DISCLAIMER:
I originally wrote this silly little article a few months back with the intention to send it to cracked.com for publication on their site. But because I did the process bass-ackwards and didn't read their submission policy till AFTER writing all this crap, turns out they don't take complete articles for submissions. They only take basic outlines, which they want on their workshop forum for other users/writers to chime in on. Since I already have a blog to post whatever nonsense I want and because I'm lazy, I wasn't about to work backwards and turn a finished essay into a mere synopsis. Not when I have all these witty and brilliant jokes to go along with these pictures I used. So fuck it, I'll just put this here and maybe give the cracked format a go some other day.
MUSICIANS WHO ARE BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT (Bassist and Drummer Edition)
Rhythm sections aren't necessarily subject to more scrutiny than other sections. After all, Sir Paul McCartney is a section to a rhythm section. And you can't get more respectable than that right?
But there are a handful of famous musicians who seem to get the shaft unfairly at times. Whether they be underrated, really bad at one thing but good at something else, kind of an asshole, simply overlooked, or just Meg White, perhaps a little more love is due to said individuals.
4. GENE SIMMONS
Of course I was gonna defend a Kiss member on here. Kiss' demonic poster boy/old Jewish man in a suite Gene Simmons is known for many things. Namely his long tongue, Wilt-Chamberlain-level sexual conquests, his kind-of-I-guess-if-we-absolutely-had-to-compare better than
The Osbourne's reality show, never partaking of alcohol or recreational drugs, saying really
stupid shit when being interviewed, and of course finding money to be incredibly delicious.
In all of these things, Mr. Simmons is quite vocal. When it comes to adhering to the rock star-as-businessman aesthetic, this guy pretty much wrote the book.
But despite having an ego that would make certain orange, U.S. President's blush even oranger in fond admiration, oddly the one thing that Gene Simmons is relatively humble about is his actual music. Sure he'll be the first to tell you even if you don't ask how many platinum records Kiss has and how many arenas they sell out on tour, but you're kinda hard pressed to hear him ever pat himself on the back as to how good he can be at playing and writing songs. When he actually is playing and writing songs mind you.
Cause here's the thing. Not only Gene but Kiss in general have kinda had a thing for pawning some of their creative duties off on others throughout their career, regularly at times using other people to play their instruments or write their hooks. This was particularly the case in the 80's when Paul Stanley was writing all the band's semi-hits with Desmond Child, a man who theoretically can't NOT write anything catchy as all get out.
Also around this time, Gene was kinda notoriously phoning-in his quota of songs per album while off banging famous celebrities, (more so), setting up a rather crappy record label, producing other bands, and spending a lot of time trying to become an actor. And when his two most famous roles of the decade are a toss-up between a mad scientist who gets done-in by his own
acid spewing robot spiders and an evil hermaphrodite called
Velvet Ron Ragner, it's pretty safe to say that he was never destined to win an Oscar.
But when Gene Simmons actually picks up an instrument, he can do rather competent things. Examples you say? Take one of the last Kiss albums of the 70's to feature no outside musicians on it,
Rock and Roll Over. On the track
"Mr. Speed", (one of the countless Kiss songs remarkably better than "Rock and Roll All Nite" that the band never plays live), Gene's bass part is arguably the most memorable thing in the song. It's independent from the guitar riff and very McCartney-esque, as is his playing on
"Sure Know Something" off
Dynasty,
"Hard Luck Woman" also off
Rock and Roll Over, and the instrumental
"Love Theme from Kiss" off their self-titled debut.
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| Just in case you didn't click on that hermaphrodite clip before, you're now welcome. |
But these are all songs mostly written by Paul Stanley you say? Well Gene did pen a couple of gems on his lonesome in the form of "Calling Dr. Love", "Deuce", "Watchin' You", "Almost Human", "Larger Than Life", and "Got Love for Sale". But did you also know the man is quite fond of ballads? On his almost-entirely-not-good Kiss solo album
Gene Simmons, one of the rare highlights is this little ditty
inspired by the Beatles called
"See You Tonite". Also on that album is
"Always Near You/Nowhere to Hide", another string-heavy bit of semi-schmaltz that nevertheless has some impressive falsetto screaming from the Demon during the fade-out. And when it comes to balls-to-the-groin metal screaming, look no further than
"Unholy" or
"Fits Like a Glove", the latter containing the only known aggressive vocalization of the word "butter" ever committed to tape. And a damn good one at that.
Gene's lyrics walk the line between
embarrassing and
charmingly juvenile, (which let's be honest, is a Kiss staple in and of itself), but when we're talking tasteful musicianship, vocals fitting to the song, and riffs, melodies, and choruses that are as pleasing as any from any famous rock band out there, the guy who would like each and every one of you to be buried in a coffin with his face on it does in fact seem to know what he's doing.
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| "Alcohol is bad. Unless it's chilled in a Kiss Kasket" - actual quote. Probably. |
3. MEG WHITE
There's a lot of musicians out there who technically aren't very good. Most of them are probably resolved to playing in a garage somewhere with their friends, wondering why none of their neighbors seem to like their twenty-forth run through of "What I Got". But sometimes a musician with questionable talent will break through to the mainstream and end up selling a lot of records with their abilities or lack thereof on them.
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| Nothing to see here. |
And Meg White is one of those musicians. Even the most generous of music critics would lose their post at Rolling Stone magazine if they even said that Meg White knew what a drum roll is. But even though she can't play "Tom Sawyer", (probably not even in Rock Band form), there is one thing and one thing only that she can do really well. And that is to play really stupid and above all else, catchy shit on a drum set.
Think of how many songs you could spot from just the drum beat alone? "Wipe-Out" by the Sufaris? "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon? "Sunday Bloody Sunday" from U2? Now granted Meg White can only play about four drum beats total, but the ones she chooses to lay down unmistakably make the White Stripes music sound
way heavier than it is. Plus you can easily add "My Doorbell" to that list of instantly recognizable drum grooves.
There is some truth to be told that Meg White's limitations inadvertently make her a good drummer. Not only has Jack White
gone on record since the White Stripes began to defend his bandmate, but even contemporary rock god Dave Grohl seems
very much to be a fan.
Most admirers of White will bring up the ole less-is-more approach. After all, Moe Tucker was the "drummer" in the Velvet Underground in the same way that guy who dances in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones is technically a band member. And the Velvet Underground invented alternative music so clearly Miss Tucker was onto something. Even if she ended up working at
Wal-Mart.
While we're on the subject of comparing Meg White to other drummers, take the Black Keys Patrick Carney per example. Just as quickly as he's been to say how great Meg White is at the drums, Jack White has equally
never shyed away from calling the Black Keys copycats as both bands started off rocking the two person, guitar and drums line-up. They both played strip-down blues and they both have crayon colors in their name as well.
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| Though the answer to the "Which guitar player looks uncannily like Johnny Depp" question has never been in doubt. |
Now this may be personal opinion, but Carney seems more interested in
chopping up his drum parts then laying down the bare-minimum to make peoples heads bob. Which is all fine mind you. Meg White on the other hand in lacking Carney's comparatively better chops and imagination on a drum set, more often than not plays what a child would play to Jack White's tunes and the results are less distracting and more
slamming says me.
Though since the White Stripes disbanded, it doesn't seem like too many musicians are clambering to get Meg White back behind the kit. Bob Odenkirk of all people had her do something for
Let's Go to Prison, but
apparently the studio heads fall into the "Meg White sucks hard" demographic and removed her song from it. But hey, at least Ray LaMontagne fancied her enough to write her a little somethin'.
2. JOHN DEACON
Now I trust that most people reading this are in fact fully aware of how great John Deacon is. I've only met one asshole in my life who doesn't like Queen. The rest of you beautiful human beings assuredly know better. But that said, when this band is mentioned in conversation, two things seem to regularly come up. That being "Freddie Mercury was great" and "You know, Freddie Mercury was really, really great don't ya think?". Understandably because yes, Freddie Mercury was in fact really, really great.
Even people who aren't born yet know "Bohemian Rhapsody", "We Will Rock You", and "We Are the Champions". We've all heard them to the point of overkill and even if Queen put these three singles out one after the other and never recorded another song, they'd probably still be hailed as rock royalty.
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| Royalty. Queen. The band's name is Queen. Moving on. |
But let's go beyond those three classic rock staples and bring up "Another One Bites the Dust" shall we? Not only is this song still played on the radio nearly as much as the ones about bohemians, champions, and rocking stuff, but it was of course a gargantuan hit at the time. It reached number one on the Billboard charts, spent more weeks on the charts than any other song that year, and for an English rock band, hit an unprecedented number two spot on the Hot Soul Singles charts. And you know who wrote said jam?
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| Not this guy. Though seriously, he was really, really great. |
John Deacon, (the band's quiet, reserved, and long retired bass player), penned "Another One Bites the Dust" all by himself. As the last member of the band to join, Deacon was throughout his career overshadowed by not only nearly everything Freddie Mercury did on and off stage, but also in musician circles by the incredibly unique abilities of guitarist Brian May, who's impossible to reproduce guitar tone and ability to make it sound like
a goddamn orchestra put him in the ranks of Jimmy Page as far as axe gods where concerned. Even Roger Taylor got more press by being a
certified groupie hound and delivering those
ridiculously high-pitched, dog-whistle vocal harmonies.
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| Though John did follow the "All musicians in the 1980s must look ridiculous" law as effortlessly as any. |
But while all that was going on, good ole John Deacon was modestly writing some of the bands other most memorable songs. Besides "Another One Bites the Dust" and starting with the album
Sheer Heart Attack, Deacon had at least one song per Queen album. Casual Queen fans would certainly recognize
"You're My Best Friend" and
"I Want to Break Free" as two other of his hefty hits for the band. He also has one of their most wonderful ballads
"Spread Your Wings", the Caribbean styled
"Who Needs You", and very good album track
"You and I" to his credit.
As both Brian May and Roger Taylor seem hellbent to keep touring with frontmen who very much
aren't Freddie Mercury, John Deacon has taken that very rare, respectable high-road and has almost completely disappeared from the lime-light. Since 1997 he's been off the radar, though he continues to oversee much of the band's finances. About the most rock star thing you'll catch him doing nowadays is
buying a newspaper and then probably rolling around his piles of "Another One Bites the Dust" money.
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| Presumably in this hat. |
1. LARS ULRICH
Now now, settle thee down metalheads. Lars Ulrich for all intents and purposes is the Meg White of metal drummers. Or actually maybe Meg White is the Lars Ulrich of bluesy, alternative critic music if we're talking chronology here. Either will suffice. And similarly to White, you pretty much have to go out of your way to defend Lars' drumming. It's far more often than not a given that he kinda sucks at hitting thing with sticks.
Mr. Ulrich's general problem with his playing is that it very often doesn't fit the song. When he's supposed to be laid back and simple, he tends to overplay. Take the pretty shitty "
The Memory Remains" off the incredibly shitty
Re-Load album, a moody, dark pop song basically where he can't stop doing his super slow, chop-less drum fills all over the place. Then on the opposite end of the spectrum, look at the
title track off of
...And Justice for All, arguably the band's most complex song where Lars isn't playing complex ENOUGH and because of that, his lack of technicality becomes laughable at best, jarring at worst.
So yeah, stacked up against literally every other successful metal or
even hard rock drummer, Lars pretty much gets his ass handed to him.
Want an impossible to argue example? Just partake of prog-metal freaks
Between the Buried and Me's Blake Richardson's dazzling and more importantly APPROPRIATE performance on their
cover of
"Blackened", which make's Mr. Ulrich's original go at the song rather embarrassing in comparison.
But that's just when it comes to drumming. And that's only part of Lars Ulrich's job. Look at the writing credits on every Metallica album. Go ahead. Most of you own the
Black Album if not at least one of the four albums that came out before it. You know, the good ones.
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| If your Metallica collection is limited to just this, you should probably go sit in the corner and think about what you did. |
Notice anything? Namely that Lars' name is listed as a songwriter on almost every single great Metallica song? And you know how many instruments Lars plays? If you said just one, the drums, you'd be correct. And you know how hard it is for a drummer to get a writing credit on a popular song? Just ask drummer Hunt Sales who provided one of the most famous drum beats of all time on Iggy Pop's
"Lust for Life". You know the only two names that appear as writers on that song? You'd be right to assume that Iggy Pop and producer David Bowie took it upon themselves to leave Sales contribution out of the equation.
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| Though to be fair, cocaine doesn't grown on trees so that money had to come from somewhere. |
Lars has been credited for years in Metallica as pretty much being the arrangement guy. For non-musicians, this basically means he's the one who comes up with how many times to play a riff and how to get from one to the other. That kinda stuff. And when you're talking about a genre that's almost entirely based on neck-breaking riffage and making them work, this is rather important.
Any listen to virtually any Metallica song will beat you over the head with how good the arrangements are. Even their latest record shows a dedication to the details that's still impressive. Though the songs or at least the
lyrics very much are not impressive. Also the
album cover delivers unabashedly at huffing dong. But anyway, the Metallica album I can't stop talking about 'cause it's so goddamn fantastic
...And Justice for All in particular was the most complicated musically the band ever produced and hardly any riff on it goes into another the same way or gets played the same number of times. That's all Lars' doing and is due to his seemingly excellent ear for song structure.
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| Another Lars can't play the drums meme? Ask and ye shall receive. |
Lars also gained notoriety for calling Napster out on file-sharing, but low and behold, turns out he was
absolutely right about how it all but completely wrecked the music industry. Despite what
Camp Chaos would have us believe, that wasn't so much about how Lars needed that Napster money to build an addition to his mansion so much as it was a very well-educated assumption that file sharing would make it incredibly difficult for less successful musicians than he to make a living. Here we are all these years later and yup,
many a well known metal musician still has a day job. Lars called it, simple as that.
All this said though,
parading around drunk after making millions of dollars selling his art collection in the
Some Kind of Monster documentary probably didn't help his "rich douchebag wants to sue people" image none.
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| Nothing to see here either. |
