(1982)
Dir - Charles Band
Overall: MEH
The first horror entry in a career's worth from D-level schlock-peddler Charles Band, Parasite is consistently unremarkable. Set in a post-apocalyptic, nuclear fallout future where drifters and rummagers struggle for survival against government agents who conduct moronic experiments, it is a laborious affair with noticeably minuscule production values and flat pacing. Considering the meager budget, the creature effects are halfway decent in a adorable sense as the slug-like, razor-teethed monster lunges towards the camera a few times to allow for some 3D jolts, but it mostly just wiggles around when largely not on screen. Some of the faces are recognizable, from character actors Tom Villard and Scott Thomson to Demi Moore in her first lead role and Cherie Currie in her second minor one. The story seems to hint at more ideas than are affordable and it ultimately just resorts to a small crop one-dimensional bad guys and good guys getting in minor altercations with each other before the parasitic entity starts taking people out in occasionally gruesome ways. Vivian Blaine's death, (or that of her prop dummy, to be more accurate), is a gnarly hoot, plus one schmuck gets set on fire at the very end, but otherwise this is only a couple of notches more exciting than watching paint dry or all nine innings of a profession baseball game.
(1985)
Dir - Christopher Lewis
Overall: WOOF
The second SOV crapfest from director Christopher Lewis, The Ripper is somewhat notable to horror buffs for featuring Tom Savini in the title role, who was allegedly hired for $15,000 for one day's shooting and ever since, has taken all opportunities to disown and apologize for his involvement. Scripted by Bill Groves whose only other credit in the film business was as a crew member on Rumble Fish, the story is about some college teacher who gets possessed by Jack the Ripper when he puts on a ring, which truth be told is no more stupid of a concept than any other direct-to-video, super cheap horror movie from the 1980s. Besides Savini for a couple of seconds, the rest of the cast is made up of people that you will never see again, trading awkward dialog exchanges in painfully meandering scenes. These include a jazzercise dance sequence with a fog machine and a wretchedly terrible song that appears more than once to insure that the filmmakers got their money's worth with it. We also have couples sitting on couches while playfully arguing with each other, two trips to an antique store, as well as a professor and student talking about Vincent Price movies over the phone while completely incorrect audio from The Conquer Worm is heard in the background. Everywhere else, it is the usual, distracting, amatuerish SOV aesthetics, piles of cliches fighting for screen time, and what should be an illegal hour and forty-two minute running time.
(1988)
Dir - William Wesley
Overall: MEH
While the limited budget is undeniably noticeable due to the minimal cast of unknowns, single, isolated setting, and primitive action sequences, the rudimentary story in the aptly titled Scarecrows cannot withstand the sterile, potboiler presentation. The first of only two feature length films from director/co-writer William Wesley, it was shot mostly on location in Davie, Florida and for a B-movie with little going for it besides the bare minimum of production values, it A) does not look embarrassing and B) has competent if unremarkable performances. Part of the problem though is how merely acceptable it all is. Plot wise, this is remarkably simple stuff. Mercenaries steal money, one of them jumps out of their plane with it, the rest of them land and look for him, supernaturally-powered scarecrows occasionally pick them off slasher style, the end. Yet merely pointing the camera at such things, having the actors deliver their lines without messing up, and throwing a persistent, ominous violin score over the whole thing is not enough to raise it above being a staggering bore. Speaking of not enough, the only "impressive" aspects are that it was actually shot at night when it needed to be and has a small handful of sufficient gore sequences, none of which stand out amongst other far ballsier and/or more atmospherically eerie DIY genre films that had already set the template by 1988. It gets a pass; no more, no less.
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