(1981)
Dir - Howard R. Cohen
Overall: WOOF
The only thing really worse than a horror movie with no scares is a comedy with no laughs. Writer/director Howard R. Cohen's debut Saturday the 14th rather miraculously pulls off dropping the ball in such a way where both genres are concerned. Produced by Julie Corman and staring husband and wife team Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss, the movie plays a one-note, would-be gag of a family not noticing that their house is overrun by an endless stream of supernatural occurrences and creatures. Except when they do notice it, no one believes them, they convince themselves they were dreaming, or just do not say anything to anyone for no decipherable reason. While it spoofs a random hodgepodge of horror tropes, Cohen's particular style of humor is groan-inducing in its simplicity. Jokes are attempted at an aggressive rate, but they all rely on both the audience and the characters to be operating at the lowest possible brain capacity. Even the makeup and costume designs are as D-rent as you would expect and provide probably the only chuckles in the whole film, be it of the unintended variety. It all gets old before it even gets going and though it is a brisk seventy-six minutes in length, one is likely to wish it was seventy-six minutes shorter.
(1983)
Dir - Jackie Kong
Overall: MEH
The filmmaking debut from a fresh out of college Jackie Kong, The Being has some mild references to the comedic hallmarks apparent in her future work. That said, one could hardly mistake this as coming from the same person who brought us Blood Diner. Made in 1981 though it did not see a release until two years later, it is a cheap monster movie from top to bottom yet also one that somehow snagged Martin Landau, Dorothy Malone, and José Ferrer. In typical fashion, said monster looks pretty unconvincing and is primarily kept off screen until the last twenty minutes, though it comes off as more effective when lurking in heavy shadows and in close-ups. The film is largely unremarkable to look at as Kong this early in her career does not showcase a keen eye for visuals or pacing for that matter. Featuring poorly-lit, standard shot construction coupled with the highly generic story line and uninteresting characters, there is very little present to keep the viewer's thoughts from persistently drifting. Other amatuerish qualities such as an abandoned narration track halfway through help make it more of an unorthodox curiosity really. Though incidental music is used sparingly, this unfortunately does not create an engaging, suspenseful atmosphere either, as perhaps was intended. Commendable maybe as a first try, but quite forgettable all the same.
(1985)
Dir - Luca Bercovici
Overall: MEH
Somehow, actor-turned-director Luca Bercovici's behind the lens debut manages to be both camp-fueled and boring at the same time. Though it was part of the tiny monster boom that began with the previous year's Gremlins, (and went into production around the same time), Ghoulies hardly emphasizes such mini-creatures. They instead appear more as an afterthought, showing up halfway through the movie and ultimately only attacking about two characters. It is more of an occult film really and a botched one at that. The premise is quite simple, but the story breaks its own rules frequently and is hardly that interesting to begin with. Though it stickily adheres to a very silly tone, most of the characters are more obnoxious than funny, which makes the persistent over-acting something which fails to deliver its intended chuckles. On paper, summoning small puppet demons and two midgets, having your eyes glow green while you yell demonic chants, and resurrecting your dead and equally demonic dad who wants to kiss you to suck out all your life-force or something should be far more of a hoot that this. At least Jack Nance makes a small appearance and narrates occasionally so there is that.
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