80's American Horror Part Seventy-Three

THE ENCHANTED

(1984)

Dir - Carter Lord
Overall: WOOF

 

Absolutely baffling in its oblivious disregard to be even remotely entertaining, the first of only two films from director Carter Lord, (and the only cinematic credit of any kind from screenwriter Charné Porter), The Enchanted is a unique kind of terrible.  Make no mistake; this is not an intellectual art film that relies on atmosphere, poetic imagery, or subtext to convey what conventional storytelling and dramatic purpose usually does.  Instead, it is no more than an hour and a half of unphotogenic country bumpkins exchanging meaningless pleasantries with each other while the ominous keyboard score and a few helicopter shots of the woods try and convince the audience that something besides absolutely nothing is actually happening.  The two leads in Will Sennett and Casey Blanton, (both of whom never had or would appear in anything ever again), play a romantic couple where the latter looks old enough to be the former's mom and Julius Harris just narrates meaningless dribble to his dog at regular intervals.  This is a story that builds to something without bothering to convey that there is anything to build up to and when an answer to said anti-mystery somewhat emerges only with six minutes left in the running time, it comes off as completely arbitrary and aggravatingly anticlimactic.

 

THE TOMB

(1986)

Dir - Fred Olen Ray

Overall: MEH

No better or worse than the typical Fred Olen Ray production, The Tomb should have more accurately been called Vampire Mummy Babe in Beverly Hills as there is only a brief moment early on where the locale of the title is shown.  This was linked to the movie's entire existence in the first place since Ray randomly got access to an Indiana Jones-styled set for two days, which then allowed him to make a sizzle reel to get the rest of the project financed.  Serving as Michelle Bauer's first leading role and her first of numerous collaborations with Ray, the usually topless thespian is typically goofy, (and clothed), as she spends most of her time making exaggerated faces at people.  John Carradine and Sybil Danning provide the notable cameos, (both pointlessly as far as the narrative is concerned), with none other than Cameron Mitchell actually getting a number of scenes, as well as a sufficient enough death by way of Bauer's arbitrary supernatural powers.  The plot has little momentum as everyone on screen discusses and tries to get to the bottom of something that the audience both already knows and hardly cares about, plus the soundtrack is aggravating as frequent, terrible pop songs play out in their entirety.  Apparently Ray's initial cut had even more musical numbers, (Satan help us), but also more jokes and naked boobs, so the final result spared us some torment while denying us more of what the good people pay to see.

 

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

(1989)

Dir - Dwight H. Little

Overall: MEH

 

The schlock is laid on heavy in director Dwight H. Little's quasi-slasher interpretation of Gaston Leroux's The Phantom of the Opera which scored none other than Freddy Krueger himself Robert Englund in the lead.  Unfortunately, said schlock is not laid on thick enough and the resulting B-movie silliness is more dull than hilarious.  Originally set to be a Cannon production, the project was ultimately switched to 21st Century Film Corporation once founder Menahem Golan went solo and the results still attain some of that patented Cannon camp.  Of course Englund is a natural choice for such a tone, chewing the scenery in gnarly prosthetic makeup, an awful wig, and with overblown line-readings and mannerisms as one should.  The script by Gerry O'Hara and Duke Sandefur updates the source material with bookending segments set in modern day Manhattan that were initially in place to set up a sequel.  Though they ultimately come off as unnecessary without that sequel, they at least provide the movie with another differentiating quality to help it stand out amongst the boatloads of others in the Phantom herd.  Other than that, a sturdy emphasis on gore and impractical set pieces with a fittingly bombastic keyboard/orchestral score pummeling away does not offer up as many "laugh out loud" moments as one would hope.  At least it is not as embarrassing as Dario Argento's attempt nine years later, on that we can all agree.