(2003)
Dir - Pål Øie
Overall: WOOF
Beginning as a rather atmospheric, be it familiar set up of a bunch of people venturing into the woods with no cell phones under mysterious motives, Pål Øie's Dark Woods increasingly morphs into a gargantuan offender of many of the worst horror botches. The script is ludicrously illogical. This is one of those movies where unmistakably creepy things keep happening to people usually when they are alone, only for them to go right about their business while never uttering a word to anyone about the very concerning shit they just experienced. Hearing weird noises or maybe even thinking you saw something for a split second in the middle of the night is one thing, but being strangled in a tent and having things thrown at you while tied up and then completely forgetting about it and going "oh hey, wanna have a smoke and a giggle?" when one of your friends arrives is just insulting. Yet Dark Woods fares even worse when for almost the entire movie it is very explicitly laid out that one of the main protagonists has a disturbing, hidden agenda only to have that go absolutely nowhere and unveil a "twist" so moronic that it nearly turns the entire spectacle into an unintentional comedy. With such an idiot-proof premise as this, it is almost impressive how badly they fucked it all up. Almost.
(2005)
Dir - Billy O'Brien
Overall: MEH
Rather disgusting and graphic for those not desensitized to the down and dirty chores of veterinary and farm life, Billy O'Brien's directorial debut Isolation is not for everyone's tastes. Parasitic horror is a common enough sub-genre if we are to place Isolation in such a box and it is given a particular enough setting here with a very small group of characters and as basic of a plot as you can possibly have. O'Brien structures his film very much like a horror movie, with music that could only fit such a thing liberally placed throughout, a handful of boo scares, and as mentioned, plenty of blood and ickyness. The cast is sound with one exception being Marcel Iureş who seems very out of place with an exaggerated, schlocky performance. The ending is a bit underwhelming too, with a lazy chase scene and a pretty predictable final tag. Now back to the grossness. One can definitely do without seeing a cow get a hand shoved up its ass multiple times and then witness an entire calf-birthing process, both in generous detail with squishy sound effects to boot. Though even if you can stomach such things, there really is not that much to offer here to make it worth one's time.
(2009)
Dir - Eric Tessier
Overall: MEH
Based off the novel of the same name, 5150 Elm's Way, (5150, rue des ormes), stretches its premise too far to work. There is a fine line ridden here to make it plausible and it would succeed if not for the frequent coincidences and plot holes that make up a generous amount of the details. This is another kidnapping scenario where multiple, multiple opportunities arise where the victim probably should have escaped and by the time the last act is underway, the script is trying desperately to explain why it is still going on. The use of dream sequences and hallucinations would persuade us, but they seem more horror genre pandering than anything else. In a way, you can root for the film since it is competently acted and keeps things dark and serious throughout its duration. The righteous religious themes certainly are not unique, but they do provide the movie with an interesting avenue to explore. Still, it is aggravating to witness so many things that are only happening to make the movie last to a feature length. The ending tips everything over where it is sadly just not possible to swallow the pill we are presented with. It is a noble attempt yes, but also an unintentional clusterfuck as well.
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