself here in the team's new plight to rid a dangerous pond of some pesky kappa creatures that have a history of making people disappear there.  There are several glaring narrative inconsistencies, and this contributes more to the paranormal investigator's laughable lack of ability to keep their subjects safe when venturing into dangerous terrain.  If one can forgive the goofy liberties taken with the material and simply bask in the formulaic found footage set pieces, there are some good moments here, as well as some over-the-top ones that would point the direction that the rest of the series would indulge in.

 

SENRITSU KAIKI FILE KOWASUGI FILE 04: THE TRUTH! HANAKO-SAN IN THE TOILET

(2013)

Dir - Kōji Shiraishi

Overall: MEH

 

Four episodes in and the Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi series gets around to one of Japan's most frequented urban supernatural motifs, namely haunted bathrooms.  Senritsu Kaiki File Kowasugi File 04: The Truth! Hanako-san in the Toilet introduced the concept of time/dark dimension jumping into this universe, and apparently the returning three characters have amnesia and forgot all about it since in later installments, they act just as amazed and excitingly shout the same boasts that they are capturing such phenomena for the "first" time on camera.  Things get more outrageous here than ever before and also more unintentionally comedic, unless Kōji Shiraishi is in fact deliberately going into tongue-in-cheek terrain.  It is difficult to tell since Shigeo Ôsako, Chika Kuboyama, and their never-complaining cameraman still posses no sense of humor whatsoever and have a problematic lack of chemistry with each other that would continue to be the case throughout the franchise's run.  As usual though, any complaints that one can launch against these movies and many of Kōji Shiraishi's wild found footage mockumentaries in general are complaints about things that are there by design.  So a jerky montage into an evil nether-realm, spontaneous deaths by falling desk chairs, lots and lots of running around and back and forth, also lots and lots of screaming, and supernatural rules that are both blatantly ignored and made up on the fly are all here to delight/annoy your senses.

The Underworld Series

UNDERWORLD

(2003)

Dir - Len Wiseman

Overall: MEH

 

For anyone who has pondered what Charles Band would have done if he ever had more than mere pocket change to work with, the initial Underworld and its subsequent series should provide an answer.  A dark, leathery, wet, and Gothy schlock-fest with embarrassing CGI, hardly any visible colors besides muted blues and grays, Matrix-styled set pieces, pretentious and mugging performances for days, hard rock and metal music cues, plus no intentional humor within miles of the proceedings, this is aggressively juvenile nonsense.  Every character is interchangeable both physically and personality wise, and they are portrayed by actors who have zero chemistry with each other and lean into the same pompous accents, with Kate Beckinsale in the lead being the only one that steers clear of egregious scenery-chewing.  This is B-movie silliness through and through and to be fair, the creative personnel behind it know what they are delivering.  The mythos-heavy plot is only there to service "badass" monster battles, vapid dialog about regular vampires and werewolves not getting along and adhering to their ancient codes, and special effects sequences that are always dumb and never interesting.

 

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION

(2006)

Dir - Len Wiseman

Overall: WOOF

 

Director Len Wiseman and screenwriter Danny McBride continue their numbing collaboration with Underworld: Evolution.  Affording us a recap and picking up where the 2003 initial effort left off, this one is even more lifelessly blue-filtered, even more action packed, even more humorless, and even more aggressively dull.  To add insult to injury, the plot line is convoluted in its grasping-at-straws attempt to deepen its mythology.  It even throws a twin brother into the mix, showing that for only round two, they were already relying on the laziest of narrative tricks.  Whereas the first film was hare-brained enough that even a child could follow it, this one bounces all over the place, introducing more interchangeable characters leaning into their exaggerated British thespian annunciations while being perpetually wet, bloody, and leathery.  Not that you can decipher much crimson in the relentlessly ugly non-color pallet, which only breaks from its soulless blue when Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman get all hot and bothered with each other, and in the end when the sun comes out to usher in a new beginning or who gives a shit.  Essentially then, this sequel just exemplifies everything that was forgettable about its predecessor.  It really is just a hundred and six more minutes of special effects sequences wrapped around the most bland characters looking miserable.  Maybe it would help if they were not so "blue" all the time.

 

UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS

(2009)

Dir - Patrick Tatopoulos

Overall: MEH

 

As anyone can tell ya, the best way to milk a franchise is to dip into the prequel pool at some point, and the Underworld series does just that with their third installment Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.  Len Wiseman steps away from the director's chair here, not that you would notice since new guy Patric Tatopoulos maintains the exact same lifeless tone and one-note visual ugliness as his predecessor.  Complaining about these movies being exclusively blue-filtered is like complaining about Mexican food being Mexican, but they really do create a hopelessly unengaging aesthetic that never helps such a Ravenloft-esque story go anywhere interesting or fun.  Several of the actors reprise their roles here, (sans Kate Beckinsale who took the night off, good for her), and they mug and pontificate just as much as ever in the period setting which explores how the werewolf folk rose up against their blood-sucking oppressors.  The CGI still sucks, but the monster suits come off acceptable and the overall scale is impressive, even if you cannot decipher much of it with such dark, unappealing, and dizzying cinematography.  On that note, it is difficult also difficult to grasp what any fans of this franchise enjoy about it, but unless it is the fast cars and Matrix outfits, it is all still here centuries earlier in all of its miserable mayhem glory.

 

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING

(2012)

Dir - Måns Mårlind/Björn Stein

Overall: MEH

 

A direct sequel to 2006's abysmal Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Awakening brings things back to not only modern day but actually over a decade in the future where both werewolves and vampires have been discovered by normies, and secret government agencies and scientists are trying to harness their powers because they gotta do something.  This one was plagued by countless drafts of an inadequate script, as the production went underway while various kinks were still being worked out, including the creature design and even the film's ending.  We are mostly done with pontificating immortals mugging at the camera and taking themselves too seriously, instead bringing Kate Beckinsale back to kill a lot of people in skyscrapers, all in her quest to find her old lycan fling who she had no chemistry with and oh yeah, she has a daughter now.  Comparatively, this one leans into its B-grade schlock more deliberately, with a higher emphasis on gore and physics-defying action sequences, though the franchise was always one to put battles, chases, and one-on-one duels over anything else.  It still looks awful, (all digital blue filters and embarrassingly unconvincing CGI effects), but Beckinsale ALMOST comes off like she is ALMOST enjoying herself in her Catwoman costume, flipping around and slicing and dicing up fellow monsters and humans alike.  It would be nice if she got to do this in something that was not so sterile and boring, but eh, what can ya do?

 

UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS

(2016)

Dir - Anna Foerster

Overall: MEH

The Underworld series, (to date), mercifully wraps up with Underworld: Blood Wars, another interchangeably dull installment with no distinguishing elements whatsoever.  This was the debut from television director Anna Foerster, but putting a woman behind the lens for the first time and teaming her up with new screenwriters Kyle Ward and Cory Goodman makes not an ounce of difference.  The lycan/vampire war still rages, there is still no humor, not one actor has an ounce of charisma on screen, (save maybe Charles Dance for his few brief moments), the CGI effects are still appalling, and it is still a colorless and lifeless bore from front to back.  Kate Beckinsale gets to wear a white fur coat for a few seconds, but that is about it.  There have been many monster mash yarns over the years that drop the ball by various means, but none of them have gone on this long with such persistently anti-fun results.  By taking themselves so seriously, rushing through hackneyed and insipid exposition, and bombarding the screen with monochrome "spectacle", one is annoyed, disinterested, and exhausted before the obligatory opening narration even wraps up.  It has been almost a decade now since things were better left alone, so let us hope that there are no future filmmakers with any Underworld nostalgia out there who will resurrect such drivel.

2012 Horror Part Fifteen

I AM A GHOST

Dir - H.P. Mendoza

Overall: GOOD

 

A Kickstarted, economist haunted house film of sorts from independent filmmaker H.P. Mendoza, I Am a Ghost is a refreshing take on the genre due to its minimalist production values, as well as an unconventional presentation and narrative.  Besides the disembodied voice of Jeannie Barroga, Anna Ishida is the only actor who is focused on; an unassuming young woman who goes about her day alone in a spacious house that looks as if it was shot in an authentic, old timey bed and breakfast.  An unorthodox opening title sequence sets the stage for the equally singular movie that follows it, as the same scenes are shown over and over again in varying orders and with subtle tweaks introduced to them until we finally get some dialog to calm the viewer's frustration.  Tackling lingering spirits who are stuck on the mortal plane as well as the mediums whose business it is to guide those spirits into a proper afterlife, it revitalizes some familiar concepts in a manner that is equally challenging, funny, and thought-provoking.  While some of the budgetary issues result in cartoon monster faces and faulty scare tactics in the final act, the film is heavy on a singular style with its disjointed construction, photographic/rounded-corner aspect ratio, undisclosed period setting, stilted dialog, lush surreal flourishes, and some otherwise startling creepiness.  Mendoza crafts something that is intimate while being simultaneously fragmented, which further mirrors the concept of specters going through a disjointed afterlife.

CHRONICLE

Dir - Josh Trank

Overall: MEH

Gimmicky yet fun to a point, John Trank and Max Landis' Chronicle is burdened by a pointless found footage presentation which is so illogically utilized that it undermines an otherwise acceptable super villain origin story.  Found footage movies inherently struggle with the probability of its characters pointing the camera at incredible occurrences come hell or high water and this example is one of the most laughably convoluted.  Dane DeHaan both choosing to and being allowed to bring a bulky, expensive camera to school and everywhere else in his life is ridiculous enough, but as he and two other fellow students gain physics-manipulating powers and the trusty cameras are always capturing everything in a cinematically conventional manner, it crosses over into the frustrating and unnecessary.  By the would-be thrilling conclusion, the rapid editing between all manner of camera comes off as if the filmmakers just gave up in maintaining any law or order within their chosen method.  This erroneous decision aside, the narrative follows a predictable chain of events where power corrupts the one person on screen who we never doubt for a second will be corrupted, but there are still some interesting set pieces that spring up along the way.  The special effects work occasionally dips its toes into embarrassment, but it is largely on the up-and-up and the movie works most effectively when exploring how three high school kids who would otherwise never click as a trio all manage to bond together with their mysterious, newfound abilities and hopes for the future.

SADAKO 3D

Dir - Tsutomu Hanabusa

Overall: WOOF

What exactly went wrong behind the scenes for the latter Ringu installment Sadako 3D is anyone's guess, but in any event, decisions were made, money was spent, and a terrible sequel/reboot of sorts was produced.  An adaptation of Koji Suzuki's fifth book in the series, director Tsutomu Hanabusa takes his first crack at the horror genre which may explain why the results are so abysmal.  A bombardment of unacceptably awful CGI effects have the adverse effect of whatever they were supposed to achieve, instead taking one out of the proceedings long before the laughably misguided, over-the-top finale arrives.  Said conclusion finds our main protagonist squaring off against a full-blown army of "girl from the well" ghosts who have inexplicably turned into cartoon spider monsters that explode into pixelated leaves every time that Satomi Ishihara merely screams at them.  The script has rightfully been panned for its laziness and inconsistencies, so it is a fool's errand to try and make sense out of the failed potential here to update the VHS-cursing title spirit into something that is more readily accessible to spread its vengeance via laptop and cellphone.  Instead, we just have non-written characters and sluggish pacing, plus big, dumb, loud, and nonsensical set pieces that look worse than place-holder graphics for a video game.

2012 Horror Part Fourteen

HELTER SKELTER

Dir - Mika Ninagawa

Overall: MEH

 

The second film from fashion photographer-turned director Mika Ninagawa doubles as her second manga adaptation.  Arriving five years after her debut Sakuran, Helter Skelter, (Herutâ sukerutâ), brings Kyoko Okazaki's source material to visually fetching life.  Vibrantly colorful while frequently venturing into the surreal via drawn-out montages set to familiar classical music, it explores a cartoonish level of vanity that comes with fabricated fashion idols and their desperation to stay relevant in their own eyes, let alone in as many other people's eyes as possible.  As optically pleasing and stylistically grand as the movie is, the story never picks up momentum, which is largely due to an underwritten protagonist played by Erika Sawajiri.  A surgically-created super model that optimizes It-girl perfection, her character is consistently uninteresting with her lone personality trait being a cripplingly frail sense of narcissism that is threatened by the slightest breeze, giving her ample opportunity to spiral out of control and never once gain the audience's sympathy.  This could be a deliberate move in having the almost sole focus be on somebody vapid enough to mirror the crystal clear theme that conventional beauty and celebrity obsession are superficial wastelands, but it makes for a trying watch that is, (perhaps accurately), all show with less interesting substance.

DON'T LET THE RIVERBEAST GET YOU

Dir - Charles Roxburgh

Overall: WOOF

A movie like visual effects man/SOV camp peddler Charles Roxburgh's Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You is one of those whose consistent lousiness is no doubt intentional, yet how intentional remains the biggest question.  A collaboration between Roxburgh and screenwriter Matt Farley who had and continues to dish out low-rent B-movie parodies, the duo goes for the self-aware genre nyuck nyucks of Larry Blamire, but they drop the ball in every single production aspect. All of the actors are charismatic-less, unprofessional schlubs, their eyes frequently look off camera to pick up their lines which they stumble through anyway, it is as cinematically competent as a home movie shot by your grandma, the constant jokes are head-scratchingly awkward instead of remotely funny, the rubber suit monster is shot in broad daylight and looks atrocious, and there is a cheap Casio-worthy keyboard score running throughout the entire thing until some original songs are thrown in that are sink-in-your-seat embarrassing.  Most of these aspects seem to be there on purpose, but that purpose is clearly meant to be humorous and the biggest faux pas of any comedy is when the viewer is more confused and bored than laughing with the proceedings.  Even laughing AT what transpires here is a difficult endeavor and though everyone on board seems to have their goofy hearts in the right place, boy is it crap.

LEAVING D.C.

Dir - John Criss

Overall: GOOD

Taking full advantage of the found footage framework where a feature length film can be made for zero dollars, John Criss' Leaving D.C. is a wonderfully creepy, minimalist work that ducks out too early with a painfully abrupt ending, yet otherwise delivers the chills.  As the only person on screen sans a handful of minutes when a friend/frustrated non-love interest comes to visit, Criss plays an unassuming, middle-aged man who flees the big city to gleefully move out into the middle of nowhere, sending compact video journals back to his friends from an OCD support group.  This takes care of the "Why is he filming this?" conundrum and it also allows for Criss to be awkard in front of the camera, giving him a likeable, everyday Joe quality that is easy to sympathize with.  The disturbing series of events are played out gradually and inexplicably instead of in-your-face terrifying, giving Criss' lone protagonist enough logical reason to stay put and update everyone on his predicament.  Getting right to the point every time that he turns the camera on, it makes for an agreeable, suspenseful pace and besides just being a clever series of odd, unexplained spookiness that would make anyone think twice about living where the closest anything is over a half hour away, the movie is a compelling examination of one man's relatable insecurities and isolation colliding with the otherwordly.

2012 Horror Part Thirteen

THALE

Dir - Aleksander L. Nordaas

Overall: MEH

 

Moody yet underwhelming, Thale is the sophomore effort from Norwegian filmmaker Aleksander L. Nordaas; an ultra low-budget, contemporary, feral woman by-way-of folklore genre offering.  Largely shot in his father's basement on a measly $10,000 and with a minimal cast, Nordaas handled many of the production duties himself and creates an intriguing, sorrowful tone with intimate camerawork, a longing musical score from Raymond Enoksen and Geirmund Simonsen, and a story about a hulder, (a Scandinavian forest creature that is usually depicted as humanoid except for having a cows tail), that is uncovered by a two-person clean up crew.  Perhaps due to the insufficient budget which is ill-equipped for the grander scheme of the material, the film is low on action and heavy on talking and expository information which is given via tape recordings left behind by someone conducting experiments on the mystical entity of the title.  This makes for a tedious watch that spins its wheels and delivers an anti-climactic finish that raises more questions on top of the ones that the movie barely brought up in the first place.  Worse yet is some absolutely wretched CGI, which is not even necessary as it presents a cartoon version of the already human-esque monsters that Silje Reinåmo managed to pull off just fine in her birthday suit.

THE BATTERY

Dir - Jeremy Gardner

Overall: GOOD

The debut The Battery, (Ben & Mickey vs. The Dead), from actor turned-writer/director Jeremy Gardner was put together with a $6,000 budget garnished from friends and it takes an intimate, aesthetically low-key look at a zombie outbreak.  A tired premise to be sure, but the presentation is at least interesting here, headed by Gardner and co-star Adam Cronheim's chemistry with each other as two local ball players who accidentally get paired together for the long trek through the undead wasteland.  The first half is overcrowded with indie rock montages, (many of which come within literal seconds of each other), but these are interjected enough with the opposing view points and personalities of the protagonists to keep things moving.  Though there are some amusing set pieces earlier on, (and one masturbation sequences that tips its toes into "Seriously dude?" absurdity), the drawn-out finale revs up the tension at a meticulous pace and delivers a gut-punching, ambiguous ending that seems well-earned for a story about the monotony and arguable futility of survival.  Maybe ten or so minutes too long as to emphasis the severe boredom that sets in when the normal world has been replaced with complete solitude that is only interrupted by ghouls who want to munch on your flesh, but for something made so incredibly cheap, it represents a refreshing alternative to the type of derivative, large-scale post-apocalyptic zombie flicks that are out there in droves.

COSMOPOLIS

Dir - David Cronenberg

Overall: MEH

Some committed performances from a plethora of actors who get to monologue to their hearts content have a purposely ponderous effect on David Cronenberg's adaptation of Don DeLillo's 2003 novel Cosmopolis.  Soulless by design, it spends a day in the life of Robert Pattinson's detached, young billionaire whose inability to find some kind of connection with anything going on around him leads him from one vapid conversation to the next.  It is not so much about the frustration of the ninety-nine percenters, (sans Paul Giamatti's character who serves as a speaker-box for the common man, be it an impenetrably insane one), but more about the corruption of the one percenters who have obtained such grotesque amounts of wealth that they look anywhere that their whimsies take them for something to provide solid footing.  Cronenberg's handling of DeLillo's material channels the ambiguity of his William S. Burroughs' reworking Naked Lunch, except with none of the surreal flare to disguise it.  Instead, the movie is rooted in reality while the characters are not, as they go through an aloof existence that offers no answers.  It could all be seen as something intellectually contemplative or just plain ole pretentious in its monotony, but besides one or two startling outbursts in the final act, such dedication to low-level dryness is weary on the brain.

2012 Horror Part Twelve

VAMPS

Dir - Amy Heckerling

Overall: GREAT

Reuniting with Alicia Silverstone after their hugely successful collaboration on Clueless nearly twenty years earlier, writer/director Amy Heckerling takes on the undead in Vamps; a delightful and hilarious horror spoof that is refreshingly light on its feet.  Heckerling's penchant for pop culture references, fast banter, and manageable dramatic stakes are crystalized here where Silverstone and her bestie Krysten Ritter face off against a handful of inconveniences in their struggle to stay modern while not feeding on humans.  A plethora of recognizable faces show up along the way, including but not limited to Sigourney Weaver as the reckless head-vampire "stem", Malcom McDowell as Vlad Tepish, Tod Barry as a minor undead, Dan Stevens and Wallace Shawn as Van Helsing decedents, and Richard Lewis as Silverstone's former counter-culture love interest.  While the budget is only sufficient enough to pull-off CGI of the most utterly embarrassing variety, Heckerling's script cruises along with endlessly hilarious gags that present a world where nearly all of the malevolent tendencies associated with bloodsuckers are de-fanged and made adorably harmless.  The central theme of nostalgia warrants numerous cutaways to Golden Age Hollywood films and old timey flashbacks and it oddly has a coming-of-age agenda, even with protagonists that are pushing a few centuries.

RED KROKODIL

Dir - Domiziano Cristopharo

Overall: WOOF

A Naked Drug Addict - The Movie aka Red Krokodil is a bold yet largely unwatchable examination of the tribulations of substance abuse.  Brock Madson is the only actor on screen or at least the only character on screen as his narcotic-fueled psychosis is host to various hallucinations which include a nude double of himself, another naked person with a large bunny mask on, and an eyeball poking out of the wall.  While these freaky visuals snap the viewer out of the purposely tedious nature of the non-narrative, the overwhelming majority of the run time is just dull and ugly.  Again, this is intentional as Cristopharo and screenwriter Francesco Scardone pull no punches with their harrowing depiction of its subject matter as the day-to-day monotony of Madson's doomed protagonist blends one wretched scene into the other with no variation between them.  Which begs the question of who the audience is for such a thing.  Admirable and even noble perhaps in how determined the production is to slam home its point, (drugs are bad folks), but such a thing is just disturbing and gross as well as being the antithesis of compelling.  Like many an exploitation film, it tries to get by on its audaciousness alone, but it just ends up being a miserable hour and twenty-three minutes that sails off into the atomic bomb sunset without saying anything as profound as it lets on.

REC 3: GENESIS

Dir - Paco Plaza

Overall: MEH

Instead of continuing their writer/director partnership on the REC series, Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaz split for the third and fourth installments, with the latter's REC 3: Genesis emerging two years ahead of Balagueró's REC 4: Apocalypse.  Sticking to the found footage framework only throughout the twenty minute, pre-title opening, the movie eventually settles into its horror/comedy/action shtick and while it delivers crowd-pleasing moments in each of the genres that it attempts to balance, it does so at the cost of each of them.  This is to say that a tonal issue plagues most of the proceedings, where Plaza bites off more than he can chew in a bold attempt to revamp a franchise that many could argue needed no such revamping, let alone any further entries.  On the one hand, retreaded the hand-held camera format could have easily been redundant, but the conventional approach here unavoidably pales in comparison to what Plaza and Balagueró were able to perfect before.  Its gory, well-acted, genuinely amusing, fast-paced, and has a predictable ending that still manages to pull at the heart-strings, (and deservingly so), but it is also just another high-octane zombie movie that does not take itself too seriously, which is something that the world hardly needs more of.

2012 Horror Part Eleven

KISS OF THE DAMNED

Dir - Xan Cassavetes

Overall: GOOD

 

The full-length debut Kiss of the Damned from writer/director Xan Cassavetes is a quasi-throwback to 70s, exploitative Euro-horror and one that is heavy on elegant, erotic style.  A musical motif occurs several times that is right out of Italian giallos, plus the ADRed line-readings and thick foreign accents would sit right at home with any number of exports from such an era.  Still, this is contemporary-set and besides one or two slow camera zooms and a Gothic abode that could be a stand-in for the house in José Ramón Larraz's Vampyres, it has a contemporary look and feel.  That said, the dialog is often weak and the plotting thin when it comes to Roxane Mesquida's villainess who is the only character to behave like a smirking asshole for reasons that are never explained.  It offers up a sophisticated angle on vampire mythos though, where most of the undead detest feasting on human blood and pride themselves on their refined tastes and bourgeois lifestyles.  Cassavetes has an eye for striking visuals and suave atmosphere, even if some of the budgetary constraints and old school genre pandering dip their toes into unintentional, (or intentional), camp here or there.

COMPLIANCE

Dir - Craig Zobel

Overall: WOOF

One of the most unwatchable thrillers in recent times, Compliance brings a true, documented strip search call scam that was conducted over a ten year period, all to disturbing life in a manner that is fitting yet relentlessly miserable.  Even without the proper historical context at one's disposal, the audience will have no problem being able to pick up exactly what is going on which is well over an hour before anyone on screen wises up to it.  As is the case with any "based on a true story" movie, certain liberties were taken with the specifics of course, but the effort to rev up the tension by writer/director Craig Zobel goes to absurdly unnecessary lengths, even if said lengths are factual.  While this is not to diminish the trauma that was suffered by the actual victims of the real world ordeal, (the result of over seventy such scam calls made by a single perpetrator), it does not translate to the screen where person after person goes along with increasingly, clearly suspect acts.  The movie raises questions of victimization, brainwashing, and, (as the title obviously alludes to), compliance under pressure, but watching a poor woman get humiliated and sexually harassed by unwilling parties for ninety minutes is just an inexcusable premise for a film.

 

HORROR STORIES

Dir - Jung Bum-shik/Kim Gok/Kim Sun/Min Kyu-dong/Hong Ji-young/Im Dae-woong

Overall: MEH

 

This unimpressive horror anthology from South Korea brings together six different directors, none of which manage to pull off anything memorable in such a framework.  Simplistically titled Horror Stories, (Museoun Iyagi), and the first in a to-date three-deep franchise, it has a framing narrative with a quirky serial killer/kidnapper who instructs his victim to put him to sleep with any frightening tales that she can come up with.  Coincidentally, the audience may find themselves dozing off themselves by the time that the nearly two-hour ordeal has run its course.  The first segment "Don't Answer the Door" has some initial, spooky potential as two kids who are left alone have their imaginations run wild with supernatural forces trying to get them, but it gets confused before wrapping up.  "Endless Flight" has some convenient/illogical horror movie plotting, "Secret Recipe" is a weird, cannibalistic folk tale re-working, and "Ambulance on the Death Zone" ends up being more of a monotonous, paranoia-fueled zombie scenario than a suspenseful one.  Oodles of jump scares and rapid editing muddle things up further and the entire ordeal overstays its popcorn-friendly welcome with its exhaustively cliched presentation.

2012 Horror Part Ten

BYZANTIUM

Dir - Neil Jordan

Overall: GOOD

 

Eighteen years after his exceptional adaptation of Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire, director Neil Jordan returns to similar material by similar means with Byzantium.  Just as Interview was scripted by the book's author, Moira Buffini pens her own screenplay here which is based off of her 2008 play A Vampire Story that was turned into a proper novel in 2016.  The story combines familiar vampire metaphors with inventive tweaks to the mythos.  Here, the undead are transformed not by bite but via a mystical cave which only the terminally ill are granted access to on particular occasions.  The main focus is on a mother/daughter team who have lived for centuries on the run, with one of them making ends meet by following "the code" while the other longs to tell her story and be freed from the burden of solemn, emotional isolation.  It is one of the more humane depictions of blood-suckers out there who walk freely in sunlight, have no monstrous deformities, and only prey on those whom they share their secret with, revisiting them once they are in old age and therefor ready to die.  Primarily a narrative triumph, Jordan still has a keen skill for pacing and elegant visuals even with working within a sub-genre that he had already made his mark in before.

 

RESOLUTION

Dir - Justin Benson/Aaron Scott Moorhead

Overall: MEH

 

For their first of to-date five full-length efforts together, director team Justin Benson and Aaron Scott Moorhead's Resolution works better as an indie buddy comedy than as a thought-provoking Twilight Zone nightmare.  Though it apparently takes place in the same cinematic universe as the duo's 2017 film The Endless, said movie's use of topsy-turvy timelines were more prevalent as well as far better utilized than here.  Mysterious forces are alluded to yes, but they come off as an underwritten afterthought compared to the central drama revolving around a guy who decides to force his drug-addict best friend to detox.  The banter between the two leads is both funny and convincing even if the psychological subtext is pedestrian, thus making the film a successful parody of low-budget character studies.  It is a shame that the last twenty minutes suffer the biggest tonal issues and narrative inconsistencies as the freaky elements are left frustratingly vague as they are trying to simultaneously ramp up.  Out of nowhere, the two characters that we have been spending the whole ordeal with come to arbitrary conclusions in order to keep the setting grounded until it finishes off on a "Huh?" cliffhanger that is even more random in its execution.

CHANTHALY

Dir - Mattie Do

Overall: MEH

A DIY debut from Mattie Do, Chanthaly is also allegedly the first Lao horror movie to be directed by a woman, if not the country's first horror film of any kind.  A significant work in this respect, it has some impressive attributes for something filmed entirely at a single location, (Do and her screenwriter husband Christopher Larsen's home), and with no obvious production values.  Exclusively hand-held camera work and almost no musical score give it an intimate feel, but it is also noticeably the work of a first time filmmaker.  Many of the shots are standard, the performances are stiff, the supernatural jolts are cliched, (arbitrary ghost activity such as refusing to talk yet opening their mouths wide, appearing in mirrors for a flash second, and interacting with the living world when the script allows them to), and the mid-range, digital shot quality is cinimatically lacking.  These are forgivable criticisms though considering the amateur circumstances by which it was made.  The story is an interesting meditation on the acceptance of losing a parent or child, but it is also unfocused, pulling off a nifty yet unsatisfying narrative shift in the final act that raises more questions without profoundly exploring them.

2012 Horror Part Nine

FRANKENWEENIE

Dir - Tim Burton

Overall: GOOD

 

Arguably the most direct love letter to Tim Burton's childish love of horror movies that the director ever made, Frankenweenie serves as his somewhat inevitable full-length adaptation of his own 1984 short of the same name.  The hallmarks of Burton's work are as ever present as always here, hallmarks that themselves have always deeply been inspired by the genre films that permanently warped his quirky, harmlessly macabre aesthetics.  Misunderstood, outcast characters, nods to everything from Universal monsters, to Godzilla, to Rankin/Bass stop-motion specials, Danny Elfman's incessant and whimsical score, black and white photography with every shamelessly Gothic cliche in the book, etc.  It even has returning Burton alumni Catherine O'Hara, Martin Landau, and Winona Ryder on board, though oddly Johnny Depp for once took this project off.  For any fans of the filmmaker's work or kid-friendly, Disney fare in general, it is pretty impossible to find much fault with Frankenweenie, a film quite pleasing in its safe, predictable structure and auteur vision.

DRACULA 3D

Dir - Dario Argento

Overall: WOOF

 

The opening title sequence in Dario Argento's Dracula 3D sets the stage quite accurately; an incredibly cheap-looking digital intro with cornball music that would fit in something like a retro, dancing vampire toy for Halloween.  The schlock only intensifies from there and boy does it ever.  To be fair, Rutger Hauer is surprisingly understated as Van Helsing, the set and costume design is solid, the screenplay takes a significant amount of liberties with the stripped-bare source material to warrant itself unique enough, and being an Argento film, it has a few splendidly giddy gore sequences.  Every other aspect is pure, unintentionally embarrassing absurdity.  The post-dubbed dialog sounds like it was "written" by people with only the most rudimentary grasp on the English language or how human interactions work, the visual effects are almost inconceivably poor, most performances are sink-in-your-chair awkward, the pacing is oddly stagnant, and German actor Thomas Kretschmann's title character is probably the least memorable Dracula since ever.  Watching a movie like this from an always eccentric though once ingenious filmmaker whose cinematic output has only grown more hilariously clueless in recent times, it is necessary to try and appreciate it as the trainwreck oddity that it can only be.  That is if your want to laugh at it every step of the way which is truly the best one can hope for.

SINISTER

Dir - Scott Derrickson

Overall: MEH

Though it relies far too heavily on predictable and over-used horror tropes, Scott Derrickson's Sinister at least to a point boasts some decent ideas and production values.  Christopher Young's unorthodox soundtrack is a highlight, mixing strange electronics and ambient noises in quite different ways from scene to scene.  The cast and dialog are also stronger and more convincing than usual, particularly the dynamic between Ethan Hawke and Juliet Rylance as a struggling yet supportive couple.  The most promising aspect of Derrickson and C. Robert Cargill's script is the world building which creates an intriguing amount of detail surrounding an entirely fabricated Pagan deity which acts as a stand-in for the Bogeyman and Pied Piper.  Though the name Bughuul and Slipknot-member-look of said deity is rather silly, there are a handful of genuinely creepy scenes early on concerning him.  Things get more derivative as the story progresses when it turns into a "here comes the jump scare" game and ghoulish kids holding up the "ssshhhhh" sign and tilting their heads which are far more hackneyed than frightening.  Despite one or two clever tweaks to the formula, its primary objective is unfortunately that of a cliche work-out.

2012 Horror Part Eight

DEAD SUSHI

Dir - Noboru Iguchi

Overall: MEH

 

Essentially if Lloyd Kaufman and John De Bellow went to Japan and indulged in their natural, non-artistic artistic inclinations, Dead Sushi, (Deddo sushi), would most likely be the result.  Written and directed by former adult video filmmaker Noboru Iguchi, (Mutant Girls Squad, Zombie Ass), it is an indulgently silly, messy, juvenile-centered movie where just the title alone spells things out rather plainly.  A premise about killer sushi that also features zombies, a talking egg, some of the worst digital effects ever committed to celluloid, random kung-fu break outs, horny businessmen, and a guy who turns himself into a were-tuna is nothing to take serious and is nothing taken seriously by anyone involved.  Tone issues not even remotely being a problem then, the film gets to bask in its gross-out goofiness.  It is harmlessly dumb and for those looking for something with enough wacky and very exclusively Japanese ingredients on display, this is a logical pit stop to make.

 

THE PACT

Dir - Nicholas McCarthy

Overall: MEH

The first full-length from writer/director Nicholas McCarthy who is primarily stuck with the horror genre throughout his career thus far, The Pact is an adequately made outing that does not quite overcome its still highly derivative nature.  Too many conventional horror hallmarks are overused including but not limited to a blind spiritual medium, internet research, nightmare sequences, a makeshift Ouija board meant to be a very serious/no going back tool for communicating with the dead, faulty electricity, cameras catching supernatural phenomena, a woman that no one believes, and just about every single last frightening nuance being accompanied by a sudden and loud noise on the soundtrack.  While the comic relief is nil, the film's trite components get overwhelming enough that it dips its toes unintentionally into cornball terrain anyway.  McCarthy's clearly a fan of the genre as he pulls no punches in adhering so closely to it, though this is precisely the problem as the movie has not a solitary chance of rising above any other mediocre film so similar to it.

PARANORMAN

Dir - Sam Fell/Chris Buttler

Overall: GOOD

This collaboration between English filmmakers/animators Sam Fell and Chris Buttler is yet another generally fun horror film aimed at both parents and children in equal measures.  Starting off with a deliberate "Feature Presentation" ode to grindhouse cinema and going the stop-motion route instead of being exclusively constructed on computers, ParaNorman takes some retro approaches without succumbing to straight throwback nostalgics.  This is a plus.  Even though the computer and practical animation hybrid still feels too clean and has that unfortunate, over-digitized smoothness, it also has that grounded and weighty quality that shooting actual objects with actual cameras brings to stop-motion.  As far as the story goes, it is plenty moving and has a rather singular theme of unchecked fear resulting in regrettable actions with painful consequences.  This never becomes too heavy-handed though as the visual aesthetics remain engaging and the predictable yet effective narrative is highly user-friendly to follow.  The only downside is that much of the humor falls flat and certain scenes hit a brick wall because of it.  Things never stumble for too long though and there are enough redeemable qualities to enjoy.

Anime Horror - Berserk: The Golden Age Arc

THE EGG AND THE KING
(2012)
Dir - Toshiyuki Kubooka
Overall: GOOD

Adapted into a novel and television show before, Toshiyuki Kubooka's extravagant Berserk: The Golden Age Arc is a to-date three part retelling of the said section of manga artist Kentaro Miura's celebrated series.  Depicting often unflinching violence and sex, it is adult dark fantasy through and through.  The first entry The Egg and The King introduces us to the Band of the Hawk mercenary company led by the enigmatic, strikingly angelic and feminine looking Griffith and his heavily-leaning, homoerotic obsession over the impossibly difficult to put down tank Guts.  The horror elements are kept mostly at bay here, only truly emerging with some curious dream sequences and a memorable battle against the demon lord Nosferatu Zod, (which is a funnier name than the ridiculously powerful character ends up actually being).  Things are set into motion captivatingly enough here in the first act and the animation is beautiful throughout, though for those who stick around, the truly striking stuff occurs later on.

THE BATTLE OF DOLDREY
(2012)
Dir - Toshiyuki Kubooka
Overall:  GOOD

A proper, mostly indistinguishable companion piece to The Egg and the King, part two of the Berserk: The Golden Age Arc film series The Battle of Doldrey ushers in some more character depth and ultimately climaxes with what one would presume to be a rock bottom moment for the Band of the Hawk or more specifically, its charismatic and cryptic leader Griffith.  Of course things get considerably darker later on, (spoilers).  Taken as its own film, some of the plot points may seem a bit arbitrary and the ending might not add up from a logical perspective, but this is not a problem when viewing the trilogy as a whole, which in all honestly was its precise intention anyway.  Similar to the previous installment, this one is rooted firmly in medieval dark fantasy and actually sticks the most out of the three to the earthbound, war-torn European elements of the arc's story.  Thankfully, the lack of demons and monsters is not a problem as the battle sequences are superbly dramatic and enticing.  In that regard, this is an excellent in-part "finale" before shit truly goes off the rails in the next chapter.

THE ADVENT
(2013)
Dir - Toshiyuki Kubooka
Overall: GREAT

After two top-notch acts where badass mercenaries slaughter badass knights during badass war sequences one after the other, the last segment to Toshiyuki Kubooka's film adaptation of The Golden Age Arc to Kentaro Miura's Berserk manga finally brings us into actual hell.  The results in The Advent really could not be more impressive.  There are a good amount of "nick of time" comic book level saves and plot conveniences plus the story brings itself to such an epic conclusion that it seems unwilling to wrap itself up a handful of times.  Yet all of this is not only forgiven, but also understandable due to the demonic spectacle on display.  Visually, this is as thrilling as over the top horror anime gets with gigantic demon monsters emerging in a dimension where every walk-able surface is made of screaming heads, all the while bloody limbs are thrown everywhere and munched on.  The hardcore sex is as disturbing as the profound violence, but the series has built itself up to this moment so meticulously that it is a highly appropriate amount of bizarre nastiness in every positive way.  Whether or not future volumes are in store as the end credit scene clearly sets up, this is very much a solid trilogy as is.

2012 Horror Part Seven

ANTIVIRAL
Dir - Brandon Cronenberg
Overall: GOOD

Sometimes the apple does not fall very far from the tree.  Brandon Cronenberg is, (you guessed it), the spawn of none other than David Cronenberg: The Godfather of Body Horror and Brandon's own filmmaking debut Antiviral clearly proves that father and son are artistically tickled by very similar interests.  It is indeed difficult not to compare this movie to those of Cronenberg Senior and also a bit unfair to do so as Brandon is following in such large, lingering footsteps.  Yet simply acknowledging that Antiviral is a similar beast to Videodrome, eXistenZ, Crash, or Dead Ringers to name a few is enough so moving on from that, you can look at the movie on its own turf.  Brandon Cronenberg certainly cultivates a persistent mood here.  In fact, one could argue that it may even be TOO consistent as we watch a mumbling Caleb Landry Jones, (who is already naturally creepy to behold), be violently sick for nearly two hours in a dystopian setting where celebrity worship has been perverted beyond anything sexual and into something even more bleak and unsettling.  The concept is strong and though the execution may be a bit too relentlessly cold for some, it is an impressive outing that shows more than enough promise for future works.

GRABBERS
Dir - Jon Wright
Overall: GOOD

Big, dumb monster movies usually have a hard time standing out enough amongst the herd.  Which is what makes Irish filmmaker Jon Wright's sophomore full-length Grabbers all the more impressive.  It has a small coastal town getting besieged by an alien menace and two main characters who are nothing alike that initially despise each other only to of course find true love in each other's arms.  Yet it is that rare occasion where the premise has a hilarious enough twist and then actually delivers on it to kind of make the stock bits not an issue.  If the movie did not continue to bust out funny, exciting monster battle gags after it introduced that the best defense against it was for everyone to get pissed since alcohol seems to be deadly to said blood sucking, giant octopus things, then all would be for naught.  Even before it gets laugh out loud funny in its third act though, the small crop of characters are made both incredibly likeable and interesting with Wright cruising things along the whole way through.  It has got to be one of the better movies to playfully toy with the "working class Irish folk sure love to drink" stereotype and pitting it against squishy tentacled sea creatures ends up being quite the hoot.

JOHN DIES AT THE END
Dir - Don Coscarelli
Overall: GOOD

Dropping a Masters of Horror episode in between, Don Coscarelli's otherwise follow-up to the solid Bubba Ho-Tep is the ludicrous adaptation of David Wong's webserial-turned-novel John Dies at the End.  An almost tireless headtrip, it is recommendable to give up on following the incessant, arbitrary weirdness from the get-go and simply give into it instead.  Striving on pure imagination, Wong's story is not about coherence or really anything at all besides just having fun with as many insane, hallucinatory, time and dimension-bending shenanigans as possible.  The fact that the narrative is told primarily in flashbacks and that the title makes as much sense as anything else happening, (meaning none), is all part of the charm, playing further with the audience every step of the way.  Even the Troma-level, laughably bad green screen and CGI seems to be there on purpose and fits right at home with a hot dog cell phone, a naked totalitarian society wearing animal masks, alien bugs, an amputee ghost hand, and Paul Giamatti thinking he is black.  It is yet another example that when Coscarelli is not making his appallingly terrible Phantasm movies, he does some pretty damn good work.

2012 Horror Part Six

LESSON OF THE EVIL
Dir - Takashi Miike
Overall: GOOD

Takashi Miike is something of a Japanese Michael Bay; someone whose films are equal parts over the top, ridiculous, and panned by many critics, (Audition notwithstanding).  He is also one of the most prolific Asian filmmakers working and has more than several in the horror camp.  Lesson of the Evil is a very morally bizarre work as it makes itself lurk in such a disturbing premise that most filmgoers will be naturally uncomfortable throughout viewing it.  Yet Miike presents this distasteful outing with a hefty amount of headscratching oddness and the tone shifts seem to compliment it more than they logically should.  It is difficult to tell if Hideaki Itō's character is accidentally poorly written or deliberately poorly written.  Very curious moments like him fantasizing about having an American serial killer partner, (who also shows up as an eyeball in a shotgun), Odin's ravens, and the song "Mack the Knife" keep Lesson of the Evil from becoming an uninspired slasher movie, even if all the wacky details do not amount to having much meaning.  The combination of alarming subject matter, blunt violence, and seemingly irrelevant strangeness seems to be kept at a consistent boil where nothing comes off as too incompetent to crash everything down.

LOVELY MOLLY
Dir - Eduardo Sánchez
Overall: GREAT

In the last decade or so, a small number of filmmakers have upped their game and taken familiar source material and gone above and beyond in tweaking the formula more than enough to be worth one's time.  In addition to this, it is incredibly rewarding in a genre that needs more fresh juice than any that some of these films end up being rather frightening because of it.  Which at its core is ultimately the goal of any horror film; to actually be rather frightening  There is a lone jump scare in Lovely Molly and one may question a logical move here or there, but even horror movie cynicism cannot deny that everything else presented more than makes up for it.  Eduardo Sánchez of course was half of The Blair Witch Project's creative team and though his film output has been small compared to others, it is better to have a single movie like Lovely Molly emerge thirteen years later than a barrage of forgettable ones.  Speaking of Blair Witch, there are parts of the found footage formula on display here, but thankfully Sánchez does not rely on them, getting away with their inclusion by letting his characters put the camera down and then having conventional, handheld cinematography take back over.  These are mere stylistic details though.  The story is genuinely disturbed and it slowly escalates to a practically perfect ending, with excellent performances front to back.  This movie essentially shows that you can take a handful of commonplace horror ingredients and exquisitely reward the viewer's intelligence and patience while likewise creeping them out.

FOUND.
Dir - Scott Schirmer
Overall: WOOF

Making a movie that looks like it was shot on video with non-actors and no budget is one of those unfortunate facts of minimal filmmaking that sometimes there is just no way around.  Scott Schirmer has made a handful of independent horror movies in the same vein as found. and he deserves credit with doing the best with what he has got.  Technical aspects this noticeable though are quite an uphill problem to gloss over, especially when people with youtube accounts are making videos on their phones that are edited, acted, and more dazzling to look at than this.  There are other problems here besides budgetary ones though.  Essentially it is an exaggerated story about being picked on and fighting back when you are a kid.  Well kind of because it is also about having a schizophrenic brother, asks the question as to whether or not having dark interests will in turn make a dark human, and also racism very, very randomly.  So it is really a messy effort that tries to tackle on far too many things for its exceptionally modest budget.  Schirmer plays the entire film very straight which on paper is a good move, but it also makes several of its themes impossible to buy into when again, it comes off far more as a student film than a "real movie".