(1981)
Dir - Eric Weston
Overall: MEH
A somewhat amusing, "Satanic panic" wet dream for any overly zealous, Christian housewife at the turn of the 1980s who thought the devil was real and corrupting America's youth, Evilspeak is shamelessly brimful of absurdity. Loaded with every unholy as well as "bullies picking on dweebs" cliche in the book, it also throws in the ridiculous notion that a computer can converse with demonic spirits and even spout some one-bit, early videogame graphics of pentagrams, demonic faces, and fire. Silly stuff in every conceivable fashion. It is also a bit too unpleasant at times. While taking the movie seriously enough to make Clint Howard's pathetic protagonist sympathetic, the flip-side of that is that the barrage of scenes involving horrendous douchebags endlessly torturing him, (and very unnecessarily murder his adorable puppy), becomes a miserable chore to sit through. By the time the hellish, over the top finale hits, you are rather more exhausted with how goofy and nasty it all is than rooting for the evil forces that get the last laugh.
(1985)
Dir - Lewis Teague
Overall: GOOD
Serving as both Stephen King's second screenplay adaptation from his own previously published works as well as director Lewis Teague's second film based off of one of the famed authors books, (Cujo being the first), Cat's Eye is a partly light-hearted, party dark presentation. King's stories are often strongest overall when they are condensed to a short story format and "Quitters Inc." and "The Ledge" from the Night Shift collection of such stories, (most of which are excellent), work wonderfully here. The recognizable cast is fun with James Woods and Alan King particularly enjoying themselves in the opening "Quitters Inc." segment. Though a ten year old Drew Barrymore shows up in each story, she does not become the main protagonist until the final one "General" which incidentally is both the weakest of the three and the only one that was written specifically by King for the film. Still for an anthology horror outing, nothing comes off weak here as King was in one of his better, less cocaine-fueled phases. Though to be fair, having a house cat engage in epic battle with a doll-sized troll that magically comes out of the wall to steal kids breath while they sleep easily qualifies as something drugs would have probably played a part in concocting.
(1987)
Dir - Deborah Brock
Overall: WOOF
What in the goddamn fuck is this shit? For whatever preposterous reason, Deborah Brock styled her sequel to the highly mundane Slumber Party Massacre as a hopelessly sloppy musical, (yes, you read that right), that also pathetically tries to be Nightmare on Elm Street at the same time. The tone problems are astronomical here. High school girls who look like they are in their mid 30s have a band, (because sure why not?), that smile, sway, and terribly mime their terrible songs before easily the worst horror movie villain in the history of space and time shows up whenever he wants and then not really being there whenever he wants as well. The movie does not bother setting up any logic to ignore let alone to follow. Then all of a sudden people are getting murdered for real, (maybe?), before Andrew Freddie Dice Elvis Crooger literally breaks the forth wall and starts singing and dancing while fake laughing, shredding on his guitar-drill bit weapon, and cracking himself up with lines like "Hey baby, light my fire" and "I can't get no...satisfaction" which is legitimately sickening to even type here. Meanwhile, all of the other characters are being parodies of valley girls and jarheads while screaming for their dear life. Forgoing the boring, textbook slasher route would seem like a wise move yes, but this is honestly so humiliatingly bad that you actually crave something more like the completely unmemorable first one to get the rotten taste out of your everything.
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