1980s American Horror Part Seventeen

CAT PEOPLE
(1982)
Dir - Paul Schrader
Overall: MEH

There are a number of good ingredients to Paul Schrader's remake of Cat People and the director does not fudge up his serious, erotic tone.  Still, the film is a mess.  The first obstacle not to be overcome is Alan Ormsby's script.  It takes way, way too long to get going and Schrader is left with no choice but to let the pace drag considerably.  At just shy of two hours long, you would think this would be ample enough time to explore the mystical, feline mythology and make Natasha Kinski's inevitable, willing werecat transformation more compelling.  Instead, everything is clumsily explained if it is explained at all and most of the characters come off as half-baked.  Also, the refilming of iconic sequences from the original seems quite forced and out of place, more than ever with the just as random and illogical pool scene.  The cast is solid though, particular Kinski and Malcom McDowell as her creepy yet underwritten brother.  Also, Giorgio Moroder's score is quite captivating, helped even more by David Bowie's vocal prowess on the title song.  Considering that the original Cat People is an overrated and flawed movie to begin with, this version is not so much a sacrilege as much as just another botched attempt at a similar enough story.

PUMPKINHEAD
(1988)
Dir - Stan Winston
Overall: GOOD

It stands to reason that a film with Stan Winston behind the lens would first and foremost look pretty damn good at least so in that respect, Pumpkinhead is a success.  Serving as the legendary special effects artist's directorial debut, the title monster gets plenty of screen time and looks superb, but Winston also pulls no punches with the textbook, horror scenery.  There is oodles of fog, an old, gross hag, orange candlelit cabins, woods full of dead trees, a burned down church, barren cemeteries, over the top death scenes, and gore that would unmistakably qualify the film as a horror one and nothing else.  On that note though, Winston also indulges in more obnoxious genre cliches like countless jump scares, psych-outs, and some poorly-written secondary characters that are only there to get brutally murdered to death.  As opposed to other such horror movies that become too obnoxious to appreciate due to some of their laziness, Pumpkinhead mostly gets a pass.  One could argue that the story is far too derivative of a whole lot that came before it, but still, it is mostly a solid offering with the simple, fairytale premise being appropriately creepy and also one that Winston manages to move along at a satisfactory enough pace.

THE HAUNTING OF SARAH HARDY
(1989)
Dir - Jerry London
Overall: MEH

This USA Network adaptation of Jim Flanagan's novel The Haunting of Sarah Hardy plays by the usual rules where a woman is undergoing a psychological strain while various people around her are either engaging in gaslighting or made to look like red herrings who are involved in dubious manipulation.  One of a career's worth of television movies from director Jerry London and featuring another small screen mainstay Sela Ward in the lead, it is a mystery in part, yet there really is no mystery since the culprits get unmasked just shy of an hour in and it is a groan-worthy and lazy reveal that anyone even half paying attention to could see coming.  That leaves a third act with one-dimensional characters behaving one-dimensionally and all previous supernatural atmosphere bypassed for just another game of spousal backstabbing over lots of money.  Everyone is attractive and says their lines correctly, the plotting is convenient instead of plausible, and it plays out like a longer and neutered Tales from the Crypt episode with zero violence.  Also, the only sexiness stems from Ward in a nighty and her and square-jawed pretty boy Michael Woods engaging in some post-marital hanky panky with the bed sheets covering their lewd body parts.

1980s American Horror Part Sixteen

GALAXY OF TERROR
(1981)
Dir - Bruce D. Clark
Overall: MEH

This lighthearted 1950s sci-fi throwback/Roger Corman produced Alien knock-off has decent gore and impressive enough set design, but make no mistake, it is still a sluggish piece of shit.  The familiar faces including Sid Haig, Robert Englund, (pre-Nightmare on Elm Street), Grace Zabriskie, (Twin Peaks), Erin Moran, (Happy Days), and Ray Walston, (plenty of stuff), are hardly A-list, but they are also not treating the material any better than it deserves, which is good for them.  Galaxy of Terror is just pathetically uninspired.  The script gives off an aura of being churned out in about a day, and with Corman steering the ship in his steadfast diligence to make something very cheap and very fast, it is impossible to give a shit about all of the boring and cliched nonsense going on.  Always one to mentor future filmmakers, James Cameron got his second job behind the lens in a Corman production here, acting as set designer and second unit director.  Speaking of ripping off Alien, (coincidentally), Cameron would go on to helm Aliens five years later of course which you would be correct in guessing is a wildly better film than this one.

PSYCHO II
(1983)
Dir - Richard Franklin
Overall: MEH

Respectfully done in some respects, Psycho II is still another unnecessary sequel to a property far better left alone.  Returning to Alfred Hitchcock's seminal masterpiece nearly twenty years later seems more ill advised now after the original Psycho has continued to be lauded as arguably the greatest thriller ever made.  At least at the time of its sequel, there was a good amount of care taken with the material though.  Director Richard Franklin studied Hitchcock closely and screenwriter Tom Holland, (who would go on to pen a handful of other memorable to not-so-memorable horror outings), both concocted a film that is occasionally very suspenseful and makes it a priority to explore the psyche, (har, har), of Norman Bates ever further.  Anthony Perkins helps tremendously in this regard, making Bates appropriately sympathetic for such a story to work.  Still, Psycho II is hopelessly forgettable compared to the landmark film that it is impossible not to compare it to.  The twists seem even more ridiculous considering that without them, there really would not be a movie to make and this further emphasizes the point that such a film would have been better left unmade in the first place, despite the talent on hand in making it.

DOLLS
(1987)
Dir - Stuart Gordon
Overall: MEH

Taking his first step outside of Lovecraftian territory after the rather excellent Re-Animator and From Beyond, director Stuart Gordon's Dolls shifts its tone further by having a childlike sensibility even while still offering plenty of gruesome violence.  Focusing primarily on a young child Judy, actress Carrie Lorraine is kind of one of those textbook, horror movie wiener kids who looks physically uncomfortable in every shot.  She is actually the least annoying participant though.  The fact that every character is either top to bottom horrible or obnoxious in their every utterance and mannerism is what ruins the entire film, making all of the intended humor fall uncomfortably flat.  Half of the death scenes are more stupid than anything and the logic is flimsy at best, further complicating measures.  Visually, this is certainly cheap yet also pretty splendid as it is set up in a creepy old mansion.  The stop motion animation and animatronics used to make the chipmunk voiced goblin dolls come to life gets the job done nicely as well.  If some more care was taken with the story and the cast was either completely replaced or their performances not so on the nose, Dolls could have been a proper, gruesome fairytale.  Instead, it is just a failure more than less.

1980s American Horror Part Fifteen

EVILSPEAK
(1981)
Dir - Eric Weston
Overall: MEH

A somewhat amusing, "Satanic panic" wet dream for any overly zealous, Christian housewife at the turn of the 1980s who thought the devil was real and corrupting America's youth, Evilspeak is shamelessly brimful of absurdity.  Loaded with every unholy as well as "bullies picking on dweebs" cliche in the book, it also throws in the ridiculous notion that a computer can converse with demonic spirits and even spout some one-bit, early videogame graphics of pentagrams, demonic faces, and fire.  Silly stuff in every conceivable fashion.  It is also a bit too unpleasant at times.  While taking the movie seriously enough to make Clint Howard's pathetic protagonist sympathetic, the flip-side of that is that the barrage of scenes involving horrendous douchebags endlessly torturing him, (and very unnecessarily murder his adorable puppy), becomes a miserable chore to sit through.  By the time the hellish, over the top finale hits, you are rather more exhausted with how goofy and nasty it all is than rooting for the evil forces that get the last laugh.

CAT'S EYE
(1985)
Dir - Lewis Teague
Overall: GOOD

Serving as both Stephen King's second screenplay adaptation from his own previously published works as well as director Lewis Teague's second film based off of one of the famed authors books, (Cujo being the first), Cat's Eye is a partly light-hearted, party dark presentation.  King's stories are often strongest overall when they are condensed to a short story format and "Quitters Inc." and "The Ledge" from the Night Shift collection of such stories, (most of which are excellent), work wonderfully here.  The recognizable cast is fun with James Woods and Alan King particularly enjoying themselves in the opening "Quitters Inc." segment.  Though a ten year old Drew Barrymore shows up in each story, she does not become the main protagonist until the final one "General" which incidentally is both the weakest of the three and the only one that was written specifically by King for the film.  Still for an anthology horror outing, nothing comes off weak here as King was in one of his better, less cocaine-fueled phases.  Though to be fair, having a house cat engage in epic battle with a doll-sized troll that magically comes out of the wall to steal kids breath while they sleep easily qualifies as something drugs would have probably played a part in concocting.

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 2
(1987)
Dir - Deborah Brock
Overall: WOOF

What in the goddamn fuck is this shit?  For whatever preposterous reason, Deborah Brock styled her sequel to the highly mundane Slumber Party Massacre as a hopelessly sloppy musical, (yes, you read that right), that also pathetically tries to be Nightmare on Elm Street at the same time.  The tone problems are astronomical here.  High school girls who look like they are in their mid 30s have a band, (because sure why not?), that smile, sway, and terribly mime their terrible songs before easily the worst horror movie villain in the history of space and time shows up whenever he wants and then not really being there whenever he wants as well.  The movie does not bother setting up any logic to ignore let alone to follow.  Then all of a sudden people are getting murdered for real, (maybe?), before Andrew Freddie Dice Elvis Crooger literally breaks the forth wall and starts singing and dancing while fake laughing, shredding on his guitar-drill bit weapon, and cracking himself up with lines like "Hey baby, light my fire" and "I can't get no...satisfaction" which is legitimately sickening to even type here.  Meanwhile, all of the other characters are being parodies of valley girls and jarheads while screaming for their dear life.  Forgoing the boring, textbook slasher route would seem like a wise move yes, but this is honestly so humiliatingly bad that you actually crave something more like the completely unmemorable first one to get the rotten taste out of your everything.

1980s American Horror Part Fourteen

MOTEL HELL
(1980)
Dir - Kevin Connor
Overall: GOOD

Motel Hell is one of the many films, (particularly around the time that it was made), which attempts to satirize the horror genre while at the same time carving out a wicked little niche for itself amidst the very movies it polarizes.  It is one of the rarer ones still that actually pulls this off.  British filmmaker Kevin Connor has not made a large amount of horror movies, but he is no noob when it comes to such things either, having kickstarted his feature film career with Amicus' final anthology outing From Beyond the Grave six years prior to this.  The treating of the material here is a key to its success, with the funny parts actually being funny and the disturbing ones made all the more so by the cheerful way that the characters are acting.  By doing this, Connor and his excellent cast, (including the always standing and walking Rory Calhoun who provides the movie with its most delightfully creepy visual amongst many), manage to have their cake and eat it to.  The entire premise and script is assuredly ridiculous, but so much fun is clearly being had that it easily rubs off on the audience the right way.

ALONE IN THE DARK
(1982)
Dir - Jack Sholder
Overall: MEH

The debut from writer/director Jack Sholder, Alone in the Dark is a movie with just as many admirable qualities as sloppy ones.  Its bizarre to see an A-list cast including Jack Palance, Donald Pleasence, and Walter Landau in such an off-beat genre offering, but even though they are playing crazy people, their behavior seems to make the script itself more puzzling than possibly intended.  The first act is relatively straightforward, but things escalate so quickly with so much logic thrown to the ether that it becomes impossible to enjoy due to how many frustrating questions you end up with.  While plausibility being stretched to insulting lengths is nothing new for 80s horror movies in particular, it does not quite work here since not enough intentional humor is utilized.  The goofy, sardonic aspects just appear random as they are mingled with unfocused character development and a choppy structure that rushes past too many plot points to NOT be noticeable.  Occasionally it is an interesting endeavor, but there lies the problem; Alone in the Dark is highly inconsistent, underwritten, and mangles its tone, overshadowing the fun performances and would-be satirical ideas.

SLAUGHTER HIGH
(1986)
Dir - Mark Ezra/Peter Litten
Overall: WOOF

It is tiring to keep coming up with ways to explain why slasher films are flawed to their very core, especially in the 1980s when they practically seemed to be the only horror movies anyone was interested in making.  Slaughter High was originally filmed in England as April Fool's Day but changed its title since another slasher movie by the same name came out the exact same year in America, which just provides another example of how interchangeable so, so many of these piles of shit were.  Though to be fair, the American April Fool's Day successfully broke the mold by playing the slasher angle as a red herring.  Slaughter High is just garbage front to back.  A thirty-seven year old Caroline Munro plays a high schooler and she is not even the only cast member to poorly slip her British accent on the regular.  There is only three pieces of music used over and over again and the premise is exactly the same as, (the also terrible), The Redeemer: Son of Satan plus every other "nerd out for revenge" movie of its kind.  Really though, it always comes down to the fact that these films are the opposite of suspenseful, completely undoing their entire point.  It is just another waiting game to see someone with superhuman insight, agility, and strength pick off horrible people one by one until some kind of lazy twist happens when the credits hit.  "Pointless" is not strong enough a word.

1980s American Horror Part Thirteen

FRIDAY THE 13TH
(1980)
Dir - Sean S. Cunningham
Overall: MEH

Before Jason Voorhees became one of the ultimate, silent, mask-wearing, supernatural sociopaths in horror cinema and then murderized his victims in more and more comically ridiculous/violent ways, he was a mere victim as well as a jump twist in the remarkably unremarkable, Friday the 13th.  Slasher films are boring and brimming with cliches by design; a design of which this initial entry into probably the sub-genres most endlessly exploited property proudly upholds to.  Even in 1980, the dumb, predictable crap that goes on here was old-hat, but watching it AFTER more copycat movies you could ever dream of have emerged, it is a downright ludicrous viewing experience.  This is most laughably apparent at the end when Mama Voorhees, (who up until then was able to flawlessly slaughter every other character like a perfect, unsuspecting ninja), becomes Mama Exposition and for no reason tosses all of her cunning to the wind, getting easily bested by the final girl who keeps knocking her out while said final girl runs away without finishing the job.  The most surprising aspect is not how straight-forward and comparatively less gory Friday the 13th is per se, but how very, very dull it is.  Sean S. Cunningham makes the common mistake of sucking all of the tension out of most of his scenes by letting the camera linger too long, but Victor Miller's script is so null that there is barely enough to even work with in the first place.

C.H.U.D.
(1984)
Dir - Douglas Cheek
Overall: MEH

An argument can be made that television documentary editor Douglas Cheek's only directorial effort C.H.U.D. takes its subject matter too seriously to work.  The monsters look rather ridiculous and there is actually one scene where an actor has effectively creepy make-up on before going full cannibal sewer dweller that makes for a far more striking visual than the cheap, alien-eyed puppet goblins used elsewhere.  Not that you see many of them to begin with.  C.H.U.D. is a huge offender of the ole "taking way too long" mistake that some slow boil horror films attempt.  The movie is staggeringly boring and only after about an hour in do we actually get a minimal amount of monster mash mayhem.  The script is uninteresting at best and a disaster at worst, with main characters that are utterly pointless to the story getting liberal screen time while the rest of them just bitch and argue with each other.  The ending is enormously poor and seems to have bypassed completely the whole killing off the creatures goal and instead bafflingly makes a the final showstopper a confrontation between a cliched, corrupt, evil jackass government agency villain.  Other plot points go nowhere while even more seemed rushed and it all makes for a frustrating and lame experience anyway you slice it.

THE GATE
(1987)
Dir - Tibor Takács
Overall: MEH

This innocent little American/Canadian production, (directed by Hungarian Tibor Takács, who would go on to also helm the sequel three years later), is one of many in the long line of "gates of hell" unleashing horror films.  It is also a bit more whimsical in nature, comparatively tame on violence, and mostly resembling a later Goosebumps episode except probably even less scary than even those.  The script from future television director Michael Nankin does not try too hard in establishing many rules.  The ones it does bring up are not strictly followed anyway.  While this makes the movie a bit clunky in parts, (particularly near the end), it is never that much of a problem, what with the serious yet mild tone kept consistent.  The stop-motion special effects from Randall William Cook, (Lord of the Rings trilogy), are certainly dated, but they compliment a movie about twelve-year olds fighting off tiny, adorable little demons with bottle rockets just fine.  The Gate ultimately does not take enough chances with its material and though it does not insult one's intelligence or even waste one's time, its vanilla flavor still does not necessarily warrant too high of a recommendation.

1980s American Horror Part Twelve

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP
(1980)
Dir - Barbara Peeters/Jimmy T. Murakami
Overall: MEH

Financed by Roger Corman's New World Pictures, (who allegedly added more gore and titties after production wrapped), Humanoids from the Deep is a very mediocre version of a multitude of movies that came before it.  If you throw a monster design based off of Creature from the Black Lagoon, the plots of The Horror of Party Beach and Piranha, some lame, racially-driven rape subtext, and strip virtually all of the humor away from it while pretending that you are making a legitimately exciting, bloody, booby-displayed horror movie, then this is the result.  Wherever the fault lies, be it the thoroughly unoriginal script, bored actors, or bland direction, the movie just is not any fun.  Furthermore, something as silly as this desperately needs to be more fun.  Taken as seriously as it is, all of the potential camp is squandered and for a movie with rather good creature effects from the legendary Rob Bottin and plenty of sleaze to go around, none of its would-be strengths are utilized enough.  It is not terrible, but it is highly forgettable and that is a shame for such promising trash.

ONE DARK NIGHT
(1983)
Dir - Tom McLoughlin
Overall: MEH

Sadly, television/B-movie director Tom McLoughlin's debut One Dark Night while genuine in its design and most likely in its intent, is a casualty to its own fumbles.  The script is certainly formulaic, but it is not altogether without some merit.  Combining a teenager-hazing premise with that of some vague, occult nonsense and set primarily in a wonderfully vast mausoleum at night, it is clever enough on paper to warrant some fun chills.  For whatever reason though, the choice was made to forgo putting actual actors in zombie make-up and the corpse-ridden finale is rather embarrassingly silly.  It is pretty impossible to make a bunch of Halloween dummies seem menacing and played to be frightening instead of schlocky, it does not achieve its intended goal.  On top of this, the acting is for the most part rather lousy.  Adam West is only in a handful of scenes yet he still manages to ever slightly ham-up his lines and when a bunch of teenage girls are witnessing the undead very slowly rise from their caskets, you would think that they would look a little more terrified or excited than if they were just watching golf on TV.  The movie also takes way, way too long in setting up its finale showpiece and because it is accidentally underwhelming once it hits, well the whole thing is kind of a swing and a miss then.

APRIL FOOL'S DAY
(1986)
Dir - Fred Walton
Overall: GOOD

Easily better than most of its unfortunate kind, April Fool's Day would have been another lame entry in the dominant slasher sub-genre of the 80s due to the handful of tropes it blindly follows, if not for the nifty trick it eventually pulls off.  Before the last ten minutes lay everything out, the strong cast certainly helps from the get-go, making the characters actually believable for a change and even the obnoxious ones do not push it too much, inevitably coming off rather likeable.  While this alone is practically a miracle, the plot's ultimate reveal, (while as incredibly far-fetched as any), does boast a genuinely refreshing and enjoyable outcome, one that several other hundred-odd slashers could have benefited from taking a page or two from.  Beverly Hills Cop screenwriter Danilo Bach then deserves a significant amount of credit here along with director Fred Walton who plays everything appropriately straight for the ending to really work.  Riding such a razor-thin line like it does, it is very difficult to be on board with it from beginning to end since if you hate slasher movies, (as many people probably should), you will be aggravated by much.  Yet if you love slasher movies, then the piss being taken out of them may rub you the wrong way.  In any event, this is easily preferable to others that offer no such rug-pulling.

1980s American Horror Part Eleven

ALLIGATOR
(1980)
Dir - Lewis Teague
Overall: MEH

A standard entry into the nature horror sub-genre, (with a musical score that closely enough resembles Jaws at times), Alligator is about precisely what you would imagine it is about.  Utilizing an actual real life animal or animatronic puppet if need be, it comes off remarkably better than any CGI does, (Greg McClean's Rogue comes to mind), so no complaints in how acceptable the giant, mutant reptile creature looks here.  Complaints are a plenty though.  Lewis Teague, (Cujo, Cat Eyes), stages one or two exciting moments, but the film ends up being a pretty laborious chase where the humans are endlessly trying to catch up to the title monster.  It is also very predictable with foreshadowing you can see a mile way, (such as a fancy dinner party for the corrupt pharmaceutical mogul and the city's mayor that is shown in an early scene only to make it crystal clear that the alligator is of course going to crash the shindig later).  The characters are pretty textbook, (the tough, no bullshit hero, the smart and sassy love interest, the stupid police chief, the annoying news reporter, and arrogant, smug villains), and there are blatant environmental and animal rights messages to give it some weight.  Convenient, "only in a movie" things like this are pretty harmless though as it is just a silly little killer animal movie in the end.

THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE
(1982)
Dir - Amy Holden Jones
Overall: WOOF

What probably could have been a still bad yet at least potentially interesting early slasher entry, The Slumber Party Massacre is instead probably in the lead as the most boring such slasher movie every made.  The "what could've been" tag is appropriate in that feminist author Rita Mae Brown actually wrote it as a parody of the loathsome genre, but producers insisted on financing it as a cheap, uninspired cash-in that checks off utterly everything these movies refused NOT to do.  The killer has superhuman stamina, keeps not being dead, and has time to be everywhere at once so he can hide everyone's bodies for comedic effect.  Also, the score was of course done on a cheap keyboard, there are tons of boobs, and every fifteen seconds another psyche out tries to get you, which get old probably by the second one.  Besides the fact that it was both written and directed by women, (Amy Holden Jones makes her debut behind the lens here), you would never notice it by how hopelessly bland it all is.  The movie is not so much aggravating, it just defines pointless and even for those poor, poor souls who cannot get enough of mind-numbingly dull slasher garbage, one is very hard-pressed to find a single thing remotely memorable here.

PHANTASM II
(1988)
Dir - Don Coscarelli
Overall: WOOF

Two entries into this franchise and it continues to baffle one with its awfulness.  Don Coscarelli's Phantasm is one of the most inexplicably bad horror movies that also has a laudable reputation and though the sequel has a far larger budget and far better acting, it is just as horrendous.  These movies are incomprehensible nonsense.  Following two characters from the first film, Phantasm II dives right in without making any attempt to explain itself yet again throughout its entire running time.  Everyone is on a cross-country quest to hunt down the Tall Man and how they are doing this, how they are connected to new characters that spring up in people's dreams, and what the Tall Man is again up to is anybody's guess.  Speaking of Angus Scrimm, no horror movie villain in history wastes more goddamn time than the Tall Man does.  He absurdly spends the entire movie having people right in his grasps who he fully intends on killing/turning into zombie midgets or whatever, only to drop some awful dialog at them, let em go, and then go to their house and capture them later.  The barrage of unanswered questions, plot holes, vacant logic, and tedious structure you would think would be improved upon compared to the first abysmal installment, but for whatever astronomical reason, this series would continue on in such a fashion and remain popular for many years to come.  Whatever the goddamn appeal, such is anyone's guess.