2000's American Horror Shorts

DOOM HOUSE
(2003)
Dir - Kevin Bowen/Richard Kyanka
Overall: MEH

A rare "movie" from Richard Kyanka of Something Awful fame, Doom House is an intentionally no budget parody of bad horror films, itself far worse than anything it is overtly taking the piss out of.  Made up of relentlessly bad cinematography and continuity errors, it crams as many haunted house cliches as it can muster into its fifteen-minute running time.  While the overtly ridiculous nature is occasionally amusing, (anything trying this hard is bound to be worth a chuckle or two), sadly one of the bad movie tropes it also takes on is tedious pacing.  All the amateur-hour quirks beating you over the head withstanding, it still gets pretty boring pretty quick.  For something meant to be as deliberately dumb as humanly possible though, it certainly has that going for it so one cannot really complain with the results.

 

9

(2005)

Dir - Shane Acker

Overall: GOOD

 

The third short film by animator Shane Acker, (who had worked on The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King), 9 was impressive enough to be nominated for an Academy Award and garnish the interest of Tim Burton who produced the full-length version which was released four years later.  Several years in production itself during his stint at UCLA, 9 presents a dark yet cleverly designed post apocalyptic world where robotic cat/spider monsters seem to be hunting rag dolls for some undisclosed, soul-draining purpose.  In its roughly eleven minute running time here, it comes off as more of a teaser for the eventually made feature.  This gives it an ambiguous nature, though not one that suffers due to it.  The short works best as a visual showpiece for Acker, though the themes that it merely teases are intriguing enough to enhance its fantastical tone.

 

THE AMAZING SCREW-ON HEAD

(2006)

Dir - Mike Mignola

Overall: GOOD

A one-shot comic book adapted into a not-picked-up pilot for the Sci-Fi Channel, it is a shame that Hellboy creator Mike Mignola's The Amazing Screw-On Head never went anywhere further than this.  Scripted by Mignola and prolific television writer Bryan Fuller, (Hannibal, Heroes, American Gods, numerous Star Treks), and staring Patton Oswalt, Paul Giamatti, Molly Shannon, and David Hyde Pierce, it crams vampires, zombies, robots, demigod monsters, werewolves, an evil monkey, a hero dog, and, of course, Abraham Lincoln all into its brisk, twenty-two minute length.  There is enough backstory here to properly engage as a teaser and it is consistently hilarious, leisurely making fun of its ridiculous premise while simultaneously pretending to be a serious, multi-layered saga.  This might be all we'll get, but its minute, singular nature is the only complaint one can have with it.

THE HORRIBLY SLOW MURDERER WITH THE EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT WEAPON

(2008)

Dir - Richard Gale

Overall: GOOD

 

Kicking off a series of short films which inspired four sequels and one as yet to go into production feature length, The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon is a pretty amusing one-note gag.  Made by filmmaker Richard Gale, (who also narrates it in his best movie announcer voice), it is a ten minute long mock-trailer that drags out the ridiculous premise to a pretty well-executed degree.  Just when it becomes stagnant, the joke just keeps pushing further.  Once it promises to be over nine hours in length and claims to have been filmed over several years and multiple continents, (twenty-two days and only in California actually), the tie-in with how utterly horrible such a fate would be is rather convincingly conveyed.  Whether or not multiple, further entries were necessary is debatable, but as a one-off spoof, it is rather delightful.

 

SEBASTIAN'S VOODOO

(2008)

Dir - Jaoquin Baldwin

Overall: GOOD

 

This UCLA film project from Paraguay-born animator Jaoquin Baldwin is elementary in premise yet quite effective in execution.  A series of voodoo dolls awake to discover tthat they are all being suspended on hooks with a creepy, shirtless guy sticking needles in them until they become lifeless by getting pinned in the heart.  Baldwin and composer Nick Fevola manage to jointly create a tense atmosphere in so brief a running time and it is even a bit heartwarming, (no pun intended), in the final, heroic moments concerning our sympathetic and rather adorable doll friend.  It is then understandable that Disney came a-calling for Baldwin as Sebastian's Voodoo shows some solid skill in crafting something dark yet ultimately uplifting.