2013 Horror Part Five

IN FEAR

Dir - Jeremy Lovering
Overall: MEH

One of the more frustrating horror debuts in recent times, Jeremy Lovering's In Fear gradually blows a compelling set-up and premise with a whole lot of logical problems.  It is a hefty irritation that so many films in this genre continually, time after time, make the exact same mistakes.  This film more than dips its toes in this continually present problem both with a slew of absurd decisions its main characters make and an enormous level of disbelieve that is expected of us to accept where the bad guy's behavior, motivation, and abilities are concerned.  Lovering wisely yet not wisely enough builds up our trust with a very well done, gradual state of dread which makes it possible to assume that the film exists in a more realistic world than it ultimately does.  By the end though, far too many moments do not add up and seem incredibly far-fetched as well as incompetently presented.  If you are looking for one of those horror movies you can get aggravated at going "how is that possible?" or "no one would do that, ever" then sadly this is not schlocky enough to be enjoyable in said context.  Instead, it has excellent potential as a minimally set, severely creepy slow-boil piece, but then degenerates due to the script's unfeasible specifics.

OCULUS
Dir - Mike Flanagan
Overall: GOOD

Mike Flanagan is quickly becoming one of the most prolific filmmakers as of late, particularly in the horror camp.  He made three such movies in 2016 alone and is perhaps unfortunately about to unleash yet another adaptation of The Haunting, this time as a miniseries for Netflix.  His first full-length Absentia was very solid and thankfully  Oculus likewise delivers.  Based off his own short film Oculus: Chapter 3 - The Man with the Plan, this one admittingly makes a few mistakes here or there.  Brenton Thwaites is somewhat miscast as he distractedly looks too much like a Disney princess to take seriously.  There is also a "here's some expository dialog all at once" scene that rides the line of being a bit too convenient and silly.  Unfortunately, the main characters keep the supernatural episodes they repeatedly witness from each other as well, yet another all-too-common, obnoxious horror trope.  Still, the film ultimately goes in a bold direction, taking some effective, nightmarish chances.  The results are appropriately nerve-wracking and spooky and as opposed to many other genre films of its kind, Flanagan actually lands the ending quite well.

BILOCATION
Dir - Mari Asato
Overall: MEH

There are times when holding the audiences hand during your movie's profuse twists and turns becomes something borderline comical and Mari Asato does this methodically in Bilocation.  Based off Haruka Hojo's novel of the same name, it starts rather eye-brow raising and silly, but then grows almost impressive in how "let's make sure the viewer is 100% caught up" it becomes.  At one point, a character whose name may as well have been Mr. Expository Dialog Man looks at the main character after posing a riddle and proclaims "Figured it out?  That riddle...is for you to solve."  In case it is not already elementary-style clear, said main character acts as the viewer themselves.  This stylistic route taken by Asato is by no means a work of pure ingenuity, (Japanese horror in particular is often prone to such spoon-feeding), but it is the defining factor from the experience.  As far as anything creepy or unsettling transpiring, the movie unfortunately comes up empty handed.  It does offer up some compelling conflicts and posed a satisfying if not laboriously persistent take on the doppelgänger mythos, but it is a bit too distracting in its dumbed-down, frightless approach.

2013 Horror Part Four

ENEMY
Dir - Denis Villeneuve
Overall: GREAT

By a knowingly broad, somewhat overreaching definition, Denis Villeneuve's adaptation of José Saramago novel The Double is a horror-ish movie.  Canadian Villeneuve has been hitting the big time as of late, working with A-listers and taking on the Blade Runner and Dune franchises now.  Enemy was a ways into his career and his second film in a row to feature Jake Gyllenhaal.  Though it was critically appreciated like pretty much all of Villeneuve's works have been, it has slipped a bit under the radar in the realm of "WTF" movies.  There is plenty to talk about here but that is really only if you are having a discussion with someone who has seen it already.  Javier Gullón's screenplay spells nothing out in plain English, but the mindfuck that the film is stays consistently interesting as opposed to pretentiously aggravating.  Clues are all over the place, (none of which seem haphazardly put there to make film-goers endlessly chaise their tales), with musical and visual cues signifying when things are more sinister than they appear.  Repeated viewings will reap rewards in this case and the slow, surreal, and challenging pace makes it quite psychologically pleasing to say the least.

DARK TOUCH
Dir - Marina de Van
Overall: MEH

Another "little girl with evil powers" movie, French filmmaker Marina de Van's Dark Touch is rather unremarkable.  It comes down to insipid specifics that apparently seem unavoidable when children are your protagonists.  Eight-year-old Niamh, (which is Irish for "Neve", judging by everyone in the movie pronouncing it that way), is traumatized and quiet with everyone, which makes her that creepy kid that all the other kids make disapproving glares at.  Because her abilities are what they are and manifest the way that they do, it is very, very difficult to find it interesting to see this yet again in a horror story.  By comparison, there have been hundreds if not thousands of slasher movies and even more ghost stories endlessly told yes, but the premise here just hits too many exact points to be absorbing.  Making matters worse, the final act is not sufficiently built-up and comes off as very random and unfocused.  Throw in a few other questionable choices, (how do two kids in the same town stay missing for days when Niamh goes missing and gets located almost immediately and isn't it illegal to film those bathtub scenes?), and you get a hefty pile of scripted errors.  Both Stephen King adaptations Firestarter and obviously Carrie are two other films that play the same sport and are worth one's time far more if we were to choose.

MAMA
Dir - Andrés Muschietti
Overall: MEH

Another largely disappointing horror film with Guillermo del Toro's name attached in executive producer form is Andrés Muschietti's debut Mama.  Sure there is one really good scene in it, (involving some playful spookiness), the cast is admirable, (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau from Game of Thrones and Jessica Chastain are always a good idea), and the initial premise is fine, but the ball is dropped nearly everywhere else.  Obnoxious sound design and startlingly poor visual effects usually do not thwart a film by themselves, but they come as close as possible here.  With such issues in place, it is not to Muschietti's benefit that the ending almost beats you in the head with said problems.  When most horror movies build up to the make-or-break finale then, this one was simply doomed.  Though the more overarching setback largely lies in the film's staleness as a safe, genre excursion as well as too many million-to-one details that only lazily-written fiction partakes of.  Imaginary friends, identical twins, mental asylums, digging up dead bones, major plot points coming via dreams, and so on and so on.  None of that stuff is horrible, but everything else going on had to be of a much higher caliber to give this a pass.

2016 Horror Part Four

THE NEON DEMON
Dir - Nicolas Winding Refn
Overall: MEH

As impressive and pretty as Natasha Braier's cinematography is in Nicolas Winding Refn's latest The Neon Demon, (all shots act like a stylish, flashy LA painting habitating someone's roofied dreamspace), everything else going on has a thick cloud of "huh?" hanging all over it.  Which is refreshing when a filmmaker leaves you guessing for most of the run time, barely if at all supplying you with any clear cut answers.  At just shy of two-hours though, it proves problematic to garnish much interest for such un-fleshed out characters.  Cartoonishly narcissistic or just downright nasty people repeatedly pop up and the randomness is not limited to the plot.  Per example, what the hell are Christina Hendricks and more especially Keanu Reeves barely even doing here?  Throughout the whole, Refn's point or lack-thereof seems to be absent from the party.  As a nasty, nihilistic horror film, this frustratingly reveals itself and ultimately botches its would-be creepy premise by its own forced pretentiousness.

I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE
Dir - Oz Perkins
Overall: WOOF

A strong contender for the most boring movie ever made, I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives In the House is actor-turned-director Osgood Perkins second feature and it is a very different kind of bad from most lousy horror movies.  Understandably, it can be precarious when constructing your film as a slow-boil exercise and Perkins goes so far overboard into tedious terrain that it becomes exasperating.  Shot in only one location with virtually one actor, everything that transpires does so at a molasses-oozing pace, where all the stylistic touches prove a disservice.  The music constantly tells us when spooky things are happening and Ruth Wilson's on-going narration grows monotonous far quicker than it should, if it even should at all.  Her character's odd-ball, "aaaannyyy-who" eccentricities coupled with the claustrophobic setting and deliberate pace work very much against each other.  The ending seems like it will never come and also due to our fruitless narration, it was pre-determined almost immediately.  We know who is doomed and we know there are ghosts, but this information is dragged along tortuously for, (only), eighty-eight minutes, far past the point of being the least bit compelling.  Sadly, it is not an engaging story weighed down by an unsuitable approach; it is a barely there story overwhelmed by a refusal to appear anything close to inviting as a film experience.

THE SHALLOWS
Dir - Jaume Collet-Serra
Overall: MEH

Yet another lackluster effort from director aume Collet-Serra, The Shallows has a moderately idiot-proof concept of Blake Lively barely dressed and barely able to survive a shark attack for ninety-minutes.  Regrettably though, all of the attempts made to make her character intriguing come off as film-script-by-numbers laziness.  Of course screenwriters need to present their protagonists with a backstory and motivation for us to sympathize with them, but sometimes it is so obviously done that never once does it feel like you are not watching a movie.  The "hey look, everybody's overcoming their issues and being a stronger person a year later" coda further exemplifies this.  Which is perfectly OK as the film assuredly has its place among others like it and can scarcely be considered a bonafide disaster simply because it utilizes conventional such conventional narrative structures.  As fluently suspenseful, popcorn fare, it does not elevate the thriller genre in any real capacity, but it also does not attempt to in the first place and therefor can be taken or left, depending on the viewer of course.

2016 Horror Part Three

SPLIT
Dir - M. Night Shyamalan
Overall: MEH

Many times, (lets face it, almost every time), certain details in M. Night Shyamalan's films come off as silly and distracting, yet they usually succeed in a pure emotional context.  This takes center stage with Split.  The premise here challenges the movie-goer to once again give a shit about someone with multiple personality disorder, which so many authors take great delight with not only endlessly utilizing, but also making as unrealistic as possible, hence entertaining.  Shyamalan actually does this rather well, considering how overdone the basis of the plot is.  Always a good director if not a frustratingly uneven writer, Shyamalan is helped very much by James McAvoy's performance which rides a razor thin line of NOT becoming too ridiculous to lose investment in.  The fault here does not fall on anything insulting to the viewers intelligence, (Signs, The Village), or pure idiocy, (The Happening), but rather stretching the story a bit too long.  A half-hour give or take could have been shaved off to make it more effective and tight.  The final act arrives and then writhes along to a point where other elements begin to seem too far fetched and messy.  Yet as is the director's most genuine trait, it is moving and heartfelt enough to agree with.

A DARK SONG
Dir - Liam Gavin
Overall: GREAT

A Dark Song is the debut from Liam Gavin and it is arguably one of the most impressive horror films in recent memory.  Way more serious detail is devoted to the sinister, occult arts than usual in this film, but better still is the straight-forward dread that Gavin manages to convey.  Slowly and confidentiality, the movie becomes more and more terrifying by the frame, held together by the minimal setting and very grounded performances from its two leads in Catherine Walker and Steve Oram.  The score is likewise foolproof; one that barely qualifies as "music" most of the time which is exactly what this movie needs.  It is quite rare for a horror film to be so effectively creepy while utilizing the genre's would-be detriments wholly to its advantage.  At the same time, the movie balances serious themes by shining a light on emotionally crippling, all-consuming grief in human beings that can both horrifyingly and in this case, even exquisitely manifest itself.  Powerful and intensely spooky, this is a modern benchmark to be sure.

THE EYES OF MY MOTHER
Dir - Nicolas Pesce
Overall: GOOD

The debut of Nicolas Pesce is a film whose premise and execution are both equally wonderful in their unease.  Several things happen in The Eyes of My Mother that any non-psychotic viewer would have no interest whatsoever in seeing, but actually, most of these things remain literally unseen.  A black and white, beautifully shot, and brisk seventy-seven minute long vehicle into insanity, the movie is captivatingly uncomfortable, playing most of its cards intelligently.  If there are any lapses of logic to point out, they are minute, unimportant details which do not necessarily deserve a pass mind you since too many of such a thing can take one out of the experience.  Yet the sorrowful mood is so fascinating and terrifying that it is highly impressive that Pesce can construct such a technically simple story around an equally pathetic and unsympathetic lunatic of a protagonist without any questions arising that make the movie appear inept.  It certainly is not that, but certainly is something unique and challenging.

Random George A. Romero - In Memoriam

February 4th, 1940 - July 16th, 2017

Another undeniable horror icon has died, this time the father of the modern zombie film George A. Romero from lung cancer at the age of seventy-seven.  Romero directed seventeen feature length movies over just shy of five decades, nearly every one of them in the horror genre.  A Pittsburgh native who also attained Canadian citizenship later in life, Romero shot most of his work in and around his hometown, utilizing family and friends with help behind and onscreen on multiple occasions.  He was an independent filmmaker whose debut Night of the Living Dead unknowingly changed horror cinema permanently and remains one of the genres most paramount works.  Few horror movies are more important historically and fewer still are any better.  One of the only others that comes close is Romero's own sequel Dawn of the Dead, which is just as beloved and legendary still.  The man could have died from lung cancer having just made those two iconic films and his legacy would still be staggeringly important.

To get some of the negative honesty briefly out of the way though, Romero was far from a flawless filmmaker.  His last three works in the Dead franchise, (also the last three films he ever made), are unfortunately incredibly poor for various reasons.  Overdone, misguided, and confused, the director's usually present social commentary was a detriment to these last few movies, whereas it was an intellectually pleasing component to his earlier ones.  Also the zombie reassurance in popular culture was in full swing at this point, (playing a major role in Romero reviving said franchise to begin with no doubt), and certainly for me at least, I was also burned out on it which did not help any.

At least he kept Sex Machine around.  As he should.

I find occasional missteps earlier in Romero's filmography here or there as well, (I'm not a fan of The Crazies, per example), but he also made the masterpiece Martin and several other fun, gory romps throughout the years.  So even when not turning the horror film on its ass and forever redefining what the genre could do, in general and by average, he was damn good at what he did and he did a good, impressive amount.

Upon hearing of his passing to that great, big shopping mall full of the dead in the sky, I immediately set out to watch/re-watch some of his films I was less familiar with.  Essays have been written endlessly as to the significance and excellence of Night of and Dawn of the Dead, but I wanted to look at some of his early 80s-early 90s collaborations and adaptations that certainly merit discussion.  If not for their cultural significance, then just because they by-and-large were enjoyable horror movies.  Which ultimately was what George was most interested in giving us.  I appreciate that profoundly and fully recognize the man as one of the absolute finest horror filmmakers we will ever have.  Cheers good sir.  May you walk the earth once more and feast on human flesh at your leisure...

CREEPSHOW
(1982)
Overall: GREAT

Both a tribute to the horror books of EC Comics and therefore a pre-curser to the Tales from the Crypt HBO series which debuted seven years later, George Romero and Stephen King's joint effort Creepshow is good, nostalgic fun.  An equal level of wicked disturbingness and joy can be found particularly in the "Father's Day" and "Something to Tide You Over" segments, particularly the combination of drowning and being buried alive in the latter by Frank Drebin himself Leslie Nielsen.  The rest of the movie follows the anthology horror rule perfectly, as in some of the stories are stronger than others.  "The Crate" is the weakest since the monkey monster has not aged particularly well, (pretty much looking like a child in a Halloween costume), followed close by "The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill", but at least that one is wrapped up pretty quickly and has a hilarious country bumpkin performance from King himself.  The pace of the entire film is quite perfect, as Romero and King keep it equally silly and gruesome throughout, never venturing too far in either direction.  As a comedy, this easily seems like the most all-out fun Romero ever had making a movie.  Another horror rule also applies in that Creepshow was sequeled out, each time getting a little to a lot less memorable.  Certainly the best for first in this case.

MONKEY SHINES
(1988)
Overall: MEH

A fairly unfortunate and flawed adaptation of Michael Stewart's novel of the same name, Monkey Shines was George Romero's first non-independent film, thought he still shot it in Pennsylvania as usual.  The fact that it seems both overlong and rushed is in large part due to Orion studio's interference with the finished product, which supposedly cut nearly half of the footage Romero shot from his lengthy, more in depth script.  It is sadly noticeable, where several steps forward in the plot seem to spring up out of nowhere and numerous character arcs appear sloppy.  At the same time though, hardly anything really exciting happens for much of the film and when it finally does get to the final act, the camp value appears to be amped up more than it should.  Then again, the film does have kind of a silly premise, though still an interesting one.  But when your main "monster" is a tiny little helper monkey, it is rather a labored task to make it menacing.  The studio also forced Romero into a groan-worthy "happy ending", not at all the director's style.  To his credit though, Romero's original intention could have perhaps made the end product more compelling.  Plenty of interesting ideas work here without the tone being all over the place, so it is certainly worth a gander.

THE DARK HALF
(1993)
Overall: MEH

Somewhere in between some of the best and worst Stephen King film adaptations is George Romero's second collaboration with the ill-fated Orion Pictures in The Dark Half.  Yet again shot in Pennsylvania and written for the screen by Romero, Half was shelved for two years before Orion had the promotion budget to release it, where it more or less came and went without much of a bang.  Which kind of makes sense after watching it, regrettably.  Most of the problems lie in the story itself, (yay, another author protagonist!), which is not one of King's most original or interesting ideas.  Timothy Hutton's duel role is amusing, but it is difficult to decipher if he intended to do a spot-on Michael Keaton impression or not, which gives his bad guy performance perhaps an accidentally hilarious quality.  The movie is plenty gory, (which is something Romero is reliable at delivering, even without his trusted sidekick Tom Savini for this go-around), but it is also very dull in the scares department.  There are several "GOTCHA!" jumps and "people doing dumb shit in horror movies" moments, making it a bit too cliche of a vehicle for Romero.  Still, the director was long-past re-inventing the wheel at this point, so this is fundamentally an innocent, average horror outing with some redeemable moments.

2016 Horror Part Two

BEYOND THE GATES

Dir - Jackson Stewart

Overall: MEH   

Jackson Stewart's silly throwback Beyond the Gates deservingly garnishes the same complaints that other such movies do.  Namely, the nostalgia-for-nostalgia's sake presentation the fuses an overtly goofy premise with retro aesthetics and clashing tonal issues.  Campy horror does have its place of course, but when it is in a movie that features serious character arcs that are completely pointless to the camp, (and ultimately take screen time away from more over-the-top goofiness that could be on screen), it is a matter of trying to have its cake and eat it too.  Trying to have realistic characters with relatable problems with a concept such as a 1980s video board game coming to life with details like a cartoon character creep straight out of a Goosebumps episode operating an all-things-occult store too, is just insultingly dumb.  Barbara Crampton's welcomed return to genre cinema deserves better material than this, that is for damn sure.

THE ALCHEMIST COOKBOOK
Dir - Joel Potrykus
Overall: GREAT

One of the more inspiring horror/comedy/whatever outings in recent memory is Michigan-based filmmaker Joel Potrykus third offering The Alchemist Cookbook.  Minimally and entirely shot in the woods with a barely two person cast, most of what unfolds on screen seems improvised and one would be hard pressed to spot any typical, overdone genre staples.  The slow-boil approach is taken here which can be tricky to pull off, even more so when almost just Tysheeb Hickson is onscreen nearly 100% of the time and never ventures too far from his living quarters.  Hickson's performance as a man suffering from a mental breakdown where his eccentric and erratic behavior is as funny as it is increasingly unnerving to watch, is fantastic though.  Better still, there is something else going on in those woods that becomes increasingly unnerving to watch and listen to.  The sound design in this film is outstanding and the small number of "those" moments deliver on every level of horror movie enjoyment.  What Potrykus and his tiny crew and cast accomplish with such minuscule ingredients here without any need to shoot it as yet another hand-held-camera film, is very, very admirable.  This is the kind of outside the box thinking and execution that the horror genre more than any other can benefit from.

UNDER THE SHADOW
Dir - Babak Anvari
Overall: MEH

What differentiates Iranian Babak Anvari's feature length debut Under the Shadow from other "stressed out mother protecting her daughter from supernatural forces" type fare is essentially the specifics of the premise and setting.  That setting being the Iran-Iraq War, namely the War of the Cities period of air raids regularly bombarding various urban areas.  The cast is caught right up in all of this and similarly to how most people watch haunted house films while getting aggravated and thinking aloud "leave the house already", such is the case here even with no evil specters interfering with their sleeping schedule.  The bombs are enough to convince one to leave or so one would think.  Anvari gets away with crafting kind of enough of a backstory and motivation to keep his characters where they are and keep them tolerating what they tolerate, but there sure is a whole lot that has been incredibly played out at this point here.  This inclues but is not limited to far too many boo scares, imaginary "friends", a kid with a doll, nightmares that seem real, the main protagonist possibly just going crazy, a sinister fairy tale, and a "this ain't over yet" ending.  The movie never derails itself though and keeps it together in the final act, so it gets a competent if still predictable pass.

Wonder Woman

WONDER WOMAN
(2017)
Dir - Patty Jenkins
Overall: MEH

As has been the case a few times before in recent memory, a sequel of sorts, (or a prequel in this case, doubling as the forth entry of DC's cinematic universe), appears to be more pleasing than it is.  This of course is based heavily on the "quality" of the installments that came before it.  Wonder Woman follows Man of Steel which most people loathed, Batman V Superman which EVERYBODY loathed, and Suicide Squad which this here reviewer could not even stomach to sit all the way through, (brave as we were, me, my wife, and a buddy of mine managed to hit the fifty-one minute mark only).  You go into Wonder Woman with those films as its predecessors and the bar is set so very low that simply seeing a competent, Point A to Point B script will suffice.

This is pretty much what WW delivered.  As opposed to Suicide Squad and BvS, (yes I will be comparing these films to each other often, as DC is insisting we must), this here movie actually felt like a movie and not forty-five movie executives sitting around a huge table tweaking every nook and cranny of their property for maximum audience appeal.  To the best of my knowledge, the only re-shoots that took place here were due to Gal Gadot being five months pregnant at one point and understandably, a waiting period to wrap it up was a logical move.  Yet it at least felt like no test audiences were quizzed time and again, coupled with DC having their nervous little brains firing at all hours of the night trying to make their franchise as witty and enthralling as Marvel's, all with less than half the time and effort spent on it.

Still the winning team.  Suck it DC!

Wonder Woman in fact seems like a genuine, old fashioned movie with a story to tell.  There is a brief intro and outro setting up that it exists in the same world where Bruce Wayne found an old timey picture of her, then a long origin story, then some fish-out-of-water stuffs, (as a Goddess amongst the world of men for the first time, this is necessary to depict), then an inner-challenge to overcome, then a CGI-exploding fight to the death.  All the proper pieces in place.  No part of Wonder Woman seemed messy and little seemed forced to make it something it should not be.  It was a competent superhero movie from front to back, playing all the rules to a tee in pretty much every frame.

So all that being the case, I kept asking the question throughout if I was actually enjoying myself while watching this.  And if I constantly have to ask, one could argue that the answer is probably not a positive one.  What I realized very clearly is that all the safe, appropriate, superhero movie stuffs that is all dependably interwoven into this genre by this day and age was in fact most of the stuff I did not like about Wonder Woman.

Linda Carter must be spinning in her grave.  Or dueting with Tom Jones.  Either/or.

The modern, blockbuster Hollywood film has long surpassed the two-hour mark now and Wonder Woman is not an exception.  For the first time though that I can remember while sitting in the theater, I really felt it.  I could not help but be very bored during all the island of Themyscira stuff, with Diana's elders talking about her true destiny being kept from her, the dangers of war and men, the history of their gods and peoples, all the honor and duty that comes with it, etc.  These are the backstories and ideals that make many a superhero and it has been in Wonder Woman's comic book DNA for decades upon decades.  So why did I have such a problem with sitting through it finally with a character that should have had her own movie made much sooner ago than this?

The answer I would reckon is what year this is and how long we have been getting used to so many, many superhero films as moviegoers.  Simply put, we have seen all this before, just not with Wonder Woman.  So, is it enough that this time the female, Amazonian comic book character is the one we are watching on screen for the first time in her own staring vehicle?  Many people, (comic book dorks like myself included), seem to say, sure, why not and they are probably right.  For a lot of people, this is enough.  Shit, for most people even the fact that this was not a shot for shot remake of BvS is enough.

Never forget.

I have said this before on this blog, but I really do want to keep my expectations a little higher for this genre of film.  Yet it not limited to the origin part of the experience.  With that chunk being what it was, by the time we got to the meat of WW, I was already waiting for it to be over.  Sure the middle of the movie did have the better fight scenes and the most humor that worked, but that was already like an hour and a half in.  Once the ending battle was upon us though was when I really started to get seriously peeved at something else.

Along with the always annoying lack of color in these movies which may as well go full black and white by this point, the dialog in the finale was the other part of WW that definitely made it fit in Batman V Superman land.  Saying "I believe in love" right before delivering a super duper, deluxe CGI laser blast to the chest of thine enemy is a moment that is as laughable as an "Aw shucks, both our mom's are named Martha" one.  Also, you actually could have taken all of Ares dialog once he revealed himself and swapped it for another baddie in pick-any-other comic book movie and it would have seemed 100% in character and in place.  Am I bitching about this kind of shit being phoned-in and by the books?  Yes.  Yes I am doing that.

The most colorful moment of the film right here.  Not exaggerating.

Speaking of textbook villains, we once again have Danny Huston as the only thing he ever seems to get cast as, this time as a Naz...sorry, I mean World War I General Erich Ludendorff.  He is so very evil-German-man that Stephen Spielberg may as well have handcrafted his performance.  There is a moment where he and his crazy, mad scientist partner Doctor Poison, (comic book characters sure have silly names don't they?), manically laugh at how "terrible" their hydrogen-based gas weapon is once it is proven successful in a lab.  All while loud, "bad guys doing bad guys stuff" music blares and the camera pans back from them.  Unless this was meant to be intentional, Batman & Robin-esque schlock, pretty sure the filmmakers fucked up a wee bit there.

Also, did it strike anyone else as rather funny, (*cough* embarrassing *cough*), that when Diana was at her lowest point in her punchy/throwing tanks fight with Ares that the one thing that made her scream in anger, rise up, and realize that the plot needed her to epiphanize her awesomeness was the death of that man with the pretty eyes who kissed her earlier?  Even in a film about and named after the most iconic female superhero of all time, leave it to a dashing man to truly show her the way.  Yay feminism!

Chris Pine you ole dreamboat you.

This is all harmless nitpicking though, to be fare.  Lame, one-dimensional villains, hokey dialog, and a muted color pallet to the point of "why bother shooting in color to begin with?" are all sadly the norm now.  As is the film's running time.  As is the computer generated-ness, even in a 1918-set period piece for this here go around.  Yet should any of this stuff be taken for granted and just dealt with because superhero movies nine times out of ten seem to follow the same rules?  If dough, tomato sauce, and cheese are what every pizza is made out of and someone keeps eating pizza who does not like dough, tomato sauce, and cheese and keeps bitching about how it tastes like it did last time, should that person stop being a doo-doo head and just enjoy his fucking pizza already?  Sorry, I had pizza for dinner while writing this.  Moving on.

None of my problems with Wonder Woman made me angry in the least, (Batman V Superman took care of those emotions).  Even fewer here made me utterly baffled, (which is where Suicide Squad comes in).  Instead, I yawned a handful of times, got restless in my seat, and innocently enjoyed most of what I was seeing.  Yet the pessimistic feelings I had towards it were a shame really.  A shame that it took until 2017 for christ sake for a beloved, incredibly popular comic book character, (who happens to NOT be a man), to get her own full length movie.  Twenty years ago with the exact same plot and execution, this movie could have been a game changer.  Yet coming out when it has, it is simply very competent and very better than the other films the same company that made it have recently produced.  That is the best you can say about it and the most fair assessment it deserves.  Wonder Woman certainly deserves better circumstances, if not necessarily a better film.

Up next, the three and a half hour music video for "We Are Family", "Holding Out for a Hero", "We Are the Champions", "We Will Rock You", "My Hero", "Let's Get It Started", "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger", "Raw Power", "Heroes", "I Need A Hero", "Superbowl Shuffle", "YMCA", "All My Exes Live In Texas"......