80's Italian Horror Part Eleven - (Ruggero Deodato Edition)

THE HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK

(1980)

Overall: WOOF

 

For his follow-up to the infamous Cannibal Holocaust, director Ruggero Deodato chose a quasi-remake of Wes Craven's also infamous The Last House on the Left, even going as far as to hire David Hess as another deplorable, murderous scumbag.  Shot in Rome with exteriors done in New York, The House on the Edge of the Park, (La casa sperduta nel parco), is one long, boring, and uncomfortable home invasion scenario with an aggravatingly nonsensical twist ending that is almost half as insulting as the chicken lady from Craven's deplorable debut.  Which is saying a lot.  As a precursor to torture porn, this one is not as cartoonishly unpleasant as others that would continue to push unwholesomeness boundaries, but it is still an ugly and frustrating viewing experience, perhaps more for its asinine script than anything else.  Six people get held up in their own house without the use of firearms or restraints by Hess and his dim-witted cronie, and the dice roll that the victims take in playing out such a charade where anyone can get killed on top of mutilated and raped would all be laughably stupid if not for how monotonous the whole thing is.

 

CUT AND RUN

(1985)

Overall: MEH

 

A typically nasty Euro-jungle bit of exploitation that was allegedly to be directed by Wes Craven before the more natural choice of Ruggero Deodato took over, Cut and Run, (Inferno in diretta, Straight to Hell), is notable for its recognizable cast as well as for being simultaneously filmed in two specific versions.  One of these was "softer" for the more strict censors in the UK, while the other upped the gore factor to the standards of the day.  It is still a sluggish, icky affair in either capacity with a repetitive plot involving a news reporter who is out to uncover a war between the South American drug cartel and a Col. Kurtz-styled cult leader with an army of cannibalistic natives at his disposal.  There is also a side plot of a television executive's missing son caught up in the hoopla, a son who wears a Mickey Mouse shirt throughout the whole thing even though he is a full-grown adult.  None of the violent set pieces are memorable and there are less of them than one would expect, but the performances are surprisingly committed with Lisa Blount, Richard Lynch, Eriq La Salle, Karen Black, and a particularly jacked and greasy Michael Berryman all giving it a solid, professional go.

BODY COUNT

(1986)

Overall: MEH

 

An Italian production shot on location in the country's Southern Abruzzo region, Body Count, (Camping del terrore, Shamen), nevertheless manages to have all of the derivative hallmarks of American slasher movies.  The cast is almost exclusively from the US, (a brief appearance by Ivan Rassimov being the most notable exception), the camp ground setting looks and feels like any from the Pacific Northwest, and most of all, the story is a by-numbers snore-fest that involves a masked maniac picking off horny people fifteen years after a tragedy, with some vague, ultimately unnecessary nonsense about an ancient Indian burial ground thrown in as well.  Director Ruggero Deodato took over the production from co-screenwriter Alessandro Capone and the shooting was allegedly plagued by rotten weather, both factors which may contribute at least in some part to the lousy results.  Even though every single character is different levels of obnoxious, several are played by notable genre actors such as Charles Napier, David Hess, John Steiner, and Mimsy Farmer.  Also, most of them die so that is something.  While others in the loathsome sub-genre were far more insulting to the viewer with Neanderthal-brained and completely predictable plotting, this one still has all of that in spades, but it is also just too lazy to be offended by.

 

PHANTOM OF DEATH

(1988)

Overall: MEH

 

Boasting three strong, name leads and directed with some romantic flair by Ruggero Deodato, Phantom of Death, (Un delitto poco comune, An Uncommon Crime, Off Balance - Der Tod wartest in Venedig, Off Balance), also has a flimsy plot that makes it more comically absurd than probably intended.  Both Michael York and Donald Pleasence deliver wonderfully showy performances, the former as a deranged pianist who suffers a bizarre disease that ages him rapidly over the course of a few months and the latter as the increasingly frustrated police detective that keeps getting hilariously duped right under his nose.  It is not a conventional giallo in the fact that the killer reveal comes early, (meaning that there is an absence of dark-gloved murders and red herrings), but there are plenty of logic-defying details to make it a hoot.  The length at which the plot goes to depict Pleasence as the least competent law enforcement official on earth is hardly his character's fault, as the murder openly taunts him while standing mere yards away, kills people in broad daylight and surrounded by witnesses, and can easily be linked to any number of them if only the script remembered to set the story in the actual real world where even the most standard of law practices are followed-up on.  Some of the kill scenes are wacky enough in their improbability and an added be it comparatively minor appearance by giallo scream queen Edwige Fenech is always appreciated, but this is still silly stuff despite its faux-sophisticated presentation.

80's Italian Horror Part Ten - (Bruno Mattei Edition)

HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD

(1980)

Overall: MEH

Though it has often been delegated to being a mere Dawn of the Dead knock-off, Bruno Mattei's Hell of the Living Dead, (Virus - l'inferno dei morti viventi, Virus, Night of the Zombies, Zombie Creeping Flesh), is wacky and terrible in various other ways.  Developed by producers with the intent to further cash-in on the profitable, gore-ridden zombie boom, director Mattei was allegedly given two different scripts with his lesser choice from Claudio Fragasso and Rossella Drudi being the one that was ultimately green-lit.  Once production began, of course the budget was insufficient which meant that the cast and crew had to improvise their way through the shooting in Spain, forcing Mattei to hilariously shoe-horn in various stock footage from the New Guinea, Island of Cannibals documentary.  Speaking of stock, the score by Goblin was merely cobbled together from the band's earlier work as the production could not afford a fresh soundtrack, yet because the Italian prog band was always reliable in this department, the music is still on point.  As far as the gore is concerned, it delivers with a series of disgusting gags ranging from the cannibalistic tribe sequences to rats pouring out of open wounds and Margit Evelyn Newton getting her eyeballs popped out through fists in her mouth.  The dialog is horrendous, the performances are comically over-the-top, the plot is moronic, the makeup is lousy, but all of this makes it a Euro-trash enthusiast's dream.

 

THE OTHER HELL

(1981)

Dir - Bruno Mattei/Claudio Fragasso

Overall: MEH

Made in conjunction with The True Story of the Nun of Monza, The Other Hell, (L'altro inferno), is the more explicitly horror-pandering of the Bruno Mattei's two largely unremarkable nunsploitation movies.  Mattei split directorial duties with Claudio Fragasso, each shooting scenes upstairs for one film while the other half did so downstairs on the other, in effect delivering two products for the price of one and both within a five week period.  When he was focusing on just a sole property at a time, both Mattei and Fragasso's work was still forgettable at worst and laugh out loud absurd at best.  Sadly, the latter cannot be said for what lousy and boring stuff is presented here.  The convoluted script involves Franca Stoppi chewing so much scenery that it is logical to assume that she got a substantial tummy-ache in the process.  There is also some nonsense about Satan impregnating her and the joys of sin or whatever, characters stand around and talk a lot, the Goblin soundtrack is somewhat memorable of course, people die, actors open their eyes really wide, one of them delivers the patented, Fragasso slow moan, (see Troll 2's "Oh my god!"), a baby gets thrown into a pot of boiling water in a kitchen, the credits roll, nobody cares.

 

RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR

(1986)

Overall: MEH

 

The largely plot-less and comatose-inducing Rats: Night of Terror, (Rats - Notte di terrore), is yet another unremarkable collaboration between director Bruno Mattei and screenwriter Claudio Fragasso to emerge in the 1980s.  Akin to a Night of the Living Dead accept with rodents, it has a group of either unlikable or uninteresting characters who spend most of the time arguing with each other or screaming at the twenty or so-odd rats that keep interrupting their slumber.  The post-apocalyptic angle gives it an edge over being a mere contemporary-set bit of nature horror, but despite providing everyone on screen with an excuse to hold-up in an abandoned town overnight, the fact that the story takes place two centuries after a nuclear fallout is rendered inconsequential.  Geretta Geretta shows up with an absurd amount of hair and is one of the few to make it until the end, but she is given little to do besides act scared and point a firearm once or twice.  She is also the only not-white actor on screen and is christened the not at all racist name of Chocolate because 1986 was a different time.  Despite the pathetic production values and laughable threat that the minimal amount of rats on screen convey, the recycled Once Upon a Time in America sets are well-used, the chest-bursting gore is a hoot, and the twist ending is effectively ridiculous.

 

ROBOWAR

(1988)

Overall: WOOF

Another moronic knock-off collaboration between director Bruno Mattei, screenwriters Claudio Fragasso and Rosella Drudi, and actor Reb "Big McLargehuge" Brown, Robowar, (Robot da guerra), answers the question that only Italians would have the answer to, namely "What would Predator be like if it was made for fifty bucks and also sucked?".  The story borrows as liberally from John McTiernan's masterpiece as possible without resulting in a lawsuit, recycling exact set pieces and the same premise of mercenaries venturing into the jungle who are not told the complete details of their mission, only to come face to face with a killing machine that watches them through a filtered camera effect.  Said killing machine is a wacky-talking robot instead of a dreadlocked alien, but any other variations to Predator begins and ends there.  The dialog is almost exclusively made up of profanity-ridden macho cliches, the tough guy commando squad opens fire with reckless abandon at the slightest gust of wind, plus Brown busts out his patented, pathetic yelp which just makes him being the Arnold Schwarzenegger leader of the group that much more embarrassingly unconvincing.  Still, the music is legitimately awesome and Brown yelling will never not be really, really hilarious.

 

SHOCKING DARK

(1989)

Overall: MEH

 

The Euro-trash dream team of director Bruno Mattei and screenwriter Claudio Fragasso knock-out another rip-off with Shocking Dark, (Terminator II, Terminator 2, Aliens 2, Alienators, Contaminator); a movie that is hysterical in its blatant plagiarism, D-rent production values, eyeball-rolling dialog, aggressive over-acting, and equally aggressive wooden acting.  As was the case in Mattei and Fragasso's "best" terrible work, any enjoyment to be found is of an accidental nature, but to be fare, the movie does have a craptacular charm to it.  Some of the slight story variations from James Cameron's Aliens plus a little bit of Terminator in the final act is ultimately unique if still absurd, plus Mattei actually manages to utilize his factory setting well enough under the circumstances, with copious amounts of steam, primitive effects work, and even some atmospheric lighting to break up the otherwise stagnant presentation.  Still, this is a clear-cut, minimal effort cash grab as only Italy could produce,  In this respect, it cannot help but to be compared to its A-list, major budgeted Hollywood predecessors that were made by people who actually gave a fuck and ergo did not turn out to be embarrassing trainwrecks that only deserve the scorn and laughter of any audience member.

80's Italian Horror Part Nine

PATRICK STILL LIVES

(1980)
Dir - Mario Landi
Overall: WOOF

Shot at the same spacious mansion where the following year's ridiculous Burial Ground was made, (also produced by Gabriele Crisanti), Patrick Still Lives, (Patrick vive ancora, Patrick Is Still Alive), is an unofficial and noticeably sleazier sequel to Richard Franklin's 1978 film Patrick.  Stylized as a slasher movie and just as boring, it concerns a different gentleman named Patrick who quickly gets put into a coma during the opening scene, only to be held up in a health clinic so that he can get his revenge on whoever threw a beer bottle at him.  This "justifies" him to utilize his telekinetic powers in order to murder a bunch of mostly drunk assholes who take their clothes off and argue with each other while walking around slowly and being idiots.  The most notable of these death scenes is the infamous one where Crisanti's real life ladyfriend Mariangela Giordano stands perfectly still, screams "No!", conveniently spreads her legs, and has an iron poker inserted into her vagina and out her mouth, all at a snail's pace of course.  Also dogs bark, J&B bottles get chugged, a nurse fondles herself, a woman gets decapitated by a car window, a guy boils alive in a swimming pool, and best of all, it eventually ends.

GREAT WHITE

(1981)

Dir - Enzo G. Castellari

Overall: WOOF

 

A D-rent Jaws knock-off amongst oh so many, Great White, (The Last Shark, L'ultimo squalo), is dull and derivative, yet it gained some notoriety upon its release and features a fair amount of scenery-chewing from Vic Morrow.  After failing to have it blocked from release altogether, Universal Pictures were eventually successful in getting the movie pulled from US theaters a month later as the similarities to Steven Spielberg's very popular big shark blockbuster are readily apparent.  As the title would suggest, an over-sized great white starts attacking people in a seaside community, only for the major to underplay the issue and get even more people chomped up due to his negligence.  Colorful characters, suspense-laden set pieces, solid animatronic effects, and memorable music this version is exclusively lacking in, yet Morrow takes on an inconsistent Scottish-kind-of accent and makes a few impassioned speeches to at least liven things up.  The monster shark is large enough to be imposing, but it mostly just pops up out of the water with its mouth wide open, (at least when stock footage is not utilized), since the meager production hardly had enough money to give it any sort of convincing articulation.

 

CATACOMBS

(1988)

Dir - David Schmoeller

Overall: MEH

 

One of the last films completed by Charles Band's Empire Pictures before the company was seized due to financial issues, Catacombs, (Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice), was haphazardly lumped into the Curse franchise five years after it was initially released.  Baring zero relation to said movies, it is instead derivative of others from the haunted monastery variety with some demonic possession thrown in for good manner.  A rare Italian production from writer/director David Schmoeller who had and would continue to work primarily in the horror genre, it has some solid location scenery and a gripping enough prologue where a long-haired, creepy looking possessed monk is locked into a secret room, plus one eerie sequence where it is worth paying attention to the life-sized crucifix in the background.  Other than that though, this is a cumbersome viewing experience with almost the entirely of the first two acts having no supernatural sequences whatsoever and instead focusing on our main group of barely interesting characters.  The ending is weak as well, with the resurrected demon monk finally showing back up and apparently meeting his downfall due to a simple combination of having a flashback and our hero noticing a holy relic that is sitting in plain view of both of them.

80's Italian Horror Part Eight

OMBRE

(1980)

Dir - Giorgio Cavedon

Overall: MEH

 

One of only two full-length movies from Giorgio Cavedon and the only one that he directed solo, (though there are some sources that list Mario Caiano as an unofficial co-director as well), Ombre, (Shadows), is a maddening, pretentious art film that collapses under its ponderous pace.  The story bounces between two mopey protagonists, (Monica Guerritore and Lou Castel respectfully), one who is haunted by memories of her father and images of her grandfather and the other that miserably walks around spouting nihilistic nonsense to himself.  We focus more on the later person for the second half and unfortunately he remains just as loathsome, dealing with an obsession which is never explained that leads him to neglect his wife/girlfriend/some lady and their oncoming child.  Dream sequences that are bathed in more soft focus haze than should be legally allowed keep interrupting things and it is all edited to the point of incomprehensibility, spinning in monotonous circles without ever going anywhere.  Painfully slow, there is too little to latch onto in trying to decipher whatever secrets may be buried in the mix.

 

BLOOD DELIRIUM

(1988)

Dir - Sergio Bergonzelli

Overall: WOOF

The penultimate film to be directed by Sergio Bergonzelli, Blood Delirium, (Delirio di sangue, Delirium of Blood), contains a hilariously over-the-top performance from John Phillip Law yet has little else going for it.  Recognizable character actor Gordon Mitchell joins him in a typical thuggish role as a butter who, (because Italian movies), of course tries to rape a woman in one completely random scene.  Elsewhere, Bergonzelli's nonsensical story recycles the lazy trope of the same actor playing two different characters who look exactly alike, but he did not even have the common sense to make them identical sisters or ancestors.  Not that it matters though since things play out in a ludicrous fashion with no rhyme or reason attached to any of it and it may as well just be a collection of scenery-chewing set pieces for Law to rant and rave like an utter buffoon about missing his lost love and not being able to be inspired to paint anymore or whatever.  The same piece of music is used ad nauseum and often times not even for proper mood setting; instead just at a lower volume underneath expository dialog.  There is also a toy skeleton, a few other characters that you will not even bother to notice the names of, a little bit of nudity, and an ending that is amazingly both bombastic and lackluster.

 

AFTER DEATH

(1989)

Dir - Claudio Fragasso

Overall: MEH

Shot concurrently in the Philippines along with Lucio Fulci and Bruno Mattei's Zombi 3, Claudio Fragasso made After Death, (Oltre la Morte, Zombie 4, Zombie Flesh Eaters 3), on the ultra-cheap, filming during the aforementioned other movie's off-hours for a fraction of the budget.  Despite lots of fog and spectral, wailing noises on the soundtrack, plus a fetching, ridiculous, and culturally insensitive voodoo opening that sets the violent, icky tone, the film is redundant and lifeless, (no pun intended).  Unlikable, barely-written characters arrive on a remote jungle island and continually encounter flesh-eating zombies, and there is virtually nothing else left to the story.  As bare-bones as can be then, this leaves Fragasso nowhere to go but to quickly settle into a monotonous flow that the pacing suffers for.  Clearly done as a quick, exploitative cash-grab that arrived after boatloads of other identical Italian gore movies with the exact same premise, Fragasso and his screenwriter wife Rossella Drudi at least deserve some credit for squeezing yet another ninety-minute romp out of such over-used material.  The makeup is crude, the atmosphere is fittingly hellish, the gore is aplenty, the zombies are slow, and it delivers on its unoriginal promise for those who cannot get enough of such silly business.

80's Italian Horror Part Seven

ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST

(1980)

Dir - Marino Girolami

Overall: WOOF

Exploitation filmmaker Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust, (Zombi Holocaust, Doctor Butcher M.D., Island of the Last Zombies, Queen of the Cannibals, Zombie 3), is as comatose-inducing as cannibal/mad scientist/zombie movies ever get and ergo an insultingly wretched piece of celluloid.  Euro-cannibal sleaze is inherently awful in its one-note nastiness and while this example features the prerequisite amount of primitive natives running around without clothes on who capture and immediately stick their fingers into anyone that they can catch for a nice, tasty meal, it adds insult to injury with a completely dormant sense of pacing to go along with its grossness.  Every scene is maximized for the least possible engagement as if Girolami was hellbent on utilizing each piece of footage that was shot.  Whether it is characters standing around watching a surgery, standing in other rooms talking, standing in huts talking, walking around the jungle, running around the jungle, being slowly, (slooooowwwllly), led to a sacrificial alter, being left on an operating table to slowly, (slooooowwwllly), cut themselves free with a scalpel, it is all so unwaveringly lifeless that when the ridiculous gore does rear its ugly head, you will probably miss it on account of having long fallen asleep.

WILD BEASTS

(1984)

Dir - Franco E. Prosperi

Overall: MEH

 

Another in a steady tradition of low-budget exploitation movies to put its actors in as much physical danger as could legally be allowed, Wild Beasts, (Wild beasts - Belve feroci), is the final directorial effort from Franco E. Prosperi who appropriately and primarily worked in the mondo documentary genre before this.  As the title would logically advertise, it features a handful of animals, these ones escaping from the Frankfurt zoo after ingesting PCP in their water supply and then going berserk on anyone that is unlucky enough to cross their path.  Long before the days of CGI and presumably made without strictly adhering to the "no animals were harmed in the making of this movie" proclamation, it is a jarring watch that opens with a decapitated horse head and ends with a bunch of children who have also ingested the contaminated water and are now up to typical unwholesome "kids in horror movies" shenanigans.  In between all of that, rats attack and get set on fire, tigers get let loose on the streets as well as on, (hopefully), stunt performers, actors get up close and personal with bears, and elephants stomp on people.  While it actually possess a narrative, maintains a sincere tone, and does not seem to have caused lifelong traumatic physical injuries to its cast unlike Noel Marshall's crime against humanity Roar from three years prior, it is still a repetitive, poorly shot, and unpleasant experience.

GHOSTHOUSE

(1988)

Dir - Umberto Lenzi

Overall: MEH

Whereas foreign producers had attached the "La Casa" title onto Sam Raimi's first two Evil Dead films for non-American markets, Ghosthouse, (La casa 3 - Ghosthouse), was the first actual Italian movie to get the moniker, even though it was an Italian movie shot in Massachusetts.  Written and directed by Umberto Lenzi as a typical, (and most of all, nonsensical), haunted house yarn, it has many of the hallmarks of low-budget Euro-horror from the 1970s and 80s.  This includes a memorable and persistent score that leans heavy on a genuinely disturbing, gibberish nursery rhyme ditty, laughably incompetent performances, bizarre set pieces, and a story line that makes absolutely zero attempts at having logical footing.  Though the middle act drags, things start off strong where a creepy kid and her creepy clown doll inexplicably, (maybe?), manifest some kind of slasher demon that murders her father, turns light bulbs into pulsating balloons, and shatters a mirror that sends shards of glass into her mother's eyeballs.  This is only a teasing though as boatloads more head-scratching moments occur, particularly during the finale which throws coherency right out the window as if it was on fire.  Characters make asinine decisions, inexplicably turn up at different locations that the editing never bothers to explain, and come to conclusions that they would only arrive at because they read the script.  So yes; wacky, hilariously stupid nonsense in the most Italian of ways.

80's Italian Horror Part Six

IL MEDIUM
(1980)
Dir - Silvio Amadio
Overall: MEH

A formulaic haunted house mystery and the penultimate work from filmmaker Silvio Amadio, Il medium, (The Medium), packs in some spooky atmosphere and set pieces despite its repetitive plotting and typical, low-budget pacing issues.  Co-written by Claudio Fragasso and a far less ridiculous endeavor than his more infamous directorial efforts, the story was apparently inspired by Amadio's real life fascination with the occult and it features the standard motifs of supernatural occurrences happening to characters who no one believes after the fact, a bratty little kid, arbitrary ghost activity, a paranormal expert, a psychic medium, (as the title would suggest), and not one but two seances.  Said sequences are done effectively with otherworldly ambiance and disembodied voices providing the soundtrack as cinematographer Maurizio Salvatore shoots everything in barely-visible candlelight.  Unfortunately though, the majority of the movie is a bore with uninteresting characters and an overly talky screenplay that endlessly slows things down.  Ergo, it is merely passable in fits and starts and blows its potential to be an ultra moody bit of creepiness.

 

MURDER OBSESSION

(1981)
Dir - Riccardo Freda
Overall: MEH

 

For his final film Murder Obsession, (Follia omicida, Fear, The Wailing), Riccardo Freda came out of retirement after a nine year break allegedly as a means to generate finances and interest in a World War I project that never came to fruition.  It is easy to see why, as the resulting movie is an unmitigated disaster and one that several of the personnel involved have rightfully disowned.  Based on a short story from Fabio Piccioni that was also turned into an adult comic book, the rights were sold years earlier to Dario Argento, who utilized elements from it for both The Bird with the Crystal Plumage and Deep Red.  The movie gets off to a rocky start, establishing a far-fetched premise where a working actor allegedly murdered his father when he was a kid and presently exhibits uncontrollable bouts of rage as well as an overall douchebagy persona.  Also baffling is that his mother, girlfriend, and a fellow co-star are all different levels of enamored with him as Stefano Patrizi portrays such a lousy character with a complete lack of charisma.  Cristiano Pogany's cinematography is halfway moody and some of the violence is unintentionally funny, but it is a meandering mess, edited to the point of incomprehensibility and miserably dull in the process.

 

ALIEN TERMINATOR

(1988)

Dir - Nello Rossati

Overall: MEH

 

Another Euro-export with at least one misleading title, Alien Terminator, (Top Line), is a quasi Romancing the Stone/jungle adventure hybrid with an extraterrestrial angle haphazardly thrown in as well.  Director/co-writer Nello Rossati, (here credited under the Americanized pseudonym of Ted Archer), and actor Franco Nero had recently collaborated the previous year on the official Django sequel Djanto Strikes Again, but this is a more meandering genre mash-up that fails to land anywhere.  Nero looks particularly rugged as a down-on-his-luck, alcoholic writer and his harsh, Italian accented, English delivery makes some of the busier dialog difficult to follow.  Speaking of Italian accents, George Kennedy is jarringly dubbed by a non-American actor, but he only has a few scenes and gets killed off early on anyway.  Even though Nero locates an underground UFO in the first act, you would only know it by the colossal amount of time that the characters spend talking about it as he runs around trying not to get murdered for over an hour.  No actual aliens noticeably show up until the last twenty minutes, but once they do, the movie finally becomes a campy hoot.  It is too little, too late to makeup for the sluggish crawl to get there though.

80s Italian Horror Part Five

NIGHTMARE CITY

(1980)

Dir - Umberto Lenzi

Overall: MEH

The 1980s were ripe with zombie films and Italy alone produced a fare share of them, with Umberto Lenzi's Nightmare City, (Incubo sulla città contaminata, City of the Walking Dead), being one of the first to get the decade's ball rolling.  No more or less nonsensical and ridiculous than any of the other ones, it at least tweaks the zombies themselves who are not reanimated corpses but mutated humans that have to feast on human blood in order to maintain their radiation-ravaged form.  The rate at which they take over the populous is absurdly quick, with a plane full of them easily overpowering a barrage of armed military personnel, at which point they render both the city and countryside barren in a manner of hours.  Pure nonsense that is "enhanced" by horrendous makeup effects that look as if they were applied within thirty seconds per actor and cost about seventy-five cents to produce.  The movie has a number of fun set pieces, including the aforementioned showdown in an open airfield, a news studio segue where an unplugged TV set immediately turns into a grenade when thrown at flesh-munchers, and a finale on top of a roller coaster which results in a gloriously unconvincing prop dummy falling to its death.  Unfortunately though, the film is also full of charisma-less characters and predominantly bounces between various, monotonous subplots that merely get in the way of the unintentionally funny moments.

 

WITCHERY

(1988)

Dir - Fabrizio Laurenti

Overall: MEH

After Ghosthouse garnished acceptable box office returns in the beginning of the year, producer Joe D'Amato set up another entry in Italy's unrelated "La Casa" series with Witchery, (La Casa 4 - Witchcraft, Haxenbrut, Evil Encounters).  Once again filmed in Massachusetts with a mostly American cast, this one scored David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair, the latter who even gets possessed again.  Typecasting is real yo.  Sadly though, the results are not as ridiculous as Euro-horror enthusiasts would hope, even if it has a gruesome death sequence here or there.  This could be due to director Fabrizio Laurenti's relative inexperience behind the lens as he had made but one short film before this, coming on board only after Umberto Lenzi, Claudio Lattanzi, and Luigi Cozzi all held various claims to the material and left the project for various reasons.  The pacing is not punctuated by enough silly supernatural set pieces and Gianlorenzo Battaglia's cinematography is bare bones at best.  Along with the noticeably minuscule production budget, it all makes for a cheap looking film which would otherwise enhance its schlocky charm if not for the fact that the story is largely uninteresting, the performances wooden, the dialog repetitive, and every other aspect merely a cut-and-paste re-hash of better, more wacky genre movies with witches, nudity, and busy keyboard scores.

ALIEN FROM THE DEEP

(1989)

Dir - Antonio Margheriti

Overall: MEH

 

A typical action/horror/sci-fi knock-off of the Italian variety, Alien from the Deep, (Alien degli abissi, Aliens del abismo, Alien of the Abyss), has a sluggish start yet delivers some acceptable, B-level schlock in its second half.  Falsely marketed as an hybrid of James Cameron's Aliens and The Abyss respectfully, it is in fact an environmental jungle movie with the gigantic, extraterrestrial creature of the title only showing off its giant, crab-like claw at over an hour into the running time.  We are eventually treated to its full, animatronic form in the very last explody set piece which sees Daniel Bosch hopping in a yellow forklift to push said creature into a lava pit, but this is as close to the Ripley/Queen Xenomorph showdown in Aliens as we get.  Charles Napier shows up to chew some scenery as a no-nonsense and villainous military commander, plus Marina Giulia Cavalli gets to be sweaty in her tank top and underwear on several occasions.  Director Antonio Margheriti had tackled virtually every genre at this point in low-budget fashion and he and cinematographer Fausto Maria Zuccoli make the most out of the tropical landscape and radioactive factory setting, hiding the film's inadequate production values in an impressive enough manner.

80's Italian Horror Part Four

ALIEN 2: ON EARTH

(1980)
Dir - Ciro Ippolito/Biagio Proietti
Overall: MEH

As the title would clearly advertise, Alien 2: On Earth, (Alien Terror, Alien 2 - Sulla Terra), is an Italian knock-off "sequel" to Ridley Scott's Alien and bares little to no resemblance to said work despite the fact that people die from an extraterrestrial monster attacking them.  Written, directed, and produced by Ciro Ippolito, (with Biagio Proietti also being behind the lens in an unofficial capacity), it is typically lame-brained and sluggishly paced, but it is also unintentionally humorous at parts and plenty gory.  The first two acts are plodding enough to cause most viewers to give up before it gets to the really ridiculous stuff, focusing on a group of badly-dubbed spelunkers who eventually come across an alien life form that rips them apart in outlandish detail.  From then on it gets more absurd with the violent, gooey body count, culminating in a logically-void scene in a bowling alley where the creature has miraculously managed to catch up with two of the would-be survivors who have traveled by car.  Think of it as the "bad movie night" variation of The Descent meets The Thing; cheap, stupid, mostly boring, yet worth laughing at, as it deserves.

 

SPECTERS

(1987)

Dir - Mercello Avallone

Overall: MEH

 

A rare work in unabashed Euro-horror from filmmaker Mercello Avallone, Specters, (Spettri), doubles as one of several Italian productions that Donald Pleasence provided some star power for in the last decade of his career.  While it is still stagnant in the plot department and pads its running time significantly with people talking in rooms, it is a better offering than is to be expected.  First off, the keyboard musical score by Lele Marchitelli and Danilo Rea succeeds in being subtlety creepy, generally humming away on ominous minor key notes and leaving room for many of the scenes to breathe without it.  There is a kitchen sink element to the film where visual gags and references to everything from seemingly desperate properties like Creature from the Black Lagoon, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Suspiria, the Indiana Jones series, and Quatermass and the Pit are haphazardly thrown together to cover an array of bases.  Also, Pleasence is always a nice addition even if he plays it straight and only shows up a in a handful of scenes, due to the fact that he was presumably only hired for a day or two.  The story is nowhere interesting enough to hold the viewer's attention and the pacing is still wretched, but it at least gets a few things right along the way.

 

THE WITCHES' SABBATH

(1988)

Dir - Marco Bellocchio

Overall: MEH

An imprecise, largely pretentious art film from Marcon Bellocchio and a rare entry in his body of work that quasi-explores supernatural elements, The Witches' Sabbath, (La visione del sabba, The Sabbath), is more of an erotic, hallucinatory mood piece than anything else.  An Italian/French co-production, it features one of the earliest lead roles for Béatrice Dalle who plays an evocative, unhinged woman that murders a hunter and during her psychiatric evaluation, ends up infatuating a young, promiscuous doctor.  She is also either a perpetual liar, a four-hundred year old witch, or both, depending on how reliable if at all the images are that we are presented with.  They are often haunting and beautiful images to be sure, (captured by Bellocchio's frequent collaborator Giuseppe Lanci), but the already paper thin plot gets abandoned midway through to make way for a series of time-traveling, waking dream sequences that go on for a considerable amount of time.  Some audience members may feel that the nebulous structure overstays its welcome after awhile, but the performances are commendable even if Daniel Ezralow smirks his way through almost the entirety of the proceedings.  A lustful, infidelity fable, a critique on religious persecution, an examination of mental illness, a chauvinistic comeuppance essay, or none of the above, it certainly leaves you guessing.

80s Foreign Horror Part Twenty-Four

THE SLEEP OF DEATH
(1980)
Dir - Calvin Floyd

Overall: WOOF

For his follow-up to the interesting and somber Terror of Frankenstein, Swedish-born filmmaker Calvin Floyd wrapped up his directorial career by adapted another literary work, this time being Sheridan Le Fanu's The Room in the Dragon Volant, here titled The Sleep of Death, (The Inn of the Flying Dragon, Ondskans Värdshus).  Unfortunately, it is a lackluster affair with wretchedly dormant pacing that renders it largely incomprehensible.  This is odd in that the central story has the ghoulish-on-paper element of a narcotic that puts people in a death-like slumber, vampires are utilized as a red herring, and Patrick Magee turns in a typically showy performance that is subtle on the effeminate flamboyancy.  In other words, there should be enough here to maintain one's interest, but this is not the case with Floyd's persistently dull presentation making it far too easy to both emotionally and mentally check out of the proceedings.  As a period piece that is set at the end of the Napoleonic Wars, it has a lush production design that makes the most out of a modest budget, yet is is shot in a murky and pedestrian manner that further dulls down what is already a dull movie.

 

WOLF'S HOLE

(1986)

Dir - Věra Chytilová

Overall: MEH

 

Noted Czech New Wave filmmaker Věra Chytilová made her only quasi-horror movie with 1987's Wolf's Hole, (Vlčí bouda); a cinematic essay on paranoia and manipulation that can also be read as a critique of communist takeover, oppression, and control.  Such an assumption is not a stretch considering Chytilová's work was banned in her native Czechoslovakia during the 1960s for its deliberately challenging views against the country's socialist government.  Similar in some ways then to America's boom of alien invasion films from the Cold War era, the story here concerns extraterrestrials posing as humans who take a group of teenagers into the mountains on a skiing camp expedition in order to study their behavior for future conquest.  There are moments of chilling and oddball behavior on display as far as the calculating villains are concerned, plus the remote, snowbound locale is appropriate for the intended atmosphere of suspicious isolation where everyone grows more short-tempered with one another.  Still, the characterizations are uneven, with people at each other's throats one moment only to be laughing at their situation with no one taking it seriously the next.  This could be saying something about mankind's ability to cope with tyrannical maltreatment by finding a communal sense of humor in it all, but it is presented here in a manner that is more monotonous than compelling.

 

LAURIN

(1989)

Dir - Robert Sigl

Overall: MEH

The first and only theatrically released full-length from German television director Robert Sigl was the Hungarian co-production Laurin; a coming-of-age tale that is largely uneventful and frustrating in its narrative outcome.  That said, the movie is also visually lush and alludes to far more haunting things than what actually transpires.  Cinematographer Nyika Jancsó utilizes both natural candle light and primal, Mario Bava color schemes to showcase the anxiety-ridden fantasies of the young title character, (played by thirteen-year-old Dóra Szinetár), who hears wailing in the distance while catching visions of her dead mother.  The disturbing heart of the story concerns children who have gone missing in a rural port, with various adults spying on kids or exhibiting otherwise eccentric mannerisms as to provide some red herrings as to who is behind such unwholesomeness.  Such a reveal is more lackluster than properly suspenseful, even as the musical score by Hans Jansen and Jacques Zwart suggests otherwise.  "Suggestion" is the key word here as it plays more of a psychological game, showing things through the eyes of Szinetár's innocent protagonist who is forced to comprehend a grown-up world full of heartbreak and violence.  It meanders more than it thrills, but there is still some stylistic merit to the proceedings.

80's Foreign Horror Part Twenty-Three

STRANGLER VS. STRANGLER

(1984)

Dir - Slobodan Šijan

Overall: GOOD

 

A button-pushing exploitation film from its native Yugoslavia, Strangler vs. Strangler, (Davitelj protiv davitelja), doubles as both a satire of the slasher genre and a critique of Serbian social values.  Set in modern day Belgrade and narrated by the city's former Radio Studio B news anchor Ljerka Drazenovic, it tells the story of a forty-eight year old carnation salesman schlub who has a less-than agreeable relationship with his wacky mother; a schlub that also begins murdering any person who voices disinterest or disdain for the particular flower which is his stock and trade.  On top of this, an eccentric new wave musician writes a catchy ditty about the stranger that becomes a local hit and a police inspector with a silly mustache who talks to his cat also get obsessed with the case.  Most of the characters are comedically aloof in various regards, which makes Taško Načić's bizarre protagonist/antagonist sit right at home in a dingy, urban dwelling where his killing impulses put the city on the map as a real metropolis since now they have an infamous murderer in their midst.  The film is purposely ugly and gross at regular intervals, (lots of unattractive people, lots of eating, ears being bitten off, a police officer in drag which is played for risque tastelessness), but it is also oddly unique enough to recommend.

 

THE SHADOWED MIND

(1988)

Dir - Cedric Sundstrom

Overall: MEH

An explicit, insane asylum art film and the second full-length from Swedish/South African director Cedric Sundstrom, The Shadowed Mind is visually enticing yet drops the ball everywhere else.  Garnishing an NC-17 rating for excessive male and female nudity plus some nasty violence here and there, it concerns a bizarre, voluntary mental institution of sorts where an aloof doctor does very little to treat patients with various sexual disturbances.  To make matters even more head-scratching, said location is a dilapidated factory, sparsely occupied yet bathed in evocative color schemes right out of the most outlandish Italian giallos, not to mention hints of German Expressionism with extreme-angled shadows.  A cross between The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Mansions of Madness, and Suspiria then except with more unbiased, sweaty sex between genders, it is a shame that the narrative is frustratingly unfocused.  Towje Kleiner's doctor seems to be a scam artist in some respects as he convinces his subordinates to hide several of the patient's murdered bodies that keep piling up since he is expecting a visit from a wealthy investor, yet this plot point is left dangling in the wind.  The same goes for everyone else's side-arcs, leading to a brutal yet abrupt ending with no payoff to the surreal, risque set pieces that came before it.

SUKKUBUS

(1989)

Dir - Georg Tressler

Overall: GOOD

The last theatrically released film from director Georg Tressler, (who primarily worked in television during his five decades behind the lens, Sukkubus, (Sukkubus - den Teufel im Leib, Sukkubus - The Devil In the Body), is a singular piece of work that is based off of the Swiss fable of "The Guschg Herdsmen's Doll".  While nothing of otherworldly note happens until halfway through, the deliberate pacing not only creates the appropriate isolated atmosphere where three men are trekking cattle throughout the Swiss Alps, but it establishes their bizarre relationship that is void of affection, humor, or joy.  This makes a drunken evening where they let loose with pent-up sexual aggression and the toil of difficult daily survival not only inevitable, but tension-fueled as we witness the disturbed, frenzied, and ritualistic manifestation of the supernatural title character.  Tressler utilities odd musical choices, letting few scenes unfold without them as some cues are appropriately ominous and others are more lush in keeping with whimsical type fair tales, (which this assuredly is not).  Many set pieces are disturbingly brutal and not for the faint of heart though, but it is all unsettling as a curious, rural nightmare.

80's Foreign Horror Part Twenty-Two

THE SCARECROW

(1982)

Dir - Sam Pillsbury

Overall: MEH

 

A Kiwi Southern Gothic melodrama as well as filmmaker Sam Pillsbury's full-length debut, The Scarecrow, (Klynham Summer), is meandering and boring for the most part, though it has a redeemable performance by John Carradine in a mysteriously sinister role.  Set in the 1950s in rural New Zealand, it is an adaptation of Ronald Hugh Morrieson's novel of the same name.  The story mostly revolves around coming-of-age teenager dynamics that meld sluggishly with off-screen murders, until the point where it becomes tiring to keep up with every side plot.  Unremarkable characters are introduced one after the other, then disappear for long periods, then get reintroduced with other unfamiliar faces joining them and even with regular narration from the young protagonist, it is too easy to get lost in the mild stakes of it all.  Carradine has some impressive if narratively ill-defined moments early on though as a stranger who may or may not have a sinister agenda as he rolls into town performing magic tricks.  Well acted and well photographed, there is simply nothing to hold onto story-wise and it ends up being a rightful obscurity.

ALCHEMIK

(1988)

Dir - Jacek Koprowicz

Overall: GOOD

For his third full-length, Polish filmmaker Jacek Koprowicz ventures into the middle ages with Alchemik; a dark fantasy movie that is mostly grounded within the superstitions time period except for some prominent moments where the gloves fly off into the otherworldly.  The alchemist of the title is a conman who is both desperate and ambitious in unlocking the forbidden knowledge of transmuting common elements into gold as he is threatened and pursued by malicious princes.  It is episodic in structure and just shy of two-hours in length, so it occasionally spins its wheels along the way.  Thankfully though, Koprowicz' script is punctuated with instances that are bizarre and brutal like a gore-ridden, supernatural birth scene, a heart-racing Satanic ceremony, and a surprise ending that brings in even more uncanny components.  The central theme is a fundamental Christian one where man's pursuit of off-limits wisdom, (especially wisdom that would alleviate one's suffering and garnish them a level of wealth and prestige), seals their damnation, but the mystical forces at play seem more mysterious and ancient than what is represented in mere Catholic dogma.

MURDER STORY

(1989)

Dir - Eddie Arno/Markus Innocenti

Overall: MEH

Music video director duo Eddie Arno and Markus Innocenti made their first full-length debut Murder Story in the Netherlands, with none other than Christopher Lee appearing as a crime fiction novelist who teams up with Alexis Denisof's young, aspiring writer to solve a string of suspicious, local deaths.  The first two acts when Lee is regularly present are more interesting, not just because the actor commands the screen even in a normal, unassuming role such as this, (i.e. not a villain or supernatural expert), but also because Arno and Innocenti's script is peppered with clever and comedic quips.  The silly, homosexual panic that Denisof's mother briefly undergoes may be dated and unnecessary, but nothing here is played for sleazy laughs or exploitation value.  In fact the film has a mild tone overall even with a quick detour to the red light district of Amsterdam, with Denisof and his love interest Stacy Burton making a cute, cookie-cutter couple and the violence being tame by late 1980s standards.  Though the plot loses its footing in the final act with details that are both convoluted and uninteresting, the rest of the proceedings are adequate enough to get by.

80's Foreign Horror Part Twenty-One

NIGHT OF DEATH

(1980)
Dir - Raphaël Delpard
Overall: GOOD

Though it can afford to shave off about twenty minutes to streamline the pacing, filmmaker Raphaël Delpard's first of two horror movies Night of Death, (La nuit de la mort!), is a uniquely sinister bit of black comedy strangeness.  On paper, the premise of a sweet, unassuming nurse who arrives at a home for the elderly that is full of eccentrics may not be entirely singular in the annals of genre cinema, but Delpard balances a bizarre tone that keeps even the frequent number of slow moments brooding in suspense.  Extreme violence and some nakedness show up at unexpected intervals, firmly fitting this into the exploitation realm without bringing profound attention to it. Instead, the movie plays on the inherently creepy aspects of pale-faced old people who unwholesomely stare and walk slowly in groups while a wonderfully off-setting violin score ominously plays in the background.  Whatever is actually going on in this home for the elderly is never convincingly explained, but even the sloppy ending is fitting where such a ridiculous nightmare is taking place for our innocently doomed heroine to escape. It keeps its tongue in cheek without becoming too silly to undue its macabre spell, which is an admirable tight-rope act to pull off.

 

JOEY

(1985)

Dir - Roland Emmerich

Overall: MEH

 

Co-writer/director Roland Emmerich goes hard on the Steven Spielberg worship/plagiarism with Joey, (Making Contact), a cutesy Close Encounters of the Third Kind/Poltergeist hybrid.  Channeling the most popular filmmaker from across the Atlantic, Emmerich drenches the movie with a Disney-worthy musical score, focuses on a misfit kid and his lone female friend, as well as the not-too-mean bullies in his school.  Said kid talks to his dead dad via a play phone, toys and a creepy ventriloquist dummy come to life, a portal to an imaginary dimension opens up, and various household items obey his newfound telekinetic command.  While dated, the special effects are still decent for the era and a cameo by Darth Vader and various, supernaturally-charged Star Wars merchandise enhance the major American blockbuster vibe that the movie is clearly going for.  Unfortunately, the script is both bloated and underwritten at the same time, with one-note characters and big ideas that never go anywhere beyond just visual spectacle.  As one could guess, the bombastic presentation renders the atmosphere light years away from sinister or creepy, but the objective is to be kid-friendly and centered and low on story, yet full of popcorn-munching spectacle.

 

THINGS

(1989)

Dir - Andrew Jordan

Overall: WOOF

Easily surpassing Monster A Go-Go and Birdemic: Shock and Terror as the most technically incompetent "movie" ever made, Things is what Evil Dead would look like if drunk twelve-year olds with a double digit IQ between them made it.  Well deserving of its reputation, Canada's alleged first SOV crapterpiece is from the same "director" who "produced" the also baffilingly inept Wicked World two years later, but this one is its own anomaly.  Awkwardly shot footage of intoxicated schlubs stumbling all of their lines, (ninety percent of which are ADRed, presumably by people who are also picked in alcohol), make up the overwhelming majority of screen time; screen time which is periodically broken up by a couple of papier-mâché monsters casually doing stuff as well as porn legend Amber Lynn in front of TV sets pretending to be a news anchor while reading her lines off-camera.  The most entertaining of bad cinema is when one can revel in the clueless ineptitude of the people behind of and in front of the screen.  While there is more of that here than most tolerance levels could stomach, the "movie" breaks the very medium of film early on and it only gets more aggressively unacceptable from there; crossing over into a realm where you actually feel bad for whatever mental illness is suffered by the people responsible.  The only thing keeping it remotely tolerable is a perplexed curiosity for the viewer as to how it was made/escaped into a video market in the first place.

80's Foreign Horror Part Twenty

THE FOURTH MAN

(1983)

Dir - Paul Verhoeven

Overall: GOOD

Paul Verhoeven's The Fourth Man, (De vierde man), is a fitting tribute to the author of whom the source material was based, being Gerard Reve and his quasi-autobiographical novel of the same name.  Jeroen Krabbé plays a fictionalized version of Reve; a rough-edged yet playful author who finds deep spiritual meaning amongst his hallucinations when he feels that his life is threatened by a witch.  Concurrent themes centered around both Catholicism and homosexuality run throughout the film, neither of which are played in any derogatory fashion.  This is in keeping with the author's personal views and explorations in his work and the story manages to be an evocative, suspense-laded thriller in the process which keeps it from being too heavy-handed.  Krabbé is excellent and committed in the lead and not just because he goes full frontal more than once and, (as a heterosexual), makes out with another male actor.  He encapsulates the stereotypically pretentious, yet attractive post-War writer who is brooding until spontaneously inspired by whatever lights his muse.  Verhoeven and cinematographer Jan de Bont concoct a number of compelling images as well; gory, erotic, and ethereal depending on the moment.

DEVIL STORY

(1986)

Dir - Bernard Launois

Overall: WOOF

Rightfully belonging on the short, (or long), list of the worst films that have ever existed, Devil Story, (Il était une fois... le diable), was the final travesty unleashed upon the world by French filmmaker Bernard Launois and his only one in the horror genre.  Even by the most forgiving of standards, this incomprehensible mess is an aggressively rough viewing.  The production aspects are on par with SOV nonsense from the time period and the laughable makeup and gore effects look that much worse in completely nonatmospheric settings.  Everybody spends almost the entirely of the movie outside where it is either bright and sunny or indecipherably dark, and as far as the story goes, it seems to be cobbled together from unrelated segments.  A guy in a mask, (one that is a combination of Grandpa from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and a pig), never stops loudly grunting as her murders passersby one after the other, then a couple have car trouble and have to stay at a creepy house, (that ole gag), where they meet a weird family before a woman in a dress and a mummy walk around doing nothing.  The credits hit out of nowhere, but thankfully they come at the seventy-five minute mark instead of any later, which is the only nice thing that can be said about the whole embarrassing affair.

 

PIN

(1988)

Dir - Sandor Stern

Overall: GOOD

 

The only non-television work to be directed by Sandor Stern, Pin, (Pin: A Plastic Nightmare), has a premise that is difficult to take seriously, but this ends up working to the movie's disturbed credit.  Based on the novel of the same name by Andrew Neiderman, it takes the frequented subject matter of a highly unstable person disturbingly connecting with a dummy, or in this case an anatomically correct medical one that a strict, emotionally neglectful doctor uses to teach his children about various things related to anatomy and human body functions.  The narrative has an interesting structure where it begins with a tease that sets up the concept that the dummy of the title is certainly meant to be creepy, only to go back fifteen years and spend the first act with the two leads as children before returning to the present day for the remainder of the film.  While the plot follows predictable beats concerning David Hewlett's character who is psychologically detached at an early age due to his parent's eccentric, over-bearing nature, Stern manages to create a persistent aura of dread even when little happens of a violent nature throughout most of the running time.  Undoubtedly strange with its tongue in cheek, its themes of mental illness, unhealthy attachment, and stunted sexuality make for purposely unsettling results.