A Ghost Story for Christmas Part Three

A VIEW FROM A HILL

(2005)

Dir - Luke Watson

Overall: MEH

 

After over two decades, A Ghost Story for Christmas returns with A View from a Hill.  The long wait for a revival should at least appease fans of the original series in the fact that it seems to pick up where it left off, adopting a still and flashless approach that is heavy on mood and deliberate pacing.  It is also of course an adaptation of another M.R. James tale as most of the 1970's BBC run was, period set and concerning a mild-mannered protagonist whose curiosity in supernatural affairs causes some unwanted shenanigans.  Director Luke Watson seems to have done his homework, offering up the kind of vintage and chilled scares that work on drawn-out dread instead of jumps or busy editing.  First time screenwriter Peter Harness' script throws in some humor early on to make the unhurried presentation go down easier, but regrettably, it fails to unsettle the bones as much as would be preferred.  It is in keeping with the previous James adaptations whereas things wrap up just as they are getting going, but there is not enough meat on this story's bones to warrant the wait.  If in the proper and forgiving mood though, viewers may find that it scratches a nostalgic itch well enough to recommend.

 

NUMBER 13

(2006)

Dir - Pier Wilkie

Overall: MEH

 

Sticking to the traditional one episode per year structure as did the original A Ghost Story for Christmas program, (until they would take sporadic breaks from here on out), Number 13 emerges as another throwback M.R. James adaptation.  Unfortunately though, it is front-to-back poor.  As far as the source material goes, it sticks to James' chosen forte of pitting unassuming scholars up against the supernatural, but director Pier Wilkie adapts an incorrect tone that seems like it is a hurry to get to its embarrassingly executed ghost activity instead of gradually building a foreboding and chill mood.  Modern day horror hacks such as scary music accommodating every would-be spooky scene robs them of the type of nerve-wracking intimacy that was usually achieved for the program.  It also has a doofy tone, where Greg Wise's antagonist is an unlikable smirking fellow and Tom Burke plays his annoying hotel neighbor who drinks and womanizes too much for the former's liking.  Also, the digital production is cheap and has none of the rustic authenticity to match its period setting.  So in other words, it makes one mistake after the other and may ward potential viewers off who were afraid that the modern day relaunch would do everything wrong that it used to do right.

 

WHISTLE AND I'LL COME TO YOU

(2010)

Dir - Andy De Emmony

Overall: MEH

 

Officially bringing M.R. James' celebrated "Whistle and I'll Come to You" into the A Ghost Story for Christmas catalog, (the originally broadcasted 1968 adaptation helped inspire the series yet was technically part of the BBC documentary strand Omnibus), this version is significantly tweaked from its source material by screenwriter Neil Cross.  This is hardly a bad thing on paper, since it differentiates itself from its popular counterpart, justifying its existence more than just being a contemporary-set retread of the exact same beats.  Also not a bad thing is John Hurt's wonderful performance as a man who has cared for his invalid wife of many decades, only recently delegating that responsibility to a rest home where he finally has the solitude to contemplate his past, morn for his vegetable-like spouse, and come to terms with the remaining years that he has left.  He chooses to do this in a remote coastline town during the off season of a hotel that he is practically the only occupant of, or so it would seem.  While director Andy De Emmony maintains an exceptional low-key mood that channels the very same tactics used by Lawrence Gordon Clark in the original series, the entire "whistling" angle is gone, leaving just a small series of arbitrary ghost activity to provide a deflating climax.

THE TRACTATE MIDDOTH

(2013)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

The first relaunched A Ghost Story for Christmas installment to be both written and directed by Mark Gatiss, (who has so far handled each duty for the program since), The Tractate Middoth is a mixed bag of sorts.  Another M.R. James adaptation which had been brought to the small screen a handful of times going back to the 1950s, Gatiss "updates" the tale to that very decade, tweaking further elements like new characters and an ending that leaves itself hanging for further malevolence to unfold.  The presentation is too pristine and digital to convey anything besides pedestrian scares, (plus it teeters on having a schlocky tone, especially where David Ryall's portrayal of a cartoonish and cackling grump is concerned), but one can still make out some channeling on Gatiss' part of the original program's director Lawrence Gordon Clark who would cut the sound during the intense bits without reverting to cheap jump scares.  Perhaps due to the compact thirty-six minute running time, this lacks the lingering pacing that enhances the suggestive spookiness in James' source material, another thing that Clark consistently delivered during the show's 1970s run.  It all makes for a glossy yet sterile watch, one that is done with love yet seems to have its tongue in its cheek when it should be taking itself more seriously.

 

THE DEAD ROOM

(2018)

Dir - Mark Gatiss

Overall: MEH

 

After a five year break and taking over the series with the traditional M.R. James reworking "The Tractate Middoth" in 2013, writer/director Mark Gatiss offered up his first original A Ghost Story for Christmas tale with The Dead Room.  Serving as a modern day reworking of the 1978 Irish short film A Child's Voice, the camp element is more pronounced than the program ever allowed in either of its incarnations, as Simon Callow plays a crotchety "back in my day" thespian who has been the bellowing voice of a horror radio program for five decades running.  In between lamenting the good ole days and scoffing at the more self-aware yarns that he is employed to read now, (mirroring the nod and a wink tone maintained by Gatiss himself), Callow also experiences random bouts of unexplained phenomena when back at his old recording studio, all of which points to a dark secret that he has lived with for some time.  Callow's silly protagonist seems to be "on" whether he is channeling his inner-hambone with the digital tape running or conversing with his humoring millennial producer, but this seems to be an intentional choice that puts the tongue in the cheek of the whole affair.  Sadly, the finale and the scare tactics are uninspired tripe, plus the presentation is farther away from the show's roots than ever.  Still, it is a charming attempt at tweaking the formula if one is in the mood for such a thing.

2000s American Horror Part Thirty-Eight

FREDDY VS. JASON

(2003)

Dir - Ronny Yu

Overall: MEH

 

Hot off his success with Bride of Chucky, Hong Kong director Ronny Yu breathes some more schlocky life into two additional and already schlocky horror properties with the inevitable crossover Freddy vs. Jason.  Coming after a near decade long wait each, this was the last entry into both the Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street franchises before the immediately forgettable reboots that came a few years later, so it is triple noteworthy for being Robert Englund's final foray as Freddy Krueger.  Englund hams it up as much as he ever did in a movie that has every business being as idiotic as it is, with Canadian stuntman Ken Kirzinger stepping in for Kane Hodder since all that is ultimately required for Jason Voorhees is to just be a big dumb walking meat sack with a machete.  Several years in the making with various script treatments being done before all of the legalities could be sussed out, it does what a Freddy versus Jason movie is supposed to do.  The bar was low enough considering the multitude of "making it up as they went along, because fuck it" sequels that came before, and this one is doubly obnoxious for adhering to the early 2000s trope of deplorably stupid teenage horror romps that insult the viewer with a nod and wink.  To be fair though, Yu knows what kind of product he is tasked with making here, delivering enough nonsensical cartoon mayhem between his two slasher icons to forgive stereotypical characters who only behave the way they do because the script needs to wrap itself up at some point.

 

IN MEMORIUM

(2005)

Dir - Amanda Gusack

Overall: MEH

 

It is a common thread amongst found footage movies to be presented in a framework that begs the question of why they were done as found footage movies in the first place.  The full-length debut In Memorium from indie filmmaker Amanda Gusack is just such a movie, since it opens with our lead character installing dozens upon dozens of cameras in a suburban house that him and his girlfriend are renting for a few months, just to make sure we get boatloads of conventional coverage to edit from.  Why they are renting one instead of just chilling at their own is never convincingly explained, but that is less of a problem compared to others.  The premise involves Erik McDowell being diagnosed with terminal cancer, so he decides to document the last few months of his life so that we can get a full-length movie out of it.  McDowell and his devoted girlfriend Johanna Watts hold their own with the material, but Levi Powell as McDowell's stoner dude brother turns in a horrendous performance, something that devalues the heavy subject matter which deals with mortality, guilt, and the struggles that adults face with the sins of their parents having affected them.  Gusack at least resists adding any scary music, but she is only able to muster the type of derivative plot points and scare tactics that have been seen countless times before and since.

 

DEAD AIR

(2009)

Dir - Corbin Bernsen

Overall: MEH

 

Actor-turned-director Corbin Bernsen has popped up in a number of horror movies throughout his career, with Dead Air serving as his only venture into the genre from behind the lens.  It is also a film that can be seen as the American Pontypool, being close enough of a carbon copy to warrant comparison.  Unfortunately. this is the cheaper and schlockier counterpart to Bruce McDonald's Canadian film from the previous year, which itself had its share of problems and was done on a meager budget.  Bernsen's work here has a low-rent, digital television sheen, one that looks like a pathetic dollar bin action movie that used to pop up in droves on Redbox.  The performances are of the same caliber, even genre mainstay Bill Moseley coming off like he is only mildly over-qualified for a high school drama production.  He is the best actor here though, which does not bode well for Kenny Yakkel's heavy-handed script that utilizes post-September 11th paranoia as its driving force.  The "zombie" outbreak is caused by terrorists, and the film almost becomes interesting in its third act when one of the culprits hijacks Moseley's radio broadcast and lays out all of the expository dialog and justifications.  Yet it just as quickly divulges into preachy platitudes, all the while the Hallmark movie aesthetics undermine any sense of tension, as well as making the rabid 28 Days Later-style zombie attacks come off as clumsy at best.

2000s Foreign Horror Part Nineteen

POLTERGAY

(2006)

Dir - Éric Lavaine

Overall: MEH

 

With a title like Poltergay, one can accurately deduce what they are in for, and the resulting film delivers lightweight and low stakes silliness, yet little else.  The debut from French filmmaker Éric Lavaine has a premise that is borderline ingenious; what if a house used to be a gay disco and it is now haunted by flaming queens who accidentally blew up in it when a foam machine short circuited?  Besides the goofy behavior of said queens and stereotypes being played up on how fashionable, good at cooking, and sharp they are as dancers, the rest of the humor resolves around straight Clovis Cornillac who seems to be the only one that can see them for awhile, losing his job, his girlfriend, and his mind in the process.  While none of the gags are obnoxious and the tone never becomes offensive, there is nothing here that is laugh out loud funny either.  It works more conceptually than anything, playing it tame the whole way through without going for any wild set pieces or trying to reinvent any haunted house motifs.  Not that it needs to be a game changer though, since for most viewers, the bare-bones set up will be enough as the film writes itself from there.

 

LONG PIGS

(2007)

Dir - Chris Power/Nathan Hynes

Overall: MEH

 

A redundant mockumentary about a cannibalistic serial killer, Long Pigs is the debut from the filmmaking duo of Chris Power and Nathan Hynes, their only co-directed full-length to date.  While there have only been a small handful of such movies where a documentary crew follows around somebody who nonchalantly murders people, the topic is so specific that yet another one coming down the pike with no differentiating qualities provides a superfluous viewing experience.  This particular reworking of The Last Horror Movie, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, and Man Bites Dog is noticeably lacking in production values, with a few unconvincing talking heads sharing screen time with Anthony Alviano's schlubby and chatty murderer that picks off anyone that looks tasty, as well as the two indie filmmakers who are following his exploits.  While the premise is inherently faulty and ridiculous from a logical standpoint, there is a moment in the final act that causes even more plausibility problems concerning how the finished product was edited together, with a tagged-on coda that the movie-within-a-movie directors could not have possibly added on.  To be fair, the film is played for dark chuckles and knows how far-fetched it is, but it still ends up being just a grisly and unnecessary entry into a niche sub-genre that has already made the same point several times over.

 

THE LOVELY BONES

(2009)

Dir - Peter Jackson

Overall: MEH

 

Hot off the monumental success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the also success of his blank check King Kong remake, Peter Jackson takes on the popular Alice Sebold novel The Lovely Bones, and he does so in a fashion that these later works adhere to.  This is to say that it is a bombastic film, loaded with artificial digital effects, tonal issues, a lack of subtly, and incessant music done by Brian Eno no less.  It is also a film about a fourteen year-old girl who gets murdered and probably raped by her seemingly mild-mannered, serial killer bachelor neighbor, and there lies the problem.  Jackson's fusing of CGI whimsy and having his central protagonist/victim narrate the film from an artificial nether realm where her mood switches it to either a Candy Land heaven or an Autumn-hued hell is not an egregious concept, and it easily seems like one which Jackson would gravitate towards.  What does not work is ill-placed comic relief, (stemming from Susan Sarandon's floozy and oddly insensitive grandma), underwritten characters, and a rushed plot that fails to delve into the harrowing ordeal that families suffer through when one of their children is taken from them.  Jackson is expert enough at his craft to stage some suspenseful moments, and his cast is A-list enough to deliver commendable performances with what they have to work with, but it feels like a bloated mess that is trying to be two different movies at once and not spending enough time delving into either of them.

The Blade Trilogy

BLADE

(1998)

Dir - Stephen Norrington

Overall: GOOD

 

Notable as the first not terrible Marvel movie, Blade was an unlikely candidate for such an honor as it was based on the Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan creation from Tomb of Dracula and not one of the flagship characters co-authored by Stan Lee.  Those movies would of course come shortly thereafter and kick the MCU into proper gear, but director Stephen Norrington and screenwriter David Goyer's reinterpretation of the character here is delivered with the right amount of B-movie gusto as to not be insulting.  We do have embarrassing digital effects, a few quips that generate a "Huh?" instead of a chuckle, glossed-over plot maneuvers, and hackneyed conveniences that are in place to move things along, but all parties involved maintain the correct schlocky tone that remembers to include humor, style, and bad-assery in equal measures.  The performances go a long way in selling such silliness, with Stephen Dorf making a charismatic smart-ass villain, N'Bushe Wright holding her own as a victim-turned-vampire-hunting-assistant, Kris Kristofferson as a cross between a Hell's Angel and Batman's Alfred, Donal Logue hamming it up as a surfer bro undead, and of course Wesley Snipes relishing in his most celebrated role as the brooding, leather-clad, silver-wielding, martial arts expert, "daywalker" title character.

 

BLADE II

(2002)

Dir - Guillermo del Toro

Overall: GOOD

 

For their second go-round with Blade II, screenwriter David Goyer, producer Peter Frankfurt, and star Wesley Snipes follow the standard sequel trajectory, maintaining the same R-rated popcorn-munching tone of the predecessor while simultaneously going bigger in its trajectory.  The death of Kris Kristofferson's Abraham Whistler is lazily retconed, but this is forgivable since he and Snipes' chemistry together still provides a touching bedrock for otherwise schlocky undead fun.  New bad guys emerge in the form of veiny, vagina-mouthed nosferatu types who are trickier to kill than the more conventionally vulnerable blood-suckers, and the plot unfolds with another secret society, an unlikely allegiance, some good ole foreseeable backstabbing, and plenty of smash-em up kung fu fights where Blade manages to keep his sunglasses on without breaking them.  Joining the fun is another international cast, including a pre-The Walking Dead Norman Reedus and director Guillermo del Toro's favorite Caucasian collaborator Ron Perlman who gets to try and out-bad-ass Snipes, with futile results of course.  The digital effects are as bad as any from the early 2000s, but the practical makeup ones are expertly realized, making the "reaper" mutants a memorable new edition.

 

BLADE: TRINITY

(2004)

Dir - David S. Goyer

Overall: MEH

The initial Blade trilogy wrapped up with Blade: Trinity, the dopiest and weakest in the series.  Production issues stemmed from Wesley Snipes being unhappy with everything from the script, to Ryan Reynolds being Ryan Reynolds, to the initial director choice, to the eventual director choice in continual screenwriter David S. Goyer.  On set tensions were infamous, with Snipes failing to corporate and even resulting to fisticuffs with Goyer, yet all of the heavy drama oddly resulted in a goofier end result than either of the two movies before it.  Snipes quips more and actually smiles, Reynolds could not take such material seriously if a loaded gun was to his head, Patton Oswalt can also not take such material seriously if a gun was to his head, and various scenes are played to tongue-in-cheek chuckles as the schlock is leaned into tenfold.  Sadly, most of these moments are groan-worthy instead of wicked awesome.  It is difficult to buy into Parker Posey of all people smirking like a bad ass while she sways in slow motion towards the camera, and the same can be said about a muscle-bound Dracula, (doubling as the lamest in cinema history), also strutting to hip hop music as he waltzes into a Goth boutique store to frown at boxes of Count Chocula.  Then Snipes takes a backseat to his own starring vehicle from the second act on, leaving plenty of room for hackneyed exposition and cartoonish digital action sequences that bombard the screen with no sense of compelling agency.

The Underworld Series

UNDERWORLD

(2003)

Dir - Len Wiseman

Overall: MEH

 

For anyone who has pondered what Charles Band would have done if he ever had more than mere pocket change to work with, the initial Underworld and its subsequent series should provide an answer.  A dark, leathery, wet, and Gothy schlock-fest with embarrassing CGI, hardly any visible colors besides muted blues and grays, Matrix-styled set pieces, pretentious and mugging performances for days, hard rock and metal music cues, plus no intentional humor within miles of the proceedings, this is aggressively juvenile nonsense.  Every character is interchangeable both physically and personality wise, and they are portrayed by actors who have zero chemistry with each other and lean into the same pompous accents, with Kate Beckinsale in the lead being the only one that steers clear of egregious scenery-chewing.  This is B-movie silliness through and through and to be fair, the creative personnel behind it know what they are delivering.  The mythos-heavy plot is only there to service "badass" monster battles, vapid dialog about regular vampires and werewolves not getting along and adhering to their ancient codes, and special effects sequences that are always dumb and never interesting.

 

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION

(2006)

Dir - Len Wiseman

Overall: WOOF

 

Director Len Wiseman and screenwriter Danny McBride continue their numbing collaboration with Underworld: Evolution.  Affording us a recap and picking up where the 2003 initial effort left off, this one is even more lifelessly blue-filtered, even more action packed, even more humorless, and even more aggressively dull.  To add insult to injury, the plot line is convoluted in its grasping-at-straws attempt to deepen its mythology.  It even throws a twin brother into the mix, showing that for only round two, they were already relying on the laziest of narrative tricks.  Whereas the first film was hare-brained enough that even a child could follow it, this one bounces all over the place, introducing more interchangeable characters leaning into their exaggerated British thespian annunciations while being perpetually wet, bloody, and leathery.  Not that you can decipher much crimson in the relentlessly ugly non-color pallet, which only breaks from its soulless blue when Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman get all hot and bothered with each other, and in the end when the sun comes out to usher in a new beginning or who gives a shit.  Essentially then, this sequel just exemplifies everything that was forgettable about its predecessor.  It really is just a hundred and six more minutes of special effects sequences wrapped around the most bland characters looking miserable.  Maybe it would help if they were not so "blue" all the time.

 

UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS

(2009)

Dir - Patrick Tatopoulos

Overall: MEH

 

As anyone can tell ya, the best way to milk a franchise is to dip into the prequel pool at some point, and the Underworld series does just that with their third installment Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.  Len Wiseman steps away from the director's chair here, not that you would notice since new guy Patric Tatopoulos maintains the exact same lifeless tone and one-note visual ugliness as his predecessor.  Complaining about these movies being exclusively blue-filtered is like complaining about Mexican food being Mexican, but they really do create a hopelessly unengaging aesthetic that never helps such a Ravenloft-esque story go anywhere interesting or fun.  Several of the actors reprise their roles here, (sans Kate Beckinsale who took the night off, good for her), and they mug and pontificate just as much as ever in the period setting which explores how the werewolf folk rose up against their blood-sucking oppressors.  The CGI still sucks, but the monster suits come off acceptable and the overall scale is impressive, even if you cannot decipher much of it with such dark, unappealing, and dizzying cinematography.  On that note, it is difficult also difficult to grasp what any fans of this franchise enjoy about it, but unless it is the fast cars and Matrix outfits, it is all still here centuries earlier in all of its miserable mayhem glory.

 

UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING

(2012)

Dir - Måns Mårlind/Björn Stein

Overall: MEH

 

A direct sequel to 2006's abysmal Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Awakening brings things back to not only modern day but actually over a decade in the future where both werewolves and vampires have been discovered by normies, and secret government agencies and scientists are trying to harness their powers because they gotta do something.  This one was plagued by countless drafts of an inadequate script, as the production went underway while various kinks were still being worked out, including the creature design and even the film's ending.  We are mostly done with pontificating immortals mugging at the camera and taking themselves too seriously, instead bringing Kate Beckinsale back to kill a lot of people in skyscrapers, all in her quest to find her old lycan fling who she had no chemistry with and oh yeah, she has a daughter now.  Comparatively, this one leans into its B-grade schlock more deliberately, with a higher emphasis on gore and physics-defying action sequences, though the franchise was always one to put battles, chases, and one-on-one duels over anything else.  It still looks awful, (all digital blue filters and embarrassingly unconvincing CGI effects), but Beckinsale ALMOST comes off like she is ALMOST enjoying herself in her Catwoman costume, flipping around and slicing and dicing up fellow monsters and humans alike.  It would be nice if she got to do this in something that was not so sterile and boring, but eh, what can ya do?

 

UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS

(2016)

Dir - Anna Foerster

Overall: MEH

The Underworld series, (to date), mercifully wraps up with Underworld: Blood Wars, another interchangeably dull installment with no distinguishing elements whatsoever.  This was the debut from television director Anna Foerster, but putting a woman behind the lens for the first time and teaming her up with new screenwriters Kyle Ward and Cory Goodman makes not an ounce of difference.  The lycan/vampire war still rages, there is still no humor, not one actor has an ounce of charisma on screen, (save maybe Charles Dance for his few brief moments), the CGI effects are still appalling, and it is still a colorless and lifeless bore from front to back.  Kate Beckinsale gets to wear a white fur coat for a few seconds, but that is about it.  There have been many monster mash yarns over the years that drop the ball by various means, but none of them have gone on this long with such persistently anti-fun results.  By taking themselves so seriously, rushing through hackneyed and insipid exposition, and bombarding the screen with monochrome "spectacle", one is annoyed, disinterested, and exhausted before the obligatory opening narration even wraps up.  It has been almost a decade now since things were better left alone, so let us hope that there are no future filmmakers with any Underworld nostalgia out there who will resurrect such drivel.

2000s American Horror Part Thirty-Seven

WILLARD
(2003)
Dir - Glen Morgan
Overall: MEH

Remaking a lousy movie sounds like a good idea on paper since there is at least a chance that it can be done better, and in most respects, the 2003 reinterpretation of Willard is more agreeable than its oddball predecessor.  This is not to say that writer/director Glen Morgan's loose take on Stephen Gilbert's 1968 novel Ratman's Notebooks does not carve out its own brand of quirkiness, since any story about a neurotic Norman Bates type who talks to, befriends, controls, and ultimately runs afoul with a barrage of rodents must inherently play up its eccentricities.  On that note, Crispin Glover rises to the occasion in a role that he was born to play, giving the title character the type of crippling awkwardness that warrants his free fall into madness.  He is never intimidating or even that funny, but he is always pathetic and sad, plus Glover's tearful aloofness manages to get the audience on his side.  R. Lee Ermy is also ideally cast as the Ernest Borgnine odious boss from the original, but Laura Elena Harring's would-be love interest is wasted in an underwritten and ultimately useless role.  Elsewhere, the rats behave arbitrarily and sometimes they are rendered with unconvincing CGI, but these are minor grievances since the focus is rightfully on its doomed protagonist who is so pitiful, isolated, and lacking in confidence that he finds his only solace in creatures that everyone else instinctively attacks and "eeeks" at.  The movie is hardly necessary and has nothing in the way of clever or suspenseful set pieces, but Glover and Ermy still manage to nail the assignment.

 

BLOOD TEA AND RED STRING

(2006)

Dir - Christiane Cegavske
Overall: GOOD

Thirteen years in the making, Blood Tea and Red String emerged from stop-motion filmmaker Christiane Cegavske as a beautifully-realized fairy tale that examines humanity's inherently self-defeating nature via woodland critter.  Void of dialog, it pits the Creatures Who Dwell Under the Oak, (a combination of rodent and bird), against aristocratic mice and a spider with a humanoid face, all of whom seem compulsively drawn to a life-sized doll and resort to desperate measure in order to obtain it.  While certain parties are portrayed as more benevolent than others, they each forgo composure and moral duty in order to bogart their object of affection, which ultimately leaves all of them void of the prize.  Cegayske fills the simple fable with wonderful details, and the entire setting breathes persistent motion and life, helped by an ambient sound design as well as Mark Growden Renaissance-era music.  Much can be read into the story itself since the lack of words welcomes the viewer to interpret everything at their leisure, but the surreal journey remains fascinating, occasionally brutal, and lovingly portrayed by Cegayske as a testament to retro stop-motion animation and fantasy storytelling.

 

THE HOLE

(2009)

Dir - Joe Dante

Overall: MEH

Arriving a month before his interactive webseries Splatter and three years after his second Masters of Horror installment, Joe Dante returns to full-length horror with The Hole, doubling as his first 3D feature.  On paper at least, it is nice to see Dante back behind the lens, indulging himself in the genre that made him famous and bringing Bruce Dern along with him in a minor part, as well as an nonspeaking Dick Miller in an even more minor part.  The novelty of such familiar genre icons being back in the game wears off quickly though since the production here is anything but impressive.  Sticking to the cheap, TV aesthetic of his aforementioned Masters of Horror episodes, the film looks like a CW program with its attractive cast, cookie-cutter/small town setting, and a jaunty musical score that jives adorably with Dante's usual penchant for lighthearted comedic quips and grisly set pieces.  While this is tonally in keeping with the director's long-established shtick, the presentation is watered-down and generic, lacking the laugh-out-loud humor and innovative horror aspects of his best efforts.  Instead, it is just cutesy, dull, and hackneyed, with a story about a hole in a suburban house that unlocks peoples fears and ergo gives way to a creepy killer doll, a little girl with zombie make-up on, and a final set piece that looks like a D-rent variation of Dante's "It's a Good Life" segment from Twilight Zone: The Movie.

2000s American Horror Part Thirty-Six

THE CONVENT
(2000)
Dir - Mike Mendez
Overall: WOOF

An unwatchably obnoxious Night of the Demons knock-off, The Convent is the type of jacked-up horror comedy that goes so hard in slamming home a barrage of cliches that it forgets to make any of them anything but torturous.  For far too long now, anything in the slasher vein has to set up its unlikable characters so that we can cheer for their bloody demise, but director Mike Mendez and screenwriter Chaton Anderson take these wretched dipshits to a level that is unforgivable.  Horny frat bros, a bimbo in a cheerleader costume, a Goth chick, said Goth chick's ex-best friend who is now trying to fit in with the cool kids, a white drug dealer who talks like he is not white, a dork getting hazed, prissy Satanists, a slut Satanist, Bill Moseley and (mostly) Coolie randomly chewing the scenery as cops; everyone on screen is both a lazy stereotype and the worst human being you can imagine.  Adrienne Barbeau eventually collects an easy paycheck about fifty minutes in and is the only person on screen with any semblance of likeability, but the film has more problems than just how stupid, cheap, hackneyed, and annoying it is. Namely, it breaks the one rule of comedy, meaning that it is light years away from being funny, yet it tries way, way too hard with a grating sense of reckless abandon.

 

TRAPPED ASHES

(2006)

Dir - Sean S. Cunningham/Joe Dante/Monte Hellman/Ken Russell/John Gaeta

Overall: MEH

Similarly in line with Mick Garris' Masters of Horror series from Showtime, Trapped Ashes brings together a handful of directors, (some renowned, some not), into an anthology setting with cheap, sleazy, though occasionally fetching results.  The first full-length from screenwriter Dennis Bartok, he throws in an endless stream of familiar genre and cinephile references, and even offers up an alternative reality story about Stanley Kubrick pawning off a succubus vampire witch on his best friend.  Joe Dante doing the wrap-around segment, (and throwing in Henry Gibson as the Crypt Keeper stand-in, plus a non-speaking cameo from Dick Miller because of course), should be enough to get the attention of horror fans, but Ken Russell helming "The Girl with Golden Breasts" about blood-sucking fake tits and appearing as a transvestite doctor in it himself will be what most viewer's will remember/scratch their heads at.  Sean S. Cunningham's Japanese-set "Jibaku" is passable, Monte Hellman's "Stanley's Girlfriend" gives John Saxon a solid chance to stretch his chops, and special effects man John Gaeta gets his first crack behind the lens on the oddball ""My Twin, the Worm".  The overall production is B-grade at best, the special effects are caca, nudity is shoehorned into each entry, and they all vary in tone, but some of it is goofy enough to enjoy.

HOUSE OF THE WOLF MAN

(2009)

Dir - Eben McGarr

Overall: WOOF

It is always unfortunate to shit on a movie like Eben McGarr's House of the Wolf Man, something that was clearly made with love and took every available technical and budgetary care to deliver a proper homage for its nostalgia-craved target audience.  As should be obvious, this is a Universal monster-mash throwback that was shot in black and white and in full-frame, with accurate cinematography, music, and production values that at least give individual frames the proper old timey allusion.  Not every aspect is accurately conveyed to go full 1940s Hollywood B-picture though.  For one, the pacing is way off, with slowly delivered dialog that does not in any way recall the rapid-fire delivery system of cranked-out studio movies from the bygone era.  It takes over an hour for any monsters to show up, (another major strike), and the title Wolf Man and Frankenstein creature are more ferocious and gnarly than Universal ever allowed, which is fine except that it misses the mark on the retro execution.  By far the biggest issue besides the labored plot is the insufferable performances.  Everyone on screen awkwardly embarrasses themselves, no more than Lon Chaney's great-grandson Ron Chaney in the lead, who may be the worst actor that ever lived.  The whole affair is a damn shame since the things that it gets OK are dwarfed by its blunders.

2000s British Horror Part Eleven

THE FALL OF THE LOUSE OF USHER

(2002)

Dir - Ken Russell
Overall: MEH

The last solo full-length from Ken Russell, The Fall of the Louse of Usher is a bizarrely self-aware act of indulgence that was filmed on a digital camera in the director's own home with just a small handful of friends and James Johnston from Gallon Drunk helping out.  It is Russell's version of Stephen Sayadian's 1989 avant-garde head-scratcher Dr. Caligari, made for no money and with a random assortment of cheap costumes, props, and set design, except done with all of the laughably ridiculous gusto and over-acting that the filmmaker's more celebrated works are known for.  Russell himself plays Caligari with a German accent, meanwhile everyone else besides Johnston speaks like they are doing an impression of either a Southern belle or a pompous British madame.  The works of Edgar Allan Poe are referenced left and right, with a particularity hilarious moment occurring where Johnston is strapped down, given a concerning amount of Viagra, and then coerced into singing lest a pendulum slice his increasingly growing dong off.  Scenes like this make up the entire film which barely has a plot and is more a series of juvenile and nonsensical gags done in the most garishly cheap manner possible.  The songs are terrible, the acting worse, and the whole thing has a level of production that is one grade below a couple of six year olds running around with their dad's camcorder, but it is a good, (bad), amount of fun for those who are in the mood for Russell's eccentricities done on a Z-grade scale.

 

SUNSHINE

(2007)

Dir - Danny Boyle

Overall: MEH

 

For their second collaboration following 28 Day Later, the writer/director team of Alex Garland and Danny Boyle switch to sci-fi and follow so many well-worn narrative tropes that one just wishes that the Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker team was on board to take the piss out of them.  Instead, Sunshine plays to the genre's formulaic weaknesses without any nods or winks, taking itself seriously as a high-octane outer space thriller that looks good, sounds good, is acted good, and is also instantly forgettable.  We have a lot of familiar faces here, (Cillian Murphy, Chris Evans, Michelle Yeoh, Hiroyuki Sanada, Rose Byrne, Cliff Curtis, and Benedict Wong), and they are all charismatic enough thespians to elevate yet another plot where rugged astronauts venture into the cosmos on a dangerous mission to save the Earth, while running out of oxygen and receiving a concerning distress signal.  Some other stuff happens that touches upon everything from Solaris, to Alien, to Event Horizon, and it eventually turns into a cat and mouse horror film of sorts, with action scenes that are edited to smithereens and ergo impossible to decipher.  Characters have emotional breakdowns, they argue with each other, they make sacrifices, and little of it is bound to leave anyone on the edge of their seat.  If it borrowed less from so many playbooks, explored less pedestrian ideas, and/or actually threw in some humor somewhere, then it could warrant its existence as something more than just a special effects Twinkie.

 

FLICK

(2008)

Dir - David Howard

Overall: MEH

The lone theatrical full-length from television director David Howard, Flick is an ultra-low-budget zombie revenge romp that is exclusively goofy while overcompensating with tacky digital effects and a flashy style that exceeds its meager means.  Cheapo movies that are not shot on film usually have an unmistakably cruddy aesthetic, and none of this is hidden by any of the bold filters, Dutch angles, swipes, comic book panel transitions, and inadequate CGI.  That said, Howard maintains a comedic tone and only a comedic tone, so its inherent tackiness is leaned into  This is fitting for a story about a dweebish 50s Teddy Boy with a bad stutter who went on a bloody rampage in his youth, only to come back to life decades later as a "fish out of water" revenant hellbent on vengeance.  Said lead antagonist is not only nicknamed "Flick", but he also uses a flick knife to kill his now senior citizen-aged victims, which is a convenient coincidence.  Faye Dunaway is inexplicably in this, and cynical viewers can proclaim "oh how the mighty have fallen" to their heart's content, but the once lauded actor does seem to be enjoying herself as a one-armed Southern police detective who is taking the silly material as seriously as it deserves, meaning not at all.  Despite Howard's noble ambitions, nothing actually funny happens, plus the pacing stagnates here or there with lengthy monologues.  Even if Dunaway is delivering those monologues with a panache that has not been depleted even in scale paycheck jobs like this, it is still a mediocre yuck-fest at best.

2000s Foreign Horror Part Eighteen

ANATOMY

(2000)

Dir - Stefan Ruzowitzky

Overall: WOOF

 

Austrian filmmaker Stefan Ruzowitzky does his own mostly embarrassing take on turn of the century horror films with Anatomy, (Anatomie).  We have attractive college-age adults doing attractive college-age adult things, some hip soundtrack choices, and groan-worthy and flirtations dialog to appease a post-Scream audience looking for fast-paced, quippy schlock with some torture porn additives.  Sadly there are plenty of other hackneyed tropes sprinkled around as well, like law enforcement officials not taking anyone seriously, our main protagonist Franka Potente trying to uncover a mystery that the audience is already privy to, and a slasher-esque third act that undermines the inherent creepiness of a clandestine and occult surgery butcher organization.  In other words, it throws in many elements that seem to be doing battle with each other in order to have something for everyone, becoming an inevitable mess in the process.  If Ruzowitzky went for a more subtle approach so that both the viewer and Potente were left in the dark, at least the trek to get to the silly finale would have been more atmospheric and unsettling.  Instead, this just comes off as a competently made and good-looking bit of stupidity.

 

EDEN LOG

(2007)

Dir - Franck Vestiel

Overall: MEH

 

An ambitious yet largely unwatchable debut from French filmmaker Franck Vestiel, Eden Log throws a guy into a pitch black cave and spends the next merciless one-hundred odd minutes watching him try to escape.  If this sounds like an interesting jumping-off point, it is, but things quickly settle into a sluggish endurance test for the audience once we realize that the horrendous and exclusively hand-held cinematography is going to render much of the visuals indecipherable.  This is a shame since some of those visuals are impressive, (solid and mucky monster makeup, sets that look more expansive than they are, some tar-like gore), but even though the movie is practically in black and white, oppressive atmosphere is sacrificed for grainy, shaky, and ugly shots after shots.  On top of that, we have a narrative with barely enough meat on its bones to carry a short film through, let alone one that is longer than an hour and a half.  It concerns some soft of dystopian future where an underground facility is trying to harvest tree sap that turns people into mutants or whatever, (plus some stuff about immigrant initiation and fascist authoritarianism), but Vestiel structures everything with a video game trajectory that probably only had a chance of being fun if it was played instead of tolerated.  On that note, the dialog is worse than what is commonly found in video games and all of it appears to be ADRed, but this is an ugly mess first and foremost with a story that is unwavering in its dour insignificance.

 

DAYBREAKERS

(2009)

Dir - Michael Spierig/Peter Spierig

Overall: MEH

The sibling filmmaking duo of Michael and Peter Spierig follow-up their goofy zombie action romp Undead with a different form of undead as subject matter, namely vampires in Daybreakers.  An American/Australian co-production that scored heavyweights Ethan Hawke, Sam Neill, and Willem Dafoe, it has a big budget sheen for such knowingly B-movie material, with oodles of terrible CGI effects, flat green filters used for the interiors and night scenes and earthy ones used for the outside country ones, plus some car chases, solid monster makeup, explosions, and artillery showcases.  Plot wise, every beat can be predicted from miles away as it follows the bog standard structure of ragtag underdogs up against an authoritarian regime with the help of one of the unwilling participants of such a regime.  On the plus side, the premise is a clever enough subversion where blood-suckers are the ones who have taken over the globe and the humans are the ones on the run to stop such a militant bureaucratic stranglehold.  It works as an allegory for mankind depleting their own resources, and the Spierig brothers maintain a surprisingly somber tone for such schlocky material, at least until the finale when the big guns literally come out and the one-note characterizations rear their dopey heads.

2000s Asian Horror Part Twenty-Six

INUGAMI

(2001)

Dir - Masato Harada

Overall: MEH

Though it underplays its horror elements and goes for an out-of-time folkloric aura to its contemporary and isolated setting, writer/director Masato Harada's Inugami gets lost in its details and overstays its welcome.  An adaptation of Masako Bando's novel which features haunted woods, a dog god and/or some form of dog spirits, a family curse, incest, babies getting switched at birth, ghosts, a woman growing younger as she becomes romantically involved with an out-of-towner, angry villagers, rituals, and a major who brags about killing nine-hundred and ninety-nine animals, there is clearly too much going on.  Unfortunately, the drama suffered by a barrage of charters never becomes compelling despite some dedicated and often amped-up performances.  This is simply, (or confusingly), because the more layers that get revealed, the more exhausting the experience is.  Harada makes some stylistic choices that are interesting on paper, (a whole sequence filmed in black and white, characters telling stories about their past that are shown on screen in the same shot as them, some artful sex scenes, a rare and digitally-enhanced supernatural moment that arrives abruptly about an hour in, etc), but it all becomes too bloated to stay invested in.

INNER SENSES

(2002)

Dir - Law Chi-leung

Overall: MEH

 

Hong Kong filmmaker Law Chi-leung takes on some heady yet ultimately formulaic psychological spookshow terrain with Inner Senses, (Yee dou hung gaan).  Gradually shifting its focus between one character to another, we are presented with two different individuals who are susceptible to supernatural torment via their own debilitating traumatic hangups.  Karena Lam is a shy recluse who felt neglected by her parents to the point where she developed her own crippling sense of non-existent self-esteem, while her psychiatrist Leslie Cheung seems to offer a calm and level-headed means of support, only he also suffers from his less than ideal past which only come to the surface once his patient/now girlfriend seems to finally have her own issues under control.  The pacing is unhurried, and long portions go by without any horror movie trappings whatsoever.  While this fleshes out the characters plenty and makes Cheung's eventual personality transformation less sudden than it would otherwise appear, the whole thing still results in a melodramatic and simple-minded watch.  There are also loud and insultingly obnoxious violin screeches early on whenever the unwanted specters show up, and overall the genre elements are hackneyed at best.  Still, Lam and Cheung are likeable and turn in sufficient performances for what it is worth.

 

COMING SOON

(2008)

Dir - Sophon Sakdapisit

Overall: WOOF

 

A moronic hack job from screenwriter-turned-first-time-director Sophon Sakdapisit, Coming Soon, (Program na winyan akat), barrels through its lazy vengeful spirit cliches in a consistently uninspired manner.  This is a film that is loaded with clever ideas...that were only clever the first time they were done in better movies and not so much in such a cherry-picked setting as done so here.  We have a psyche-out "movie within a movie" opening scene, characters witnessing inexplicable supernatural events and keeping them to themselves, the obligatory visit to a remote village to uncover the diabolical mystery, a twist that a six year-old could see coming, boatloads of blaring violin swells on the soundtrack whenever characters are slowly investigating dark areas and/or whenever ghosts pop up to go "boo", and even a lone sequence where the main protagonist gets stuck in a time loop for no reason that is ever remotely set up or explained.  The characters seem miserable and are played by actors who are putting in enough effort to nab a paycheck and hit all of the bog standard emotional beats, but the abysmal results are hardly their fault.  Sakdapisit has crafted a horror movie for horror fans, but his lack of frightening ideas and inability to deliver them in any unique fashion renders this a sure-fire waste of time.

2000s Asian Horror Part Twenty-Five

ISOLA
(2000)
Dir - Toshiyuki Mizutani
Overall: MEH

While it boats an interesting premise, Toshiyuki Mizutani's Isola, (ISOLA Taju-jinkaku Shojo, ISOLA - Multiple Personality Girl), struggles to gain its footing and delivers lackluster results.  Set during the immediate aftermath of the Great Hanshin earthquake, it throws a benevolent woman with ESP up against a young girl whose body gets possessed by a troubled spirit that was left in an astral projection state during the tragedy.  It takes ages to flesh-out all of the details and the comparatively more interesting first act gives way to a cumbersome plot full of characters that range from bland to unlikable.  It is fine performance wise, plus Mizutani peppers the film with orchestral musical swells and one or two freaky scenes where assholes are forced to kill themselves via gruesome means due to the psychic influence of our antagonist.  Otherwise though, the pacing is persistently unhurried and the finale likewise has no sense of urgency to it.  Some lousy digital effects, (because early 2000s), do not help much either, but with its formulaic and schlock-less presentation, it still fails to click.

 

OTOGIRISOU
(2001)
Dir - Ten Shimoyama
Overall: WOOF

 

An adaptation of Shukei Nagasaka's visual novel game Otogirisō, Otogirisou, (St. John's Wort), is the first horror film from director Ten Shimoyama and also a terrible one.  It suffers both stylistically and narratively, which leaves nothing else to appreciate.  Right from the get-go, the presentation is off-putting since we have a couple of video game developers creating a story around one of them recently inheriting a haunted house, footage of which is filmed and sent back to said game devs in real time even as things grow more convoluted.  At the same time though, Shimoyama breaks up the plot and shows everyone alive and well, rewinding certain events, and making some sort of hybrid experience that is part choose-your-own-adventure and part straight-faced horror movie.  The story endlessly drags though, plus we are treated to minutes and minutes of our two main characters slowly, (slooooowwwlllyyy), walking into rooms where the camera lingers on the nothing that happens to them.  That is when the cinematography is not going all over the place and cheap digital effects, pixelations, and artificial color distortions are not making the already poorly-shot visuals that much more obscured.  The filmmakers deserve credit for trying something unique, but the results are unwatchable.

LIVING DEATH

(2009)

Dir - Lee Yong-ju

Overall: MEH

This debut and the to-date only horror film from South Korean writer/director Lee Yong-ju Living Death, (Possessed, Distrust Hell, Bulshinjiok), weaves through its formulaic trappings with a sincere hand, but it still fails to be properly engaging.  Part of this is due to the confused structure.  Large portions of the heavy narrative are told in flashback, but they are often done so without any cinematic cues as to when we are back on the present track.  Coupled with this, things become more and more convoluted, dealing with characters who may or may not be ghosts, a missing thirteen year-old that is either possessed by evil spirits or is some kind of savior for humanity, (or both, or neither), an off-her-rocker Christian zealot of a mother, a sinister shaman, a frustrated police detective with his own set of baggage, and a barrage of "suicides" that range from people jumping off of buildings to poisoning themselves so that they can vomit to death.  Tone wise, Lee keeps things dour and flashless, though he still indulges in those annoying volume swells and the occasional jump scare.  Sadly, the heavy subject matter and adequate performances get overwhelmed by a story that cannot seem to make up its mind as to what themes it is actually exploring, becoming a mild mess of brooding atmosphere more than something that one can really sink their teeth into.

2000s American Horror Part Thirty-Five

THE GRUDGE

(2004)

Dir - Takashi Shimizu

Overall: MEH

After four Ju-on entries in his native Japan, filmmaker Takashi Shimizu was tasked with the inevitable American remake from Sam Raimi's production company Ghost House Pictures, here simply titled The Grudge.  Garnishing a recently Buffy-free Sarah Michell Gellar in the lead as well as a slew of other recognizable faces to varying degrees, (including Ted Raimi, Grace Zabriskie, William Mapother, Clea DuVall, Ryo Ishibashi, and Bill Pullman who should always be in more movies), it is a slicker production than its counterparts from across the Pacific and is the first not to be penned by Shimizu himself.  Stephen Susco's script sticks to the previously established bullet points and adds a couple of fresh set pieces, but the entire film seems to be oddly stuck in an unenthusiastic haze.  The performances come off as phoned-in, the franchise's disjointed narrative structure is not broken into chapters this time and is ergo more off-putting than interesting, and the Westernized approach lacks the eerie subtly that Shimizu had become adept at delivering.  Instead, the movie is only creepy on paper, with stock scary music, stock jump scares, crappy CGI effects, and no sense of paranormal urgency to an already over-trotted story.

SOMEBODY HELP ME

(2007)

Dir - Chris Stokes

Overall: WOOF

The novelty of a horror film premiering on BET of all places quickly wears off when viewing the atrocious Somebody Help Me; easily one of the most insultingly lazy and embarrassing horror movies of the entire decade.  Written and directed by record executive filmmaker Chris Stokes, all of the details would render this a Scary Movie-styled parody, with a stunning amount of braindead narrative cliches, dialog, performances, and scare tactics that are all played stunningly straight.  The first act is cringey enough, with several young couples throwing a birthday party for one of their friends who all act like caricatures out of a non-threatening hip hop video or a white executive's version of a commercial that is aimed at urban America.  Once some generic, mask-wearing psycho starts picking them all off with implausible ease, we are then treated to torture porn segments, characters endlessly debating if they should stay put, leave, or look for their friends some more, and even a little girl on a swing who sings "Ring Around the Rosey" for Christ's sake.  There are too many other nauseatingly hack details to mention and never once does Stokes present his bombardment of formulaic tripe as anything unique, fun, suspenseful, or even tongue in cheek.  It is movies like this that make people who hate horror movies be 100% correct in their opinion.

THE NEW DAUGHTER

(2009)

Dir - Luis Berdejo

Overall: MEH

A formulaic and uninspired horror movie that is about as scary as an expired pack of spearmint gum, The New Daughter doubles as a dud follow-up to Swing Vote for star Kevin Costner.  The full-length debut from Spanish filmmaker Luiso Berdejo, it adapts John Connolly's novel of the same name which has a handful of familiar trappings that are served up without any flare or intrigue.  A single parent moving into a giant old house in the country with a brat teenage daughter who hates everything about such an arrangement, Native American mysticism about a chosen one, a folklore expert with a British accent, a kid starting a new school in a small town who immediately come in contact with a bully, stock screechy monster noises, a frustrated dad who literally googles "crazy daughter" and "bad parenting", and of course a cockamamie, supernatural scheme that takes its sweet ass time for no reason besides stretching the movie out until at least the ninety minute mark.  Costner is reliably solid in the lead, plus actor Ivana Baquero and composer Javier Navarrete, (both of whom did lauded work in Guillermo del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth), are appreciated, but the story and presentation here is too pedestrian to remember, even mere moments after the credits roll.