Thursday, February 6, 2025

Every David Lynch Movie Ranked


Every David Lynch Movie Ranked
 
As of this writing, David Lynch has been gone for less than a month.  Within that amount of time, I naturally took it upon myself to watch virtually his entire cinematic output, sans his Duran Duran concert film, one or two shorts that I could not locate, and a few of his commercials.  This marathon viewing session of course included his ten official feature length movies, and as part of my mourning/celebration of a man that I can honestly call my favorite filmmaker, I feel an official ranking of these ten feature length movies is in order.

Watching Lynch's output in the course of a few weeks immediately following his death was a bittersweet experience, as one could imagine.  Accepting that we will never get another piece of art from him is an inevitable tragedy since no one exists on this mortal plane forever, so there is a sense of sadness that comes along with watching what he left behind since it is now officially all that we are ever going to get.  At the same token though, David Lynch has no all-out duds in his filmography, and as far as his full-length movies are concerned, all of them are different shades of fantastic.  So taking them all on actually softened the blow of his passing, since it slams home the point that no artist was anything like him and few if any produced a body of work that was of such a consistently high caliber.

So without any further dilly-dallying, here are David Lynch's ten feature length films in all of their singular and outstanding glory...
 
10.  Dune (1984)
 
This is a foreseeable one to technically rank at the bottom, if only because it was a mangled production that suffered various post-production setbacks that were out of David Lynch's control.  Adapting Frank Herberts's celebrated and mammoth first Dune novel into a single movie is already a daunting task, (it took Denis Villeneuve two films to get it done and Alejandro Jodorowsky famously could not get it done at all), plus producers Dino and Rafaella De Laurentiis hacked-down Lynch's initial four-plus hour cut to a mere one-hundred and thirty-seven minutes.  This in turn eliminated various side-arcs and the proper fleshing-out of numerous characters, creating a mess of a finished product.  The third act is particularly rushed, and the film suffers from a different form of incomprehensibility than the deliberate kind that is found in Lynch's strictly auteur works.  Troubles aside, Dune is a gorgeously designed movie with a who's who cast, plus stunning visuals, impressive sci-fi realizations, and a grandiose scope that is unlike anything else that the director ever did.  Lynch may have disowned it and those familiar with the source material may be the only ones who have a prayer of keeping up with the butchered structure, but it is still fun and dazzling stuff.

9.  Inland Empire (2006)
 
Sometime in the early 2000s, David Lynch wrote-off shooting anything on film ever again and fell in love with handheld digital camcorders, ultimately spending a few years on arguably his most experimental full-length Inland Empire.  The third and last in his "Los Angeles Trilogy" as well as the final theatrically released feature of his career, it is a rough watch from a quality standpoint since the standard definition leaves much to be desired, especially coming from a filmmaker whose attention to visually captivating details was always paramount.  The 2022 upscaled version by Janus Films is a marked improvement, but regardless of how it looks, the disjointed narrative is easily Lynch's most intentionally abstract.  This is because it is his only film to be pieced together in the shooting and not from a finished screenplay beforehand.  The freedom that it allowed him was Lynch's driving motivation in making it, following his subconscious muse as usual and merely shooting any scenes that came to him with a cast of regular collaborators who were always game to hop back on board.  There are stunning moments of strangeness that phase between disturbing, mystifying, hilarious, and everything in between, plus at three hours in length, (not to mention an additional seventy-five minutes of "More Things Happen"), this is the most excessive indulgence of Lynch's unfiltered ideas outside of Twin Peaks: The Return.

8.  The Straight Story (1999)
 
Speaking of David Lynch's "most experimental film", the man himself granted such a title to The Straight Story; the only movie in his oeuvre that he did not pen the screenplay for.  Lynch's usual output often times pushed the stylistic and storytelling boundaries of conventional cinema yes, but for him, this stripped-down movie about a seventy-four year-old WWII veteran hoping upon a rider lawnmower to go visit his estranged brother two-hundred and forty miles away was nothing like anything that he had ever attempted, let alone anything that anyone would have predicted that he would attempt.  Lynch simply fell in love with the script by John E. Roach and frequent collaborator Mary Sweeney, itself based on the real incident that Alvin Straight undertook in 1994.  Adjusting one's expectations then considering who was behind the lens, this is as emotionally potent as any of the more high-octane bizarre moments in Lynch's other films.  It slowly and tenderly mosies along, letting us sit with the quirky yet well-meaning stubbornness of its central character who is played beautifully by Richard Farnsworth, himself dying of cancer during its making.  In route, we get to sit with the simple idea of aging and life passing us by, leaving us with a level of melancholic yet gentle acceptance as to where we all inevitably end up.

7.  The Elephant Man (1980)
 
A companion piece to The Straight Story that was done nearly twenty years prior, David Lynch's sophomore full-length The Elephant Man is also conventionally digestible, based on a real life person, and emphasizes a mood that is more affecting than disturbing or strange.  That said, it is hardly a bog-standard biopic, instead shot in atmospheric black and white by famed cinematographer Freddie Francis, (who also shot The Straight Story, yet another direct connection there), and concerning the uncanny medical case of Joseph Merrick who suffered from Proteus syndrome, spent a significant portion of his life brutalized in freak shows, and died at the age of twenty-seven after becoming all but completely debilitated by his physical deformities.  John Hurt turns in one of cinema's most transformative performances under eight hours of makeup, becoming a pitiful yet charming "monster" who touches the heartstrings of several other characters on screen, as well as anyone watching the finished film.  There are still some traces of Eraserhead that spring up in fits and starts, (especially with the ambient sound design and some brief dream sequences), but this is still in most ways a strong shift away from Lynch's maverick, midnight movie, oddball debut.  So in other words, it proved that Lynch had both a singular aesthetic, yet was also far from a one-trick pony.

6.  Wild at Heart (1990)

Shortly after shooting the pilot for Twin Peaks, David Lynch suffered some setbacks from two other productions that failed to materialize due to Dino De Laurentiis's company closing shop, but the opportunity nevertheless came for him to adapt Barry Gifford's novel Wild at Heart into a feature film.  Lynch churned out a script in about a month and brought in a handful of actors that he had recently and previously worked with, as well as Nicolas Cage and Willem Dafoe who make their sole appearance in a Lynch film here.  Dafoe does not show up until over an hour and fifteen minutes in, but he steels the show as Bobby Peru; a hilarious sleazebag that is so sleazy that you can practically smell his sleaze from the screen.  Cage channels his best James Dean-via-Elvis impression as the outlaw with the heart of gold, and as his true beloved, Laura Dern turns in one of her many outstanding performances screaming, dancing, fornicating, and melting hearts in the process.  Dern's mother Diane Ladd plays her character's mom as well, (and scored an Oscar nomination for what it is worth), chewing the scenery like a demented Southern Gothic porcelain doll.  The soundtrack bounces between Cage singing Elvis tunes, to Angelo Badalamenti ambiance, to thrash metal for some outrageous reason, plus there are deliberate Wizard of Oz references sprinkled all over such a violent and off-the-walls tale of two star-crossed lovers who are simply trying to make a solid go of it in such a fucked up world.

5.  Eraserhead (1977)
 
Several years in the making, David Lynch's rightfully celebrated debut Eraserhead remains one of the most impressive, strange, and unique DIY works that has ever been made.  A midnight movie hallmark that ran for years in various towns, it simultaneously built a cult following and impressed/baffled enough industry personnel to garnish Lynch a professional career as a filmmaker.  Shot at a barn that was owned by the American Film Institute, (where Lynch was also living throughout its production), the movie was painstakingly put together in fits and starts as the money continually ran out.  Yet the final product is a mind-melting and fully-realized vision that bares little if any resemblance to even the most avant-garde forms of cinema that came before it.  There may not be a movie with a better or more memorable sound design, Lynch and Alan Splet somehow turning machine and factory ambience into something that is both continuously oppressive and hypnotic.  Most uninitiated viewers will be pulling out their hair in bewilderment, but the narrative does reveal itself to be a hilariously twisted take on the fear or parenthood, sexual frustration, and commitment.  Each outlandish set piece plays out as if in a lackadaisical haze, further pulling you in to a type of nightmare that is as funny as it is horrifying as it is perplexing.

4.  Blue Velvet (1986)

After the debacle that was Dune, producer Dino De Laurentiis did David Lynch a solid and granted him final cut and free reign for his next film, and it was one that in turn set the thematic course for the rest of his career.  Blue Velvet is in many ways where most of the Lynchian motifs were established.  Namely, this is the most pristine example in his filmography of the light balancing out the darkness.  The unassuming small American town that is harboring disturbed secrets has its Frank Booth, the Man in the Yellow Suit, and Ben, but it also has bright eyed teenagers, cops who want what is best for their communities, and well-meaning characters who flirt too close to danger.  Narratively straightforward, the movie nevertheless contains arguably the most uncomfortable set pieces that Lynch ever concocted, squarely focused on the monstrous exploits of Dennis Hopper's wholeheartedly vile villain.  It is difficult to imagine anybody witnessing the "Baby wants to fuck!" scene for the first time and not questioning their judgement as to their choice of viewing for the evening.  Really, everything that made David Lynch tick can be found here, and it is all skewed through his exclusive lens with Bobby Vinton's title song, red drapes, severed ears, and Dean Stockwell "singing" into a light bulb.

3.  Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)

An immediate indication that David Lynch still had more to explore in the universe of his recently cancelled and studio-interfered television series, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me is an R-rated prequel that delves into the initial mystery of "Who killed Laura Palmer?", and does so as a vivid and heartbreaking nightmare.  This is the closest that Lynch ever got to unabashed horror, but one can hardly make a point that he is working within the confines of such a genre any more than he ever had.  In the lead, Sheryl Lee turns in one of many outstanding performances in a Lynch film, which is a treat for fans of the show since she was initially just hired to be a dead body "wrapped in plastic".  Lee's troubled protagonist runs through a gamut of emotions in her final few days alive before being whisked off into the Red Room, and if anyone is keeping track, there many not be a more harrowing cinematic deception of incest and abuse out there.  While splashes of head-scratching humor still find their way in, (particularly in the Deer Meadow prologue which explores the connected case of Teresa Banks' slaying at the hand of Bob), this is otherwise the most relentlessly dark of Lynch's films since we know that Laura Palmer is doomed from the get-go.  It also goes hard into the surreal, with David Bowie's cameo alone being a solid contender for the most batshit insane scene in any Lynch movie.

2.  Lost Highway (1997)

The only clue to unlocking the intimidating mind-melt that is Lost Highway comes from David Lynch himself who said that he was inspired by the O.J. Simpson trial and how someone could live with themselves after, (allegedly), committing a heinous act.  Yet diligent minds will be able to uncover further inklings on repeated viewings as to how Bill Pullman can turn into Balthazar Getty, how Patricia Arquette can play two different characters, exactly what happened "that night", who those video tapes were coming from, and what in the goddam fuck Robert Blake's entire deal is.  Lynch often times talked about the importance of establishing mood in his art, and the first act specifically here represents an immersive type of suffocating strangeness and dread, as characters move lava-like through a neo-noir dream of jealousy, infidelity, and uncorked rage.  The second act shift is one of the most magnificent ever pulled off, and things only get stranger, sexier, and more bleak from there.  This can be seen as Lynch and co-screenwriter Barry Gifford playing within a film noir framework, but the hip, spooky, and dark subconscious-plundering style reigns supreme, and like Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, it makes this miles removed from the genre that it is tinkering in.

1.  Mulholland Dr. (2001)
 
It was a blessing in disguise that what was originally shot and conceived of as a TV pilot for ABC ended up getting unceremoniously passed on, since the resulting full-length Mulholland Dr. represents the best hour and forty-seven minutes that David Lynch ever put on screen.  The second in Lynch's "Los Angeles Trilogy", this is closely tied to its predecessor Lost Highway in that it once again explores a troubled protagonist who is not all that they seem, nor is anything else all that it seems throughout.  Comparatively "easier" to follow than Lost Highway, it is more funny, more wacky, and ultimately more emotionally riveting.  In a star-making turn, Naomi Watts delivers a bravado performance as a newly arrived Hollywood hopeful who meets up with Laura Harring to uncover a deepening mystery that ultimately leads to psychological turmoil and tragedy for all involved.  Lynch's common motifs of characters speaking cryptically, many set pieces existing in a cacophony of the surreal, and jarring detours into comedy, absurdity, horror, and eroticism are front and center, and it all speaks to the lurking evil that good ole Tinseltown can bring out of those who succumb to shattered dreams.  A well-honed and one-of-a-kind style married with captivating and challenging storytelling, it is an equally haunting and beautiful culmination of Lynch's gifts as a filmmaker, all done to the nth degree.

VERY HONORABLE MENTION

Twin Peaks: The Return (2017)

Technically speaking, Twin Peaks: The Return can more properly be looked at as a miniseries and/or the long-awaited final season to a cherished television show more than it can be looked at as a "movie".  Yet part of its brilliance is in how much it blurs the lines between the two, and just like the ABC series that came before it, this further showcased a bold new direction for small-screen drama to take.  Upwards of eighteen hours long spread over just as many episodes, it tells an ambitious narrative that picks up two-plus decades after the series left off, fulfilling Laura Palmer's backwards-talking promise that she would see Agent Cooper again "in twenty-five years".  Yet conventional episodic television this is not, mainly because it was written and shot as a continuous product with David Lynch solely behind the screen throughout.  He and co-creator Mark Frost provide several moments of closure to beloved character arcs that were long accepted to be abandoned, but they also deepen the Twin Peaks mythos profoundly, venturing into the series' supernatural dimensions and otherworldly characters while amazingly tying so many things together from both the show and the prequel film's past.  They also kick open the doors to more frustrating mysteries, fittingly leaving us with a sense of bewildered wonderment as to how expansive and troubling it can all still go.  When looked at as a whole, the initial two seasons of Twin Peaks, the aforementioned Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, the ninety-two minute "The Missing Pieces" accompaniment to that movie, and then The Return all represent a high-water mark for everyone involved, not least of all Lynch who delivered his unfiltered masterpiece here.

1990s Asian Horror Part Sixteen

HOLY VIRGIN VS. THE EVIL DEAD
(1991)
Dir - Chun-Ku Lu
Overall: MEH

Typical Category III Hong Kong silliness, Holy Virgin vs. the Evil Dead, (Moh soen gip), comes from director Chun-Ku Lu, who adds supernatural mysticism into his usual mix of kung fu action.  This one is a part police procedural as well, with a college professor, (who can kick anybody's ass with his fists or a machine gun as well as the cops, let alone far better than an army of bad guy henchman who never so much as graze him with a single bullet), joining forces with detectives and a lady shaman who is granted a sword that is the only thing which can kill a Moon Monster.  What is a Moon Monster one may ask?  Just a sometimes naked guy with long hair who shows up when the moon goes all red and proceeds to rip people's limbs off or bite them while being impervious to gunfire or electrocution via swimming pool.  There is plenty of nudity and plenty of laughably implausible action scenes that go on for ages and are not played for laughs, but the movie does start to feel its length under such a barrage.  The story's specifics are hardly important and one could probably follow along without reading subtitles if need be, but it delivers all of the wild ingredients that anyone venturing in would hope for.

301, 302
(1995)
Dir - Park Chul-soo
Overall: GOOD
 
Taking inspiration from the Jang Jeongil poem "The Cook and the Anorexic", 301, 302 is an odd duck of a thriller, spotlighting two apartment neighbors with conflicting neurotic disorders who find some semblance of disturbed connection, (to say the least).  Partly told in lengthy flashbacks, we can make an educated guess early as to the fate of one of the two central tenants whose disappearance is being investigated in the first scene.  The inevitable reveal transpires in such a gradual and increasingly unhinged manner without the tone suffering from any schlocky bombast, even if the concept of a woman who is obsessed with food and sex, and another who is repulsed by both is something that could easily be played up for black comedy chuckles.  Instead, director Park Chul-soo keeps the material tongue in cheek to the point where no camp is detected.  Bang Eun-jin is a stand-out in the comparatively showier roll; dancing, cooking away, and getting flustered when people do not gush over her never-ending stream of exotic dishes.  Surreal in its heightened subject matter, but its extremes illuminate the frustrating status quo that women often face in contemporary cultures, pushed to the point of self-isolation in a world whose expectations seem overbearing.
 
YONGGARY
(1999)
Dir - Shim Hyung-rae
Overall: WOOF

What can fairly be described as the worst South Korean film of all time, Yonggary, (Yonggari, Reptilian), brings together the laziest kaiju disaster movie cliches, acting and dialog that is so horrendously awful that it needs to be seen and heard to be believed, plus digital effects that are only a notch or two above those found in Birdemic or The Amazing Bulk.  This is one of those confounding trainwrecks that gallons of money was spent on, making it the country's most expensive production before even more time and finances were spent on it two years later in an "upgraded edition" which featured a different plot, new footage, and further CGI shots.  For anyone coming in uninitiated, the first set piece where several not-Korean people, (the cast is entirely Caucasian BTW), enter into a cave while overacting like cartoon characters sets a tone that never lets up.  One then either has the option to suffer through the entire thing while uncontrollably laughing at it or simply cutting their losses and fleeing before the suffrage goes any further.  There is no point in describing a single element to the plot since it has some of everything that giant monster films have long made hack, but the high-octane production mixed with horrendous performances and effects makes this something of an unintentional anomaly of misguided schlock.

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

1990s Asian Horror Part Fifteen

DOCTOR VAMPIRE
(1990)
Dir - Jamie Luk
Overall: MEH

Hong Kong took it upon themselves to popularize the jiāngshī film during the 1980s and not to be confused with the sub-genre's Mr. Vampire that jump-started the trend, Doctor Vampire, (Jiang shi yi sheng), mixes both Asian and Western undead motifs into its slapstick trajectory.  Boner and gay jokes are also thrown in, (Because what self-respecting comedy from the turn of the 1990s would go without those?), and the results are knowingly stupid and lighthearted.  The doctor of the title gets bitten in his junk by a prostitute when his car breaks down in England, (hey, we've all been there), only for the brothel's head vamp Peter Kjaer to demand a bigger taste of Bowie Lam's adult virgin's blood once said prostitute lets him go free because love.  Wacky high-jinks ensue once Lam is back home and these include the usual misunderstandings amongst characters, mugging performances, falling down = funny gags, magic rituals gone awry, and Kjaer showing up to kung-fu and out scenery-chew every other vampire that ever graced the screen.  More ridiculous than funny, but some of the jokes work, plus director Jamie Luk keeps up a kinetic pace in the third act that saves it from becoming cumbersome.
 
BEWITCHED AREA OF THOUSAND YEARS
(1991)
Dir - Yun Lai
Overall: WOOF

The first of only two films from director Yun Lai, Bewitched Area of Thousand Years, (Qian nian mo jie), is a typical Category III sleaze-fest done on a low-rent scale and ergo not without some unintentionally embarrassing amusement.  A Taiwanese production, it has a "story", (if you can call it that), of a monster guy with snakes for arms and a woman who starts to grow a scaly beard while her family is melodramatically concerned with the situation at all times.  Most scenes revolve around said turning-into-a-snake woman crying, being obnoxiously mopey, and telling people to leave her alone while they insist that she not let them leave her alone.  Also, a shaman with a Native American headdress on who literally sounds like a squawking parakeet for some reason shows up, cued synth music lightly plays in the background of nearly every scene, kung fu breaks out once in awhile, some people get torn open by reptilian fangs, and lots more characters talk and cry while sitting or standing around.  The pacing is as horrendous as the infrequent special effects and makeup are, plus the whole thing comes off as if it was financed with pocket change and made as an afterthought.

PAINTED SKIN
(1992)
Dir - King Hu
Overall: MEH

For his final film Painted Skin, (Hua pi zhi: Yin yang fa wang), director King Hu made a dated and sluggish variation of Ching Siu-tung's A Chinese Ghost Story, going as far as to cast Wu Ma and Joey Wong just to slam home the point.  Ma plays yet another mystical practitioner on the side of good and Wong follows her typecasting in one of her many portrayals as a lovely yet doomed spirit who is stuck on our mortal plane for various reasons.  The movie is more stylistically akin to Shaw Brothers properties from a decade and some change earlier, with plenty of wire-fu, camera zooms, and low-end special effects.  That said, the fogged-up outdoor lair of the villainous Yin-Yang King has some macabre pizzazz to it, but the production design is overall as stock as the story itself.  It also has a light tone but little in the way of inventive set pieces or humor that actually lands.  Besides Wong and Ma, most of the cast is recognizable from other horror comedy and/or kung fu movie hybrids, but this actually adds to the redundancy of the whole thing.  In other words, we have seen stories where bumbling good guys battle cackling bad guys with a pretty girl, supernatural magic showdowns, characters flipping around, and loud fight sound effects thrown into the mix before.  Some are better and some are worse, but this one just seems unnecessary at best.

Tuesday, February 4, 2025

1990s Asian Horror Part Fourteen

EROTIC GHOST STORY
(1990)
Dir - Lam Nai-choi
Overall: MEH

Dipping his toes into softcore pornography, Category III filmmaker Lam Nai-choi's Erotic Ghost Story, (Liu jai yim taam), suffers from the usual hindrances of its genre with drawn-out and unengaging sex scenes, but there are still enough wacky moments to be of interest.  Rooted exclusively in fantasy, three fox fairy sisters are sworn to a life of chastity and goodness in order to permanently regain their human form, only to get tempted by a seemingly innocent young scholar who is in fact a multi-headed Wu-Tang demon that is hellbent on doing multi-headed Wu-Tang demon shit.  The story is silly on paper and in execution, but its balancing of fairy tale whimsy and eroticism makes for a consistently quirky tone.  Everyone gets naked a lot, the floaty musical score only stops for a few moments of dialog, and there is a minimal amount of wire-fu as well as Lam's penchant for cartoonish gore.  Sadly, the first two acts drag with scene after scene of soft, moany intercourse but once it goes full-on Witches of Eastwick, it gets more fun.  Also, the ending where a Toaist monk shows up to save the day is both abrupt and hilariously wild.
 
DANGEROUS SEDUCTRESS
(1992)
Dir - Tjut Djalil
Overall: GOOD

The penultimate horror lunatic job from Tjut Djalil, (easily one of Indonesia's wackiest filmmakers), is a fitting and superior successor to the man's two most famous works Mystics in Bali and Lady Terminator.  Basking in the type of low-rent absurdity and a continuous stream of "Wait, what?" set pieces that seriously call into question both Djalil's emotional intelligence and overall sanity, Dangerous Seductress, (Bio Lady), was filmed in Bali and features some out-of-body floating head shenanigans for Amy Weber's naked and constantly mugging Evil Queen to indulge in.  It also opens with a ridiculous car chase for the books, where said car changes color, flips through the air a few dozen more times than physics would ever allow, and is occupied by three criminals, one of whom keeps punching his driver while he is driving.  It only gets more nonsensical and laugh-out-loud hilarious from there, with porn star level acting, more car destruction, reckless misogyny, casual witchcraft, a spontaneous shaman, modelling montages, aerial photography montages, dancing montages, a guy raping his fiance mere seconds after giving her an engagement ring, and dialog that would never actually come out of human being's mouths.  So in other words, this is Djalil's masterpiece.
 
THE SOUL GUARDIANS
(1998)
Dir - K.C. Park
Overall: MEH

A mix of doomsday occult horror, The Terminator, police procedurals, and Asian mysticism, (plus a main musical theme that rips off "My Heart Will Go On"), K.C. Park's debut The Soul Guardians, (Toemarok), has a barrage of familiar elements struggling for screen time together, but it casts a singular spell in fits and starts.  Adapted from Lee Woo-hyuk's novel of the same name, it has a dingy, green-tinted, urban aesthetic that predates The Matrix by one year, which is appropriate for its comic book-worthy story line where a surviving infant from a Satanic suicide cult is hunted down by a supernaturally-charged warrior and is protected by a badass in a black trench coat, a troubled doctor-turned-priest, and a prodigy kid who can cast spells and make his video game opponents come to life.  There are sacrifices, gritty action sequences, demonic possession with red eyes and vampire fangs, awful CGI, characters throwing spiritual energy at each other, plus a floating sword that is inhabited by a woman's soul or something.  All fun ingredients on paper, but the results are bloated within Park's very late 90s, music video-styled approach that exemplifies the material's dark schlock over any intended humor.

Monday, February 3, 2025

1990s British Horror Part Seven

MR. FROST
(1990)
Dir - Philippe Setbon
Overall: MEH

A British/French co-production with an international cast, Mr. Frost blows what should be a fool-proof premise of Jeff Goldblum playing Satan.  Worth the price of admission for a curiosity glance at least, the film persistently struggles with its rambling narrative which loses site of its main selling point after the first act and then focuses on a series of characters that are hardly as interesting as Goldbum's mass-murdering, smooth-as silk Great Deceiver.  Arrested for torturing, murdering, and burying a series of bodies, Goldblum smirks through his days for a few years before breaking silence at a swanky lunatic asylum in France where he only converses with Kathy Baker's psychiatrist.  His plan is to convince a cynical and psychologically-focused world that he is real, but his means of doing this are flimsy and again, the movie forgets about him throughout most of its running time.  Director Philippe Setbon peppers the movie with a synth and sexy sax score as well as a couple of supernatural flashes, but Goldblum's quirky charisma is not enough to save the end product.

AFRAID OF THE DARK
(1991)
Dir - Mark Peploe
Overall: MEH
 
The first of two full-lengths from screenwriter Mark Peploe, Afraid of the Dark is a curious psychological thriller that never gains its footing.  A French/British co-production with most of the cast stemming from jolly ole England, (where the film is also set), it concerns the troubled fancies of a young boy, yet the presentation is nearly that of an anthology film since it switches gears halfway through.  This is a clever rug-pull in some respects and it is one that shines further light on the young protagonist's anxieties, which stem around his own faulty eyesight and an upcoming operation that he must undergo.  Unfortunately, Peploe and co-screenwriter Frederick Seidel keep little Ben Keyworth's character at a strange distance from the viewer, so we never get a solid sense of what he is afraid of or why.  This may be intentional to mirror the confused angst of youth, but Keyworth seems to have a supporting family and community, as well as no violent tendencies, plus every encroaching threat in his life proves to be imaginary.  We are left in the dark more than made afraid of it as the title would suggest, and the whole thing comes off as a competent yet confused musing on prepubescent delusions that fails to be frightening, atmospheric, or interesting.

BOY MEETS GIRL
(1994)
Dir - Ray Brady
Overall: WOOF

An unpleasant Saw precursor, Boy Meets Girl puts a feminist slant on the ole kidnap and torment gag.  Set almost entirely in a black room where a hapless adulterer gets snatched up by two women who proceed to talk him to death on top of inflicting various physical torture, its one-note trajectory grows old immediately.  The female abductors are just as stubborn as the male abductee, getting nowhere as they trade psychological musings with each other as to the nature of the sexes, violence, fantasies, societal norms, and hypocrisy.  This was the debut from director Ray Brady and he and co-screenwriter Jim Crosbie have an agenda to challenge the notoriously strict British censors, dancing around more explicit visuals while still keeping the subject matter relentlessly dour and "obscene" by the ole video nasty standards.  One may champion its intentions, but there is no denying that it is poorly shot, poorly paced, and poorly recorded, particularly when it comes to Danielle Sanderson's mumbled and whispered dialog, which is taxing at best to make out.  Torture porn-adjacent works by their very nature are problematic to justify, and this amateurish installment may not be as graphic as later offenders, but it is easily more boring and ultimately pointless than the lot of them.

Sunday, February 2, 2025

1990s American Horror Part Sixty-Six

BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH
(1991)
Dir - Dean Tschetter
Overall: WOOF

The only full-length directorial job for Dean Tschetter, (who utilized the age ole alias of Allan Smithee), Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh is a "comedy" in the technical sense, focusing on a slasher killer who murders women for sacrificial body parts with a nasty power tool.  All of the characters have quirky attributes, (Beverly Penberthy smokes so much that she needs to undergo an experimental treatment ala James Woods in Cat's Eye, Don Brockett explodes at the handle as a police chief, Susann Fletcher cannot stop hiccuping, Jake Dengel looks like a Caucasian James Hong somehow, etc.), and this breaks a fundamental rule of comedy in that there is no straight man/woman to balance out the wackiness.  This is hardly the film's biggest faux pas though.  No, that would be Tschetter and Tom Tully's script, which has an endlessly not-serious tone yet lands none of its intended jokes.  There is nothing worse than a comedy which fails to realize that it is not funny, and even though the film is sufficient from a production standpoint, Veronica Hart shows up, and none other than Tom Savini provided the gore effects, it gets everything else wrong.
 
DOCTOR MORDRID
(1992)
Dir - Albert Band/Charles Band
Overall: MEH
 
Supposedly earning the rights to Marvel's Doctor Strange before those rights ended up elapsing, Full Moon Features went ahead and made an unofficial adaptation anyway with Doctor Mordrid, changing some names and plot points around and scoring genre heavyweights Jeffrey Combs as the diligent title character and Brian Thompson as his no good rival.  Like Strange, Mordrid lives in a swanky abode in New York, can astral project and travel through dimensions, uses a sacred amulet, and has a nifty outfit at his disposal, (granted one that he barely wears), but screenwriter C. Courtney Joyner's script bares no direct references to the Sorcerer Supreme.  Instead, this is an R-rated romp done on a B-movie scale, but an impressive one as far as Charles Band productions go.  There are a barrage of locations, frequent special effects sequences, (including a stop-motion showdown in the finale between two dinosaur fossils), and no unnecessary padding.  In fact at seventy-four minutes, it even feels rushed, wrapping up Thompson's threat before the stakes are made dire.  While Thompson chews the scenery with a posh and villainous accent, he does not get to flex much of his diabolical prowess, plus the usually delightful Combs is wooden in the lead.  Still, it has some fun moments and easily ranks as one of Full Moon's better endeavors.

BRIDE OF CHUCKY
(1998)
Dir - Ronny Yu
Overall: GOOD

The genre shift to unabashed comedy finally transpires in the forth Child's Play installment Bride of Chucky, not coincidentally the first in the series to abandoned the tired saga of Andy Barclay and instead just stick with the diabolical trajectory of Brad Dourif's title character.  A seven year break transpired between this and Child's Play 3, which allowed for not just a necessary differentiating angle to take, but also made it possible to be self-referential.  The late 90s were an abysmal time for the horror genre overall, but producer David Kirschner and franchise creator Don Mancini take advantage of a post-Scream landscape here, making fun of how silly these Chucky movies always were and leaning into such silliness in the process.  There is no other way to handle such a ridiculous script, and thankfully all parties involved seem to know the assignment.  Jennifer Tilly of course steals the show as Dourif's former love interest-turned-murder doll Tiffany; a Goth rock gay icon that matches Chucky's lust for mayhem.  The set pieces are just as stupid as they are hilarious, peaking with the two villainous dolls consummating their marriage in the same tacky honeymoon suite of their latest lovebird victims who they just killed by way of shattered ceiling mirror shards.  Best of all though, the movie's comedic adherence allows for things to fly off the handle and stay there, plausibility be dammed.  This means that it is only limited by the creativity of Mancini and his collaborators, all of whom rise to the occasion.

Saturday, February 1, 2025

1990s American Horror Part Sixty-Five

REPOSSESSED
(1990)
Dir - Bob Logan
Overall: WOOF
 
As close to an official spoof of The Exorcist as has yet been made, Repossessed scored Linda Blair who was ready to collect a paycheck by lampooning her career-making role, along with Leslie Nielsen who was also game to collect a paycheck by doing any stupid Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker knock-off that landed in his lap.  One of the most aggressively unfunny comedies of its era that tries harder than any of them, the film's infamous reputation is well-earned.  Every gag is cringe-inducing, from characters busting out rhymes, indulging in a full musical number at the end, mugging right into the camera, falling down, gawking at boobs, and delivering one painfully hacky "joke" after the other.  The references are so on-the-nose and ergo lazy that it is amazing that writer/director Bob Logan ever worked again, but he did follow this up with Meatballs 4 so at least he stayed in his lane.  One cannot help but to feel bad for everyone involved, most of all its two stars who deserve far better material; even material that was still done in a similarly low-brow vein.  Juvenile to the point of being unwatchable, it is best left forgotten amongst the hordes of other horror parodies that are equally hare-brained.

STEEL AND LACE
(1991)
Dir - Ernest D. Farino
Overall: MEH

The first film to be directed by visual effects man Ernest D. Farino, Steel and Lace acts as a feminist answer to RoboCop.  When a rich yuppie shitbag, (Michael Cerveris), gets away with raping a concert pianist, (Clare Wren), due to the testimonial help of his willing cohorts, Wren jumps off building in despair, which forces her mad scientist brother, (Bruce Davison), to cyborg her up for revenge purposes.  The plot line proceeds accordingly, following a slasher framework where the bad guys are picked-off one-by-one, leaving the worst offender until the very end.  Why these movies never go after the ring leader first is anybody's guess.  While these kill scenes are wonderfully nasty and inventive, (a guy gets tricked when Wren turns into a guy and grows boobs, another one gets his dick mutilated while having sex with her, dweeb character actor Brian Backer gets decapitated via helicopter blades, and Cerveris not only plummets to his death but does so while on fire), the plot is weighed down by a courtroom sketch artist and David Naughton's hot-and-cold relationship as the two people who are trying to solve a mystery that the audience already knows every detail to.  Both campy and a bummer, its wild moments cannot undue the tonal issues and large periods of tedium.
 
THE PUPPET MASTERS
(1994)
Dir - Stuart Orme
Overall: MEH

Developed by producer Michael Engelberg over a number of years, The Puppet Masters bares no resemblance to the persistent Puppet Master series from Charles Band.  Instead, this is an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-adjacent adaptation of Robert A. Heinlein's 1951 novel of the same name, done on a sufficient scale from Disney subsidiary Hollywood Pictures and hemed by British director Stuart Orme, who had a steady career behind the lens on Phil Collins music videos before this.  Donald Sutherland, Richard Belzer, Julie Warner, Keith David, Andrew Robinson, and a few other familiar faces are all here wearing suits and acting businesslike as an extraterrestrial sting ray hitches itself to everybody's spinal chord for takeover purposes.  It is difficult to take a movie seriously that has characters repeatedly asking each other to take their shirts off so that we can see if they have an alien puppet attached to them and though this is given a generous budget, it is a rudimentary B-movie with no meat on its bones.  Its attempts at creating an increasing sense of paranoia is undermined by a repetitive plot that follows the "human gets an alien on its back and now lets chase them" template for almost the entirety of its running time.  We know that the minor characters are going to make disposable targets just as much as we know that the major players will somehow survive, and despite the noted thespians playing it straight, plus some adequate practical effects, this is pedestrian schlock.