A MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE MOVIE - PRACTICAL FAN-CASTING
Figured that it is long overdue to post something that is actually nerdy on a blog with the word "Nerd" in its title. So because fan-casting is such a staple that goes back to before comic book movies were churned out in droves and we would all argue over who would make the best on-screen Captain Planet, what better waste of my time than a post about who should play Prince Adam and the other Masters of the Universe? That is a rhetorical question. You need not answer it.
As any nerd who grew up in the 1980s may or may not be aware, a Masters of the Universe cinematic reboot has been in a "I'll believe it when I see it" development hell stance since, well, since the infamous Cannon movie ended with Frank Langella emerging from a pink swimming pool to proclaim, (falsely as it would turn out), that he would "be back". And with that, the post-credit sequence was solidified. Clearly, this particular Cannon movie did more bad then good.
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| It is entirely this scene's fault that I cannot leave a theater until the lights turn back on. |
Yet EVERYONE should be aware that last year, a little film about a girl's doll called Barbie was released and it went on to prove that A) people still want to see movies at the theater B) it made all of the money in doing so and C) it even won some Oscars. True story; Mattel owns Barbie. True story also; Mattel owns He-Man.
Where am I going with this long-winded intro that no one is going to ready anyway? Well, considering that nobody has been able to figure out how to bring a property like Masters of the Universe back to any live action form, (we have had several cartoon relaunches though, because drawing things like Modulok and Sssqueeze is presumably easier and cheaper than making them be actors), it now seems as good a time as any for producers who like money to start putting some teams together to ride that Barbie train for all that it is worth. Granted, the only thing that He-Man and Barbie have in common besides their hair color is the fact that the same corporation owns their likenesses, but still, Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach's hit film has shown us that movies based on toys can be a whole lot better than some Battleships out there that shall continue to remain nameless.
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| SPOILERS: More on this lovable and shirtless heartthrob soon. |
On that note, it is paramount in discussing that Barbie's actual quality has more to do with it having a team behind it with a vision, as opposed to simply a bunch of businessmen in Zoom meetings trying to maximize whatever brands they have at their disposal. Gerwig and Baumbach offered up a distinct take on a household name property; they had drive and they had that "vision". When and if an actual MOTU movie gets made, we can only hope that the money folks behind it have taken the correct lesson from Barbie. It is not that people will shower your film with praise and the dollary-doos at the multiplex just because they recognize the brand; they will only do that if the film is actually good. And you make it good by having creative voices behind it who have something legitimate to say. Sure, a musclebound gay icon in wool underwear having CGI sword fights against a blue guy with a skull face is silly business anyway that you slice it, but so is a plastic doll for girls that lives in Malibu and likes the color pink. The point is, the path has been laid.
As far as making a "practical" dream cast, the logic is thus; sometimes one's fantasy is that much more tasty if it is rooted in a semblance of reality. We all wanna punch fred durst, (I'm not capitalizing his name, sorry not sorry), in the face, but chances are that he has some form of security around him at regular intervals. So it is instead better to actually punch the gas station attendant who merely LOOKS like fred durst and who thinks that "Nookie" is ironically awesome. Not that I am advocating violence. That is why we call it a "fantasy". A sweet, deserving fantasy. Aaaahhhh, yes...
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| Speaking of something that I will never ever actually have. Unless I win the lottery mind you. |
Several entries here have multiple options for reasons that shall be explained. As far as what MOTU homeboys and homegals were included, I avoided the CGI creatures that likely would not have any dialog and/or are too silly and/or too obscure to get a chance. No Comet Warriors, no Clawful, no Buzz-Off, no Snout-Sprout, no Whiplash, no Roboto, no Spikor, and no Horde or Snake Men members besides their charismatic leaders. It will take a lot of animated computer wizardry and enhancement to make this series a reality, so throwing every last character into the mix is simply not feasible. I for one would settle on just seeing Mosquitor sucking some hero's blood in a wide battle shot.
Also, I am not pulling ridiculous actor choices out of a hat for nyuck-nyuck purposes. I am aiming for those that would both be interested in such a project and make sense in being there from the director's end of the casting couch. Some of these choices are no-brainers yet sans a few exceptions, I have tried to steer clear of the usual suspects and/or actors that have already latched themselves onto other mega cinematic franchises. I mean at this point everybody and their grandmother has been in a superhero movie so virgin pickings are slim there, but still, I feel confident that I have come up with a list that would practically work in today's climate. The world does not need more big expensive superhero movies, but maybe with the right personnel and the spirit of Barbie as our beckon, a big expensive He-Man and Co movie could help revitalize a stagnant genre. I say make it a trilogy where Skeletor is the bad guy in all three, the Snake Men show up in the second one, and the whole thing culminates with Skeletor, She-Ra, and He-Man going against Hordak. So long as these people are cast that is...
JACOB ELORDI - HE-MAN
At 6'5" and naturally lanky, Jacob Elordi makes as much sense to play the all-powerful, physically swole He-Man as Chris Hemsworth did to play Thor. Dye his hair blonde, get him on a steady diet of protein, steroids, and no carbs, and then make him hit the heavy weights for about six months and we got ourselves a man who can wield the Power Sword and throw boulders at Skeletor.
Elordi is only six years into his acting career at this writing and thankfully none of his roles have been in anything resembling an action movie. This would work in his favor though, since as his profile increases with lauded films like Saltburn and Priscilla, (as well as the upcoming Guillermo del Toro Frankenstein adaptation where he will play the doctor's monstrous creation), Elordi is more concerned with taking serious, dramatic acting roles than hopping on corporate products. Him grabbing the lead in a Masters of the Universe film or series of films could bring some legitimacy to the project and it would benefit from someone who is not previously associated with other big name properties.
Addressing the "Young, attractive actors getting the most prominent roles" elephant in the room, well, that is the movie business folks. So let us be realistic; an attractive young actor is exactly who is going to play He-Man once this film finally gets made. A lot can change in the coming months or years of course as far as who is the most viable and interested candidate, but Elordi seems as much of a shoe-in as is currently available.
RYAN GOSLING - SKELETOR
OK hear me out. First of all, we have the Barbie connection which means that we also have a Mattel connection. The fact that it is not beneath him to play an action figure on screen is one element here, but the other is that Ryan Gosling has proven himself to be a versatile actor. He is hilarious in Barbie and The Nice Guys. He is stoic and unsmiling in Blade Runner 2049. He made every woman cry oceans of tears in The Notebook. He sang and danced in Barbie and La La Land. He beat people up in Only God Forgives and The Gray Man. Hell, he even wrote and directed Lost River which is an incoherent, arthouse fantasy movie.
Also, stunt casting is a thing yo. Look it up. I shall point to Colin Farrell as Oswald Cobblepot in The Batman. A "huh?" choice on paper that reeked of gimmickry, but Farrell was determined to rise to the occasion and he delivered a memorable performance under hours of unrecognizable make-up. Throw Gosling enough money and he may not only be willing to endure the long hours in the prosthetics chair, but as we discussed, he is skilled enough in his craft to make Skeletor a dense, menacing, and interesting bad guy.
Sure we could go with a much older thespian who could sell the character based on his voice alone, but Gosling would spark the viewer's curiosity and provide a left-of-field choice for an actor that has not gotten the chance to relish in some fiendish scenery-chewing. He does not need to villainously mug his way through his performance the way that Frank Langella did. We already have a movie of that, and Langella is indeed delightful in it. Gosling can instead bring some of that Blade Runner 2049 brooding into his portrayal. Plus, the usually smirking man would be in on the joke, (again, Barbie), so he could find that ideal balance of tongue-in-cheek megalomania and introspective depth and motivation. We need a Skeletor with many notes. Gosling can not only play all of those notes, but he would also definitely know the assignment in doing so.
FLORENCE PUGH/MILLIE BOBBY BROWN - TEELA
Our first dual casting choice, there is a solid argument to made for both of these young women as He-Man's ass-whooping Captain of the Royal Guard and potential love interest. Florence Pugh seems a "duh" choice, but that is largely because she is already Yelena Belova in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and was recently Princess Irulan in Dune: Part Two. These are two elements that can work as much against her as for her. Latching herself onto yet another science fantasy type property with epic battles, outlandish costumes, and chosen ones and the like, (also, does Eternia have sand?), might be a tough sell depending on what her career plans are. A wonderful actor who has made several top-tier choices so far in her only decade long career, Pugh can easily handle any material that would require her to wield a bunch of weapons, be the secret daughter of the Sorceress, be the proud adopted daughter of Man-At-Arms, or fall in love with Prince Adam.
On that note, Millie Bobby Brown would be able to do all of those things too. At only twenty years old at this writing, Brown's age could usher in another interesting, be it hackneyed, (if handled poorly that is), obstacle for the character. Besides being both adopted and a woman in a world where muscle-bound men do muscle-bound man things, Brown's upstart Teela could have that much more to prove in defending Eternia against the forces of evil. Brown obviously has the Stranger Things franchise that launched her career, but she has also been adamant about distancing herself from it, (yet she just did some shit with dragons in Damsel which may be too close to the MOTU world). Still, Brown could be hungry enough to take on a role that would solidify her as more than that girl with Professor X powers who fights inter-dimensional demons or whatever. I have not watched Stranger Things beyond the first season so I am just guessing here.
MIA GOTH/EMMA STONE/LENA HEADEY/AUBREY PLAZA - EVIL-LYN
Yes I went a little overboard here. That is because within seconds of thinking about all of this silliness, several just as valid choices came to mind with Eternia's most not-good female Evil-Lyn. I have seen several other logical names thrown into the ring besides the four that I am settling on for consideration, but let us go ahead and consider those four shall we?
Mia Goth has become a scream queen to be reckoned with. A Cure for Wellness, Marrowbone, the Suspiria remake, Infinity Pool, and her and Ti West's X franchise, Goth is turning in memorable performances left in right as far as horror is concerned. It makes sense then to throw some witchy attire and Hot Topic eye-shadow on her to be Skeletor's right-hand woman that casts spells and does diabolical things. Insert "Her last name is 'Goth' after all" joke here.
Then we have Emma Stone, fresh off of her second Oscar win. Judging by that, it may be a tough and/or expensive maneuver to get her on board with a He-Man movie. Yet at the same time, unless Stone is in a hurry to beat Meryl Streep's Oscar record, she may be down to let loose with some bad guy shenanigans and channel her inner Cruella de Vil. Stone has done the whole Spider-Man thing too, but she was also in La La Land with Gosling which would make their pairing here, well, another pairing. Yet as her wacky turn in Poor Things has proven us, she can both transform herself and chew the scenery when called for. Plus, her large and expressive eyes would look downright spellbinding in Evil-Lyn mode.
I saw Lena Headey's name pop up on someone else's MOTU fan-cast and it was too obvious yet also too good of an idea to ignore. Headey has been typecast for playing arguably the greatest villain in television history, so having Cersei Lanister herself be yet another medieval-adjacent bad guy is probably redundant. Still, there is no denying that she would effortlessly nail such a part, so long as the intention is for everyone in the audience to hate Evil-Lyn's guts. Speaking of making the audience feel uncomfortable, Aubrey Plaza would fit right at home as a spell-casting bitch too, channeling her natural quirkiness and acting chops into a more eccentric version of Evil-Lyn than arguably any of these other actors would deliver. With some dead-eyed stares and cruel smirks at her disposal, Plaza could bring a level of tongue-in-cheek scariness to the character that would match well with Gosling's.
BRYAN CRANSTON - MAN-AT-ARMS
Since Bryan Cranston has teased at taking an acting sabbatical as of this writing and we are technically still in the speculative stages of a MOTU movie, this role could either be the one that brings him back in front of the big screen or simply arrives on his desk when he has already returned to the big screen. Cranston is in his late 60s, but aged action heroes have become the norm so casting him as Eternia's military commander and weapons practitioner would be ideal for a statesman such as he. Man-At-Arms is a cross between Q from James Bond, a council advisor to the High Court, and a guy who can hold his own in battle better than arguably anyone besides He-Man. More rooted in the franchise's sci-fi gadgetry and whatever Eternia's armies are going to get up to, Cranston can bring some of his well-honed comedic chops to an otherwise stuffy part, as well as getting to do the whole bad-ass thing that Walter White did, minus the meth. We may never get Cranston as Commissioner Gordon, but as far as cartoon superhero characters that he also looks exactly like, this should be an equally perfect pairing.
WILLEM DAFOE/BRIAN BLESSED - KING RANDOR
Willem Dafoe is at an ideal point in his illustrious career. After decades in some of the best movies ever made, (plus a couple of turkeys, cough, The Boondock Saints, cough), he has reached a point in the zeitgeist where everyone loves him and he bounces between critically acclaimed arthouse movies and mega-franchises with ease. It would be both obvious and awesome to have him sit at the throne of Eternia as Prince Adam's dad and the ruler of such a kingdom, letting his beard from The Lighthouse grow to full nobility standards as he commands with the grace of the likeable real-life persona that he has well-earned. Even if Dafoe is more commonly accepted as a villain and many may argue that he is a more logical choice to be Skeletor, (yet we have gone over that already), this may be fittingly in line for an actor who finds persistent ways to challenge himself.
Though if Dafoe is not interested then may I offer up another solid candidate in arguably the world's finest living thespian Brian Blessed? To be fair, Blessed would have made the most sense in playing King Randor in the original Cannon movie almost four decades ago if they bothered to have such a character in it. At 87 years not young, it would be a tall order to get Blessed on board for one of these movies let alone a series of them. That said, this guy would be equally hilarious and ideal in a role that few could argue that he was born to play. A Shakespearean actor who is as ridiculous as he is scene-stealing on any stage, screen or in real life, Blessed's still burly physical appearance mixed with his glorious scenery-chewing capabilities and earth-bellowing voice would make everyone in Eternia latch onto his every word. I say if the guy is still agile and willing, then whoever does not cast him deserves to be fired.
MICHELLE YEOH - SORCERESS
Admittingly, I swiped this idea from another fan-cast that I came across on the interwebs, but a good idea is always worth plagiarizing as the saying goes. Now it can be seen as cliche to cast a stoic and sophisticated Asian actor as a stoic and wise keeper of a kingdom's mystical secrets, but let us also consider that the Doctor Strange movie white-washed the Ancient One as Tilda Swinton so why not reverse such an injustice by casting Michelle Yeoh as Eternia's Sorceress? This is a case where a character's ethnicity is hardly crucial to her character though, (unless we stick with the cannon that Teela is the Sorceress' biological daughter which in that case, better get Stephanie Hsu in them wool boots instead of Pugh or Brown), but all this racial nonsense aside, Yeoh has several prestigious awards under her belt and has long proven herself worthy of nailing any material that she chooses. If she does go with such a role as this, hopefully the screenwriters will give her more than just vapid platitudes about destiny and finding one's true self, and will instead dig deep into what would make a woman who can transform into a giant bird also want to stay within Castle Grayskull's walls most of the time.
FRED ARMISEN - ORKO
This will naturally be either a voice work or motion capture performance for whoever they go with since last I checked, us humans have legs, cannot float around, and also have faces. We were gypped with He-Man's trusty comedic sidekick wizard Orko, (as well as most other characters), in the 1987 Masters of the Universe movie so we damn well better include him here. How goofy to make this guy is the question, but that is why Fred Armisen is an ideal choice because the man's chosen comedic method can be just as subtle as it is overbearing. Armisen's long stint on Saturday Night Live called for plenty of mugging and cranked-up mannerisms, but this guy is arguably even more adept at bone-dry silliness and quirky exaggerations. A chameleon comedic performer through and through, he could easily do that thing in every superhero movie of the smart-ass jokey guy, yet it would be absurd to limit him to such a trope. As an equally skilled writer, letting Armisen bring his own ideas to the table in order to experiment with the voice and nuances of Eternia's resident magician should be an idiot-proof maneuver for whoever is actually going to be in charge of such things. Preferably me, but time will tell.
DAVE BAUTISTA - BEASTMAN
Though I fully own my hack sensibilities at times and one can fairly call me lazy with this one, I also proclaim that Dave Bautista as Beastman is probably unavoidable. A WWE mainstay for several years who has made the consistently successful transition into actor territory, Bautista has more thespian chops than arguably any of his other professional wrestler alumni. This along with the fact that he has gained household name status for being Drax the Destroyer in the MCU should make him the only real choice at putting on the gallons of prosthetics yet again for the hair-covered, rage-fueled Skeletor henchman. It would be a waste to simply let Bautista howl and snarl his way through this one, so this would be a great opportunity to flesh out a character that understandably has never needed any fleshing-out. As we discussed earlier though, there are plenty of other monstrous mercenaries that can easily just get the CGI treatment without any dialog, so do the obvious thing and cast Bautista already, give him a backstory, and still let him smash a whole lotta shit on screen.
TERRY CREWS - CLAMP CHAMP
Speaking of delightful and physically jacked actors who should always be in more movies, Terry Crews has to show up in a Masters of the Universe movie somewhere and what better role than as Eternia's token black guy Clamp Champ? Political incorrectness aside, plenty of these characters can and should have their original ethnicity changed from being just boring ole Caucasians since why not, but then nationality aside, Clamp Champ is a silly and muscle-bound character that deserves a silly and muscle-bound comedic actor to play him. If Crews is willing to be in Adam Sandler movies than we can all assume that he will take absolutely no issue in appearing in an action figure one, so making a guy with a giant robotic claw as his super power something of a comedic badass will be in ideal hands with Crews. If he can bounce his pectoral muscles and give some Idiocracy rallying speeches as well then all the better.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER - HORDAK
Breaking my own rule in trying not to include anyone who was nearly top-billed in a preexisting superhero franchise, Michael Fassbender is another solid candidate for the world's best living actor, and the temptation to bring him on board the MOTU cinematic universe is just too much to resist. Fox' X-Men movies were problematic at best, but Fassbender's Magneto was by leaps and bounds the best thing in them, (same goes for the two Alien movies that he appeared in), made entirely so by the man's consistently riveting chops. This guy is great in everything so it stands to reason that he would be great as Skeletor's mentor-turned enemy/She-Ra's arch baddie Hordak. One of the many wonderful aspects about Fassbender is that he does not indulge himself in front of the screen, which means that he would likely forgo the conventional way to portray Hordak as a gleefully evil warlord. Instead, he could turn him into a more calmly evil warlord; one who conveys a type of weighted decision making to his universe conquering goals. Think Josh Brolin's Thanos except with a more outrageous and vampiric physical appearance that will likely be similarly motion captured. Hordak may not offer much anti-hero gray area for Fassbender to work with, but combined with a nuanced screenplay, he could still elevate the character into Etheria/Eternia's most intimidating foe.
SYDNEY SWEENEY - SHE-RA
Having someone like the increasingly popular Sydney Sweeney portray Prince Adam's twin sister Adora may determine when she shows up in this inevitable cinematic franchise, but whenever she does, Sweeney seems ideally suited for the task. Make all the Boob-Ra jokes thou wilt, but Sweeney has plenty of acting skills to go along with her physical endowments, appearing in everything from cheap B-movies, to both cheap and good horror ones, to romantic comedies, and some action flicks, her profile rising to presumably bigger and better things. She also costars with Jacob Elordi on Euphoria, so that preexisting on-screen chemistry is ripe to mine. Something like an MOTU movie let alone playing a character that could likely spawn her own spin-off film series or a companion TV series would be the biggest property that Sweeney has been involved in as of this writing, but she has yet to let up on some challenging roles so why stop now? Sweeney also has the right sense of humor about her physique in order to tweak the living embodiment of the Heavy Metal libido babe that can instead be turned into a feminist superhero and not just a pair of tits with a sword.
DOUG JONES - MER-MAN/WEBSTOR/STINKOR
So besides Dave Bautista, this can be seen as my most minimal effort casting choice. If I were Doug Jones, I would logically be awaiting a phone call or email from someone involved in the MOTU movie to simply offer him the character of his choice that will require a combination of untold hours of prosthetic make-up and CGI-enhancement. So sticking with me being Doug Jones, I would therefor choose to be Mer-Man. Just like every original depiction of every male on Eternia, Mer-Man was as jacked as the lot of them, but assuming that we will be ushering in more dynamics with this cinematic retelling, having the pencil-thin Jones be a bad guy Creature from the Black Lagoon stand-in would be a nice alternative from all of his, (allegedly), roided-out co-stars. That said, Jones was already a mer-man in Guillermo del Toro's The Shape of Water, so maybe that would be too "same shit, different movie". Thankfully though, there are plenty of other awesome, humanoid creatures that Jones could sink his claws into and Webstor or Stinkor would work just as well with the actor's lanky and agile frame. Or fuck it, just let Jones play all three. So long as he gets paid his full fee for each one.
JOHN PETRUCCI - FISTO
Goddamn right. Now obviously, this is a long-shot choice since John Petrucci is not nor has ever been an actor. A freak musician who can probably perform any piece of music on a guitar that is thrown at him faster than anyone else could perform it, (faster meaning both with the ease that he would grasp the material and also the literal speed with with he would sweep-pick through it), but an actor, no. All that done and said though, look at this guy's pythons for fuck's sake! Petrucci has been hitting the gym throughout most of his adult life and it shows, plus his stubborn refusal to cut either his hair or his beard has resulted in him being a dead ringer for Fisto; arguably Eternia's most ridiculously named/homoerotic overtones Master of the Universe, (saying something). All we really have to do is give Petrucci a glorified cameo or maybe a couple of lines if he is that bad at saying them, but in a perfect world, Dream Theater's bearded, Hulk Hugan-gunned guitar wizard would be a natural in front of the camera and could go head to head with his nemesis Jitsu. Which brings us to...
PEDRO PASCAL - JITSU
OK, back to casting actual actors. Another Game of Thrones alumni, Pedro Pascal might have too many fantasy/superheroy things on his resume to be a wild card here. He is in the Star Wars expanded universe and the second Wonder Woman movie that no one remembers, plus other long hauls besides GOT, with Narcos and The Last of Us under his belt. Yet having him play a well-tanned ninja with a fastened, gold karate chop arm is something that he could not only do in his sleep, but also something that would not take much time away from his day jobs. Whats one more franchise to add to his list when all he would really have to do is smirk and go toe-to-toe with John Petrucci's Fisto in a couple of fight scenes? Though if we are casting an actor as skilled as Pascal, it might actually be a good idea to let him Oberyn Martell-up his character and bring the dashing sex machine angle into the mix. Not that Jitsu engaging in full frontal male and female orgies would be appropriate for an MOTU movie. Unless we are going to go that route which if we are, I am listening...
CILLIAN MURPHY - TRI-KLOPS
Yet another Oscar winner who has already been in a superhero franchise, Cillian Murphy is both too good of an actor and too naturally unsettling looking not to be an over-the-top bad guy yet again. Similar to our Doug Jones discussion, Murphy's slimmer frame would differentiate a character such as Tri-Klops from your Beastmans and whatnot, plus it would also be interesting to see what Murphy could do without those piercing blue eyes at his disposal. Tri-Klops has a fun design tweak on the mythical Greek cyclops who instead of one, has three eyeballs that can rotate on a visor all around his head, allowing him to see everywhere and/or adjust to whatever lighting conditions that he needs to. This makes the character a crucial one to Skeletor's army and ergo, one that should get plenty of screen time to warrant a man of Murphy's talents. Still, he was cool enough to show up in both The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises in mere cameos so even if he is only given a limited amount of minutes to do his thing here, he still might jump on the opportunity. Maybe Christopher Nolan can tag along as a technical advisor. Just do not let him put non-stop music throughout the entire movie please.
KEVIN HART - RAM MAN
Any movie where actual, half-naked humans are running around pretending to be action figures desperately requires some comic relief. As Ram Man was depicted as the bumbling good guy answer to Skeletor's crop of buffoon mercenaries, casting an actual comedian in the role seems like a thing that should be done. Casting a comedian with a minimal amount of body fat on him is even better, enter Kevin Hart who may be too big as both a movie star and as a stand-up for such a project, but if we give him enough tomfoolery to get into, this man would nail it. Hart may be more cut than bulky, but at only 5'2", he easily has the short stature of Ram Man at his disposal. There can be no question about Hart's comedic capabilities and the only concern really would be that he would be TOO funny in such a setting that may not call for the kind of antics that he effortlessly delivers. Still, I say this is too good of an option to pass up and if the budget calls for what is becoming an increasing stream of A-listers, Hart belongs in the goofy beer can armor.
JULIANNE MOORE - QUEEN MARLENA
So if we go with Brian Blessed as King Randor, then having Julianne Moore play his two-decade-plus younger wife would be silly, even though Hollywood has a never-ending preference for such male-to-female casting discrepancies. Yet if we stick with the more probably choice of Willem Dafoe, bringing these two together again for the first time since Body of Evidence would be delightful. Moore is a powerhouse in front of the screen whose resume I nor anyone else needs to defend, (the woman was in The Big Lebowski and Magnollia for fuck's sake), plus she is a natural redhead which Queen Marlena of Eternia also naturally is, if one is to presume. Stints in some Hunger Games movies, Hannibal, and the third Jurassic Park film means that blockbusters have been a regular addition to her body of work, but she has yet to attach herself to a superhero saga so this seems as good of a place as any to start. I for one will not mind if she brings along the Lebowski viking helmet as well.
GIANCARLO ESPOSITO - KING HISS
Us MOTU fans have been largely cheated out of the Snake Men making a formidable appearance in the franchise, at least compared to Skeletor and the Horde. The 2002 animated series He-Man and the Masters of the Universe did them a solid by making them the primary antagonists in the second season, but otherwise they deserve much more screen time. Going by my pitch and following the aforementioned cartoon's cue where the Snake Men will be the main baddies for round two, we obviously need an impressive actor to take center stage, and who can deny that Giancarlo Esposito is both impressive and an actor. King Hiss is really the only member of his baddie clan that can have a proper thespian behind it since the rest are made up of completely monsteroid characters that all logic would dictate will be CGI creations. With a human facade that will give Espositio plenty to work with, the man can dial in the stoic and simmering rage of Gustavo Fring and simultaneously get to dial it up a few notches when called for. Hiss can be more reserved and honorable than merely hellbent on universe domination, so if this basically sounds like I am selling a Gus version of the character than yes, yes I am.
RON PERLMAN - TRAP-JAW
I should hardly have to explain yet another piece of "too obvious to ignore" casting. We have all seen Ron Perlman's ridiculous jaw-line, so let us stop pretending that any other actor on the planet should play a guy literally called Trap-Jaw. I could leave it at that, but let us get into the no-brainer specifics. Now yes, Perlman is 73 as of this writing, but he is also a fantastic actor, still going strong, and has been behind the makeup chair more than any other person here besides Doug Jones. Both men were together in the Hellboy series and have shared other Guillermo del Toro credits, so this can be a fun reunion for two veterans who have largely made a career out of being creatures on the screen. A good way to sell Perlman on the idea in case he is finally getting tired of itchy prosthetic appliances is that you would hardly need to do much to him here. Basically a metal gladiator helmet hooked on to his already intimidating mug and some blue and green body paint would do the trick. Also, Mr. Perlman is apparently only 5'11". I would have assumed taller, but here we are.
JAVIER BARDEM - MAN-E-FACES
The character of Man-E-Faces has been everything from an anti-hero with a split-personality who can switch from either the good or bad guy's side depending on which mug he goes with, to a versatile Eternian actor that is the chief spy in King Randor's Heroic Guard. Whichever of these two routes this film may take, (I say a combination of both to make it more interesting), putting Javier Bardem in the driver's seat would be excellent. Another thespian with some well-deserved trophies on his shelf, the man's biggest roles have been that of villains in No Country for Old Men and Skyfall, so having Man-E-Faces switch to the dark side at some point here seems rational. Like Pugh, Bardem showed up in Denis Villeneuve's Dune adaptation and he would likewise have a supporting role here, but like a lot of these top-notch actors that we are discussing, giving him as much to do as possible will only help the grand scheme of things.
KEITH DAVID - STRATOS
With a melodious voice that has graced Ken Burns' documentaries and an endless stream of cartoons, Keith David is a veteran in his field that has also been in front of the camera in more legendary movies than we can count. We are mostly talking about Men at Work, just so we are clear. This is to say that the man who has convinced all of us that there are few things not to be fucked with more than another man's french fries should command enough respect to play the fearless leader of the Bird People of Avion, Statos. Now, David is 67 and may not be too keen to strap on a harness and convey the majestic gift of flight via CGI wings, (let alone spending hours in a make-up chair when his lucrative and comparatively more comfortable career in voice-over work has yet to let up), but I say give the man whatever he wants to bring him aboard the MOTU ship. Oh wait, he is doing the voice of Hordak in Kevin Smith's Masters of the Universe: Revolution. Well Chris Evans and Josh Brolin played two Marvel superheroes so fuck it, David is still in!
CHIAKI KURIYAMA - NINJOR
Another outside of the box choice and our first gender reversal, casting Kill Bill's ball and chain-wielding school girl badass Chiaki Kuriyama as Skeletor's stealth warrior Ninjor would only enhance an otherwise derivative ninja henchman. This would mean bypassing the evident choice of martial arts actors like say a Hiroyuki Sanada or a Donnie Yen who have each played variations of such a character plenty of times in their careers. Giving Kuriyama the job would break up the sausage factory that such a franchise mostly is yes, but this lady has a handful of action roles under her belt besides the aforementioned Quentin Tarantino classic so she is hardly just an excuse for some more gimmick casting. Ninjor did not get to do much in any of the MOTU cannon so they could really go anywhere with this, maybe portraying her as a silent, ridiculously deadly, lawful neutral assassin of sorts who is more about just delivering the results than engaging in any typical bad guy banter or giving a shit who comes out on top.
JASON STATHAM/WESLEY SNIPES - BLADE
See what I did there? Though Blade was a creation of screenwriter David Odell for the 1987 Cannon movie, the character was one of three from it to get his own action figure at the time and has continued to pop up in comics and cartoon installments. Including him here somewhere would just provide He-Man and his buddies with one more colorful guy to engage in flashy swordplay with, but we can always use more of those anyway. An action star for decades, Jason Statham has amazingly never appeared in a superhero property as of this writing so we may as well snag him here before the DCU or MCU gets their hands on him. Naturally bald, still jacked, and still appearing in nothing but beat-em-up movies, Statham would slide right into the ridiculous costume with minimal effort. Yet if the man is still adamant on not appearing in such films, then why not cast the OG Blade himself Wesley Snipes? Probably too silly of an idea to see fruition, but it would be goddamn hilarious even if he just shows up for a cameo to say something stupid/great like "The name's (still) ...Blade".
BILL HADER - MEKANECK
I saw a fan-cast where someone suggested John Mulaney to play Eternia's Heroic Warrior Mekaneck, which is a laugh-out-loud idea that deserves props for originality. My suggestion therefor does not deserve such props since I am merely swapping out one SNL alumni for another, but I stand by Hader as a more appropriate fitting, if for any other reason than because his four season run on Barry proved that he is as good of a dramatic actor as he is a top-notch funny man. Hader is in his mid-40s which means that he likely grew up playing with He-Man action figures like the rest of us, so he would know full well what he was getting into as the guy with a really long neck and goofy visors over his eyes. Mekaneck is depicted as one of King Ronan's chief spies, which is ludicrous since the idea of a spy is to gain information unseen and this character would clearly stick out as much as any of the other wacky Universe Masters, if not more so. At least Hader's chameleon like voice capabilities and well-honed comedic chops would be another nice addition to a movie that should lean into its silliness as much as it can afford.
KYLE GALLNER - SY-KLONE
Originally a cyborg that can fly and create enormous gusts of winds in order to launch his enemies off of their feet, Sy-Klone was reinterpreted in the 2002 cartoon series as an ancient samurai who guards sacred, powerful stones on an island. One of the busiest working actors who recently had an entire Red Letter Media Half in the Bag episode dedicated to his 2023 output, Kyle Gallner also appeared in three episodes of Smallville yet has otherwise steered clear of any superhero franchises. That could change if cast in an MOTU movie, and I recommend throwing some light blue make-up and a colorful costume on him for this human tornado hero. Arguably the coolest looking good guy action figure in the original toy line, he may come off as too outrageous in his purest form, but thankfully Gallner brings a brooding intensity to all of his roles that could otherwise tone-down a character that at least visually seems like he belongs in a New Years Eve rave party or something.
TOM BAKER - SCARE GLOW
Now let us discuss the coolest looking bad guy action figure in the original toy line. Admittingly, both this character and the legendary actor that I am suggesting should play him are a long shot at best. The Fourth Doctor Tom Baker recently turned 90 and rarely steps out of his quiet, quasi-retirement to do much work in any capacity. Yet, considering that Scare Glow will obliviously be a CGI creation on screen, the mysterious, otherworldly villain would need a distinguished actor to provide his vocal articulation. As far as living thespians go, there may not be a more recognizable voice in all of Britain that Mr. Baker, and obviously every Doctor Who fan worldwide would delight just as much as I would in hearing his melodious tamber coming out of the mouth of this all-powerful, inter-dimensional evil wizard. Scare Glow will likely be ignored in any cinematic interpretation that we will ever get since we already have a guy with a skull face as the main baddie, but redundancy aside, that is all the more reason to maybe throw him in there just briefly enough for Baker to knock-out his dialog in an afternoon. Everybody wins in this scenario is what I mean.
COREY HAWKINS - MOSS MAN
Since Dr. Dre is probably too old to sit in the prosthetics chair for seven hours and then run around a jungle set for another seven hours after that, how about the guy who played in him Straight Outta Compton? Corey Hawkins only credit in a superhero movie was as a random Navy Op in Iron Man 3. Two seasons of The Walking Dead, a King Kong movie, and last year's Dracula On a Boat notwithstanding, his screen appearances have not been to a degree that we can already associate him with nerdy fantasy properties. The guy does have some award cred though and could easily do something weighty with Eternia's Moss Man, who is basically Swamp Thing with the aesthetic appearance of Beast Man except with green fur. Different MOTU narratives have depicted him as a powerful Big Foot who is on the side of good, so screenwriters can delve deeper into the mythology and let him lend an earthy hand when shit gets real.
TENACIOUS D - TWO-BAD
For our last casting choice, let us make it a particularly ridiculous one in having Kyle Gass and Jack Black provide the voices for Skeletor's double-headed monster muscle Two-Bad. Assuming that it will be impractical to have both of these men physically jump on board, (as even more hilarious as that would be), Black is already a veteran voice-over actor from the Kung Fu Panda films as well as numerous other kid-friendly properties, but he and best buddy Gass obviously have to join heads, (har har), on this one. A character with a silly gimmick and a pun name need not be taken seriously, and we could really go with a number of comedy duos who could make this work, (David Mitchell and Robert Webb, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, any former SNL buddies, etc). Besides having a decade-long rapport together as Tenacious D, Black's bellowing vocal chord ability would play great off of Gass' more conventional demeanor, instead of having both of Two-Bad's heads merely come off as dim-witted ogres. I doubt we will get a musical rendition of "Fuck Her Gently" in a MOTU movie, but stranger things have happened folks.
OH, AND ALSO...
RAHI ANIL BARVE - DIRECTOR
As a bonus, we may as well discuss who could potentially direct a whoop-ass Masters of the Universe movie and there are several reasons that I think that Indian filmmaker Rahi Anil Barve could be ideally-suited. Most Western audience members are likely not familiar with Barve's work, namely because of the whole "they are not in English" aspect, but also because he has only one full-length under his bet at this writing, which was the exceptional Tumbbad from 2018. Epic in scope, Tumbbad was a folk horror collaboration between he and co-directors Adesh Prasad and Anand Gandhi that took several years to come to fruition. It is also a triumph of modest-budgeted filmmaking that was not only done outside of the confines of Hollywood money and studio connections, but also outside of the confines of Bollywood's movie industry.
This means that it is one of those impressive independent horror films that usually catches the eye of big time production studios who are looking for someone with vision and skills that are displayed in their own idiosyncratic works, (i.e, an artist as opposed to a "hack"). Gareth Edwards got hired on both a Star Wars and a Godzilla movie. Cate Shorthand did Black Widow. Taika Waititi got to make two Thor sequels. Then of course a Troma alumni such as James Gunn got to make several superhero hits at this point and is even now the head of DC's film department. Hollywood clearly likes handing over the reigns of a known property to the indie auteur. To me, bringing a guy like Rahi Anil Barve, (and presumably/hopefully some of his creative team as well), on board for MOTU seems like both a solid and likely move. If anyone has their doubts, go see what he was able to pull-off with Tumbbad and then tell me that you would not be excited to see what the same guy's version of Snake Mountain would look like. I will wait...
