(2003)
Dir - Len Wiseman
Overall: MEH
For anyone who has pondered what Charles Band would have done if he ever had more than mere pocket change to work with, the initial Underworld and its subsequent series should provide an answer. A dark, leathery, wet, and Gothy schlock-fest with embarrassing CGI, hardly any visible colors besides muted blues and grays, Matrix-styled set pieces, pretentious and mugging performances for days, hard rock and metal music cues, plus no intentional humor within miles of the proceedings, this is aggressively juvenile nonsense. Every character is interchangeable both physically and personality wise, and they are portrayed by actors who have zero chemistry with each other and lean into the same pompous accents, with Kate Beckinsale in the lead being the only one that steers clear of egregious scenery-chewing. This is B-movie silliness through and through and to be fair, the creative personnel behind it know what they are delivering. The mythos-heavy plot is only there to service "badass" monster battles, vapid dialog about regular vampires and werewolves not getting along and adhering to their ancient codes, and special effects sequences that are always dumb and never interesting.
(2006)
Dir - Len Wiseman
Overall: WOOF
Director Len Wiseman and screenwriter Danny McBride continue their numbing collaboration with Underworld: Evolution. Affording us a recap and picking up where the 2003 initial effort left off, this one is even more lifelessly blue-filtered, even more action packed, even more humorless, and even more aggressively dull. To add insult to injury, the plot line is convoluted in its grasping-at-straws attempt to deepen its mythology. It even throws a twin brother into the mix, showing that for only round two, they were already relying on the laziest of narrative tricks. Whereas the first film was hare-brained enough that even a child could follow it, this one bounces all over the place, introducing more interchangeable characters leaning into their exaggerated British thespian annunciations while being perpetually wet, bloody, and leathery. Not that you can decipher much crimson in the relentlessly ugly non-color pallet, which only breaks from its soulless blue when Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman get all hot and bothered with each other, and in the end when the sun comes out to usher in a new beginning or who gives a shit. Essentially then, this sequel just exemplifies everything that was forgettable about its predecessor. It really is just a hundred and six more minutes of special effects sequences wrapped around the most bland characters looking miserable. Maybe it would help if they were not so "blue" all the time.
(2009)
Dir - Patrick Tatopoulos
Overall: MEH
As anyone can tell ya, the best way to milk a franchise is to dip into the prequel pool at some point, and the Underworld series does just that with their third installment Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Len Wiseman steps away from the director's chair here, not that you would notice since new guy Patric Tatopoulos maintains the exact same lifeless tone and one-note visual ugliness as his predecessor. Complaining about these movies being exclusively blue-filtered is like complaining about Mexican food being Mexican, but they really do create a hopelessly unengaging aesthetic that never helps such a Ravenloft-esque story go anywhere interesting or fun. Several of the actors reprise their roles here, (sans Kate Beckinsale who took the night off, good for her), and they mug and pontificate just as much as ever in the period setting which explores how the werewolf folk rose up against their blood-sucking oppressors. The CGI still sucks, but the monster suits come off acceptable and the overall scale is impressive, even if you cannot decipher much of it with such dark, unappealing, and dizzying cinematography. On that note, it is difficult also difficult to grasp what any fans of this franchise enjoy about it, but unless it is the fast cars and Matrix outfits, it is all still here centuries earlier in all of its miserable mayhem glory.
(2012)
Dir - Måns Mårlind/Björn Stein
Overall: MEH
A direct sequel to 2006's abysmal Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Awakening brings things back to not only modern day but actually over a decade in the future where both werewolves and vampires have been discovered by normies, and secret government agencies and scientists are trying to harness their powers because they gotta do something. This one was plagued by countless drafts of an inadequate script, as the production went underway while various kinks were still being worked out, including the creature design and even the film's ending. We are mostly done with pontificating immortals mugging at the camera and taking themselves too seriously, instead bringing Kate Beckinsale back to kill a lot of people in skyscrapers, all in her quest to find her old lycan fling who she had no chemistry with and oh yeah, she has a daughter now. Comparatively, this one leans into its B-grade schlock more deliberately, with a higher emphasis on gore and physics-defying action sequences, though the franchise was always one to put battles, chases, and one-on-one duels over anything else. It still looks awful, (all digital blue filters and embarrassingly unconvincing CGI effects), but Beckinsale ALMOST comes off like she is ALMOST enjoying herself in her Catwoman costume, flipping around and slicing and dicing up fellow monsters and humans alike. It would be nice if she got to do this in something that was not so sterile and boring, but eh, what can ya do?
(2016)
Dir - Anna Foerster
Overall: MEH
The Underworld series, (to date), mercifully wraps up with Underworld: Blood Wars, another interchangeably dull installment with no distinguishing elements whatsoever. This was the debut from television director Anna Foerster, but putting a woman behind the lens for the first time and teaming her up with new screenwriters Kyle Ward and Cory Goodman makes not an ounce of difference. The lycan/vampire war still rages, there is still no humor, not one actor has an ounce of charisma on screen, (save maybe Charles Dance for his few brief moments), the CGI effects are still appalling, and it is still a colorless and lifeless bore from front to back. Kate Beckinsale gets to wear a white fur coat for a few seconds, but that is about it. There have been many monster mash yarns over the years that drop the ball by various means, but none of them have gone on this long with such persistently anti-fun results. By taking themselves so seriously, rushing through hackneyed and insipid exposition, and bombarding the screen with monochrome "spectacle", one is annoyed, disinterested, and exhausted before the obligatory opening narration even wraps up. It has been almost a decade now since things were better left alone, so let us hope that there are no future filmmakers with any Underworld nostalgia out there who will resurrect such drivel.
No comments:
Post a Comment