(1980)
Dir - Roger Spottiswoode
Overall: MEH
Former Sam Peckinpah editor Roger Spottiswoode's debut as director was an intentional "Halloween on a train" rip-off, very appropriately called Terror Train. Anything that you could find intriguing about the claustrophobic premise quickly derails, (har, har), into being a pretty dull, tripe experience. Though it is not necessarily a problem to know exactly who the killer is before the opening credits even hit, it does rather waste our time when the movie is trying to force a twist on us with a red herring that obviously is going nowhere. Being a deliberate imitation VEHICLE, (more har, har), the movie goes through the motions with a revenge-seeking killer in a mask, shitty, unsympathetic horndog college kids who get picked off, and Jamie Lee Curtis (two years after Halloween and two months after shooting Prom Night), once again as the final girl. The killer in question is also a lanky, normally built dude who of course miraculously has superhuman strength and stamina and continues to not be dead when characters of course again continue to assume he is. So, pretty basic stuff. On the more amusing angle though, both Vanity and David Copperfield of all people have supporting roles and even the most casual Prince or magic fan can get a kick out of seeing them briefly in a horror movie, even if it is a rather generic one.
(1986)
Dir - Steve Miner
Overall: MEH
Things grow a bit witless in Steve Miner's initial House, which spawned three sequels all in the same silly vein. Producing a solid horror comedy can be a delicate tightrope act and both the more serious elements to Ethan Wiley's screenplay plus the intended funny ones fail to hit their mark. Essentially, the movie is too goofy and lighthearted for its would-be harrowing elements to work, such as the loss of a child, a marriage falling apart, and a traumatic Vietnam experience. When emotional moments do transpire, they seem out of place what with all the rubber puppets flying around and near slapsticky set pieces. Said practical effect monsters do look rather satisfying, (particularly a zombified soldier and a giant, flying bat skull), and a long encounter with a fat, dismembered demon in a dress that will not stay "dead" is somewhat of a hoot. The pacing is not really kept up though as it takes too long for anything really to happen and once it does, it kind of just becomes a three ring circus act of creatures showing up whenever the plot wants them to and our main protagonist, (a feminine v-neck sweater wearing William Katt), dodging them in mostly comical ways. As is often the case, more deliberate humor in place of forced drama or a complete 180 into something resembling a very seriously spooky, evil dimensional portal haunted house story could have done the trick far better.
(1988)
Dir - David DeCoteau
Overall: MEH
There may not be a more "1980s exploitation cinema" movie title than Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. Made on a unmistakably minuscule budget, shot in twelve days in a bowling alley during after hours, and wrapped up in time to squeeze one more movie out of it with the same cast and crew, (Nightmare Sisters), this would almost be exactly what you would expect. "Almost" because only the worst predictable elements of B-grade schlock are present instead of ALL of the predictable elements. The acting is as amateur-hour as you could imagine, the plot is brainless, there is a near insulting lack of gore, and most of the kill scenes simply happen off camera. When horror stuff does transpire on screen, the cinematography is so poor, (apparently they could not afford to turn any lights on in the location they were using), that you cannot make out what you are even looking at, if anything. While naked boobs obviously show up, you would be wrong to predict that they are on display every four minutes or so to keep the viewer's attention. It is mostly just a bunch of people terribly delivering their lines while running around in the dark for over an hour. All of this said though, the star of the film is really an adorable little Imp puppet, (voiced hilariously by punk musician and fantastically named Dukey Flyswatter), who steals every scene he is in. The movie is still pretty much a waste of time though.
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