80's American Horror Part Eighty-Nine

THE ALCHEMIST

(1983)
Dir - Charles Band
Overall: WOOF

Charles Band's second directorial effort in the horror camp is a painfully dull one that is noticeably missing in the usual high-end camp value that would be a prominent staple of his future works both behind the lens and as producer.  The Alchemist was shot in 1981 yet did not see a theatrical release until two years later when it was screened in Norway of all places, finally getting put out in the US in 1985. Such apparent disinterest in the film for all of that time is understandable upon watching it or trying to watch it as only the most caffeinated of viewers will have a non-laborious time staying awake for the full eighty-six minutes.  The cast is limited to five speaking roles and the most exciting thing that Band and screenwriter Alan J. Adler could come up with throughout the first half is to simply have Lucinda Dooling stare blankly, suffering flashbacks that make the hitchhiker that she picked up grow both aggravated and of course because movies, fall in love with her.  In fact all three of the men on screen are different levels of infatuated with Dooling in both her present incarnation and as an older one that she looks exactly like, also because movies.  The final set piece involves a gateway to hell opening up so that a couple of demons in cheap Halloween masks can emerge from it and bite people, but the slog to get there is mercilessly unforgiving.

 

DARK TOWER

(1987)

Dir - Freddie Francis/Ken Wiederhorn

Overall: MEH

 

An international co-production that was shot in Barcelona, Spain, Dark Tower is generic enough to dupe one into thinking that haunted skyscraper movies are more common than they technically are.  Besides the 1996, Tales from the Crypt episode "Last Respects", this was the final directorial effort from legendary cinematographer/British horror maestro Freddie Francis, joined by co-writer Ken Wiederhorn behind the lens.  The supernatural presence steamrolling the story's diabolical tomfoolery is kept largely vague throughout the running time, which on paper should make it a purely evil force worth cowering in fear over.  In reality though, said otherworldly force mostly just blows a lot of wind at people when it forgets that it can also posses them.  There is also some psychic medium nonsense thrown in that only adds to the cliche pandering instead of conveying an effective atmosphere of dread.  Jenny Agutter, Kevin McCarthy, and a rare top-billed role for Larry Cohen's main-man Michael Moriarty, (who is agreeably less smirky than usual), all give the film some familiar, horror movie star power, but most viewers may check out too early to care.

HOUSE III

(1989)

Dir - James Isaac

Overall: MEH

Though each of the House entries were narratively exclusive from each other, House III, (House III: The Horror Show, The Horror Show), is the only one that tonally does not belong, so much to the point where producers released it domestically outside of the franchise.  It got the jump on Wes Craven's schlock-fest trainwreck Shocker by six months, (which has a near identical premise and a more awesome soundtrack), but this one is at least not insultingly obnoxious by comparison.  In fact, the straight-faced approach is surprising considering that it was initially conceived to be part of an already two-deep, horror/comedy film series that was getting increasingly goofy; this one coming off more sincere than the still ridiculous-on-paper material deserves.  Brion James is ideally cast as the supernaturally vengeful serial killer, spouting his same crazed-eyed, slick-backed hair look that he had in Tango & Cash sans the Australian accent.  In the lead, a 0.9% body fat Lance Henricksen is solid as always and though some of the set pieces are arbitrarily nasty and fun, Leslie Bohem and Allyn Warner's screenplay is loose with the its otherworldly details and it gradually turns into hokey window dressing with cliches abounding.