2000s American Horror Part Thirty

DOWN
(2001)
Dir - Dick Maas
Overall: MEH

 

Dutch filmmaker Dick Maas continues his fascination with vertical transport systems, remaking his own 1983 movie De Lift as Down, (The Shaft).  An English-speaking, America/Dutch co-production that was shot on both sides of the Atlantic, this served as the first of several foreign horror remakes that Naomi Watts participated in, emerging the same year that she found international fame in David Lynch's Mulholland Dr..  Kicking up the camp, Maas goes for popcorn-munching goofiness in his story about a Manhattan skyscraper whose elevator system is possessed/inhabited by a reproducing, organic mechanical hybrid designed by Michael Ironside; a guy who is in cahoots with city officials in a convoluted conspiracy or whatever.  An all-star cast of genre regulars and character actors help keep the comedic schlock in check with some of the gags and snappy dialog hitting their marks, plus the R rating is deserved as it pulls no punches with its list of innocent victims, casual profanity, and lousy CGI gore sequences.  Nothing to take seriously of course, but that seems to be the point at least.

 

HEY, STOP STABBING ME!
(2003)
Dir - Worm Miller
Overall: GOOD

 

A home movie with zero production qualities, Hey, Stop Stabbing Me! stands out as one of the more cleverly made SOV goof-fests, a rarity amongst rarities.  The writer/director team of Josh "Worm" Miller and Patrick Casey cranked this one out with their buddies a full ten years before their Golan the Insatiable animated series debuted, looking like it was made for no money which is something that is essential to its charm.  Cramming as many gags as possible into each minute of the running time, the story exists in a deliberately asinine universe where a college graduate nerd shacks up in a house full of other dweebs where everything that happens only follows the ridiculous rules of Miller and Casey's imagination.  Rapidly paced, just as many of the nyucks nyucks fall flat on their face as they do land, but the sheer moronic bombardment of them is admirable, as is everyone's comedic timing and full commitment to such off-color, juvenile antics.  Even things like casual gay jokes, Casey finding out in the third act that his girlfriend who sleeps with every other character is actually twelve years old, and free-flowing murder all seem to be on equally ridiculous footing with a sock-eating monster, a world historian job that consists of nothing but digging holes outside, and a guy with no musical ability who composes an unlistenable symphony that impresses everyone who hears it.

DRAG ME TO HELL
(2009)
Dir - Sam Raimi
Overall: MEH

On the shelf for ten years before it finally emerged as a "return to horror" after his trilogy of Spider-Man movies kept him busy for the better part of the decade, Sam Raimi's ridiculous revamping of Jacques Tourneur's Night of the Demon emerged in a post-Bush-Jr era where censorship scares were a plenty.  The resulting Drag Me to Hell was therefor part of the dreaded PG-13 boom of genre films and one that wastes a large part of Raimi's more outrageous talents behind the lens.  In place of gallons of blood, severed limbs, and entrails spewing at the camera, we instead have every other form of bodily fluid in an oral-fixation nightmare that is persistently hilarious and disgusting, yet also daftly void of bloodshed.  On the one hand, it is as gleefully outrageous as any other Raimi joint, with all of the visual aspects cranked up to eleven and Lorna Raver delivering a culturally insensitive, cartoonish portrayal as a shamed gypsy who is hellbent on revenge.  At the same time though, it tries to be a simple morality tale with a campless performance from lead Alison Lohman that hardly leans into the otherwise hyper-kinetic and silly aesthetic, causing tonal issues for days.  Some of the most offensive use of jump scares further muddles up an already over-stuffed experience, but for those who can forgive its gratuitous amount of missteps and groan-worthy bombast, it is what one would expect from Raimi except dumber and more annoyingly neutered.

2000s British Horror Part Ten

THE GATHERING

(2003)
Dir - Brian Gilbert
Overall: MEH

A confused and laboriously structured premonition/supernatural/something thriller, The Gathering struggles every step of its way.  The first and to-date last work in the horror genre from filmmaker Brian Gilbert, it was written by prolific suspense author Anthony Horowitz who has concocted a story with a lackluster premise where "suspense" is instead substituted for confusion and boredom.  It all has something to do with ghosts who routinely show up over time to bare witness to tragic events; ghosts that parade around like normal people for awhile beforehand due to reasons that are equally uninteresting.  Gilbert drenches the film with a whimsical soundtrack and a flat aesthetic that gives it a Lifetime movie vibe, one that is poorly suited for any sinister atmosphere building.   Christina Ricci provides some star power to a movie in desperate need of it, not that the actors do a poor job with the material mind you, but only because the material itself meanders for ninety-odd minutes with top-to-bottom underwritten characters and a rushed narrative that still manages to feel its length.  

 

FREAK OUT
(2004)
Dir - Christian James
Overall: GOOD

 

A 16mm, bottom-budgeted debut from independent director/producer Christian James and producer/actor Dan Palmer, Freak Out is their noble attempt at a slasher parody via juvenile Troma gags.  It is difficult to tell if the filmmakers find their garish style of humor more funny than the act of making fun of that humor, but in any event, the results here make great use out of its SOV quality, with busy, Sam Raimi-styled editing and camera moves, plus a better sound design, (meaning properly recorded dialog and no obnoxious punk/metal music playing throughout all ninety-eight minutes), than pick-your-favorite Lloyd Kaufman production.  The story is asinine and ergo not even worth describing, but the commitment that everyone here has to making fun of a plethora of other genre films and tropes, (all in the cheapest manner possible), is both admirable and actually laugh out loud hilarious at regular intervals.  Not all of the jokes work and many of them are either too groan-worthy or too "Huh?" to be universally acceptable, but just as many are in knowingly lousy taste and should appease though who like their movies to be fully aware of how dumb they are.

 

DOOMSDAY
(2008)
Dir- Neil Marshall
Overall: WOOF

Writer/director Neil Marshall had already proven to have the heart of a bombastic action maestro with his first two films Dog Soldiers and The Descent, but his follow-up Doomsday was his first chance to indulge himself on a fittingly grand budget.  Unfortunately, the results are unwatchably stupid.  Shot in South African and Scotland with finances that were three times that of the combined amount of his first two movies, he suffocates the screen here with some of the most egregious editing in anything from the post MTV era, going for a Knightriders meets Mad Max meets Escape from New York nightmare that is insultingly pedestrian. It is also mind-numbingly obnoxious, with incessantly blaring music, testosterone-ridden screaming, and some of most hackneyed action movie characters that all come off as unintentionally embarrassing parodies.  Rhona Mitra wants to be Snake Plissken for Halloween, Malcolm McDowell's bad guy leads his people back into the medieval times for "huh?", reasons, David O'Hara may as well have "evil guy in a suite who you cannot trust" tattooed on his forehead, and worst of all, Craig Conway is an insult to all scenery-gorging, cartoon-character, barbarian-brained psychos on PCP everywhere.  If the movie had one solitary ounce of originality in any of its half-second frames to even notice, then it could be seen as an ultra-violent, popcorn-munching culmination of Marshall's grand ambitions as a filmmaker.   Instead, it is as bad as over-stuffed, Ritalin-fueled, and juvenile action movies ever get.

2000s British Horror Part Nine

CRADLE OF FEAR
(2001)
Dir - Alex Chandon
Overall: WOOF

 

A shot-on-video anthology splatter film from the guy who made Drillbit and starring the Midian-era line-up of Cradle of Filth all sounds like it would be worth putting on to point and laugh at but alas, the resulting crapfest Cradle of Fear is more bloated and embarrassing than unintentionally hilarious.  To be fair, the performances are surprisingly committed, with everyone who is granted actual dialog delivering it in a straight-faced manner and Danni Filth making no more or less of a fool of himself than he has on stage throughout his career with his ridiculous vocal prowess.  Still, the D-rent, jacked-up heavy metal presentation is endlessly juvenile as if all creative parties involved were tapping into the mindset of a twelve-year old boy who has discovered gore movies and pornography for the first time.  This is no doubt part of its intended, moronic charm, as are the piss-pour special effects and the home movie aesthetic of the whole thing, but insult is added to injury due to the over two hour length which is unnecessary and borderline insulting.  Still, if anyone wants to watch Mr. Filth rip one guy's throat out and another guy's head off within the first two minutes, as well as watch him gleefully murder a stuffed animal cat and poor the entrails into his mouth, you are in for a treat.

 

EXHIBIT A
(2007)
Dir - Dom Rotheroe
Overall: WOOF

Yet another misguided found footage movie in the wake of many, Dom Rotheroe's Exhibit A tells a loathsome story of a clueless scumbag who ruins his family while the film's plotting desperately tries to find excuses for the camera to capture the events that are unfolding.  An example of its heart being in the right place at least, the type if domestic horror on display here is rarely examined in so bluntly a manner in the sub-genre that Rotheroe has chosen to utilize.  This is not to say that such material is inherently poorly-suited for such a sub-genre; it is just that this is a miserable watch already and one that is made worse by its aggravating presentation.  The drama is poorly conveyed as well, since it takes forever to even realize what the big deal is that has gotten everyone so increasingly upset.  Before things even get bad though, the son and especially the father are obnoxious assholes, so when the latter goes off the deep end, it is nearly torturous to tolerate the rest of his behavior.  The finale is particularly wretched and pointless, pushing the whole thing into torture porn just to add insult to injury.  In other words, avoid this one at all costs unless you are simply jonesin' to have your day ruined.

 

THE BROKEN
(2008)
Dir - Sean Ellis
Overall: MEH

Boasting an unorthodox stylistic approach that is heavy on drawn-out sequences set to pin-drop silence, writer/director Sean Ellis' The Broken deserves points for its suffocatingly chilled atmosphere, even if the narrative is flimsy in its construction.  An Invasion of the Body Snatchers variation that also toys with motifs like amnesia and the primal concept that mirrors are used for supernaturally manipulative effect in many a horror film, Ellis' script clues every viewer in as to what transpired by the conclusion, except he does so without giving us any reason that it has transpired.  This is not a faux pas in and of itself, but the movie is so deliberately low on action and high on mood-building that such a presentation feels miss-matched, as if Ellis was far more excited by how he wanted the movie to look, sound, and feel than in fleshing out whatever his story was trying to say.  Lena Headey is of course most famous for her villainous portrayal in the entirety of Game of Thrones, so she can effortlessly deliver the chills when called for.  Yet large sections go by here without any dialog and the plot is nebulous enough that her and the rest of the performers have no choice but to appear aloof most of the time.  Yet for those who are intrigued enough by the heavy pacing and also wish to mine for gold, there may be hidden rewards here that are indecipherable on but one viewing.

2000s British Horror Part Eight

THE LAST HORROR MOVIE
(2003)
Dir - Julian Richards
Overall: MEH

Utilizing the found footage framework to pose questions about voyeurism and the audience's nature to "not look away" from horrific events that are presented in front of them, writer/director Julian Richards' The Last Horror Movie is hardly the most original work in its field.  Obvious comparisons can be made to the 1992 Belgium film Man Bites Dog which sports a nearly identical premise of a charming sociopath who takes it upon himself to document his serial murders, except said killer's provoking of the viewer is more deliberately pronounced here.  Both by speaking directly into camera and making said camera operator complicit in the task, Kevin Howarth's antagonist finds various narcissistic means to justify his behavior, offering up the twisted idea that those who are watching his exploits are guilty of their own moral shortcomings and should at least share the blame.  Howarth's performance is appropriately pretentious and leans slyly into the comedic, which causes the right amount of discomfort in viewing the juxtaposing, matter-of-fact, and disturbed kill scenes.  It makes its point since we are indeed sticking with the movie-within-a-movie conundrum of violence for entertainment's sake, but all of the ideas present have been served more uniquely both before and since.

 

MUM & DAD

(2008)

Dir - Steven Sheil

Overall: WOOF

 

A pointless and low-rent bit of torture porn from writer/director Steven Sheil, Mum & Dad goes for demented sickness while just ending up being a miserable mess.  Digitally shot and noticeably on the cheap, it pits Olga Fedori's young, Polish immigrant against a "family" of nutjobs who kidnap people to do various forms of unwholesome actives with.  These range from household chores, to getting sewing needles tenderly stuck inside of them, to watching the dad jerk off onto raw meat, to getting beaten with a mallet while being zipped into luggage, to engaging in a Christmas party where mutilated bodies are used for decoration.  The tone is persistently daft as if Sheil is going for exploitative black comedy due to the wackadoo behavior of such villainous people who balance violent, disgusting, manipulative, and perverse outbursts with tenderly and still perverse adherence to a strict family dynamic.  Unfortunately for the viewer, said acts of depravity are just uncomfortable and nasty, presented in a grimy fashion that never conveniently establishes any actual humor, let alone intrigue.  There is more egregious torture porn out there, but the genre is inherently despicable anyway so even if this is comparatively less miserable and insulting than your Haute Tensions or Martyrs, it still sucks.

SALVAGE
(2009)
Dir - Lawrence Gough
Overall: MEH

One of three films produced in Liverpool following the city's 2008 status as a EU City of Culture, Salvage is a nasty zombie/home invasion hybrid with solid performances yet an ugly end result.  The full-length debut from director Lawrence Gough and the screenwriting team of Alan Pattison and Colin O'Donnell, it has a purposely misleading set-up before abruptly switching protagonists and turning into a suburban nightmare where people are trapped inside their homes on Christmas Eve, with aggressive and armed military personal causing full-blown panic from outside.  The sparse amount of characters allows for ample development between them, presenting us with flawed yet well-meaning individuals who are dealing with their own bouts of regret on top of the mysterious, violent developments that are keeping them under lock and key. Gough and cinematographer Simon Tindall chose to shoot everything in intimate, hand-held close-ups or mid-shots, taking a grungy approach on account of the small-scale budget and location setting.  This makes the violence more viscerally impactful, but it becomes exhaustive and dour by the finale where nobody wins and only debilitating trauma awaits those who have survived.  So in other words, the perfect holiday feel-good movie!

2000s Foreign Horror Part Seventeen

A NEW LIFE
(2002)
Dir - Philippe Grandrieux
Overall: WOOF
 
Philippe Grandrieux' second theatrical film A New Life, (La Vie nouvelle), is pretentious nonsense of the most aggravating variety.  It sounds daft enough on paper to tell some semblance of a story with hardly any dialog and non-written characters, all through a series of drawn-out scenes with rape, sex, and some, (presumably), gangsters hugging each other supplying the only "action".  Art films are often defined as such by not following conventional cinematic practices let alone conventional narrative rules, so Grandrieux' choices here could be seen as provocative attempts at making something viscerally ugly and challenging.  In execution though, such dour ingredients create a maddening waste of a hundred and two minutes as the film is not only virtually impossible to follow, but no one on screen says enough, (if anything at all), or does anything interesting, (if anything at all), for any audience member to be even remotely invested in what happens to them.  On top of that, the hand-held cinematography is unwatchabley appalling, with large portions being shot in total or near blackness as the camera gets up close and intimate with images that are as nebulous as the non-existent plot.  It is a stylistically unattractive, emotionally void mess, unless you enjoy about an hour and a half's worth of nothing happening that is occasionally punctuated by blurry women dancing, women getting their hair cut off while crying, and women getting beaten up while also crying.

 

NIGHT WATCH
(2004)
Dir - Timur Bekmambetov
Overall: MEH
 
One of the first mammoth blockbusters made in Russia after the collapse of the Soviet Union, Timur Bekmambetov's big-budget, music video-edited, gore-ridden, CGI-fest Night Watch, (Nochnoy Dozor), is his loud, messy, and still inventive adaptation of Sergei Lukyanenko's novel of the same name.  The mythology present in such a supernatural landscape is overwhelmingly complex at times and Bekmambetov's high-octane, cranked-up style is often comically over-done, but any movie cramming this much into is is bound to have something stick.  Good and bad vampires with their own centuries-established and self-maintained police force, shapeshifting, medieval battles, prophesies, curses, vortexes, plus spine swords, it is an "everything but the kitchen sink" mishmash to be sure.  Only occasional moments transpire that slow the proceedings down in an attempt to try and catch up to the bombastic presentation, but it is best to just sit back and give into the bulldozing tone which is high enough on schlock to consistently amuse those looking for such things.  For others though, the lack of any subtlety whatsoever might be too ridiculous to bare.

 

KANDISHA

(2008)

Dir - Jérôme Cohen-Olivar

Overall: MEH

The sophomore effort Kandisha from Moroccan/French filmmaker Jérôme Cohen-Olivar has sincere performances, incessantly bleak atmospherics, and a prominent feminist agenda that is unfortunately melded with a rambling plot that fails to evoke its otherworldly folklore elements.  Set in contemporary times, the story centers around Amira Casar's traumatized protagonist; a hot shot lawyer whose daughter was accidentally killed sometime shortly before she gets handed a case of a woman whose abusive husband was murdered by the vengeance-seeking spirit of the title.  More of a gut-wrenching drama about the loss of a child than a conventional horror movie, the supernatural components still serve a purpose of bridging the old world with the new, where hundreds of years of non-existent rights for women are now being usurped, not just by the ghost lady who is going around beheading any man who continues to abide by such violently oppressive tactics, but also by the prestigious, well-respected career that Casar's character is still upholding.  Though it meanders into unnecessary avenues, it also has an admirable agenda, plus Cohen-Olivar refuses to let any humor into the proceedings, even with David Carradine's intentionally rambling cameo as a mental inmate, which otherwise may have provided some chuckles.

2000s Asian Horror Part Twenty-Four

ALIVE

(2002)

Dir - Ryuhei Kitamura

Overall: MEH

 

Though not as mind-numbingly insulting as his debut Versus, filmmaker Ryuhei Kitamura's follow-up Alive, (Araivu), still proves to be a faulty exorcise in badassery.  An adaptation of Tsutomu Takahashi's manga of the same name, it takes place entirely in an oppressive, black steel, scientific prison complex where a mutated entity is experimented on as it jumps bodies to the most blood-thirsty host.  The set design is impressive, giving it a dark, wet, and steamy cyberpunk aesthetic that suits characters dressed in shiny leather who stare each other down with inhuman patience as repetitive dialog is slowly, slowly delivered.  At least an hour of its one-hundred and ten minute running time could be trimmed to keep the viewer from dozing off as Kitamura is once again working with a minimalist story line here and one that is stretched to a breaking point by a glacially paced plot that offers up little if any new information of any significance along its route.  The CGI effects are typically cartoony and the wire-action stunts mixed with the techno-sci-fi visuals are clearly meant to recall The Matrix, but there is not nearly enough substance here to munch on as it simply becomes a plodding and cynical action movie with no pulse.

 

R-POINT
(2004)
Dir - Su-chang Kong
Overall: MEH

 

A Vietnam-set horror movie that blows some of its interesting supernatural ideas with a sluggish and inconclusive plot, R-Point is at least atmospherically on point.  The debut from filmmaker Su-chang Kong, it was shot on location in Cambodia and largely takes place at the abandoned Bokor Palace Hotel, which provides an accurate setting for a 1972 backdrop where a South Korean platoon is sent to investigate missing soldiers in what proves to be a nebulously haunted area.  While the premise is rock solid for war-torn, spooky shenanigans to unfold, the cast exhibits the right type of macho posturing, and Kong captures the locale in all of its exotic grime, his screenplay unfortunately gets lost in the weeds.  The one-note crop of characters throw a lot of expletives at each other, blending together to the point of merely becoming casualty fodder for malevolent spirits to vaguely drive mad.  Going the ambiguous route would otherwise work if the story had more memorable set pieces or led to a satisfying payoff, but instead it just gets more muck-heavy and meanders around as if it is building to a mystery whose explanation is never even attempted let alone given.

 

THE HEIRLOOM

(2005)

Dir - Leste Chen

Overall: MEH

The debut from Taiwanese music video director Leste Chen and his to-date only work in supernatural horror, The Heirloom, (Zhai bian), is a laborious affair that never picks up any momentum and grows increasingly confused along the way.  Despite an overbearingly gloomy set design which props itself up in a spacious family mansion in desperate need of a makeover, the film does everything incorrectly.  The script by Dorian Li is both convoluted and boring, teasing a sacrificial dead baby practice in the prologue and then abandoning it for completely wooden characters slowly wandering around the crippling abode, investigating noises or the mysterious appearances/murders of other also completely wooden characters.  Meanwhile, the melancholic, romantic music swells through every scene and Chen occasionally throws in some half-corked spooky flourishes to break up a meandering plot that borders on incoherence by the lackluster finale.  It is an interesting trainwreck of sorts; one that looks impressive enough, seems to be taking itself seriously, and has an arthouse agenda, yet also one that fails to bring any of its ideas together while dropping the ball as both an atmospheric horror movie, an inciting mystery, and an emotionally resonant drama.

2000s Asian Horror Part Twenty-Three

THE UNINVITED

(2003)

Dir - Lee Soo-yeon

Overall: MEH

Yet another movie with the title The Uninvited, (A Table for Four), this one stems from South Korea and serves as the full-length debut for filmmaker Lee Soo-yeon.  Though supernatural elements are present, it has a persistently melancholic tone, and there are a few unsettling revelations dished out, this is more of an overbearing drama than a conventional horror film.  Not that it needs to pick a team, with Lee utilizing a Kiyoshi Kurosawa-styled approach that is glacially slow and dishes out the spooky moments without any hackneyed jump scare or overbearing music.  This creates the appropriately intimate atmosphere for information to gradually unfold between two characters who cross each other's paths and may or may not have psychic abilities.  While the tone is refreshingly mature, the over two hour running time allows for things to meander to the point where even the most patient of viewers might lose interest before things start to kind of/not really crystalize.  Thankfully though, the performances are strong, particularly Jun Ji-hyun as an emotionally aloof woman who is traumatized after witnessing the murder of her friend's children by said friend's own hands.  The entire thing is only compelling to a point, but it has a severity to it is intentionally chilling.

 

ARANG

(2006)

Dir - Sang-hoon Ahn

Overall: MEH

 

South Korean filmmaker Sang-hoon Ahn's full-length debut Arang serves as a contemporary re-imagining of the Joseon Dynasty folk tale of the same name.  A cliche fest from front to back as far as presentation goes, the central, police detective protagonists are likeable and have a natural chemistry with each other.  Teaming up a female cop with a young, male upstart may spell formulaic banter between the two, but they are an agreeable lot to get to the bottom of yet another vengeful spirit mystery where yet another pale white, creaky, head-tilting spectre with animated, jet-lack hair obscuring her face is behind such supernatural shenanigans.  We also have loud noises punctuating every one of said ghost's appearances, nursery rhyme musical cues, waking nightmare hallucinations, creepy kids, a Saw-styled plot twist, a room discovered with pictures all over the wall, and a handful of other set pieces that are lifted from just as many other movies.  Rape, newborn baby murder, and even a dog dying provide plenty of unpleasant specifics to work with, plus the finale gets muddled with implausible dialog and too many flashbacks, making this a messy, derivative, and disagreeable bit of K-horror.

X-CROSS

(2007)

Dir - Kenta Fukasaku

Overall: MEH

Bathrooms, cell phones, and leg amputations join forces in Kenta Fukasaku's X-Cross, (Ekusu Kurosu Makyō Densetsu, X-Cross: Legend of the Devil's Nest); an adaptation of Nobuyuki Jōkō's novel Sono Kētai wa X-Cross de that gets more silly as it goes along.  Fukasaku adapts a knowingly tongue-in-cheek tone from the on-set, punctuating typical J-horror scare tactics with busy camerawork, busy music, over-the-top performances, a couple of ridiculous fight scenes, and a zig-zagging narrative that is broken up into chapters ala a Quentin Tarantino movie.  This annoyingly allows for several scenes to replay almost in their entirety to provide context; context which is only necessary for audience members that are completely not paying attention since said call-backs occur only a handful of minutes after each other.  Ultimately, the flashy approach fails to hide a plot with predictable, would-be twists, but the production design is impressive once we get to the remote village cult's sacrificial alter set piece which recklessly dances between part atmospheric folk horror and part jacked-up schlock.  Taking any of it seriously would be a misstep since no one here seems to be doing such a thing and thankfully the story has enough wacky ingredients, colorful characters, and goofy revelations to chuckle at.