2000's American Horror Part Fifteen

THE RING

(2002)

Dir - Gore Verbinski

Overall: GOOD

An influential American remake of a contemporary J-horror film which spawned many others in its wake, The Ring is comparatively less effective than its predecessor though still conventionally appealing.  Plot wise, it is practically a scene for scene copy of Hiroshi Takahashi's original version, though Ehren Kruger's script changes almost all of the details surrounding the backstory of that creepy kid with the long black hair who crawls out of a well.  While said details are interchangeable with the Takahashi's movie and serve the same dramatic purpose, Gore Verbinski's direction adheres to several silly tropes that would only continue to get overplayed, especially on the Western side of the Atlantic.  The blue, muted color pallet, a moody kid who speaks cryptically for no reason, several other characters who speak cryptically for no reason, characters talking out loud to themselves so the audience does not get confused, etc.  The source material is already borderline silly as it is, so this becomes more noticeable with the somewhat dumbed-down approach here.  Even with its minor flaws in place, the production is slick and the mystery is both engaging as well as creepy enough to suffice.

PLANET TERROR

(2007)

Dir - Robert Rodriguez

Overall: GOOD

The superior entry out of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's shamelessly throwback Grindhouse collaboration, Planet Terror is a gleefully ridiculous and disgusting walking corpse action movie that plays its highly illogical details for endless chuckles.  Rodriguez came up with the idea for a zombie film almost a decade prior and meant to finish it before the boom for such movies started to make them redundant.  A high-octane exploitation film that takes quite a lot of advantage out of digital effects and rapid-fire editing, it still serves the purpose of he and Tarantino's old school, double-feature project due to deliberate stylistic choices such as zoom cuts, schlocky dialog, a missing reel, and the almost distractingly scratchy faux-film print.  B-movie regulars as well as A-listers co-mingle on screen and they all treat the material accordingly, meaning just serious enough to be quite hilarious.  Mostly though, this is an irresistibly entertaining series of over the top, splattery set pieces, culminating in Rose McGowan's go-go dancer with a machine gun that miraculously fires endless rounds of ammunition while attached to her amputated leg.

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL

(2009)

Dir - Ti West

Overall: MEH

 

While independent filmmaker Ti West's second venture into unabashed horror The House of the Devil is a noticeably more accomplished effort than his debut The Roost, it is nevertheless a crystal clear case of enormously poor plotting sinking a work that otherwise is brooding with potential.  Set in the early 1980s, it is a stylistic throwback to the genre movies of that era, with retro fonts and freeze-frames, camera zooms, and the musical score all delivering nods and winks to a bygone era.  The film opens with a tongue-in-cheek, "based on true events" proclamation as well, setting the stage for the Satanic panic references.  West takes a comically long time to get to the good stuff as it were, though he throws in a few jolts to keep the viewer on edge before things finally get underway in the last twenty minutes.  The completely illogical steps to get there are rather unforgivable though considering that there would be no movie at all if the villainous characters did not concoct such an absolutely unnecessary, cockamamie scheme.  When eighty percent of your movie is a menace-inducing build up that proves one-hundred percent pointless, the entire fabric of the production collapses.  This is a shame since there is a fun, diabolical idea at a core level here and West has enough directorial skill to take notice of, but his screenwriting gets a solid F.

2000's British Horror Part Seven

MY LITTLE EYE

(2002)

Dir - Marc Evans

Overall: MEH

 

A problematic found footage styled movie from British filmmaker Marc Evans, My Little Eye borrows and ultimately squanders the "Big Brother" premise utilized in Kolobos from three years prior.  It can be argued that the primary draw of found footage is in conveying a form of mock-realism that conventional, cinematically inclined films are unable to have.  Here though, Evans decides to exclusively rely on an endless stream of wall-mounted cameras, slowing down and zooming into certain shots while standard scary music plays quite frequently on the soundtrack.  This essentially blows the entire point of presenting it in such a way.  While this faux-pas could be forgiven if the actual content was enticing, such is not entirely the case.  The mystery is upheld well enough for awhile, with creepy details getting gradually dropped in there which lead to something inevitably sinister taking place.  David Hilton and James Watkins' script is left too vague though as we jump right into things without fully understanding enough of not only the situation but the characters themselves who seem either idiotic, underwritten, or both.  This sloppiness transfers over into the half-baked, twisty finale as well, which is probably the most disappointing aspect of all.

 

CREEP

(2004)

Dir - Christopher Smith

Overall: MEH

A modern day reworking of Gary Sherman's 1972 film Death Line, Creep is overall inconsistent yet not without some effective moments.  Set in the London Underground rapid transit system, the location is ideally frightening in its vastness and filthiness with Smith teasing at a disturbing, enigmatic world underneath.  As is usually the case, the first act sets up everything in an appropriately enticing manner, yet a series of "dumb people in horror movies" nonsense plus monotony and various other cliches ultimately sink the ship.  Vague, unanswered clues to Sean Harris' nasty, super-human title character give him an ominous aura of mystery, but when he keeps springing back to life and predictably snatching his victims after Franka Potente's protagonist fails to properly finish him off when she has the chance is just a lazy, hack-job route to take on Smith's part.  That said, there are a few genuine surprises along the way which elevate it above something merely bog-standard for such a genre film.  These instances are not really enough to carry things through as the movie gradually runs out of gas though, but it might please the more forgiving viewer who is in the mood for something properly unsettling.

TORMENTED

(2009)

Dir - Jon Wright

Overall: WOOF

One would have hoped that the horror genre could have permanently retired the despicable "A picked-on kid back for revenge against high school bullies" slasher film long before Jon Wright inexplicably decided to contribute yet another entry to it with Tormented.  Wright and screenwriter Stephen Prentice slightly approach such mind-numbingly cliched crap from a dark comedy angle with a few outrageous death scenes and the like, yet it still boils down to a predictably boring waiting game for unrepentingly horrible characters to get their comeuppance.  Setting up everyone to be so incredibly unlikable that their ultimate demise brings applause from the audience is obviously the appeal, but when every interaction between them simply reinforces lazy high school bully tropes ad nauseum, it inadvertently ends up being as miserable of a viewing experience as torture porn.  Even with some jokes thrown in, the performances and tone are oddly far more serious than the hackneyed material deserves.  So for anyone simply looking for an updated version with CGI blood splatter and cell phones of Slaughter High, Prom Night, Horror High, The Redeemer...Son of Satan!, Carrie, and god knows how many others, knock yourself out.

2000's British Horror Part Six

SHAUN OF THE DEAD

(2004)

Dir - Edgar Wright

Overall: GREAT

 

Easily the best zombie comedy since Peter Jackson's gore benchmark Brain Dead, Shaun of the Dead arrived smack during the sub-genre's resurgence, supplying a much needed breather from all of the typical tropes that were once again being played out to death.  Co-writer/director Edgar Wright and co-writer/star Simon Pegg conceived of the idea while working on Spaced and several of their own personal anecdotes were tapped into for inspiration along with various nods to George Romero's works, the Resident Evil game series, Queen, and plenty of other stuff.  While perhaps the "easier" route could have been making a straight parody of zombie films, Wright's stylized, energetic direction, the incredibly tight script, and the overarching theme of reclaiming one's priorities after a devastating misfortune, (like a walking corpse apocalypse), elevate this far above mere spoof territory.  The performances are not only hilarious yet genuinely moving when they are supposed to be with Pegg in the lead being particularly multi-layered and terrific.  It is a movie that reveals far more depth and intricacy in its details upon further viewings, all after the initial, memorable hi-jinks have properly done their part.

DREAD

(2009)

Dir - Anthony DiBlasi

Overall: WOOF

 

An adaptation of Clive Barker's short story of the same name, Dread adheres to the basic theme of overcoming one's fears, yet as far as the plot is concerned, it diverges rather significantly and detrimentally.  While the narrative elaboration is acceptable on paper, the jacked-up psychopath re-working of the Quaid character breaks any potential plausibility rather quickly in such a context.  In Barker's initial story, Quaid's warped sadism was gradually explored via a single, prolonged incident and the author pulled it off without an unnecessary build-up, something that made it work in such a context.  Here though, the addition of several characters and turning the source material's plot into a mere vignette at the tail end of the film inadvertently causes things to collapse.  Said antagonist exhibits such alarmingly unlikable behavior from the get go that his inevitable, villainous turn is blatantly obvious and therefor why anyone on screen chooses to have anything at all to do with him in the first place is quite preposterous.  Worse yet, the tone becomes pure torture porn, ending on a miserably pointless note that is likely to please absolutely no one while madding absolutely everyone.  Maybe that was the point but if so, no thank you.

 

WAKE WOOD

(2009)

Dir - David Keating

Overall: MEH

The first theatrical release from Hammer Film Production's relaunch, Wake Wood is a halfway decent Pet Sematary via folk horror hybrid that stumbles a bit too much along the way.  A British/Irish co-production that was shot in both Ireland and Scottland, writer/director David Keating goes for an grounded mood, with handheld camerawork, unassuming cinematography, and a plentiful amount of filthy/squishy blood, guts, and other things.  It all looks a bit on the low-budget, digital camera end though which is something that cuts into the atmospherics.  Script-wise, not enough plausibility is established to make Aidan Gillen and Eva Birthistle both going along with the bizarre pagan rituals of the locals seem anything but rushed at best, borderline ridiculous at worst.  The supernatural specifics are fine for such a story, yet the plot unfolds rather predictably with lost potential along the way to make its more sincere themes and creepy backdrop work effectively together.  A noble attempt yes from all parties involved that does not allow for any schlocky insults to muck everything up, (plus the throwback elements are respectfully done), so it is a mediocre if forgivable entry to be sure.

2000's British Horror Part Five

28 DAYS LATER

(2002)

Dir - Danny Boyle

Overall: MEH

 

Commercially successful as well as influential, director Danny Boyle and screenwriter Alex Garland's collaboration 28 Days Later significantly contributed to the rise of zombie films in the 21st century.  While the ensuing trend of ravenous, running corpses in a post apocalyptic setting would quickly give way to over-saturation, this particular entry was at least exciting if still narratively flawed.  Each act delivers diminishing results, as it starts off promising with some impressive, desolate footage of London and a small crop of characters garnishing a little hope for themselves.  Unfortunately, things fall apart just past the halfway point once the small, crazed military operation resorts to repopulating the human species via raping women within only after a handful of weeks since the outbreak.  This odious and nihilistic turn of events stops the momentum in its tracks instead of upping the tension as was intended.  Since the "people killing people" motif fails to say anything profound and merely further slams home the tired cliche that humanity resorts to lawless barbarism at its earliest opportunity, it all just becomes another nasty, impatiently edited action movie.

  

BEYOND THE RAVE

(2008)

Dir - Matthias Hoene

Overall: MEH

 

Originally appearing as a set of web serials on MySpace, Beyond the Rave was the official first production for the newly relaunched Hammer Films.  Choosing such a medium to reintroduce the famed company seems like a rather daft choice in some respects, but the movie itself hardly reinforces the Gothic horror motifs of yesteryear.  In fact it is rather aggressively contemporary.  As the title would suggest, the story revolves around an underground rave which is put on by vampires to harvest the blood from a large crop of drugged-up, foul-mouthed twenty-somethings, plus the gritty, music video presentation clearly demonstrates that Hammer has no interest in delivering anything of a throwback variety.  Even the one linking element to their old catalog is missing as Ingrid Pitt shot a scene that was axed from the final product.  Sadie Frost does make an appearance at least in a non-speaking blood-sucker role though why they bothered to include her besides appeasing Bram Stoker's Dracula fans for about a minute and a half is anyone's guess.  The nauseating editing, awful, handheld camerawork, and piss-poor cinematography make it a rather frustrating viewing experience to say the least.  There are a couple of camp-worthy moments that are fun, but once one sees past the novelty value, it does not have much else to offer.

TRIANGLE

(2009)

Dir - Christopher Smith

Overall: GOOD

British writer/director Christopher Smith delivered a satisfying, straight psychological horror film in the truest sense with Triangle, his third full-length.  Non-linear storytelling usually means simply jumbling up scenes out of sequence, yet Smith takes a more ambitious route here that steers away from being pretentious and instead reveals the necessary details while leaving the audience properly engaged along the way.  After an initial set-up which already presents Melissa George's character as being mysteriously aloof, the basic concept takes a page out of the 1980 crud rock Death Ship.  Here though, the premise of an eerily deserted ocean liner is utilized to represent a sort of disturbed limbo that may offer either redemption or a perpetual curse upon those who board it.  Wisely, nothing is arbitrarily cryptic or genre-pandering in such a context as Smith trusts both his intriguing premise and his audience enough to reach a finish line that stays ambiguous while clearing up every loose end that needs to be cleared up.  George is also quite excellent in the lead, which is a good thing as the story exclusively focuses on her struggles with motherhood and desperation in surviving for her son.

2000's Jean Rollin

DRACULA'S FIANCÉE

(2002)

Overall: GOOD

A few years after his long-awaited return to form with 1997's Les deux orphelines vampires, Jean Rollin's next archetypal fantastique film Dracula's Fiancée, (La fiancée de Dracula), went into production, continuing his singular, throwback trajectory.  During the shooting, Rollin was unfortunately undergoing kidney disease treatment and was regularly off-set, which led to occasional collaborator Jean-Noël Delamarre taking over some of the location filming.  Speaking of locations, Rollin's favorite locales including the Dieppe beach and Seine-et-Marne château are present, plus Brigitte Lahaie, Nathalie Perry, and Catherine Castel return in supporting roles.  Even with Rollin's absentee health issues in tow, it still has the look and feel of the filmmaker's more prominent works from decades past.  A fairy tale type logic is maintained where seemingly arbitrary rules apply to an endless amount of rituals involving manic nuns, evil sorceresses, a wicked, love-stricken dwarf, an ogress, and a Van Helsing type character plus sidekick all seemingly playing some sort of role in freeing, (or holding captive), Count Dracula himself who has been promised a willing bride.

LA NUIT DES HORLOGES

(2007)

Overall: GOOD

Though it was his penultimate work in cinema, Jean Rollin's La nuit des horloges, (The Night of the Clocks, Night Clocks), acts much more as a proper swan song for the filmmaker.  Not only does it feature archival footage from most if not all of his previous entries in the fantastique genre as well as several of his favorite actors, but the story itself blurs the lines with what happens to an artist and their creations once they are no longer alive to create.  Characters both new and old play real life variations of themselves, floating in and out of a variety of scenes while former pornographic actress turned writer/director Ovidie searches for the presumably deceased Rollin, (here given the name Michel Jean).  The meta angle is an interesting one, serving as a quasi-autobiographical musing on a career's worth of bizarre, nostalgic, erotic, violent, and captivating images, presented in the ethereal, dreamlike, and purposely slow-paced fashion that Rollin exclusively works in.  On the one hand, the repetitive dialog, meandering nature of the plot, and clearly minuscule production values can hardly be seen as faults since such things are unmistakable in all of the director's movies, but outside of it being a part greatest hits compilation, it does not quite conjure up the same majestic, macabre weirdness of the films that it homages to.  Still, it is definitely worth seeing for Rollin fans who are clearly the only people that this was made for in the first place.

LE MASQUE DE LA MÉDUSE

(2009)

Overall: MEH

Jean Rollin officially closed out his career with the typically strange, barely budgeted fantastique film Le Masque de la Méduse, (The Mask of Medusa).  An hour long cut of it was originally screened at the Cinémathèque de Toulouse film institute before Rollin shot an additional twenty-minutes and then re-edited the whole into its finished, two-part form.  It mostly takes place at the Theatre du Grande Guignol though the famed Père Lachaise Cemetery where Jim Morrison, Oscar Wilde, George Méliès, and Sarah Bernhardt are buried is also used in the latter segment.  The story itself is a simplified reworking of the Gorgon Greek mythology tale with Rollin's wife Simone in the title role, delivering a particularly, (yet surely deliberately), unemotive performance.  While this has the same comatose pacing that is always present in Rollin's work, it is all done on such a minor scale and with the most limited of production values that no bewitching atmosphere is accomplished.  Instead, it is just heavily talky and stagnant, with a strange enough tone that makes it difficult to tell if the several moments of goofiness are there on purpose or acciental.  Some of what is going on here is fascinating and it is certainly a treat that we got one last cinematic full-length out of Rollin before he respectfully checked out, but this really only functions as a minor curiosity.

2000's Paul Naschy

TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF

(2003)

Dir - Fred Olen Ray

Overall: WOOF

Shot during the same week as Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood and released the following year, Tomb of the Werewolf, (The Unliving), is the final entry in Paul Nashcy's Count Waldemar Daninsky series.  The fact that the Spanish horror icon got to play his most famous character one last time while pushing seventy years old is a wonderful thing in spirit, yet unfortunately the resulting film is a piece of absolute shit.  Writer/director/schlock peddler Fred Olen Ray is basically only tolerable when he is delivering his own brand of exploitative, tongue-in-cheek comedy so his attempt at atmospheric Gothic horror with worse production values and acting than most pornography is just headscratchingly embarrassing.  Speaking of porn, this is of the softcore variety with an exclusive cast made up of mimbos and naked women, save both Hollywood Chainsaw Hooker's Jay Richardson who mostly just smirks and Naschy who only speaks a couple lines of phonetic English.  On the positive side, the makeup is actually pretty decent and Naschy still has an impressive ferociousness when under the wolfman garb.  Elsewhere though, it is a typical "shot on digital video" crapfest that fairly belongs on anyone's "bad movie night" list.

ROTTWEILER

(2004)

Dir - Brian Yuzna

Overall: MEH

 

Following up Beyond Re-Animator with another low budget Spanish production, Brian Yuzna hits a creative wall with the painfully not good Rottweiler.  The concept of a cybernetic K9 hunting down an escaped prisoner is nothing to take seriously of course, but the tone here goes for riveting, B-movie action that fails to jive with incredibly lousy dialog, unfocused plotting, shit dubbing, and an underwritten story loaded with unintentional humor and schlocky cliches.  Yuzna's attempts at visual and conceptual edginess are pretty far removed from his earlier, wackier work as well.  Poor little Ivana Baquero for instance sees a stark naked guy, her mom having sex with him, her dog mutilated, and her then mom viciously murdered right in front of her all within a handful of minutes.  As opposed to the absurd yuckfest Society which was actually intelligently crafted, or even the unwatchably terrible yet gleefully over the top Faust: Love of the Damned, this is just an unremarkable, not even minimally interesting dud.  Paul Naschy plays a mysterious bad guy for a couple of seconds though so at least he made some money.

A WEREWOLF IN THE AMAZON

(2005)

Dir - Ivan Cardoso

Overall: MEH

Nearing the end of his performing career, Paul Naschy got to check one last iconic horror character off from his list of many, this time playing none other than Dr. Moreau in A Werewolf in the Amazon, (Um Lobisomem na Amazônia), a barely sequel to H.G.Welles' source material.  It would be unfair to expect anything that profoundly examines "man playing god" themes within the bottom-barrel, purposely goofy presentation here from Brazilian filmmaker Ivan Cardoso.  A comedy/horror hybrid that even randomly detours into musical terrain for a single scene, there are topless Amazon women, sex scenes that fade to black as soon as they begin, about four sets to shoot on, day for night scenes via obvious digital manipulation, no animal makeup for any of Moreau's monstrous creations, and every single dialog dump is littered with nothing but exposition.  In many ways this fits right at home with much of Naschy's low-budget work, though it is a plus that the sleaze factor is played exclusively for campy chuckles this time.  The tone is quite appropriate for the moronic material and Naschy actually seems to be enjoying himself as the one-note villain, giving his scant few werewolf appearances a sufficient jolt to go out on.  A better movie overall certainly would have been preferable to hang his lycanthropian hat on once and for all, but this is harmless silliness that is at least watchable for fans that are hip to its existence.

2000's Foreign Horror Part Sixteen

DRACULA: PAGES FROM A VIRGIN'S DIARY
(2002)
Dir - Guy Maddin
Overall: MEH

For those possessing an absolute lack of knowledge about the art form of ballet, you will most likely be lost during Guy Maddin's Bram Stoker singular interpetation Dracula: Pages from a Virgin's Diary.   Maddin has long worked well outside normal filmmaking trends and techniques, and in this respect, the deliberate, bygone era, silent film approach here is nothing new to him.  It is certainly something new for a Dracula adaptation released this century though.  Coupled with literally being a thematic version of a dance production by the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, it is refreshing amongst the horde of other Dracula movies out there, even if the resulting viewing experience is not entirely well-suited to the cinematic medium.  Evocatively photographed and given an appropriate, romantic sheen by cinematographer Paul Suderman, watching everyone elegantly bounce and dance back, forth, and into each other's arms in three or four different large rooms is hardly compelling enough for everyone's tastes, but those familiar with the bare bones plot logistics of the often-filmed source material may at least have an easier time following along.

BLACK SHEEP
(2006)
Dir - Johnathan King
Overall: GOOD

The amusing debut Black Sheep from New Zealand filmmaker Johnathan King works its absurd premise in a user friendly, strictly B-movie way that is persistently in on its own gag.  King's script successfully takes the piss out of both animal cruelty and extreme environmentalism, two typically serious, real life concerns that are skewed cleverly where genetic experiments transform docile, vegetarian sheep into carnivorous beasts that also have the ability to infect humans.  This hilariously makes the movie the only weresheep/zombie hybrid in cinema history.  Though it is played for comedic effect exclusively, (how could it not be?), the movie wisely lets loose with the gore and the practical effects have a throwback charm to them that gives it an exploitative splatter quality to delight fans of such nastiness.  Even with juvenile flatulence jokes, the villain getting his wiener bitten off, and a sheep trying to hump our hero, it is just over the top enough as to not try too obnoxiously hard, with straight-faced performances counterbalancing all of the good, messy camp.

 

THE ORPHANAGE

(2007)

Dir - J.A. Bayona

Overall: MEH

For a haunted house movie, The Orphanage, (El orfanato), has a slightly better story than most and one or two effectively chilling moments that skew the formula, but those moments are dwarfed by an otherwise relentless stream of cliches.  A family moving into a creepy old colonial house, a kid with imaginary friends, a grieving, "I'm not crazy" woman not being taken seriously by her stubborn husband, pointlessly cryptic dialog, creepy masks, creepy dolls, paranormal specialists investigating with Ghost Hunters equipment, a psychic medium, troubled spirits who play endless games instead of just coming out and saying what they want, the "something was just in my bed" scene; the list just never lets up.  A solid lead performance from Belén Rueda certainly helps and the movie works far better as a look into the desperation and turmoil that a parent faces after losing a child than it does as a wheel-inventing horror film.  Despite its sincerity, there is very, very little unique about the presentation which just makes the bombardment of over-played tropes that much more unfortunate.

2000's Foreign Horror Part Fifteen

GONE
(2007)
Dir - Ringan Ledwidge
Overall: MEH

A frustrating outback thriller from director Ringan Ledwidge, Gone is low on momentum, null on convincing characters, and loaded with dopey plot contrivances in place in order to keep things crawling to their unsatisfying conclusion.  The film barely qualifies as "thriller" at all until the last fifteen-odd minutes when Scott Mechlowicz' calmly shady and unlikable American decides to become a raging psychopath, which presumably would have happened much sooner and with more agency.  Such a finale is not only undeserved and clashing, but it makes the movie's other two characters appear like easily-duped idiots; characters who have gone alone with Mechlowicz' behavior which is more odd than charming.  The problem largely lies within the premise itself as we have seen countless variations of the "new friend who clearly isn't up to any good" story before, so the viewer can guess what is to come long before the dim-witted victims can. Ledwidge is attempting drawn-out suspense here by unveiling his cards so gradually as to make the frightful jump in the closing moments seem both inevitable and surprising at the same time.  Instead, the movie could have leaned into its jealousy and paranoia, pulling off a nifty psychological trick by skipping such a whimpering bit of violence to close things out, but oh wait, never mind; probably bad guy was just an actual bad guy the whole time.

 

EMBODIMENT OF EVIL

(2008)

Dir - José Mojica Marins

Overall: GOOD

José Mojica Marins's blasphemous swan song Embodiment of Evil, (Encarnação do Demônio), is a diabolically absurd note to bow out on.  Returning to and ending the Coffin Joe series after forty-one years, (and the first directorial full-length from Marins in twenty-one years), it is a proper sequel to This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse and sees the infamous Zé do Caixão character getting released from prison after decades and having killed an additional thirty-men while incarcerated.  Naturally, he gets right back to business which is exclusively torturing people in a hell-bent quest to spread his wicked seed to any willing woman that is a third of his age who can survive his nihilistic spell.  While it is at first unnatural to see a much older and thicker Marins in the Coffin Joe garb without the youthful zeal of his earlier appearances, he certainly delivers on anyone thinking he could not keep up with modern day gore and nastiness.  Coming from a man who rather single-handedly championed such exploitative cinematic tactics so long ago, this in fact should not be surprising as Marins proves that "he's still got it" in the most classic sense.  Ridiculous, disgusting, heinous from front to back, and in on its own ungodly charm, this is an appropriate final chapter to Brazil's most maverick voice in underground filmmaking.

 

SPLICE

(2009)

Dir - Vincenzo Natali

Overall: MEH

If Vincenzo Natali's Splice was intended to be a bold, tonally bulletproof dark comedy, than its highly baffling aspects make some sort of "sense" on paper.  One of the most curious mad scientist romps in many a year, there is something persistently off throughout the entire film where so much illogical and inconsistent behavior, slapstick level goofiness, daft plot points, half-baked themes, and exclusively straight, committed performances combine together in something that is virtually impossible to make heads or tails of.  It seems to be saying a lot at once about corporate bio engineering, childhood trauma, nature meddling, infidelity, offspring attachment, Freudian psychology, "man playing god" whateverness, and who knows what else.  None of these concepts are properly explored though, with most being merely alluded to as a part CGI mutant/monster/human/baby/girl/man thing with a tail and wings is distracting everyone both on and off screen.  Natali deserves some recognition for such an unorthodox combination of thematic and genre components and the end result certainly leaves an impression unlike what anyone could expect.  Whether or not that is a bad, good, confusing, irritating, hilarious, or fascinating impression, (or a fusing of each), is definitely left to the more adventurous and forgiving of viewers to decide.

2000's Foreign Horror Part Fourteen

BRUISER

(2000)

Dir - George A. Romero

Overall: MEH

 

The last cinematic effort from George A. Romero before he finished out his career with the terrible, second Dead trilogy, Bruiser unfortunately proved that there was already not much creative gas left in the once legendary filmmaker's tank.  A French produced/Toronto shot yuppie slasher movie that is substantially heavy on the camp, Romero's penchant for social commentary is a bit vague in such an office politics/revenge setting where an unassuming creative director for a magazine "stands up for himself" and offs several acquaintances who cheated him out of either money, life, or both.  He also wakes up with a blank mask stuck to his face in representing his "invisibility" to his peers, because horror movies.  It is certainly no mistake that most of Jason Flemyng's victims are exaggerated caricatures of greedy scumbags, exemplified in the least subtle way possible by Peter Stormare's preposterous performance as the eccentric, cocaine-guzzling, misogynistic, one-none, millionaire boss villain.  The movie is probably worth it for Stormare's scenery-gorging alone, as well as Tom Atkins playing of course a police detective and The Misfits randomly joining the party.  Elsewhere though, this is pretty forgettable, B-grade stuff that seems to be trying too hard to be clever, humorous, and mildly shocking without persistently landing any of the above.

 

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF

(2001)

Dir - Christophe Gans

Overall: MEH

The schlock-fueled, historical, two and a half hour, martial arts action horror movie that nobody asked for Brotherhood of the Wolf, (Le Pacte des loups), is far from an all-out mess, but it is unmistakably over-bloated.  Taking the "Beast of Gévaudan" fable for loose inspiration, French co-writer/director Christophe Gans creates something quite epic in not just length, but cinematic scope.  It is an impressive production to be sure with a hefty budget that lends itself to bombastic fight sequences, grandiose music, and detailed set and costume design.  Some practical effects by Jim Henson's Creature Shop are appreciated, but the CGI is much more prominent in several scenes and is absolutely appalling.  The much bigger issue though is the bloated running time.  There simply is not nearly enough story here to be stretched to such ridiculous proportions and the intimidating, monstrous wolf-beast that the characters arrive in the beginning to hunt down is not even teased on screen until a full hour in.  The very thin plot development between characters before that is not only largely unnecessary for the considerable amount of time still left, but also meandering and boring.  Gans tries to overcompensate for the lack of narrative material with a flashy, quickly edited pace and lots of laughably campy set pieces, but it sure is just a lot of genre mishmash window dressing in the end.

SHROOMS

(2007)

Dir - Paddy Breathnach

Overall: WOOF

 

Tonal problems, cliches, a messy narrative, and characters that are unlikable, stupid, and obnoxious all run rampant in Shrooms.  An international co-production between Ireland, Denmark, and the UK from Irish director Paddy Breathnach, the schlock factor seems to be more unintentionally funny than deliberately in place.  The concept of a couple of college kids vacationing in the remote woods so they can partake of nature's favorite hallucinogen brings forth the usual crop of one-note, bickering, douchebag protagonists whose behavior is anything but natural and often just plain idiotic.  Worsening matters is the backdrop of a creepy orphanage, deranged woodsmen, cell phones being taken away, and a dirty, supernatural figure in a black hood just to further cover the bases of derivative crap to play with.  Oh, and there is a twist ending because, duh.  Presentation wise, Breathnach limits himself only to every genre trope that has overstayed their welcome, constantly bouncing between loud soundtrack cues and quietness, vaguely unsettling images, an overly filtered color pallet, etc.  The premise of people violently tripping balls in the middle of nowhere does rather lend itself to some of these tactics, but there is just too much conflicting, tired nonsense mucking everything up.

2000's Dario Argento

SLEEPLESS

(2001)

Overall: MEH

 

After three decades behind the lens at this point in his career, Dario Argento proves that he can crank out another by-the-books giallo in his sleep with the therefor appropriately titled Sleepless, (Non ho sonno).  The completely retreaded nature of the film could be seen as an equally good or not so good thing depending on the viewer, as the exact same elements that make it satisfying are the same ones that make it dull.  Inviting Max von Sydow to participate brings a distinguished credibility to the proceedings as he turns in a typically solid, straight performance, this time as a retired police detective compelled back to investigate a violent killing spree involving dwarfism and nursery rhymes because Italian giallo movies are silly.  Argento puts on the black gloves again, slices and dices several victims, (most of whom are women of course), and throws red herrings at the audience until almost the last possible moment before the credits roll.  Everything in its right, ultra-violent place for fans of everything in its right, ultra-violent place.  For everyone else though, the structure is so predictable that it could even be seen as parody.  Also, the filmmaker's trademark flash only crops up in small doses and it all plays out more underwhelming than not.

 

THE CARD PLAYER

(2004)

Overall: MEH

 

Premise wise, Dario Argento's sixteenth feature The Card Player, (Ilcartaio), breaks up the formula sufficiency of merely another killer with black gloves and some kind of sexually traumatic past who stalks a bystander protagonist that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The gimmick here of an online poker player daring the cops to beat him at standard, five-card draw unless he mutilates and murders his victims on camera is a sufficiently disturbing one that gets introduced during the very first scene.  Unfortunately, the movie does not really have anywhere to go after establishing the stakes, meandering a bit until about the last half-hour when the inevitable, unsatisfying, and very silly twist reveal starts to kick into gear.  There is still the usual, unnaturally funny dialog, the expected amount of sadism, and a couple of preposterous kills, but even with a hip, techno soundtrack in tow to try and contemporize it, Argento certainly seems to be on autopilot as far as the presentation is concerned.  It is all visually competent, just with hardly any pizzazz, coming off like a stripped down version of the filmmaker's more ambitiously outrageous output that made him a legend in his field.

 

DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK?

(2005)

Overall: MEH

 

For whatever reason, Dario Argento found himself making a block of made-for-television films in the mid-2000s, beginning with Do You Like Hitchcock?, (Ti piace Hitchcock).  Similar to his Masters of Horror entries only in the fact that it delivers the unintended chuckles, this is otherwise a standard giallo that, (as the title would suggest), deliberately pays homage to the filmmaker that Argento has been classified as the Italian version of throughout his career.  Strangers on a Train, Rear Window, and Dial M for Murder are directly referenced where a voyeuristic college student spies on his sexy neighbor and after her mother is brutally murdered, naturally suspects that a cockamamie scheme is underfoot that has everything to do with Alfred Hitchcock's film repertoire that most of the characters seem to have an equal admiration for as they routinely rent them from a local video store.  Elio Germano's protagonist studies both German Expressionism and early Russian silent cinema so footage from Der Golem, Nosferatu, and Man with the Movie Camera also make an appearance to further tickle the movie nerd that is watching.  Largely stagnant in the plotting, the usual hallmarks are in place like Argento having no idea how normal people actually talk so that everyone on screen comes off as a stupid asshole.  Most of the set pieces seem to be nothing more than the first haphazard idea that came to him, with a wet, awkward motor scooter sequence in particular being a goofy highlight.

MOTHER OF TEARS

(2007)

Overall: MEH

By the time that Dario Argento got around to wrapping up his Three Mothers Trilogy, his steadily declining cinematic output had established two stylistic modes that were becoming slightly more exclusive from each other.  One was the textbook, giallo-by-numbers which largely dominated his filmography, but the other more interesting and arguably far more terrible one was the bombastic supernatural yarn, which is the category that Mother of Tears, (La Terza madre), falls into.  On paper, the "good" stuff is all there; daughter Asia in the lead, her mother/Argento's one-time collaborator Daria Nicolodi making a cameo along with Udo Kier, a story focusing on the most terrifying and nasty of the witch sisters, and easily the most jaw-dropping "Jesus fucking Christ, guy" levels of gore in any of the Italian Hitchcock's movies.  A diabolical treat to be sure, but man is the result laugh-out-loud stupid.  Whatever flashy camera work and gorgeously designed visuals that Argento indulged in back in his heyday are long gone and in their place are horrendous special effects and dull looking sets.  The story derails into illogical absurdity almost right from the get go and it escalates madly to the point where uncontrollable laughter is the only possible response from any audience member.  It is a fascinating failure that goes full-tilt, stumbles hilariously, and ends up quite memorable for, (mostly), the wrong reasons.

GIALLO

(2009)

Overall: MEH

 

After a quick detour into supernatural terrain with 2007's ridiculous trainwreck Mother of Tears, Dario Argento settled right back into his comfort zone on Giallo; the first movie to actually be titled after the Italian sub-genre that the filmmaker has long been synonymous with.  This was a troubled production for Argento though as his daughter Asia and potential lead Vincent Gallo dropped out after the two's engagement went kaput, followed by producer interference and then Adrien Brody having to file a lawsuit in order to actually get paid for his work on the project.  The result is not as mangled and unintentionally nonsensical as much of the filmmaker's later output, which is probably due to the fact that the script was initially penned by Sean Keller and Jim Agne, both of whom have a comparatively "better" understanding than Argento does of the way that logical behavior dictates our day to day lives.  The trade off unfortunately is that the story is pretty dull, even though Brody delivers a half over-the-top/half reserved, dual performance that is far better than material such as this should ever deserve.

90's Dario Argento

TWO EVIL EYES

(1990)

Dir - Dario Argento/George A. Romero

Overall: GOOD

 

Originally intended to feature four different filmmakers taking on an Edgar Allan Poe story ala various other such movies with a similar premise dating all the way back to the silent era, George A. Romero and Dario Argento ended up being the sole contributors to Two Evil Eyes, (Due occhi diabolici).  Shot in Romero's native Pittsburgh with a handful of the director's regulars appearing, (including Tom Savini who did the special makeup effects, as usual), his opening adaptation of "The Facts in the Case of Mr. Valdemar" is the more streamlined of the two, bringing back Adrienne Barbeau and Tom Atkins from Creepshow.  Argento's "The Black Cat" has a few too many of the Italian Hitchcock's typical plotting malfunctions and unintentional goofiness, yet he also delivers another ridiculous, elaborate ending, plus Harvey Keitel seems to be in on the gag at irregular intervals.  Both stories being stretched to nearly an hour each does ultimately hurt them though as they meander and could have benefited from some tightening up that the proposed four installment idea would have allowed for.  Still, this is a mostly fun experiment, warts and all.

TRAUMA

(1993)

Overall: GOOD

 

The second American film that Dario Argento made in the early 90s, Trauma also serves as the first to feature his daughter Asia.  One of the more notorious moments in any of the director's movies involves a then seventeen year-old Asia appearing topless in a particularly gratuitous, (i.e. pointless), scene which is inadvertently creepier than anything else in the actual film.  Another typical giallo with a killer wearing black gloves and using a particularly inventive murder device, (a "noose-o-matic" which was devised by special makeup effects guru Tom Savini), it has plenty of flash, violence, and absurdity.  Five different people were credited with either the story or the screenplay and it rather drunkenly stumbles towards the finish line with some very half-baked plot points, all of which are as common for an Argento movie as is clever camera work and misogyny.  There are some wonderfully scene-chewing supporting performances from Frederic Forrest, Brad Dourif, and Piper Laurie playing yet another hilariously disturbed mother, (this time with a fake Italian accent).  It is all pure nonsense, but quite fun and masterfully done pure nonsense.

THE STENDHAL SYNDROME

(1996)

Overall: MEH

 

Dario Argento returned to Italy with the topsy-turvy The Stendhal Syndrome, (La Sindrome di Stendhal), a flawed yet conceptually wacky giallo.  Based off of a supposed real life experience that Argento had when he was young, it deals with concepts such as amnesia and split personalities in a typically far-fetched fashion though as was often the case for the director, the film is ultimately about violent, sexual trauma.  Asia Argento turns in a pretty visceral, memorable performance as the victimized police detective and while the musical theme by Ennio Morricone is purposely repetitive, it does create the right sinister mood.  Though the first act dabbles in the surreal and has a kinetic energy to it, the film quickly slogs its way though the typically poorly written script.  Things appear to satisfyingly wrap up about an hour in, only to plod on for almost another full hour as if two separate movies were crammed into one.  Even with several rape scenes in disturbing tow, the movie is less grandiose in its violence and plays things too straight to benefit the story's more goofy aspects, making the whole thing a bit of an overlong misstep.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

(1998)

Overall: MEH

Not making the Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera deformed is like not making Dracula a vampire so in this sense, Dario Argento's interpretation of Gaston Leroux' frequently adapted novel omits something rather crucial to the inherent horror aspects.  Being an Argento movie, it of course makes up for the narrative tweaks with hilariously gruesome gore and weirdness like Julian Sand's romantically dashing title character being raised by rats, defying the laws of physics, viciously biting people, and being able to communicate telepathically with Asia Argento's Christine.  He does still play the organ in an underground lair and is obsessively smitten with Christine's singing voice so it has not all been unrecognizably re-calibrated.  When looked at as a comedy, parts of the movie work as there are several ridiculous set pieces, lines of dialog, plot points, and major narrative oversights like how is there electricity everywhere and how in the hell did the Phantom learn how to talk, read, write, and deck out his well-furnished dwellings?  Sans some embarrassing CGI effects, the film looks pretty fantastic though and the director's flair for the extravagant still lets itself be known.  It is certainly a messy endeavor any way one slices it, but also a fun one for "bad movie night".

90's British Horror Part Five

THE WITCHES

(1990)

Dir - Nicolas Roeg

Overall: GOOD

 

This adaptation of Roald Dahl's novel The Witches was the only children's film that director Nicolas Roeg ever made and also doubles as the last one that Jim Henson worked on before his death which occurred just a week before its release.  Shot on location in both Norway and at England's Headland Hotel, the extensive budget gives way to some of the best practical effects of the era including an outrageously grotesque makeup design for Angelica Huston's Grand High Witch.  The mythology present in Dahl's source material is quite inventive which includes witches being naturally bald, square-footed, having a purple tint to their eyes, and being able to smell children who they of course have an overwhelming disdain for.  While there is certainly some macabre elements to the story, Henson and Roeg's tone is kept predominantly light, going far enough as to chirp up the ending against Dahl's wishes.  On top of the many memorable set pieces, (the best of which include young Jasen Fisher's transformation into an adorable, animatronic mouse and his proceeding escapades in such a form), Huston's camped-up performance is delightful and hers is easily one of the best overall screen villains in any such movie.

 

DARKLANDS

(1997)

Dir - Julian Richards
Overall: MEH

Julian Richards, (a filmmaker associated with the Cool Cymru art movement in Wales), made his first of a career's worth of thriller/horror full-lengths with Darklands, an acceptable if unremarkable, contemporary pagan mystery.  The usual hallmarks of blasphemous church desecration, gypsies being unfriendly, a dubious femme fatale, plus cult rituals involving child conception, human sacrifices, resurrection, and the usual lot of mumbo jumbo are all more or less perfectly in place.  Visually though, Richards is not the most flashy of storytellers as the movie has a flat presentation with unexciting camera work that is unfortunately fitting to the flimsy budget.  The attempts at Gothy, on-fire, freakshow aesthetics come off more dated than hip, but the story does rev up appropriately to an intense, conspiratorial tension in the finale.  For an updated, urban Wicker Man tale, there is definitely an all around better movie lurking in here somewhere, but the performances are sufficient, the premise nifty, and the ambition is admirable at least.

URBAN GHOST STORY

(1998)

Dir - Geneviève Jolliffe

Overall: GOOD

The lone directorial effort from English screenwriter Geneviève Jolliffe, Urban Ghost Story is essentially what the title would suggest; a contemporary haunted house movie except one that takes place in a low-rent apartment complex.  While there is some diabolical poltergeist activity present, it is largely underplayed in order to focus primarily on the story of struggling, poverty stricken single mothers whose desperate motives are regularly exploited.  When an already troubled teenager survives a car accident after being clinically dead for several minutes, the unexplained supernatural activity only causes a further wedge within her family, with phony psychics, paranormal investigators, gang thugs, and social workers piling on the not good times.  Jolliffe captures the less-than-ideal setting quite well, with unassuming, intimate cinematography that forgoes cinematic flashiness in a way that is certainly beneficial to the gruff, often heavy material.  It is definitely low on spookiness and even with some of the aforementioned horror movie tropes in place, genre fans looking for a by-the-books cliche fest may feel a bit mislead by the title and basic premise.  The differentiating, more grounded approach is somewhat refreshing though, even if the social commentary is as on the nose as it gets.

90's Lucio Fulci

DEMONIA

(1990)

Overall: MEH

The direct-to-video Demonia from Lucio Fulci is not one of his best executed films, though this is hardly surprising as it was made at the turn of the 1990s, at which point the Italian gore-father was rather universally considered past his prime.  The concept of horny nuns who murder their partners in the heat of passion, get crucified by angry villagers, and then cause supernatural tomfoolery centuries later seems like ideal fodder for Euro exploitation such as this.  So what went wrong?  Well as a quasi-paring of nunsploitation and slasher genres, it pulls off nothing exciting in either as the flat photography, lousy story, and unmotivated direction contribute to the colossally boring pace.  There are a few moments of ridiculous violence such as a guy getting his tongue nailed into a piece of wood, another guy being split in half, and a newborn baby being thrown into a pit of fire, but these moments are surrounded by awful, cheap keyboard music playing over too many characters to keep track of who sure do a whole lot of standing around and talking.  Fulci himself appears as a gruff police detective, (badly and unconvincingly dubbed of course, as is everyone else), but you have to be fightidoorng off your eyelids closing to even notice him.

 

DOOR TO SILENCE

(1992)

Overall: MEH

 

Italian filmmaker/producer Joe D'Amato was no stranger to craptatular material so in this respect it is easy to believe that he saw something in Lucio Fulci's short story "Porte del nulla"; something to turn it into the lackluster Door to Silence, (Door Into Silence, Le porte del silenzio).  To be fair, the concept of some guy getting haunted by a hearse that seems to be carrying around his own body probably sounded much better on paper, lending some potential to being a supernatural reworking of Steven Spielberg's Duel.  Unfortunately, the resulting film is anything but.  As was sadly the case throughout most of Fulci's career, the biggest drawback is the inadequate budget which undermines what could otherwise be a more captivating idea.  Shot on location in Louisiana over an eight week period, nearly the entire movie is John Savage's protagonist driving around what seems like about a two block radius, getting out of his car, getting back into his car, talking to someone, entering a building, and other really exciting things like that.  There is virtually zero atmosphere at any interval though, with everything being shot incredibly flat and rushed, all in broad daylight.  One or two puzzling moments do eventually transpire, but the uncinematic presentation and sheer monotony of it all disguises such moments far too efficiently.

 

VOICES FROM BEYOND

(1994)

Overall: MEH

While Lucio Fulci's final theatrically released film Voices from Beyond, (Voci dal profondo), is a slight improvement over his crop of television or direct-to-video projects from the end of his career, it is still hardly a memorable horror outing.  The source material was a short story by Fulci and Danielle Stroppa which was published in the 1992 anthology collection Le lune nere, though screenwriter Piero Regnoli ended up collaborating on the script as he and Fulci had previously worked together on 1990's Demonia.  Fulci pulls off some fun nightmare sequences here, (one of which even features his trademark of slow moving zombies), but they are pretty few and far between.  This is one of about a billion stories where several shoddy relatives are bitter about the outcome of a will from a deceased financier who hardly seemed to be the world's greatest guy in the first place.  Since the audience fails to have any sympathy for him, his pleas from beyond the grave to his more understanding daughter, (the only not villain in the whole movie), produces pretty uninteresting results.  It is nice that Fulci had the means one last time to produce something occasionally atmospheric and macabre, but its enormous lack of gore and snore-inducing narrative are not likely to please.