(1981)
Dir - Gordon Hessler
Overall: WOOF
Originally planned as a television series to be called Tales of the Haunted, (and to be hosted by none other than Christopher Lee), the resulting Evil Stalks This House was allegedly the only segment that was produced. The shot-on-tape production values are unmistakably cheap, looking like your bog-standard BBC program, but the inclusion of Jack Palance in all of his sinister, nervous, and whispery scenery-chewing glory gives it an edge over how forgettable it deserves to be. Louis M. Heyward's script is ludicrous and involves Palance easily settling into two old lady's house so that he can openly ramshackle the place, only for another sleazy drifter to just as simply weasel his way in on his action. The fact that some kids and dim-witted guy are also involved is never convincingly explained, plus the "scary" set pieces are arbitrary and silly instead of effectively sinister, (a plot of quick sand in a basement and a fully-dressed mannequin in a rocking chair, sure whatever). It ends with just as random of a twist that is almost ridiculous enough to be worth the price of admission, but even for the era where Palance was stuck taking any paycheck that came his way, this is embarrassing stuff.
(1983)
Dir - Andrew Davis
Overall: MEH
Overall: MEH
Prolific American International Pictures producer Samuel Z. Arkoff goes solo and jumps on the early 80s slasher boom with The Final Terror, getting the Deliverance-meets-Friday the 13th project off the ground with a few notable names involved. This was the second feature for director Andrew Davis, (who would go on to work well enough in the action movie field throughout his career), plus Ronald Shusett was one of the three credited screenwriters and producer Joe Roth would eventually co-found Morgan Creek Productions. Like many slasher films from the era though, it is the cast of then-unknowns who may spark the most interest, including Mark Metcalf, Rachael Ward, Daryl Hannah, and Joe Pantoliano to name a few. The movie itself is running uphill from the onset though, introducing us with underwritten and mostly unlikable characters who decide to go camping where some kind of feral hunter stalks them. While it is not as derivative as its more blatantly exploitative contemporaries with its low body count, low nudity count, and low amount of gore, it is still a chore to just watch good-looking assholes argue with each other, even in such a nature setting. The stakes are only dire on paper since the presentation is mediocre at best, plus the screaming, crying, and mugging dirtbag performances only become more and more grating instead of suspenseful.
(1988)
Dir - Mark Pirro
Overall: MEH
A companion piece/quasi-sequel to his own ridiculous A Polish Vampire in Burbank, Curse of the Queerwolf finds Z-rent schlock peddler Mark Pirro grabbing another classic movie monster to spoof in the most juvenile fashion possible, with piss-pour production values and jarring ADRed dialog to boot. The title character made an appearance in the aforementioned vampire yarn and the premise here is legitimately ingenious in some instances as far as low-brow offensiveness goes. As one could guess, this is a parody of Universal's The Wolf Man where instead of turning into a fury were-beast, the character of Larry Smalbut, (get it?), accidentally engages in some hanky-panky with a female actor who is supposed to be a transvestite and then turns into a crossdresser during the full moon. Every conceivable gay joke is utilized here, many tied into horror films with a fagorcist, (get it?), who uses Budweiser as holy water, queerwolf hunters who flash a silver dildo as a crucifix, a John Wayne medallion to keep the homosexual transformation at bay, and a homoside, (get it?) detective who investigates the deaths of sissies. Some may seethe with anger at how this paints such a relentless, unflattering, and insensitive picture of an era when the gay community was full-range cannon fodder for nyuck nyucks. At the same time though, it is too stupid to take seriously and fans of embarrassing, groan-worthy puns and innuendos as well as just bad no budget movie making will find plenty to point and laugh at.
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