(2000)
Dir - Mike Mendez
Overall: WOOF
An unwatchably obnoxious Night of the Demons knock-off, The Convent is the type of jacked-up horror comedy that goes so hard in slamming home a barrage of cliches that it forgets to make any of them anything but torturous. For far too long now, anything in the slasher vein has to set up its unlikable characters so that we can cheer for their bloody demise, but director Mike Mendez and screenwriter Chaton Anderson take these wretched dipshits to a level that is unforgivable. Horny frat bros, a bimbo in a cheerleader costume, a Goth chick, said Goth chick's ex-best friend who is now trying to fit in with the cool kids, a white drug dealer who talks like he is not white, a dork getting hazed, prissy Satanists, a slut Satanist, Bill Moseley and (mostly) Coolie randomly chewing the scenery as cops; everyone on screen is both a lazy stereotype and the worst human being you can imagine. Adrienne Barbeau eventually collects an easy paycheck about fifty minutes in and is the only person on screen with any semblance of likeability, but the film has more problems than just how stupid, cheap, hackneyed, and annoying it is. Namely, it breaks the one rule of comedy, meaning that it is light years away from being funny, yet it tries way, way too hard with a grating sense of reckless abandon.
(2006)
Dir - Sean S. Cunningham/Joe Dante/Monte Hellman/Ken Russell/John Gaeta
Overall: MEH
Similarly in line with Mick Garris' Masters of Horror series from Showtime, Trapped Ashes brings together a handful of directors, (some renowned, some not), into an anthology setting with cheap, sleazy, though occasionally fetching results. The first full-length from screenwriter Dennis Bartok, he throws in an endless stream of familiar genre and cinephile references, and even offers up an alternative reality story about Stanley Kubrick pawning off a succubus vampire witch on his best friend. Joe Dante doing the wrap-around segment, (and throwing in Henry Gibson as the Crypt Keeper stand-in, plus a non-speaking cameo from Dick Miller because of course), should be enough to get the attention of horror fans, but Ken Russell helming "The Girl with Golden Breasts" about blood-sucking fake tits and appearing as a transvestite doctor in it himself will be what most viewer's will remember/scratch their heads at. Sean S. Cunningham's Japanese-set "Jibaku" is passable, Monte Hellman's "Stanley's Girlfriend" gives John Saxon a solid chance to stretch his chops, and special effects man John Gaeta gets his first crack behind the lens on the oddball ""My Twin, the Worm". The overall production is B-grade at best, the special effects are caca, nudity is shoehorned into each entry, and they all vary in tone, but some of it is goofy enough to enjoy.
(2009)
Dir - Eben McGarr
Overall: WOOF
It is always unfortunate to shit on a movie like Eben McGarr's House of the Wolf Man, something that was clearly made with love and took every available technical and budgetary care to deliver a proper homage for its nostalgia-craved target audience. As should be obvious, this is a Universal monster-mash throwback that was shot in black and white and in full-frame, with accurate cinematography, music, and production values that at least give individual frames the proper old timey allusion. Not every aspect is accurately conveyed to go full 1940s Hollywood B-picture though. For one, the pacing is way off, with slowly delivered dialog that does not in any way recall the rapid-fire delivery system of cranked-out studio movies from the bygone era. It takes over an hour for any monsters to show up, (another major strike), and the title Wolf Man and Frankenstein creature are more ferocious and gnarly than Universal ever allowed, which is fine except that it misses the mark on the retro execution. By far the biggest issue besides the labored plot is the insufferable performances. Everyone on screen awkwardly embarrasses themselves, no more than Lon Chaney's great-grandson Ron Chaney in the lead, who may be the worst actor that ever lived. The whole affair is a damn shame since the things that it gets OK are dwarfed by its blunders.
No comments:
Post a Comment